- 5/19/2025
Frasier Season 5 Episode 6 Voyage Of The Dam Ned
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00:00Well, Carl, I think you've got two choices.
00:03Either you have the tattoo removed,
00:06or you travel the globe searching for another soulmate named Fredwina.
00:14We'll be right back after this.
00:17Hey, I was just going over this offer you got from the Siren Cruise line.
00:21They want to know...
00:22Ross, Ross, you know my policy on commercial endorsements.
00:26Just listen.
00:27One of their celebrity entertainers canceled on a cruise that's going to Alaska,
00:31and they'll let us both go for free if you'll fill in,
00:34and all you have to do is give a brief lecture.
00:36Ross, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster.
00:40There are still some of us in this profession who believe in mahogany wainscoting.
00:46Isn't that fabulous?
00:48And look at those staterooms.
00:49Wow.
00:50Not to mention the world-class health spa and the gourmet chefs.
00:54Well, it certainly does sound tempting.
00:55I just don't think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free trip.
01:01Well, plenty of people do.
01:03Look, last month Zubin Mehta did one, and General Schwarzkopf says right here,
01:08Gore Vidal did two of them.
01:10Gore Vidal?
01:11He hates everything.
01:14If you feel it would tarnish your image,
01:17I'll just go call Vicki and tell her you decided to pass.
01:19Vicki?
01:20Who's Vicki?
01:22Oh, she books the celebrities.
01:24I met her at a party once years ago.
01:26I was surprised she remembered me.
01:28Frazier, we're on in 15 seconds.
01:29No, just wait a minute.
01:31You didn't tell me this was a favor for a good friend?
01:33She's not a good friend.
01:34So, Ross, obviously this woman means something to you.
01:36It's certainly an awkward position you put me into.
01:38Frazier, I don't care.
01:39All right, I'll go.
01:40The last time I put your chestnuts out of the fire.
01:58Hello, Dr. Crane.
02:00Oh, dear.
02:01Looking very comfortable for afternoon.
02:05Yeah.
02:05I just love days like this.
02:08Nothing to do.
02:09Nowhere to go.
02:11Although I have a nagging suspicion I've forgotten something.
02:15Like getting dressed.
02:19Oh, I could just watch the rain all day.
02:23Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain.
02:26Stuck inside.
02:28Couldn't go out and play.
02:30But my mum would always say,
02:32Enjoy it while you can.
02:34There'll be no water in hell.
02:37Of course, that was her answer for everything.
02:40Eat your veggies.
02:41There'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell.
02:45Have a lie down.
02:46There'll be no naps in hell.
02:53Daphne, I am a therapist.
02:58I try to talk about this sometimes.
03:01About what?
03:04Nothing.
03:07I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do.
03:10Oh, well.
03:11You know what they say.
03:12If you can't remember, it probably wasn't important anyway.
03:17Dad!
03:18Oh, no.
03:19You're dripping.
03:21You're dripping.
03:22Yeah.
03:22That's what'll happen when you're standing out in the rain waiting for your ride.
03:26Mr. Crane, I am so sorry.
03:29What the hell were you thinking?
03:31Fencing these emotions is all well and good, Dad, but I've just had these floors whacked.
03:35I said four o'clock on the corner of second and bell.
03:37Well, you should have called me.
03:39Well, I was afraid of a while looking for a phone.
03:41I'd miss you.
03:42Good point, Dad.
03:43You need to step on this paper, please.
03:44That's perfect.
03:46Oh, God.
03:47He's wet, too.
03:48Don't.
03:48Don't.
03:49Damn him.
03:51Daphne.
03:51Daphne, get this K.I. Sprinkler out of here.
03:54Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane.
03:57As my mom used to say, there'll be no ducks in hell.
04:00I sincerely doubt that.
04:05Well, Fraser.
04:07Hey, Dad.
04:08Just stop by to return your cookbook.
04:10I won't be needing it.
04:12Oh, really?
04:13I thought you were preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris.
04:17Not this year.
04:18Maris has chosen to fly off to a clinic in the Alps for an experimental rejuvenation treatment.
04:23Only one man performs the procedure, and she wants to see him before he's extradited.
04:28Oh, yeah.
04:30I, uh, I'm so sorry.
04:32It's so depressing.
