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00:00We're known as the Smarty Pants Society.
00:02Intellectuals who gather in the dead of night to swap ideas and share discoveries.
00:07This week, you'll hear from David Kearns, Alexis Nicole Nelson, and Demi Adijuibe.
00:13Welcome to Smarty Pants.
00:15Presenters are responsible for their own research.
00:17The makers of this program cannot guarantee anything they say is accurate.
00:19Hello, members of the Smarty Pants Society.
00:22I'm your host, Rekha Shankar.
00:24And today's speakers have prepared presentations on a topic of their choice.
00:28Before we begin, let us say our sacred motto.
00:32We like big brains and we cannot lie.
00:35Very good.
00:36Let's bring up our first presenter.
00:43Hello.
00:44When we think about the future, it can be scary.
00:47But I'll tell you what, I'm an optimist, focusing on positivity and change.
00:51What can we do?
00:52Manifesting a better tomorrow.
00:54Some people might be thinking about things like universal health care,
00:57investing in high quality education, reforming the penal system,
01:00a fair and equal justice system, supporting social systems, purpose, equality,
01:04well-informed education, critical thinking, focus on emotional intelligence, empathy.
01:08What?
01:08What is that last one?
01:10All of these things are wrong.
01:12Oh.
01:13They're intangible.
01:15They're idealistic.
01:16And they're not specific enough.
01:17So what I'm going to present to you today is something that is real, tangible, actionable.
01:22Uniforms.
01:23Excuse me.
01:24Yes.
01:25The key to our future utopia.
01:27Nerd.
01:28When we imagine all the utopian futures that we've seen in media,
01:33we think of uniforms in every one.
01:36For example, Star Trek.
01:37Uniforms.
01:38Star Trek Next Generation.
01:39Oh, that's true.
01:40Uniforms.
01:41Star Trek Deep Space Nine.
01:44Uniforms.
01:44Star Trek Voyager.
01:45Yeah, Uniforms.
01:47The best.
01:47Star Trek Discovery.
01:48One color, baby.
01:49Second worst.
01:50Uniform Uniforms.
01:50The Giver.
01:51Oh.
01:52Utopian.
01:53I didn't read the end, but I think that they were okay and it was okay.
01:55I think that's a boy band.
01:56Why is this so important to our survival as a species?
01:59I think it's quite possible that aliens are real.
02:01Ew.
02:02I think it is vital.
02:04That's Earth.
02:05It is vital for our reputation that humanity have its shit together.
02:09It could very well be possible that there are aliens right now,
02:13and they have not made contact with us yet because they're looking down at our yoga pants
02:17and our cowboy hats and our ties, and they're thinking, this is chaos.
02:21He's fucking dry.
02:22Fuck this guy.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Maybe if they came to visit, they'd get some lotion.
02:27But you might be asking yourself, but what if I don't want to wear the same thing every day?
02:32Right?
02:32What if I don't want to wear that?
02:33But what if I don't?
02:33Stop being selfish.
02:35Oh.
02:35Okay?
02:35This isn't about you.
02:36Oh.
02:37You might also be asking yourself, but how will I express myself?
02:40In this world, we will have three to five personal identity pins.
02:45Okay?
02:46Stupid.
02:46That's good.
02:47I'm one of the pins that's question authority while we're all wearing fucking uniforms.
02:50Rika, it's perfect.
02:52Okay?
02:52You can clearly delineate.
02:54I'm a punk.
02:55I question authority.
02:56I'm gay or have gay pride.
02:58I like plants.
02:59Wait, so you have to have at least three?
03:01What if I have six?
03:02I'm sorry, five, because then it's just going to get a whole mess.
03:05It's going to be messy.
03:06Now we're going to talk about the pros and cons of uniforms versus non-uniforms, or as I like
03:12to call them, uniforms.
03:14Hey, confusing.
03:16Once you get used to this system, it's going to be very, very clear.
03:18So I'm going to be first talking about the detriments of uniforms.
03:23Decision fatigue.
03:24Oh, we've got to go into our closet, and we've got to pick clothes that are appropriate
03:27for the day and the circumstance.
03:29No, no, no.
03:30You open a closet, and it is full of the exact same thing.
03:32That is better.
03:33I hate how much I'm relating to this.
03:35Yeah.
03:36Uniforms are divisive.
03:38They split people apart.
03:39We need a unified global society.
03:42Uniforms manifest a culture of judgment and comparison.
03:46I remember and have known one little boy who, as a child in fifth grade, had a lot of trouble
03:57because he decided that he wanted to wear suit vests to school for a full year, and that
04:04little boy was me.
04:06That's on you.
04:06That's on you.
04:07That's on you.
04:08Also, a detriment to uniforms, you have no idea what everyone's job is.
04:12I don't have one.
04:16Thank you, Rekha.
04:17And there is a uniform for that.
04:18I don't want that.
04:19There is a uniform for people actively looking for writing work.
04:22Thank you very much.
04:23You're getting ahead of me.
04:26Whoa, Reed.
04:27They're actually wearing sweatpants and free T-shirts.
