Frasier Season 5 Episode 2 The Gift Horse
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00:00Oh, good morning, Ross.
00:02Good morning.
00:05What the hell was that?
00:12Oh, shoot, he's not even here.
00:14Who?
00:15Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month?
00:18I thought he was right behind me.
00:20I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
00:24Good idea, Ross.
00:26That doesn't work while we get married and have some children.
00:28That'll really fix his wagon.
00:31You probably remember him, Stan.
00:34Stan, the smug stockbroker who kept calling me Fraser?
00:39Oh, yeah.
00:40Oh, that's him.
00:43Oh, one minute we're hot and heavy, and then he just stops calling.
00:47It's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist.
00:51How can someone not hear the difference between Fraser and Fraser?
00:55Yeah, that's what bugged me the most, too.
00:58A little espresso to go, please.
01:01Oh, oh, Ross, look, I almost forgot.
01:03Here's an invitation to my dad's birthday party.
01:08Sherry's giving it, and please excuse the elegant verse.
01:12Come one, come all, to jump and jive.
01:14Marty Crane's turning 65.
01:19Oh, my God, here he is.
01:21Please.
01:21Oh, all right.
01:22Hello.
01:34Hello, nurse.
01:35Uh, you know, this isn't what it looks like.
01:37You see, her ex-boyfriend is...
01:39Oh, just stop that.
01:41Please, please, no explanation necessary.
01:44I assume at the next meeting of Seattle's Haven't Kissed Ros Club, it'll just be me and the Archbishop.
01:50I'll save you the club, dudes.
01:52Oh, but...
01:53Everyone kisses better than Maris.
02:07Can I get one of the same for Dr. Crane, please?
02:11I'm sorry I'm late.
02:12I was shopping for Dad's present.
02:14It's all right, nice.
02:15Did a bit of that myself this morning.
02:17I found a lovely little calfskin wallet with a matching key case.
02:22Oh, well, bravo, Frasier.
02:25Yes, and it was a full $20 below our agreed-upon spending limit.
02:29Oh, I'm so glad we agreed to rein ourselves in this year.
02:33Oh, God, me too.
02:34Finally do away with our annual contest to see who could get Dad the most lavish gift.
02:39I think the competition had gotten a bit, uh, what's the best word for it?
02:44The extreme.
02:45Uh, no, no, childish.
02:46Um, gaudy.
02:48Uh, crass.
02:49Obscene.
02:49Stop it!
02:53So, what did you get him?
02:56Oh, uh, just some, uh, beer.
03:02We're not exactly bumping our heads on that spending ceiling, are we?
03:06It's a bit fancier than that.
03:08It's a membership in a beer club.
03:10They deliver a case from a different microbrewery every month.
03:13You know, I looked into those clubs.
03:16Uh, they're rather expensive.
03:19Oh, not really.
03:20I'm right at our limit.
03:21Uh, maybe with taxes and handling, I'm a drop or two over.
03:24How big a drop?
03:25Just, uh, $100 over.
03:29It's not a drop, that's a downpour.
03:30It's a dribble.
03:31That's a delusion.
03:32And stop it!
03:35Well, why don't you just stick $100 in that wallet of yours?
03:38We'll call it even.
03:39You know, frankly, I don't need to buy Dad's love.
03:43You so fit to violate our agreement, so be it.
03:45I have a gift, you have a gift.
03:49Fine.
03:50Big baby.
04:04Stare all you like.
04:07You'll not distract me from my paper.
04:09You see?
04:13Your efforts are futile.
04:14I can't even see you.
04:35Seems so unhealthy.
04:37Isn't she going to serve anything at Dad's party but meat?
04:39Sherry says that's what he and his old cronies like best.
04:43With drinks, she's serving cocktail franks.
04:47For appetizers, we're having a sausage medley.
04:50And for the main course, there's a choice of meat law for meatballs.
04:56I assume these colourful balloons are for the between-course angioplasty.
