Flaw In The Motor Dust In The Blood by Trever Preston

Oldtuberadio

Exploration of life with bipolar disorder by Trevor Preston. When Thomas dreams, he's in the world of the crime thriller; his daily life is rather less glamorous.  Thomas ...... Rory Kinnear Dr Klein ...... Susan Engel Amy ...... Fenella Woolgar Lizzie ...... Janice Acquah Peter ...... Paul Rider Dr Beard ...... Jonathan Tafler Nita ...... Manjeet Mann Ratched ...... Inam Mirza  Directed by Toby Swift  Do you enjoy the variety on Oldtuberadio? Like, Share and Subscribe to be notified of our new shows #radio #crime #thriller #drama To Support this channel please visit https://www.buymeacoffee.com/oldtuberadio https://ko-fi.com/oldtuberadio98 https://www.patreon.com/oldtuberadio https://locals.com/Oldtuberadio

Transcript

00:00The End

00:30The End

01:00Carved crucifix inside

01:01I lifted it out and looked at it

01:04Then I looked at her

01:06What's this?

01:08She had her compact out and was powdering her pale face

01:11What?

01:12I showed her the bottled Christ

01:14It's carved from soap

01:15The ratchet made it when he was on segregation in prison

01:18You want it?

01:20If you want it, steal it

01:23I took her drink across

01:25She clipped her compact shut

01:28That's twenty

01:30Twenty?

01:32For the drink

01:32She dropped the compact in her bag

01:34And with a corrupt smile

01:37Raised her glass to me

01:38Are you looking for ratchet?

01:41Yes

01:41What did he say?

01:42Go to a bar

01:43Talk to a woman in a red dress

01:45I'll take you to him

01:47The old Mercedes growled through the sleeping city

01:55She sat beside me

01:57Her mouth a scarlet gash

01:59Slow down

02:01Stop under that street light

02:03Where is he?

02:10The darkened doorway

02:11Show him the money

02:13Throw it out

02:14I took a bundle of notes from a pocket

02:17And threw them on the pavement

02:19Ratchet stepped from a shop doorway

02:22A black dog walked obediently to heel

02:25She whispered

02:27Be careful

02:27The dog walked ahead of him

02:29Picked up the money in its jaws

02:31Dogs?

02:34I hate dogs

02:35We set off again

02:38The dog sat in the back seat

02:40Its head out of an open window

02:42Ratchet sat beside him

02:44I checked him in the rear view mirror

02:47He had a stave of music tattooed on his neck

02:50He turned to the woman

02:52He's not going to wear his tongue out talking

02:55He said business

02:56Does he know my business?

02:58Ask him

02:59He looked at me in the mirror

03:00He had fish scale eyes

03:02So?

03:03What do you want?

03:06I want you to kill someone

03:07Who?

03:10Me

03:10Tom

03:16Thomas

03:18Turn it down

03:20Lovely, isn't it?

03:21Turn it down

03:22Wonderful voice

03:24Please, Tom

03:25Luenitar

03:26Sibelius

03:27Turn it down

03:28Turn it down

03:29It's not loud

03:32That's loud

03:34Thomas

03:35I bought you those French cafe songs you said you liked

03:40How many CDs did you buy?

03:43CDs

03:43How many?

03:45Two or three

03:46There must be at least twenty

03:48Do you want me to put on the cafe songs?

03:49What else have you bought?

03:51Nothing

03:51Nothing?

03:52No, not a thing

03:53There's a new computer downstairs

03:54That's for you

03:56I don't need a new computer

03:58Yes, you do

03:58You know you do

03:59You're going high again

04:00I'll put the songs on

04:01Are you listening to me?

04:02I had a dream last night

04:03Listen to me

04:04No, there was this woman in a red dress

04:06We were in a car

04:06Calm down

04:07Not my car

04:08An old beaten up Mercedes

04:09Radio ripped out

04:10Wires hanging down

04:11She went to open the glove box

04:13I tried to stop her

04:15Dozens of unopened letters

04:16Spilled out onto the floor

04:17I'm going to ring your doctor

04:18Don't you dare

04:19You told me to

04:19Whenever you were

04:20Don't you dare do that

04:21You're not well, Thomas

04:23If you had a red dress

04:25We could act it out

04:26Not in the car

04:27In the bar

04:28Where I met her

04:28She was blonde

04:30You could wear a wig

04:31Hello

04:39How is he?

04:41Peter

04:41Thought you were away

04:43I came back early

04:44Just in case

04:45You must have a sixth sense

04:46I've known him since

04:47Forever

04:48He hasn't slept for three days

04:50Fizzing again?

04:52Pacing

04:52Talking to himself

04:53Playing music all night

04:55Recording what he calls

04:56His mood diary

04:57Tapes all over the place

04:59He played me part of

05:00One over the phone

05:00Bizarre

05:02Shall I come round?

05:05He gets so confused

05:06Maybe later

05:07Tomorrow?

05:08Tell him I'm coming

05:09He might calm down

05:11Thank you

05:12What are best friends for?