04:32But wouldn't it be nice if it was more clean and concise, and we all looked like a unified
04:36global society?
04:37Currently, we have no idea what everyone's job is, and I'll show you our current society's
04:42breakdown.
04:43Firefighter.
04:44Doctor.
04:44Nurse.
04:45Police officer.
04:46Delivery person.
04:47And DJ.
04:48Stop it.
04:50Does this look like a unified global society?
04:52The society of the future will have a different set of uniforms that I think is a lot more clear
04:56and straightforward and covers more specific jobs.
04:59Oh.
05:00Such as a baker.
05:01Oh.
05:02Okay.
05:02A lawyer.
05:03Oh.
05:03Plumber.
05:04Oh, God.
05:04City council person.
05:05No.
05:05Teacher.
05:06Stop it.
05:06Laundromat attendant.
05:08Shoeshiner.
05:08Awful.
05:09Electrician.
05:10Garbage.
05:10Pothole filler.
05:11Women are working.
05:12Neighbor.
05:12Stupid.
05:13And producer.
05:14Of course she's a man.
05:16Whoa.
05:19Clear.
05:20Specific.
05:20Informative.
05:21Now we know what everybody's doing.
05:23And it just starts here, but there are a whole wide breadth of hundreds of thousands
05:28of colors and specificities that you can delineate between different things, like being on duty
05:34or off duty, retired, or off duty, retired, taking a break.
05:37This is the hex code for a baker that is currently off duty on their smoke break.
05:42Different than a retired teacher.
05:45Very different than a current on duty drug dealer.
05:49And you might ask yourself, this seems like a lot of new information.
05:54Don't worry.
05:55There is a hex code manual for exactly which positions are aligned to which specific colors
06:01and uniforms.
06:01Wouldn't the drug dealer not want you to know he's a drug dealer?
06:05No, no, no.
06:05Drug dealing is a very important part of the society of the future.
06:08Oh, I agree.
06:10Okay.
06:10I'm going to.
06:11Totally.
06:12What if I'm a baker on my smoke break, but I'm also dealing drugs?
06:19I'm glad that you asked that, because this is just scratching at the surface.
06:22There is a whole foray of different specifications, such as shirt tucked in versus untucked means
06:29that you're either full or hungry.
06:31I just asked that.
06:32Which is much?
06:33A popped collar versus non-popped.
06:35Popped collar means you're in need of a joke.
06:38Okay.
06:38Doesn't just mean you're cast money?
06:40Shirt stained versus unstained just has to do with the amount of time that you've been
06:43to the laundromat or not.
06:45Clear?
06:45Okay.
06:46It's also nationalizing the hanky code.
06:48With infinite permutations and meetings, so that everyone knows exactly the situation
06:52of the person that they are meeting for the very first time.
06:54And you know what will help with all this?
06:57Name tags.
06:58Oh, no, I don't.
06:59Do this.
06:59I don't want them.
07:00Yep.
07:01Name tags are important.
07:03Guess what?
07:03I have met every single one of you.
07:05Many of you, I've known my entire, well, many of you.
07:08Your entire life?
07:09Where are you hiding?
07:10I mean, thank you.
07:12Yep, I remember when you were born.
07:13Many of you I've known for many years, but if I was supposed to say all of your first
07:17names, being right here on the hotspot, that would cause me a lot of anxiety.
07:21You know what doesn't cause me a lot of anxiety?
07:23Everyone in the room that I'm in wearing name tags with their names on them.
07:26You can go up to somebody that you've never met before and say, hi, Sandra, I see that
07:31you're a retired drug dealer currently vacationing in Kuwait.
07:34Given the popped, non-pop, tucked in, I can see that she's a little tired.
07:38And we would all have the hex code manuals to tell us exactly the situation.
07:41So we know when we're in a subway with a murderer versus a retired baker.
07:45Can't be both.
07:46So far.
07:47Questions?
07:48Questions!
07:49Save them.
07:49I'm not done yet.
07:50Oh!
07:52That was a trip!
07:54We've been talking about unaforms.
07:56Now we're going to talk about the benefits of uniforms.
07:59Uniforms.
08:00Unaforms.
08:00Uniforms.
08:01They break down class divides.
08:02They're creating a global in-group.
08:05They're a reminder of the motivation and shared human purpose of us as a global society.
08:09They're ready for space travel.
08:11And of course, aliens won't look down on us.
08:13What if I don't care because he's a dry-ass bitch?
08:15I do leave you all with this, that aliens are real and they will judge us.
08:20So we need to step it up, get together, and be accepted into the society of the future.
08:26Thank you so much, David, for that enlightening presentation.
08:34I doubt it, but do we have any questions?
08:37If we're doing Star Trek rules, does that mean all the hot people have to wear little tiny skirts and deep cleavage?
08:42No.
08:43We will all be wearing exactly what I'm wearing in different colors.
08:46Ew.
08:48Is that, that's, that's good?
08:50What if I don't want to look like a Froyo employee?
08:52Right.
08:53Remember the personal identity pins?
08:55Those can go anywhere.
