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00:00I'm telling you, sir, I live right there.
00:09I need proof.
00:10I don't have any proof.
00:11I just moved in.
00:11Hey, hey, what's going on?
00:13Oh, hey, okay.
00:14Don't freak out, Ys, but there seems to have been a very light stabbing on our block.
00:19Billy stabs the mirror over the hospital well.
00:22No.
00:23What?
00:23No.
00:24No?
00:24But that's sisters.
00:25Ultimately, that's sisters.
00:26You know, I mean, I don't have sisters, but I assume that's what they're like.
00:29Of course.
00:30Oh, hi.
00:31How are you?
00:32Oh, my God.
00:32How does he know everyone?
00:35Oh, hey, Kurt.
00:36Kurt.
00:37Yeah, they're good.
00:38They're with me.
00:39You can let them in.
00:41Seriously?
00:41I'd hang these up around the neighborhood.
00:46What?
00:48Oh, my God.
00:51You're kidding me.
00:55How does he know everyone?
00:57When I think backless dress, I really do think, Doreen, you should be wearing this more often.
01:02Anton?
01:04Have you seen this man?
01:06Oh.
01:07Oh, him.
01:09Oh.
01:11Wow.
01:11Doreen?
01:12Doreen, you have to come see this.
01:13This is crazy.
01:15I'm in a poster.
01:16Oh.
01:17It's not exciting.
01:18Doreen, you're going to want to see this, my love.
01:21Is this going to take way longer?
01:42One more second.
01:44Okay?
01:44No, Samir, I'm not angry at you.
01:46Okay, but I get if you are.
01:48Like, you trusted me and my dumb ass got you in, like, 15 grand of medical debt.
01:52And is it the biggest number I've ever seen in my real life?
01:55Yes, but that's okay.
01:56I have no job.
01:57I'm at rock bottom.
01:59Is that the end of the sentence?
02:01But I feel excited, you know?
02:02Like, for the first time in my life, there are no expectations.
02:05I can do anything.
02:06I might buy a vape.
02:07We don't know.
02:08Okay, well, I'm going to get you the money.
02:11No, Samir, you're not going to get me 15.
02:13Yeah, obviously.
02:13It's, I have to.
02:15It's the least I could do.
02:17Okay, we're starting.
02:18We're starting my thing.
02:18So, let me get it.
02:19My thanks to Paul Baker for setting up AirPlay.
02:22Your film studies minor was not in vain.
02:25Thank you, thank you.
02:26Okay, so sexy.
02:27So, to start with your most pressing questions.
02:31Yes.
02:32I met the Bayside Stabber.
02:34And yes, we had a really lovely conversation on the F train.
02:38And yeah, he sent me these texts afterwards, which are, frankly, so nice and non-stabby.
02:42So, let's just take a look.
02:44Um, okay.
02:46Uh, oh, oh, okay, okay.
02:48Who is Brianna Acupuncture Student?
02:51Sorry, sorry.
02:52That's, that's, that's, it's not him.
02:53That's not him.
02:54Who's Leather Jacket Newsies Chorus?
02:56I think it was further back.
02:57Oh, yeah.
02:58Bobby Backpack, what's the story there?
03:00Look for, like, train.
03:02When you don't respond to my text, this, seeing this makes me feel a lot worse.
03:05We have a gorgeous dialogue over text.
03:07I'm so far down in this.
03:10No, you're...
03:12Oh, that's deep.
03:13That's deep.
03:14You're responding to Ghostbusters Librarian, and I don't get a text back.
03:18Oh, shit.
03:19I forgot to return the book.
03:21Anton the Stabber!
03:23Okay, now, this is the Stabber.
03:24Okay.
03:25This is him.
03:25Anton, I miss you already.
03:27You are a light in this world.
03:29The Stabber sent this to you?
03:30Yeah.
03:30What'd you say back?
03:31Just, like, nothing.
03:33Anton, move.
03:34Anton, move.
03:34Please.
03:35Just move.
03:35Sidestep, please.
03:39I'm serious about making paellas.
03:41This is the season of us.
03:43Oh, my God.
03:43Anton.
03:44What?
03:44You are such a friend slut.
03:46Okay, ow.
03:48No, seriously.
03:49You just have this thing where you have to make people feel like the most important person
03:52in the world, so they fall in love with you, and then you ultimately forget about them.