05:14Bye

05:15Sitting in the waiting room

05:18Waiting

05:19She came in

05:21And sat opposite

05:22A remote

05:23Absorbed look

05:24Senses blunted by medication

05:26Blinked continuously

05:27I noticed she was wearing

05:29Scarlet patent leather shoes

05:31She took cigarettes

05:33And a box of matches

05:34From her pocket

05:35And with shaking hands

05:37Lit one

05:38And the shaking

05:39Spread from her hands

05:41Through her body

05:42Like a virus

05:42And then the boy came in

05:44Starting up a pair of trousers

05:45Too big for him

05:46No belt

05:47Flies open

05:48Glimpse of penis

05:49He was wearing a

05:51Pink wide-brimmed

05:52Woman's hat

05:53He looked at me with a

05:55Like me smile

05:56I smiled back

05:58And then he turned to the girl

06:00Posed in his

06:01Ascot headwear

06:02She totally ignored him

06:04He left

06:06Clutching his trousers

06:07Gonna write it down

06:09What are you writing

06:11At the moment

06:12Trying to write

06:14Another book

06:15It's about

06:16Two realities

06:17One superimposed

06:18On the other

06:19A hidden society

06:20Not a distortion

06:22But a heightening

06:23Of our own

06:24A sort of

06:25Miniature mirror image

06:26Where everything

06:27Is concentrated

06:28More intense

06:29More bizarre

06:30No less real

06:31Becomes

06:32Frightening

06:33Because

06:34It's so similar

06:35To our own world

06:35Explores

06:37The lies

06:38We make into mess

06:39The price we pay

06:40For self-deception

06:41The space it occupies

06:44Is abstract

06:44Well it has the same

06:47Roads

06:48Same houses

06:48But it's not actually

06:49You have to pass through

06:51No

06:52Not abstract

06:52There's an old man

06:54Dressed in black

06:55Walks with a cane

06:57And when the tip of his cane

06:58Touches the ground

06:59It leaves flecks of blood

07:01Why have you stopped

07:04Taking the medication?

07:09Are you managing to work?

07:10I have to pick the time

07:14When I'm coming out of a depression

07:15I can't work when I'm

07:17I don't

07:18I don't go high

07:19Like happy high

07:20I get agitated

07:21Confused

07:22Nervous

07:22The ideas come so fast

07:25So many different

07:25There comes a point

07:27When I just

07:27I can't work

07:29I just

07:30I just can't get the ideas down

07:32And what I do right

07:34Is rubbish

07:35I have to pick that

07:37In between

07:38The end of a depression

07:39Before I go high again

07:41And

07:42A few weeks

07:44If I'm lucky

07:44The medication

07:46It just

07:46I can't

07:48I can't get in touch

07:49With my emotions

07:49All long term treatment

07:51Is a

07:52Trade off

07:53Between the benefits gained

07:54And possible costs

07:55Side effects

07:56You have to learn to live

07:57Within a narrower range

07:59Of emotions

07:59No no no

08:00I can't

08:00I can't live

08:01That way

08:02I can't

08:02I can't work

08:03I can't

08:04If I could

08:07I would

08:07Oh I'm terrified

08:09Of going

08:09Too far up or down

08:11Of losing myself

08:13I've

08:14I've got to

08:15Find out

08:15Where I can go

08:16Without medication

08:18I must keep trying

08:19I think you've got to

08:20Keep trying

08:21He's with his psychiatrist

08:24Thank you

08:25Ravens on a battlefield

08:28What?

08:30That's what he calls them

08:31Psychiatrists

08:32You know Tom

08:33Poetic abuse

08:35I can't get through to him

08:37He's locked inside himself

08:40That's a scary place to be

08:42He didn't come home last night

08:44I was worried sick

08:46When I asked him about it

08:49He said he'd been in a hotel

08:50Are you sure he wasn't fantasizing?

08:53I saw the bill

08:54Nearly 500 pounds

08:55You've got to give it to him

08:57He's got style

08:58I don't know who he was with

09:01He gets

09:03Promiscuous

09:05I didn't

09:06No?

09:09No

09:09It's part of the illness

09:11He shrivels with guilt afterwards

09:13Disgusted

09:15Please burn me

09:20Peter

09:22What is it, Lizzie?

09:24Did I wake you up?

09:26What's happened?

09:27I'm sorry

09:28Tom has been sectioned again

09:30Why?

09:32He tried to steal a lorry

09:34He told the police he was going to the supermarket

09:37To fill it with food

09:38And then drive to Africa

09:39He wouldn't go with them until he recited the poem

09:42We took him straight to St Mary's

09:44Still up on his cross

09:46Will they let us see him?

09:49Not for a couple of days

09:51He's not coherent at the moment

09:53He rang me 11 times yesterday

09:58Playing those tapes

10:00He wants me to buy a red dress and a blonde wig

10:04What for?

