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CinemaJourney
  • 6/20/2025
#CinemaJourney

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Melissa knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
00:18And it's exactly what Henry needs to bring home the bacon.
00:23She also knows that the key to a happy marriage is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and make a damn good cup of joe.
00:43And when the time comes to send him off for the day, give him something to remember.
00:50And once he's gone, she must clean, clean, and clean.
00:57After all, a pristine home is the...
01:00No!
01:07No!
01:09Oh, fuck.
01:39What the hell?
01:40We need to get out of this.
01:41Get out of what?
01:43Oh!
01:44That.
01:53It was a sign from up above or down below or whatever, but we have fucked up.
02:00What?
02:01I'm just resting my eyes.
02:03Rest them here, hey?
02:05Because I'm not wearing that for the next nine months.
02:08Any ideas?
02:09Melissa, it's 6am.
02:10Men used to go to war, Henry.
02:13Look, even if step aunt Kitty doesn't have another aneurysm...
02:16Picture this.
02:17We're strolling down Ponsonbury Road on a Thursday afternoon.
02:20It's 3.30, school's getting up.
02:22There's a snotty little private school kid on a Lyme scooter.
02:24He's a future sex trafficker or a Prime Minister.
02:26Either way, it doesn't matter.
02:27He has no respect for footpath etiquette, pregnant women or the general public.
02:31He scoots his Lyme scooter illegally across the road at a non-crossing,
02:36where he then gets pancaked by a truck.
02:38Or he would if I didn't heroically jump into oncoming traffic,
02:42tackle him off his stupid scooter, saving his life, also changing it forever.
02:45No more sex trafficker, no more Prime Minister.
02:47No, he's going to dedicate his life to the public good and eradicate world hunger by 2060.
02:51I'm sorry, what does this have to do with anything?
02:53Well, in the course of saving this little shithead's life, I have a miscarriage.
02:57Swapping the life of my unborn baby for another.
03:01I should name a building after me.
03:03Look, logistics aside.
03:05No, we are not staging a horrific miscarriage.
03:09Why are you squeamish?
03:10No, it's bad karma for like reincarnation.
03:13Only if you don't.
03:15Look, do you want to be with me?
03:21Are you fishing for compliments?
03:28Uh, yeah?
03:30Okay, are you happy with me?
03:32What, are we like gonna sing a duet?
03:34Because I'm happy with you.
03:39Okay.
03:40You're not the worst.
03:45Wow.
03:46Thanks.
03:51Look.
03:53What if we made it real?
03:56Are you serious?
03:57Why not?
03:58For like a million reasons.
04:00The jazz?
04:01I'm not ready.
04:02Whoever is.
04:03People who do IVF.
04:05People who adopt.
04:06Octomum.
04:07The reality show.
04:08I'd be a terrible mother.
04:09I'm impatient.
04:11I'm angry.
04:12Like all the time.
04:13I'm selfish.
04:14I'm-
04:15You're kind.
04:16Not nice necessarily, but you're patient when it matters.
04:19You're smart.
04:20You're tough.
04:21You're the most unapologetic person I've ever met.
04:24I can't think of anyone else who'll make a cooler mum.
04:28And I'm not the worst.
04:30Apparently.
04:33Debatable.
04:35Think about it.
04:37That's all I'm asking.
04:38Henry, are you okay?
04:51Yeah.
04:52Why?
04:53You're eating a salad.
04:54So?
04:55It's a pretty worrying behaviour.
04:56Yeah, I've never seen you voluntarily eat anything that grows from a tree.
04:59You're thinking of fruit.
05:00Vegetables grow on vines in the ground.
05:02Oh, so then why did you add banana, orange and pomegranate to a salmon and arugula salad?
05:06It makes no culinary sense.
05:07Hmm, that's even weird for me, bro.
05:09Look, I'm just trying to stay regular, okay?
05:11Yeah.
05:12And vitamin C increases sperm count.
05:15Sorry, what?
05:16So he wants a real baby.
05:18He wants me to think about it.
05:20But like, you know, in the hypothetical, abstract, Schrodinger's Future kind of way.
05:23Where anything can happen.
05:25Okay, well in a hypothetical, abstract, whatever kind of way, you would have had to have conceived
05:30a baby like, I don't know, like two months ago?
05:33Well, I'll just say it's two months late.
05:35No big deal.
05:36No, it's a big deal.
05:37Two months would be like a medical anomaly.
05:39Plus, that's even assuming that you can conceive right away.
05:42Ally, I think I'll be fine.
05:44That's not what I meant.
05:46Wait, what?
05:47What are you trying to say?
05:48It's not just about sperm count.
05:50It's about sperm quality.
05:51Trust me, bro.
05:52I am a mega donor at the local sperm bank.
05:55It doesn't matter how many you've got if they can't get the job done.
