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TVTranscript
00:00All right, guys, so we're packing up. Why? Because Greg might actually be force-sensitive.
00:04We're heading to some forest planet for a full-on training arc. No Death Star.
00:08All right, we're officially en route to the training planet.
00:13Greg, just please don't crash the ship this time.
00:16All right, we've landed. Greg didn't crash, which is already a win. This place is wild.
00:21If Greg's got force potential, this is where we'll find out.
00:24All right, Greg, clear your mind. Feel the force. Lift the rock.
00:28Wrong rock.
00:30All right, guys, something's happening. I think Greg's actually doing it.
00:34Bro, bro, you're actually doing it. Okay, yeah, you've got something.
00:37All right, that's enough training for today.
00:40Facts.
00:41Tomorrow, we either unlock the force or Greg launches himself into the air again.
00:47Morning, guys. Today's the day Greg masters his powers. It's actually been a couple weeks.
00:51I just haven't been recording because it's been slow.
00:53All right, Greg, let's see if you can actually lift this thing.
00:55Yo, no way. He's actually doing it.
01:00I'm him.
01:01Vader's bitch ass sent Randy and I to this shithole village on Tatooine.
01:05Said it's good PR. The air smells like battery acid and wet socks.
01:09We're supposed to be on patrol.
01:11We're drinking in Mos Eisley instead.
01:14Randy said we needed to hydrate.
01:16Update. We're drunk.
01:18What?
01:19What?
01:19What?
01:19Randy wants to be there.
01:21He has no money.
01:22No credits.
01:23Somehow Randy got a speeder.
01:25It has no brakes.
01:27No registration.
01:28It runs on Hope and maybe a little diesel.
01:31Randy took the speeder for a spin.
01:33Now it's part of the wall.
01:35He said it handled like a dream.
01:37I think we owe someone a door.
01:39We've been arrested.
01:41Randy said just act natural.
01:43Then started dancing.
01:45Said he was distracting them.
01:47Well, we're in jail.
01:49No one's told us what for.
01:51Could be property damage, theft, or crimes against dignity.
01:54I'm gonna throw up.
01:55Randy fucking paid off the guard with fake casino tokens.
01:58We just walked out.
01:59No paperwork, nothing.
02:01See you guys in the next video.
02:03Vader's fuck ass is making me babysit Randy again.
02:06We've been deployed to Hoth for terrain familiarization.
02:09Randy packed sunscreen.
02:11So Randy brought a sled.
02:13He taped a shovel to the front and said that makes it tactical.
02:16I think he's about to send this cliff.
02:19Somehow Randy's fucking fine.
02:21He landed in a snowbank.
02:23Screamed for like four seconds.
02:24Then started building a fucking snow fort.
02:27Randy brought a fucking can of spray paint.
02:29He's tagging the glacier.
02:31He just wrote Frost Daddy.
02:33I hope the mountain collapses.
02:35Randy tried to start a fucking fire.
02:38Randy said blasters use heat.
02:39And now there's no tent.
02:43Randy said we should fucking share warmth.
02:46I told him to freeze alone.
02:47He's trying to scoot into my personal space bubble like this is a fucking spa.
02:51Command fucking pinged our location.
02:54We've been here for fucking four hours.
02:57We named the snowman Greg.
02:58They finally sent a fucking shuttle to get us.
03:01Randy's pretending this snowman is a local diplomat.
03:04He said we forged an alliance.
03:06Randy and I found this Bigfoot looking motherfucker in the woods.
03:09Apparently he vlogs too so we're gonna do a collab.
03:13Let's get it boys.
03:14Randy fucking challenged Bigfoot to an arm wrestle.
03:17Said gotta assert dominance.
03:19Bigfoot just smiled and leaned in.
03:20Randy's fucked.
03:22Somehow Randy fucking won.
03:25I watched it happen.
03:27Randy's calling himself the alpha trooper now.
03:29They stole some campers fucking vape.
03:32And now we're all running.
03:33Bigfoot grabbed their snacks.
03:35Randy took a puff.
03:36He said it's blueberry blast.
03:38So we tried to film a fucking bushcraft scene.
03:40Randy spent half an hour building that shelter.
03:42Bigfoot walked over, smiled, and body slammed it like it insulted his mom.
03:46So Bigfoot taught Randy how to fish.
03:49Apparently.
03:50With his bare hands.
03:52In a fucking puddle.
03:54Randy's getting fucking chased by bees.
03:57Bigfoot's just standing there filming it.
03:58Didn't warn him.
04:00Apparently Randy tried to steal their honey.
04:02Huge shout out to Bigfoot Vlogs for the collab.
04:06I fucking love this guy.
04:08Alright guys.
04:09Today we're celebrating Father's Day with the big man himself.
04:12Hope he doesn't throw this one into space.
04:14Yeah.
04:15Let's just keep it chill this year.
04:16Happy Father's Day to the best dad in the whole galaxy.
04:19For real.
04:19Vader's basically the reason we're still alive.
04:22You're the best boss.
04:23So Lord Vader.
04:24What do you want to do for Father's Day?
04:25I want to see my children.
