- 5/5/2025
Tim Allen's first Showtime stand-up comedy special filmed in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00Dr. Lewis Leakey's discovery in the summer of 1931 proved that man was far older than had previously been believed.
00:15His brilliant theory that Australopithecus was not a direct descendant to modern man,
00:21led to his groundbreaking conclusion that the possible missing link was in fact homo herbeous.
00:27Wait a minute, back up! What is that? That's not the missing link!
00:38Ladies and gentlemen!
00:43Fasten your seatbelts!
00:47And lock your garage!
00:50It's Ken Owens!
01:08Come on!
01:09Thank you!
01:10Thank you very much!
01:12Nice to be here! Thanks for showing up!
01:14Well!
01:15Hey!
01:16I'm happy!
01:17You're happy!
01:18Let's call it a night!
01:19This is gonna happen!
01:20You're happy!
01:21You're happy!
01:22Thank you!
01:23Thank you very much!
01:25Nice to be here!
01:26Thanks for showing up!
01:28Yeah!
01:29Well!
01:30Hey!
01:31I'm happy!
01:32You're happy!
01:33Let's call it a night!
01:34This is gonna happen!
01:36Well actually I'm really happy I got to bring my baby!
01:39I have a new kid!
01:40I got my baby!
01:41A six month old little bitch from hell!
01:42She's with us now!
01:43She has a...
01:45Daddy's girl though!
01:46She woke up...
01:47Woke up this morning and looked at me and...
01:49Ooh!
01:50Ooh!
01:51Ooh!
01:52Ooh!
01:53You know...
01:56The worst thing about having a little girl is all the women folks show up, you know?
02:00All the houses...
02:01Eight hens show up after the bird!
02:03Muck, muck, muck!
02:04Muck, muck, muck, muck!
02:05Muck, muck, muck, muck, muck, muck, muck, muck, muck, muck!
02:10Grandma shows up, that bitch I hate her.
02:14Oh, she's always bringing over stuff no one eats.
02:16Hey, try this!
02:18What is that?
02:19Oysters and raisins?
02:20What's in that thing?
02:22It's from the old country, damn it!
02:25Would you save it?
02:26What is that stuff?
02:28Tomato jello, ever your grandma pig?
02:30What is that?
02:31Hey, try this!
02:32This shit I won't even eat.
02:34Try that!
02:36I got mad.
02:37Next thing I hear her saying is,
02:38I'm falling and I can't get up!
02:42Right.
02:44Cause I knocked her down!
02:47We're like that, though.
02:48My family's horrible.
02:49I always pick on my grandma.
02:50Seven boys, two girls.
02:51My mom hated us.
02:52Always called us pigs.
02:53She did.
02:54She always said, you pigs.
02:55Men are pigs, right, women?
02:57Just too bad we own everything.
02:58I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
02:59I'm kidding.
03:00I'm kidding.
03:01I'm kidding.
03:02I'm kidding.
03:03My mom always did call us pigs.
03:04She says, you little pigs.
03:05You little red-butted monkey, little primate bastards.
03:06That's what you are.
03:07All you do is poop and eat.
03:08That's all you do.
03:09Don't you speak to me.
03:10You grunt like the little pigs you are.
03:11That's how she figured we should talk.
03:20Oh, you need are three things.
03:21Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:26Oh, like, I'll say, uh, I'm, I don't pick off the bat.
03:34All you need are three things.