08:56You can put those, you can be your, your own identity self by showing people that you like Shrek or, you know, or a flint person.
09:03You can't give me that as a standard example.
09:04You're a Shrek person.
09:05Oh, yeah.
09:05What happens if you're colorblind?
09:07Oh, that's a really good question.
09:09Oh, fuck.
09:10No, no, no.
09:10No, no, no, no.
09:12Okay, so there will be, um, lenses that you can put on your glasses.
09:17Okay.
09:18He didn't get this through.
09:19Yeah, that will help tell you which a color is which still, even if they're shades of gray.
09:24Why can't we all be nakey?
09:25Oh.
09:26Oh.
09:27The original uniform.
09:28We get cold.
09:29There will be jackets that we need, we can put on as part of the uniforms in cold weather.
09:33I think that clothing is important.
09:35We'll also need the name tag.
09:37We need the name tag.
09:37And you can't put, you can't put that on your skin.
09:39And how will people know I'm a neighbor?
09:42Yeah.
09:42That's true.
09:43I'm naked.
09:44Exactly.
09:44I'm my naked neighbor.
09:46Are you also putting a plan in place to make people not worse racists than they were before
09:53the uniforms?
09:54I really think if everyone dressed extremely similarly, but they were just in slightly
10:00different colors, signifying what their roles in society were, that is a great first step.
10:08Pins are allowed for expressing ourselves.
10:11Can we put wigs in the mix?
10:13I'm going to say that wigs are allowed on weekends.
10:16Oh!
10:17Hey, let loose.
10:18Honestly, that did it for me.
10:21Silk Crest Saturdays.
10:22We both can weave weekend.
10:23Weave weekend.
10:24Yes.
10:25What about underwear?
10:27Go crazy.
10:28Oh!
10:30Go crazy!
10:31On the bottom, neon, strapped to the nine, and then on top, you're like khaki on khaki.
10:40So you've introduced a level of customization with jackets and glasses to the point that I'm
10:44just like, we're no longer in a uniform.
10:45Yes.
10:47At what point is the customization just, we're back to wearing different clothes again?
10:52I don't think I understand the question.
10:56Okay.
10:56All right.
10:56I want to present.
10:57But because your neighbor would be clearly a retired banker that is hungry and hasn't
11:04slept in a while.
11:04Hungry.
11:05But let's say that he wakes up one day and wants a joke and also a coffee and then also
11:09his leg hurts.
11:10So he's got to pop his collar.
11:12He's got to roll up his sleeves.
11:14He's got to put on a jacket because his house is cold.
11:16We no longer look anything alike.
11:18Right.
11:19I think we're saying the same thing you and I.
11:20I don't know.
11:20Okay.
11:21Who picks these clothes?
11:23Are you saying the government?
11:24I will.
11:25I have to.
11:26It's you.
11:26Oh!
11:26I've already done it.
11:27I've already done the work.
11:28Oh, okay.
11:29So nobody, I mean, this is an actionable thing.
11:31Yeah.
11:31This isn't something that is idealistic and it's something that we're going to do in
11:35the future.
11:36We can all do this today.
11:37Could one of my pins be like a slutty crop top?
11:40Wait, a tiny little slutty crop top that you wear as a pin?
11:42No, no, no, no.
11:42Like the whole, it's pinned to my body, but it's a slutty crop top.
11:46It's as big as a crop top.
11:48There is a maximum minimum size to these pins.
11:50You didn't say that.
11:51There also are pins that the crop top pin, as a pin, says to everybody, I'm a suck slut.
11:58Ask me if I'm a slut.
12:00Yeah.
12:00What a slut pin.
12:02Ask me if I'm a slut.
12:03Yeah.
12:03And when you ask me, I'll say, no.
12:07How dare you?
12:09Excuse me?
12:10How will we be printing a copy of this manual for everyone on Earth?
12:15It is currently a website in working order.
12:20So you would have to access it because it is long.
12:23Give us the URL straight to camera.
12:25So that is www.davidsimaginedfuture.org.
12:31You're going to link people to some porn by accident.
12:34Well, thank you, David.
12:39Thank you, David.
12:42Hello, esteemed Smarty Pances.
12:49I have come to present you with a groundbreaking new idea, tricking straight men into therapy.
12:55Therapy is sitting in a room with a kind nerd until you come to the realization that what
13:06is wrong with you is different than what you thought was wrong with you.
13:11Wow.
13:12Yeah.
13:13I know.
13:13And just to make sure we're all on the same page to define a straight man, that's just a
13:19little guy.
13:20We know them.
13:21We begrudgingly love them.
13:22Straight men fear their own feelings.
13:26Our team crunched the numbers, and we found out that we are losing billions of dollars a
13:33year to men who know talk feelings good.
13:36Wow.
13:39We first had to devise a test of trickery.
13:44Oh.
13:46Oh.
13:48There it is.
13:48Now, our initial tests yielded surprising positive results.
13:56Operation Penn Station Sub on a String ended up luring 45 unsuspecting straight men into
14:06the gentle, loving arms of healthcare-subsidized self-reflection.
14:12At Penn Station?