10:06To act out a recurring dream he has

10:08About this woman he meets in a bowl

10:10Oh, we shouldn't laugh

10:13Can't help it with Tom

10:14Another chapter for his book

10:16I'll let you know when we can visit

10:19I thought you weren't coming

10:26The call wouldn't start

10:27There were two chairs

10:28Two chairs

10:29Where's the other chair?

10:30I went to the ward

10:31Two chairs

10:33Don't shout

10:33Not shouting

10:34Nice, isn't it, your own room?

10:38You have the chair

10:38I'll sit on the bed

10:39I'll find that other chair

10:40No, don't

10:40Please, Tom

10:41Come and sit down

10:43I'm quite comfortable

10:45Why have they put you in here?

10:53So they can lock me in

10:54At night

10:55Said I was disturbing the ward

10:57Were you pacing?

11:02You must be exhausted

11:03Have you been able to sleep?

11:06Waste half your life sleeping

11:07Is he Raymond?

11:10Raymond

11:10From Walter

11:11I don't think I know Raymond

11:12He speaks with an open Bible

11:13Over his face

11:14He's Thomas

11:14He doesn't move in the morning

11:15Tom

11:16In the morning, still there

11:16It's the Bible

11:17Exactly like it was

11:18Stop pacing, please

11:19Stop moving, I'll die

11:21Come and sit down

11:22How's Michael?

11:24Come and sit down

11:24And tell me how Michael is

11:25We sing hymns

11:29Do you?

11:30In the toilets

11:31Early

11:32Me and Michael

11:33How early?

11:34Four o'clock

11:35No wonder they want to lock you up

11:37Have I told you about the balloons?

11:38No

11:39No

11:39Jill and Tony sent me a dozen

11:41Red and silver hearts

11:43They let me go with the nurse

11:45Over to the children's ward

11:46I tied them on the ends of their beds

11:47All the way over to the children's ward?

11:49Red and silver with red ribbons

11:50That was kind of you

11:51Do you remember Christine?

11:53Pretty girl?

11:54She's dead

11:54Are you sure?

11:56Drowned herself

11:57So, so cute

11:59You're going to come and see me

12:00Sad

12:00Do you want a cup of tea?

12:01No, not really

12:02It won't take a minute

12:03I need to talk to you about something

12:05We're allowed in the kitchen

12:06Dr. Spencer asked me to talk to you

12:08What?

12:09What when your car start?

12:11Thomas

12:12Listen to me

12:13Dr. Spencer

12:15You trust him, don't you?

12:18Do you remember the last time you were in here

12:19Six months ago?

12:21They gave you ECT

12:22Do you remember?

12:23You were out of hospital a week later

12:25They want to give you some more

12:28Get me out

12:30I can't, sweetie

12:32Why not?

12:33You were sectioned

12:35I can hide in your car

12:36Thomas

12:37Listen to me

12:38You want to go home?

12:40Tonight

12:41Maybe not tonight

12:42But very soon

12:42Tomorrow

12:43In a few days

12:44I promise

12:45You promise?

12:49I can tell Dr. Spencer

12:50Can I tell him?

12:54Why was I sectioned?

12:56I bought you some figs

12:59They're in the car

13:00Peter's with me

13:01He wants to see you

13:03Shall I send him up with them?

13:13How is he?

13:15Better than he was

13:16Is he sleeping?

13:17They put him in a side room

13:19To help him sleep?

13:20To lock him off at night

13:21What's he been doing?

13:24He woke up the ward

13:25Pacing, talking

13:27The voices

13:28His psychiatrist

13:30Wants to try ECT

13:31Oh, Christ

13:33I know, but

13:34It's worked before

13:35It's just so

13:36Medieval

13:38Dr. Spencer wants Tom

13:41To agree to have it

13:42Trying to get him

13:43To talk about it?

13:46I'd better get going

13:47He'll be waiting for me

13:49Thanks

13:49Boy

13:52Well, maybe about 20

13:53Brought in late one night

13:55All he had on

13:56Was a blue overall

13:57It was rail thin

13:58Big boots

14:00String laces

14:01No socks

14:02His front teeth were broken

14:04Why don't you take the chair?

14:06I'll sit on the bed

14:07Epileptic

14:07You won't believe this

14:08He goes all over the country

14:10By train

14:10Riding in the space

14:11Between the carriages

14:12He'd had a fit

14:14Fell from the train

14:15Smashed his teeth

14:16I call him the rider

14:17If you don't sit down

14:19I'm going

14:19Is Lizzie okay?

14:26Not really

14:27I mean, what do you expect?