05:02Did you get everything, Dad?
05:04Yes, I think so.
05:05Good news, I found a guy who can sculpt an exact replica of Marty's old police badge out of six pounds of liverwurst.
05:14Oh.
05:16Reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave Thurgood Marshall on his 80th.
05:20Harry, we can't use this photograph.
05:23It's too embarrassing.
05:25That's exactly why we're using it.
05:28I'm decorating the whole party with old pictures of Marty from the force.
05:33Well, we can't use this one on me at the morgue.
05:35It's too disturbing.
05:36You're right.
05:38I totally forgot you even had a perm.
05:40Dear Lord.
05:42Oh, God, I can't wait to see this guy again.
05:45Mickey Dugan.
05:47We rode Mounted Patrol together.
05:49Oh, look at you.
05:51You look so big and handsome on your horse.
05:55Oh, my God, where was this taken?
05:58April Fool's Day.
05:59Oh, yes, yes.
06:00That would explain why your horses are wearing brassieres.
06:04Yeah, oh, God, I love that horse.
06:06Old Agonies and I were together for eight years.
06:09Best partner I ever had.
06:11Oh, we should get going.
06:12Okay.
06:13Marty, wherever did you find a bra that could fit a horse?
06:17Oh, Mickey brought it in from home.
06:19May Dugan was a lot of things, but petite she wasn't.
06:23I'll point her out to you at the party.
06:25Honey, if that's her bra, I can spot her myself.
06:32Oh, uh, Sherry knows?
06:35Oh, no.
06:36Thanks.
06:36I've got a session.
06:37Oh.
06:39Dr. Crane, is your father gone?
06:42Yes, he has.
06:43Good.
06:43Then I'll wrap his present.
06:45They fit fine in this box.
06:46Great, Daphne.
06:47Off you go.
06:48Wait a minute.
06:49That box is awfully big for what you got him.
06:51No, it isn't.
06:52Oh, Daphne.
06:53Well, your binoculars fit just perfectly in here.
06:58You told me you got him a wallet and a key case.
07:02Oh, no.
07:03Not this again.
07:04It's the same nonsense every year.
07:06Well, not this year.
07:07We'd actually agreed to a spending limit until someone else exceeded it.
07:11All right.
07:12All right.
07:12Guilty as charged.
07:14We've each violated the pact once.
07:16Now, let's stop before this madness gets out of hand.
07:19Well, if you ask me, your gifts complement one another perfectly.
07:23Um, Daphne?
07:24Your binoculars and your football tickets.
07:32Tickets?
07:33Season tickets to the Seahawks.
07:37I don't believe you.
07:39You already had a better gift than mine.
07:40You still saw the need to take it to a higher level.
07:43Only because I knew you were going to upgrade that wallet, which you did.
07:47All right.
07:47Enough is enough.
07:48I quit.
07:49I'm throwing in the towel.
07:51Oh, and why should I believe you?
07:52Because this is a receipt for the binoculars.
07:55This should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift.
08:00There.
08:03Well, that's very big of you.
08:08Wait for my session.
08:11If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are.
08:15I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I can only get ones way back on the 50th.
08:22Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane.
08:29Oh, stop babbling, Jaffney.
08:30Bring me some taste.
08:31Okay, the keg of beer will be there by six.
08:41I also confirmed the band, ordered the cake, filled out the place cards, picked up the humorous cocktail napkins, and I'm almost done making the centerpieces.
08:53Oh, this party is just going to wear me out.
08:56Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
09:00Niles!
09:01Double latte, please.
09:04Is, uh, Frasier with you?
09:06No, he's out shopping for your dad.
09:08That jackal!
09:09What was that all about?
09:16Brother snitch, don't ask.
09:19I forgot to tell you, I found this fabulous photograph of Marty arresting some guy.
09:26I had it blown up to life size.
09:28Then I cut out the crook space so people could stick their heads through and have a snapshot of Marty reading them their rights.
