Troopers EP. 001 | PolyForge TV - video Dailymotion

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Transcript

00:00Terry here. Vader's bitch ass is sending Greg and me down to Dagobah to jump that little rat Yoda.

00:04Get the fuck on the ground, little green fucker.

00:06Seems like Greg's been practicing.

00:07Greg, can you fucking drive? You drive like a woman!

00:11I thought this was autopilot!

00:13Dude, I don't want to die before Battlefront 3.

00:15Our fucking ship crashed, but hey, at least Jenkins survived.

00:19This place smells worse than Obi-Wan's feet.

00:22Wait, how do you know that?

00:23Greg, did you hear that? This little fucker's close.

00:27Ow! Get it off!

00:29Greg, now is your moment. Show him what you're made of.

00:36We are so cooked, chat.

00:38You are not the big booty Latinas I was promised.

00:41Terry here turns out Yoda's chill as fuck. Hooked us up with the real Jedi gas.

00:46Bro, I can see the Force.

00:47The Force sees you too.

00:49Stormtrooper spins the bottle. Loser hits on Lady Yoda.

00:53I didn't sign up for this, man.

00:55And of course, the lucky one had to be Greg.

00:58Bro, we just got back from Endor.

01:03We still got leaves in our armor.

01:04And now Vader's bitch ass is sending us to Hoth.

01:06Greg, what you think?

01:07Silent shrug?

01:08Yeah, that's what I thought.

01:09Bro, Greg!

01:11Can you fucking drive?

01:13I swear, if we die in this tin can before we even freeze to death on Hoth.

01:17All right.

01:18We just landed.

01:20Greg!

01:21Get your ass up!

01:22I can't feel my everything.

01:23We are so dead.

01:24Okay, it's your turn to stand watch.

01:26I did it last time.

01:27No, I did it last time.

01:28You just stared at the wall and said you were visualizing threats.

01:32Okay, so we're in the middle of an active firefight.

01:33People are screaming.

01:34Stuff's exploding.

01:35And Greg's over there building the damn snowman.

01:38Bro, I've had enough.

01:39I'm getting the fuck out of here.

01:41I don't get paid enough for this shit.

01:43Dude, we are so dead.

01:44I think I disabled the shields instead of the landing gear.

01:45Cool.

01:46Love that for us.

01:47Doug here.

01:48Randy and I just stole Vader's helmet.

01:49He said it was just sitting there so we had to go for it.

01:51Oh, we're about to be in so much shit.

01:52Update.

01:53We got caught.

01:54Okay, so we're in the middle of an active firefight.

01:55Okay, so we're in the middle of an active firefight.

01:56People are screaming.

01:57Stuff's exploding.

01:58And Greg's over there building the damn snowman.

01:59Bro, I've had enough.

02:00I'm getting the fuck out of here.

02:01I don't get paid enough for this shit.

02:02Dude, we are so dead.

02:03I think I disabled the shields instead of the landing gear.

02:05Cool.

02:06Love that for us.

02:07Doug here.

02:08Randy and I just stole Vader's helmet.

02:09We had to go for it.

02:10Oh, we're about to be in so much shit.

02:12Update.

02:13We got caught.

02:14Randy made it 13 fucking steps before getting tased.

02:17He tried to hide Vader's helmet under his armor.

02:19Didn't fit.

02:20Our punishment is worse than death.

02:22They made us janitors.

02:24Level eight.

02:26Randy flooded the entire fucking floor.

02:29We're making an escape.

02:31Legally, we're still cleaning.

02:34We somehow made it to a fucking escape pod.

02:36Randy was driving.

02:37I asked if he's flown before.

02:38He said technically no.

02:40We're so fucked.

02:41I think we're crashing.

02:43Randy pulled the wrong fucking lever and the pod started spinning.

02:46I don't know what system he ejected, but half the controls are gone.

02:49Randy said we should bury the pod.

02:52Said it'll cover our tracks.

02:54This thing's the size of a fucking whale.

02:57Welp, we're starting a new life now.

03:00No command.

03:01No barracks.

03:02Just me, Randy, and a half-melted protein bar.

03:05Randy and I ran into a fucking Yeti all day.

03:07I ran into a fucking Yeti on Hoth.

03:09Apparently he makes vlogs too, so we're gonna do a collab.

03:11Let's fucking get it.