05:57Well, why do you think I'm eating this salad?
05:59It doesn't work that fast.
06:01Unfortunately, declining sperm health in men over 35 is an issue that isn't talked about
06:05enough in our culture.
06:06Yes.
06:07So if your buddies aren't match fit, this won't just be a medical anomaly.
06:10It'll be a medical abomination.
06:11You really think your parents can handle that?
06:13Relax, okay?
06:14The thing that Chinese parents care about when it comes to babies is that,
06:17one eventually comes out.
06:20Anyway, I can't get into this zygote counting thing with you today.
06:23Today is the 15th.
06:24You literally need to decide to take.
06:26Because I'm settling the house.
06:30You don't think it's kind of fishy that he's springing this on you now?
06:34Fishy?
06:35How?
06:36Come on, Henry.
06:37The private school stuff, the robot tamagotchi thing.
06:39It's pretty weird.
06:40Fucking weird.
06:41It's called an e-baby.
06:42We're just saying that you have a history of rushing into the fire to get out of the frying pan
06:46to pass your friend.
06:47Oh God, this is disgusting.
06:48Are you sure you're not using all this mess to get Melissa to do what you want?
06:52Because he wants a real baby.
06:53Because you want to have a real baby.
06:54See?
06:55This is why you shouldn't eat salad, bro.
06:59That is so manipulative.
07:00Henry would never do that.
07:01Now if you excuse me, my girlfriend is about to become a homeowner.
07:02I'm about to become a homeowner.
07:03It's dirtier than I remember.
07:04They just taped the keys on the side.
07:06It's not a car, Henry.
07:07No one's going to drive off with it.
07:08I don't think anyone would want to.
07:09Wow.
07:10Bougie.
07:11Dear Melissa, wishing you all the best.
07:12a homeowner. It's dirtier than I remember. They just taped the keys on the side. It's
07:21not a car, Henry. No one's going to drive off with it. I don't think anyone would want
07:26to. Wow. Bougie. Dear Melissa, wishing you all the best.
07:41On your new home. Nice. Oh, it'll need a new fridge. And we should probably rip up the
07:51carpet. Maybe call pest control. You really like it, huh? Yeah. I'll let you two have a
08:05moment here. Congratulations. Housewarming. Let's go. Yeah. I'm proud of you. Thank you. And you. I mean, this is the closest any of us will come to
08:35landlord now. I had a little help from my soon-to-be property manager. Is that so? Dave. Dave, I'm going to cut you.
08:45Oh shit.
08:53What are you doing here? Mommy did? Mrs. and Mrs. Lee?
08:54What are you doing here, Mom and Dad, Mr. and Mrs. Lee?
09:10We can't forget this great day!
09:14Congratulations!
09:16This looks like a halfway house.
09:21There is mold in the bathroom. I had to hold my breath.
09:36Okay, I'm sure it wasn't a toxic variant.
09:39Bro, mold keeps the spiders away. I say leave it in there. Am I right?
09:43I think that you're not really living here. There's nothing good to celebrate.
09:48I'd like to celebrate the next day with you.
09:51I can feel it.
09:53The baby's head will be very big. Like you.
09:56I have to pay.
09:58Excuse us, fertilization business.
10:01Oh!
10:02Oh!
10:03What?
10:04What?
10:05Why did you invite my parents?
10:06I did not invite your parents.
10:08You mean to tell me that my mother, who hasn't remembered my birthday since I came out of her, had my settlement day marked in her calendar?
10:14Melissa, everyone gets born, okay? Buying a house in this economy is an actual achievement.
10:19Did you do all this baby crap too?
10:24What? No!
10:26So you didn't do all of this to convince me to have a real baby with you to get everyone off our back?
10:31Okay, one, that is the act of a psychopath, and two, I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life.
10:36True.
10:37Mostly with you, but that would be the act of-
10:42How long have you been sitting there?
10:44You smug little-
10:45Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:47I got this, I got this, I got this.
10:52Hey, little guy.
10:53Sorry, she's just a little stressed at the moment.
10:56Um, look, how about you and me?
10:59Man to man, cards on the table.
11:02Please don't tell your mum we're thinking of having a real baby.
11:07Uh, I've got a corner cafe loyalty card.
11:14Eight cups filled.
11:15And twenty dollars?
11:22Thirty?
11:26You know, in this economy it's pretty tough.
11:28Um...
11:32What is that you're drinking over there, huh?
11:34Some kind of chia seeds, spirulina, detox, whatever?
11:39What if I could get you off your mum's Venice Beach diet for a day, huh?
11:44I'm thinking...
11:45Tim Tams?
11:47Doritos?
11:49MSG?
11:51What do you say?
11:52Tomorrow afternoon I take you out for a McFlurry and a Happy Mill?
