- 5/9/2025
Jeff Garlin, known by many for his role as Jeff Greene on Curb Your Enthusiasm, returns to his hometown and his comedy roots for his first hour-long special.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00My wife is not my soulmate.
00:07She's not.
00:09I love her. I'm not going anywhere.
00:11But she's not my soulmate.
00:13I don't think your soulmate should be constantly disappointed in you.
00:30My wife.
00:50By the way, when I talk about my wife, I'm not talking about my TV wife.
00:54I'm not really married to her.
00:56My real wife would never call me a fat fuck.
01:00But I know, oh, I'm positive that she thinks it.
01:05Because I'll be getting in the shower and she'll be looking at me and I'll go, what?
01:09Nothing.
01:10I know what she's thinking.
01:13So she's always after me to do stuff.
01:16Look, I mean, I pick up my socks.
01:18I don't pee on the toilet seat.
01:20I do the dishes.
01:22I'm not talking about that stuff that anyone can do if they just have a little consideration, you know.
01:26I'm talking about fixing stuff.
01:28Well, I can't fix anything.
01:31I mean, the TiVo, I can unplug it and wait 10 seconds and plug it back in and reset it.
01:36And I know a lot about my Mac, an Apple computer.
01:39I know that stuff.
01:41But fixing, well, let me get to the point.
01:44She wants me to caulk.
01:45She's got me, she's got me, the shower needs to be caulked.
01:49What do I know from caulking?
01:50Caulk it.
01:51I don't know how to caulk.
01:53Well, you're going to caulk.
01:54It's a tube.
01:54There's instructions.
01:55Just caulk.
01:56Get a plumber to caulk.
01:58I'll pay.
01:59Like I make her pay for household expenses.
02:04You know, you take care of groceries, plumbing, and roofing.
02:08I'll take care of the chimney.
02:10You see?
02:13So, caulk, there's caulk there.
02:16So, one day we're filming very late.
02:21I didn't get home until like 2.30 in the morning.
02:22I'm really tired.
02:23I go into my bathroom.
02:25There's a tube of caulk on the counter with a note that says,
02:28caulk, fucker.
02:31Which, you know, I got the message.
02:35It's like, you know, caulk or leave, you know.
02:38So, I start caulking.
02:40And you know what's crazy?
02:40I'm loving it.
02:42I'm loving caulking.
02:45I'm caulking Johnson.
02:46I can't stop.
02:49Now, this has nothing to do with the story, but I want to let you know,
02:51the next morning, it was discovered that I did a terrible job.
02:55And we had to pay a plumber to come and dig out my crap and redo the whole thing,
03:00which costs more, you know.
03:02All right.
03:03So, I caulk.
03:06Back to the part of the story that matters.
03:08I caulk.
03:09And I go, I know, let it dry.
03:12And I go into my kid's bathroom.
03:15I take a shower there.
03:16I come back in.
03:17I'm very quiet.
03:18I'm very respectful.
03:19By the way, my family, when I sleep, they could give a shit.
03:23They're sleeping.
03:24I'm a little ballerina.
03:26All right.
03:27That's not doing that.
03:27All right.
03:27So, but it just occurred to me, like, what did I do?
03:31You know, when you're a father, you're like third.
03:34You know?
03:36It's like, you know, you're kids, your wife, and then, you're not even third.
03:41You're not even considered.
03:42Fuck me.
03:43All right.
03:44Um.
03:46Never mind.
03:47No, really.
03:48No, when, they don't treat, they treat me like shit.
03:50Come on.
03:51I know they love me, but they don't show it.
03:53I mean, they do, but they really, they, all right.
03:58It's all good.
03:59I love them.
04:00All right.
04:01So, I go to, back to the thing.
04:02I'm quiet.
04:03I got to brush my teeth.
04:05Suddenly, my lip starts swelling up and blowing up, and I'm like, oh, my God.
04:10And I grab the tube, and I run downstairs, and I call the poison hotline, and I say, hey,
04:17I've got some caulk in my mouth, and they hung up on me.
04:28Now, understand, I didn't have a clue as to why they hung up.
04:32I have no idea.
04:33I'm like, why would they hang up on me?
04:36So, I call back, and as if I'm talking to the same person, they answer.
04:41I go, no, really.
04:42I've got some caulk in my mouth, and they hang up on me.
04:48And I'm like, why would they, oh, caulk.
04:54I call back again, and very slowly, I say, hi, I have, I, by accident, got some caulk in my mouth.
05:06And the guy was gay.
05:07It was very clear.
05:08How'd you get caulk in your mouth?
05:10I told him the whole story.
05:12He had me read the ingredients.
05:14He goes, you're going to be fine.
05:15No problem.
05:16And then I tell him what happens.
05:18You know, I said, you know, I got hung up with her, the whole thing.
05:20And he says to me, he goes, they don't know the subtleties of the word.
05:23Last time I was in town, I went to get a massage, and she left me alone in the room, and I went to get on the table, and the table collapsed.
05:41First off, yes, that's never happened to me, but I've never even heard of that happening to anyone.
05:53And how fat am I?
05:54I mean, I mean, I was just putting my hand down, and then on the way down, I farted.
06:01And what's fascinating about this, listen to this, when I went to get on the table, I did not have to fart.
06:09So that's your body's reaction to falling naked.