14:14What was on the sub?
14:15Is that a real sub?
14:15Let's talk about it after this.
14:18I have a sub for you after this.
14:21Oh, that sounds great.
14:22For the low, low price of talking to someone who really wants to talk to you.
14:27You got a sub, though.
14:28Don't forget.
14:28Okay.
14:29There we go.
14:30Hope that someone is a sandwich artist.
14:31Phase one, while successful, unfortunately did have to end.
14:37Yeah.
14:37But for those 45 families of those 45 straight men, they are the happiest they've ever been.
14:46Wow.
14:47And those 45 men, they're working on it.
14:50Even that man on the end is the happiest he's ever been?
14:53He's working on it.
14:54Oh.
14:55You should have seen it before.
14:56You should have seen him before.
14:58He was like, true.
15:00Okay.
15:00Wow.
15:00So, we had to design a new approach.
15:03It's multi-pronged, high-tech, it is sassy as fuck.
15:07I would like to introduce you to phase two, too past, too curious about why your brain does
15:14that weird thing it does.
15:15Yeah, I'm listening.
15:16That made me a straight man.
15:18Don't you want to have a car like this?
15:20Yeah.
15:21We can be fair.
15:22You are one therapy meeting away.
15:25So, prong number one.
15:27I'll take a feelings bowl, please.
15:29Whoa.
15:30Just so we're clear, BetterHelp isn't real therapy.
15:33What?
15:34Are you telling me podcasts lie?
15:36Let's not get crazy.
15:39Additionally, Chipotle isn't real Mexican food.
15:43Stop it right now.
15:44Look at that, no.
15:44They are both close enough for straight men.
15:49Yes.
15:50Yes.
15:50Yes.
15:52We are combining every straight man's favorite bulk food with every podcast's favorite bank
16:01roller.
16:02I would like to introduce you good people to Chipotle.
16:05Wow.
16:07Rolls off the tongue.
16:09Chipotle.
16:10What you will do at Chipotle is you will pay a flat fee of whatever a breedable cost right
16:15now.
16:15A lot too much.
16:16And every question that you answer that is posed to you by our trained therapist slash
16:23tasty slop artists will earn you an additional topping.
16:28Wow.
16:29Wow.
16:29So, what thoughts have been keeping you up at night?
16:33Oh, you gave me a heartfelt answer.
16:35Corn!
16:36Corn!
16:37Why did you say no to going swimming with your friends?
16:44Salsa verde!
16:45Okay.
16:46Green.
16:47Why do you think World War II trivia is more important than your mom's birthday?
16:52Gay song!
16:55But guacamole is always extra.
16:58That's right.
16:59Our second prong is sport ball.
17:01We all agree.
17:02The thing that sports is missing.
17:05Let's say it together, everybody.
17:07The heartfelt exchanging of feelings and desires.
17:10Yes, yes, exactly.
17:13So now, after every point, every goal, every basket, every run on the stickiest wicket,
17:21a commentator is going to ask the players, what teacher first made you believe in yourself?
17:29Oh.
17:30What did that bully say to you when you were 14?
17:33But we will be very careful to only fire positive thought starters if your team is losing because we fear you when you're mad.
17:42Mm-hmm.
17:43Also, every sports betting app will now be taking mommy and daddy issues of all players into account.
17:50Bet accordingly.
17:52This last prong, it's controversial.
17:54They told me not to even talk about it.
17:56But you all deserve to know.
17:58Seal, of course, standing for.
18:00Scaring, eager, Anna, males.
18:02Oh, wow.
18:03Oh.
18:04With Lysistrada.
18:06Yeah.
18:06It is a play by a dead guy named Aristophanes.
18:11In this play, there is a war.
18:13And the women decide that they are going to stop doing the do until the men put their swords down.
18:23Whoa.
18:23Whoa.
18:24It also actually happened in Liberia.
18:27That's not a bit.
18:28Look it up.
18:29Wow.
18:29Wow.
18:30So we know it works.
18:31Everyone in a relationship or situationship, I don't know your weave, with a straight man will be withholding the woohoo until they are on a chaise lounge talking about how not making varsity soccer is all of our problem now.
18:49Crazy picture.
18:51So with this patented, trident approach, I believe we can make this world better, safer, because once again, we are afraid of you, and a more emotionally sound place.
19:06Happier relationships, happier relationships, world peace, dodo, he's back, baby.
19:22Luxury gay space communism.
19:25Wow.
19:26What about for those of us that don't need there because it's stupid and it doesn't work?
19:52Mm-hmm.
19:53Mm-hmm.
19:53Oh.
19:54Okay.
19:55I also have a sandwich waiting for you after the presentation.
19:58Okay.
19:58I am a man and I am partnered with a man, but he is not straight, nor does he go to therapy.
20:05Where do I send this gay?
20:07Oh.
20:08Oh.
20:09Have you considered tricking your partner with their favorite meal?
20:14Churros.
20:15Oh, I love that.
20:16Churros, very easy to tie onto a string, a fishing line, and just stand in the therapist's office.
20:24Oh, okay.
20:25And reel it in.
