On The Carpet By Eve Ward

Oldtuberadio

Tony, a sci-fi writer, finds life stranger than fiction when a man, a total stranger, suddenly dies on the carpet in the sitting room. There is, however, worse to come …  Director: Kay Patrick.  Tony: Martin Jarvis Maud: Barbara Lott Vi: Patty Coombs Police sergeant: Martin Reeve Morgue attendant: James Tomlinson Undertaker: John Branwell  First Broadcast: Wed 11th Sep 1991, 15:00 on BBC Radio 4 FM  Do you enjoy the variety on Oldtuberadio? Like, Share and Subscribe to be notified of our new shows #radio #crime #thriller #drama To Support this channel please visit https://www.buymeacoffee.com/oldtuberadio https://ko-fi.com/oldtuberadio98 https://www.patreon.com/oldtuberadio https://locals.com/Oldtuberadio

Transcript

00:00On the Carpet by Eve Ward with Martin Jarvis, Barbara Lott and Pat Coombs

00:30It all started on a beautiful day, in May, the 5th to be exact, at half past ten or thereabouts.

00:45It was the kind of day England does rather well when it tries.

00:47Sunshine, a balmy breeze coaxing the daffodils and crocuses out of the soil, and all seemed right with the world.

00:55Mortimer the cat was lying in his favourite place right by the radiator in the hall with his paws up in the air,

01:00heralding the coming of spring, or doing his cat push-ups, as me Auntie Vi likes to say.

01:06But I digress. This isn't about the weather or our cat, Mortimer.

01:12It's about the man on our carpet.

01:16Mother! Come quickly! Mother!

01:20Keep your hair on, I'm coming. Now what is it, Tony?

01:24Look!

01:25What is that man doing on my carpet, Tony?

01:28He's dead, Mother.

01:29Dead? How do you mean dead?

01:30Dead as in extinct and no more.

01:32On my carpet? What cheek! How did he die?

01:36I don't know. It's a complete mystery to me.

01:38You mean you weren't in the room?

01:39Of course I was in the room, in front of him, in fact, leaning nonchalantly on the mantelpiece.

01:43You? You haven't been nonchalant since you were a baby.

01:45One minute he was standing there, the next he flopped down on his face.

01:50Dead?

01:50Fancy dying on someone else's carpet. Very thoughtless, if you ask me.

01:54I don't think he had much choice in the matter, Mother.

01:56It seemed rather sudden. Struck down in life would appear to be an absimile.

02:01Who is he?

02:01I've no idea.

02:02You've no idea? What kind of an answer is that?

02:05Are you being provocative to your mother again?

02:07The bell rang, I opened the door, and this man was standing there.

02:11He said he had to see me. It was important.

02:13What was?

02:14The reason why he wanted to see me.

02:15And was it?

02:16I don't know. He died before he could tell me.

02:18All I did was go to the supermarket, and the minute my back is turned,

02:22a man, a total stranger, rings my bell and drops dead on the carpet.

02:26This is queer, Tony. Very queer.

02:29I feel an agonising pain in my left arm. I can't stand surprises.

02:34I brought him in here, asked him if he wanted a cup of tea,

02:36and whoosh, dropped like a sack of potatoes.

02:39Are you sure he's dead?

02:41He might have been off all night and in need of a rest.

02:43He's dead. I checked. I took that first aid course, remember?

02:45We can't have him cluttering up the carpet like that. It's not done.

02:49So what are we going to do with him, then?

02:50Not a thing. We don't know him.

02:52We should call the doctor and the police.

02:54Here?

02:55Yes, here. He's dead here, isn't he?

02:56But we can't!

02:57Why can't we?

02:58The room hasn't been vacuumed.

03:00He's past caring.

03:00I'm not.

03:01You're calling no one till I get the vacuum in here.

03:04Now, go and ring your Aunty Ivy. She'll have to know.

03:07If she finds out about this from other sources, we'll be for it.

03:10What are you doing now, Maud?

03:15What does it look like I'm doing, Vi?

03:18Well, it looks like you're vacuuming.

03:20Then I am.

03:21But won't you disturb that gentleman on the carpet?

03:23He's not on the carpet, Vi.

03:26Yes, he is. Face down. I'm looking at him.

03:29The man is dead.

03:31Oh!

03:31So he's not there.

03:32A technical point, but necessary under the circumstances which are decidedly fishy.

03:38Oh, don't say that. Did he say that?

03:40Don't you dare faint. I forbid it. I'm far too busy to catch you.

03:45Mother! What are you doing?

03:46Trying to lift his feet.

03:48I don't want to vacuum round him. Give me a hand, Tony.

03:51You're not supposed to move him.

03:52Not ever.

03:53I just don't think we should move him till the doctor and the police have seen him, Aunty Vi.

03:57They'll have to take note of the exact position of the body.

04:00Like on television, Tony, with murders and things.

04:03Has he been murdered?

04:05No, of course not. I was the only one in the room with him.

04:07I certainly didn't kill him.

04:09Look how sprawled and untidy he is. Such a sight. Can't we just close his legs?

04:15No, not a hair, not a finger.

04:17I don't want to move a hair or a finger. Just his legs. Who know the difference?

04:22Wait. Move. Nothing.

04:24It might have been a poison dart.

04:27Eh?

04:28A poison dart blown by the murderer through the window.

04:32What window?

04:33Either window.

04:34My window?

04:36Someone blew a poison dart through my window.

04:39How dare you.

04:39No one's thrown or blown any poison darts through any window.

04:43Now, are you done, Mother?

04:44Mother, I must ring the doctor.

04:46Why? He's dead, isn't he?

04:48Waste a journey for the doctor and you know how they go on about calling them out unless it's important.

04:53You're right, Vi. Move the chair, will you?

04:56Oh.

04:56We have to have a doctor to certify he's dead.

05:01Who is he?

05:02Someone my Tony let into the house.

05:05Oh.

05:06That's better.

05:08Where are the blue curtains, Vi?

