Carlos Mencia

Beasley Digital

Carlos Mencia is amazed that monkeys have cleaner butts than humans.

Transcript

00:00please welcome carlos mencio i love the way you said it i love that you got mexican on me

00:07that was great by the way good to know that uh monkeys wipe their asses better than we do i know

00:13right wow yeah yeah wow that's chilling right no man monkeys do a better job of wiping do you know

00:20why that comes such a shock carlos because everyone's saying they have no paper that's why

00:24but y'all you see we see the footage of the one the the chimp putting his finger up his

00:28ass you know right yeah yeah and then smell it out you figured they were into that

00:32in human's defense i don't think monkeys have butt cheeks so it's it's easier to wipe when you

00:39have something but they have hair so they'd have dingleberries and they get rid of them

00:43okay very good he's come on really bro you're gonna make excuses for human beings and wiping

00:48their butts i'm trying i'm trying hey did you see they don't have baby wipes we have baby wipes

00:52what's our excuse are you a baby wipe dude yeah oh hell yeah okay because he is as well casey is

00:58oh you have to bro really oh yeah when you're when you're on the road bro you have to really i don't

01:03know if you know but there are bathrooms in this country that have a cardboard paper i had to go see

01:09uh the black panther yeah i had to go see that as a minority you have to go what'd you think i have

01:15to go see black movies because every time there's a black movie that's successful somebody in hollywood

01:20goes maybe we should try a latino version so i'm waiting for like the brown coyote or something

01:26some superhero whose powers fade the farther away from the border he gets you know what i mean we

01:32have a resident comic book uh uh craig lagans craig is is there is there a prominent a bunch but

01:38they're not prominent who's who's the most prominent latino latina uh would be um miss marvel

01:44miss marvel oh that's right so miss marvel yes but nobody knows who she is like the new spider-man

01:49is puerto rican yeah but there are people okay so bane yeah from from the from the comics yeah he's

01:54actually from costa rica oh so like the actual bane you know the the the yeah i would like it would

02:01it's really supposed to be but i'm going to kill you batman i guess they didn't want that accent right

02:06right and selena kyle is half cuban there you you know your stuff but nobody knows this stuff

02:12that's why i'm waiting for the brother new one the brown coyote and his superpowers are to grant

02:18citizenship like that's his superpower that's it he's the worst for immigration so people are like

02:22they're going to kick me out and he's like no look in your pocket it's a birth certificate

02:27it says i was born in sacocos talking about mind of mencia by the way how many seasons was that on

02:37was it two seasons four and a half four and a half uh and it was doing well in the ratings

02:42yeah we're the second rated show would they ever explain to you why they they dumped out on that

02:46i was the one that stopped doing the show okay i just really here's what it is about hollywood

02:51they see you perform and then they say we want to give you money to do something for us but could

02:55you change about 40 to 80 percent of what you do for us it's working it's like well why wouldn't

03:01you get somebody else like what's the point of getting me well we like your edge but you're

03:05telling me not to be edgy and then from that point on it was such a fight it was such a fight all the

03:10time here's here's when i drew the line i wanted to do a sketch i don't know if you remember when

03:15michael richards went off and did the n-word yes yeah so i wanted to do a sketch of a lost episode

03:20of seinfeld where where michael richards character comes in is trying to tell jerry that black people

03:25moved in next door but he doesn't want to say black people yeah yeah so it was kind of like a

03:31sketch where he would say he was being stereotypical like they like watermelon and jerry be like who are

03:36these people and he would be like you know right every stereotype they like fried chicken and then it

03:41would just keep escalating until he got mad and then we were literally going to take the audio

03:46that he did when he yelled out their n-words and then put it in the sketch and they wouldn't have

03:52it and they said that's not funny and i said okay we're in the different we're in a different

03:58business i if you had said that's too edgy or that that's not cool or i would have understood so but

04:04that's not funny right no that's right you're comedy central you should know what funny is and what

04:08pissed me off it's kind of like when you guys get that talk yeah you're like wait a minute we're in the

04:13we're in the same business we want as many people to watch so you make more money so you give us more

04:18money right we're in the same business here and they wouldn't do it and i it just bothered me so

04:23i was like you know what go find somebody that you'd like so that sort of gives you what you do

04:26that it annoys me that gives you a neat perspective on uh because the the great enigma the great mystery

04:31of all time was chappelle walking away from his show but do you think maybe a lot of that had to do

04:36with that exact same issue his was different his was you're already making a lot of money can i have some

04:41of mine was i want to make more money so i can have some of it okay we were like almost on the

04:48same plane but but but chappelle's show was supposed to be my leading so i get a phone call

04:54from comedy central and they're like we have two good news for you one of them your show is getting

04:59picked up the other one we're gonna pair you up with dave chappelle so you're going on after the

05:04most popular show we have yeah and i said oh my god this is amazing so we go into production

05:10and he goes to africa so then they say to us he's not coming back you gotta now just go on after south

05:17park and i was like all right well you know it is what it is but most people don't know how

05:22production works and how long it takes right so the minute my show went on the air about 40 percent

05:28of his fans were like who is this beaner taking the spot of our black guy how dare you right and

05:34it was like no i was supposed to be on with him yeah he did oh man and now so and so you're catching

05:40crap from the beginning sure and i actually remember that i remember that reaction yeah but it was it

05:46wasn't like it had nothing to do with me i i was one that got screwed i could have been the companion

05:50piece to that yeah so the mandate on my show was always don't do anything that chappelle would do so

05:55if you watch minum and see a season one we don't do any sketches we don't do any black stuff it was

06:00all like all right leave it for chappelle leave it for chappelle and then when it was obvious he

