- 5/9/2025
Married With Children Season 2 Episode 21 Father Lode
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TVTranscript
00:00Love and marriage
00:11Love and marriage
00:14Go together like a horse and carriage
00:19This I tell you, brother
00:24You can't have one without the other
00:29Love and marriage
00:32Love and marriage
00:35It's an institute you can't disparage
00:40Ask the local gentry
00:45And they will say it's elementary
00:50Try, try, try to separate them
00:56It's an illusion
01:00Try, try, try and you will only come
01:07To this conclusion
01:11Love and marriage
01:14Okay, Kelly, how much do you need?
01:23Oh, I don't know. How much does it take to start a new life?
01:27More than your father has in his wallet
01:30Let's see. Here's five dollars
01:33But?
01:34Well, going by the old double for virgins rule
01:38I get ten
01:41Mom, if you let him get away with that
01:44When he's 65, he'll be expecting two gold watches
01:49Well, let's not bleed daddy dry
01:52Here's five dollars for you
01:56And twenty for me
01:59Hey, Peg, have you seen my wallet?
02:03Gee, I don't know. What does it look like?
02:07Old, wrinkled and empty, like my life
02:12Well, don't worry, honey
02:17I'm sure it's down here in your jacket pocket
02:20But go put this in daddy's jacket pocket, okay?
02:23Hey, Peg, you're showing the kids what you do all day long
02:39Morning, Al
02:43Yeah, yeah, yeah
02:46Ah! Here it is
03:00Gee, where does it all go?
03:04Gee, why are you asking me?
03:06You know, Al, you just don't know how to manage your money
03:10I wish you'd give me your paycheck and let me manage the money
03:13Yeah, right
03:15So you can rob me blind, huh, Peg?
03:17Uh-uh
03:18At least this way I know exactly what I've got here
03:23I've got nothing here, Peg
03:27Well, don't worry, Al
03:29I didn't marry you for your money
03:31I'm not really sure why I did, but
03:34I knew it wasn't money
03:37Well, it must have been that old family tradition
03:39Find a man, kill his dreams, and move on
03:51Morning, Al
03:52Ah, isn't it great to be alive?
03:54Let me just stand aside and give you a better view of the little woman
04:04Hey, Peg, listen, I know you were planning to fix me some nice nothing for supper, but you better freeze it
04:09Cause, uh, Steve and I are going to the track tonight
04:11That really hurts, Al
04:14You know, I purposely didn't ask you for any money today
04:17And now you're going to go blow it at the track
04:20That's where all your money goes, you know
04:22No, I don't think so, Peg
04:24See, I've never woken up in the middle of the night to find a quarter horse going through my wallet
04:28Gee, Al, if you don't have enough money for the track
04:34Oh, heck, we're buddies
04:36I guess I can find someone else to go with me
04:39Uh, thanks, Steve, but, uh, I got enough for a couple of bets
04:44And, hell, there's always that fountain at the mall people throw pennies in
04:47I can go dredging on my lunch hour
04:51Great, let's go
04:52I'll drive you to work and pick you up, we'll leave from there
04:54Oh, Steve, uh, if you're going to the track, be sure to bet whatever Al bets
05:00Because, as you can see, he's a winner
05:10Take it easy, Al, it happens
05:13Doesn't happen to me
05:15It's never, never happened to me
05:18What am I going to do?
05:19How am I going to tell Peg?
05:21Look, you just have to be brave
05:23Just come right out and tell her
05:25Peg, I won $1,250
05:37Steve, it's the first time in my life I won a trifecta
05:42I've got $1,200 in my pocket
05:44But you know what would happen if I told Peg?
05:47Steve?
05:48Meet Peg
05:49Peg, I've got money
05:53Well, I know what I'm going to do with the $50 I won
06:02Share it with Marcy
06:04Wow, Hondo, you are much man
06:10Hey, I'm not ashamed to say that it gives me great pleasure to share with my wife
06:17What I am ashamed to say is, that's a total lie
06:20But she scares me to death, Al
06:23Well, I want to enjoy my money, Steve, so I'm going to hide my money until I can decide what I'm going to do with it
06:31And you're going to do the same thing
06:33Why would I do that?
06:34Because you have to
06:35If Marcy finds out that you won money, she's going to know I won money, and then Peg here will know
06:45Al, what you're asking me to do goes against everything I believe in
06:48You're asking me to lie to my wife, to deceive her, and I'm afraid I just can't do that
06:54For less than $50
07:03You're a real weenie, Steve
07:07Yes, but a weenie with $50
07:09Yeah, I've got to hide this somewhere a pig would never look
07:24Yeah, there's enough down there already
07:54Dirty laundry
07:59Dirty laundry
08:01You should never look here
08:24Two dollars left
08:37What a loser
08:41What are you doing, Peg?
08:43Oh, nothing
08:46I was just a little chilly
08:48Mind if I wear your shirt?