05:09Oh, they're very sombre mode.

05:10I know, but we can't have flowered curtains on the window with a dead person lying there.

05:15They're a riot of colour.

05:16It's not seemly.

05:17People will think we don't know how to behave.

05:19Are you going to change the wallpaper as well?

05:21Don't be daft.

05:22It was only done six months ago.

05:24I'm not going to all that expense for someone who's common enough to drop dead without so much as an appointment, Vi.

05:30Yes.

05:31The blue curtains.

05:32Oh, Mother.

05:33And give Mortimer a brush.

05:35He's been on the tyres again.

05:36Yes, yes, Lord, yes.

05:37They won't be coming to see the rum, the curtains, or Mortimer, Mother.

05:41They'll be coming to see the corpse.

05:43Don't raise your voice to me like that, Tony.

05:46It's most unpleasant.

05:47I'm sorry, Mother.

05:47I'm trying to keep saying.

05:48No one kept saying by shouting.

05:50I remember that.

05:51Did you ring our Ivy?

05:52Yes.

05:53Well, how is she?

05:54Same.

05:55She would be, wouldn't she?

05:56She's Ivy, so she's not likely to be anyone else, is she?

05:59You do talk rubbish at times, Tony.

06:01And you should know better.

06:03How did she take our little problem?

06:05With relief.

06:07Relief?

06:08How do you mean relief?

06:09Relief?

06:09We had a problem worse than hers.

06:11Isn't that just like our Ivy?

06:12No, more to my darling.

06:14No, don't sit on the man's back.

06:17He's dead, you know.

06:18Now, go on.

06:19Shoo, shoo.

06:22I wonder if I should move the ornaments.

06:24We don't want all our best things on shore for strangers.

06:27No, leave them.

06:28Can't we get on, Mother, please?

06:30I've got to report the body.

06:31It's been more than half an hour already.

06:33You ought to do no such thing until the room looks right.

06:35Do you want to show your mother up?

06:38Hurry up with those curtains, Vi.

06:40They might need ironing.

06:41Oh, Mother.

06:42Oh, stop saying, oh, Mother, in those strangulated tones as if I'd just stepped on your toes.

06:46Go and make yourself useful.

06:48Get the ladder.

06:49Oh, beam me up, Scotty.

06:51And that's how it happened, Inspector.

06:55Sergeant, dear.

06:56Not Inspector.

06:57Not yet.

06:58But we live in hope.

06:59That's the very best way to live, isn't it, Maud?

07:02Sorry, Sergeant.

07:03I thought you travelled in pairs, Sergeant.

07:05We do, as a rule, but there's been some sort of flu epidemic at the station, dropping like flies.

07:09Just as well there's not much doing at the moment.

07:11Except for this monstrous predicament of ours, my legs are inflamed with the shock.

07:17I should have hung on to the doctor, but one doesn't like to be a nuisance, even when one is in agony.

07:23Doctors are such busy people.

07:25I must sit.

07:26Do sit, Sergeant.

07:27Everyone sit.

07:27Well, it's different.

07:32I'll grant you that.

07:34Strange and different.

07:36No identification on him.

07:38Just money, polo mints and a hanky.

07:40Not a lot to go on, is there?

07:42I wonder who he was.

07:44And why should he want to come here to die?

07:46It's a good home.

07:47His clothes are the best.

07:48Fairly new, too.

07:49I noticed that.

07:50My son writes books, Sergeant.

07:52You don't say?

07:52Science fiction.

07:53Fiction, Mother.

07:54Science fiction.

07:55He's always had his head in the clouds.

07:58Well known, are you, sir?

07:59Well, I...

08:00He's in who's who.

08:01That's it.

08:02That must be it.

08:03What, madam?

08:03He's got this address in who's who, cheeky monkey.

08:06Well, I asked for your address.

08:07Instead of giving his own, he gave this one.

08:09I don't like to be disturbed when I'm writing him.

08:11I come over a few times a week.

08:12We've had the strangest folk turning up here since he's who's who'd it.

08:16Never know who you're going to find on the doorstep.

08:18We've never had a dead one before, Maude.

08:20True.

08:21He's the first.

08:21And he wasn't dead on the doorstep, was he, Mr. Hollingsworth?

08:24Oh, no.

08:25I'd have never had him in if he was.

08:26My sister Moe's made him ever so house proud.

08:29It's the books he writes.

08:30They attract weirdos.

08:31Black holes and inter-palalectic thing of his eye, ask you.

08:36Intergalactic, mother.

08:37Why not write about clean holes for a change?

08:39You need to go where no man's gone before in this house.

08:41But you don't live here.

08:43Well, I did for 30 years, which explains a lot.

08:45Do you think this man, the corpse on the carpet, might have been a fan of yours, sir?

08:50Well, it's possible.

08:51All kinds of people read my books.

08:52He might have dropped in to discuss the book.

08:54Books, Sergeant.

08:55He's had four published.

08:57They're even in the library.

08:58I'm very proud of him.

08:59Hiya, Mother.

08:59Oh, the things they have in libraries these days.

09:02They've got a photocopier in hours and plans.

09:05So he could have dropped in as a fan, Maude.

09:08That's no excuse for dying.

09:09It's happened before.

09:11Fans coming round, I mean.

09:13Though most people phone all right first.

09:15He obviously had no manners.

09:17Is the man known to you, madam?

09:19Certainly not.

09:20What an idea.

09:21Are you sure?

09:22Sergeant, I am not in the habit of being acquainted with folk who drop dead on people's carpets.

09:28There is a time and a place for all things, after all.

09:32My sister, Maude, has recently retired from the civil service.

09:36I took early retirement as my son is so successful.

09:39I'm so kind.

09:41We went abroad last year to Egypt.

09:43Well, if you go to the trouble of travelling abroad, you might as well go somewhere unique.

09:47My heart wept for the Sphinx.

09:49The heat, the smell, the flies, the people.