03:56That is not true, Issa.
03:58Okay, I treasure my people.
04:00You have 400 unread text messages.
04:02No, it's 4,000 usually.
04:04Yeah, it's 4,000.
04:04It's just the zero gets cut off.
04:05Seriously, Anton.
04:07You can't just soul bond with every person you meet.
04:09It's not normal.
04:10Uh, why not?
04:11Uh, because some people stab people.
04:14Yeah.
04:14Okay, you guys are being dramatic.
04:15It's not like it's an ongoing conversation.
04:17He's not following up with me.
04:18What?
04:20He just liked it.
04:20What'd he call that?
04:21Okay, so what?
04:23He hearted a message.
04:24And now he's typing.
04:25He's typing!
04:25What?
04:26He's typing!
04:27He's typing!
04:27Block him!
04:28Block him!
04:28He's typing!
04:29Look, see?
04:31And it's gone.
04:32You guys, breathe, okay?
04:34Please, the text went away.
04:35It's all fine.
04:36I promise.
04:38What?
04:38What?
04:39No!
04:40He's calling you!
04:41What?
04:42He's calling you!
04:43He's calling you!
04:43He's calling you!
04:44He's calling you!
04:44What?
04:45He's calling you!
04:45What?
04:45What?
04:46Oh, my God.
04:49You just missed the call, and you cracked my screen.
04:51Oh.
04:53Your call has been forwarded to it.
05:12Cold closet.
05:16Hey.
05:17Yo.
05:17Where's everyone?
05:19I think they all went to the police station with Anton.
05:21Dude, crazy that he knows the stabber.
05:24Is he just always like that?
05:25Like, is he always just so friendly?
05:27Yes, it's a problem.
05:28We think his parents took him to, like, too many dinner parties when he was a kid.
05:31Okay.
05:35Holy fuck!
05:36What?
05:37Oh.
05:38Oh.
05:39You okay?
05:40All right.
05:41What the fuck?
05:43Has that been here the whole time?
05:44I don't know.
05:45I guess.
05:45I guess.
05:46I guess.
05:46I guess.
05:46I guess.
05:46I guess.
05:47I don't know.
05:47I guess.
05:47I don't know.
05:48This is not...
05:49We're not like a gunny family.
05:49It looks pretty gunny to me, dude.
05:51No.
05:51I know.
05:51You just moved in here.
05:52This is not the vibe of the house.
05:54Okay.
05:55I have actually never seen one in person before.
05:57It makes me want to throw up.
05:58I'm going to fucking throw it out.
05:59We can't throw it out.
06:00Dude, what if the stabber gets it?
06:01No, dude.
06:02We have to, uh...
06:03Oh, we can take it to a buyback.
06:05Yeah.
06:05What's your buyback?
06:06I got a gun store.
06:06You can take the gun to a gun store,
06:08and they will buy it back from you
06:09for, like, a chunk of cash.
06:12We can go together, if you want.
06:15Okay.
06:15Yeah?
06:16Okay.
06:16Okay, great.
06:16Yeah, yeah.
06:17Sweet.
06:17Oh, sorry.
06:18Sorry.
06:22Do you find the police and all,
06:24but they, like, need to shush this place up?
06:26It's so depressing.
06:28Yeah.
06:28It's just so...
06:29Yeah, it really glides on the page.
06:32Do you know what I mean by gliding?
06:33Like, it really...
06:34Wait, what the heck?
06:35Oh, my God.
06:41Jailbait?
06:41How are you?
06:42No, I know, but I told you,
06:44I'm trying to explore a little.
06:47Like, okay, I am done with the version of me
06:49who asks boring guys to choke me
06:51and then says, what?
06:52Just kidding.
06:52Like, I want to live my 20s a little.
06:56Is that crazy?
06:57No!
06:58You've arrived.
07:00I'm so happy.
07:01I couldn't agree more.
07:02Seriously, like, you're between jobs.
07:04This is your time to start fucking like your grandchildren.
07:07We'll hear about it one day.
07:08Okay.
07:08Mind wipe?
07:09Yeah?
07:10I do want my grandchildren to think of me sexually.
07:12Gone from my brain.
07:13Never heard it.
07:15Give me your phone.
07:16Okay.
07:17I'm gonna put you on field.