03:38oh it's true men grunt all the time they can't do three things at once that's your
03:45old man try to eat watch TV and talk to you no way honey you like that steak
03:56you want some more milk what my mom said the only reason men are alive is for
04:05lawn care and vehicle maintenance it's a battle it's lawn season that's lawn care
04:16season it's a battle it's lawn care season it's a battle I brought out the
04:21heavy artillery I got the John Deere tractor the 160 series oh that's 11 horse twin
04:28rider static driver 42 inch blade rear bagger with the tiller oh it's got
04:36headlights on in case I want to mow it at night great oh now I got that my
04:42stepfather coming over he's got this post-it stamp I got an acre and a half
04:45he's oh geez look at this you got a crab you gotta you gotta you got a crabgrass
04:50problem so I hire chem grower lawn shit I don't know what it is some tank truck
05:01spraying who knows what on this look could be iced tea I don't know what they're
05:03spraying grows about an inch a minute I'm watching that I had to put a big chevy v8
05:09in my tractor keep up with that thing yeah 396 twin care
05:1670 mile an hour boy around that tree I got the old lady pitting for me bring it in
05:24bring it in you're losing oil bring it in
05:29my mother said men aren't men until they get to Sears by themselves
05:40oh I love Sears there's more for your life than Sears Sears used to be a
05:48punishment my mom would get mad at us oh you have lit your sister on fire for the
05:52last time I'm taking you boys to Sears and buy you some dress slacks no I would
06:01rather have my balls pounded flat with a wooden hammer I swear to God and you know
06:06how painful that could be Sears tough skins reversible polyester ugly pants
06:12hell your knees will wear out for these pants will
06:17now I go to Sears on my terms I go pass out that lady Kenmore jazz
06:25I go to the man area craftsman
06:29that's my area
06:35yeah I go back to that boy I walk in that craftsman tool department my nipples are rock hard
06:43go right to that back wall the serious
06:48oh what's that that's a conduit bender oh what's it do bends conduit oh I gotta have
07:01one 238 bucks oh I don't know what this does but it looks good on my pegboard
07:07and that's all men care about is a full pegboard the altar to a man oh you know the real pinheads
07:20will outline their tools I know where that baby goes right there you can't fool me I know that ball
07:26pin hammer goes god damn what do I do strange thing about men you can organize your tool area but can't
07:32keep brown stains out of your underwear
07:39that's not to say however that women don't have their tools oh they do you can you travel with your
07:49old lady pick up that cosmetic tackle box
07:51oh I pop the top of it looks like Nazi war doctor tools
07:59they ever play with that stuff when they're not around
08:02I like that little scissor thing they put on their eyes and do some weird thing
08:09you know my wife she'll actually pluck them little bastards out of there
08:15a minute later draw them right back in
08:18oh it's Lancome Clinique Estee Lauder
08:23collagen time release spot remover
08:26moisturizing pellets from Europe
08:29what happened to my eyeliner pencil
08:32well the phone rang I couldn't find anything else to write
08:35women are brilliant
08:39every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket boy
08:43every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with a towel out of the shower
08:46and a typhoon couldn't blow that thing off that head
09:00you ever try to do that you look like a drunk Iraqi soldier
09:05oh man I can't get that towel to sit up there
09:08and every woman knows how to do that weirdest thing defies the laws of physics
09:13gets out of the shower and pulls that towel around and does that boob tuck
09:16it's a fitted disco towel
09:19I got her re-roofing the house that thing won't come off
09:23every man puts that towel here tucks once
09:29you step there and that thing's sitting right there
09:30you got big Jim and the twins staring at your family
09:42oh man sorry
09:43that's where I use carpet tape that'll help there
09:47staple gun
09:49oh jeez
09:51I get in real trouble though boy
09:56I got them tools I watch at home shopping club
09:59I got tools from hell come on that show
10:03the salesmen are good hey folks folks folks
10:09eliminate the worry of sharpening scissors at home
10:13forget about that check the green piece on there's a major problem right here
10:21so I order the Ren 2000 power home grinder
10:26six to eight weeks later shows up UPS I'm waiting on the porch of that dog for that truck
10:35because I can hear UPS trucks I swear to god
10:40I was too excited I go out and smell his butt and the dog grabbed a box it can happen
10:47it can happen
10:52so I get that box I get that box in the house and I pull out all those weird plugs
10:59that big three pronger
11:08if no one's looking I'll just cut that fat bastard right up
11:11the whole neighborhood's shorting out
11:19hey Alan that's a ground wire
11:24and who gave them permission to change every plug you got now
11:27every new appliance toast or whatever you got that new plug one side's just a little bit bigger
11:31do the other side
11:37I got the first use out of that new grinder
11:50now electricity can be dangerous
11:55I'm working at my shop one day look at my nephew Greg I love him to death he's over there trying to
11:58stick a penny in a plug oh why do kids do weird stuff like this now I'll warn him you know