04:26Huh?
04:26Like Luke and Leia?
04:27Yeah.
04:28Is there anything else you'd want to do besides that?
04:30Let's prank the other troopers.
04:31Wait.
04:34This is for me?
04:39Let's prank an entire planet.
04:40Wait.
04:40Like prank how?
04:42We blow it up.
04:43Boom.
04:44Claps.
04:44Sir.
04:45That's not a prank.
04:46Let the prank begin.
04:56Lord Vader.
04:57With all due respect.
04:58Don't you think your pranks are getting a little out of hand?
05:01Is that what you think?
05:02So, we told Vader his pranks were going too far.
05:05This was his response.
05:07This isn't a prank.
05:08Anyway, good luck, buddy.
05:10This is how you make the perfect steak, Stormtrooper style.
05:13First, we're going to season our steak.
05:15Go ahead and add salt, pepper, and a little garlic powder.
05:18Be generous.
05:18It's a steak, not a salad.
05:20Next, we're going to get the pan smoking hot.
05:23You want it to be as hot as Mustafar.
05:27Now, we're laying down the steak.
05:29That sound?
05:30That's how you know the pan's ready.
05:32As you can see, the steak is coming along great.
05:35It's been about three to four minutes, so now we're going to flip the steak over.
05:38Now, we're going to add some butter and thyme.
05:43We will use this to baste the steak and make sure you get all that flavor in there.
05:48Now, let it rest for ten minutes.
05:50Don't cut it early or you'll lose the juice.
05:53Even Vader would rest his meat, and that's saying something.
05:56In ten minutes, let's cut into this thing.
05:59Perfectly pink.
06:00Now, add a little salt to finish the job.
06:03Doug here.
06:05Me and Randy found this sketchy-ass rocket in the middle of nowhere,
06:08so naturally, we're launching Randy.
06:19We found Randy.
06:21He's fine.
06:25Somehow.
06:25Doug here.
06:28Randy strapped actual jet engines to a speeder.
06:32Said he wanted to break the sound barrier.
06:33I'm not stopping him.
06:38Holy shit!
06:43Doug here.
06:44Randy hot-wired a fucking trash droid into a hoverboard.
06:47Says he's revolutionizing troop movement.
06:49Pretty sure he just wants to die on his own terms.
06:52Randy's grilling meat on top of a thermal detonator.
06:54Said it cooks evenly.
06:56I think it's time to submit for reassignment.
06:58We're down one crate and all the meatles vaporized.
07:01And he said it just needed a sear.
07:04I need a fucking vacation.
07:06All right, troops.
07:07Me and Greg just went through some weird-ass portal we found behind the supply depot.
07:11No clue where we are, but it looks sketchy as hell.
07:14We've been trekking for hours.
07:15My feet hate me, but...
07:17Hey, we finally found civilization.
07:20Let's see if they're friendly.
07:21Look at that little kid, already working on a pod racer.
07:26They sure stardom young around here.
07:28Hey, bud.
07:29What's your name?
07:30Your name's Anakin?
07:32So yeah, that portal definitely took me back in time.
07:35And I'm pretty sure that kid was going to become some kind of Jedi or something.
07:38So everyone can thank me later.
07:40All right, back at the portal.
07:41And as you can tell, Greg isn't with me anymore.
07:45Yeah, they mistook him for me after I popped that shitter.
07:48All right, I'm back on the ship, but everything looks kind of different.
07:52I've been looking all over, and I can't find Vader anywhere.
07:55Vader's dumbass is sending us to make peace with the Ewoks.
07:59There's no shot we pull this off.
08:01Doug here.
08:03Randy found a fucking flamethrower in the middle of the forest.
08:06He said it was just lying there.
08:07I think we're going to light some shit on fire.
08:09Holy shit!
08:11Randy lit the entire fucking forest on fire!
08:13And we're so fucked if Vader finds out!
08:16We just committed a fucking war crime.
08:18Randy said controlled burn.
08:20He lit a 12-mile radius.
08:22Command's not picking up.
08:24Update.
08:24We got captured.
08:26They hit Randy with a rock and tied us up like fucking snack packs.
08:31Update.
08:32We're on trial.
08:33The judge is two feet tall and holding a fucking spoon.
08:35Randy sneezed during opening statements, and they screamed in unison.
08:39Turns out these guys are actually pretty chill.
08:43Randy just got promoted to Leaf General.
08:46I don't know what that means.
08:47Welp.
08:48We pulled it off.
08:50Never had a doubt.
08:52Forestie's still gone.
08:53We better get a promotion for this.
08:55What's up civilians?
08:56We just got deployed to Endor.
08:57They gave us jetpacks this time.
08:58No biggie.
08:59We're super profesh or whatever.
09:02Well fudge, Jorge.
09:03Oh, shit.
09:04I see one.
09:05I'll friggin' laser you, bro.
09:06Bro, why are you so scared?
09:08I don't know what's out there.
09:09It's like a rabid poodle or some shit.
09:11Jorge, how the hell did you even catch it?
09:14Mating call, bro.
09:15I'm not talking to you the rest of the day.
