- 5/8/2025
Married With Children Season 2 Episode 14 Guys And Dolls
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TVTranscript
00:00Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:14Go together like a horse and carriage
00:19This I tell you, brother
00:23You can't have one without the other
00:29Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:35It's an institute you can't disparage
00:40Ask the local gentry
00:45And they will say it's elementary
00:50Try, try, try to separate them
00:56It's an illusion
01:00Try, try, try and you will only come
01:07To this conclusion
01:11Love and marriage
01:14What's the matter, Kel?
01:25Are the contractions five minutes apart?
01:30What's the matter, bud?
01:31Puberty five years away
01:33Come on, Kel, we're blood
01:36If you've got a problem, maybe I can help
01:39Well, mom and dad are at parent-teacher night and I'm scared
01:44You know, mom and dad make me sick
01:48When are they gonna realize that you're stupid and leave you alone?
01:57Yuck it up, malignancy
01:59No, I've gotta start doing better
02:02I've got this book report due and I haven't even read the book
02:05It's called Robinson Crusoe
02:09Well, I've read that
02:10I can help you
02:11For a small fee, of course
02:14Okay
02:19Robinson Crusoe was marooned on a desert island
02:23The only people there were him
02:27Friday
02:28The professor
02:31Mary Ann
02:32Ginger
02:32And the rest
02:37Wait a minute, wait a minute
02:38Slow down, slow down
02:39The professor
02:42Right
02:44Now
02:46In the first chapter, they had to get around the island
02:49So Gilligan, I mean, uh, Robinson
02:53And the professor
02:55Built the car that ran on coconuts
02:57Oh, cool
02:58You know
03:06Robinson always sang this little song around the island
03:10You may want to do it in front of the class
03:13It shows you read carefully
03:18Just sit right back in here
03:22A tale of a fateful trip
03:25It started from this tropic port
03:29Aboard this tiny ship
03:31The mate
03:35Now that's Robinson
03:36Was a mighty sailing man
03:39The skipper
03:40Brave and sure
03:41Five passengers
03:42That sailed that day
03:44For a three
03:44Hour tour
03:45A three
03:46Hour tour
03:48Twice
03:50It's important
03:55That's mom and dad
04:00Come on, we'll finish this later
04:01Tell them that I'm upstairs
04:04Working really hard on my report
04:05I'm finally gonna get an A
04:08Hi mom, hi dad
04:12Kelly said she's upstairs
04:14Listening to the radio and dancing
04:16Ooh
04:20You two look pretty mad
04:22But in Kelly's defense
04:24Wait till after she's turned in a book report
04:26We owe her that much
04:27Kelly is not the problem, bud
04:30She has moved up to a good solid D
04:34Now you are the one who's in trouble
04:38We went to your school
04:39And saw your social studies report
04:41You know, Brazil, land of rubber and sunshine
04:45Would you care to explain this picture
04:48Of your sister in a bikini?
04:55Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil
04:58So how'd I do?
05:01Like your father in life
05:03You failed
05:04Now, bud
05:05I want you to go upstairs
05:08And do not come back down
05:10Until you figure out
05:11Something else to do with your time
05:13Besides torturing your sister
05:15Why don't you just ask me
05:17To stop breathing?
05:20It's what I am
05:21It's what I do
05:21I'll tell you what
05:23I'll help Kelly with her homework
05:25Good boy
05:26You know, Al
05:34I think I know what the problem is
05:36He just has too much free time
05:38Now, what can we do about that?
05:41Well, we could get him a wife
05:43I meant like a hobby
05:48You know, a father-son thing
05:50Something he could learn from you
05:52Let's see
05:54You can't teach balding
05:56He already knows how to go to the bathroom
06:01And he's too young to drink
06:03G-Pig, if you wanted a hug
06:06Why didn't you just ask for one?
06:08It's us, Steve and Marcy
06:15Hurry, it's important
06:18Excuse me, son
06:31Do you know these people?
06:34No
06:35Al
06:35Please
06:38We picked them up for soliciting
06:40At a Joe's Cocktail Lounge
06:42I told you, officer
06:44We were just role-playing
06:46To spice up our marriage
06:48And we lost our ID
06:50When we were running from you
06:51It's all a big mistake
06:53Tell them who we are, Al
06:56Eh, it's the neighbors
06:57The hooker and the sailor
06:59I see
07:03Just a little yuppie game player
07:06Well, let me tell you something about police
07:12We don't like it when you jerk us around
07:15I could be out there scaring kids
07:18Or driving with the siren on
07:21So next time you want to put some fun in your marriage
07:25Do what me and my wife do
07:27Cheat on each other
07:29Oh, Marcy, that's a nice outfit
07:36Can I borrow it?
07:37I have a wedding to go to
07:39May I use your phone?
07:42I have to call a locksmith
07:44I lost our keys when Steve knocked me over
07:47Running from the squad car
07:49So
07:51What's new with you guys?