06:18Yeah, falling naked is just not enjoyable.
06:21And you fart, and I'm on the ground, and I, oh man.
06:27So I grabbed a sheet, and I covered my wiener.
06:30Well, my feeling is this, I mean, she's going to come back in because she heard something.
06:35It's loud when you do that.
06:39Okay, her table's broken.
06:41It doesn't smell so good.
06:44Does she need to see my wiener?
06:46No, she does not.
06:48So I covered it.
06:49I covered my wiener.
06:52So I was in Nashville.
06:54I went to dinner with a friend of mine, and the waiter's seating us, and he gives us our menus.
06:59And he says, you look familiar.
07:03Do I know you?
07:03Where do I know you from?
07:05Now, I've got the perfect level of fame.
07:08You either see me, and you're happy to see me, and you say nice things to me,
07:13or you walk right past me having a, you don't know who the hell I am.
07:16Who is that?
07:18You're not even thinking who is that, because you don't know me.
07:21I don't look like you should know me.
07:23And there's the middle ones, which are like, I know you.
07:27Where do I know?
07:27And believe me, I've stopped and said who I am and explained, and they go, no, not that.
07:32I was in the, no, not that.
07:33It's like you wanted to say, go to IMDb, which is wrong.
07:37So is Wikipedia.
07:39All the information on there is wrong.
07:40But go there.
07:40I don't give a shit what you learn.
07:44So the waiter comes back to, well, all right.
07:46Let me, yeah.
07:49Fuck.
07:50It's all right.
07:51I don't move.
07:51It'll all cut nicely.
07:52Do you know I'm the, just for my acting style, I really believe that Spencer Tracy, you know,
08:00know your lines, don't bump into the furniture.
08:02But I also have one, which is eat pizza and then throw it to the side when they call you.
08:06It's one of my things.
08:08All right.
08:09I'm very, comfort and calmness are part of, all right, here we go.
08:13Oh, so I said to my friend, I go, was I just a dick to him?
08:16Should I have told him who I was?
08:17He goes, no, you're fine.
08:18I go, no, I feel like I was, you know, when he comes back, I'm going to explain who I am.
08:23So he comes back and I say, hey, I just want to let you know, I'm Jeff Garland.
08:28I'm a comedian.
08:30I'm an actor.
08:31I do lots of different things.
08:33I'm on TV.
08:34I'm in the movies.
08:35And there you go.
08:37And he looks at me and he says, ah, good for you.
08:41Who's the dick?
08:41Like, as if every time I go into a restaurant and I order, I go, yes, I'll be getting a cheeseburger.
08:54But before I get it, do you know who you're serving?
08:58Do you have a clue?
08:59I'm Jeff Garland.
09:03The first time I stole something, I was eight years old.
09:10It was 1970.
09:15I was born in 62.
09:16I'm 46.
09:18I just don't want you doing math.
09:19Because math and comedy don't mix.
09:21They don't.
09:22I can tell you that as a pro.
09:23They do not mix.
09:24I don't want me to be telling a story and you to be going, now, is he 38?
09:29No, he'd be in his 40s.
09:3244?
09:3345?
09:3345 or 46?
09:34I'm not sure.
09:36Oh, he's talking.
09:37I should stop thinking of numbberries.
09:39And what kind of person am I that I talk with this weird voice?
09:44Jeff doesn't know me personally.
09:46He couldn't be friends with someone who spoke.
09:48It'd be too weird for him.
09:50Am I an elderly gay man or am I a woman?
09:56I don't know who I am, but I'm talking to myself for a very long time.
10:04This dress is so pretty that I picked out.
10:07Still, am I an elderly gay man?
10:12All right.
10:16What story was I telling?
10:17I have ADD.
10:18Oh, the first time I stole something.
10:20You have no idea.
10:21I'll ask you.
10:22I'll get lost.
10:23I also have the running order right there, but trust me.
10:25It's just, you know.
10:26All right.
10:27I forget everything.
10:29Where was I?
10:31Stole something.
10:33See?
10:34Also, there's a magical thing called editing.
10:36I can do this.
10:37Hee!
10:39Never be in the show.
10:41Woo!
10:42Not going to see it.
10:43Only you will.
10:45Wow!
10:46Never going to make the cut.
10:48All right.
10:50Back to the thing.
10:51The first time I stole something, I was eight years old, and let's see here.
10:55It was in a grocery store with my mother, and they had the Brock's candies, like a display
11:03thing, and you're supposed to, like, put them in a bag and weigh them.
11:06But I made, and I thought, they're out.
11:08Oh, look!
11:09And I filled my pockets with them.
11:12So we're driving home, and my mom says, looks in the rearview mirror, she goes, what are
11:17you eating?
11:18I said, caramels.
11:20I didn't buy you any caramels.
11:21I know.
11:22They had them there.
11:22I took them.
11:24You stole!
11:25And she starts swinging out back there, trying to grab the candies, you know.
11:29But remember, it's 1970.
11:31It's a Buick Skylark.
11:32Huge backseat.
11:34And I'm not wearing a seatbelt.
11:35Nobody cares.
11:37She doesn't have a prayer.
11:38She can do this.
11:38I'm having as many caramels as I want.
11:41She had to stop and get out and dive in the backseat.
11:44That would be a weird sight in the side of the road.
11:49So we get home.