08:50Oh, yes
08:52But Al, I'm cold
08:54Put on your robe
08:56Well, I can't sleep in my robe
08:59And if I turn on the heat, then your feet start to fester
09:02And the dog starts barking, the kids wake up
09:08It's just not worth it, I'm going to wear your shirt
09:11I don't like it when you wear my shirt
09:13Isn't there any other way you can keep warm?
09:21Oh, no
09:23It's either you, or the shirt
09:24It's either you, or the shirt
09:26It's either you, or the shirt
09:33Darling!
09:36Darling!
09:37Gee, three days in a row
09:51I must be looking pretty good lately
09:54Yeah, you're the best, baby
09:56Yes, baby
09:57Oh, Al
10:02You know you love it
10:04Come on, admit it
10:06You and your excuses
10:08Oh, like that first night
10:10I was cold
10:11The first night, I was cold and you wouldn't let me use your shirt
10:14The next night, you wouldn't let me near the spare blanket
10:17And the third night, I was halfway to the hot water bottle
10:21When you tackled me and pinned me to the floor
10:23What do I have to go for tonight, Tiger?
10:29Your hat?
10:30Oh, by the way, Al
10:44This morning, I was going through your wallet looking for, uh, by accident
10:51And I just happened to notice that you haven't cashed your paycheck
10:55Why?
10:57Well, I just haven't had time
11:01I'll see you around
11:03Bye, sweetie
11:05Bye, sweetie
11:11Kids! Family meeting!
11:24What's up, Mom?
11:26Kids, I suspect your father has money
11:36And his paycheck was dated three days ago
11:39And he hasn't cashed it yet
11:42Mmm
11:44So Daddy has money
11:46You know, it all makes sense now
11:48Did you notice that last night he wasn't studying roadmaps
11:51And fondling his car keys like usual?
11:56Yeah, and I washed him shave this morning
11:59No, I didn't pause at all near the jugular
12:03No kidding
12:05Well, he's obviously got more than I thought
12:08Okay, kids, we are gonna tear this place apart
12:11Kelly, you take upstairs
12:13But you go down into the basement
12:15And I'll look around down here
12:17Oh, Mom, I got stuck with the basement when his tax refund came in
12:22Now, don't whine
12:25There is a 10% finder's fee
12:27And then we split
12:2920, 20, 60
12:32Now, let's go
12:33Let's go
12:45What's wrong with Al?
12:47I was out in the street picking up my newspaper when he pulled out
12:51He didn't aim his car at me and gun it
12:52Oh, boy, he must have a fortune
12:59Come on, help me search
13:01Al's got money
13:03So what?
13:05So it's mine and he's not giving it to me
13:07You want it to me
13:09Well, that's kind of cruel, not sharing with your wife
13:13Oh, who's talking about sharing?
13:15I want it all
13:17Not because I'm greedy, you understand
13:20Ooh, two bits
13:23You see, it's good for our marriage
13:25If Al has money, then he doesn't come home
13:30Will he take a check?
13:31Because I know the rest of the block will kick in
13:36Yes, I know it sounds good on the surface
13:40But the problem is, he doesn't just go away
13:44He goes away and has fun
13:46You see, Marcy, my mother taught me two things
13:50Never feed a man when you can feed yourself twice
13:53And if you're gonna rot on a couch in hell
13:57The least your husband can do is to burn right beside you
14:03Well, love touches us all in different ways, I suppose
14:08But early on, Steve and I decided to share everything
14:12And keep no secrets from each other
14:15Well, I would keep a good eye on him, Marcy
14:18Because God only knows what ideas Al put in his head when they went to the track
14:24Steve went to the track?
14:28You know, I thought it was kind of odd that Al went with him to the library
14:37Steve has money too
14:41No, I won't believe it
14:44He would never keep something like that for me
14:47And I'm so sure of it that I'm gonna tear my home apart piece by piece
14:51You'll see
14:53I won't find so much as a dollar
14:55And if I do, I'll take his pride and joy and superglue it to a Ferris wheel
15:00So did you find anything?
15:08Uh...
15:10I'm a little tired
15:12I'm gonna go upstairs and study
15:13Hi there, Shoe Man
15:37Hi there, Shoe Man
15:39I was in last week, and I can't stop thinking about you
15:52Remember me?
15:56Nightly
15:58I mean vaguely
16:02Can I help you?
16:04I don't know how else to say it
16:07I want you
16:09Well, that's so nice
16:13But...
16:14I'm married
16:16Perfect
16:18That means you're already broken in
16:20I'm looking in
16:39Al?
16:41Al?
16:51What do you want?
16:54I can't just see I'm busy
16:56Look, Al, I have to talk to you
17:05I'm really feeling guilty about hiding that money from Marcy
17:10So could you do me a favor and spend yours so I can share mine?
17:13I can't stand the way she looks at me
17:15With such trust
17:16Sure
17:18A lot of guys mistake trust for that
17:20Just keep the checks coming in or you're out of here, look
17:22They're very similar, you know
17:24Al, what's the big deal?
17:26Just buy something
17:28Oh, and it's not as easy as that, Steve
17:30When you were a kid, didn't you ever find money in the street?
17:33And you were so excited you couldn't figure out what to do with it?
