- 5/8/2025
Married With Children Season 2 Episode 13 You Better Watch Out
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TVTranscript
00:00Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:14Go together like a horse and carriage
00:19This I tell you, brother
00:23You can't have one without the other
00:28Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:35It's an institute you can't disparage
00:40Ask the local gentry
00:44And they will say it's elementary
00:49Try, try, try to separate them
00:56It's an illusion
00:59Try, try, try and you will only come
01:07To this conclusion, love and marriage
01:26Yes, Christmas Eve is finally here
01:30And so is the new Lakeside Ball
01:33Bring the little kitties
01:34We've got six Santa's, no waiting
01:37And for you bigger kids
01:38Come to the Red Nose Bar
01:40And meet Santa's very special reindeer
01:43Donna
01:44Come on down, we're open till midnight
01:49Singers?
01:50Santa Claus is coming
01:53To the Lakeside Ball
01:55Thanks for the help, kids
02:01Oh, by the way, listen
02:04If you're thinking about what the get old dad for Christmas
02:06Don't worry about it
02:07You're already giving it to him
02:08It's called a hernia
02:12Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?
02:17Well, Kelly can shop
02:18You can get bombed
02:20And I can ride Santa's very special reindeer
02:23Dad, why don't we get Bud
02:27One of those scratching posts to rub against
02:30You know, it'll save the furniture
02:31You really want to save the furniture, Kel?
02:36Why don't you stop putting notches on your bedposts?
02:41Now, Bud, apologize to your sister
02:43No
02:44Okay
02:46So, Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?
02:52No, we can't
02:52And I'll tell you why
02:53That mall is killing your father
02:56Oh, I thought Mom was doing that
02:58Let me tell you kids something about that Lakeside Mall
03:02It's taken away all the business from my mall
03:05Which, if this continues
03:07We'll be broke and living in a cardboard box under the L
03:10Not us
03:12We'll be in a nice, warm foster home
03:15Come on, let's go, Kel
03:16Nobody move
03:17That mall's not so great
03:20Just a bunch of stores filled with cheap, gaudy merchandise
03:23That only appeals to the tasteless, low-class shopper
03:27Santa Claus is coming to the Lakeside Mall
03:33Oh, God, I love that Lakeside Mall
03:38Hey, Al, give me some money
03:40I'm going back
03:41Anyone want to come with me?
03:43I do, I do
03:44Peggy?
03:46I'm ashamed of you
03:47I know, Al
03:48Don't you understand?
03:54If people keep shopping there
03:55We'll be broke and living under the L
03:58Oh, not me
03:59I can always remarry
04:01And we'll be in a foster home
04:04Let's go shopping
04:05Uh, family, before you go
04:08Would you bring old daddy's shotgun and stand close together?
04:13Come on, Al
04:14I only go to that mall because it's so much closer and better than your mall
04:19I mean, it's not like I was buying shoes there
04:22You should see it, honey
04:29For Christmas, they have these little elves that help you with your packages
04:33And a real reindeer for the kids to ride
04:36Although I think he may be dying
04:39Well, then, let's hurry
04:42Yeah, come on, Al
04:43Santa is parachuting into the mall at 5 o'clock
04:47All right
04:48Oh, come on
04:50That's not what Christmas is about
04:52Christmas is about family and giving
04:56Okay, here's all the crap my family gave us last year
05:01Now it's time for the traditional re-wrapping of this garbage for your family
05:07Now
05:08Well, I'll accept Aunt Pooh's fruitcake
05:14Everyone in the family already got that
05:16Dad, you punted that around the house last year
05:19All right, we'll give it to Steve and Marcy
05:22Now, has anyone picked out a tree yet?
05:26Oh, you know, the tree in the Ginty house sure is pretty this year
05:30It's got lots of tinsel on it
05:32That'll be our tree
05:34Now, kids, that's your job
05:36He throws it out the day after Christmas
05:38So, bring it home
05:39Break it
05:40Ah, that about does it for Christmas this year
05:44Ah, I'm tired
05:45Ah
05:46Aren't you forgetting something greatest daddy in the world?
