- 4/30/2025
Frasier Season 2 Episode 14 Fool Me Once, Sha Me On You, Fool Me Twice
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TVTranscript
00:00allow me you're welcome
00:12when did everyone become so boorish honestly sometimes i think i'm the only person left
00:25in the world with any sense of refinement smell my hands
00:30thank you no oh i'm just so proud i had to stop for gas and i pumped it myself
00:39it's part of a new kick i'm on which is what i'm learning to be handy
00:48i've decided i i depend too much on other people so i'm doing it myself
00:54feel that tell me that's not the start of a first-rate callous
00:58frazier you left this in your booth oh dear thank you ross what is it oh it's a tape dad
01:06hasn't been read for him it's part of our new wednesday night ritual dad mixes up a part of
01:11this five alarm chili we all curl up on the couch and watch an angie dickinson movie and i wish i
01:17were dead you should join us no no i got my first work shirt this morning and tonight
01:25i'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor oh
01:29be sure to wear your hernia belt
01:32so ross are you gonna join us no i think i'll just go sit over here
01:40ross are you trying to avoid me well can you blame me i mean it took you nearly a year just
01:47to learn my name and every time we sit together you have some kind of snide remark to make
01:51name one well last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get into than a community college
01:57i was hoping that would be the one your name you know i got half a mind oh no no no no just hold
02:08on now ross you wouldn't know us got off on the wrong foot a long time ago now i think if you two
02:13sat down and had a real conversation you'd hit it off famously now here here you sit ross and i will go
02:20and get your coffee so how are you fine you great i'm handy now
02:36so that's a nice jacket thank you offbeat
02:50what is that supposed to mean offbeat well no wait i think i know exactly what it means
02:59offbeat isn't cheap well excuse me for not being rich enough to shop at the international
03:05house of tide ass like you and maris the heiress
03:08that is what you meant right yes but i had no idea you'd pick up on it
03:14and you were insulting me yes but you got in a couple of good shots yourself
03:22i did didn't i so glad we did this
03:29you know sometimes i'm such a good therapist i scare myself
03:35oh my goodness where's my briefcase didn't you put it under your chair well yes i did
03:43someone must have taken it
03:46bracer look there it is
03:50excuse me
03:55excuse me
03:56is that your briefcase
03:58yes
04:00where did you get it
04:02some of the nuns in my parish bought it for me as a gift
04:06ah your parish
04:09then that would make you a priest
04:11yes well then father
04:14perhaps you'd like to explain why you'd be carrying around
04:20a bible and some rosary beads
04:22what exactly are you looking for
04:28an angie dickinson movie
04:30i loaned it to the monsignor he was supposed to give it to you to give to me
04:33apparently he forgot
04:35well it's a two day rental anyway doesn't matter
04:37off you go thank you
04:38i'm sorry fraser it looked exactly like yours they both have the same inferior leather
04:45i gave him that briefcase
04:47i know
04:48yes i would mind holding again look i've i've already held three times
05:00look i am simply trying to report a few stolen credit cards but every five seconds
05:05damn it
05:07don't stare at me eddie
05:12i'm a humane man but right now i could kick a kitten through an electric fan
05:16hey french
05:23hello
05:24oh niles call
05:25somebody stole your briefcase huh
05:28yes
05:28all right dad go ahead
05:30tell me how stupid i was to get taken advantage of that way
05:33certainly better than listening to jumping jack flash arranged for piano and flute
05:37i don't think you were stupid these guys are pros just need a second and bam they're out the door
05:46oh that's
05:48rather refreshing
05:50i was expecting you to call me every name from a naive dupe to a boneheaded rude
05:55but you're not
05:56no i'm not the important thing is you learned a lesson
06:01you gotta keep your guard up
06:03this world would be a happier place if everybody would remember two little words
06:08people stink