14:31No, she said anything

14:32She works all day

14:34Here every night

14:35It's hard for her

14:36If I want to zap me

14:37The Frankenstein mob

14:39If it gets you better

14:41She'd been crying

14:43There were a few tears

14:45In the car

14:45Coming here

14:46I'm going to calm down

14:51Try to sleep

14:52I know how to beat this

14:54Tell Lizzie

14:56I will

14:56Tell her

14:57I will

14:58Since I came back from the hospital

15:17I've been

15:18So low

15:19Searching for the other half

15:24Of myself

15:24That man

15:27Who lives inside

15:28Another man

15:29Hardly slept

15:31Maybe an hour

15:34Less

15:36This morning's wild

15:38Spiky

15:41Spiky

15:41And grey

15:43Lizzie left last night

15:48No warning

15:53Just

15:53Up and left

15:55I was at a group

16:00All the usual suspects

16:03The

16:03Sinful and the sufferers

16:06Look for a note

16:08Like you would with a suicide

16:11No, no, no

16:14I'm surprised

16:17Lizzie's not like that

16:18Uncaring

16:20So then

16:23I found a message

16:25On my answering machine

16:27I'm so sorry Tom

16:29I had to leave

16:30I can't do it anymore

16:32I've got nothing left

16:36I can't deal with your

16:39What do I call it?

16:42Vilness

16:43So much more than that

16:45The last few weeks have been so stressful

16:50More than ever before

16:51In your heart of hearts

16:54You know that

16:55I don't think you realise

16:59Just how painful it is

17:00Seeing you in your

17:01What is it you call it?

17:03Your

17:03Carnival of despair

17:06Please

17:11Don't try to contact me

17:13I'll ring you in a few days

17:15I'm not coming back Tom

17:18Don't forget you're seeing that psychologist

17:23On Thursday

17:24I remember two years ago

17:32When I first met Lizzie

17:33The cafe was almost empty

17:37She sat sipping iced tea

17:40Lost in the idleness of a hazy drained day

17:44I was eating a fig

17:46I turned and smiled at her

17:49She looked away

17:51Do you like figs?

17:53I'm sorry?

17:54Some people don't

17:55I held one out to her

17:56They're my favourite fruit

17:57She took the fig

17:58Still warm from my hand

18:00I left my table

18:03And sat down beside her

18:04As she bit into it

18:05Good

18:06Hmm

18:07I'm Thomas

18:08Oh sorry

18:10Mouthful of fig

18:11Lizzie

18:11Did you know that the Chinese

18:15Called dreams

18:15The hidden language of God

18:17I don't dream

18:19Everybody dreams

18:20I don't

18:21Do you want another iced tea?

18:23No thanks

18:24Another fig?

18:25I haven't finished this one

18:26Another life?

18:28You're a strange man

18:30I've got to go now

18:32Can we meet again?

18:34Tomorrow?

18:35Same time same place?

18:36Well

18:36Yeah

18:38Cherries

18:40Cherries?

18:42My second favourite fruit

18:43Oh

18:44We met at the same time

18:46Same place

18:47The next day

18:48She brought cherries

18:49Is this a date?

18:52I suppose it is

18:53Technically

18:53Are you married?

18:56No

18:56Are you?

18:57No

18:58And no

18:59No and no

19:01Not married

19:02Not attached

19:03There was someone once

19:04What happened?

19:06He went to Canada

19:07And you didn't?

19:08I didn't

19:09Are you lonely?

19:14Sometimes

19:15I try to

19:17Shape

19:17My loneliness

19:18I don't understand

19:20Use it

19:22How?

19:24It's a sort of bereavement

19:25And people don't quite know

19:28What to say to you

19:28These cherries are good

19:32You're not going to handle

19:33I never know what to do

19:35With the stones

19:35Would you do something for me?

19:43If I can

19:43Open some letters

19:45I sat there

19:47Suddenly wishing

19:48I hadn't asked her

19:49Feeling as though

19:51A way out

19:51Was lost to me

19:52I knew this was

19:54A decisive moment

19:55If I tried to explain why

19:57I'd asked her

19:58She would ask herself

20:00If she really wanted

20:01To get involved

20:02With a man so clearly damaged

20:03There must be hundreds

20:06Not hundreds

20:07At least a hundred

20:09Yeah

20:09I've gone a bit behind

20:10A bit?

20:11Yeah I know

20:12Why don't you open them?

20:14When I go to open the letter

20:15You can tell me

20:17It's as if

20:19People are posting me

20:20Their thoughts

20:21You want me to open them

20:23For you?

20:25Yeah would you?

20:26I'll sort them out

20:27Bills

20:28Personal

20:29Junk mail

20:30Bank statements

20:32Two weeks later

20:34Lizzie moved in with me

20:36New beginning

20:37Fresh start

20:39Feeling

20:39Dangerously happy

20:42She's very beautiful

20:45Something surprising about beauty

20:48Like snow coming out of the dark

20:50The more I get to know her

20:52The more

20:53She amazes me

20:55My

20:56Oddness

20:59Doesn't seem to threaten her

21:01She's more alone in the world

21:03Than she'd thought

21:04Lost in life's glare

21:07Can't think why she's with me

21:10Maybe she's looking for a little shade

21:14And she would

21:15She would make me touch her

21:17In all the forbidden places

21:20I'd still remember the smell of her flesh

21:24How old were you?

21:28Six

21:28Six when it started

21:30Why do you think she did that?

21:35You must have thought about it

21:37It didn't seem out of place

21:40In what way?