05:53Coolest dad in the universe
05:55You who makes my life worth living
05:58Ah, you all want your presents, don't you?
06:02No, we really love you
06:04Ah, life stinks
06:09Well, okay
06:10Let me go get my Christmas bonus
06:13And then I'll go buy your presents
06:16Dad, you didn't get our presents yet?
06:19It's Christmas Eve, the stores are gonna be packed
06:21Not in my mall, son
06:24Okay, he's gone
06:31Now for daddy's present
06:33Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of daddy's closet
06:37I'll get in a box
06:39Oh, no, no, no, wait
06:41It's Christmas
06:42We should make it special for him
06:44Bud, get one of his shirts, too
06:47Oh, gosh
06:50I just love Christmas
06:52I can't wait to see daddy's face when he opens it
07:00That's his favorite shirt
07:04Yeah, I saw a belt up there that would be great for his birthday
07:07Hi, do the Rhodes live here?
07:19Why?
07:20Uh, I have a delivery for them
07:21Oh, yes, I'm Mrs. Rhodes
07:24Oh, thank you
07:28Oh, gee, uh, I don't have any change
07:32Bud, could you take care of that, please?
07:41Thank you, dear
07:42Oh, kids, look at what we've got
07:47From, uh, the Schmitts
07:50From Philadelphia
07:52Hey, honey
07:54Look what we got from the Schmitts
07:57Ah, they're good people
07:59Uh, Dad
08:03I don't see any presents
08:05He probably has them in the car, stupid
08:08Don't you, Dad?
08:10Well, you know how
08:11Even when we didn't have too much
08:14We could always look at the poor people
08:15Who were less fortunate than us
08:17And feel better
08:18Well, let's find a mirror
08:20Business was so bad
08:25I didn't get a Christmas bonus this year
08:27Oh, Al, no
08:30You mean we told you we loved you for nothing?
08:35So you're telling us there's no reason to live
08:37Yes, I am
08:39Dad
08:43I'm not like the others
08:46I don't care if you have no money
08:48You're still my father, and I love you
08:50Thanks, son
08:52You're really getting me a present, right, Dad?
08:56I mean, you're just cutting out the women
08:57Good
08:58Because you should hear how they talk about you
09:01Nobody gets a present, son
09:05Pretty low, Dad
09:08Al
09:11Christmas without presents will
09:13Will be like our birthdays
09:15Happy birthday, hon
09:20I know what we can do
09:23Now let's go down to the Lakeside Mall
09:26Santa's gonna drop gift certificates
09:28When he jumps from a plane
09:29Yeah
09:30Let's trample the week and get all we can
09:33Go to the mall that killed me
09:37We wish you a Merry Christmas
09:45We wish you a Merry Christmas
09:47We wish you a Merry Christmas
09:49And a Happy New Year
09:51Delivery from Santa for the Bundys
09:53Bundys
09:54Oh, gee, well, thank you
09:57Good thing they're labeled
09:59I wouldn't want to get them mixed up with the presents Al gave us
10:03What did Peggy get you, Al?
10:08Irregularity
10:08And these two
10:12Al, have you been to that new mall?
10:15It is a sea of people
10:17Traffic is unbelievable
10:18Didn't ease up till we got near your mall
10:20Yeah, yeah, yeah
10:21Give me my present, Steve
10:23Al
10:24We thought long and hard about this
10:27And then we came up with the perfect gift
10:30Here
10:31We donated some money in your name
10:36To the National Organization for Women
10:38Merry Christmas
10:39Well, that's great
10:44Do I get tickets to their 10K man stomp?
10:46All right, it's our turn
10:50What did we get?
10:52What did we get?
10:53A fruitcake
10:58With a footprint on it
11:00Thank you
11:05Hey, do you mind if we turn on the TV?