17:36No, Al, I gave it to Bunny Zach Meyer so I could look up her dress
17:40I'm talking about when you're a kid, Steve
17:47Look, could you just give me a couple of more days in the name of friendship, huh, buddy?
17:54Okay, in the name of friendship, which at today's rates is another 50 bucks
18:00You're a weenie, Steve
18:02Yes, but a weenie with a hundred bucks
18:06Oh, by the way, Al, you want a ride home?
18:09No, I got my car
18:11Yeah, I saw it in the lot, but it might be tough to drive all that broken glass on your seat
18:17Don't worry, it wasn't vandalism, they stole your radio
18:21Great!
18:23Well, that's actually what I was thinking, but it's not something you say to a friend
18:29No, Steve, now I know what to buy
18:33A new car stereo, it's perfect
18:37See, now I can buy something for one of my favorite places in the world, my car
18:42Cause when I'm in my car, I don't have any way for kids
18:46I'm alone, I'm whole, I'm with the one I love
18:49And Peggy never drives my car, so she'll never know, tee-hee
18:56I get to spend all my money on me, oh, man
19:01I'll have it installed tomorrow, come on, let's go buy it now
19:05But it's half-hour to closing
19:07Ah, the place is a graveyard, no one comes in here
19:10Just give me a couple of minutes, I'll turn off the lights in the storeroom
19:12Oof!
19:19Oof!
19:23Ow!
19:26I'm sorry, miss, but the place is closed
19:38Gee, that's funny, most stores don't close until I'm in the dressing room
19:45Oh, well
19:52Mm, mm, mm
19:55There you go, buddy!
19:57You bet!
19:59I told you, nobody comes in this late
20:00LAUGHTER
20:14LAUGHTER
20:18LAUGHTER
20:24LAUGHTER
20:26Oh, my God.
20:56Al, what are you doing down there?
21:00I'm watching Ted Koppel.
21:03Go to sleep.
21:06I'm cold.
21:08Wear my shirt.
21:12Go to sleep.
21:15Mom, Dad, will you two be quiet?
21:18You woke me up.
21:26I heard it through the grapevine.
21:32Not much longer would you be mad.
21:36To all the girls I love.
21:41Big wheels keep on turning.
21:45Proud Mary keep on burning.
21:48Rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling.
21:52Rolling down the river.
21:54Rolling down the river.
21:57Al?
22:05Al?
22:07Did I just hear Ted Koppel singing Proud Mary?
22:10Yeah, it's Sweeps Month.
22:16So, uh, what do you want, Pig?
22:19Oh, I thought I'd come down so we could cuddle.
22:22We haven't done that for a long time.
22:24Oh, Pig, just once.
22:25Couldn't we do something I like?
22:28I don't want to dig in my ear and grin like an idiot.
22:31I want to cuddle.
22:37No.
22:39Well, fine.
22:40But I'm staying down here anyway.
22:44Where are you going?
22:45To the closet.
22:47I'm cold.
22:48I just wanted to throw something over me.
22:50No, don't go in there.
22:51Well, why?
22:52You've got me.
23:03Wait a minute.
23:07Let's go upstairs and, uh, cuddle.
23:12Oh, it's like before we were married.
23:16Let's get it over with.
23:17Just like before we were married.
23:22Oh, by the way, Al, I had to take my car into the mechanic.
23:26He's going to need it for a couple of weeks.
23:28So I'll have to use your car.
23:36So you want to sell your car stereo after just one day?
23:41I don't want to sell it.
23:43I have to.
23:44Peg's going to be driving my car for two weeks.
23:47That means two weeks of hiding my stereo.
23:50Do you know what I have to do to hide my stereo, Steve?
23:53Vile.
23:54Unspeakable acts no man should have to do.
24:05Yes, that.
24:08And you have the cashier, don't you?
24:10Here you go.
24:14There's only $1,000 here.
24:17Well, I think that's generous.
24:19After all, the equipment is used.
24:26And it seems to be a buyer's market.
24:32You're a real weenie, Steve.
24:35Yes, but a weenie with a stereo and $150 stashed away that Marcy knows nothing about.
24:45So, what are you going to do with the money, Al?
24:48Well, I always knew I would.
24:50Al, I heard a strange sound.
25:10What was it?
25:12Family, I have an announcement.
25:14I have money.
25:15I'm getting a new skateboard and a leather jacket.
25:22Well, I'm going to get a CD player and a suede skirt and some new boots.
25:26Oh, and I'm going to spend until I drop.
25:30Wait a second.
25:31Wait a second.
25:33Think we should get Dad something?
25:35Well, gee, I'd love to, but I don't think we have enough money.
25:39Well, what can I say?
25:49You, my friend, are a loser.
25:52Whereas I am your consummate winner.
25:58Steve!
25:59Get out here and explain this $150 I found hidden!
26:04Ah, let me handle this, buddy.
26:20Marcy, now let me explain.
26:23Now, Steve wasn't hiding anything from you.
26:26He was doing me a favor.
26:29He was hiding my $150.
26:34Because he would never hide anything from you.
26:46Right, Steve?
26:54Right.
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