06:04wasn't coming back they gave me more freedom yeah i have an 11 month old right and my friend goes did

06:08you baby proof the house and i said to him i really i don't know what you're talking about and he's like

06:12dude baby proof in the house i looked at him and i'm like seriously you might have just looked at me

06:16and said bling bling bling i don't know what that is and he says it's when you then he goes wait does

06:22your son walk i'm like yeah my son's 11 months he's been walking since he's nine so he says like

06:26well you got to get rid of all the edges and anything he could hurt himself on to baby proof

06:30the house and i was like well how am i gonna know if he's an idiot like isn't that how you learn if

06:36your kid's an idiot if you see him fall into the same place three times he's a dumbass so it's really

06:42true the other day there's like four inch yeah maybe three to four inch steps three of them to get

06:46down to where my son's room is and the other day i saw him walk to the edge and contemplate how to walk

06:51down and he took a step and he ate it right i went and picked him up and consoled him and then

06:57when my wife walked away i put him right back on top of the steps to see what he would do did he learn

07:02and he looked at me like you son of a bitch he literally gave me a look like really dude and then

07:07he got down flipped around and back down the stairs and i was like my son's not an idiot i was so happy

07:14and and then my friend goes no it's like when you put plastic i guess they sell plastic plugs yeah so

07:20you put them in the uh i can't believe you've never heard of this my father watched me put a

07:24knife in a socket and while i was doing it he was looking at my mom going oh my god he's gonna do it

07:30he's gonna do it he's gonna do it i stuck it in the house went the thing flew away he ran got the knife

07:37gave it back to me and said do it again do it again that's was this in honduras no it was here in

07:43all right well but that's it i have different look my parents have you guys know this i'm one

07:48of 18 kids yes yeah so my mother never had period she just had people

07:52one of eight and what are you like what are you 16 17 in the list 17th of 18 18 dear god

08:02what do you mean how is that possible

08:03how did her insides not just fall out uh my my my father likes to say your mother doesn't know

08:09anything about oral that's what he likes to say i never she never let me in the atm it was always

08:16at the right deposit always at the right deposit how old was she when uh she had you any idea she

08:22started when she was 15 and she had the last one when she was 44 that's un-effing real and she's

08:27four foot ten oh my god like she's just literally a walking vajay like she's just a uterus with a

08:35head at this point i have no idea she's like from the movie monsters inc right oh she yeah she's

08:39literally i mean she popped him she was literally pregnant for over 14 years if we do the math

08:44but here's the weird part so you know i give my i take care of my family if it wasn't for my family

08:50i'd have so much money but uh so my dad uh goes into surgery recently has a heart attack

08:57right after i find out that one of his arteries 100 block the other one 80 block wow he has five

09:02heart attacks doesn't die quintuple bypass surgery so he calls all his kids and says can you guys come

09:10and see me for the for the last time probably he thinks he's checking out so we all get together

09:14yeah uh all of us uh so i'm in this room and i recognize everybody but one guy but he looks like

09:21everybody in there and i'm like dude who is this dude right here and they go well we found out that

09:28dad cheated on mom and there's a kid named jovanni and that's our brother no and i said no no i refuse

09:37to acknowledge that this dude is my brother because all i see is somebody asking me for more money

09:42that's all i see right now i'm a trump supporter build the wall keep his ass out of here no way

09:48let me ask you something is that true yeah it's really true and everybody was laughing at me when

09:53i said i don't want to acknowledge those brother and then at the end he's like you know i'm trying

09:57to come to america no no not gonna happen how does he already asked for a job he already tried to get

10:04a green card not gonna happen how does your dad with obviously the amount of sex he was having with

10:09your mom have the audacity to cheat right that's what you know what uh that's what my mother said

10:16i looked at my mother and i said does it bother you that he's here and she goes no but it bothers me

10:23that he had the balls like look around i wasn't giving him like she was totally pissed off for that

10:32reason but i guess she knew and i just i never knew about this kid then my brother joseph he'll call me

10:38up and go uh i need you to give me five thousand dollars so you need me to lend you five thousand

10:44dollars you can call it whatever you want what do you want me to tell you so you feel better about

10:48i'm not gonna pay you back i'm not gonna pay you back you know this and so then i'll say no i'm not

10:54gonna i'm not gonna lend you money do you consider my mom will call me okay and bring in jesus

10:58and then you lend them the money you can do so you know that you can do when my mom goes

11:02me oh jesus is watching you i'm like really jesus is watching me write a check to my alcoholic

11:07brother that's what jesus is doing he's got nothing better to do than take care of my brother

11:12and drive uh what's her name's car because she said jesus take the wheel that's all he's got nothing

11:17better to do than that man yeah he's ignoring the lepo because my alcoholic brother needs five g's

11:23because he got another chick pregnant yeah that's what jesus is doing mom it's it's been a little

11:28while but we're glad you're here it's been way too long bro we're wrapping it up but i realized last

11:32time you were here we had uh we gave you some turkey bacon because we had a bit about turkey

11:37bacon i forgot what what it was in our friend it's about going to my dad packed turkey bacon that was it

11:42he packed it in my bag when i went to the middle east to be an a-hole and they found it and you can't

11:49take pork products in the middle east but it was turkey so they put me in that little jail dude

11:54and i'm there with suspected terrorists you know what i mean and they're like hey what are you in

11:59here for they thought they had the bomb i'm like ah turkey bacon we have more for your friends from

12:05god shawls turkey bacon are here we'll do that every time you come here carlos that's hysterical bro

12:12all right thanks for being here man love you guys enjoy your time in philly carlos

12:15yeah

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