09:52I know they can't be like us because they live so far away, but they could try.

09:57Mind you, they have a history, so we must forgive them.

10:00We have nothing like the pyramids here.

10:02I was looking forward to enjoying myself in my early retirement.

10:06Now I'm in the midst of death.

10:07There's only one, Maude.

10:08Have you had a gander at the courts, madam?

10:11Miss, this is my sister.

10:12She's a miss.

10:13I stayed close to home.

10:14Perhaps you'd oblige me, miss.

10:17No, I can't.

10:18Close proximity to dead things makes me faint.

10:21Even sardines.

10:22I once fainted dead away when I came face to face with two trout on the draining boat.

10:26I'm sure none of us were acquainted with the man, Sergeant.

10:29If you're sure, we'll have to issue a photo, discover his identity.

10:34Issue a photograph?

10:35Where?

10:36Local papers, nationals.

10:37Will you have to mention the location of his demise?

10:40Madam?

10:41My carpet, plastered all over the papers.

10:43It's seen better days as that carpet.

10:45No need to worry.

10:46We'll cart him off to the morgue and take the photo there.

10:49The morgue.

10:51Oh, oh.

10:51Watch her, Tony.

10:52She's fade in.

10:53Fan her with a cushion.

10:54Are you all right, Auntie?

10:55Bye.

10:55Yeah.

10:55Mortimer Doe?

10:57Oh, thank you, Polly.

10:58That's a please, then.

10:59Oh, I like that.

11:01Hello, pussy.

11:03His name is Mortimer Holligswell.

11:06Sergeant Turner Mortimer.

11:08How do?

11:09Who's a fat pussy, then?

11:11Well, Mortimer is plump, not fat, Sergeant.

11:13He has a tendency towards plumpness.

11:16There is nothing fat in this house.

11:17Even the plants are on less than a thousand calories a day.

11:20Have you gone do lally, Tony?

11:21Plants don't need calories.

11:23Date no notice, Sergeant.

11:24He used to be quite normal.

11:25Quite normal in this house?

11:27I'm back again, Tony, love.

11:28Just look at my son.

11:30Cast one of your keen eyes upon him or two, if you've ever mind.

11:33Spaceship zoom out of him at all hours.

11:36He discusses wart factors over breakfast.

11:39Wart factors, mother.

11:41Wart.

11:41He scribbles in the lavatory.

11:44Success is a terrible, terrible thing.

11:46He's even been in the Liverpool Echo.

11:48There's no hope for me.

11:49Spaceship, eh?

11:51I saw one once.

11:52Over Fonby Sands.

11:54Did you?

11:54Fonby isn't what it used to be.

11:56It was enormous, big, and had lights all round it.

11:59It looked like a frisbee.

12:01No one believed me when I told him, but my dog's never been the same.

12:04He's taken to barking at lights now.

12:06How close were you?

12:07Very close.

12:08It hovered there in the sky for a while.

12:10Magic.

12:11Could you draw it for me?

12:11Aye, I could.

12:12What happened next?

12:13Well, he just took off.

12:14Hovered, waited, took off.

12:16Do you have children, Sergeant?

12:18No, madam.

12:18I keep budgies.

12:19Oh, I like budgies.

12:21What a wonderful experience.

12:22Well, it wasn't bad for a Sunday afternoon.

12:24It can be dead boring Sunday afternoon.

12:25Oh, no.

12:27What's wrong, mother?

12:27It's Cedric.

12:28I forgot Cedric.

12:30In all this excitement, you'll be so upset.

12:33Excuse me.

12:34Who's Cedric?

12:35The parrot.

12:35I don't suppose he can shed any light on this mystery.

12:38I shouldn't think so.

12:39He didn't see the man.

12:40Cedric's not in the habit of talking to strangers, Sergeant.

12:43Our mode would never allow it.

12:46Well, I'd best be off.

12:48What about...

12:49The ambulance will take him, sir.

12:51Don't you fear.

12:52He won't be clutching up the carpet any longer.

12:54What ambulance?

12:55Well, the one I called.

12:55It's not here yet.

12:56They're not that fast, sir.

12:58I thought they were supposed to be.

12:59Well, not for the dead, sir.

13:00No need to hurry, then.

13:02He's already gone where he's going.

13:04Excuse me, Sergeant, but he might not.

13:07He might be hanging from the light.

13:09You are?

13:10No, he's not, Aunty.

13:12He's on the carpet.

13:13He's so dear.

13:15He might be making sure we treat him properly with dignity.

13:18We will, miss.

13:19It's not me you have to convince, Sergeant.

13:22All's right with the world.

13:23Panic over.

13:24Cedric's had his elevens on his fly round the kitchen.

13:27Oh, would you like some tea, Sergeant?

13:29I should have asked you earlier, but I'm not myself at all today.

13:32I won't, thanks, sir.

13:33I've got to get on.

13:34Why are you looking up at the light like that, Vi?

13:37I'm searching, dear.

13:38Aunty Vi's worried that the man's soul might be hanging up there.

13:41Oh, no.

13:42This is too much.

13:44We've got his body on the carpet, now his soul's hanging from the light.

13:48What impertinence.

13:49That'll be the ambulance.

13:50Make sure you take everything with you, Sergeant.

13:54We deal in people and bodies, madam, not souls.

13:57I'll get the door.

13:59Talk about booking responsibilities.

14:02It's typical of everything nowadays.

14:05Will you stop looking at that light, Vi?

14:07Well, I'm sure his soul's not lurking about Maud.

14:10I was merely supposing.

14:12You have to suppose occasionally.

14:14It keeps the mind active.

14:15Merely supposing?

14:16With my nerves?

14:17You've no right, Violet Thistle.

14:20No right at all.

14:22What a relief that's over.

14:24Are we going to put the flowered curtains back?

14:26Tomorrow, we'll be sombre for 24 hours.

14:29It seems only right.

14:31The damask napkins, Vi, do set the table properly.

14:34How many times have I...