20:26See, my opinion is you might need to do it fast because churros, the freshness.
20:30Yeah.
20:30Oh, that's so true.
20:32I don't know, Alexis, if that messes it up.
20:34Oh.
20:34Yeah.
20:34You're saying if I don't give my man no sex, what do I do?
20:41I know sex?
20:42Toys exist, and some would even argue that you might have a better time.
20:49I'm a straight man.
20:51I'm sorry.
20:52Wow.
20:53Brave.
20:53Brave.
20:53Brave.
20:54That's so brave of you.
20:55I'm so sorry.
20:57I'm sorry, too.
20:58If I cry, what am I going to do if the gamers in my Twitch chat find out about it?
21:03Uh-oh.
21:04Wow.
21:04You might have to find a new cohort of streamers who are comfortable with their emotions.
21:12No.
21:13Tell them.
21:14This is the hard work that everyone's been talking about.
21:18Would you be able to message your Twitch streamers about the hard work?
21:22Maybe if you structured it as a competition.
21:25Oh, doing the work competition?
21:26Gamify it.
21:27Gamify it.
21:27Gamify it.
21:28Who can be the most mentally healthy by the end of the week?
21:30The most mentally sound.
21:31Yeah, and they could have some in-app purchases available if they're doing really well.
21:37That's pretty sick.
21:37You got some cool skins.
21:40I'm mad at my mommy.
21:41Okay.
21:43And what did your mommy do to make you mad?
21:46I don't want to get into it.
21:47It hasn't affected me in any way.
21:48I just wanted to say that.
21:49Oh, no.
21:49Of course not.
21:50But, you know, just for kicks and giggles.
21:52Sure.
21:52What would that support look like to you?
21:54I guess just like encouragement or telling me that I can do anything I wanted to do and
21:58be anyone that I wanted to be when I grow up and not just telling me that I'm bad for
22:02not doing certain things would be great.
22:04Is that a tear?
22:06No.
22:06No, of course not.
22:07No.
22:08The glasses are on.
22:09Demi, if you cry, we'll give you corn.
22:11Can I substitute the corn for one of the other salsas?
22:13Just because I don't like it when it's mild.
22:14I want it to have a little kick to it.
22:16Oh, my gosh.
22:16Yeah, we can give you spicy.
22:18We can give you spicy.
22:20Wow.
22:20Breakthrough.
22:21Breakthrough.
22:22We just watched the breakthrough, everybody.
22:25Thank you, Alexis, for this enlightening presentation.
22:30Woo!
22:30Oh, my gosh.
22:36I'm really excited that Dropout asked me to come back and do this.
22:40I kind of told them, like, I don't really have any ideas for a presentation.
22:43I've been busy working on, like, a movie.
22:46And they were like, it's fine.
22:47You got time and we'll pair you with a graphic designer.
22:49And I was like, maybe it'd be fun if I presented my idea for the movie, though.
22:52And they were like, well, maybe you want to do something kind of silly.
22:55And I was like, cartoon characters I could beat in a fight.
22:58And they were like, cool.
22:59Yeah, let's do that.
22:59And with that, I give you.
23:01I told Dropout I was doing a presentation on which cartoon characters I could take in a fight.
23:04But I lied.
23:06Here's my pitch for a reboot of the movie Big.
23:08Yay!
23:09And look, I know what you're thinking.
23:13This is a show about teaching people and convincing them of something.
23:16Which is why I'm here to teach you that I'm really good at coming up with ideas
23:19and convince you that you should give me between $10 to $200 million to make this happen.
23:24That's a lot.
23:25I don't really listen to modern music.
23:27I'm 32 going on 74.
23:28I haven't listened to any music that was made after the towers fell.
23:30But I did, basically.
23:33Do you mean the closing of Tower Records?
23:35Yes, correct.
23:35I don't know what you guys are thinking about.
23:37Yeah.
23:38So, basically, I built this presentation with a few slides that have something I like to call
23:42generative smart tech to kind of tell me what the kids are listening to nowadays.
23:45We open with our protagonist, 12-year-old Elliot Riverbeens.
23:48And he's at home on a Friday night watching his favorite streaming service, which is whichever
23:53one buys this.
23:54Yeah!
23:54Who is playing Elliot Riverbeens, you may ask?
23:58Well, it's none other than America's number one child actor, Jacob Tremblay.
24:02Wow.
24:03Now, he's going to be like 30-something by the time this movie comes out.
24:05So, we're going to have to use some technology to de-age him.
24:08Oh, my God!
24:10Elliot's mom comes into the living room and she's like, Elliot, what are you doing?
24:12It's Friday night.
24:13You should be hanging out with some similarly-aged kids.
24:15And Elliot's like, I don't relate to anyone my age, Mom.
24:18All they want to do is talk about the hot new bands and gossip about cute girls.
24:22I don't like that stuff.
24:23I'm an old soul.
24:24I like old songs like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin.
24:28Everyone else my age likes music like, uh...
24:32Chubble...
24:33Mm, that sounds...
24:34Oh!
24:35I love Chubble.