09:36Don't you just love it?
09:38It depends.
09:39Do I have to pick it up?
09:40By five.
09:41You're a dog.
09:44Hello, mademoiselle.
09:46Oh, Frasier.
09:47Dr. Crane.
09:48Did you find something?
09:49Yes, I did.
09:50Took me most of the afternoon, but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect.
09:55Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
09:57Niles was here.
09:59Yes.
10:00But you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad, he just shot out of here like a bullet.
10:05That little worm!
10:21Dr. Crane, are you all right?
10:24No, I am not.
10:27I've combed the entire city, trying to find a gift.
10:33Nothing is better than what Niles got him.
10:35What did your brother get him?
10:37I don't know.
10:43I'm sure it's something any father would just love.
10:45Oh, you know, the best thing about turning 65, everybody wants to buy you dinner.
10:51Mr. Crane, you've left your top button unbuttoned.
10:54Oh, yeah, that's because Duke's taking me to Hoppy's old Heidelberg.
10:58You know, if I don't unbutton it now, I might fly off and hurt somebody.
11:04Enjoy, Dad?
11:05Oh, yeah, I will.
11:06Well, yeah, I gotta tell you, I'm loving this birthday.
11:09Oh, yeah?
11:10Well, all of a sudden, my money's no good.
11:12Last night, Ed Flanagan bought the whole bar around in my honor.
11:16Who's Ed Flanagan?
11:17That's what I asked.
11:21Anyway, what are you doing tonight, Frasch?
11:23Oh, nothing much.
11:26Got some shopping to do.
11:27Oh, for anybody we know?
11:32You know, Frasch, every year, you and Niles, you go overboard trying to find these great
11:39presents for me, and, you know, I gotta be honest, it's always made me kind of uncomfortable.
11:47Really?
11:47Yeah.
11:48So this year, I just wanted you to know, I'm over it.
11:54So go crazy.
11:55You only turn 65 once.
11:57You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between
12:22you and your brother.
12:23But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time...
12:28Oh, don't even say it.
12:30But it's the only thing he's ever asked for.
12:32No, God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life.
12:36I can't, I won't, I mustn't.
12:41It's over, Dr. Crane.
12:42Oh, that is one big screen TV.
12:59He's gonna love it.
13:01I know.
13:02Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly.
13:13Just needs a little dressing up, really.
13:15Here, I'll just, I'll just arrange these, these plants here at the base.
13:20Yes, you almost said you needed more greenery in here.
13:22Yes, yes.
13:23And maybe, maybe an objet or two on top.
13:26Yes, yes, this, this little buddy base, here.
13:34That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
13:36Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane.
13:38All the difference in the world.
13:39Oh, it's ghastly.
13:44Oh, God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the bride of Frankenstein,
13:49turn her into a trophy wife, do you?
13:54Niles.
13:54Frasier, are you ready?
13:55We told Dad we'd pick him up at...
13:57Oh, my God, you didn't.
14:19Didn't what?
14:20You mean, by Dad, this television set?
14:22Of course I did.
14:24It's impressive, isn't it?
14:27I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me, Frasier,
14:33you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore.
14:37I disagree.
14:39Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window into a world of art and culture.
14:44Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera.
14:49Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi.
14:53You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.
14:57Oh, you're right, it's dreadful, isn't it?
15:02But you know it's worth it.
15:05Just to imagine the smile that'll put on Dad's face.
15:07Not to mention, the pleasure of watching you twist and writhe in envy.
15:15You're not twisting and writhing.
15:17I'm sorry, my mind wandered.
15:19I was remembering Dad waxing nostalgic the other day about his beloved old horse, Agadiz.
15:25Oh, don't try to change the subject, Niles.
15:27You've lost, admit it.
15:28He certainly did love that horse.
15:30You can only live in denial for so long before you...
15:32You didn't.
15:42Didn't what?
15:43Buy the horse?
15:44Sorry, did.
15:44How could you?