11:49She says, just, she's so tired, just don't steal.
11:54So I didn't, I never stole again until a month ago.
12:01A month ago, okay?
12:03I went to go buy dog food with my wife, and next to the dog food place, the pet store,
12:10is a grocery store.
12:11She says, I'm going to go get the dog food.
12:14You go get some garbage bags in the grocery store, and I'll meet you out here in a minute.
12:18Great.
12:19Good plan.
12:20I go in the grocery store, and my blood sugar's feeling kind of low, and I grabbed the first
12:25thing.
12:26Well, I didn't grab an apple.
12:28I got a, I could have.
12:30I could have easily gone to the organic apples, just gone like this and eaten.
12:34I got a caramel Kit Kat, which, by the way, if you enjoy caramel and you like the Kit
12:41Kat, they've done a wonderful job.
12:44They have.
12:44It's fantastic.
12:45It's, because a lot of times they experiment with these companies.
12:48This one, home run.
12:50It's delicious.
12:52So my blood sugar, so I eat it, and I really almost eat like, oh, like, oh.
12:57I can tell you, with Kit Kats, I always go for another piece.
13:01There's nothing there.
13:02A number of times.
13:04Then again, do I eat a Kit Kat like this?
13:07That's the way I'm sort of doing it, if I hold it like this.
13:10No, I just, all right.
13:11So I, uh-huh.
13:12All right.
13:13So I'm looking, I can't find the garbage bags.
13:16I'm like an idiot.
13:17I can't find it, and I'm running out of time.
13:19Um, my wife comes in, and my reaction was, wrong.
13:24Ah!
13:26And mind you, it wasn't like she snuck up on me.
13:28She was coming right at me.
13:30Ah!
13:33Because I'm scared.
13:34I shouldn't be eating the Kit Kat.
13:35I got the wrapper in my hand.
13:37She goes, what was that all about?
13:38I said, I was just daydreaming.
13:40And she fell for it.
13:42What could I be daydreaming of?
13:44Frankenstein!
13:45Ah!
13:47You know what?
13:47She believed it.
13:49All right.
13:52So, uh, she says, what's in your hand?
13:57And I say, why?
13:58What are you talking about?
13:59What's in your hand?
14:01Nothing.
14:02Something's in your hand.
14:02Nothing in my hand.
14:04I put my hand in my coat pocket.
14:05She goes, what are you putting in your coat?
14:07Nothing!
14:08You're putting something in your coat.
14:10What are you putting?
14:11Nothing!
14:12I think the garbage bags are over there.
14:13I didn't try over there.
14:14She turns.
14:15Just enough time for me to turn.
14:17Pull it out.
14:18Put it in my pants.
14:19By the way, these exact pants.
14:21Put it in my pants.
14:23And put my hand back in my jacket and turn.
14:26Okay?
14:26So now she says, what are you putting in your jacket?
14:29Now I can have fun.
14:30What are you talking about?
14:33Nothing!
14:34You want to check?
14:35Go ahead!
14:37Go ahead!
14:38Trust!
14:39Come on!
14:40She sticks her hand in my pocket.
14:43You know what she pulls out?
14:44A trident wrapper.
14:46How great was that?
14:47I'd left a trident wrapper in my jacket.
14:50How perfect!
14:51So now I can play it up and, hey!
14:54Is that where we're at?
14:55No sugarless gum?
14:56What's next?
14:57Water?
14:58No water?
14:59No water?
14:59Water?
15:03So we walk to the register checkout area, you know.
15:09And I'm thinking, well, how am I going to pay for this?
15:11What am I going to do?
15:13And then I think to myself, okay.
15:15I say to her, I go, I'll meet you out by the car.
15:18No, I'm fine.
15:21All right, I can't push that.
15:22But then I start imagining, like, when I pay for the bags, I pull a dollar out of my wallet and I flip it at the guy.
15:31But then I also imagine him going, sir, you just flipped a dollar at me.
15:36What's going on?
15:37Well, yeah, why did you flip a dollar?
15:39I don't know what's happening to me.
15:41I've been, do you know, it's like the third time this week I've flipped a dollar out of my wallet?
15:46Not 20s or 5s, but a single, just whipping it.
15:48So we walk to our car and I didn't pay for it.
15:52It's in my pocket and it's, you know, it's weighing on me.
15:55I'm really, I'm kind of, I'm really, I'm unsettled by the whole thing.
15:59And then I'm picturing them going, hey, just waiting for me, like, to walk out with it like they were testing me.
16:04So we drive off and there's a sense of relief, but then a lot of anger at myself.
16:11Yes, anger.
16:12I have chosen the possibility of arrest over pissing off my wife.
16:20That's sad.
16:27My wife is not my soulmate.
16:32She's not.
16:34I love her, I'm not going anywhere, but she's not my soulmate.
16:38I don't think your soulmate should be constantly disappointed in you.
16:42Just, I don't think your soulmate should say, if I had a chance to do it all over again, I'd pick the complete opposite of you.
16:56You know, yeah, she's got problems with me and food.
17:01I mean, she only cares for me.
17:02You know, she wants me to live.
17:03You know, I've got, let me explain my eating disorder to you so you get an idea.
17:07You can put me in a room, and in that room you have, like, the best pot in the world, best Coke in the world, the greatest glass of wine, and a two-day-old grocery store sheet cake.