03:13Yeti made us do a fucking cold plunge.

03:15Randy's helmet filled with ice water.

03:17We're two minutes in and I'm pretty sure Randy can't swim.

03:20Yeti said we had to warm up after the ice plunge, so he gave us fucking four locos.

03:25Not sure what's gonna happen, but I'll update you guys soon.

03:29I don't know what the fuck Yeti put in those locos, but I feel like I can smash a fucking boulder.

03:36Andy just tried to punch a glacier.

03:38His hand is definitely broken.

03:40I told him the loco was corrupting him.

03:42He said, for the empire, and swung anyway.

03:44Yeti fucking gave Randy some kind of root to even him out.

03:47Now he's just vibing with a tree.

03:49I'm not even mad.

03:51Just confused.

03:52They tried to cook a squirrel.

03:54Now the tree's on fire.

03:58I feel like I'm babysitting two Randys.

04:00Yeti fucking said we could stay at his place whenever we want.

04:03Said we're family now.

04:05We gotta come back to Hoth soon.

04:07This dude's insane.

04:08Terry here, there's some teddy bears throwing fucking spears at us.

04:11Damn it, Greg.

04:12You're gonna get us cooked.

04:13They're everywhere.

04:14They're in the trees.

04:15We found these abandoned babies on the trail.

04:17We'll hit the base in no time.

04:20Greg, watch out!

04:24I think we lost them, and we found some shelter and some supplies for the night.

04:28I bet a woman drove that.

04:30Alright, sun's down, and we had a fucking blast.

04:34Greg's new girlfriend, Big Rhonda, ghosted him so he had a bit too much.

04:38Those little bastards took Greg.

04:40I told him to run, but he was so hammered he couldn't move.

04:43Now I gotta go save his dumb ass.

04:45I finally found him.

04:48They've got Greg tied up.

04:50They're trying to poke him with spears.

04:52I'm not letting them touch our Greg.

04:54Terry here.

04:56I couldn't show you what I did to those Ewoks.

04:58But let's just say, they got to meet God.

05:01Have you guys noticed something off about Vader?

05:04He told me my armor hugs my hips in a dangerous way.

05:07Terry here, about to check in on Vader.

05:09Terry, don't you knock.

05:11I fucking knew it.

05:12Guys, this ghost is crazy as fuck.

05:16I ain't never seen anything like this.

05:18Roll the clips from the last vid.

05:20Ted, if there's any spirit here, do you want to make yourself known?

05:23Get y'all's fuck asses out of my house.

05:25Especially that dumb ass.

05:26I swear to God, I think the ghost just grabbed my ass.

05:28Alright, if there's a spirit here, what do you want with us?

05:30I want Greg's death.

05:31But anyways, we're going back inside and we're going to put an end to this ghost.

05:36Pray for us.

05:39Bro, what do we do?

05:42Nah, I'm tired of this ghost.

05:43He thinks he's tough?

05:44I'm going to show him tough.

05:45Damn, I guess he was tough.

05:58Okay, so Greg's gone.

06:00I'm alone.

06:01And this ghost was built like a damn linebacker.

06:04Greg, if you can hear me bro, please do something.

06:09This ghost is built different.

06:12Man, fuck this fucking house.

06:16You can't haunt the house if there's no house to haunt.

06:19Problem solved.

06:20Vader's dumb ass is sending us to make peace with the Ewoks.

06:24There's no shot we pull this off.

06:27Doug here.

06:28Randy found a fucking flamethrower in the middle of the forest.

06:31He said it was just lying there.

06:32I think we're going to light some shit on fire.

06:34Holy shit!

06:35Randy lit the entire fucking forest on fire.

06:38And we're so fucked if Vader finds out.

06:41We just committed a fucking war crime.

06:43Randy said controlled burn.

06:45He lit a 12 mile radius.

06:47Command's not picking up.

06:49Update.

06:50We got captured.

06:51They hit Randy with a rock and tied us up like fucking snack packs.

06:57Update.

06:58We're on trial.

06:59The judge is two feet tall and holding a fucking spoon.

07:01Randy sneezed during opening statements and they screamed in unison.

07:05Turns out these guys are actually pretty chill.

07:07Randy just got promoted to leaf general.

07:11I don't know what that means.

07:13Welp.

07:14We pulled it off.

07:15Never had a doubt.