15:51I've already set him up in a handsome stable.
15:53Dad can visit him any time he wants.
15:55Which reminds me, I'd like to swing by the stable on the way to the party so Dad can look his gift horse in the mouth.
16:01All right, Niles.
16:10What else can I do?
16:13I give up.
16:15You win.
16:18You have found the one gift that can't be trumped.
16:22Thank you, Frasier.
16:24You're a gracious loser.
16:26Still on the bright side.
16:27I know Dad will love this set.
16:31He really will.
16:33Already, it doesn't seem quite as intrusive as they did when it first got here.
16:37Right this way.
16:42What are those?
16:43Your speakers.
16:55So, Dad, any idea where you are?
16:59Oh, it's so mysterious.
17:01Hay underfoot.
17:03Stable smells.
17:06That saddle we just tripped over.
17:08I mean, we could be anywhere.
17:11All right, all right.
17:13Hold on.
17:18Voila.
17:20Happy birthday.
17:23Agoties!
17:24Hey, buddy.
17:28How you doing?
17:30Oh, long time no see.
17:36What's going on?
17:38He's yours, Dad.
17:39What?
17:41I bought him for you.
17:46You're kidding me.
17:47I can't believe it.
17:49You can visit him anytime you want.
17:52What?
17:52This is amazing.
17:53Oh, how have you been, buddy, huh?
17:58Hey, one plus one equals...
18:02He remembers!
18:04I figured it was a long shot when I called, but they were a week away from putting him
18:10out to pasture.
18:11So I set him up here at Briarwood.
18:13It's the most exclusive stable in town.
18:15Don't be surprised if you spy a certain resident trotting by wearing his triple crown.
18:21Oh, you don't give them actual crowns, you twit!
18:29Well, come on, Dad.
18:30I don't want to be late for the party.
18:32I'm sure Sherry's getting warm in that cake.
18:39Dad?
18:41Huh?
18:41I don't want to be late.
18:44You all right, Dad?
18:46Yeah, I'm fine.
18:49You sure?
18:51Yeah, I said I was fine.
18:52Yeah, I'm fine.
18:53Come on, let's go to my party.
18:58Dad, is there something you'd like to talk about?
19:00No, no, come on, guys.
19:01You don't have to pull everything apart.
19:04I said I'm fine, all right?
19:05Let's go.
19:11All that effort, all that expense.
19:14How many minutes of joy did it buy?
19:21Oh, dear God, it's Stonehenge.
19:48Well, I hope it'll at least cheer Dad up.
19:57The party certainly didn't.
19:59God, I know.
20:00Not even when Sherry sang that little ditty she composed.
20:03Oh.
20:04You can cop a feel if I can feel a cop.
20:07Oh.
20:07Randy Niles, please.
20:14I tried to draw Dad out at the party.
20:16He just shot me right down.
20:18Well, you know how he is.
20:20Gets himself into these moods.
20:22He just retreats.
20:24It's just so damn frustrating.
20:26Part of me wonders if that isn't why we go so insane every year
20:29trying to find the perfect gift,
20:31as if somehow finding the right present
20:33will magically change everything.
20:36That's the thought occurred to me, too.
20:38You didn't mention it.
20:39It occurred to me, so you say.
20:41Well, stop it.
20:45Hiya, boys.
20:46Oh.
20:48Wow.
20:51She's a beaut.
20:53Oh, Marty and I are going to be spending
20:56a lot more time over here.
20:59It's a gift that keeps on giving.
21:03So, uh, where's your dad?
21:06You said he was coming home with you.
21:08Well, he told me he was coming home with you.
21:11Well, why would he do that?
21:13He was a little down at the party.
21:16Maybe he just wanted to go for a walk.
21:19Well, I'm sure he's all right.
21:21He'll be back soon.
21:22Still, it is rather late.
21:26I'll just go and look for him.
21:27Don't suit yourself now,
21:28so I think you're fretting needlessly.