17:20Guess where I'm going.
17:21Half of it can be covered in ants, I swear to God, and I'll eat the other half.
17:29I used to be a security guard at rock concerts, and I also worked at the Orange Bowl doing security for dolphin games.
17:42And when I first got hired, I was 20 years old, it was very exciting, but I remember they, I had a t-shirt that was yellow that said security in black, and a flashlight, a belt with a flashlight on it, which I'm sure scared everyone who was thinking of tomfoolery.
18:01All right, so the first time I worked, they sang the national anthem, and they put a, the microphone when they were done singing into this little alcove in front of me, the whole thing with the stand.
18:25And I'm, I'm standing, remember, I'm 20 years old, I'm not a comedian yet, and so the idea of a live microphone, very close to me with 70,000 people, very exciting, very exciting.
18:41And the other fellows who are friends of mine who I work with, they know, like, oh, he's going to do something.
18:46And so I'm like, well, first I've got to see if it's, if it's on, you know.
18:55You know, all through the stadium, you know, what a weird thing to test.
19:06Can I just make a popping sound or something?
19:10So I think, all right, what am I going to do, what am I going to do?
19:13Ah, got it, got it, got it.
19:15Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise once again for another singing of our national anthem?
19:35And I could hear people screaming, we sang it already.
19:39All right, so I think, okay, what can I, all right, now, I mentioned I'm 20 years old.
19:54I'm not that funny.
19:56I mean, I'm funny for a 20-year-old, but I'm not that clever.
19:59But I come up with one that even now I would be impressed with myself for coming up with it.
20:04It was so subtle, so perfect.
20:09Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, I beg of you, please, I beg of you.
20:27And I could hear people, what?
20:30What do you want?
20:31You're begging what from us?
20:35This is hard.
20:36Now, the cleverness has worn off.
20:40I'm back to being a normal 20-year-old.
20:42Because I think of one, and I think, this is the good one.
20:52Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, boner.
20:58Boner, I've got a boner, boner, boner, boner, I'm fired.
21:08They're coming too.
21:10Yeah, I got fired for the first time of like six times.
21:15I have some things that I've written that don't fit into my show.
21:37I know that's kind of weird.
21:38I tell all these stories, right?
21:41These are not really stories.
21:42They're just sort of thoughts that I don't, I don't know.
21:46They don't fit anywhere.
21:46So I'm going to do them for you right now.
21:49But I can't cleanly tie them into anything.
21:52And I'm okay with that.
21:56All right.
21:57Let's see here.
21:58All right.
21:59Here's the way you can, my wife, you can understand our relationship based on this.
22:04You ready?
22:05My wife, this past year, her New Year's resolution was that I should lose some weight.
22:13I said, do you know what you just said?
22:16No, what?
22:18My wife's the elderly gay man.
22:22I'm realizing all my women sound so strange.
22:24I say yes to everything my wife says.
22:32Yes.
22:33Because that's the key to a good marriage.
22:35Say yes.
22:35Because when I say no, it's like thunder.
22:39No, you know.
22:40And she says, what are you talking about no?
22:42And I say, I'm sorry.
22:43Just playing a game called Maybe I Have a Say.
22:44Some people think that the first year of marriage is the toughest.
22:55I say the last year is.
22:59Sometimes they're one of the same.
23:01Do you see what I'm talking about?
23:02These don't fit in anywhere.
23:04So I just, I wrote them down.
23:09Would a real gentleman go into a gentleman's club?
23:12A real gentleman.
23:16Charlie, these women are completely naked.
23:19And they're dancing.
23:20What's going on?
23:21Ma'am, would you like my jacket?
23:24Be happy to give it to you.
23:26You're naked.
23:27Are you cold?
23:28Are you all right?
23:29Would you like me to walk you home?
23:32You won't be stepping in any puddles with me.
23:38I mean, I used to go to strip clubs.
23:40I've been talking about when I was,
23:41the last time I think was probably 15, 20 years ago.
23:44I don't go anymore.
23:45My God.
23:47Well, first off, let's talk about it.
23:49You pay a $20 cover, maybe even $30 now.
23:52A beautiful nude woman dances inches away from your face.
23:55You can't touch her.
23:57She can't touch you.
23:58You can't touch yourself.
23:59And you give her all your money.
24:02That's what hell has to be like.
24:07What's that?
24:09Thanks for yelling something.
24:10Thanks for helping.
24:13You'll be the highlight.
24:14We've got a camera on you all night.
24:15So whenever you yell something, we've got coverage.
24:22She's only trying to help.
24:23I'm not mad at you at all.
24:24You can tell I'm not mad,
24:25but I just find it ridiculous after this man,
24:27and I say don't.
24:27You're like,
24:28I don't care what he said.
24:32When the time is right,
24:34I will yell, take a nap.
24:36And then when I did that pitch,
24:39oh, how about a coincidence?
24:41I was planning on yelling, take a nap,
24:43and he did a bit that he's not even going to put in the show
24:46because it didn't quite work.
24:49I sound like his wife and an elderly gay man.
24:52I don't know who I sound like.
24:58Oh, and another thing about the gentlemen's clubs.
25:01Let me add this little bonus here.
25:03I think it's so false
25:05because, first off, the women are dancing.
25:08They should be weeping about their childhood.