11:56Do we have ourselves a deal?
11:59I guess you won't be needing...
12:00Uh...
12:01Tomorrow we're on Talibab.
12:06Help.
12:07Help.
12:09Manny?
12:10Jesus!
12:11I'm taking a shit!
12:13Mindy, I was about to take...
12:14Are you and Henry going to have a real baby?
12:15No.
12:16I heard you from the kitchen because your walls are so cheap.
12:17Tell Henry thanks for the 30 bucks, by the way.
12:18I hope it's on some high life savings.
12:19Fuck.
12:20Henry, come back, come back, come back, come back.
12:21I'm taking a shit.
12:22I'll enjoy living one of the two-day things.
12:23I'll enjoy living one of the risks!
12:24Leave me alone.
12:25I'm taking a shit.
12:26You're going to take a shit.
12:27I'm taking a shit.
12:28I'm taking a shit.
12:29What?
12:30Who's going to take me?
12:31I'm taking a shit.
12:32I'm taking a shit.
12:33I'm taking a shit!
12:34I'm taking a shit!
12:36Manny!
12:37I'm taking a shit!
12:38Mandy!
12:39I was about to take...
12:40Are you and Henry going to have a real baby?
12:41No.
12:42I heard you from the kitchen.
12:43Because your walls are so cheap.
12:44Tell Henry thanks for the 30 bucks, by the way.
12:46The white baby's skin has no化学成分, no add-on.
12:50This man is a big man.
12:51It's a man-man-man.
12:53That's disgusting.
12:55Hey.
12:55It's cool, bro.
12:56If you don't have the real master strength to provide for your offspring,
12:59just say so.
13:01These babies 90 kg of force per square inch.
13:05I'm like a chimpanzee.
13:09I'm meth.
13:09If you had a black force of 90 kg, you'd be a Neanderthal.
13:12Are you calling me a liar, bro?
13:14You're having a baby.
13:16Oh, my God!
13:17This is so, so, so exciting.
13:19I'm so glad you finally decided to get your life together.
13:21Between us, who's the homeowner and whose husband blew their entire bank account on VR?
13:26Oh, you mean the shitbox you bought with the inheritance money you swindled from our dying aunt
13:31by proclaiming that you're going to get your life together.
13:34You're having a baby.
13:36You're having a baby.
13:38Oh, my God!
13:39This is so, so, so exciting.
13:41I'm so glad you finally decided to get your life together.
13:43to get your aunt by pretending to be pregnant.
13:46She's not dying.
13:47Who are you going to be?
13:49Oh.
13:50Die-o!
13:51Die-o!
13:52Die-o!
13:53Die-o!
13:54Die-o!
13:55Die-o!
13:56Die-o!
13:57Die-o!
13:58Die-o!
13:59Die-o!
14:00Oh, this is a private space.
14:01I'll just pass you by.
14:02Well, pass on.
14:03And I wanted to mention that it's probably fiscally responsible for you to have a kid now while you're
14:07young and horny and...
14:09Die-o!
14:10Die-o!
14:11Die-o!
14:12Die-o!
14:13And love.
14:14You should do it for love.
14:15Whoa!
14:16That is a terrible reason to have a baby.
14:18Die-o!
14:19Die-o!
14:20Die-o!
14:21Die-o!
14:22Die-o!
14:23Die-o!
14:24Die-o!
14:25Die-o!
14:26Die-o!
14:27Die-o!
14:28Die-o!
14:29You wouldn't send a soldier to war without the proper training.
14:31And the fact of the matter is, you are not ready, he is not ready.
14:34Together, thou are not ready.
14:36Oh, hey, what are we arguing about in here?
14:37We're just talking about how Melissa and Henry are ready to have a real baby.
14:40Oh, yeah, absolutely not.
14:41Exactly.
14:42Wow, I wasn't aware that my vagina was a public housing project that you all needed to sign
14:46off on.
14:47Look, look, your body, your choice.
14:49Wow, that's nice to know, from my one-time Uber driver.
14:53I think it should be a mutual design.
14:55Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
14:56Well, I would be a mutual decision, but it would just take like five minutes so that
14:59I could hear myself think.
15:01So he is pressuring her.
15:03Is that what he's doing?
15:04He's pressuring you?
15:05I mean, pressure is a strong word.
15:07Diamonds are made under pressure.
15:08Oh, shut up.
15:09Shut up.
15:10What you're doing is not actually helpful.
15:11No, look, Henry may be naive and indecisive and occasionally stupid and short-sighted,
15:17both literally and figuratively, but he's a good guy.
15:20I never said that he was.
15:21None of you know what you're talking about.
15:22Oh, my God.
15:23Do you love him?
15:24Help me out.
15:25Do you think that he'd be there for you?
15:26Okay, that's how I should get it.
15:27Yes, that's kind of...
