Shane Gillis' stand-up monologue at the 2025 ESPYS

Laugh it off

Watch Shane Gillis' stand-up monologue at the 2025 ESPYS - Laugh it off on Dailymotion

Transcript

00:00Please welcome your host, Shane Gillis.

00:21Hello, welcome to the 2025 ESPYs.

00:26I'm so excited to be here in front of so many amazing athletes.

00:29World Champion Freddie Freeman is here.

00:32Give it up for Freddie, yeah.

00:38WNBA legend Deanna Taurasi is here.

00:41Give it up for her.

00:42My bad on that.

00:46SGA is here.

00:47Give it up for SGA.

00:49Hell yeah, bro.

00:51And now everybody sitting around him is in foul trouble.

00:57Megan Rapinoe could not make it tonight.

00:59Nice.

01:04No?

01:04We're going to pretend she's a good time.

01:05All right.

01:09Jon Jones and Nate Diaz are here.

01:11I actually, yeah, hell yeah.

01:16Actually, I had a couple drinks with those guys last night at the hotel,

01:18and it was terrifying.

01:20Donald Trump wants to stage a UFC fight on the White House lawn.

01:26The last time he staged a fight in DC, Mike Pence almost died.

01:33All right.

01:34You don't have to do that.

01:35It was fine.

01:37I didn't write it.

01:37Actually, there was supposed to be an Epstein joke here, but as it got deleted.

01:47Must have probably deleted itself, right?

01:51Probably never existed, actually.

01:53Let's move on as a country and ignore that.

01:54The New York Knicks had a great season.

02:00Yeah.

02:00Hell yeah.

02:04Carl Anthony Towns is here.

02:06Hey, girl.

02:07Max Crosby is here.

02:12Max, I hope you had a good Juneteenth, brother.

02:18Well, that guy's weird.

02:21Four-time WNBA all-star Brittany Hicks is here.

02:24Give it up for Brittany, everybody.

02:27I'm joking around.

02:29That's my friend's wife.

02:31I knew none of you knew WNBA players.

02:33That's crazy.

02:36You clap for that.

02:39Simone Biles is here.

02:41Yeah.

02:42Hell yeah.

02:47It's not bad.

02:49Simone Biles is four foot eight and has seven gold medals.

02:52She's short and has a lot of gold.

02:54When she's not competing, she leads a quiet life at the base of a rainbow.

03:01It's a leprechaun joke.

03:03If you tell Simone a riddle and she can't answer it,

03:05she has to give you all of her gold medals.

03:09That was the best one.

03:13Joe Rogan actually wanted me to be here to host this award show so that I could

03:16capture Adam Silver because Joe thinks he's an alien.

03:20And Donald Trump wanted me to be here to capture Juan Soto for the same reason.

03:27It's an alien joke.

03:28What are you booed up there, dude?

03:29Shut up.

03:30Aaron Rodgers did not take the vaccine because he predicted it would be bad for

03:36him.

03:37And then he joined the New York Jets.

03:41So maybe he wasn't right about everything.

03:43Shenor Sanders had his jersey number retired at Colorado this year.

03:48And people are saying it's because of nepotism, because of his father.

03:52And it's not.

03:52It's because he went 13 and 12 over his career and he almost won the Alamo Bowl.

04:00Definitely not nepotism, right?

04:01All right.

04:04A big year for the WNBA.

04:05I love Caitlyn Clark.

04:07Yeah, hell yeah.

04:11Caitlyn Clark, she and I have a lot in common.

04:13We're both whites from the Midwest who have nailed a bunch of threes.

04:22All right.

04:23There you go.

04:23Lighten up a little.

04:25This is not serious.

04:26We'll see about this one.

04:33When Caitlyn Clark retires from the WNBA, she's going to work at a Waffle House,

04:38so she can continue doing what she loves most, fist fighting black women.

04:46Yeah, hell yeah.

04:47Who yelled, Drewski?

04:48Thank you, bro.

04:49Oh, John Jones.

04:51What are you, nut jobs over there?

04:52Hell yeah.

04:53Uh, Shohei Ohtani couldn't make it tonight.

04:57Man, I hope his interpreter didn't bet that he was going to be here.

05:02Shohei is a once-in-a-generation talent.

05:04No one's been able to do what he does at so many positions.

05:08Pitcher, hitter, and bookie.

05:11A bookie is what Bill Belichick reads to his girlfriend before bedtime.

05:14They do.

05:21They read, uh, the very horny caterpillar.

05:25The little engine that could but needed a pill first.

05:29And, of course, the classic goodnight boobs.

05:34That was my favorite one.

05:35Uh, also, I'm not trashing Bill Belichick.

05:38First off, he's 73 years old, and he's dating a hot 24-year-old.

05:42And people are criticizing him?

05:44What happened to this country?

05:46It used to be a great country.

05:47He won six Super Bowls.

05:50Yeah.

05:51He's dating a hot 24-year-old.