11:08It's time for the news
11:09Maybe we'll show Santa parachuting into the Lakeside Mall
11:12Oh, come on
11:13It's the news
11:15There's plenty of important stuff on there
11:17I'm sure they're gonna spend their time to promote a mall
11:20Well, Connie, I'm here at the jam-packed Lakeside Mall
11:26And if their low prices aren't enough
11:30Santa, wearing a pair of high-top ring blocks
11:33Available to green cheese in the mall
11:35Will be parachuting in any minute now
11:39Yeah, and they wonder who's gonna fill Cronkite's shoes
11:42There's the Piper Cub coming out of the clouds now
11:47And Santa just made the jump
11:50What a beautiful free fall
11:53And don't forget, he's coming with a sack filled with gift certificates for the Lakeside Mall
11:59That's the Lakeside Mall where shopping isn't just fun
12:03It's news
12:05Come on
12:06Wow, look at him fly
12:09Why is he flapping his arms like that?
12:14Santa's shoe doesn't seem to be opening
12:17Uh-oh, he's being blown off course
12:23Our cameras have lost him
12:25Ladies and gentlemen, we don't know where he is
12:29Oh my God
12:53Oh my God
12:54Oh my God
12:56Oh my God
12:57Oh my God
12:58Oh my God
13:01Oh my God
13:02Hey, pig
13:11You know what we ought to do tonight?
13:14We ought to make some Christmas cookies
13:17Oh, yeah, and maybe some eggnog with nutmeg
13:20You ghouls
13:23Don't you understand?
13:26There's a splattered Santa all over your yard
13:28What do you want me to do, Steve?
13:33Quit eating?
13:36Oh my God
13:37Oh my God
13:38Oh my God
13:39Could you keep her quiet?
13:42We're trying to have a Christmas here
13:44Well, that about wraps it up out there
13:48Except for a few questions for the coroner's report
13:50If you don't mind
13:51Uh, did you, uh, know the deceased?
13:56Well, you know, I've read about him in books
13:58But in books, he's usually going up
14:03So that's a no
14:07Did anyone actually see him fall?
14:10Well, I wish
14:11You know, uh, son
14:17I don't want you to get confused here, okay?
14:20Uh, the real Santa would have never jumped out of a plane
14:22With a bottle of muscatel on each hand
14:24No, the real Santa, he's alive and well
14:28And he's living at the North Pole
14:30And he'll visit your house real soon
14:32I'm sure he'll find it
14:34Shouldn't be too hard
14:36Just follow the buzzards
14:38Is that your shoe, Al?
14:51Nope
14:52Oh my God
14:55Oh my God
14:56Oh my God
14:57You know, Mr. Bundy, uh, that's evidence
15:00Ah, what the hell
15:02It's Christmas
15:03Let him keep it
15:04Santa's gone
15:08I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again
15:12Well, you're in the right place
15:14Come on, Marcy
15:17These things happen
15:18When has this happened?
15:23Come on, Marcy
15:24Cheer up
15:25It could have been worse
15:27He could have landed on the picket fence
15:29Now calm down
15:36And have some Christmas pizza
15:38Oh my God
15:47Oh my God
15:48Oh my God
15:50Merry Christmas, folks
15:52Yeah, yeah
15:55God bless us, everyone
15:56We want Santa
16:00Uh-oh
16:05What's wrong now?
16:07The Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?
16:12Uh, no, there's kids out there
16:14This might have a bad effect on them
16:15I mean, this being Christmas
16:16And, uh, Santa here looking like tree sap and all
16:19And we can't take him out there now
16:22Swing him back over that way, boys
16:24Come on
16:24Oh my God
16:30Oh my God
16:31Oh my God
16:32It's okay, Marcy
16:35Come on
16:36I'll take you home
16:38Yes, home
16:39Where Perry Como sings
16:41And Santa's still alive
16:43Is Santa okay?
16:47We heard he landed in your yard
16:49Yeah!
16:50Oh, yes
16:51He's fine
16:53He's a fat, jolly man
16:55And he'll never leave us
16:57As long as there's a Christmas thing
16:59Killers!