15:28Have you ever been in a room where he's not?
15:30There comes a point in your life when you realise that everyone you know is just pretending
15:35to be adult, pretending to be strong.
15:37And we're all swimming against the tide looking for a shore, looking for a harbour.
15:42What else is there?
15:46What else is there?
15:47I want to read that!
15:48No, no, no, no.
15:49I want to read that!
15:50Relax!
15:51Relax!
15:52Hey, did you see what I've just done?
15:53Let's have a baby.
15:55Really?
15:56Yeah.
16:05Yes.
16:06Yes.
16:07Yes.
16:08Yes.
16:09Yes.
16:11I want to read that!
16:12No, no, no.
16:13Relax!
16:14Relax!
16:15Relax.
16:16Hey, did you see what I've just done?
16:18You were pretty young when you hit me, weren't you?
16:46When I was your age, you were already eight years old.
16:50Oh, I was not.
16:53You know how to beat me at school?
16:56You sat in the kids right here.
16:59Well, they probably deserved it.
17:02Were you surprised when you found out that you were...
17:05Oh, yes.
17:05I thought I was going to get you back then.
17:07You were going to kill me?
17:08Where are your feminisms from?
17:10It's not my body, my temple.
17:12Firstly, it's my body, my choice.
17:14And secondly, you've never told me that.
17:19Yes, I was very young.
17:21New job, new office, new safety.
17:24Every day I work for a few hours.
17:26At night, I still have to go to karaoke.
17:29And your father?
17:31How do you say it in English?
17:34F**k boy.
17:35I've got a lot of friends around here.
17:37I know, of course, I'm really excited.
17:39I'm going to throw a bag in the bag, he's holding it.
17:41Rude.
17:42I'll go to my doctor and say,
17:45get this demand out of me.
17:46Why didn't you?
17:49You said my mother would say how to say it?
17:51She said, I told you so.
17:53But I think I know your father's character.
17:56Some men are f**k boy for life.
17:58And your father is f**k boy, f**k boy, f**k boy.
18:01Look, there's a baby.
18:03No more f**k boy.
18:05And guess what? I was right.
18:07I'm a messier.
18:14Um...
18:17We're out of ice.
18:20Let the candles up and turn the light out.
18:25Yeah!
18:26Yeah!
18:27Oh, my God!
18:28Oh, my God!
18:29Oh, my God!
18:30Oh, my God!
18:31Oh, my God!
18:32Oh, my God!
18:33Oh, my God!
18:34Oh, my God!
18:35Oh, my God!
18:36Oh, my God!
18:37$7.50.
18:41Can I use the bathroom?
18:59Psst!
19:00Over here, dipshit.
19:06Is there somebody that you forgot to ask?
19:10Jesus.
19:11No, idiot.
19:12Me!
19:13Moi!
19:14Us.
19:15You talk a big game, yeah?
19:16I'm Melissa.
19:17And I'm a big, bad bitch.
19:18But the moment somebody applies the teeniest, tiniest bit of pressure, you fold.
19:32I mean, what happens to Patagonia?
19:33What happens to riding wild Mustangs on the Argentinian steps?
19:35I mean, I'm surprised that you can ride a horse.
19:36I would have thought that you needed a spine for that.
19:37That's not fair.
19:38It's not fair.
19:39It's not fair.
19:40It's not fair.
19:41It's not fair.
19:42It's not fair.
19:43I would have thought that you needed a spine for that.
19:46That's not fair.
19:48That's not fair.
19:50It's not fair.
19:53I'm Melissa, and I'm going to have a baby
19:56because it's too hard to say no,
19:58and I would rather put my life on hold
20:01because if I do what I actually want,
20:04then I might hurt Henry's feelings.
20:07Shut the fuck up!
20:09Make me weak, snivelling.
20:12No, number two.
20:20I need a pregnancy test.
20:23Now!
20:26Ten dollars.
20:31Ah, congratulations.
20:34You did it.
20:35You sly dog you.
20:36What?
20:38Well, you successfully manipulated Melissa
20:40into having your baby.
20:41Honestly?
20:42I didn't think you had it in you.
20:43Ellie, I did not manipulate Melissa, okay?
20:46I just asked her to consider it, that's all.
20:49Well, did you ever think maybe
20:51even just you asking
20:53was enough to tip the scales?
20:56What are you saying?
20:57Well, I just failed it.
20:58If you could see the world looking through my eyes,
21:12If you could see the world looking through my eyes,
21:26then you'd see everything and anything you like.
21:30Forget about the ones that say you don't belong.
21:35You'd know if they were wrong.
21:36You'd know it then you're wrong
21:37If you see the world looking through my eyes.
21:40Oh…
21:41I'm looking through my eyes
21:43Oh, oh, oh, oh
21:48Ah, ah, ah, ah