06:10i'm sorry but that's just a little cynical for me
06:14i don't want to go through life thinking the worst of people i prefer to
06:18think of them as basically good and decent
06:20yes i am here but you know i'm sorry i'm in the middle of a speech right now so you'll have to hold
06:26truth is i enjoy my life that way
06:34the price i have to pay is to replace a few credit cards from time to time well then so be it
06:40this whole thing reminds me of when i first moved to london
06:44and i was very mistrusting of people back then
06:47i was convinced the way to stay out of home's way
06:51was to walk the streets with my eyes cast down never meeting anyone's glance
06:56but finally
06:58i decided that was no way to live so
07:02one day i just lifted up my chin and took it all in
07:07well
07:08the change was amazing
07:11there were sights i'd never seen
07:14sounds i'd never heard
07:16a tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand
07:20he needed help
07:22i realized this was no city full of thieves and muggers
07:27there were people here who needed me
07:29i took his note
07:32read it
07:33and to this day i can remember just what i said to that man
07:37that's not how you spell fellatio
07:41so
07:53so whose point did she prove
07:56i have no idea
07:58well i can't tell you how much fun it's been chatting with you all today
08:06nasty old gertrude aside
08:09but
08:09i'd like to close the show with a personal message
08:13this goes out to the person who stole my briefcase yesterday
08:18and as it turns out also stole my dry cleaning this morning with the claim ticket that was inside it
08:25you need help
08:29and i am here to provide it
08:32oh also the the double-breasted navy blue suit was meant to be worn with french cups and medium heel wingtips
08:38you may be sick but there's no reason why you shouldn't be stylish
08:42until tomorrow
08:46this is dr frazier crane
08:49man that was a great show
08:53it was better than great
08:55it was brilliant
08:56i can't remember when you were more
08:58what do you want
08:59okay
08:59remember i told you my girlfriend was coming to town and i might need friday off
09:05no
09:05no you don't remember or no i can't have friday off
09:08take one of each i'm feeling generous
09:10hello
09:14hi is this dr crane
09:17yes it is
09:18oh man what a thrill
09:20i can't believe i got through
09:22well actually my show is over
09:24you'll have to call in again tomorrow
09:26that's not why i'm calling
09:27i think i found your briefcase
09:29oh really
09:30really are you sure
09:31pretty sure
09:32well there's a way we can be positive
09:34simply turn over the briefcase in the upper right hand corner you should find a half moon shaped watermark such as would be left by the careless resting of a champagne flute
09:44it's full of your stuff dr crane
09:47oh well
09:48that works as well
09:49yes
09:50say listen
09:52is everything still there
09:54well there's a nice gold pen
09:55a set of car keys
09:57a date book
09:58oh what about my wallet
09:59oh sorry
10:00oh
10:01yes i suppose i was asking for too much
10:03well uh how can i get it back
10:05i could drop it off
10:06oh
10:07better yet
10:07why don't you meet me at the cafe nervosa on pike and third
10:11i'd be glad to give you a reward
10:13hey
10:14meeting you is reward enough
10:15half an hour okay
10:17that's perfect
10:18bye
10:18bye
10:19well that was pretty great
10:23yes but
10:23not surprising
10:25haven't i always told you to have faith in people
10:27yes and you were right
10:28people are basically good
10:30yes
10:30and fair
10:31indeed
10:31we do nice things for people in this world because there's a little thing called karma
10:35there's no way you're getting friday off
10:37why
10:38allow me
10:47do you believe that woman
10:55it's the second time that's happened to me this week
10:58i have half a mind to say something
11:00well then why don't you
11:00oh you know
11:01something happens to me when i talk to a beautiful woman
11:05the moment they begin staring into my eyes my knees turn to jelly
11:09still nice
11:11hopefully the only way to break people of their bad habits is by confronting them
11:15well that's true
11:16so
11:18who's next here
11:20i am
11:21oh no you're not
11:23you weren't next here
11:23i am
11:24i suppose people like you who glide through life
