Comedian Jake Mattera on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Comedian Jake Matter freshly back from his Northeast tour

Transcript

00:00jake matera hello jake hey guys thanks for having me back well you know what i i i i'm glad you are

00:20back because um until you showed up and tell us about this venue you're going to be playing at

00:25what's it june 10th is when you're gonna be there yeah all right all right so uh the good good comedy

00:30theater the good good comedy theater yeah in chinatown what is with the asians and having to

00:34name everything twice you know i have no idea i know it's just a cute little black box and uh

00:40daddy's happy to be there really right i'm hearing great things about it that yeah that didn't maria

00:45banford was in town and you said she did four shows she did three or four shows in the afternoon

00:50yeah it was really unannounced yep wow yeah it's a really hip place man i'm excited i was like you

00:56want me i was like i'll take it now how uh i i should start off here because you are a new dad

01:04along and seeing that you're being with the book ended by the other new dads that's right all right

01:08right how's how's things with the baby it's good you know i never realized how much it was like getting

01:14an xbox because like at first you're like oh my god this is awesome and you just want to play with

01:18it but it usually just ends with you cursing at a small child you better knock it off i'm gonna

01:22bang your mom that's been good but like i'm noticing things like about myself that i never

01:29really like noticed before like how good i am like i i thought i was going to be a terrible dad i'm i'm

01:34okay i'll give it i'll give myself that but like i noticed things about me after the baby's in bed

01:38that i never realized like i realized my favorite thing to do is eat while other people are sleeping

01:43oh yeah i never like i'm a leftovers dracula i just walk in like with a cape i'm just and like

01:50the problem with that is like the mic because i use the microwave i don't actually cook and it's

01:54so loud it's like it's like a loud chatty ant you know what i mean like it's going to help you out

01:59but it's going to let everybody know about it and it'll be like 2 a.m i'm heating up like mind your

02:04business and uh my wife will be asleep all the way across the house and she'll wake up to like the

02:08loud beeping which to her is just like morse code for like he's eating again like i i don't

02:14understand why do they have a button for popcorn but not one for keeping secrets it drives me crazy

02:20you can never close the door silently on a microwave have you guys ever tried to do that

02:24you're like come on it just bounces back at you finally it closes it just sounds like a prison cell

02:30and no matter how no matter how sneaky i think i am like just no matter what happens my dog

02:37whenever i'm using the microwave will just appear just licking his lips i'm like when i made you

02:42anything in the microwave i've never been like all right bud who wants a pot pie i've never done that

02:47i've never done that for my dog all this anger it brings me think i'm in the car

02:53that's what he does what did you hear us talking about dad in the car you know my dad was super

02:59chill in the car he just ignored the shit uh the stuff out of me yeah thank you sorry about that

03:03thank you here we go yeah sorry right back up this week yeah he he ignored like just ignored me and

03:10that's why i'm a comedian today but i know i'm not going to be like like my son's gonna have so

03:15many stories like i have a lot of road rage you know that's like an issue like i don't know i don't

03:19know what that's like i have no idea i okay i quit road rape well there was an incident i accidentally

03:26like well this guy like pulled into my lane right and i flipped him off and it was like eight o'clock

03:31in the morning so i was like still half asleep so it wasn't even like a hard one it was like a

03:34it was like a yawn i was like and then when he got by me i came to like a red light with like seven

03:40cars look in my rear view he's pulling over his like steak body truck jumping out in full work

03:45uniform and turns towards my car starts running open fist terminator two style i'm like he's not

03:51i didn't it was just it was a soft one he gets to my window he tells me to roll my window down and i

03:58do because i'm an idiot and i'm like as soon as he says something i'm gonna hit him with the door

04:02nope he just he looks at me he goes why did you flip me off why and he had tears in his eyes and he

04:10was shaking it's like maybe 50 year old guy and i felt terrible and i just want to be like i am so

04:15sorry but i can't i'll look like a coward all right so i just went with f you buddy and i

04:19right in the face

04:21but you know what you know i you know i've done the cut down i i started taking uber okay but i

04:29can't afford uber so i take uber pool you know uber pool it's a like ride share if you don't over

04:35pool uber pool yeah it's like it's a middle class septa that's what it is

04:38so i was in the back of one right i'm in the back i'm alone and a ride pops up and a girl

04:45decides to get into the front seat right as soon as she sits down the driver starts yelling at her

04:50for being out of the way which is crazy because your only job is to drive somebody that's like

04:54if you work at an ice cream shop and something you're making something like a chocolate milkshake

04:57and somebody comes up to like hey can i get a vanilla and you're just like

04:59he's yelling at he's like you're out of the way you're out of the way you're out of the way and

05:07she's uncomfortable and like a gentleman i said nothing i'm just watching it play out and then

05:12we're basking in this like tense silence and you know it's so awkward i don't know how to get any

05:16more uncomfortable and then the driver leans back to me he says this i swear to god he goes

05:19my sister-in-law died today

05:21i don't know this guy i'm like i'm sorry like what happened he goes she was in dubai

05:28selling jewelry and there was a fire at our hotel and she was on the 12th floor so she jumped

05:34it's like what kind of jewelry like what are you saying

05:37i am so sorry he goes yeah everyone else survived they took the stairs

05:45and i thought he was just kidding no instead he just said

05:50i'm just waiting for him to say just kidding he just throws that out there

05:53and before i could say anything offer any condolences the girl in the front seat goes

05:57well maybe the stairs were out of the way i was like oh my god

05:59it's john de bella if i was any happier my pants would be wet

06:05philadelphia's classic rock 102.9

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