21:43Normal

21:43When did you realise it wasn't normal?

21:48Later

21:48How much later?

21:49Later

21:50Did you want to touch her?

21:56No

21:57Okay

21:58You knew it was wrong?

22:00Yes

22:00Well how did you know?

22:03Because it was so secret

22:05So hidden

22:05From whom?

22:07From everyone

22:08We were always

22:10We were always

22:11Always alone

22:11In the house

22:12Did you tell anyone?

22:16My

22:16My sister

22:17What did she say?

22:18She

22:19Didn't believe me

22:22I haven't told anyone else

22:26For

22:2730 years

22:28Why are you telling me?

22:33I

22:34I needed to know

22:36How it would sound

22:39How the

22:40How the words would come out

22:42Why me Thomas?

22:44How I

22:44How I feel

22:45When I told you

22:46Because

22:47I'm a woman

22:48I have

22:52A

22:53A

22:53A shaming

22:54Difficulty

22:55With

22:56Forgiveness

22:58You think

23:00You think

23:00You need

23:00To forgive

23:01Your mother

23:01Hm?

23:05Why do you

23:05Have to forgive her?

23:09Perhaps

23:09To forgive

23:10Yourself

23:10What do you

23:14Have to forgive

23:15Yourself

23:15For

23:15Thomas?

23:18It wasn't

23:19Your fault

23:19None of it

23:20You were a child

23:20When I think of her

23:21I always think of her

23:22Someone walking away

23:24From you

23:25From everyone

23:26Everything

23:27But mostly from you

23:29I suppose so

23:31Your mother was very religious

23:36It says so in your notes

23:40Yeah

23:40She used to talk to God

23:41What else?

23:43Write all over her Bibles

23:44So much writing

23:46You couldn't read it

23:47She reached out through people's letterboxes

23:50Looking for her father

23:51How old were you when she died?

23:55I was 13

23:55How did you feel?

23:59Free

24:00It says in your file

24:03That your mother was highly intelligent

24:05My mother was

24:07Um

24:07Sharpened

24:08Not blunted

24:09By madness

24:10You think of your mother as mad?

24:14I have to blame someone

24:15Wait to face another day

24:20Feel almost human

24:22For um

24:23Five minutes

24:26Less

24:27Then the dread of the day

24:30Sets in

24:31Shutting down

24:36Shrinking

24:39My clothes don't touch my skin

24:44Tom

24:47Tom

24:50I know you're there

24:53I'm going to keep ringing until you answer

24:57I saw Lizzie yesterday

25:01You say you were eight when you had your first depression

25:05Just

25:06Eight

25:07That's very young

25:09Do you remember much about it?

25:14Oh

25:14Every teaser

25:16As if it were yesterday

25:17Seven of us squashed in a big old car

25:21Dad borrowed for the day

25:22Singing our way to the seaside

25:24The sun

25:26Hot on the roof

25:27The dusty windows

25:29The faint smell of oil

25:31The stone in the tyre

25:34How did you feel?

25:43Oh

25:43This aching emptiness

25:45Everything appeared

25:47Frozen

25:48Colorless

25:49Were you frightened?

25:51I didn't know what to do

25:53Oh

25:54The gulls shrieking

25:56Hurt

25:57Oh

25:57Physically hurt

25:58The kids squealing as the tide chased them up the beach

26:03And I felt as though I was slowly sinking into the sand

26:09This is where I first met Thomas

26:13He was eating figs

26:15Tom and his figs

26:17He once bought I don't know how many fig trees in pots

26:20They were all over the house

26:21How long have you known Thomas?

26:24We were at school together

26:25What was he like then?

26:27He was either roaring round the playground making a nuisance of himself

26:30Or sat in the darkest corner he could find

26:32Didn't they realise he was ill?

26:34The teachers just thought he was odd

26:36He was clever

26:37Really clever

26:38Clever kids can get away with being odd

26:40Didn't his family realise that?

26:42They were odd too

26:43Especially his mother

26:44The doctor said he was hyperactive

26:46He would grow out of it

26:48Have you seen him?

26:51He's gone to ground

26:52Won't answer the phone

26:54Won't open the door

26:56Two years with you have been his most stable

27:03I had to leave

27:04I know

27:05I couldn't go on

27:06That wasn't fair of me

27:09I'm sorry

27:11He's seeing a psychologist

27:13A woman

27:14That should be interesting

27:16The bipolar group helps him

27:18He's always calm after one of those meetings

27:20There he can speak openly

27:22Doesn't have to explain

27:24Doesn't have to be careful

27:25Be guarded

27:25You know Thomas

27:27He does love to talk

27:28Needs to talk

27:30There are moments so brief

27:34You can hardly catch them

27:35When you can see past the words

27:38See inside him

27:39How vulnerable he is

27:41How frightened

27:43Alone

27:44Even when you were there?