24:35That seems wrong.
24:36Like Chubble Rune!
24:37And Elliot's mom's just kind of like, you can't be sitting here on a Friday night.
24:42You're going to the carnival.
24:43Whether or not she wants to, right?
24:44Parents, huh?
24:46Yeah.
24:46So, anyway, they go to the carnival together.
24:49And even there, Elliot's having a terrible time.
24:52He can't relate to the kids.
24:53Elliot's more interested in adult things.
24:55Like discussing the changing class dynamics of middle America and investing in IBM.
25:00So, basically, he's like, I gotta find someone else that I can relate to.
25:04So, he walks around the carnival and he finds a Zoltar machine.
25:07Oh!
25:09That's right.
25:09Just like the original.
25:11So, Elliot goes up to the Zoltar machine and he starts talking.
25:15He's like, I'm sick of being here.
25:17I hate being small.
25:18And I don't just mean young, I mean small.
25:21Because the kids make fun of me for my size.
25:22They say mean things.
25:24Things like, oh, short-looking ass bitch.
25:26Uh, Rumpelstiltskin-looking ass short ass.
25:28Uh, mini-mean-looking ass.
25:30Baby, uh, Grico seat sitting in the back of the car ass.
25:33Gary Oldman in tiptoes looking ass.
25:34It goes on ten minutes.
25:35It's a full ten minutes of the movie.
25:37And after this, he basically goes up to Zoltar and he's just like, I just hate this.
25:41I don't want to be small anymore.
25:42More than anything else in the world, I want to be big.
25:45Two.
25:46So, he makes a wish and he walks away.
25:48Little as you know, the little ticket comes out of the machine and says wish granted.
25:52The next day, Elliot wakes up.
25:54And he's like, oh, what the hell?
25:56What happened last night?
25:57I'm all foggy.
25:58He gets out of bed.
25:59He's like, ow, my sciatic nerve.
26:01He walks over to the bathroom.
26:02There's unexplained and convenient fog.
26:04And he wipes that fog away.
26:05And what he sees is not 12-year-old Elliot Riverbeans.
26:08It's...
26:09Oh, my Christ.
26:1150-something character actor Walton Goggins?
26:14In a long overdue starring role?
26:17That's right.
26:18James Marsden?
26:19Walton?
26:20I just said his name.
26:21So, Elliot scratches at his scruff.
26:23He tucks on his eyelids.
26:24And he says, with an epiphany,
26:26Oh, my God.
26:28I think...
26:30I'm in...
26:33a big scenario.
26:35That's right.
26:36The twist here?
26:37The movie Big exists in this universe.
26:40And Elliot has seen it.
26:42Elliot says out loud,
26:43Well, it's a good thing I've seen the movie Big.
26:45Because I kind of love movies from the 80s.
26:47That's my thing.
26:47I like movies like Ghostbusters and Top Gun.
26:50Kids my age, they don't usually like that stuff.
26:52They like movies like, uh...
26:54Ghostb...
26:55Okay.
26:56Um...
26:57Ha ha.
26:59But because I've seen the movie Big,
27:01I know that my mom's going to be really worried
27:02to realize that her little boy has disappeared.
27:04So I got to do something to make sure she doesn't freak out.
27:06Handled.
27:07He leaves her a note.
27:08Now, Elliot knows that the first thing he's got to do
27:10is go and find that Zoltar machine.
27:12So he goes back to the carnival.
27:14Oh, this is from the other presentations.
27:20I could take SpongeBob so easily.
27:22Home court advantage.
27:23We're not in water, so...
27:26Anyway, he goes to the carnival to find the Zoltar machine.
27:30But when he gets there, it's gone.
27:31What the hell? What happened to it?
27:33And he suddenly hears, they destroyed the machine.
27:36He turns around and sees a little boy operating the Tilt-A-World.
27:39Who's playing that little boy?
27:41Why, it's none other than America's number two child actor, Young Sheldon.
27:44Yeah.
27:46Yeah.
27:46However, by the time something comes out, he's going to be 30-something, so we're going to need to de-age him.
27:50Yeah.
27:52They're just lighter.
27:53Elliot is like, well, where the hell did this machine go?
27:55And Young Sheldon's like, well, grown men kept coming up to the carnival and making a wish that they could be little boys.
28:01And the mayor thought it was weird, so they destroyed it.
28:03It's really not convenient for him.
28:05And Elliot has to explain that he's not one of those old weird grown men.
28:08He's stuck in a big scenario.
28:10He goes on to start explaining the plot of Big.
28:12And all of a sudden, the kid's like, you don't got to explain that to me.
28:15I know the movie Big.
28:16I love it.
28:17I'm not like other kids my age.
28:18I'm more interested in discussing, like, I don't know, the changing class dynamics of middle America and investing in IBM.
28:25Wait a minute.
28:27Maybe this kid is kind of like Elliot is.
28:29Maybe this is Elliot's way of realizing that there are other kids who are just like him.
28:33So we ask the kid, hey, what's your name, kid?
28:37And the kid says, my name?
28:38Don Cheadle.
28:40No relation to the star of stage and screen.