07:19This was amazing for my whore phase.
07:21Really?
07:21Mm-hmm.
07:22Before I met Paul Baker,
07:23this is how I met the Brazilian couple.
07:25Oh, Lucas and Sophia.
07:26Yeah, so hot.
07:28And, oh my God, Joe with the leash.
07:30Joe with the leash?
07:31I know, but don't.
07:33He never walks you.
07:34Hi.
07:35Um, so apparently they want me to give a statement.
07:37What?
07:38Really?
07:38Ugh.
07:39Why must I become embroiled?
07:41Because you are a friend slut.
07:43Because you're a big slutty friend slut
07:44who needs everyone to be obsessed with you.
07:46That's not true.
07:47I don't need you guys to be obsessed with me.
07:48That's because you know we're obsessed with you.
07:50And whose fault is that?
07:52Mr. Evans, we're ready for you.
07:54Oh, my God.
07:55Okay, earrings.
07:56Yes!
07:56Oh, thanks.
07:58I made them myself.
07:59What?
08:00Wow, you and I are gonna go to Shark Tank, girl.
08:02Mark Cuban suddenly in.
08:03We're in tears.
08:04I took this class for a while.
08:06Friend.
08:07Slat.
08:09Get back here.
08:10Come on.
08:10Which way, baby?
08:11Ooh, how do you feel about firemen?
08:13Oh, no, sorry.
08:14There's a comma.
08:15How do you feel about fire and also men?
08:18Yeah.
08:20I can't.
08:23Yes, we can't.
08:24Yes, we can't.
08:24We can't.
08:25We got this.
08:25We can't do anything.
08:26We look like we're fucking J. Crew Columbine.
08:28I don't want this shit.
08:28Okay, just let me talk.
08:31I'll handle this.
08:31Okay.
08:31All right?
08:32Okay.
08:32Okay.
08:33I'll chill in the fucking grenade aisle.
08:35Okay.
08:35Yeah.
08:38Hey, bud.
08:39Hi.
08:40How are you?
08:40Name's Paul Baker.
08:41It's nice to meet you.
08:42Look, my buddy over there.
08:44My buddy with the flag.
08:45That's him.
08:46He's going through it right now.
08:47Found his dad's shotgun.
08:48In the old coat closet.
08:50Problem is, he's not a 007 man like yourself.
08:55And so we're just trying to figure out a way to sell this bad boy back to you.
08:59You know, a.k.a.
08:59A little buyback.
09:00I'm sure you're familiar.
09:01You know?
09:02So what do you say about that one, huh, big guy?
09:03Could you help us out with that?
09:07Why are you talking to me like I'm retarded?
09:09Oh.
09:13No, I wasn't.
09:14No, the.
09:15We actually don't use that word anymore.
09:17Like at all, sir.
09:18I.
09:19The cast of Kalee kind of edited that through the power of song.
09:22So.
09:22What?
09:23Retarded?
09:24Oh.
09:24My sister's retarded.
09:26Do you got a sister who's retarded?
09:27Just give me one.
09:28One second.
09:29Hey, dude.
09:30We can't do this.
09:31I.
09:31We gotta go.
09:32What do you mean?
09:32I don't know.
09:33Dude, that's never happened to me before.
09:34I think that went like.
09:35What?
09:36Bad.
09:36I don't know.
09:38Okay, well, I'm not leaving the gun store with a gun.
09:39We're gonna look insane.
09:40No.
09:40I can't tell it to this man.
09:41I don't, I don't know what.
09:42Peter Baker, you're a charming ass man.
09:44Hmm.
09:45And I didn't want to say this before, but I need this money for Billy.
09:49For her medical bills?
09:51Yeah.
09:52Fuck.
09:53Okay.
09:54Oh, shit.
09:55Okay.
09:55Okay.
09:56Yeah.
09:56We got this.
09:56Totally.
09:57We got this.
09:57You and me.
09:58All right.
10:00Oh, you're just gonna.
10:01I'm just gonna hang out here.
10:02Okay.
10:03Okay.
10:04Hey, brother.
10:04My man.
10:06Uh, I feel like I condescended towards you before, and for that, I'm very sorry.
10:10I don't know what that was.
10:11I'd be a Canadian thing, but if we could just start over, I'm just trying to sell this
10:15gun back.