25:10If it was really, there should be a chair, a couch.
25:12They should be crying.
25:14And the men, and the men sit there like this.
25:20When really what they should be doing is,
25:21you're naked.
25:23Wow.
25:24There's nobody naked at home.
25:26That's why I'm here.
25:29Stop crying.
25:30What you crying for, sad, late, naked?
25:33Naked lady.
25:38Of all the addictions that are most unattractive,
25:41being a compulsive overeater, number one.
25:44Because, look, you do drugs,
25:46going to get laid,
25:47you smoke pie, you know,
25:49drink, you're having sex.
25:50You never see a woman at a party say,
25:52you see that guy shoving burgers in his mouth?
25:55I'm going to fuck the shit out of him.
25:58Oh, he is hot.
26:00Are those White Castle sliders
26:02because they're going to be a hot
26:03and they're going in one at a time
26:04and he's so far away, I don't know.
26:07I'm an elder of the game.
26:13Let's see here.
26:14The term, my bad.
26:16I don't like it.
26:17I don't like it.
26:18It's new and I don't like it.
26:20I think that I was always a big fan of,
26:23oh, I've made a mistake.
26:25I'm very sorry.
26:26I don't know where that went.
26:27My bad.
26:28I was supposed to take care of all of that.
26:29And it sounds like a retarded person said it.
26:34Me mistake, my bad.
26:37And like a guy who worked there
26:39went and played basketball with his friends
26:41and followed somebody.
26:42My bad.
26:43Where'd that come from, man?
26:44I don't know.
26:45Somebody at work said it.
26:45I can't remember.
26:47My bad.
26:49Me mistake.
26:50My bad.
26:52Hmm.
26:58On, uh, on, uh, my, uh, my kids eat Honey Nut Cheerios.
27:03That's their favorite cereal.
27:04And I'm looking at their box of, uh, Honey Nut Cheerios.
27:08And on the box it says, I'm sorry.
27:12I never, you know, you don't think about it.
27:15It says may lower cholesterol.
27:17What kind of statement is that?
27:19Is that even a statement?
27:20It may.
27:22We don't know.
27:23Do you know?
27:24No one knows.
27:25It may.
27:25Who are you to argue?
27:28Could clear your skin.
27:30It could.
27:31You don't know.
27:33It's just put on the box.
27:34In the future, this could be money.
27:37Could.
27:39Who knows?
27:40Many ways.
27:41We could be attacked.
27:42This could be all that's left.
27:46Oh.
27:47Why don't women, really, why don't women, they've got a built-in excuse that they never use.
27:53Let's say someone asks you to go somewhere.
27:55A guy, because another woman won't fall for it.
27:57But a guy says, let's go to the movies.
27:58You don't want to go?
27:59Just say, my vagina hurts.
28:01Why don't women say that?
28:03You want to go?
28:04Nah.
28:05Vagina's killing me.
28:07Oh, my God.
28:08It aches.
28:10So bad.
28:12You want some ice?
28:13Because no guy's going to argue.
28:14Guy's only going to take you some ice.
28:16All right.
28:16I'll go.
28:17When it stops hurting, call me.
28:19Because I want to be around you when your vagina's in good shape.
28:22When we were filming the pilot slash special of Curb Your Enthusiasm, we were filming this one scene in Westwood, which is where UCLA is.
28:38And we were filming, this is an establishing shot of Larry and I walking into a restaurant.
28:43And where we're walking, there's a cookie place called D.D. Reese.
28:52And D.D. Reese sells bags of cookies this big for like $2.
29:00And they're good.
29:02It's as if the owner doesn't care about them.
29:04I want everyone to have cookie.
29:05I don't know what country my accent is from.
29:10Cookieville.
29:11Where the cookie monster is in charge.
29:14Cookies for everyone.
29:16Fuck profit.
29:19I haven't been able to figure this place out yet.
29:22Okay.
29:23So, sitting in front of this place as we're doing this is this young kid.
29:29He looks to be about 20 years old, you know.
29:30And when we're done shooting, it's cool outside.
29:33They're setting up the cameras inside the restaurant.
29:35So, I'm like, I'm going to hang out outside, you know.
29:37And kid's sitting there.
29:40He's wearing Birkenstocks, ripped jeans, ripped T-shirt, a little ski hat kind of thing, which in L.A. is unnecessary.
29:49Chicago, you got to have it, at least in the winter.
29:52Summer, what are you doing?
29:54Winter, good for you.
29:55So, he says to me, or he said to me, which is correct.
30:04He says to me, it's not right.
30:05He said to me, it's in the past.
30:07He said to me, I'm recounting.
30:10He said to me, yes, I want to be correct.
30:15He said to me, you want a cookie?
30:19Now, it wouldn't just suck.
30:21Yes, I wanted a cookie.
30:23Put that aside.
30:24But I wasn't going to have one.
30:26But, you know, why couldn't I have just said to him, no, no, thanks.
30:29I'm good.
30:31Instead, I thought, well, he's a young guy.
30:33I'm going to teach him a lesson.
30:35Not in a mean way, but I'm going to show him what life's about.
30:38Like, it's my job.
30:38Like, I'm Arrigan Johnson.
30:40It's just so stupid.
30:42You know?
30:42Because, you know, no one who's 20 wants to hear Mr. in his 40s or 50s or 60s.