04:34Every time it looks like we're approaching a breakthrough in our therapy, Maris runs away.
04:39I really hoped that spending time together on our anniversary would get us over the hump.
04:46There, there.
04:46You know how difficult it must be when someone puts their own selfish obsession above your emotional needs.
04:53Serial.
04:55Maris, why don't you take off that white coat and stay for dinner?
04:58Yeah.
04:58Or get us started with a couple of nice hot toddies just like we used to make down at Duke's.
05:03Dad, you know, there's a recipe in this book for a hot toddy.
05:07It calls for cuivre, si, egg, chamomile tea, and a dash of framboise.
05:14Garnish it with a few rose petals, and that's just how Duke used to serve it.
05:20Make yourself at home.
05:21Oh, Niles.
05:25You know, Dad, maybe I should...
05:26Uh, uh, uh, stop right there.
05:28I know what you're going to say.
05:30You want to call Maris and talk her into spending her anniversary with Niles.
05:34I didn't realize I'd become as predictable as all that.
05:37Well, you have.
05:38And if you ask me...
05:39Stop right there.
05:40I know exactly what you're going to say.
05:42I'm going to say I should mind my own business and keep my big bazoo shut.
05:45I was going to say fat, yeah, but you're in the ballpark.
05:50Well, I just think that when two people are having an argument, their emotions can get the better of them.
05:55A third party can provide some perspective.
05:57They already have a therapist, and if Niles needs any more help, he's got Dr. Jim Beam here, and he makes house calls.
06:04I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris.
06:08I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland.
06:11Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary that I'm very excited about.
06:16Bon voyage.
06:18Well, that's a very healthy approach, Niles.
06:21What are your plans?
06:22Well, I thought I'd sit on my couch in my cavernous apartment rocking back and forth while hugging my knees.
06:27Oh, Niles, you're not going to be alone on your anniversary.
06:34You'll have me and Frayge.
06:35Well, actually, I've agreed to give a lecture on a cruise to Alaska.
06:43But I don't see any reason why you two shouldn't join me.
06:45Why don't you?
06:47Oh, that'd be great, wouldn't it, Niles?
06:49Uh, I don't know.
06:51Oh, come on, Niles.
06:52It'll take your mind off your troubles.
06:53I appreciate your concern, really, but whisking me off on a cruise, I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that.
07:01As you wish.
07:03Well, Dad, I guess it'll just be you and me, then.
07:06When do we leave?
07:0714th.
07:09The 14th?
07:10You know, that just gets funnier and funnier each time you do it.
07:37No, no, I'm wrong.
07:45Hey!
07:47Some ship, huh?
07:48How's your stateroom?
07:50I'd hardly call it a stateroom.
07:53I wouldn't even call it a room, but I don't know the nautical terms for broom closet with sconces.
07:59How's yours?
07:59The same.
08:02Worse, Ethan.
08:03I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do.
08:06You have a porthole?
08:09What difference does it make?
08:10A cabin just a place to shower and change your clothes.
08:13You have a shower?
08:14All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain.
08:18It took me an hour before I put those two things together.
08:23Now, the buffet's coming a pretty good clip, so you've got to pace yourself.
08:28And watch out for your fillers, your breads, your rolls, your chips, and this.
08:33You've only got so much room.
08:35Don't be a hero.
08:36Hey, guys.
08:43Hey.
08:44Hey, Frange, this is great.
08:46You got one of those cabins where the whole bathroom turns into a shower?
08:53Yes, Dad.
08:54Before you say anything, I have no idea what Spartan conditions we were in for.
08:58It's quite all right.
09:00Once I got over my fear that I'd be hauled below decks and manacled to another oarsman,
09:04I actually started to enjoy myself.
09:06Well, you know, I suppose I wouldn't be spending that much time in my cabin anyway.
09:11I'd be hobnobbing with my fellow celebrities.
09:13Yeah, they got a lot of big names on board.
09:16Did you see the pictures?
09:18Live and in-person radio star, Dr. Frasier Crane.
09:23Boy, that's a little embarrassing.
09:26Don't really care for the word star, considering the caliber of the other people on board.
09:30The comedy stylings of Giggles O'Shea.
09:36Oh, yes, you're in Stellar Company.