17:07I'm gonna take Marcy upstairs and lay her down
17:10Put her on our bed
17:12Steve, I'm afraid
17:14I'll lay down newspaper
17:17Hey
17:20This bagel Santa's getting pretty heavy over here
17:23Oh, just put him over by the presents
17:25There's plenty of room there
17:28You know, no matter how many bodies I handle
17:32Christmas corpses always get me down
17:34But that's it
17:36Now listen
17:37We're trying to have a holiday here
17:39So why don't you get out of here
17:41And take the spirit of Christmas with you
17:43Hey
17:44I'd love to, Mr. Grinch
17:46But I'm not taking him out there with those kids out there
17:49Al, get rid of those kids
17:51If I knew how to do that
17:53We wouldn't have ours
17:54Okay, everybody
17:59Uh, boys and girls
18:02Uh, and you, Tony
18:04Uh, Santa's okay
18:07Now he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking
18:11And, uh, he's in the bathroom bent over
18:15But he's going to be fine
18:18So, go home
18:20We want to see him
18:23No
18:24I'm rolling them out right now
18:32Al, they're children
18:33Well, this will grow them up
18:35Uh, sorry, Bundy
18:38I can't just do that
18:39For the sake of their mental health
18:40That body's not going anywhere until those kids have left
18:43Uh, you know, pizza
18:45It always reminds me of my first day on the job
18:48Al, you know what you have to do
18:58We want Santa!
19:03Come on, Santa!
19:06Ho, ho, ho!
19:08Hi, everybody!
19:11Yay, Santa!
19:12Thank you, thank you
19:15I'm fine
19:16I landed on my belly
19:18Ho, ho, ho!
19:21Merry Christmas
19:22Each and every one
19:24And remember
19:25I know when you've been sleeping
19:28I know when you're awake
19:30You, Joey
19:32I know it was you
19:34Let that bag of duty
19:36And put it on the Bundy porch
19:37So you're out of luck this Christmas
19:40But the rest of you
19:43Will get plenty
19:45And remember
19:45Santa's not at the Lakeside Mall
19:48Santa hates the Lakeside Mall
19:51So go on home now
19:53And torture your parents
19:55Ho, ho, ho!
19:57Well, what did you bring us?
19:59Uh, nothing
19:59Nothing yet
20:03That's why I gotta get back
20:05To the North Pole
20:06With, uh
20:07Dancer and Prancer
20:09And, uh
20:09Donald and Goofy
20:12But we haven't told you
20:15What we want
20:16Santa knows
20:18Then what do I want?
20:20Hmm
20:20I don't know
20:23What do you want?
20:25I want to sit on your lap
20:26Uh
20:27All right, but make it fast
20:29Santa has hemorrhoids
20:31What do you want?
20:38I want to know
20:39Why you came to
20:39Old Man Bundy's house
20:41Oh, well
20:42I came to bring him
20:43Special presents
20:44Because he
20:45Sells women's shoes
20:47And is
20:47Cursed with a foul wife
20:49And has
20:50Ungrateful kids
20:51But still
20:52He goes on
20:53But he's a butthead
20:55No, he's not
21:02He's the nicest man
21:04On the block
21:05Boy, you must be Santa
21:07I told you I was
21:09What do you want?
21:10I want a real life horse
21:12Hmm
21:13Your mom's the one
21:15Who makes pies
21:16For everyone in the neighborhood
21:18But those nice Bundys
21:20Isn't she?
21:20All right
21:23Santa will leave you a horse
21:25Tonight under your tree
21:26But if it's not there
21:29In the morning
21:29It's because your mommy
21:31Chased it away
21:32And killed it
21:33Next
21:37Ah, don't jump on Santa's lap
21:46Too hard, little girl
21:47Mrs. Claus won't like that
21:49No, no, Nestor
21:55Despite what your mom says
21:57Mr. Bundy doesn't really
21:58Sprout a tail at midnight
22:00But here's a special
22:03Christmas gift for Daddy
22:04Tell him to come home
22:07For lunch someday
22:08Around when
22:09Mr. Mailman's there
22:11With a special delivery
22:12For mommy
22:13That'll be a real
22:15Yuletide treat
22:16For old dad
22:17What do I get?
22:21A new home
22:22And a fresh new mommy
22:24Oh, oh, oh, oh
22:26Well, old Santa's
22:29Gotta hit the road
22:30But I'm gonna go in
22:31And say goodbye
22:32To my favorite family
22:34The Bundys
22:35And be nice to them
22:36Or you won't get
22:37Any Christmas gifts
22:39Next year
22:39Santa smells like beer
22:43Hey, catch me
22:45In five minutes
22:45I'll smell like hard liquor
22:47Oh, oh, oh
22:48On Dondi
22:50On Dumbo
22:51Hi-yo, silver, away
22:53Yay, Santa!