30:47He wants to hear what you have to think unless they ask you.
30:49If they ask you, great.
30:50No one asks you?
30:51Shut the fuck up.
30:52But this particular evening, I chose not to.
30:56I said to him, I go, uh, how old are you, man?
31:00Oh, 20.
31:00Yeah, yeah.
31:01Go to UCLA?
31:02Yeah.
31:02Live in the dorms?
31:03Yeah.
31:04All right, let me tell you something.
31:07You know what?
31:08The cookies?
31:09You can eat that whole bag of cookies.
31:10You can go back in and get another bag.
31:12Come back out here, eat that whole bag.
31:13Yep.
31:14You can do the whole thing.
31:15You know what?
31:16You get a third bag.
31:17Go back to your dorm room.
31:18Hang out in your dorm room.
31:21Eat some cookies.
31:23Watch Full House.
31:25Smoke some pot.
31:27Eat some more cookies.
31:29Call your girlfriend over.
31:31Have sex.
31:33Watch Full House a little bit more.
31:37Smoke some cookies.
31:39Eat some pot.
31:41Have more sex.
31:42Then kind of freak out that Full House is over because you're really high at this point.
31:46And your friend comes over and says, you want to go play soccer?
31:49So you play soccer in the middle of the night.
31:51You break your ankle.
31:53You limp back home.
31:54You say you'll take care of it tomorrow.
31:57Have more sex with your girlfriend.
31:59But you're on your back this time because you can't really stand because your ankle's all fucked up.
32:04Smoke some more pot.
32:06Have some more cookies.
32:07Remember, you've got a test.
32:09A final in the morning.
32:11Cram all night long.
32:13Go take the test.
32:15Having not slept.
32:16Still kind of high.
32:18And come back here after your test.
32:21And get another bag of cookies and eat all of them.
32:23You could do all that.
32:25And you'd be just fine.
32:27If I have one cookie, I die.
32:31I am the future.
32:33And in the future, there are no cookies.
32:37I am the future.
32:38Take a look.
32:40Now, my friend, now is the time for a cookie.
32:42Anyhow, he didn't let me finish.
32:43He told me, fuck you, old man, and walked off.
32:45So anyhow, I've been traveling too much.
32:52And the story I'm going to tell you, I don't know what airport this story takes place in.
32:57I don't remember where I was coming from, where I was going.
32:59But I remember it was an airport.
33:00I'm in security, and ahead of me in line is an older black man.
33:04And his bag goes through.
33:07And the security woman says, excuse me, whose bag is this?
33:11Is that my bag?
33:12All right.
33:17You need to be able to fit all your toiletries in this bag.
33:21I need my cream.
33:23Well, I'm sure you, your toiletries have to fit in the, no, you don't understand.
33:29I need my cream.
33:30I love my cream.
33:32I need my cream.
33:34Well, your cream has to fit in this bag.
33:40No, I need my cream with me at all times.
33:42I love my cream.
33:43I need my cream.
33:45Well, you're more than welcome to check your bag, and your cream will be waiting for you at your destination.
33:52No, I need my cream with me at all times.
33:54But, well, it has to fit.
33:55No one, it's not, it's not accelerating.
33:58It's just, no one's getting angry.
34:00It's just, you know, bag, cream, bag, cream, just on and on.
34:05I'm getting angry, but I'm like, you know, it's empty, and I'm behind, you know.
34:08So I go to the other security line.
34:11I go to my gate.
34:12I'm waiting.
34:12Who sits down next to me?
34:13Baron Von Kreme.
34:17And I'm looking at him, and let me tell you something.
34:19His skin, very dry.
34:21Like, crazy dry.
34:23So, and I'm also thinking, he's either new to cream, and he's taking his new cream regime very seriously,
34:31or the cream he's been using, not good cream.
34:35Not good cream.
34:39He sees me looking at him.
34:43How you doing?
34:45Doing fine.
34:46Yeah, yeah.
34:47So we start talking.
34:48Lovely man.
34:49Very nice man.
34:50I can tell you, it was only a few minutes, and we got to this point in our conversation.
34:56He looked at me, and he said, you ever get any Waffle House pussy?
35:05Excuse me?
35:08Waffle House pussy.
35:09What's Waffle House pussy?
35:16You know, a girl be working at the Waffle House, stirring the grid, making the waffle.
35:23When she gets off work, she's going to give it up.
35:25You ain't live until you have Waffle House pussy.
35:28Now, I don't know how many of you have ever been to the southeastern United States and frequented
35:36a Waffle House, but trust me, the last thing you think of when you walk in there is pussy.
35:42It's even hard to think of a waffle.
35:47You see the people working, you go, they're making my waffle?
35:49All right.
35:50I do love Waffle House, though.
35:57All right.
35:58So I was in Chicago a while back, and a friend of mine called me.
36:03He was having a golf tournament, and Kid Rock was coming to town.
36:10That's who.
36:11Kid Rock was coming to town, and they've arranged for him to sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game.
36:17Would I mind meeting him at the ballpark and sort of walking him through the whole thing
36:23to make him less nervous to calm him down?
36:26And I thought, oh, tickets to the Cubs game.
36:27Yeah, I'm in.
36:28Yeah, great.
36:29Then as I laid in bed that night, I thought, I have to calm Kid Rock down?
36:34How do I calm Kid Rock down?
