- 5/8/2025
Married With Children Season 2 Episode 15 Build A Better Mousetrap
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TVTranscript
00:00Love and marriage
00:11Love and marriage
00:14Go together like a horse and carriage
00:19This I tell you, brother
00:24You can't have one without the other
00:29Love and marriage
00:32Love and marriage
00:35It's an institute you can't disparage
00:40Ask the local gentry
00:45And they will say it's elementary
00:50Try, try, try to separate them
00:56It's an illusion
01:00Try, try, try and you will only come
01:07To this conclusion
01:11Love and marriage
01:14Uh, mom, are you gonna make any breakfast today?
01:26Nah, I'm not hungry
01:29Well, maybe tomorrow
01:33Hey, did anybody hear any noises last night?
01:40Well, your father had gas
01:44No, these were noises I never heard before
01:51Well, then it could have been a girl moaning your name
01:55Hey, we're out of toilet paper
02:02Daddy's up
02:06Daddy's up
02:11Use some tissues
02:14Where are the tissues?
02:17On the top shelf of the linen closet
02:23I think
02:24You need anything
02:26Well, daddy's gonna be in a mood
02:33Just tell him I went shopping
02:35Could you get us some milk?
02:42Did you hear any noises last night, Kel?
02:46Well, I mean, for a while I thought they were coming from your room
02:50But they weren't the usual noises
02:53You know, the whispers
02:56Quiet, you'll wake up my parents
02:59Then the muffled sound of eight footsteps heading from the window
03:03Then the sound of loose change heading the pillow
03:07You know, bud
03:11With your good looks, I think that you should be a model
03:14I mean, I could see it now
03:17Your little face on a poster with the caption
03:20My daddy didn't use a condom
03:35You know, I had a horrible dream last night
03:38There was this big mosquito
03:40With a huge red head and tight pants
03:45Hovering over me, sucking money from my wallet
03:51Then he wanted a kiss
03:57By the way, where is your mother?
04:00Uh, she went shopping
04:04The garage or basement?
04:05Basement
04:08Basement
04:10Did you hear any noises last night?
04:12Uh, it might have been me sobbing, son
04:14Ah!
04:16Ah!
04:18Ah!
04:20Ah!
04:22Ah!
04:24Ah!
04:25Al, it was horrible
04:27It was terrible
04:28I've never been so scared in my entire life
04:30What's the matter?
04:31What's the matter?
04:32You see the vacuum?
04:38No!
04:39Al, it was a mouse
04:41How great!
04:42This is all our life was missing
04:44Kill it, Al!
04:45Well, don't worry
04:47As soon as it sees how we live, it'll go away
04:50I know I would
04:53No!
04:54Al, you gotta kill it
04:56It was so disgusting
04:57Oh, hold me
04:59Oh, why?
05:01I didn't do anything wrong
05:04Why are you so afraid of a little mouse anyway?
05:09Well, it all started when I was five
05:14You see, I found this little stray chihuahua puppy in the yard
05:21I snuck it past my mother and I kept it in my room
05:25I slept with it and snuggled it and kissed it
05:29And then one day it got sick
05:32And still you go on kissing others
05:35Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher
05:46And I said, what's wrong with my dog?
05:49She said, that's not a dog, dear
05:52It's a mouse
05:56And then she threw up
05:59And then all the kids threw up
06:00And then they made up this little song about me
06:05Mouse in your face, worms in your hair
06:08Where's the little mouse girl?
06:10There, there, there
06:21Well, that's sweet, thank you very much
06:25Well, kids, I think we learned something today
06:27Don't touch your mother, she has cooties
06:39Al, call an exterminator
06:43Great, $50 for someone to kill some stupid mouse?
06:47I'll take care of it after work
06:49But I don't know what the big deal is
06:51I mean, what harm can one little mouse do?