12:05hey Greg I certainly wouldn't do that for you
12:12now whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor
12:16I told him he was grounded
12:26well I pulled my rent 2000 out of the box per instruction manual it says attach firma to a
12:32workbench or shopberry for stability
12:34oh I don't have a workbench but I think we all know where I could get one
12:42Sears damn right Sears well I was leafing through my super saturday sales spectacular
12:51and I noticed a workbench on sale
12:56the craftsman 346 huge inch workbench shop made area
12:59so I popped out Sears pick up that goddamn unit
13:05it's a 12-foot bench 400 pounds came in a box about this big
13:11kid you didn't read your circuitor did you no I don't believe I did
13:15that's a sale item there's some assembly required oh no
13:21I got that home I didn't have any tools to build it I had an old bent up pocket knife what am I need
13:25tools where am I going to get them damn darn right Sears well I didn't want to make two trips
13:32I had to buy a heap of tools so I rented a rider truck
13:37I backed that turbo diesel up that Sears and I bought some too
13:43I got those needle nose vice gripping monkey motherfuckers boy I got three-quarter
13:48driving socket pulling ratchet head steel tubing breaker jig my flat dado head cut
13:52right
14:05I got tools to fix tools folks I got them all most of them rubber coated for safety you gotta have that
14:12plus I got plenty of duct tape a shop ain't a shop without duct tape I don't know what use it for
14:16apparently if you can't fix it duck it that's right
14:26see women don't get into tools I don't understand they don't understand this stuff but do you know
14:29what the sum assembly required can hurt you or a loved one that's right my mom gave me a sunbeam 2300
14:34grill for my birthday yes she did oh it's a dual burner rotisserie grill fold over urban serving areas
14:40in a handy garden cart but she bought a wholesale and I had to build it I went oh no
14:51I didn't have any tools or what I didn't know what I mean I tried it I really tried
14:54many been there you build something like that and you're done you got a real little bag
14:58important looking shit left over
15:04honey honey why don't you try that grill out first
15:09yeah I'll be behind the garage you know for safety
15:14even back there I can see a flame jump out of that thing
15:20stop running around honey you're just making the flames grow on your head there
15:23I can't keep up with the hose with you like that this must be a fuel regulator that's what that
15:30thing is it's not supposed to spray in the hair like that she's all upset
15:40women are naturally upset with men and I know the reason why now because men are lying
15:44shits we will lie about lying if we have to I'm an algebra liar I figured two good lies make a positive
16:02and the reason men lie is because they're sick of women bitching at them I figured it yeah
16:07it's true hold on hey don't get so cocky but the reason women bitch is because we lie so much see
16:22this I don't know where this started way back some cave somewhere who's in this cave
16:27uh
16:31you know your old man's lying when he repeats your question where's the crock pot the crock pot
16:40you're buying time right now our crock pot no the pope's crock pot well i was washing some parts
16:51in it and uh i'm always bringing gasoline kerosene in that house all the turpentine stuff
16:57i'm i'm rinsing a needle valve for my lawnmower motor in tupperware boy bent that thing all out of
17:02shape 58 pieces of tupperware she remembers one where's that little piece of tupper i take my lunch
17:10don't work in that little piece you take your lunch to work in a dog was peeing and i threw it out
17:17i know she loves me she loves me she finally bought me a gift i asked for for years that
17:27that big tool belt that big mother boy that big cowhide sears tool caddy big boy i got them
17:35tools hanging every which way two big cordless makita drills hanging low
17:39oh i'm a white goddamn erp walking around cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching come on
17:50bitch break something
17:59you know the problem with them belts is butt cracks workmen wearing them belts they always got this
18:07ugly butt crack hanging out of there you go to a job site you think it was a butt crack contest
18:12something hey pete look at that son of a bitch that got to be eight inches down there doesn't it
18:18why don't you just tuck those plans in there i'll walk them over to fred
18:25that's okay in a job site but i got this guy put a disposal in he benched down i go oh judas priest
18:32what's that butt crack doing in here what's that a pencil holder what is that
18:37i got kids eating food in here i'm gonna spackle that fucker shut son that's what i'll do right now
18:46yes oh yeah hey bal i had some latex dap butt crack filler putty back in there
18:56i'll run a beat of clock down that fat ass of years what i'll do
19:00see women women love them they don't understand a man's propensity for building useless
19:06shit i'm in there fashioning a bird feeder one day i realized myself you know i don't really like
19:13birds all that much so i customized it made a combination bird feeder cat feeder only made it
19:19that far off the ground she didn't understand this right away she's just mad at me mad because i
19:26dirtied the floor did you walk on that floor
19:29she saw me walk on it she's forcing a lie out of me now
19:38everywhere you go you make this house dirty yeah