07:17Forest is still gone.

07:19We better get a promotion for this.

07:21Hey yo, Steve here.

07:22We just got our 66th order and we're about to help all these Jedi transform into force ghosts.

07:26If you know what I mean.

07:27For Padme.

07:28Look at us go.

07:29Sue.

07:30Mr. Sky whatever just went in there and was like wait here.

07:32And honestly the vibes are OFF chat say like why are there tiny chairs everywhere.

07:37So I found the boss and he's looking a little medium rare.

07:41Greg.

07:43Bro, that's not.

07:44Okay.

07:45First of all, that's definitely not medical program.

07:46I found this sick gaming headset in the boss's room and honestly the noise cancellation is next level.

07:51Like literally can't hear myself think.

07:53So update chat.

07:54Gave Greg the gaming headset for his birthday and pretty sure he can't see anything because he just saluted a trash compactor.

08:01Command dropped me into a fucking jungle like I'm built for terrain.

08:06Bro, I get winded walking upstairs.

08:09Some motherfucker knocked me out of a tree and stole my rations.

08:12And it was like four feet tall with wings.

08:14Might have been a bird.

08:15Might have been a Wookiee.

08:16I'm not asking.

08:19Every living thing on this planet is either furry, pissed off or both.

08:25Clearing out tree huts with no enemies, no backup and no fucking clue why I'm here.

08:31Empire really sent me to explore furniture.

08:34This bridge wasn't built by engineers.

08:36It was built by hope and anxiety.

08:39One sneeze and I'm gone.

08:41The Wookiees said the bridge was safe.

08:43I took two steps and woke up face first in mud.

08:46I think I sprained my spine.

08:49Been walking for 20 minutes and seen nothing but plants and regret.

08:53If I get ambushed by a fern, I'm not even fighting back.

08:56I made eye contact with one of the locals.

08:58Eight feet tall.

08:59No armor.

09:00Blinked like he knew my blood type.

09:02I'm not built for this.

09:04Oh, Vader just sent us on another fucking mission to Earth.

09:07And this is going to be crazy, dude.

09:09Y'all, this is some crazy shit.

09:11I'm getting out of here.

09:12Yeah, I'm not trying to die today.

09:14Shit, I crashed into a building, dude.

09:16Vader's going to fucking beat my ass.

09:19Yo, this pizza is fire, man.

09:20They got to get this on the Death Star.

09:22And some new friends.

09:23They're kind of pissing me off, dude.

09:25I gave one of them some pizza and hundreds of them pulled up.

09:31Holy shit, is that another stormtrooper?

09:34It turns out we were both pussies and left the battle.

09:38Yeah, man, that shit was getting too dangerous for my likings.

09:41This guy kind of looks like us.

09:42I wonder if he's a coward, too.

09:44Bro, I never got your name.

09:46It's Joe.

09:48Joe Mama.

09:50Nah, get the fuck out.

09:51Turns out his name is actually Joe.

09:52I feel bad for shooting him.

09:53I think he'll be alright, though.

09:54He's knocked out in the back of the ship.

09:56I'm taking him to the Death Star to get medical support.

09:58Joe, if you see this, I'm sorry, dude.

10:02Maybe we can hang out sometime.

10:04And you seem chill.

10:05All this because Steve started scrolling memes mid-mission.

10:08Bro, that post said the Empire needs more visionaries.

10:10She's not a senator.

10:11She delivers printer paper.

10:12Okay, so, small update.

10:14We might have accidentally kidnapped a senator.

10:16We thought she was a rebel spy.

10:22Update.

10:24She's awake and mad as hell.

10:28Steve's flying again.

10:30Pray.

10:31What's the worst that could?

10:32Bro, you turned off gravity.

10:33I thought it was the music.

10:35Ellie me out.

10:36Okay, official update.

10:37We're gonna fucking die.

10:40I hit landing mode.

10:42This ain't landing, bro.

10:43This is crashing.

10:44We lived, so now we're delivery guys.

10:46Why am I carrying her?

10:47Because last time you flew, we got reborn through a glacier.

10:49I saw soft snow.

10:51It was a rock, Steve.

10:52So, yeah.

10:53The shuttle's dead.

10:54We're dragging a senator through a snowstorm in plastic pajamas.

10:57Bro, I think she weighs like 400 credits.