06:53Well, that takes care of that
07:07The traps are set, that mouse has seconds to live
07:12So, as usual, it proves that daddy's life is dirt
07:16And, uh, he's defeated the enemy
07:19Don't be too sure, dad
07:23It says right here that mice are pretty intelligent
07:26Yeah, right
07:28Look, bud, a mouse has a brain about this big
07:31Mine's at least twice that size
07:35Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again
07:41Dad, you cannot be serious
07:44A mouse trap in my room?
07:46The guys under the bed object, Kel?
07:50Dad, it's a humiliation
07:52I mean, what are my friends gonna think when they come over and see mouse traps all over the place?
07:56Well, they'll think that unlike Mr. Bundy, the mouse gets to eat before he dies
07:59Mom, how long are we gonna have to live with this mouse?
08:02Well, your father's taking care of it
08:04Oh, great, might as well build him a room
08:06But does anybody but me think it's strange that with the three of you here, it's the mouse I'm after?
08:10Dad, look, I'm going bowling
08:12Oh, no, you're not
08:27You are not leaving this family alone until either you or that mouse is dead
08:33Wow, what a horse race
08:36He's done
08:47What?
08:53Why doesn't somebody check the trap?
08:56Well, I can't, it's just too disgusting
09:00Oh, come on, you used to sleep with one
09:06Well, I sleep with you too, but you don't see me cleaning up after you, do you?
09:13This is great
09:15Daddy, I need money, Daddy, I need food
09:18Daddy, we need somebody to clean up a mouse with a broken neck
09:22Just once I'd like to hear, Al, I'm out of here and I'm taking the kids
09:25But on the good side, life is half over
09:36Kids, I am sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse
09:45But you know, there are just some things from childhood you just can't forget
09:48I hope that isn't true, Mom
09:52How about a hug?
09:56Can't, Mom
09:58You've got cooties
10:06Is he down there? Did you get him? What happened, Al?
10:10He dutied on the trap
10:11And in my bowling shoes
10:16Oh, my God
10:20He was in your shoes and he lived?
10:27This is no ordinary mouse
10:30Can we call the exterminator now?
10:33No, no, it's personal now
10:34Not only will I kill this mouse, I'll torture it
10:45I'll smack him around
10:48I'll throw it against the wall
10:51And if there's one spark of life left in its twitching little body
10:56I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open, and make it watch 30-something
11:01No one duties in Al Bundy's shoes and lives
11:14No one duties in Al Bundy's shoes and lives
11:37I'm worried about Daddy
11:40Shhh
11:41Mom, even if the mouse is stupid enough to stick his head out for the cheese
11:47Won't Dad smash his hand with a hammer?
11:52Yes, Bud, he will
11:54But, you know, everyone who watches Roadrunner cartoons
11:58Knows the coyote is going over the cliff
12:01But you watch it and laugh anyway
12:03Anyway
12:08Uh huh
12:12Ah
12:16Beep beep
12:18I can hear him laughing Pig
12:29I can hear him laughing, Peg.
12:34He thinks he's got me.
12:37No, Al.
12:38He's laughing because he knows I've got you.
12:44Well, you know, I have no insurance, so you must be killing me for the sport.
12:49Honey, believe me.
12:51Don't you think I wish you could do things like kill a mouse, make love, earn a living?
12:59But, sweetheart, you can't.
13:02Now, I've learned to live with poverty and frustration, but I just have to draw the line when it comes to rodents.
13:10So please call an exterminator.
13:13Maybe, just maybe, a professional can succeed where an idiot has failed.
13:21Well, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
13:23You get a pro in here, catch him in a couple of seconds, and leave me standing there looking stupid.
13:27Yeah, you and the mouse would really get a chuckle out of that.
13:34Well, don't count on it, because I haven't played all my cards yet.
13:39I went downstairs, and I only pretended to take up all the traps.
13:44But I left one, a big one, with a nice, juicy piece of cheese.
13:50And this one won't go off with just a little pressure, giving him time to escape.
13:53No.