28:42And Elliot's like, well, obviously.
28:45Yeah, because I'm white.
28:46Yeah, obviously.
28:47Anyway.
28:49He starts to leave and walk away.
28:51And the little kid Don Cheadle says, well, if you're in a big scenario, then you know that at the end of Big, he kind of learns that it's not all it's cracked up to be being old.
28:59Do you think that you're headed towards that revelation?
29:01And he thinks for a second.
29:03And Elliot decides, no.
29:05Because when you're old, you can say cuss words.
29:07And when you go onto a website for internet pornography, you can hit the over 18 button.
29:11So it's great.
29:12Elliot starts walking away and Don Cheadle's like, wait, I should tell you.
29:16There is still one Zoltar machine, but you're not going to like it.
29:19Because it's all the way in Los Angeles at Tom Hanks' house.
29:23What?
29:25No.
29:26Los Angeles, that's all the way across the country.
29:29They're in New York, as will have been previously established in the movie, but not in this pitch right now.
29:34If Elliot's going to get across the country to Los Angeles, he's going to have to get a job.
29:38But he's a child, so it can't be too hard.
29:39It's got to be something easy, something simple, something an idiot can do, all right?
29:43And that job?
29:44Network executive.
29:46At what network?
29:48Whichever one doesn't buy this.
29:50First day of Elliot's job, a producer stands up and is like, we got to start making new hits, all right?
29:55To get kids hooked on our platform.
29:57And Elliot stands up.
29:58I'm sick of kids' stuff today.
30:00They should be watching the good shows, like Seinfeld or Different Strokes.
30:03None of this crap that you see on TV now, like...
30:06This fucking thing.
30:10Okay.
30:12C-SPAN!
30:13He's texting him, he's like, but my kids love that show!
30:15And Elliot's like, well, your kids are dumb, and I bet they're mean to short people.
30:18And maybe if they were watching better television, they wouldn't be.
30:21Suddenly, slow clap.
30:22A man stands up in the back of the room, and you can tell he's a powerful producer, because he's in the back of the room, and he's wearing sunglasses.
30:30And he says to Elliot, I like you, kid, because you got good ideas.
30:34They're the same as the old ideas, which makes me feel comfortable.
30:36How would you like to come with me to Los Angeles to meet a friend of mine?
30:40And Elliot's like, well, sure.
30:41Can I bring my best friend, Don Cheadle?
30:43And he's actually like, I've got no further questions about who that is.
30:45Let's go!
30:46So they, okay, this is also, sorry, this is the other presentation.
30:51I don't think I could beat any of the minions, especially Bob, he's a biter.
30:54So anyway, they get onto the plane, right?
30:57And suddenly, I don't.
31:01Okay, well, you're not the audience I'm pitching to.
31:03I'm pitching to the many executives watching at home.
31:05It's going to look better than this if you give me a hundred million.
31:07Elliot then goes on to see a beautiful woman walking towards him.
31:09But because he's seen the original big, he knows this woman's going to try and hit on him, and that can't happen.
31:14So he looks her right in the barrel and goes, hey, lady, don't try to fuck me.
31:17I'm a little boy.
31:22They land.
31:23They hop off the plane at LAX with a dream and a cardigan.
31:26And a little boy whose parents don't seem to be worried about his whereabouts whatsoever.
31:29The executive gets him in a taxi.
31:31They go on up to a mansion in the hills.
31:33And as the owner of the house comes to the door, that executive looks right at the boys and says,
31:38fellas, I'd like you to meet my friend, Tom Hanks.
31:43Whoa.
31:44The exact guy that they have to meet.
31:47How convenient.
31:48And really early in a movie that's supposed to be about a hundred minutes of a run time.
31:52They walk inside and they're astounded.
31:54Everywhere they go, the house is adorned with memorabilia from Tom Hanks films like Punchline and other ones.
32:00Yeah.
32:01The executive explains that Elliot has just come up with some great ideas and that Tom Hanks should sit down and get to hear them all.
32:06So they do.
32:07Tom Hanks listens thoughtfully.
32:08And he looks at the kids and he says, I remember the first film I saw.
32:15I remember the second.
32:16I remember the third, the fifth, the eighth.
32:18And I remember how impressive they were to us and how much they made me want to be in film and how awesome that was.
32:24And we got older and we kept doing that.
32:27And when I look at this generation now, I feel sad.
32:31I feel frustrated that when we came into power, we stripped the idea of originality and creation from this younger generation in the hopes of just furthering our own nostalgia.
32:41It's a curse that we have given to the younger generations.
32:43We don't allow them to have their own sense of wonder and whimsy and create things that they can see as fuck-ups and as joys and have these discoveries.
32:49Because we're so busy with what was cool when we were young.
32:54When we were young, it was counterculture to be into all of these things.
32:57And we got older and we became the culture.
32:59And instead of looking back at those kids and saying, you should be the counterculture, we tell them, you will enjoy our culture.
33:03And the only way for us to ever outgrow it is to just let the kids enjoy what they're going to enjoy.