14:35Well, I just wanted to see if you were yourself again, Maud.

14:38They're getting an odd sort in the police these days.

14:41Spaceships, indeed.

14:42I won't be able to eat.

14:44That man dropping dead like that was such a shock.

14:47Yes, not the sort of thing that happens every day.

14:49Not even in this house.

14:50And what about me?

14:52Do you think I'm immune?

14:53Life must go on in the midst of tragedy.

14:56Don't I know that more than most?

14:58Wasn't I left in the lurch after my honeymoon and me coming to marriage late?

15:02But I coped.

15:03One has to.

15:04It's not easy with my sensitive nature.

15:07I feel things so deeply my body expresses it.

15:11I'm a raging volcano of painful interior spasms, me.

15:16It's the way I'm made.

15:18What's for lunch?

15:22Morning, Antivy.

15:23Good morning, lovey.

15:24Oh, you do look pale.

15:27I was up all night.

15:28Scribbling away again?

15:29I was consumed by worry about the corpse.

15:32One egg or two?

15:33I'll just have muesli this morning.

15:34Oh, it was good of you to stay the night.

15:37We were a bit nervy.

15:39Where's mother?

15:40Oh, she's on the phone to our ivy.

15:42Good.

15:42I can have breakfast in peace.

15:44She's been up for hours.

15:45Cleaning the silver, clearing out papers.

15:47A shock.

15:49I kept thinking of the poor man's family.

15:52Has he got one, dear?

15:54I don't know, but if he has, I'll be upset.

15:56I think we ought to tell them personally.

15:58When we know.

16:00Very upsetting is death.

16:01Even when you're expecting it, it makes you think.

16:06I wonder why.

16:07It's so final, isn't it?

16:09No popping back for a chat.

16:11No change of address card dropping on the mat.

16:14Why did he come here?

16:15It's haunting me.

16:17He said it was important.

16:19He hasn't been gone long enough to haunt you, dear.

16:22It takes a while for them to get adjusted on the other side.

16:25They have to, like, settle in.

16:28Fill in forms too, I shouldn't wonder.

16:30And then there'll be the rules.

16:32Bound to be rules.

16:33How else do they keep them in line?

16:35That ivy.

16:36All she cares about is Eccles cake and Emmerdale.

16:39Her.

16:40No finer feelings like us.

16:42She is the youngest.

16:43Mother's afterthought.

16:44I wish she hadn't bothered.

16:45Oh, Ma, you know you don't mean that.

16:48Your tongue, it just runs away with you at times.

16:50Good morning, Tony.

16:52No case for your mother.

16:53I refuse to get anyone with a parrot on their shoulder.

16:57Shut up!

16:58See, Cedric, he's jealous of you.

17:01Ridiculous.

17:01And he shouldn't be near the table.

17:02It's unhygienic.

17:03I refuse to have a lecture on Listeria bacteria at breakfast.

17:07And I refuse to have Cedric at the breakfast table.

17:09Oh, what a grouch.

17:10What a grouch he is, Cedric, isn't he?

17:13On your bed, dear.

17:15Oh, he's a good boy.

17:18You've hurt his feelings.

17:19He'll sulk all morning.

17:21Parrots don't sulk.

17:22Cedric does.

17:23I was shaking like a jello all night.

17:26It took all my courage.

17:28And as you know, I have considerable to go into that room this morning.

17:32Have a cup of tea, Maude.

17:33It's a fresh pot.

17:34I keep seeing him there.

17:37Then I found myself drawn to the light.

17:39What light?

17:40The overhead light.

17:42I was searching for foreign bodies.

17:44You never know, do you?

17:46He might have liked the layout of the room and chosen to stay.

17:49Well, it's a nice room.

17:51Haven't the paper arrived yet?

17:52Our Ivy wanted to know if she could go to the morgue.

17:55Why?

17:55Does she know the man?

17:57I'll go and have a look.

17:57Being married to that Henry's addled her brain.

18:02She's just nosy.

18:04And what have I always said about Southport?

18:06What, dear?

18:07It ruins folk.

18:09Think they're special because they've got a pier and a tie that's so far away you need binoculars to see the sea.

18:15Did you ask around for taking?

18:16I did not.

18:16Oh, but, Maude...

18:17I remember her giggling in the background when my Howard Hollingsworth, who shall remain nameless in this house, never came back.

18:25I forget nothing.

18:26It was over 32 years ago, Maude.

18:28A mere drop in the ocean of time.

18:31Well, she didn't mean it.

18:32She was flustered.

18:33We all were.

18:34It was such a shock.

18:35How do you think I felt?

18:37It's in the paper.

18:38The photograph.

18:40Notoriety at North Crescent.

18:42I tremble at the injustice of it.

18:43Relax, Mother.

18:44They're just asking if anyone knows this man.

18:46They don't mention an address.

18:48Oh, thank God for small mercies.

18:50He was quite a good-looking man.

18:51You'd never guess he was dead by the photo.

18:53I've seen worse than my passport.

18:55He just looked as if he's asleep.

18:57Oh, no.

18:59Who's that?

19:00Tony?

19:00Not me.

19:01I never answered the telephone before three in the afternoon.

19:03Summer, I went to...

19:04Poor me with my nerves.

19:08Do you think they'll come and tell us who he was, auntie?

19:10Well, it would be nice to know.

19:11Then I could put it in my diary.

19:14Mr. So-and-so died on our carpet today, instead of an unknown male person.

19:19Me tell her, Heidi.

19:21She wants me to look in the paper.

19:22Why's that?

19:23Something about the photo.

19:25Here it is.

19:26Oh.

19:27Oh.

19:28Good God.

19:29What is it, Mother?

19:30Maud.

19:31Are you poorly?

19:32Maud.

19:32She's gone all pale.

19:34Mother?

19:34It's your father.

19:37What?

19:38The man in the photo.

19:41It's your father.

19:42Never.

19:43Let's see.

19:45Oh, heavens.