05:53Maybe if you guys won six Super Bowls,

05:55you wouldn't be sitting next to a fat, ugly dog wife.

06:03They let me do it.

06:04I don't- This is Disney.

06:06They allowed that.

06:08Uh, yeah, I'm gonna tell you a story.

06:09I was at, uh, yeah, we should have taken that out.

06:13Uh, I had doubts going into that.

06:17That didn't work all week.

06:18Uh, I actually, it was a good year for me in sports.

06:21I went to Notre Dame, went to the national title.

06:23I was at the, yeah, go Irish.

06:25I was at the, uh, I was at the Eagles game, the Super Bowl when they won.

06:29And it was not, yeah, go Birds.

06:31Yeah, go Birds.

06:32Yeah, but I was down there.

06:34I'm just gonna tell you a story real quick.

06:35It's not a good joke.

06:36I was, uh, it was, it was halftime of the game.

06:39When we looked up, you could see Donald Trump.

06:40He was sitting at, at, at the suite, like at the 50-yard line.

06:44You couldn't see him, but you could see, like, his silhouette.

06:46You know what I mean?

06:47He was just.

06:52Also, can we stop pretending Donald Trump knows ball?

06:55It's like a weird thing where they're like, man, he loves sports.

06:57He doesn't know anything about sports.

06:59Every time a team comes and visits the White House, he's like, and you must be the guy who catches.

07:06It's like, look at these guys, big guys, black guys.

07:13And that's just when the New York Liberty visited.

07:18They didn't visit.

07:18That's just a joke.

07:19But, but it was halftime, and we looked up, and we saw, we saw Trump.

07:25I was with my buddy, and I was like, we should just sneak up there and try to meet him.

07:28And we did.

07:28We got into his suite, which turns out it's pretty easy to get access to Donald Trump,

07:32which is probably why he keeps getting shot all the time.

07:35We just got right in there.

07:36But we're in there.

07:37He doesn't know who I am, but there's a line of people, and he's just shaking hands with everybody.

07:41And I was at the end of the line.

07:42But also, I took a picture with him, and I posted it, and people got upset about that.

07:48What the hell?

07:49He's the president.

07:50If Osama bin Laden was in the suite, I would have been like, you're crazy.

07:57But he's shaking hands with everybody.

07:59It's very funny.

07:59Trump does this thing whenever he meets somebody for the first time,

08:02even if he doesn't know him.

08:02He gives him like a crazy compliment.

08:04It's kind of nice.

08:05Like, he got to the guy next to me, and he was like, look at you.

08:07You're beautiful.

08:09And then he got to me, and he was like, look at you.

08:11You're huge.

08:12I was like, thank you, Mr. President.

08:14But he shook my hand.

08:15He stood next to me.

08:16So I'm just, you know, I was at the end of the line.

08:18So there's no one else for him to shake hands with.

08:20So he's just standing next to me.

08:20I got to hear him breathe for like a minute.

08:23Just standing next to me, just.

08:26And then his daughter, Ivanka, walked over to us, which, by the way.

08:31So hot.

08:32She walked over, and it was halftime of the Super Bowl.

08:34I was hammered.

08:34I was like, hello.

08:36Your dad just said I was huge.

08:42So now it's me, Trump, and Ivanka.

08:44They're not talking to me, obviously, but I can overhear what they're saying.

08:46And Trump goes, Ivanka, how would you like to meet the president of soccer?

08:52And sure enough, the president of FIFA soccer was also in the suite with us.

08:56He was getting, like, nachos, and Donald Trump just looks at him and goes, ew.

09:01And the guy put his plate down and walked straight to us.

09:04And then Donald Trump didn't even look at him.

09:05He just kept talking to his daughter, and he goes, this is the president of soccer.

09:11And they gave us the World Cup, and they did that because of me.

09:15And then he walked out of the room.

09:19It was just me and the president of FIFA looking at each other like.

09:21That was crazy.

09:25All right, that was a dumb thing to say.

09:28It was crazy.

09:28That was crazy, being in that room.

09:30It's crazy to be in this room with so many legends.

09:32You guys are awesome.

09:33Oscar Robertson, that's awesome.

09:35Sugar Ray Leonard's here, hell yeah.

09:40Sugar Ray, you're the man.

09:41But in 10 years, Jake Paul is going to try to knock you out.

09:44So take it easy.

09:48There's one thing I want to say before I get out of here, and this is a dumb joke.

09:51You guys aren't going to like it.

09:51But it was just a Norm Macdonald joke that I loved when he hosted the ESPYs.

09:55And I'm going to do it now.

09:57Travis Hunter won the Heisman Trophy this year.

10:00He's the first defensive player since Charles Woodson to win the Heisman.

10:03Congratulations, Travis Hunter.

10:05Winning the Heisman, that's something they can never take away from you.

10:08Unless you kill your wife and a waiter.

10:11In which case, they can take that away from you.

10:15Well, I see a lot of you don't like me, and that's okay.

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