09:43Oh, and look, they even managed to snare a magician, the amazing Lance Gould.
09:49Oh, he's great.
09:51I caught his act in Reno a few years ago.
09:53For his finale, he made his own head disappear.
09:58Now, did the Tupago tour, or did it just hover over the park?
10:01Dear God!
10:03You booked me on a floating gong show!
10:07What happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal?
10:09Oh, I am so sorry, Frasier.
10:11I had no idea.
10:12I guess they just booked their A-list celebrities on the big ships.
10:16Your attention, please.
10:18The Taste of Alaska buffet is now being served on the Lido Deck.
10:23Whoa, it's my cue!
10:24You guys coming?
10:26Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home.
10:28Rookie mistake.
10:29See you at dinner.
10:33Oh, Frasier, it's not that bad.
10:36Look, at least you got top billing.
10:37Well, of course I got top billing.
10:39I'm the only one up there I've ever heard of.
10:42Come on, what about him?
10:44Latin singing sensation.
10:46Carlos, the Barracuda, Delgado.
10:49No.
10:50Don't you remember him from the 70s?
10:53He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda.
10:56Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of him.
10:59No.
11:00Yes, that was the one dance she could do.
11:02The hustle was too strenuous.
11:05She had no booty to shake.
11:09But her fetching little underbite was just perfect for the Barracuda.
11:22Niles, why is that woman staring at you?
11:28God help me.
11:29It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country club.
11:32Hide me.
11:33She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any length to...
11:36Niles?
11:37Mimi!
11:38You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi.
11:40What are you doing here?
11:44Oh, looking for the bar.
11:46Oh, there it is.
11:49Come, let me buy you a cocktail.
11:51Oh, you know, I'm...
11:52I don't know what it is about the ocean that makes me so thirsty.
11:56Ooh, have you been working out?
12:02Look, there he is, the Barracuda.
12:05How thrilling.
12:08A fellow headliner on the USS Hasbill.
12:10Oh, shut up.
12:13Come on, Rose, let's go over my notes for my lecture.
12:15Dr. Frederick Kranz?
12:19I'm Carlos Delgado.
12:22Ah.
12:24Hello.
12:24It's a pleasure to meet you.
12:26This is Ross Doyle.
12:28Buenas noches.
12:31Habla espanol?
12:32Not really.
12:34It's no matter.
12:36I'm sure you're schooled in the international language.
12:40Yes, Ross, say something amusing in Esperanto.
12:43You know, each night, I select the most beautiful woman in my audience
12:52and present for her a red rose.
12:56This means the evening has just begun.
13:01Perhaps one night, you will be my especial lady.
13:08Until then.
13:09Okay, you're right.
13:21We're on the voyage of the dam.
13:26So, are you still separated?
13:28Oh, I'm afraid so.
13:30Oh, you poor thing.
13:31Well, we're, we're, uh, we're trying.
13:34We're, we're in therapy.
13:35Oh, good.
13:36You know how much I've always thought of you and, uh...
13:40Maris?
13:41Yeah, an angel.
13:43If there's any way I could be a comfort to you,
13:46why, you just let me know.
13:48Oh, what is that marvelous fragrance?
13:50Well, that's, uh, it would be, uh...
13:52I beg your pardon, sir.
13:54The lady wishes to send you this with her compliments.
13:56What, lady?
13:57Back there in the black dress and the veil.
14:02Maris!
14:02Oh, there was one more thing.
14:05Yes.
14:14I'm really very sorry, sir, but you gave me the biggest tip I've ever seen.
14:19I'm sure you can convince Maris this is all completely innocent.
14:23If not, I'm in cabin 712.
14:29Maris, Maris, what happened?
14:31Was that Maris I saw running out of here?
14:33Yes, she saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst.
14:36I've got to go speak to her.
14:37How upset did she look?
14:38Oh, I couldn't see past the outfit.
14:40Who wears a black dress and a veil on a cruise?
14:43Maris, the woman has virtually no pigmentation.
14:45Three minutes in the sun, she'd see her like an ahi tuna.
14:48She's supposed to be in Switzerland.
14:54What's she doing here?
14:56Maris, Maris, I'm sorry.
14:59I'm afraid that this may be partly my fault.
15:03You see, I left a message on the machine saying how upset you were
15:06and that it might be fun if she could join us on the cruise.