07:55Well, we were just trying to figure out a hobby for Bud
07:58You know, to keep him out of trouble
08:00Something he could do with Al
08:02Well
08:03You guys could come over together in the morning
08:06And steal my paper
08:07No, my mornings are for me
08:09What about flying?
08:12Or polo?
08:13How about collecting original Picassos?
08:16Hell, I make minimum wage
08:17We can start with one of his bad ones
08:19They'll be over in an hour
08:23Sure, it'll just fly by
08:25Well, you know, a hobby doesn't have to be expensive
08:29When I was a kid, I collected baseball cards
08:31Yeah, you too?
08:33Yeah
08:33I had some great ones
08:34Well, my mother threw them all out
08:37Yep, mine too
08:38Women
08:40Greatest hobby in the world
08:44And women just don't get it
08:46No, Al
08:47What I just don't get is sex
08:49That's going to be Bud's new hobby
08:54Sex?
08:57No, baseball cards
08:59Bud, come down here
09:00Why don't you find Bud something more cultural and intellectually stimulating?
09:06Oh, Marcy, they're men
09:08To them, something intellectually stimulating
09:11Is comparing today's Elmer Fudd
09:13With the original Fatter Fudd
09:16Hey, he has lost weight, hasn't he, Steve?
09:24It's like a totally different Fudd, Al
09:26Let's get some coffee, Mars
09:29What's up, Dad?
09:34Bud, I want to talk to you about your new hobby
09:36What's my new hobby, Dad?
09:39Collecting baseball cards
09:40How long have I had this new hobby, Dad?
09:43Uh, about two minutes, son
09:46Do I like it?
09:49Yeah, but you know something, Bud
09:52The players today are kind of boring
09:55When Al and I were young, they were great
09:58Yeah, yeah
09:59And see, that's what you're going to do, Bud
10:00You're going to collect cards from when me and Steve were kids
10:04You are going to collect
10:06The all-time greatest Cub team ever
10:10Oh, man
10:13Look at them over there
10:19Men are such idiots
10:21And I married their king
10:24Baseball cards
10:29I mean, what is the big deal, anyway?
10:31It's just a bunch of guys holding their bats
10:33They ought to show pictures of them the way they really are
10:37Grabbing their privates
10:39Spitting
10:40And patting each other on the butt for
10:43Good luck
10:45I hate baseball
10:49All the boys at school loved baseball
10:53I can still hear them talking
10:55Baseball, baseball, baseball
10:57Gee, there's Marcy, let's throw a rock at her
11:00Baseball, baseball, baseball
11:02I hate men
11:03They're stupid, ignorant animals
11:05With stupid, ignorant hobbies
11:07They hated me
11:09But I didn't need them
11:11I had Barbie
11:13And I had a very special bathtub toy
11:21Who's Barbie?
11:30Who's Barbie?
11:32America's favorite teenage fashion model
11:35That's who
11:36Oh, you mean a Barbie doll
11:39Yeah, I had one of those
11:42I gave it to my boyfriend Keith
11:44As a symbol of our love
11:46He was gay as a debutante, you know?
11:51I still have my Barbie
11:53She's been wrapped up safe and sound
11:56In her original box for 20 years now
11:58Just waiting for the day
12:00When I can pass her on to my little girl
12:02Kelly had a bunch of that Barbie stuff
12:05But to tell you the truth
12:06I never understood the fascination with Barbie
12:09But I could sure strip Ken with my teeth
12:13Yes, I'm sure
12:18But I loved Barbie
12:22It was a way to escape
12:24The whole idea was for Barbie
12:27To live the life you wanted for yourself
12:29You know, this really is fun
12:41Hey, is there such a thing as an old, rich Ken doll
12:45That's about to kick the bucket?
12:46That way my Barbie wouldn't have to hide these kins
12:52At 5 o'clock when the owl doll comes home from the shoe store
12:56Barbie was meant to be dressed beautifully
13:01And properly accessorized
13:03Not to be lying around rubbed by a bunch of horny kins
13:07Well, you've got your accessories
13:13And I've got mine
13:14Hey, let's go downstairs
13:18And see what else of calories we can play with
13:20Okay
13:21And after we disinfect your Barbie dream house
13:24I'll get out my Barbie
13:25I hope your kins can handle it
13:29Hey, I can't believe it
13:33Those old cards are really expensive
13:35But I sold everything I could
13:37But we got 7 of the 9 all-time cubs
13:40What a great store, huh?
13:43And a great afternoon
13:44Think we should have taken Bud with us?
13:47Why?
13:48He'd only get in the way
13:49Yeah, you're right
13:51Now
13:52All he needs is Kent Hubs and Ernie Banks
13:55And they're pretty expensive
13:57Great move, you selling your wife's old doll
14:00What?
14:01What, the old Barbie in the basement?