11:31wrapped in a cozy little cocoon of narcissism never notice such things
11:35but you'd do well to learn this lesson sister
11:40there's still such a thing as good manners in this world
11:45and that's why i would like to insist that you let me buy you your coffee and also please try the poppy seed muffins
11:52thank you
11:55you're welcome
11:56kind of brutal weren't you
12:09all i remember was i was next and then the sound of blood thundering through my ears
12:15you're there now
12:16soon you'll be home with maris
12:19and you'll forget you were anywhere near a beautiful woman today
12:22please why don't we sit here by the window so we can see you when he comes
12:27oh you're a good samaritan
12:29yes
12:30you know i have to tell you now i'm feeling rather good about this whole thing
12:34well granted i did lose my wallet and my favorite suit
12:37but still you know mostly everything else was intact
12:40my my date book
12:41my spare set of car keys
12:43my fountain pen
12:44but best of all what has remained intact is my sense that
12:49that people are basically trustworthy
12:51frader
12:53the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you'd bring your car
12:59now now now before you launch into one of your little paranoid riffs
13:03my car happens to be moving down the street
13:06oh my god
13:07stop stop that well-dressed mouth
13:12yeah charlie it's my son fraser's car so if you could put a little extra manpower on this i'd appreciate it
13:23yeah i know i know i know fell for that old scam
13:27i told him you gotta keep your guard up but you know fraser he always knows better
13:33mr up with people
13:36yeah remember what we used to call guys like him when i was on the force
13:41yeah
13:42hey we're still talking about my son here
13:48yeah i'll talk to you
13:52hi fraser how's it going
13:56terribly
13:57guess what happened today
14:00what
14:01my car was stolen
14:04you're kidding
14:06yes once again i fell victim to a master criminal
14:11how'd they do it hotwire it
14:14boy you know those guys got fingers like concert pianists
14:18no he had the key
14:21real pro huh
14:25made a wax impression and then had a duplicate key made
14:29no
14:32it was the same miscreant that stole my briefcase
14:38he used the spare scent that was inside
14:41what he tailed you for a few days learned your routine so i had no way to find the car
14:46not exactly
14:52he called the station and we agreed to meet
14:59what for
15:00low-fat lattes and biscotti
15:02oh what are you the town crier
15:12oh go ahead and laugh you know it still doesn't shake my my belief in the basic goodness of people
15:19well sure he's probably using your car to deliver hot meals to shut-ins
15:24yes well i'm glad that my misfortune has given you two so much glee
15:34but dad i have two requests
15:36first wipe that father knows best smirk off of your face
15:41i'm not a child
15:42and what's the second request
15:44can i borrow your car i want to go to the movies
15:50at last stop on our tour
16:02my booth
16:04where all the magic happens
16:06hey daphne what are you doing here
16:08oh dr crane needed a lift in so i decided to come up for a little tour
16:13but don't mind me just go on about your business
16:16it's not like
16:17i'm listening
16:19have we had one visitor yet who didn't feel the need to do that
16:25some thank you for the ride down daphne but we do have a show to do so
16:29you know people are always telling me i have a natural talent for this
16:33yes yes of course your your soothing voice your calming manner i i could listen to you for hours
16:40oh wow do you remember things
16:42oh yes absolutely all right now get out
16:43oh ross could you get this
16:48hello
16:50who's calling please
16:53just a second
16:55it's denise
16:58she said she was out with you last night
17:00i wasn't out with anyone named denise last night
17:02oh speakerphone speakerphone
17:04i'm all right
17:07hello this is fraser crane
17:12hey tiger i miss you already
17:15i beg your pardon
17:19oh i'm sorry to call you at work but
17:21you just snuck out of here this morning without giving me your number and
17:25well i woke up to see your bmw pulling down my driveway
17:29you did
17:32mm-hmm but i'm not mad how can i be after the best first night i ever spent with a man
17:38please could you just uh hold on for a moment