27:47Tom is the loneliest person I've ever known

27:49If you'd like to see him

27:51No

27:51Away from the house

27:54No

27:54This room

27:56My room

27:57Lizzie called it a den

28:00Sparsely furnished

28:03No pictures on the walls

28:04No ornaments on the shelves

28:06No plants

28:07No carpets

28:08A scuffed leather armchair

28:12Dominates the centre of the room

28:13Round it

28:15On the floor

28:16Are strewn

28:18Books

28:19Newspapers

28:20Magazines

28:21Pads and pencils

28:22The

28:25The bareness of the room suggests

28:27Someone in transit

28:29When I leave

28:32Each time I leave

28:33I

28:34I carefully check the details

28:35The

28:37The set of the chair

28:38The

28:39Folds in the curtains

28:41The page number

28:42Of an open book

28:43On the desk

28:44A

28:46Collection of

28:47Artless

28:48Objects

28:49A

28:50Silver bulldog

28:51Paperweight

28:52A small china fox

28:54Two plastic elephants

28:56A cheap tin

28:57Atlas calendar

28:58I

28:59Lightly

29:00Touch

29:01Each in turn

29:02Photographing their

29:03Exact position

29:04With my fingers

29:05Friday's Amy day

29:11Remember

29:13Amy

29:13Remember

29:14When we were kids

29:15Sitting on the stairs

29:18Listening

29:18Their voices arguing

29:21Then the blows

29:24You screw your eyes shut

29:26And cover your ears

29:27I

29:29Couldn't move

29:29Remember

29:31Amy

29:31Remember

29:32She'll be waiting for me

29:38Sat by the window

29:39In her best dress

29:40Made up like a parrot

29:41Check the car

29:45See no one's

29:47Tried to steal it

29:47One matchbox

29:49Under the front wheel

29:49One under the back

29:50Paranoia

29:53It's true perception

29:54I drive that road

29:58Every Friday

29:59It's my road

29:59I know

30:00Every tyre mark

30:01Get to the hospital

30:03At

30:05Marginal world

30:06The land of

30:07Locked razors

30:08Each visit

30:10Still fills me

30:10With dread

30:11And then she comes

30:14Squeezed

30:16Into a wheelchair

30:17Too small for her

30:18Her slumped posture

30:20Exaggerates

30:22The obesity

30:22Of her body

30:23The front of her dress

30:25Stained with food

30:26Her once pretty face

30:28A mask of make-up

30:30Her hair

30:31Sorry I'm late

30:34Terrible traffic

30:35Want to sit on the stage

30:37We're going to sit under that tree

30:38I'm going to have a talk with you

30:39They've stolen that address book

30:41You gave me

30:41You know

30:42They've stolen everything

30:43They wouldn't let me have any dinner

30:46I told them

30:48I'd run out to the gate

30:49I'll sleep here

30:50I won't go back

30:52This is the only dress

30:56I could

30:57Oh lovely

30:59I'll wear that tonight

31:01I went to get my money

31:03And he plays the bloody mouth organ outside

31:06Lovely day isn't it

31:07Listen

31:07I'll tell you what I'm thinking

31:08I think very quickly

31:09Now listen

31:09What hand do you write with

31:11That one don't you

31:11What hand do you wear your watch

31:13There right

31:14Why do you wear your watch on that hand

31:16Because I'm right handed

31:18I always wear my watch on this hand

31:19I'll tell you why

31:20I always have done

31:21Don't forget I'm an ex-bank clerk

31:24Do you know what she said to me

31:27Get up to bed patient

31:28Kick me up the stairs

31:29Well I don't like that

31:30I'm sorry

31:31I'll be nice to that

31:35I'll lend her to try

31:36And get her to pull herself together

31:37She dug her thumbs

31:38Right in my eyes

31:40I'm sure she didn't mean to

31:41She pulled all my eyelashes out

31:43I don't think she meant it

31:45We all have accidents

31:47I don't think some things people do are intentional

31:50Don't forget

31:54I had 60 people older than me under me

31:57She says to me

31:58We're all not in the bank now

31:59Get up to bed patient

32:00Kick me

32:01Up the arse

32:02You seem better

32:03I'm out of the woods

32:04Is that a man or a woman?

32:08A woman

32:08She's not shouting

32:09She doesn't talk

32:10I've got to be careful

32:16Why?

32:18That nurse I reported

32:19He's written saying

32:19He's going to kill me

32:20Don't be the arse

32:22That's what he said

32:22That barrel

32:26Hit me on the head

32:27Took my wheelchair

32:28When I move my head

32:30I can hear something

32:31Go ping in my mouth

32:32No one's going to hurt you

32:33I'm alright when I'm with you

32:34But when I'm with other people

32:36I'm frightened

32:36They're all mad

32:38I'll take you down to the Cedars

32:40Buy you something

32:41Do you reckon these shoes will fit me?

32:48They're not wide enough, are they?

32:49They're nice, though

32:50What I'm looking for

32:55Is a nice little navy blue handbag

32:58You've had all the handbags, haven't you?