14:03She'll never even miss it
14:04Bud, here's the crowning jewel of your collection
14:16I just got it
14:18Don't touch it
14:19Now, all you need is Ernie Banks
14:23I'm proud of you, son
14:24Well, I'm proud of you, too, Dad
14:27You men are such children
14:30Now, where's Barbie's pumps?
14:35I guess I'm the man of the house now, eh, folks?
14:42Bud, I am going to kill you
14:45Oh, yeah, today was book report day
14:49How'd you do, Kel?
14:53How did I do?
14:56I had a meeting with the principal
14:58A three-hour meeting
15:00A three-hour meeting
15:02You see, Bud
15:10You innocently mixed up Robinson Crusoe and Gilligan's Island
15:15I told them that
15:18But the principal didn't believe me
15:20He just said
15:21Even you, Ms. Bundy, are not that stupid
15:24But he was wrong, wasn't he, Kel?
15:30Well, to make a long story short
15:35I'm a laughingstock
15:37You are going to die
15:39And I'm suspended until I do report on all the works of some guy named Poe
15:44You mean, like, the Telltale Heart?
15:48Yeah
15:49You really know that one?
15:52Well, sure, it's the one with Cousin It
15:54Really?
16:00Yeah, come on
16:02I'll tell you all about it
16:03There really is a song in this one
16:07She may not graduate
16:17You know that thing
16:18Steve, we've been robbed
16:22They took my Barbie
16:24Not the one you were saving to give your daughter
16:27And it was someone we know
16:31They went right for her
16:32Steve, find them
16:34Find them and kill them
16:35No, don't kill them
16:39Bring them to me
16:41I'll kill them
16:43But not at first
16:45First, I'll take a hammer
16:47And smash their toes
16:49Little to big
16:51Then if it was a man
16:54And I know it was a man
16:55I'll turn the hammer around
16:58Steve, get the cops
17:11Show them this
17:13I dug up this picture of her
17:15It was taken the night of her first date with Ken
17:18Uh, Marcy, why don't you come upstairs
17:23Lie down and have a good cry on my bed
17:27God knows it's used to tears
17:30Both sides, Peg
17:34I'm in big trouble, Al
17:42Ash, I'll never know it was you
17:44Steve, they left a clue
17:46I found a hair
17:48It's just like a fingerprint
17:50No two are alike
17:52We'll find him
17:54We'll find him
17:56Oh, yeah
17:58I gotta get that dog back, Al
18:03I'm gonna call the guy we sold it to
18:07Remember, Kel
18:09Quote the raven
18:11You rang
18:13Dad, you know
18:18I haven't given you this baseball card thing a fair chance
18:21So I'm gonna have my friend Teddy come over and check it out
18:24Go ahead, bud
18:25That's what they're here for
18:26Like he'll get your own hobby
18:30Al
18:33The store was robbed
18:36Barbie's gone and I'm a dead man
18:39Oh, well
18:40Here's a question for you
18:42In 1966, which cub had a 28-game hitting streak?
18:49Al, don't you understand?
18:50If I don't get Marcy's doll back
18:5228 games?
18:5566?
18:57Billy Williams
18:58Ron Santos
18:59I was gonna say Ron Santos
19:00Anyhow, the way I figure it
19:06Somebody from the neighborhood broke into that store
19:09Which means that Barbie is probably still in the area
19:14Steve, you're not telling me that we're gonna comb the streets looking for a stupid Barbie doll
19:20No
19:23Laughter
19:23.
19:36.
19:36.
19:38.
19:40.
21:42Well, so my teeth are loose, but we got her.
21:53Oh, Steve.
21:59That's not my Barbie.
22:02My Barbie has a little crescent-shaped cut on the heel of her left foot.
22:07She got it jogging on the beach with Ken.
22:10You don't love me!
22:19Al, those motorcycle guys hurt me.
22:23I know they did.
22:27I know they did.
22:27I know they did.
22:29They did.
22:33Oh, yeah.
22:36And I'd say...
22:37Oh, yeah.
22:38Oh, yeah.
22:39Yeah?
22:39Oh, yeah.
22:40Oh, yeah.
22:42Oh, yeah.
22:43Oh, yeah.
25:14Steve, you're the most wonderful husband in the whole wide world.
25:36Let's go home.
25:44Uh, Marcy?
25:45I think I need a dentist.
25:48I'm seriously hurt here.
25:50Thank God you're all right.
25:52What say tomorrow we dress you in your red linen suit for the busy gal?
25:57Speaking of red, I'm leading internally here.
26:00I don't think they should have children, Al.
26:12I don't think anybody should.
26:21Mom, Dad, tomorrow I'm turning in my report on Pose the Raven family, featuring Morticia, Gomez, and Thing.
26:31But I've been working really hard on this.
26:34So let's say that if I get an A, can I get my own car?
26:39Any kind you want, sweetheart.
26:46Any kind you want, sweetheart.
26:46Any kind you want, sweetheart.
26:46I mean, we're going to be doing great.
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