36:37He wears a hat.
36:38His name is Kid.
36:39This is just not a good combo.
36:42And recently, by the way, he tore up a Waffle House.
36:46He did.
36:46But whoever's gone, who's ever gone to a Waffle House and said, you know what?
36:52It didn't live up to my expectations.
36:54I'm going to wreck this place.
36:57Because I felt, Bob Evans, I was there, and it wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
37:03So I shot everyone.
37:07They led me to believe it was going to be good.
37:10Bob Evans.
37:11There's all those Stuckies.
37:14There's all those places on the road.
37:16Who loses their temper in a Waffle House?
37:19Kid Rock does, and I'm going to calm him down.
37:21So I get to the ballpark that night.
37:25I'm always concerned.
37:26You know, Slash is my neighbor.
37:28I don't want to meet him.
37:30He wears a hat all the time, and it's like this weird hat.
37:32Because you know he's not going to walk around without the hat.
37:35Probably cuts his grass, shirt off, cigarette out with the hat.
37:39So maybe a riding mower.
37:44I see a moron.
37:44He's got a big property.
37:45Riding mower.
37:46He's riding around.
37:47All right, anyhow.
37:48And his name's Slash.
37:49Kid, Slash.
37:50It's just wrong.
37:51Don't put me in rock and roll.
37:52No time for it.
37:54Actually, I like it, but not them.
37:56All right.
37:56I mean, they're fine.
37:57I don't want to like...
37:58Ah, we'll cut this out.
38:00Fuck it.
38:02Whee!
38:03Whee!
38:04Whee!
38:05Whee!
38:05Whee!
38:05Whee!
38:06And here's the bonus of that one.
38:10Jeff Garland says, whee!
38:11And grabs his balls, jumps him down after talking bad about Slash and Kid Rock.
38:16Whee!
38:19All right.
38:20So I get to the ballpark.
38:22And they give you a box when you sing.
38:27So I go in the box, and there's Kid Rock with his hat.
38:29I meet him.
38:30Nice enough fella, you know.
38:31Also there is Peter Cetera.
38:33Um, for those of you who don't know who Peter Cetera is, Peter Cetera was the lead singer
38:37of the band Chicago during their heyday.
38:40Like, he sang most of their hits.
38:42He also had a lot of solo stuff.
38:44Huge.
38:45Theme from Karate Kid 2.
38:48What's the name of that song?
38:51The Glory of Love.
38:53Glory of Love.
38:54Okay.
38:54So he's...
38:55But it's a trio you wouldn't picture hanging out.
38:58You never...
38:59And there would be a...
39:00Honey, um...
39:01Like, one night, there's a minivan out in front.
39:05Kid Rock's driving.
39:06Peter Cetera and myself.
39:07We're gonna go out.
39:08Don't wait up.
39:10Um...
39:10Probably going to Waffle House.
39:12And, uh...
39:13You know, who knows what's gonna happen.
39:15Might be some pussy there.
39:18I don't know.
39:19Could be some pussy.
39:22It might not live up to our expectations.
39:24Then we might get arrested.
39:25I don't know is what I'm saying to you.
39:27I'm with Kid Rock and Peter Cetera.
39:29Cetera, that's the thing you need to know.
39:32You've got their cell phone numbers.
39:34I'm gonna leave mine at home.
39:36If you need me, call them.
39:41So, it's the top of the seventh inning.
39:45Near the top of the seventh.
39:46So we go over to the, uh...
39:48Booth, you know.
39:48And we're waiting there.
39:51And, uh...
39:52You know, it's sold out.
39:54Cricketfield's always sold out.
39:56And the broadcasters are broadcasting.
39:58And, uh...
40:00Kid Rock is from Detroit.
40:01And I don't know...
40:02I don't understand what he was so upset about.
40:06Um...
40:07Um...
40:07But...
40:08Aramis Ramirez made an error.
40:12And he dropped the ball.
40:13And, uh...
40:14Kid Rock says,
40:14What kind of fucking idiot does something like that?
40:17He's a fuckhead.
40:18I can't...
40:18It's going through Steve Stone's microphone.
40:22Out to all of Chicagoland.
40:27Chicagoland.
40:28That's what the Indians called it when they first came here.
40:30Chicagoland.
40:32Dealers.
40:33You're Chicagoland dealers.
40:36If you're from out of town,
40:37you think that there's a lot of pot being sold here.
40:39And they should...
40:40If you need good pot,
40:41go to Chicagoland.
40:44So, anyhow...
40:45I love digressing from my own stories.
40:48It's fantastic.
40:49It adds an energy
40:50that really is enjoyable for everybody.
40:53I hope he digresses for a good 20 minutes
40:55and then forgets where he's at
40:57because he's got ADD.
40:58Because that would add a lot to the story.
41:02So, Steve Stone turns around.
41:03He's like,
41:04What's going on?
41:04I'm like,
41:04I don't know.
41:05I turn.
41:05Peter Satir is gone.
41:07I saw him the next day.
41:09And he said...
41:10I said,
41:10Where'd you go?
41:11He said,
41:11That guy freaked me out.
41:13I had to get out of there.
41:14He really...
41:15He totally freaked me out.
41:19So,
41:20Idiot Boy stays
41:21with my good friend,
41:23Kid Rock.