13:54This one takes the entire body of a mouse to set it off.
13:58I checked it myself.
14:02You know, that's what really sets you apart, Al.
14:09An average Joe would have used a stick.
14:11You're stupid, Doug!
14:28Al, honey, listen.
14:33You tried.
14:35You did your best, but you're just not smart enough.
14:40Now, please call an exterminator.
14:44No one has to know.
14:47You know, we could tell everybody that you caught it.
14:50How would that be?
14:52Well...
14:52He's chewing, Al.
14:58He's always chewing.
14:59Now, what do you say?
15:02Dad!
15:04Dad, the mouse chewed through the wires!
15:09What do I say, Peg?
15:11I say stand back,
15:13because I'm kicking some mouse ass!
15:22And $75 for the vet.
15:39Oh, and then there's the electrician.
15:41They're really expensive.
15:43That's another $200.
15:44That comes to $680 in damages from one mouse.
15:54I'm sorry, Peggy.
15:56Why can't men ever utter the words,
15:59I don't know how?
16:01Even on our honeymoon,
16:03Al just would not admit it.
16:07I really thought Steve would be able to talk Al
16:10into getting an exterminator.
16:12But, just like a man, he says,
16:16we can do it ourselves.
16:18Don't go upstairs.
16:47Sometimes we set off some bombs.
16:51Tell Bud I think his goldfish is dead.
16:55How's my oxygen, Al?
16:58Good. Mine?
17:01Check. Let's hit the basement.
17:04And they wanted to hire an exterminator.
17:17Well, at least yours makes money.
17:24Yes, and yours...
17:26It's him!
17:3712 o'clock!
17:38No one hide!
17:39Watch him! Watch him!
17:41What happened?
17:51Steve came up behind me. I thought he was the mouse.
17:58I shot from the hip.
18:00I'll tell you this. If that mouse had been where Steve's face was, he'd be one dead mouse.
18:06Did we get him?
18:08No, buddy, but we took out the water heater.
18:14Steve? Pumpkin?
18:18Who's speaking?
18:21It's Marcy, Steve.
18:24Maybe now you'll tell Al to hire a professional?
18:28It's just like you, Marcy.
18:31It's like when we're out driving.
18:33And I know where I'm going, and you keep saying ask someone.
18:37It is so irritating.
18:42By the way, Marcy, I inhaled a great quantity of poison.
18:47Don't worry about it, Steve.
18:49It wasn't for nothing.
18:51We may not have got him with a direct hit, but I tell you this.
18:54He'll be dropping soon, because we cut short the lifespan of every living thing in this house.
19:03That's him.
19:10He's not running as fast as he used to.
19:12Saddle up, Steve. We're going back in.
19:15Forget it, Al. The mouse beat you.
19:18Now, you know it. We know it.
19:20And Steve...
19:23Well, if he didn't have toxic poisoning, he'd know it, too.
19:28Now, I am calling an exterminator.
19:30Don't call an exterminator.
19:32Why not?
19:34Because we melted the phone line when we took out the water heater.
19:40It's okay, Peggy. You can use my phone.
19:44Steve, you don't look so good. Honey, come on home, and I'll lie you down.
19:50Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
19:53Well, I can take care of myself. The feeling's coming back to my feet, and I'm seeing colors again.
20:03So I'm fine. You go ahead. I know what I'm doing.
20:08Come on, Peg.
20:09I think I'm dying, Al.
20:23Right. Well, we won't give her the satisfaction. We'll pretend that you're just real sick.
20:32All right, buddy.
20:35Ah, but I'll tell you.
20:38We made one hell of a team down there, didn't we?
20:41No, we didn't, Steve. We shot each other in the face with poison while he danced on the walls.
20:46What became of my life? I used to win.
20:52Sports, fights, anything I'd put my mind to, I'd win.
20:57You know why, Steve?
20:59Oh, just tell me, Al. My innards are rotting.