33:10And Elliot hears this and it's the first time that he thinks that maybe this nostalgia is a bad thing.
33:17And he gets up and he goes to the bathroom, leaving Tom Hanks and the executive with a 14-year-old boy they don't know.
33:23So in the bathroom, Elliot sees this Zoltar machine.
33:27He walks over to it and he thinks, do I really want to be this person forever?
33:33Or do I want to be 12-year-old Elliot Riverbeens again?
33:37And he closes his eyes and he makes a wish.
33:39And we don't hear it.
33:41But from the other room, we hear, poof, pow, zam, smoke.
33:45And out of that room walks 12-year-old Elliot Riverbeens.
33:49Now Tom Hanks is pretty like, oh God, this always happens.
33:51Grown men come into my house and they wish to be a little boy and I'm sick of it.
33:55So he kicks them out.
33:56And the executive is like, I cannot be alone with two 12-year-olds that I accidentally smuggled from across the country.
34:00So he heads the fuck out of there.
34:02But he calls them a taxi.
34:03And they sit on the curb and they bond over just being kids for the first time.
34:07And Don Cheadle's honest with me.
34:09He's like, sometimes I'm scared.
34:11And when I get scared, I kind of like to listen to music.
34:13I really want to listen to that new Trouble Rune song.
34:15He's like, well, maybe we can listen to it together.
34:18So they each split an earbud and they hit play on that beautiful Trouble Rune song.
34:23Generative error occurred.
34:27We roll, we hit the credits.
34:29Now, you can't have a movie without trying to get Oscars for it, right?
34:33So what I decided is this movie, if it's going to be a hit, has to have an original song written by a known hit maker.
34:38And who's that hit maker going to be?
34:39Randy Newman.
34:41Presenting a song called, I Want to Be a Little Boy.
34:45Hit it.
34:45I'm sick of eating healthy meals.
34:47I'm sick of eating meals.
34:49I'm sick of filling out 1099s and W-2s.
34:52I'm sick of acting like I know what all those forms are even fucking for.
34:59I'm sick of overthinking every little thing that I've done.
35:03I'm sick of doctors shoving tiny cameras up my bum.
35:06I'm sick of thinking about the past and wondering what the future's got in store.
35:10But I got a funny feeling that I won't be feeling funny anymore.
35:18Yes!
35:19I'm making a wish to go back to the bliss of being a young little boy.
35:24Ooh, my fingers are crossed that the man in the box can turn me into a young little boy.
35:30Back when no groceries are paying for rent.
35:33Just building core traumas out of minor events.
35:36There ain't a single problem that eating candy can't fix.
35:38So I would rather be 12 than eating dinner at 6.
35:41Back when life was wonderful instead of depressing.
35:44And let me be clear, this is in no way a sex thing.
35:47It's just my existential angst.
35:49It's got me praying to my God, Tom Hanks.
35:52I want to be a little boy.
35:54I want to be a little boy.
35:57Like 13 at most, a little boy.
36:02It's a jungle out there.
36:03Oh, wow!
36:06Yes!
36:08And I wouldn't fight Snoopy, we'd come to a truce.
36:16Wow.
36:16Okay, that's nice.
36:18Wow!
36:19That means!
36:20Beautiful!
36:20That means!
36:21Amazing!
36:21Incredible!
36:22Incredible!
36:23Wow.
36:24What an enlightening presentation.
36:27Now to kick off the Q&A.
36:29They tried to redo Big.
36:31It was called Little and it was a critical and financial flop.
36:34I recall.
36:34Didn't factor in.
36:38Hey, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
36:41Most times when they do reboots, they try to like change a little something like before
36:46it was a white kid and now it's a black kid like Karate Kid.
36:49Mm-hmm.
36:50Is there a reason why they're still white kids?
36:53They don't have to be.
36:54We can put Walton Goggins in some makeup.
36:56Okay!
36:57Okay!
36:57And thank you for addressing that note.
37:00You wanted, what are you, he's already cast.
37:02And thank you for addressing that note.
37:04He's in.
37:04What do you want?
37:05Will the real Don Cheadle also be present at any point during this film?
37:10Maybe a cameo moment, waiting at the bus stop with the boys in Los Angeles?
37:16I mean, if we can get him, but Walton Goggins is already playing a role.
37:20No!
37:21He can't do Blackface!
37:23Could you take Cosmo and Wanda or would they beat you because flying?
37:27Am I taking them together?
37:28Yeah.
37:29No.
37:30Demi, are there any other old movies you would like to do a remake of?
37:33Little.
37:35Demi, the madness must stop.
37:37What would you do with Little?
37:38Little is a failed big remake!
37:40But it can be a good remake if we do it again and she wishes to be Little and was like,
37:44Oh my God, I'm in a little scenario!
37:47Double and!
37:48No!
37:50Wow.
37:50Thank you for this wonderful presentation.
37:54I can't.
38:00Well, everyone, we learned a lot tonight.
38:03And with that, our secret meeting must come to an end.
38:06So let us retreat back into the shadows just a little more enlightened than we were before.
38:12Thank you and good night.
38:14APPLAUSE
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