19:47It is, Tony.

19:49Who'd have thought it?

19:52After all these years.

19:53It will be quieter in here.

19:59Sit down.

20:02Del.

20:04I thought you said you didn't know the gentleman.

20:07I didn't.

20:09Don't.

20:11But he is my father.

20:13According to my mother.

20:14And she should know.

20:15If she looked at the body, we wouldn't have to go through all this trouble.

20:20God bless.

20:21No, I know.

20:22She's mortified.

20:23At least it clears up the mystery of what he was doing at your house.

20:26Does it?

20:27Well, he lived there, didn't he?

20:28No, Sergeant.

20:30Um.

20:31Uh, let me explain.

20:33I wish you would.

20:35That's a bad cold.

20:36You need lots of vitamin C.

20:38This flu.

20:39Everyone's coming down with it.

20:40Not at our house.

20:42We never get colds at our house.

20:43Germs wouldn't dare invade.

20:44Now, about this.

20:47Should you be at work?

20:49I'll feel better with a story.

20:52Well, my mother and father got married.

20:56Oh, aye.

20:57They went to Blackpool on their honeymoon.

20:59Two weeks in the rain is how my mother describes it.

21:01They came back home.

21:02He, my father, went out for some dolly mixtures for her and never returned.

21:09Never?

21:10Never.

21:11Except for yesterday.

21:12What about you?

21:14I'm the result of the two weeks in the rain.

21:18Conceived in Blackpool.

21:20No wonder I've always been so odd.

21:22Did he know about you?

21:23How could he?

21:23He never got in touch.

21:25Vanished off the face of the earth.

21:27Was he reported missing?

21:28Yes.

21:29And no one ever found him?

21:30No.

21:31Isn't that strange?

21:32In my experience, if folk want to stay, missy, they do.

21:38He must have found out about you to come calling like that.

21:42I don't know how.

21:43He hadn't had any contact with anyone in the family since he left.

21:46Maybe he recognised you?

21:48Doubtful.

21:49I don't resemble anyone except a camel with mumps.

21:52Didn't you recognise him?

21:54How could I?

21:54I've never seen a photo.

21:55Never seen a photo?

21:56Never even had a description.

21:58Never on closed ranks whenever I asked.

22:00Mother didn't want me knowing about him.

22:01Used to upset me.

22:02But, well, you can do without anything if you have to.

22:07He died of a massive coronary.

22:13Has he any family apart from you and your mother?

22:16Not according to mother.

22:18May we assume that's the truth?

22:20Oh, yes.

22:20Mother does not indulge in lies.

22:22So, his name was Howard Hollingsworth.

22:26Howard Montgomery Hollingsworth.

22:30Age?

22:31Age?

22:33I've no idea.

22:35Occupation?

22:36I don't know that either.

22:38A real mystery, man.

22:41Your mother will have to come and identify the body.

22:43She's prostrate.

22:44She won't want to see him.

22:45She's never forgiven him.

22:46Well, Auntie Vi do.

22:47She recognised photo.

22:48Mind you, she's got this thing about the dead.

22:50One of them will have to identify the body.

22:52Procedure.

22:54I wish I could.

22:56He's my father and I can't identify him.

22:58Oh, what a mess.

22:59I wish I'd never known my old man.

23:02Sometimes it's better being left in the dark.

23:06Did you really see a spaceship?

23:08Aye, I did.

23:09Did you report it?

23:10You are?

23:11You think I'm crazy?

23:13I wonder why they came.

23:15To look us over.

23:16That's why they took off smartish.

23:18Will they come again?

23:21Oh, they might.

23:21Into space.

23:25The final frontier.

23:27To go where no one's gone before.

23:29Clean air.

23:30Silence.

23:32Space.

23:34Magic.

23:36Will you draw the spaceship for me?

23:38I'll be glad to.

23:39I'll do it now.

23:41Sergeant.

23:43Would it be all right?

23:44May I see him?

23:50The fifth of May entry.

23:53Oh, cosy.

23:56No chance of him catching cold.

23:59No.

24:00Never been to the malls before.

24:03No.

24:04First time's all as worst.

24:06Do people come more than once?

24:07Not if they can help it.

24:09Achoo.

24:11Bless you.

24:11May I remove the shade?

24:13Just a bit.

24:14Oh, I best do.

24:16Want to make sure we've got the right one, don't we?

24:19Here.

24:20Let me.

24:21We'll just tuck it under his chin here.

24:24There we go.

24:25Quite a prominent chin, isn't it?

24:28Know him, do you?

24:29No, he's my father.

24:30Oh, I like that.

24:35Supple.

24:36You're a kind of a quiet, aren't you?

24:39I've never been a card in my life.

24:40I'm too lugubrious.

24:42They're the best.

24:43Lugubrious cards.

24:46Don't know they do, innit.

24:47No strain.

24:48Just natural.

24:51Will you be all right if I...

24:53Fine, thanks.

24:54Goody gumdrops.

24:55I'll be like paint on the wall.

24:58Walk the one there.

24:59Eh?

25:00Erch!

25:06Hello, father.

25:08Dad.

25:10Dad.

25:12How are you?

25:13Oh, no, Tony.

25:14You can't say that.

25:15Man's dead.

25:18Hello, dad.

25:20Fancy us meeting after all this time.

25:23Guess what?

25:25I'm Tony.

25:27Your son.

25:29It's staggering, isn't it?

25:31There are spaceships over Fornbury Sands, dad.

25:35Isn't that amazing?

25:38Now, mother, we've got to have a funeral.

25:40Over my dead body.

25:41Not yours, dear.

25:42Father's.

25:43Don't call him that.

25:44He was never your father.

25:45Where's the thistle plot of land?

25:47He's not going in there.

25:48I forbid it.

25:49Father would turn in his grave.

25:51He might have to.

25:52We'll need the room.

25:53I'll not have him in there.

25:54It's consecrated thistle ground.

25:56There's room for our ivy, Vi and me.