21:04Okay.
21:06It's because no matter how big the guy was I was up against, I wouldn't quit.
21:09I remember one football game, we were up against this team, had the biggest linebacker in the city.
21:16It was like a building with teeth.
21:20I tried finessing him, faking him, but he was always there.
21:25He was real good, real, real cocky.
21:29I don't like cocky guys.
21:32Anyhow, towards the end of the game, I decided that I was going to try something that no one else tried before with this guy.
21:37I was going to run right at him.
21:41I ran right over him like a bus over an ice cream cone.
21:48It was the only touchdown we scored that day, but I was a winner.
21:54You know what becomes a winner, Steve?
21:57They become shoe salesmen.
21:59They lose to their kids and their wives.
22:06To a mouse.
22:10You know something, Al?
22:12I think I am going to go home and lie down.
22:16It's not so much the poison as your life is making me sick.
22:19You know what the problem is with this mouse, Steve?
22:27We've been too cute with him.
22:29We've been finessing him.
22:30We've been faking him.
22:32He's cocky.
22:34I don't like cocky mice.
22:38So this time, I'm going right at him.
22:42Al?
22:43What are you doing up there?
22:48I have a date with a mouse, Peg.
23:03Dad's gone, isn't he?
23:12Will we be getting a new dad?
23:15Al?
23:17Honey?
23:19I like the mouse.
23:22Really?
23:24Kids, don't we like that mouse?
23:27Oh, yeah.
23:29He's the coolest.
23:30He's the deadest.
23:38Okay, kids.
23:39Now listen to me carefully.
23:40Remember when we used to have that fire drill
23:42where we would calmly walk single file to the nearest exit?
23:46Well, this is no drill.
23:47Let's just get the hell out of here.
23:55Say cheese.
23:58Hello.
24:00Al?
24:09Al?
24:10Are you okay?
24:12Call me a doctor, Peg.
24:13Well, what happened?
24:15I think I dislocated my shoulder.
24:18This thing kicks like a mule.
24:19Oh, by the way, I missed it.
24:20And we have no furnace.
24:21Hi, folks.
24:34I'm Wally from Wally's Pest Control.
24:36We hate Mises to pieces.
24:38Yeah, we used to hold it, but the cartoon characters can't sue.
24:44You'll never get him.
24:48Come on.
24:49He's right down here in the basement.
24:51Never.
24:52Not in a million years.
24:54This is a mouse from hell.
24:57You'll never get him, Peg.
24:59That little wimp like that.
25:01The mouse will have him for dinner.
25:04Well, got him.
25:05Got him.
25:08You didn't get him.
25:09No one could get him.
25:11Well, nobody just did.
25:13It was easy.
25:15Poor thing was trapped on a piece of wood in the rising water down there.
25:19Technically, I got him.
25:23I'm the one that blew up the basement.
25:25So I got him, right?
25:30Sure he did.
25:31Ha!
25:33Let me see him.
25:37That's him.
25:39You don't look so tough in there, do you?
25:43You know, lots of times, kids get these little white mice as pets.
25:48Parents won't let him keep him, so they just turn him loose in the streets.
25:53Wanna see him, Mrs. Bindy?
25:55Oh, no!
25:56Get that away!
25:57Oh, come on, Peg.
25:58He can't hurt you.
26:00You gotta learn to face your fears.
26:02Now take a look at him.
26:03Just one.
26:04Stop being a girl.
26:05Gee, Al, you were right.
26:19All these years I've been deathly afraid of mice, and for nothing it took you to show me that.
26:25Thanks, Al.
26:27Uh-huh.
26:29Good night, honey.
26:31Good night, Peg.
26:32Good night, Peg.
26:48Isn't that cute, Al?
26:50He's running on the treadmill.
26:51Ha, ha, ha, ha!
26:52Oh, he's running on the treadmill!
26:53Ha, ha, ha, ha!
26:54Ha, ha, ha, ha!
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