21:31Come on, let's fire this baby up.
21:32You like the Nashville Network?
21:34Oh, who am I kidding?
21:35I'm worried sick.
21:43There you go.
21:47Hey, no offense, but your teeth look like hell.
21:52And I gotta tell you,
21:53the rest of you is not looking that much better either.
21:57Let me give you a little rundown, huh?
22:01Ah, that takes me back.
22:06Of course, your coat was a lot shinier in those days.
22:09Hell, so was mine.
22:15Ah, we were something, weren't we, Agathees?
22:18Huh?
22:19Riding crowd control?
22:23People just step aside to let us pass?
22:25Now they're putting you out to pasture,
22:29and I'm riding the buses.
22:35Yeah, it's fun getting old, isn't it?
22:39Hey, this is a nice place here, you know?
22:42I bet you're really gonna like it here.
22:44And, you know, if you don't like it here,
22:52then we'll do what we said we would.
22:54We'll just go to Montana, start a ranch.
22:58You know, we still got all that money we took
23:00from those drug dealers buried in the old box canyon.
23:03All right, Dad, we know you know we're here.
23:06Well, why don't you get the hell out of here?
23:09Dad, look, I just want to be along for a minute.
23:12Is that all right with you?
23:15All right, fine, we'll see you later.
23:19You know, it's just a little troubling
23:20that you feel more comfortable
23:22talking to your horse than you do to your sons.
23:25You know, actually, we might be able to help you
23:27with what you're going through, the aging process.
23:29No, no, come on, now stop it.
23:31You see, this is the problem.
23:33I know everything you're gonna say.
23:36First of all, you start talking about
23:3865 as being some sort of passage.
23:41And then you'll start spouting these theories
23:43and quoting Freud and who knows what else
23:46until by the time you get through analyzing me,
23:49I'm gonna be 66.
23:52Now, look, when I tell Agothee something,
23:54you know what he does?
23:56Nothing.
23:57He just listens to me.
24:00We listen.
24:01That's my slogan.
24:03I'm listening.
24:03We do, you know, Dad.
24:06Dad, pay us a great deal of money
24:08as he's a foundation.
24:09It's one of our patients.
24:10Hey, hey.
24:11Right.
24:13Shh.
24:13Shh.
24:15Look, when I saw Agothee's today,
24:19it was kind of a shock
24:20to see how old he's gotten.
24:22And I just...
24:24didn't realize how old I've gotten.
24:27Dad, you still have a lot of...
24:28No, come on, please.
24:30Sorry.
24:31Look, it's not a problem you can solve, Frazier.
24:33It's just a back to life.
24:36People get old.
24:38Well, I guess this horse wasn't quite the banner gift
24:42I thought it would be.
24:44Oh, yes, it was, Niles.
24:45I'm feeling a little bit sorry for myself right now,
24:51but I'll get over that, but...
24:53I love this horse.
24:56It's the greatest present I've ever got.
25:01Well, I'm...
25:02I'm glad, Dad.
25:03But, you know, I think I may have misled you.
25:06The horse is from me
25:08and from Frazier.
25:11Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
25:13Thanks a lot, Frazier.
25:14Well, actually, it was mostly Niles' idea.
25:19Well, then, thanks to both of you.
25:22It's just great.
25:25Well, come on.
25:26We ought to get going.
25:27Now, let's get a move on.
25:28Hey, see you, buddy.
25:32Niles,
25:33what a generous gesture.
25:37How can I ever thank you?
25:40Well,
25:40by calling your super
25:42and getting rid of that monstrosity
25:44in your apartment.
25:45I do visit from time to time, you know.
25:54Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:56tossed salads
25:57and scrambled eggs.
26:00Mercy.
26:01And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:05Well, maybe.
26:06But I got you pegged.
26:08Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:11But I don't know what to do
26:13with those tossed salads
26:14and scrambled eggs.
26:18They're calling again.
26:21Good night, Seattle.
26:23We love you.
26:24You