25:58No strangers will reside at that address.

26:01What about me?

26:01Where was I going?

26:02I always thought you'd be married with a family by the time of your death,

26:06and other arrangements would have been made.

26:09Cremation, then?

26:10How did me...

26:11Hey.

26:13How did he feel about cremation?

26:15It's not a subject for discussion on your honeymoon.

26:18Well, you were engaged for six years.

26:19Didn't the subject come up once in all that time?

26:21We didn't talk about such things when I was a girl.

26:24Not like nowadays.

26:25Talk about anything nowadays.

26:27It's not clever.

26:28It's mucky.

26:29Death isn't mucky.

26:30Cremation isn't mucky.

26:32What's wrong with the long engagement?

26:33Nothing.

26:34I wasn't...

26:34I wasn't the type to rush into things.

26:36I had to get to know him.

26:38These matters are extremely delicate for a woman.

26:42Or they used to be.

26:43Nowadays, they pick up with anything.

26:45You don't know where they've been.

26:46Tell me about him.

26:47No.

26:48I told you before not to ask.

26:50He was a mistake which we will not dwell upon.

26:54Life goes forward, not backwards.

26:57It'll have to be cremation.

26:58It's simpler.

26:59What about the ashes?

27:00Not about them.

27:01May I bring them home?

27:02No, you may not.

27:03There's enough to dust around here without you bringing ashes in.

27:07I'll take them to the flat.

27:08Trust our darlingsworth to do the wrong thing.

27:12He'd no business dying in our house without permission on my carpet.

27:16Just when I take nearly retirement.

27:18He didn't have time to ask permission, Mother.

27:20It was too quick.

27:21That was one of his worst faults.

27:24He did everything too quick.

27:26Blink and it was all over.

27:27And now we have to bury him after nearly 33 years.

27:31Just like him.

27:32Thoughtless man.

27:34He was wearing well, Maude.

27:35Wearing well?

27:36He died, didn't he?

27:37Put that photo away.

27:39But he looked good.

27:41Distinguished.

27:42Have you been at the Guinness again?

27:43Has she?

27:43How many bottles have we got left?

27:45I'm not counting Guinness bottles for anyone.

27:47You were always a good lad.

27:48Shut up the pair of you.

27:51Can't you see how upset I am?

27:53My heart's in ribbons.

27:55Oh dear, why is that, Maude?

27:57He was the only man I love.

27:59I thought you hated him.

28:00I loved him before I hated him.

28:02I'm shattered.

28:04I'm shattered.

28:04Mother.

28:05It's no use.

28:07I'm going to bed with my hot water bottle and Winston Graham.

28:11You ought to try an electric blanket, Maude.

28:13There's nothing like it.

28:14Would you like a hot toddy?

28:15Just a tiny one.

28:16Don't give her any.

28:17Night, night, Maude.

28:18And I hope you'll feel better in the morning.

28:20I shall never feel better.

28:22Sensitive souls like myself suffer constantly.

28:26That man came back to open wounds and plague me.

28:29Good night, dear.

28:30I'll be up in a while with the hot toddy.

28:32Come on, Mortimer.

28:33Mortimer.

28:33You're the only one who understands me.

28:40Mortimer's a great psychologist.

28:42She's not herself.

28:43Oh, isn't she?

28:44He hurt her very much.

28:46Her pride.

28:47No, not just her pride.

28:48She thought he was the bee's knees.

28:50Hmm.

28:52Why didn't they marry sooner, auntie?

28:54Or are we going to have the official secrets, Zach?

28:56We couldn't talk about him.

28:58Our Maude asked us not to.

29:00But I can now.

29:01Under the circumstances.

29:03Strange and bizarre circumstances.

29:06Auntie, bye.

29:07Oh, was I digressing?

29:09You do, you know, when age comes upon you,

29:11it's something about cotton wool in the brain.

29:14Well now, Howard Hollingsworth.

29:18He wasn't ready for marriage.

29:19So he said.

29:20And your mother, she wasn't one to push.

29:22Not in those days.

29:24She's had to change.

29:25Well, it's not been easy for her,

29:26bringing you up on her own.

29:28We all offered to help,

29:29but she wouldn't have it.

29:30Not in the beginning.

29:32A bit like a lioness with her cub.

29:35I think she was trying to prove something.

29:38Then when she had to go out to work,

29:39Mother and I stepped in.

29:40It was no trouble for us.

29:42You were such a good little lad.

29:44Maud had seen to that.

29:45I wonder why he left.

29:47Hmm, it's such a mystery.

29:48Did they have words?

29:50Our Maud says not.

29:51He was as nice as pie.

29:53Maybe she frightened him away.

29:55She frightens me sometimes.

29:56She wasn't the same then.

29:58Well, people don't change that much.

29:59Oh, they do, dear.

30:00Life has a habit of distorting even the best of us.

30:03What was it like, Aunty Vi?

30:06A bit like a butterfly was Howard.

30:08A butterfly?

30:09Always flitting here and there.

30:11Did a bit of this and a bit of that.

30:13I always liked his smile and his eyes.

30:17Oh, he had sparkly eyes, no matter what time of the day it was.

30:22And he was so neat.

30:23Mother used to say if you blew on him, he'd vanish.

30:27And he did.

30:28Was his head in the clouds too?

30:29Oh, not just his head.

30:30All of him.

30:32A father like a butterfly in the clouds.

30:36Should I be proud of this?

30:37No need.

30:38You can invent him.

30:40I frequently did.

30:42You know, they weren't all saints in our day.

30:44Maud likes to think that, but it's not true.

30:47What about you, Aunty?

30:48Me?

30:49Well, I wasn't curious.

30:52That's what does it, you know, curiosity.

30:55No, I prefer to listen and read about it and imagine.

30:59I'm sure I enjoyed it much more.

31:02Imagination's a wonderful thing.

31:04It is.

31:06You'd better get a hot toddy ready.

31:08Yeah.

31:10Are you sure you don't mind identifying the body?