10:16I don't know what that was.
10:18What's with the nail polish?
10:20You a fruitcake or something?
10:21Am I a fruitcake?
10:23Am I a fruitcake?
10:27No.
10:29No, I'm not a fruitcake.
10:30No, that is, um, no.
10:33Huh.
10:33Because I was gonna say, if you were a little fruity, I'd get your number and buy your gun.
10:38Um, oh.
10:42Oh, you're, okay, yeah.
10:44I am fruity.
10:45I don't, yeah.
10:46I, I personally don't usually describe it like that.
10:48I usually say, like, fluid, mostly, but I, yeah, I am a fruitcake.
10:51Are you lying to me right now?
10:52No, sir.
10:53You quibating me?
10:54We're baiting.
10:54No, what is the spectrum of your language?
10:57No, I, hey, Samir.
10:59Samir, tell this guy I sleep with men.
11:01I'm.
11:03This guy?
11:04No, this guy.
11:06But if anything, he's homophobic.
11:08No, I'm not.
11:08I'm not homophobic.
11:09I heard you before.
11:10I was like, fruity what?
11:11Because I haven't, we don't.
11:13Get the hell out of my store.
11:16Yes, sir.
11:17He sleeps with men.
11:18He does it all.
11:19It's not, it's not, it's over.
11:24So, at this point, you and the suspect exited the train and made dinner plans?
11:31Is that right?
11:32Yeah, that's right.
11:33And not just one dinner, but, quote, weekly dinners every Sunday.
11:39No, literally every Sunday.
11:41I don't care if it's Christmas, we are getting dinner that Sunday.
11:46Yeah, that's correct.
11:47And then you exchanged numbers and asked, quote,
11:51can white people and black people be twins?
11:54Someone called NASA.
11:56I feel like we're literally twins.
11:59Yeah, and what, uh, what's the question?
12:02Is it normal for you to act this way towards complete strangers?
12:06Uh-huh.
12:07Uh-huh.
12:08Okay, I see where you could get confused there.
12:10So, um, let me explain.
12:11So, I feel like for the average person in society,
12:14they sort of need to turn on and off.
12:17Right?
12:17Like, on, and then they're off.
12:20And I have this fun little thing where I, um, I don't have that problem.
12:26No.
12:27So, I can really make a deep, close, beautiful bond with anyone, really.
12:32All walks of life.
12:33Yeah.
12:34Which some people might call a friend slut.
12:36But I actually call just being a delight.
12:41So.
12:42But that's, that's me.
12:44Tell me about yourselves, please.
12:47Okay.
12:48So, you feel close to this man.
12:51Which?
12:52The perpetrator.
12:53Oh, yes.
12:54Oh, my God.
12:54You should have said that.
12:55100%.
12:55Yeah.
12:56You have a deep, intimate connection with this man.
13:00Yeah, very much so.
13:01Definitely.
13:01Bring him in.
13:07Hmm?
13:07Who?
13:07Yes, bring him in.
13:08Get in here.
13:11Who are these men?
13:16Which one's the perpetrator?
13:19Out of, out of these?
13:21Mm-hmm.
13:24It's just hard when they all look so similar.
13:31Ooh, what about Davis?
13:36He's into foot stuff, bondage, piss play.
13:40Oh, and he's close to his twin.
13:41Aw.
13:44Okay, very close.
13:47Oh, you liked it.
13:48Oh, my God.
13:49It's a connection.
13:50Okay, can you win, Field?
13:51Yeah, you can.
13:52It's the Space Mountain picture.
13:53Yeah, I know.
13:54My boobs are just like, uh, I know.
13:55Yeah.
13:56Hmm.
13:57Seriously, one of the guys on here is going to give you such an insane dick town, you won't
14:03even remember that you're sad, jobless, and in debt.
14:06Hmm?
14:07Mm-hmm.
14:09Hi.
14:10Hey, I'm Anton's friend.
14:11Is he home?
14:12Um, no, but he should be home any minute.
14:14Do you want to come wait inside?
14:18Hey, put your phone down.
14:19It's happening.
14:20What is?
14:21You're going to fuck this man.
14:21What?
14:24Wow.
14:24You know your mailbox is really full.
14:30Oh, yeah.
14:32Yeah, we're kind of like saving that for like a weekend project, so.