17:42sure
17:43do you realize what this means
17:46the guy who stole your stuff told her he was you
17:49and it worked
17:50she slept with him on the first date
17:54nobody ever sleeps with me on the first date
17:56hi it's me again
18:00look i'm sorry to do this on short notice
18:03but i won't be able to meet you for that drink at alberto's
18:06the agency called
18:08they booked me for a swimsuit layout
18:10oh
18:12there's my cab
18:14i'll call you tomorrow
18:15kisses
18:16unbelievable
18:19yes
18:20time to be he wasn't content just to steal my possessions
18:23now he's after my identity as well
18:25i'm calling the police
18:26no ross no
18:27i will handle this myself
18:29i am going down to alberto's
18:31you have a show
18:32just brought something from the best of fraser crane
18:34this jackal thinks he's meeting denise down there
18:37he's going to meet me instead
18:38are you crazy he could be dangerous
18:41i don't care ross
18:42my god this man's gone too far
18:43he sent to my very soul now
18:45what was it shakespeare wrote
18:46he who steals my purse steals trash
18:49but he who steals my good name steals
18:51well
18:51oh i forget the rest but it makes me
18:54good man
18:54excuse me
19:12have you seen a man in here wearing an impeccably tailored italian suit
19:16just you
19:18oh well
19:19thank you
19:22giorgio armani
19:24it's nice to meet you
19:26giorgio
19:27my name's heather
19:31yes
19:31fraser crane
19:32it's a pleasure
19:33do you mind
19:34oh
19:35wait a minute
19:38dr fraser crane from the radio
19:41yes
19:42yes
19:42well i've heard your show
19:45you're great
19:46oh thank you
19:47this is exciting
19:48hey
19:51didn't you say on your show the other day that someone had impersonated you at the dry
19:58cleaner
19:58yes someone did
20:00yes someone did
20:00but how do i know that you're not the impersonator
20:03oh well good heavens if you're looking for identification
20:06uh-oh
20:08i thought so
20:11yes but he stole my wallet the other day
20:13who did
20:13fraser did
20:14the bad fraser
20:15you're pretty sick you know
20:18maybe you ought to just get a wife
20:20this is absurd
20:21i can't recognize my
20:23you're pretty sick you're pretty sick you're pretty sick you're pretty sick
20:25Nice suit.
20:55Oh, my God.
20:58It's you.
20:59Oh, no, you're not.
21:00All right, all right.
21:03I give up.
21:06Dammit, how did you find me?
21:08Well, a certain Denise called the station today.
21:11She had to cancel your little rendezvous.
21:14Great.
21:15And I put on my best suit.
21:16No, you put on my best suit.
21:19I guess this is it.
21:22Party's over.
21:23I'm so stupid.
21:26You probably want to call the police, huh?
21:29No.
21:30What I would like to do is throttle you
21:32till your eyes shoot across the room like champagne cocks.
21:38But I won't.
21:40Because this is still a civilized world,
21:42but it won't be for long if you lowlifes have your way,
21:44because with every wallet you steal,
21:46you put bars on someone else's windows.
21:48With every purse you snatch,
21:51you put mace on another keychain.
21:54Every day you make our lives a little less livable,
21:57and I hope that burns on your conscience.
21:59Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
22:07You're right.
22:10Oh, oh, oh, I see.
22:12I see.
22:13You think by agreeing with me,
22:15I'll let you off the hook?
22:16No, I'm saying you're right.
22:17I'm not trying to weasel out of this.
22:19I'm guilty, and I deserve what I get.
22:21Look, here's your keys.
22:23The car's out front with your briefcase in it.
22:26Here, go ahead and call the police.
22:30That's your new car phone, by the way.
22:31I upgraded.
22:37Well, I should have known things
22:38were going to turn out like this for me.
22:40Oh, yes, here it comes.
22:42The old sob story.
22:44Daddy didn't love me.
22:45Mother ignored me.
22:47The bully next door stole my baseball glove.
22:51No, Dad loved me.
22:53Mom spoiled me.
22:54And I was the bully next door.
22:57Say, why don't you let me do that?
22:59It's kind of tricky.
23:02There's only one person to blame for my problems,
23:05and that's me.
23:06Yeah, hi.
23:07The number for the Seattle PD police.
23:10I take the easy way out of everything.
23:12I always have.
23:13You want to know why?
23:15I'm lazy.
23:17Lazy, lazy, lazy.