09:17You mad because you like it.
09:19We ate an Ewok, dude.
09:20A delicious Ewok.
09:22Ate it faster than Luke drank that weird titty milk.
09:25Day 179 of my shift and some asshole stole my boots again.
09:32How the fuck does that keep happening?
09:35They missed the target 34 times.
09:3734.
09:38I think one of them just shot the floor.
09:44Maintenance said it was fully serviced.
09:47This thing hasn't worked since the Clone Wars.
09:50I told command I was checking inventory.
09:52Been asleep for 45 minutes.
09:54Nobody noticed.
09:56Bunch of fucking idiots.
09:58Tried to get Kaff.
09:59Got nothing but a blinking light and crushed dreams.
10:03Empires running on fumes and spite.
10:05Been trapped in this lift for 20 minutes.
10:07No signal, no backup, no fucking hope.
10:10If I die in here, someone better steal my armor.
10:12It's the only part of me that's clean.
10:13Been walking this hallway for almost an hour.
10:16Haven't seen a single rebel.
10:18Haven't seen a single reason to exist.
10:21Been sitting here for an hour.
10:23Nobody knows what the mission is.
10:25Pretty sure command just fucking hates us.
10:27Terry here.
10:30There's some teddy bears throwing fucking spears at us.
10:32Damn it, Greg.
10:33You're going to get us cooked.
10:34They're everywhere.
10:35They're in the trees.
10:36We found these abandoned babies on the trail.
10:38We'll hit the base in no time.
10:41Greg, watch out.
10:42I think we lost them and we found some shelter and some supplies for the night.
10:50I bet a woman drove that.
10:52All right, sun's down and we had a fucking blast.
10:54Greg's new girlfriend, Big Rhonda, ghosted him so he had a bit too much.
10:59Those little bastards took Greg.
11:01I told him to run but he was so hammered he couldn't move.
11:04Now I gotta go save his dumb ass.
11:06I finally found him.
11:07They've got Greg tied up.
11:12They're trying to poke him with spears.
11:14I'm not letting them touch our Greg.
11:15Terry here.
11:17I couldn't show you what I did to those Ewoks.
11:19But let's just say they got to meet God.
11:23Have you guys noticed something off about Vader?
11:25He told me my armor hugs my hips in a dangerous way.
11:28Terry here.
11:29About to check in on Vader.
11:31Terry, don't you knock.
11:32I fucking knew it.
11:34All right, guys.
11:34After five months out here, we're finally packing up.
11:36Greg's fully trained and ready to go.
11:38Did you hear that?
11:39Hear what?
11:40Hmm, never mind.
11:41I must be tripping.
11:41I knew I heard something.
11:48Why is it always us?
11:50Dude, this is your chance.
11:51Use your powers, Greg.
11:53All right.
11:55I got this.
11:57All right, Greg.
11:58Now or never.
11:59Well, that went great.
12:06Yo, where did this guy come from?
12:10There he is.
12:11I got him.
12:11Wait, wait, Greg.
12:12Greg, are you serious?
12:14That's the Jedi who just saved us.
12:15You look kind of evil from this angle.
12:17I've been the one faking your force powers.
12:20I just hated the Greg slander.
12:23Wanted to prove them wrong.
12:24But now I see, Greg, you really are an idiot.
12:28He died telling the truth.
12:31We just landed and Gary already shit himself.
12:34Welcome to fucking Endor, boys.
12:35Yo, these little bear dudes are adorable.
12:41Gary thinks they vape.
12:44He fed one jerky and now it's eating Gary's fucking leg.
12:49Holy shit.
12:50This place is wild, bro.
12:53Bro, why do they have fucking spears?
12:55Gary's throwing snacks now.
12:57These guys aren't fucking cute at all.
13:00The bear's trapped fucking Gary.
13:03Bro, looks like fucking forest meat.
13:08They stole my fucking blaster.
13:11Gary is chasing him in his flip-flops.
13:13We got to get the fuck out of here.
13:16Gary's getting wrecked by a fucking teddy bear.
13:19Bro, just tap out.
13:21We got to get off this moon.
13:22Vader said we need to get off this fucking moon.
13:27Oh my God, they're everywhere.
13:28Gary, run.
13:29We're cooked.
13:32Today, I'm going to teach you how to make fettuccine Alfredo with an imperial twist.
13:37First, bring your water to a boil.
13:39Then, toss in your noodles.
13:42Cook them for about eight to ten minutes until al dente.
13:45Half a cup of butter in a saucepan over medium heat.
13:49Next, stir in one cup of heavy cream and bring it to a gentle simmer.
13:52Grate about one cup of fresh Parmesan cheese.
13:59Add a pinch of salt and some cracked black pepper.
14:02Then, stir until smooth and creamy.
14:04Now, drain your noodles.
14:06Add them to the sauce.
14:11Now, carefully plate your pasta plate.
14:13You want it to look as good as it tastes.
14:15And just like that, your fettuccine Alfredo is ready to eat.
14:19Thanks for watching, troops.
14:21I hope y'all enjoyed the video.
14:22Cheers.
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