11:00All this because Steve started scrolling memes mid-mission.

11:02Bro, that post said the Empire needs more visionaries.

11:04She's not a senator.

11:05She delivers printer paper.

11:06I literally told you that.

11:07Twice.

11:08Alright.

11:09We didn't die this time.

11:10That's a win.

11:11Thanks for watching.

11:12Drop your wildest mission ideas in the comments.

11:14We'll ask Lord Vader if we're allowed.

11:16We found this hot spring.

11:17My pores are clear.

11:18Geordial's out back trying to milk a bantha.

11:20I don't ask questions anymore.

11:22It bit me.

11:23The Death Star may be gone and the Empire might be toast.

11:27But the grind?

11:29The grind never stops.

11:31This is my anti-darkside aging routine.

11:34Step one, moisturize.

11:36Step two, overthrow fascism.

11:39Day three of the juice cleanse.

11:42I haven't pooped since Endor.

11:45Geordi, are you trying to give yourself an enema?

11:48Geordi and I ate these mushrooms they gave us.

11:50They say it's to cleanse our spirits.

11:52Now I can smell my hair growing.

11:54Chat, are we cooked?

11:56Shit, I really fucked up.

11:57Their house is burning down.

11:58Oh God.

11:59Hey, it's Sand Trooper Vlogs.

12:00Sam here.

12:01Got my buddy Zack here.

12:02We just got an important mission originating from Lord Vader himself.

12:06The mission?

12:07Find a pair of rebel droids.

12:10Uh, apparently they're carrying special plans.

12:12Must be important if Vader's on it.

12:15It's 165 degrees today.

12:17Since there's already city patrols, we're headed to the desert outskirts to look for clues.

12:21Let's go.

12:24It's so damn hot, why didn't we bring water?

12:26We're hungover as fuck.

12:28Look.

12:29A place we can stop by.

12:31We found a nice couple of moisture farmers who gave us water and food to eat.

12:35Excuse me guys, but I have to use the restroom.

12:41Dude, we gotta get the fuck out of here and I just fucked up and knocked over one of their candles.

12:45Oh shit, really.

12:48Oh shit, I really fucked up.

12:49Their house is burning down.

12:50Oh God.

12:52They're definitely dead or burning right now.

12:55Holy shit, oh God.

12:57I can't believe we just burned their house down.

12:59Let's just say, those were not the droids we were looking for.

13:02God, we really fucked up.

13:04We!

13:05This was all you.

13:06I told that we're fucking lost now with no goddamn food or water.

13:11Zack's okay.

13:12And we finally made it back to Mos Eisley after three hours.

13:15And we just got word from a spy that there's rebels in the cantina.

13:18Today, I'm going to teach you how to make fettuccine Alfredo with an imperial twist.

13:24First, bring your water to a boil.

13:26Then, toss in your noodles.

13:28Cook them for about eight to ten minutes until al dente.

13:32Half a cup of butter in a saucepan over medium heat.

13:36Next, stir in one cup of heavy cream and bring it to a gentle simmer.

13:39Grate about one cup of fresh Parmesan cheese.

13:46Add a pinch of salt and some cracked black pepper.

13:49Then, stir until smooth and creamy.

13:51Now, drain your noodles.

13:53Add them to the sauce.

13:58Now, carefully plate your pasta plate.

14:00You want it to look as good as it tastes.

14:02And just like that, your fettuccine Alfredo is ready to eat.

14:06Thanks for watching, troops. I hope y'all enjoyed the video. Cheers.

14:10Welcome back, guys. Today, we just landed in Tokyo, Japan.

14:16I'm just here for the food.

14:18I got money on my homie. He's gonna win.

14:21We're not getting that deposit back.

14:24Yeah, he might actually die this time.

14:27All right, chat. So, there's this forest called Sea of Trees,

14:30located near some mountain called Mount Fuji,

14:33and locals say it's haunted by evil spirits.

14:35Stay tuned to see if we can catch anything on camera.

14:43I was looking back at that last clip,

14:45and I could literally see something behind us.

14:48I'm getting kind of paranoid.

14:49Probably just my imagination is all.

14:55I probably shouldn't have watched all the grudge movies before coming out here.

14:59But that's a good idea.

15:01Yeah.

15:17So, I'm getting out of here.

Troopers EP. 001 | PolyForge TV

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