15:10You invited her to come and didn't tell me?
15:14I thought it would be a nice surprise.
15:16Oh, well, it worked out perfectly.
15:20She's probably on the phone right now arranging to fly home from the next port.
15:25Excuse me, excuse me.
15:26The lady who sent me the champagne, do you happen to know which stateroom she's in?
15:30No, sir.
15:30But she did ask me to give you a message.
15:32Yes.
15:32Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
15:40Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her?
15:49You're on in 20 minutes.
15:52How's your speech coming?
15:54It's hard to concentrate.
15:56I'm so concerned about Niles.
15:58I like this opening joke you wrote.
16:01It's very funny.
16:04I can't take all the credit.
16:06I had a patty melt with giggles before the show.
16:08Oh, Niles.
16:16I can't tell you again how sorry I am for meddling.
16:22How do we go with Maris?
16:24Terribly.
16:25This is, without a doubt, the most depressing night of my life.
16:28That is so funny.
16:35I'm sorry.
16:38I spent hours looking for her.
16:40Then I remembered her fondness for the barracuda.
16:43I ran down to the lounge and found that Latin cheese ball crooning his ghastly song directly to her.
16:49I started to approach, then a waiter came over, and by the time I got the champagne out of my eyes, she disappeared into the crowd.
16:56I waited after the show.
17:01She didn't come out.
17:03Neither did Delgado.
17:06Niles, what are you implying?
17:08You know Maris' taste for revenge.
17:10If she thinks I'm having an affair with Mimi, then she's going to try to punish me in kind.
17:15Wow.
17:17Do you really think she's planning to do the barracuda?
17:29Don't jump to conclusions.
17:32It's exactly what Maris did.
17:33It says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it?
17:36No trust on either side.
17:38What hope is there for us?
17:40Is there anything I can do?
17:42No?
17:43You've done enough.
17:45I'm just going to take a walk.
17:49Oh, God.
17:51Oh, I feel so guilty.
17:55When will I learn to stop interfering in other people's affairs?
17:59I better go talk to Maris to see if I can fix this.
18:05You're going to butt in again?
18:07I don't do a business that is of yours.
18:10Where's your dad?
18:11Oh, no.
18:12No.
18:12If he finds out, I'll never hear the end of it.
18:15Boy, that taste of Alaska spread was a bust.
18:19Want to know what caribou meat tastes like?
18:23Not chicken.
18:28Where's Niles?
18:30He's out for a walk.
18:32Oh, I may as well tell you the whole thing.
18:36Maris is on board.
18:38She and Niles had a horrible fight,
18:41and their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before.
18:44I've been no need telling you how she got here in the first place.
18:47I know, I know.
18:49What was I thinking, inviting her to come on the cruise?
18:52You invited Maris?
18:54Yeah, well, Niles was so upset about being alone on their anniversary,
18:58it seemed like a good idea.
19:01Smart, huh?
19:02I give you all this guff about buttin' in,
19:05and then I turn around and do the same damn thing.
19:08Oh, Dad, don't be too hot on yourself.
19:10No!
19:13Fraser?
19:14Oh, all right.
19:15I invited Maris, too.
19:19You did?
19:20Yeah.
19:21I thought I told you to keep your big bazooka.
19:24Oh, you're one of the dog!
19:26Well, so what are we going to do now?
19:27Nothing.
19:28Nothing at all.
19:30Let them resolve their own differences,
19:32stay on the sidelines where we belong.
19:33All right.
19:34Ooh, better get going.
19:37I'm going to miss the first seating for dinner.
19:39Well, Dad, my lecture's in 15 minutes.
19:41Oh!
19:42Jeez.
19:42Well, I guess I can't do everything.
19:44Tell me how it went on the midnight buffet.
19:51Well, I guess we better head over to your lecture.
19:53Right.
19:54First, I'm going to go talk to Maris.
19:56You just said...
19:58Forget what I said.
19:59You're coming along, too.
20:00Why do you need me?
20:01I don't even know her.
20:02You can vouch for Niles' innocence.
20:04Oh, all right.
20:05I'm kind of curious to meet her anyway.
20:07You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen her face.
20:10Well, I haven't seen her most recent one,
20:11so this will be a new experience for both of us.
20:17All right, Niles, let me do all the talking.