31:12No, not at all, lovey, but...

31:13Well, I won't stand too close and I'll say it's him because I've seen the photograph.

31:18Hey, Tony, I'll ring our ivy and we'll make a day of it.

31:24Here he is, sir.

31:25This is our chapel of rest.

31:27I've done wonders for him.

31:28You wouldn't know him.

31:30Well, I wouldn't anyway.

31:30Pardon me?

31:33It's nice in here.

31:34Oh, we do our best, our very best.

31:37We give style and distinction to our people.

31:40Not that they haven't any to begin with, we merely emphasise his...

31:43Very commendable.

31:44Was he an amazing grace, a bridge over troubled waters or a traditional hymn man?

31:49Eh?

31:50We like to play music for them.

31:52Oh.

31:53Well, silence, really.

31:56Ah, so little of it about.

32:00Oh, bless you.

32:03Well, we have had estimable people resting here in this establishment.

32:08Why, only last week we had an accountant, two solicitors and a counsellor.

32:12Did they give you any trouble?

32:13Oh, no trouble at all.

32:15The families were awash, sir.

32:16So sad.

32:18Some don't come at all.

32:19Is that bad?

32:20No.

32:20They have merely accepted that their loved ones have already departed.

32:24Do you believe in the afterlife?

32:26I rather think not.

32:28We merely dispatch the dead.

32:30Their final destination is no concern of ours.

32:33Enter.

32:33You'll be more than pleased with our services, sir.

32:36Were you recommended?

32:37Yellow pages, actually.

32:38Oh, I see.

32:39I haven't had a lot to do with death.

32:41Very handsome man, your father.

32:44If I may say so, he had partaken of many professional manicures.

32:49Had he?

32:49Oh, it's so obvious when a man of his years has taken such wonderful care of himself.

32:54He'd spent a number of years in a hot climate, hadn't he?

32:57Had he?

32:58I mean, how do you know that?

33:00Oh, the skin, sir.

33:01Burnished almost all over.

33:03Oh, excuse me.

33:08And his rings.

33:10They look foreign.

33:11I've laid them out here on our special red velvet cushion with his gold watch.

33:15I'm sure you'll be wanting to take them away with you.

33:17It would be a shame to let them go with the body.

33:20I hope you don't mind my speculation, sir.

33:24One of my hobbies, speculating about the bodies in life.

33:29No harm to it.

33:30I'm sure.

33:30He didn't do any manual labor.

33:34What was his occupation?

33:37He flew.

33:42He excelled at flying.

33:44A pilot.

33:46Hmm.

33:47We haven't had a pilot for a long time.

33:50Do pilots live longer?

33:51That's very curious.

33:52Did you know there were spaceships over Farnby Sands?

33:59Um.

34:01I'm sure you'd like to be alone with the elderly gentleman.

34:05I will be just a mere wall away, should you require my services.

34:10I must say, sir, I'm delighted you chose the roses.

34:14Nothing like roses for that special day.

34:17Hello, Dad.

34:24It's me again, Tony, your son.

34:27Bit of a shock, eh?

34:29A son, my age.

34:32What can I tell you about me?

34:34I'm quiet.

34:36And I have good manners.

34:38I'm what you might call ordinary.

34:40Some people have such interesting lives.

34:45I bet you did.

34:45It's written all over you.

34:47I've had four books published, Dad's magic.

34:51I sleep with them on me night table,

34:52so they're the first thing I see in the morning,

34:53otherwise I'd never believe it.

34:56Auntie Vi has always believed in me.

34:58Do you remember her?

35:00I love me Auntie Vi.

35:01I love Mother too, but, well, it requires effort above and beyond.

35:05Between you and me, I wish she wouldn't suffer so loudly.

35:09It's been like living in a casualty department.

35:11If you look at her sideways, she breaks out in agonising pain.

35:14It's always agonising pain.

35:16Not slight or great.

35:18Agonising.

35:20Why didn't you phone?

35:22All right.

35:24An apology would have been nice.

35:26She'd have treasured that.

35:29Where have you been all these years?

35:32Why did you go?

35:33What have you been doing?

35:37I loved you.

35:38The idea of you.

35:41See, it's hard growing up without a father.

35:46You feel lopsided, forever pointing one way,

35:50not knowing how to point both ways.

35:53That's why I write science fiction.

35:55In science fiction, you can redress the balance,

35:57make familiar things different, make them better.

36:00You've no business coming back into our lives and dying.

36:09No business at all.

36:14Beat me up, Scotty.

36:15Is that you, Tony?

36:20What are you doing in the dark?

36:23Thinking.

36:24You're always thinking, you.

36:27Give it a rest.

36:28Your brains will explode.

36:31Can't you sleep?

36:32Mortimer's taken all the duvet

36:34and I've got one of my agonising pains.

36:38Where is it?

36:39In my shoulder blade.

36:41Here.

36:42Let me give it a rub.

36:46I don't mean to be difficult.

36:48Yes, you do.

36:50Is that why you've got your own place?

36:52Because I can be difficult?

36:53I told you.

36:54I want sex on tap.

36:56Can't have that living with you and Auntie Vi.

36:57Give away you.

36:59How's that?

37:02Oh, much better.

37:04Thank you, love.

37:09How did he look?

37:10The man who died on my carpet.

37:12Very good.

37:13Extremely well turned out by Ogden and Ogden.

37:16Undertakers of the best do the best.

37:18It's good of you to pay for.

37:19Oh, he's my father.

37:23This.

37:25All this.

37:27It's made me think about him.

37:30I thought I'd stop for good in 1970,

37:32but now it's all come back,

37:33repeating on me like Brussels sprouts.

37:36Was he really like a butterfly?

37:38A butterfly?

37:40What are you on about?

37:41Auntie Vi said he was like a butterfly.

37:42Oh, trust her.

37:43More like a bee than a butterfly.

37:48He was always in a tearing hurry.

37:51But not to marry.