33:00Well, you've got to look suitable

33:01You've got to look suitable

33:02Bull love

33:04I wonder if she realises how she looks

33:08How she sounds

33:09Deep inside that

33:11Grotesque

33:13Is a wonderful person

33:15Bright

33:16Clever

33:17Funny

33:18Open-hearted

33:19What do those fathomless eyes see now?

33:26Part of a terrifying truth about herself

33:29Write a list

33:31I do need a drink

33:37I can't get too much

33:38I desperately need a drink

33:40Alright, you need some drinks

33:41They pinched my nail varnish remover

33:43So I bought another one

33:44They pinched that

33:45You know they sniff it

33:46Drink it as well if they're thirsty

33:48What else?

33:49Some cheese

33:49Oh, and I'd like a weekly row

33:51Paper

33:52I'm cutting down all my food

33:54You know, I mustn't have salt with anything

33:55And they don't have fresh fruit over there

33:58Drinks, cheese, paper

33:59What else?

34:00What else is there?

34:01You want some crackers?

34:03Crisps

34:03No, you mustn't have crisps

34:05I won't have any tea

34:06I've not had any dinner

34:07Crisps, you've all got salt in them

34:08All got what?

34:09Salt

34:09I'll have two scotch eggs

34:13They won't have scotch eggs, will they?

34:15Yes, they will

34:16I can eat scotch eggs

34:17Scotch eggs

34:18Maybe I should get the car

34:20Take her home

34:20Let her live with me

34:21You'd last a week

34:24Then we'd both be back in there

34:27There's your new scaper

34:28Five drinks

34:30Some cheese

34:31Two scotch eggs

34:32And I got you some quavers

34:34Very nice

34:35Want me to wheel you back?

34:37I'll stay out here for a while

34:39I'll see you next week

34:40Kiss, kiss

34:42She looked up at me

34:43And smiled like a child

34:45In that smile I could see

34:48Loss

34:49Loneliness

34:50Regret

34:52I bent and gently kissed her

34:55These sessions, what are they?

34:57They give you an opportunity

34:59Not just me

34:59Everyone who goes through this ritual of unhappiness

35:01Is that how you see it?

35:02The shame

35:03The isolation

35:03The feeling of worthlessness

35:05Thomas

35:06Is that what you feel?

35:08I can't remember how many

35:09Psychiatrists and psychologists I've sat with

35:11Who are pretending to listen

35:12You don't think I'm listening?

35:13You sit there with my life

35:14Between brown cardboard covers

35:16How can you know what it's like

35:17Day after day

35:18Year after year

35:19To be treated

35:19As they said of symptoms

35:21That must be managed

35:22I am not the enemy, Thomas

35:24Then, who are you?

35:29Why are you here

35:30If you have such a low opinion of us?

35:32I promised someone

35:33A friend?

35:34I gave my word

35:34Yes, a friend

35:35More than a friend

35:37Much more

35:38Tell me

35:39She kept me sane for the past two years

35:41If she were here, she would

35:43What?

35:45Tell you more about me than I can

35:47Perhaps I should talk to her

35:49No

35:49You don't want me to?

35:50No, she wouldn't

35:51It's important to have a friend

35:54A partner who listens to you

35:56Accepts you

35:57With whom you feel secure

35:58She left

35:58Do you see her?

36:00No

36:00Do you try to see her?

36:02She asked me not to

36:03What happened?

36:05Just wore her out

36:06In what way?

36:07You must know

36:08I want you to tell me

36:11Tell me

36:14I'd lock her out of my life

36:17I wouldn't come home

36:19Sometimes for days

36:20She never knew where I was

36:22Or who I was with

36:24When you're manic

36:26You get sexually charged

36:28Promiscuous

36:29Poor Lizzie

36:32She was living

36:34Half of half a life

36:36What are you reading?

36:52Lizzie

36:54Can I sit down?

36:55Yes, please

36:56Please, of course

36:57How are you?

37:02Oh

37:03Up and down

37:04Lucky

37:04You?

37:06I'm sharing a flat with Sarah

37:08You left some clothes?

37:11Yes

37:11I'll come and collect them sometime

37:13I could bring them round

37:14No

37:14No, I'll pick them up

37:16How are you getting on with

37:18Dr. Klein?

37:20Can we talk about something else?

37:22I didn't mean to

37:22No, no, no, you didn't

37:23It's just

37:24I'm becoming defined

37:26By this bloody illness

37:27Oh, hello

37:28Yes, this is Thomas

37:29She's a manic depressive

37:30I understand

37:30I'm starting to

37:31Live the illness

37:33If you understand

37:34No, no, she's

37:37She's different

37:38She listens

37:39Can't remember how many doctors

37:42I've had

37:42But I can remember

37:43Those who have actually

37:44Listened

37:45I'm asking them

37:46Too busy

37:46Reaching for their

37:47Prescription pairs

37:48What's she like?

37:50Grey hair

37:51Comfortable shoes

37:51No, not at all

37:53She's rather stylish

37:53Actually

37:54She asked me about you

37:56What did you tell her?