20:19Oh!
20:20If it looks like she has an orange epithelian on her head,
20:23don't stare.
20:25That's a wiglet.
20:30All through, have a nice evening.
20:34She must not be here.
20:36Oz, what are you doing?
20:37You can't go in there.
20:38I just want to see the room.
20:40You just can't march into someone else's room.
20:42Oh, my God, is that a grand piano?
20:49Frasier, look.
20:52The barricade is calling card.
20:55That means that he's chosen Maris to be his...
20:58Especial lady.
20:59She's coming.
21:06Why are we hiding?
21:08You came here to talk to her.
21:10Because it's impossible to extol the virtues of trust
21:12to someone whose room you've just broken into.
21:14She's coming.
21:18Oh, dear God!
21:20The shower is bigger than my entire cabin!
21:23Shut up!
21:28Martin!
21:29Ah!
21:33What are you doing here?
21:35We came to talk to Maris.
21:36What are you doing here?
21:38The same as you.
21:39Well, then why did you come in the bathroom?
21:41Well, what do you think?
21:43Well, all right.
21:46Get the hell out of here.
21:50It's Maris.
21:53Well, what's the big deal?
21:55Why don't we just go out and talk to her?
21:56We can't go out there.
21:58She may not be alone.
21:59Remember the rose?
22:00Oh, God.
22:04Oh, I don't see her.
22:06Maybe she went back out.
22:08Oh, wait.
22:10I see her coat on the hat rack.
22:13Look closer.
22:18Is the hat rack moving?
22:22Oh, my God!
22:24What's she doing?
22:26Well, she seems to be alone.
22:28That's good.
22:29She's pouring champagne.
22:31Two glasses.
22:32Oh, that's bad.
22:33She's putting the music.
22:34Do, do, do, do, do, Barracuda.
22:39Oh.
22:41Oh, that's bad.
22:43On so many levels.
22:48Oh, my God.
22:49Oh, give me.
22:51Oh, give me.
22:52Oh, give me.
23:00Oh.
23:01She's gone.
23:16How are we going to get out of here?
23:19I have no idea.
23:20I've got about three minutes before I have to be downstairs,
23:23or 200 people are going to be sorely disappointed.
23:26200 people? Where'd you hear that?
23:28They told me that was the room capacity.
23:31Oh! Oh, come on!
23:35Eagles had to lie to show!
23:37Shh!
23:40It's the Barracuda.
23:42Oh!
23:42Who's the Barracuda?
23:43He's the sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with
23:46to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi.
23:49Who's Mimi?
23:49A horny society boozer in the Mrs. O'Leary's cow of our current predicament.
23:53Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
23:54A woman in Chicago who all love her.
23:56Oh, that's all right.
23:57The important thing is we have got to stop her before she does something
24:02that's going to damage her relationship forever.
24:04We cannot go out there now.
24:06We don't want to walk in the two of them.
24:08I don't want to see that.
24:09I just ain't care of you.
24:12Oh, very well.
24:18Seems I'm the only one who really cares about this relationship.
24:21I will go and do it.
24:30Maris!
24:30What a lovely bathroom!
24:32Ah!
24:35What are you doing here?
24:36We came to convince Maris there was nothing going on between you and Mimi.
24:40What are you doing here?
24:41Well, Maris and I ran into each other on the deck and we had a long talk.
24:44Well, she invited me back here for a glass of champagne.
24:48Oh, that's great.
24:48You know, it might mar the mood a bit if she finds all of you spying on her.
24:54Did you use that mouse bar?
24:55No, no, Maris did.
24:57My God.
24:59She's in the mood for more than champagne.
25:03You've got to leave here right now.
25:05Just in time to see her up to the balcony.
25:08A balcony!
25:09Balcony!
25:09Now, just count to ten and then scram so Maris and I can celebrate the way a man and his wife were meant to.
25:24She started without me.
25:26Oh!
25:26Drinking the champagne.
25:32Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:50Quite stylish.
25:52And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:55Yeah, maybe.
25:56But I got you paced.
25:58Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:01But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:09They're calling again.
26:13Scrambled eggs all over my face.
26:15What is it more to do?
26:20Thank you!
26:26I love to see you all.
26:29Thank you!
26:36Thank you, Charles Graval.
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