14:37He's so good.
14:38I know.
14:39You literally manifest.
14:40Yeah, I'm fine.
14:41Um, do you want to sit down?
14:42Uh, sure.
14:43Please, come on.
14:45Oh, wow, so strong.
14:48Hi, Billy.
14:51Ethan.
14:52So, how do you know Anton?
14:53Oh, uh, he's my best friend in the world.
14:58Yeah, isn't he everybody's?
15:01Um, uh, wine?
15:06Sure.
15:07You know, I want you to feel at home.
15:09I want you to relax.
15:10We also have some weed as well as some PCP that we've been saving for a very special night.
15:14No, I did it once.
15:15I had the most productive night of my life.
15:16Oh, my God, hey.
15:18Oh, man, hi, sweetie.
15:19Hi.
15:20Oh, hi.
15:21Anton.
15:22Have we?
15:23I'm so sorry.
15:23Have we met?
15:24Anton, it's Ethan.
15:26I don't...
15:27Your friend, Ethan.
15:29Oh, my God.
15:30He does this.
15:31Okay, he makes friends with everyone he needs, but now it's become this whole thing.
15:35Anton?
15:37Is everything okay?
15:40Sorry.
15:41I just have to use the restroom.
15:43Okay, he has a very small bladder.
15:49Absolutely ginormous.
15:50Wait, so where are you from?
16:02You ask, you ask.
16:03I did the last one.
16:04No.
16:04Please.
16:05No.
16:05Hi, do you guys want to purchase a shotgun?
16:07Shotgun?
16:08No way.
16:09My friend, big gun, good price.
16:11Don't tell the guy in there about us.
16:15What's up?
16:16Anton wants us to bring home gum.
16:18Hmm.
16:20Yeah, I got some.
16:21Okay, sick.
16:22That would have been, like, a whole thing.
16:26Miss, shotgun?
16:27Ah!
16:27Oh, fuck.
16:30Sorry.
16:30Tight, tight, tight jacket.
16:37Oh, my God, Billy, look at these offers.
16:39Wow, I love your tattoos.
16:40I was literally thinking about getting one.
16:42Did it hurt?
16:43I don't know.
16:44I didn't really feel pain.
16:46Wow.
16:46Wait, that's so real.
16:50Hey, Billy.
16:51Billy.
16:52Hey, Billy.
16:52Oh, fuck.
16:54Oh, fuck.
16:55Oh, fuck.
16:56Oh, fuck.
16:56Oh, fuck.
16:57Oh, fuck.
16:58Oh, fuck.
16:58Oh, fuck.
16:59Oh, fuck.
17:01Yeah, yeah.
17:12Anton?
17:13Mm-hmm.
17:14Are you still making me paella?
17:16Duh!
17:18What?
17:20Um, can I talk to you guys for a second?
17:22Yeah, you too.
17:23Would be great.
17:23Yep, let me steal you away.
17:25Come with me.
17:25Tina?
17:26Yep, right now.
17:27Hey!
17:27Jeez.
17:29Right now, girls.
17:30We're going to be right back.
17:32Follow me.
17:36Stop.
17:36Stop.
17:37Stop.
17:37Stop.
17:38Stop.
17:38Oh, my God.
17:39Oh, God.
17:40Oh, God.
17:40Oh, God.
17:40His eyes are like popping.
17:41Get in the car.
17:42Get into the car.
17:43Jesus Christ, Anton.
17:44Okay?
17:45God.
17:47He's so hot.
17:48I know.
17:48Anton, what are you doing?
17:50Billy is trying to fuck that guy.
17:51Believe me?
17:51Okay, she's not.
17:52Okay, no.
17:52Listen.
17:53Hi, um, we're at 803 Forest Street.
17:55Um, the Bayside Stabber is sitting on my couch.
17:57What are you talking about?
18:00Uh-huh.
18:00Sir, how did they get into your house?
18:02Oh, my God.
18:03What?
18:03I may have let him follow me on Find My Friends, and for that, I am so deeply sorry.
18:07You have a problem, Anton!
18:08Okay, you might be right.
18:09No, not you.
18:10No, please.
18:10No, I feel a connection with you.
18:12Already.
18:12Yep.
18:12Oh, my God!
18:14Why are you like this?
18:17Anton!
18:19No, no, no, no.
