Since The FTC & DOJ Ruled That Google Must Share Their Search Data

Cracked

If Google Was Honest #shorts #google #antitrust #ftc #doj #ai #parody #funny #youtubeshorts

Transcript

00:00I'm Roger Horton, CEO of Hortgol.

00:02Lately, if you've tried to search, let's say,

00:05best authentic taco restaurant near me,

00:07you may have gotten some interesting results,

00:10like an AI-generated taco recipe,

00:13or an ad for taco shell.

00:15And then you may have searched alternative search engines

00:18to Hortgol and found none,

00:20because we've killed them all.

00:23Like the angel unto his flock,

00:25I want to assure you, be not afraid.

00:29Aquarius is here.

00:31We here at Hortgol are committed to bringing you

00:34the absolute best search results that are tailored to you.

00:39That's why we've been data scraping

00:40every little thing you've ever used,

00:42from your searches, to your phone calls,

00:44to your emails, to your photo galleries.

00:46We even used your Google Docs

00:48to train our little robo-puppets,

00:50all to make Aquarius AI.

00:52Aquarius is our AI search engine add-on of the future.

00:57That's right, AI is the future, dummy.

01:00And don't try to fight it, or you'll just get left behind.

01:03Oops, did I mention we also scraped data

01:06from your quote-unquote incognito searches?

01:09Sorry, not sorry about that.

01:11You disgusting little pervert.

01:14Aw, what's wrong?

01:15You missed the kindly butler guy.

01:17Like I said, we killed him.

01:19He's kidding, but we didn't slave him.

01:24He's somewhere in one of our data mines,

01:26scraping the information from a video on how to hotwire a car.

01:29You see, we made it fundamentally impossible

01:31for any other search engine to thrive.

01:33We signed multi-billion dollar deals with other tech companies

01:38to be their default search engine

01:40and the search engine that was preloaded

01:43into the devices they sold.

01:45We shut our competitors out of the market.

01:48And while we did that, we collected more and more data,

01:51making us the biggest and best search engine anyways.

01:55So even if someone wanted to compete,

01:57they wouldn't dare try to.

01:58With virtually no other competition,

02:00we were able to jack up the prices on our ads.

02:03That's right, the majority of our revenue is ad revenue.

02:06You think we do this shit for free,

02:09out of the goodness of our little hearts?

02:10Well, my heart's huge, and I should see a doctor about that.

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