37:59What I could

37:59That we'd

38:01Yeah

38:01That I had

38:02She wanted to see you

38:04You told her what?

38:07No, no

38:08It wouldn't be possible

38:08How's Amy?

38:13Buying handbags

38:13How many has she got now?

38:16Oh, God, thanks

38:16They're all over her room

38:1730, maybe 40

38:19As Amy would say

38:22You've got to look suitable

38:22I'll go and see her

38:25What does she like?

38:27Next week

38:28Lizzie, I'm so sorry

38:32I know

38:33About everything

38:34I know

38:34I'd better go

38:36Things to do

38:37Yes

38:39I'll ring you

38:40To pick up the clothes

38:41Look after yourself

38:46You too

38:47You too

38:53Back from seeing Amy

38:55I found her letter

38:57Had been slipped

38:57Under the door

38:58I stood for some time

39:00Just looking down at it

39:02Then

39:03Snatched it up

39:04Went into the den

39:06Checked the chair

39:06Checked the curtains

39:07Checked the pages

39:08Of the open book

39:08Go to the desk

39:10Bulldog

39:11Fox

39:11Elephant

39:11Atlas

39:12Nothing's been moved

39:13There'd been no intruders

39:13I sat at the desk

39:15Looking at the letter

39:16Turned it over

39:17Saw that part of the flap

39:19Had come unstuck

39:20I picked it

39:23I opened a small section

39:25Tried to see inside

39:26A whispering woman's voice

39:31Came from the letter

39:32I slammed both hands down on it

39:35Trying to stop the voice

39:36Coming out

39:37Snatched it up

39:38Tore it in half

39:39The voice doubled

39:42One slightly after the other

39:45Like

39:46The tick of two clocks

39:48There were eggshells everywhere

39:50Eggshells

39:51He must be living on eggs

39:52All that was in the fridge

39:53Were boxes of eggs

39:55He seemed quite calm

39:56When we met in the cafe

39:57Too calm

39:59The dream again

40:01Park the car

40:02Walk through a maze

40:03Backstreet

40:04Arrived at a small hotel

40:06Ended

40:07Pressed a bell

40:08At reception

40:09An old woman appeared

40:10And gave me a key

40:11Searching for my room

40:13344

40:14The sequence of numbers

40:16On the doors

40:16Illogical

40:17Finally find it

40:19And enter

40:20Sat slumped

40:29On the side of the bed

40:29A quiet tap

40:32At the door

40:32I got up

40:34And opened it

40:35Hello Thomas

40:41The woman in red

40:43Not this time

40:44The woman in black

40:45Can I come in

40:46What do you want

40:47I've been here before

40:51To this sad hotel

40:53I closed the door

40:54And watched her

40:55As she inspected the room

40:57Like an expensive whore

40:58To this room

40:59Some time ago

41:01A woman

41:02Quite young

41:03Her husband had been killed

41:05In a plane crash

41:06She couldn't live without him

41:07She needed somewhere anonymous

41:09We talked for a while

41:11She had a gun

41:12This gun

41:13Her husband bought it for her

41:15She was often alone

41:16She lay the gun on the pillow

41:19She left no note

41:20She had grown weary of words

41:23Just like you Thomas

41:25Are you here?

41:26Does it worry you

41:27That I'm a woman?

41:28A sharp rap on the door

41:30It opened

41:31And ratchet entered

41:32344

41:33I turned back to the woman

41:35In black

41:35Are you two?

41:37She was nowhere to be seen

41:38Ratchet

41:39Crossed the room

41:40Picked the gun up

41:41From the pillow

41:42And held it out to me

41:44Wait a minute

41:47He smiled

41:48That's what they all say

41:50I took the gun

41:51Slowly raised it

41:53Thomas

41:58Thomas

41:59Thomas talk to me

42:02Tom

42:03Tom

42:03What have you taken?

42:05Thomas

42:06Ten minutes

42:11No longer

42:11Thank you

42:12The first time I saw you

42:16Was in the cafe

42:18Eating a fig

42:20You turned and smiled at me

42:23Asked me if I like figs

42:26Some people don't

42:29You held one out to me

42:32They're my favourite fruit

42:34It was still

42:37Warm from your hand

42:38You came and sat beside me

42:42I'm Thomas

42:45Lizzie

42:46Do you want another tea?

42:50No thanks

42:51Another fig

42:52I haven't finished this one

42:55Another life

42:56You're a strange man

42:58Kiss me

43:05Kiss me

43:06I've missed you

43:16In Floor in the Motor

43:32Dust in the Blood

43:33By Trevor Preston

43:34Thomas was played by Rory Kinnear

43:36Lizzie by Janice Acqua

43:38Dr. Klein by Susan Engel

43:40And Amy by Fenella Woolgar

43:42Peter was Paul Ryder

43:44Nita

43:45Manjeet Mann

43:46Ratchid

43:47Inam Mirza

43:48And Dr. Beard

43:50Jonathan Tafler

43:51The director was Toby Swift

43:53The director was

Category

Transcript

Recommended