37:52Well, that's because he'd been married before

37:53and he didn't really take to it.

37:56I've often wondered if he ran away from her, too.

37:59I mean, wives dotted about England.

38:01Lots of little Hollingsworths.

38:02And abroad.

38:03He travelled a lot.

38:05Imagine.

38:06I wonder why he came to the house.

38:10Oh, suppose it was pure accident.

38:16I read one of your books, liked it,

38:18and came to tell you.

38:19Maybe he saw the portrait of my mother

38:21over the fireplace and recognised it.

38:23And the shock killed him?

38:24Mind you, he wasn't a great reader.

38:26I never saw him with a book

38:28in all the years I knew him.

38:29He didn't like books?

38:30We like to see them, but not read them.

38:34That's why I was so pleased

38:35when we couldn't get your nose out of a book.

38:37You wanted me to be different.

38:39Too true.

38:39Is that why you always insisted

38:41I finish anything I started?

38:43Yes.

38:44It used to annoy me.

38:45Now it makes sense.

38:46You accept your responsibilities.

38:49Yeah, you hammered that into me.

38:50I wanted to be carefree,

38:51but you were always there to stop me.

38:53Carefree is for children.

38:55Well, that was when I wanted to be carefree,

38:56when I had the excuse.

38:57You were never a child.

38:59You were born a little old man with glasses.

39:03Oh, these are his rings, mother.

39:07And his watch.

39:08Take them.

39:10Look, go on.

39:11He owes you something.

39:13I don't want them, Tony.

39:15You keep them.

39:16It was a gold signet ring

39:17with an H on it.

39:20Topaz, diamond, and ruby.

39:24Bit showy.

39:25It could be.

39:26I was remembering...

39:27How strange.

39:32You can know someone so well

39:34and they look at you with strangers' eyes.

39:38Tell me everything about him, mother, please.

39:40What good will it do?

39:42I want to know.

39:43I'm tired of writing stories about him.

39:46When you don't know,

39:47your dreams stop me dreaming.

39:48But you're my son.

39:51You might be Howard Hollingsworth's progeny,

39:54but you're my son.

39:56I carried you in my body

39:58for eight and a half months.

39:59I raised you, guided you.

40:01Me.

40:01All he did was some hectic activity

40:06on a rainy afternoon

40:08that left the bed shaking

40:09and me looking at the flowered ceiling

40:11and wondering what I was going to have for me tea.

40:14You mean just once?

40:16He was like that.

40:18His attention soon wandered.

40:22He was an odd one, that man I married.

40:26He was the only man I ever loved.

40:28I had this store of love

40:32and I gave it all to him.

40:34There wasn't any left for anyone else.

40:37I couldn't help myself.

40:41Silly woman.

40:43Not silly at all.

40:44I was afraid if you knew too much about him,

40:47you'd try to copy him.

40:49I didn't want to lose you.

40:54It's no good.

40:55That carpet'll have to go.

40:57Mother.

40:57I can't get over him dying here.

41:06One thing about death,

41:08it makes animosities and resentment

41:11seem so trivial.

41:14I can finally think of that man

41:17without hurting.

41:19Tell me about him.

41:21What do you want to know?

41:24So she told me.

41:26It took four hours

41:29and I knew all about him.

41:33I felt bereaved.

41:36But not because he was my father and he was dead,

41:38but because he wasn't a hero at all.

41:40This man who died on our carpet.

41:43He was quite ordinary.

41:45Full of flaws you could ride a bike through.

41:47I don't think we'd have got on.

41:48Worse than that,

41:50I don't think I'd have liked him.

41:52I knew I'd have liked her.

41:55I've wasted enough time wondering about you, Dad.

41:59You're not important.

42:00I am.

42:01And I've got me for life,

42:02so it's about time I sorted myself out.

42:05Bye now, Dad.

42:07Beam him up, Scotty.

42:08Give us a hand with the new carpet, Tony.

42:14What do you think?

42:17Tasteful, isn't it?

42:18Very nice.

42:19I do like brown.

42:20I've always liked brown.

42:22When will you be taking the old one?

42:24I don't think I'll bother.

42:26Now, Tony,

42:27you must make up your own mind about your...

42:30that man.

42:31My flat's too small to take the carpet.

42:34Hey, come here.

42:36Oh, a hug!

42:37At this hour?

42:38And I didn't have to ask for it.

42:40Wait till I tell our vie.

42:42Where are you off to?

42:44I thought I'd go to Formby.

42:46Take a walk on the beach.

42:47Looking for spaceships.

42:48Oh, honestly, Tony.

42:50I'll keep looking at the sky.

42:51You.

42:52You've been looking for spaceships all your life.

42:55You're as bad as our vie.

42:58She does make forays into the Guinness, you know.

43:00Doesn't do her any harm.

43:01I haven't looked for a spaceship in my entire life.

43:04It's always the first time, Mum.

43:05I've got better things to do than...

43:07Come a walk.

43:09Look at the sky with me.

43:11You used to say that when you were little.

43:14Come a walk, Mummy, you'd say.

43:17And you never came?

43:19I was too busy.

43:21You can miss a lot being busy.

43:25It'll take me ten minutes to get ready.

43:28Only ten?

43:29Go on with you.

43:32Fifteen, then.

43:38In On the Carpet by Eve Ward,

43:41Tony was played by Martin Jarvis,

43:43Maud by Barbara Lott,

43:45and Vi by Pat Coombs.

43:48The sergeant was Martin Reeve,

43:50the morgue attendant James Tomlinson,

43:52and the undertaker John Branwell.

43:54On the Carpet was directed in Manchester

43:57by Kay Patrick.

43:58The man who was introduced in Manchester,

44:03the Freeman's

44:13the man who was in this gebast of life.

44:16He made a movie.

44:17He made a movie.

44:17The man who was in the lake,

44:18of the incident,

44:19and the man who was in the lake.

44:20Because the man who from here was a man,

44:22the men who was in the lake.

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