41:25So,
41:27it's the seventh inning
41:28and he...
41:29He starts to sing.
41:32Take me out to the...
41:34You know.
41:34And he has the words
41:38because since Ozzy Osbourne sang it,
41:39if you're unsure,
41:40they give you the words.
41:43And he's done.
41:44He's just standing there
41:45and because Harry Carey used to say,
41:47you know,
41:48let's get some runs.
41:49That's what I always do when I sing.
41:50So,
41:50I lean over to him and go,
41:51Yell,
41:52let's get some runs.
41:53What?
41:55Yell,
41:56let's get some runs.
41:58All right.
41:59Hey,
41:59Chicago,
42:00let's get some lunch.
42:01I...
42:03I wasn't quite sure.
42:13I'm being honest.
42:14I thought I heard him say that,
42:16but I wasn't quite sure,
42:19you know.
42:21So,
42:22we're walking back to our seats
42:23and I said,
42:23I'll go,
42:24did you just yell,
42:25let's get some lunch?
42:26Yeah!
42:28It was,
42:28let's get some runs,
42:29you know,
42:29baseball runs.
42:30Oh,
42:31man!
42:31I thought it was like a Chicago thing
42:33to get lunch.
42:36Yeah,
42:37and only in Chicago
42:38do we get lunch
42:39once the seventh inning is set.
42:41You got roast beefy on me,
42:43too.
42:44Did I mention it was a night game?
42:49So,
42:50one of the things my wife
42:54sends me to do
42:56and has me do
42:56that I enjoy
42:57is going to Costco.
42:59I'm very happy.
43:00I love the samples
43:01and I love
43:03just the freedom
43:04to purchase
43:05many things
43:06because if I'm not eating,
43:08I need to do something
43:08to shove down
43:09the feelings.
43:11You know,
43:12because I eat
43:12Pop-Tarts raw
43:13because if I toast them,
43:15the feelings,
43:16I'm feeling them.
43:16It's not good.
43:17Raw!
43:18Shove down the feelings.
43:21Samples,
43:22great.
43:22If they don't have enough samples,
43:23I buy more stuff at Costco.
43:25That's the way it works.
43:26Although I do feel
43:27that I should charge
43:28Costco rent
43:29on my toilet paper
43:30because how is it a bargain
43:32if I'm buying 48 rolls
43:34of toilet paper
43:35and I put it in my garage
43:36and I take up all that room?
43:38That's wrong.
43:40But this story's not about Costco.
43:42I mean, it's part of it,
43:43but not really.
43:44The real reason I love
43:46going to Costco
43:46is on the way
43:47there's a Krispy Kreme donut.
43:48Now, I play a game
43:51and I'm true to this game.
43:53It's a thing.
43:54I only stop
43:55at the Krispy Kreme
43:56if the light is on
43:59saying they're warm and fresh
44:00that they have on the outside.
44:02If it's not on, sorry.
44:04No old donuts for you.
44:07So this particular time,
44:08the light's on.
44:09I go in
44:10and I pick out five donuts.
44:13Five being a perfect number
44:15because once you get to six,
44:17you're in pieces of a dozen.
44:19You know, half dozen,
44:21three quarters of a dozen.
44:22No one ever says
44:23five twelfths of a,
44:24you know what I mean?
44:25Five is a good.
44:27And then I get my skim milk.
44:31Gotta have the nonfat milk.
44:33And I sit down
44:35and by the way,
44:36there was a guy eating,
44:39had a plate full of donuts
44:40and a chocolate milk.
44:42And I remember sitting there
44:43in judgment going,
44:44what kind of idiot
44:45each drinks chocolate milk
44:48with their donuts.
44:50I mean, that's gluttonous.
44:51What's going on?
44:52Yeah, I'm judging him
44:54with my five donuts.
44:57And in the world of sugar,
44:59know this,
44:59in the world of sugar,
45:01Krispy Kremes
45:02are like heroin.
45:04It's the same thing.
45:05Because if you have one,
45:06you don't know
45:07what I'm talking about.
45:08For those of you
45:08who have two, three, four,
45:09maybe even five,
45:10God forbid six,
45:12you get into this haze.
45:16Hey, man.
45:17Oh, yeah, I gotta go to Costco.
45:21All right, I'm gonna go to Costco.
45:26So I drive over to Costco.
45:28And I get to Costco
45:30and there's cops everywhere.
45:32The lights are flashing,
45:33cars pulling in,
45:34and there's a cop directing traffic.
45:36And I say,
45:37hey, hey, what happened?
45:40He goes,
45:40a guy got shot
45:42walking into Costco
45:4310 minutes ago.
45:45Shot.
45:46Oh.
45:49All right.
45:51Supposed to get my wife some stuff.
45:54Is he okay?
45:56Guy says, I don't know.
45:57I'm like, oh.
45:59All right, I'm gonna go home.
46:03Sure.
46:03And I'm not even exaggerating,
46:05by the way.
46:05If anyone,
46:06you really go down.
46:09But I'm driving home,
46:10and a few minutes later,
46:11it occurs to me,
46:13ah,
46:14Krispy Kreme saved my life.
46:19Now understand,
46:20I know Krispy Kreme is killing me.
46:22I'm well aware of that.
46:24I know that.
46:25But much slower than a bullet.
46:30Thank you very much.
46:32Thank you, thank you.
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