18:20He's coming.
18:21He's coming.
18:21He's coming.
18:21He's coming.
18:21He's coming.
18:21He's coming.
18:22He's coming.
18:22He's coming.
18:23It's Sunday, man.
18:24We doing dinner or what?
18:25Tell him to leave, Anton.
18:27Seriously, he's a stabber.
18:28You can let him hate you.
18:29Okay, okay, yeah.
18:32Are you guys heading out?
18:33Yes.
18:34I'll come with.
18:35Yeah, totally.
18:36Hop in.
18:37Stop.
18:37Lock the door.
18:39He's getting in the car now, so.
18:40No, I don't want him to get in the car.
18:42Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
18:43Come on, please.
18:44Hey, can you pop the trunk?
18:46Oh, my God.
18:47I've got this bag, and I don't want to.
18:48Hey, he's not your friend.
18:49You can tell him he's not your friend.
18:50I obviously can't do that, Isa.
18:52Yes, you can.
18:52I believe in you.
18:53We believe in you, don't we?
18:55Tell him.
18:56Tell him, Anton.
18:58Tell.
18:59Anton?
19:01Anton.
19:01Anton, what are you doing?
19:02Do not run over this man, Anton.
19:04Do not run over this man, Anton.
19:06No, no, no, do not run over this man.
19:12What did you do?
19:17Are you crazy?
19:19Something in me is broken.
19:21I just need to be everything for everyone,
19:23and now I just killed a man.
19:28I'm so tired.
19:29I'm so tired.
19:30I'm so fucking tired.
19:31I'm so fucking tired.
19:31Oh, my God.
19:32I am so...
19:33What the fuck, dude?
19:34Oh, my God.
19:35Thank God.
19:36Okay, fucking do it.
19:37Just do it.
19:41Hey, um...
19:43I...
19:45I don't want to be friends with you.
19:50I'm really sorry.
19:54You could have just said that.
19:58Totally.
19:58Don't go.
20:02Please!
20:03Go, go, go, go.
20:05Officer, he's over there.
20:06That's him, officer.
20:07He's standing over there.
20:08I'm so sorry.
20:10What's going on?
20:11Unbelievably sorry about it.
20:12He ran into the alley.
20:14There's a man there.
20:15We got a visual on the baseline stabber.
20:16He's a suit.
20:17Taste him hard.
20:18He doesn't feel pain.
20:19Wait, what?
20:20That's the stabber?
20:21I know.
20:22Yeah.
20:22And Billy almost fucked him.
20:24But it was too much too fast.
20:26Yeah, way too much.
20:26Yeah.
20:27Fucking a stabber is like a nine.
20:28You want to start at like a six.
20:30Yeah, a six or a five.
20:31Ooh, a five.
20:32Yeah.
20:32Yeah.
20:34Give me your phone.
20:36Give it.
20:39Okay.
20:40Ready?
20:42Red shirt, tall guy.
20:44Delete.
20:46Michelle elevator.
20:47Delete.
20:47Delete.
20:48Bye, Michelle.
20:50Scarf guy, kind eyes.
20:51No, keep.
20:52No, keep.
20:52Kind.
20:53He's kind.
20:53That doesn't mean anything.
20:54Delete.
20:56Joe with the leash.
20:56Oh my God, you know Joe with the leash?
20:57Yeah, but he never walks you.
20:59That is correct.
21:00Delete.
21:01Okay.
21:02Wait, so what happened to you guys?
21:03Oh yeah, what did happen to you guys?
21:05Oh, it's like a, don't even worry about it.
21:07Oh, dang.
21:09Okay, flight attendant straight?
21:12Delete.
21:12Why would you keep us straight, man?
21:14No, dude, he's hot.
21:15Oh, too bad.
21:16Dude.
21:16Man.
21:17I suddenly, I almost get stabbed and I become a bro.
21:19That can happen after a traumatic incident.
21:21Oh, Anton, I got your gum.
21:24Yeah, I did.
21:28And I'm dead.
21:33I got tired.
21:34Just getting off my feet that day.
21:38I had to walk and run.
21:39I try to have a green day.
21:42Yeah.
21:42Yeah.
21:42Yeah.
21:43Ha ha, good at business.
22:13I'm optimistic.
22:15I'm really going to happen.
22:21I'm sad.