If Online Privacy Were Honest (Experian, Equifax, Epsilon Parody) - Honest Ads - video Dailymotion

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00:00Wow, Papa John's name is actually not Papa.

00:11Never knew that.

00:15Well, hello. I'd say I didn't see you there, but that would be lying because I did see you.

00:21I've always seen you and I know everything about you. It's kind of my job and I'm great at it.

00:27Hi, I'm Roger, the CEO of Horticle.

00:30I know on its face Horticle doesn't sound as sinister as all of this looks. We did that on purpose.

00:37Our name is Amorphous Silicon Valley Garble.

00:40So you just assume we do some sort of incomprehensible tech shit?

00:44Which is exactly what we want you to think.

00:47Because while you're busy being largely oblivious to us,

00:50we're turning information like your name, address, phone number, and even details on your family into cold hard cash.

00:59That's right, my friends. The surveillance state isn't some shadowy government conspiracy.

01:09It's just a bunch of private companies like us right here in America, rounding you up and extracting your data.

01:17Like a bloated cash cow.

01:19We're milking you dry.

01:23Do cars run out of honks?

01:26Rob, log that.

01:28Ooh, and see if Hort Motor Company wants to buy that info and send her 500 ads for cars.

01:33And a couple for geese.

01:35Exactly, boys. You see, every time you go online searching, scrolling, masturbating,

01:43you're giving us that good, good data, I mean.

01:47And we get it from public records, social media, credit reports.

01:51Loyalty programs, apps, that time you took an MI gay quiz.

01:55Cookies, streaming, and all of your little freak interests and habits.

02:02Is Nickelback still alive?

02:05I don't know.

02:07We are going to give her so many ads for Nickelback.

02:13And before you call us evil and depraved and very wrong for doing all of this,

02:18think of us as providing a service to give you personalized help.

02:23We collect your data, build a comprehensive profile, and sell it to companies

02:28so those places can bombard you with exactly the kind of dumbass bullshit we know you are going to buy anyway.

02:35Like that unicorn squatty potty?

02:37And tactical leggings.

02:39It's a win-win. We get a pile of cash and you get a pile of ads.

02:43You're welcome.

02:45Could having all of this data about you out there go sideways?

02:48Absolutely.

02:50Do we care?

02:52I think you already know the answer.

02:54If your identity is stolen, you're rejected from a job based on your Netflix watch history,

03:00your kid's weird middle name gets exposed in a data breach,

03:04well that's just collateral damage in the grand scheme of lining my own pockets.

03:09After all, it's not our problem if some third-party company misuses your info

03:13or has a massive data breach exposing your incredibly uninspired email password,

03:20which you've been using for more than a decade.

03:23We're just the middlemen, okay?

03:25Also, it's not just you. We're gathering data from everyone.

03:29That's right. We collect everyone's information and group you by it.

03:34Gadget geeks. Travel nuts.

03:36Monsters who wish there could be more cantaloupe in the fruit salad.

03:39People who definitely bought an Instant Pot during lockdown.

03:42And my personal favorite, probably hiding bodies.

03:47Don't start thinking you have some right to privacy or whatever, either.

03:51Privacy is an outdated concept.

03:54The regulatory landscape of what data brokers like myself can and can't do is fragmented at best,

04:00with sparse state laws and zero comprehensive federal ones.

04:04Oh sure, you have a right under the Fair Credit Reporting Act

04:08to request your data and even opt out of data collection by data brokers like myself.

04:14Good luck doing all that on your own.

04:16We've buried all the information on Hal deep in the Horticle website.

04:21But if you want to try, go ahead.

04:24Scroll through 97 pages of legalese, fill out five different forms,

04:29and fax a copy of your birth certificate.

04:32We'll get back to you in 8 to 12 months, maybe.

04:35Then you can do the exact same thing again for the next data broker website.

04:40Because just like doing laundry, there's always more.

04:44And don't forget, while you're waiting,

04:47we'll be busy making a tidy profit off of letting everyone know you've been divorced three times.

04:53This year, twice to sex dolls.

04:57In the meantime, I've been Roger.

05:01Hey, the sex dolls divorced him.

05:04Good for them.

05:07Now that you know all about data brokers,

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05:14Because I'm getting paid to do it.

05:16Also because I honestly trust Delete.me to help me reduce my risk of identity theft

05:21and becoming a target of phishing scams.

05:24As I speak, there are data overlords collecting huge amounts of personally identifiable information

05:30and packaging it together to create profiles or listings on you and me.

05:36Despite having the personality of a russet potato,

05:39you are one hot commodity to data brokers.

05:43That's where Delete.me comes in.

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05:50Seriously, Delete.me experts actually find and remove your personal information from hundreds of data brokers.

05:57They're like privacy vigilantes.

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06:04If I didn't have Delete.me to help protect me from the risks of identity theft,

06:08who knows how many scammers would be out there trying to pass themselves off as Roger Horton.

06:13I mean, in fairness, who wouldn't want to be me?

06:16And even if you think you're too smart to fall for a phishing scam, you're not.

06:21Cybercrime losses totaled $10.2 billion over the past decade.

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If Online Privacy Were Honest (Experian, Equifax, Epsilon Parody) - Honest Ads

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