19:43better than peeing on the couch which i've been known to do on occasion
20:02everywhere you go you make those why don't you clean this house for once
20:04it's pull out that eureka 1200 upright
20:12what's a headlight for in that thing
20:15scaring the cat shut the lights out
20:20and you can't vacuum a woman's way i get the whole house temperature and it's clean she comes in well
20:24thanks for vacuuming but does it look vacuumed
20:32where are the vacuum tracks
20:37i must have sucked them up
20:40no you're serious
20:44she
20:45she has got a way of making little patterns on that nap go a little way
20:49those are vacuum tracks all right so i just cut out a little template spray painted them on herself
20:59then the last i hate dusting i'll move it move the bric-a-brick you're just pushing the dust around
21:05move the bric-a-brick all right you don't gotta move that bric-a-brack you lift up that lamp
21:10where's the only spot in the table there's no dust underneath that lamp
21:13so i got a fast way i just duct taped the small stuff down fire up my leaf blower
21:30right
21:33don't go in that laundry room unless you ought to work them devices
21:38i'm going away for the weekend with marge can you handle the laundry
21:43better listen you got to separate the whites and the colors polyester's natural loans two
21:46different loans clorox two concept
21:51what's that middle part again you better write this down no i'll remember yeah right
21:58i'll remember hot and water that's all i remember incredible shrinking machine uh-oh
22:06did you get to the laundry like i asked
22:08uh yeah i got all to fit in my pocket too look at that
22:15don't forget about that comforter fits in sucretes box look at that baby huh
22:19right under barbie's bed look at that baby
22:22that thing needs more power that's all it needs yeah so i rewired it
22:26i took the turbo off my saab and put it on that ge get that boost
22:37six g's that thing spins then poop stains fly right the hell out of my mind
22:42yes they do
22:47no water no soap no nothing subatomic laundry system and how do you screw up dishes dishes are
22:54traditionally women do that so now i'm into that role i'm do that wash that dish i'm gonna do that
22:58dish how do you screw it up well you're a man you'll figure out a way
23:00oh i can feel her presence huh
23:13like a comanche warrior she comes out of nowhere what the hell are you doing
23:20it's like she's caught me screwing the neighbor's cat or something hey
23:23just wash the dish in here well you can't use that sponge it's just for teflon whoa
23:32alert the press and that one's just for stainless steel
23:38i'll just use my orbital sander
23:44take that faggy little pattern off i'm out of
23:47beyond my way goodbye roses
23:55now it's the worst part of the year
23:58nba playoffs are down to a minute nine she doesn't care i'm watching that
24:04something malfunctions it's my problem the disposal's clogged
24:08my first reaction is ignore it hey you know
24:17the disposal's clogged maybe she's talking the dog i don't know
24:24oh i hear her coming boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
24:27it's business club you put it in there well your arm is longer well your ass is wider
24:42don't make you fix the toilet now get out of here
24:46so i'm in there pulling all those food boogers out of that stupid thing reaching in there oh
24:52man. What the hell did you put in here, the cap?
24:58I think it would work a lot better,
25:00a little more power.
25:04I rewire it.
25:07Put a Harley
25:08V-Twin on that bad boy.
25:14Tree limbs.
25:20Kitchen
25:20wood chipper, that's right.
25:22That's right.
25:28Well,
25:29well, I was at it.
25:32I decided to rewire that little weird
25:34little sprayer on the sink, a little
25:35couldn't blow
25:38a dandelion off of it.
25:40Stupid piece of shit.
25:43It works really good
25:44with a paint compressor rewired to it.
25:46I'll tell you.
25:46I can clean my neighbor's siding from across the street.
25:59That's important.
26:00Oh, now, it's a big battle.
26:09Send me out to buy something women ordinarily buy.
26:11A new dishwasher.
26:12A new dishwasher.
26:13A new dishwasher.
26:14I got to look.
26:15They don't make a Black & Decker Craftsman.
26:17They don't make one.
26:18What am I going to buy?
26:19I'm looking for a GMC diesel dishwasher.
26:21They don't make it.
26:23That would be great, though.
26:24A 30-horse diesel engine.
26:26Big stack coming through the counter.
26:31Big submarine steel door.
26:36They don't make them for men.
26:37They got the Maytag 2000.
26:40Number one, according to Consumer Reports.
26:42Number one.
26:44Double plumb porcelain inside and out.
26:45Soft scrub buttons.
26:46It's got the soft touch front control panel.
26:48Decor series.
26:52That's right.
26:52Well, I can't wait to use this bad boy.
26:57How about a two-day-old chili dish?
27:01Try to put that in there.
27:02What the hell are you doing?
27:05Trying to put a dish in the dishwasher.
27:10You idiot.
27:12You can't put a dirty dish in a dishwasher.
27:18Oh, yeah.
27:20How silly of me not to have known that.
27:22You've got to wash the dish.
27:26Then you put a dish.
27:29Yeah.
27:29Then I'm going to wipe my butt and take a shit.
27:31What the hell is I'm doing?
27:33I don't get it.
27:35I virtually don't get it.
27:39I've got to say goodnight.
27:40Tim Allen.
28:01Tim Allen.
28:04Tim Allen.
28:27I don't know.
28:57Great!
29:09Yeah!
29:27Yeah!
29:28Yeah!
29:29Yeah!
29:31Yeah!
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