22:56Well, they're gone
23:02All dead guys
23:04And non-relatives
23:05Out
23:06So long, Kel
23:08Yeah, like
23:09They really intended
23:10To have you
23:11Now, kids
23:12We wanted both of you
23:14It was your father
23:16I didn't plan on
23:17I'm feeling a little
23:20Better now
23:21Oh, no
23:22He was better off
23:24Dead
23:25Ho, ho, ho
23:26Oh, great
23:29It's probably an elf
23:30With a knife
23:31In his back
23:31Hi
23:36Uh, is this the house
23:37Where the, uh
23:38Yuletide incident occurred?
23:40Well, it's it to you
23:41Well, I'm from
23:42The Lakeside Mall
23:43And I
23:43I just wanted to
23:44Offer our apologies
23:45For any inconvenience
23:46This may have caused
23:47Hey
23:48No problem
23:49No inconvenience
23:51You just took
23:52All my business
23:53Cost me my bonus
23:54Made my family hate me
23:56That's right
23:57And on top of all that
24:00You slam dunked Santa
24:02Into my backyard
24:03And almost ruined Christmas
24:04For every kid in the neighborhood
24:05Almost
24:06Well, you see
24:07My husband
24:08Dressed up as Santa
24:10So the kids would know
24:11He was okay
24:12By the way
24:14Love your mall
24:15You've got it all
24:17So, uh
24:19No one around here
24:20Knows what really happened, huh?
24:22Nope
24:22Thanks to me
24:24Hey, that ought to be
24:26Worth something, huh?
24:28Not anymore
24:29I mean, if the kids
24:31Think Santa's okay
24:32Santa's okay
24:34So why should I bribe you
24:36To say something
24:37You've already said
24:38Be stupid
24:39Kind of like paying
24:41That dead guy
24:42For disappointing
24:43A whole parking lot
24:44Full of kids
24:44I'm saving money
24:47Right and left here
24:48It's the best Christmas
24:50I've ever had
24:51Well
24:54What about wraps it up here
24:55Roll them out, boys
24:57You know, Bundy
24:58You're a decent guy
25:00So here's a little tip
25:01From me to you
25:02Don't die
25:03With your jewelry on, huh?
25:11Well, Al
25:12Look at it this way
25:14You did a nice thing
25:16Cost us a nice bribe
25:18And a shot
25:19At a happy Christmas
25:20Thank you, Father, kids
25:22Thanks, Dad
25:23Yeah, I know
25:26I let everybody down
25:27It's okay, Dad
25:29It's not like this
25:30Never happened before
25:32Yeah
25:32I mean
25:34The Santa corpse
25:35Was a new twist
25:36But
25:36Heck, it's something
25:37To tell his psychiatrist
25:38Later on in life
25:39Yes
25:42It's a Bundy Christmas
25:43And unfortunately
25:45We're Bundys
25:47What's that?
25:51I don't know
25:51But if it's dead
25:52And has a red nose
25:53We'll throw it
25:54In Stephen Marcy's yard
25:55What is it, Al?
26:04I don't know
26:05It looks like it fell
26:05Off the roof
26:06Hey, look
26:07It's $10 certificates
26:09From the Lakeside Mall
26:10Hundreds of them
26:12It must have been
26:12A bad Santa had
26:13When he jumped
26:14Oh, we're rich
26:15We're rich
26:16And I found it
26:18Oh, thank your father, kids
26:20Thanks, Dad
26:21Let's go bust them all
26:24But first
26:24A moment of silence
26:26Because we owe a lot
26:28To that jolly
26:29Flat man
26:31Look at that
26:36All the Lisman said
26:43Many times
26:45Many ways
26:47Many ways
26:52I'm going to go bust them all
27:03Goodbye
27:03I'm going to go bust them all
27:04And I'm going to go bust them all
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