23:20Oh, sweetheart, I don't have the energy
23:22to look for a pencil.
23:23Could you just connect me?
23:24Thanks, hon.
23:28You expect me to believe
23:29that your entire life of crime
23:31can be attributed to your laziness?
23:33Hey, it's the truth.
23:34I don't like to work, never have.
23:36And believe me,
23:37it's a lot easier to take something
23:38than to get a job.
23:39And I'm even a lazy criminal.
23:41A briefcase here,
23:43a set of car keys there,
23:44maybe a little light shoplifting,
23:46but a bank robbery?
23:49All that planning and split-second timing?
23:52Forget it.
23:52And that second-story stuff.
23:55Grappling hooks, glass cutters.
23:58Who does that?
24:01Yeah, thank you.
24:02You're on hold.
24:04Story of my week.
24:05You know, you seem to be
24:08taking this awfully well.
24:10Well, it's like I said,
24:11it was bound to happen.
24:13Well, perhaps...
24:15Perhaps you wanted to get caught.
24:19Huh?
24:19Yes, well, think about it.
24:21You've been taking
24:21greater and greater risks.
24:24Isn't that the behavior
24:24of a man who wants to get caught?
24:27I'm telling you, Doc.
24:28Lazy.
24:29Look at your pants,
24:30for God's sake.
24:31You think I'd take them
24:32in to be hemmed, right?
24:33Staples!
24:34Oh, dear God!
24:35Staples!
24:38Well, I...
24:39I still say that
24:40you really wanted
24:42to get caught.
24:43Yes, it's a classic
24:44credo cur.
24:45Credo what?
24:46Well, it's a malaise
24:47that's been identified.
24:48No, look,
24:49it just means that
24:50you don't like
24:52the life that you're living.
24:54Well, it's not a great life.
24:56At the time,
24:57I don't know where
24:57my next month's rent
24:58is coming from,
24:59and I haven't been
25:00in a solid relationship
25:02and I don't know
25:02how long...
25:03Then why don't you change?
25:04Haven't we been over this?
25:06Give me an L!
25:07Give me an A!
25:08Give me an A!
25:09As a psychiatrist,
25:10I just don't buy that.
25:13You're not lazy.
25:14What you are is afraid.
25:17There are any number
25:18of things you could do
25:18in the legitimate world.
25:20I'm just afraid
25:21to try one of them
25:22and fail at it.
25:24You really think
25:25I can change?
25:26Yes.
25:27I believe everyone
25:28can change
25:29because I believe
25:29in the basic goodness
25:30of people.
25:32Oh, yes.
25:33Hello, yes.
25:34Oh, just a moment, please.
25:38Start now.
25:40Take responsibility
25:41for yourself.
25:43For once,
25:44don't take the easy way out.
25:51Hello?
25:52Yeah, I'd like to report
25:55a crime.
25:56There he is.
25:56He's the man
25:57who's been impersonating
25:59Frasier Crane.
26:00All right, let's go.
26:01What are you talking about?
26:03I am Frasier Crane.
26:04Do you have identification?
26:06Well, no, no,
26:07but it's the truth.
26:08Well, tell them.
26:10Thank God you got here
26:11when you did, officer.
26:12I detained him
26:12as long as I could.
26:13What?
26:14Yes, but he's lying.
26:16He's the imposter.
26:18Don't you people
26:18recognize me?
26:20Oh, for goodness sake.
26:21This is madness.
26:22I can't believe
26:22this is happening.
26:23People of the world,
26:25listen to me.
26:26Trust no one,
26:27especially
26:28that lazy bastard.
26:36Hey, baby,
26:37I hear the blues
26:38are calling
26:38tossed salads
26:39and scrambled eggs.
26:43Oh, my.
26:44And maybe I seem
26:46a bit confused.
26:47Well, maybe.
26:48But I got you pegged.
26:51Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:53But I don't know
26:54what to do
26:55with those tossed salads
26:57and scrambled eggs.
27:00They're calling again.
27:03Good night, Seattle.
27:05We love you.
Recommended
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