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00:00You
00:26Tomorrow morning I couldn't face hyacinth not tonight
00:28Here ladies
00:40You're new
00:41Only round here lady
00:43Have you nothing for this address?
00:45Sorry
00:46I'd be greatly obliged if you'd make quite sure
00:53There's usually something for a Mrs. Richard bouquet
00:56How do you spell bouquet?
00:58B-U-C-K-E-T
01:02What?
01:04B-U-C-K-E-T
01:08Oh! Bucket!
01:10It's bouquet
01:12Well I'm sorry lady there's nothing here for bouquet
01:16A bouquet
01:18Nothing for this address
01:20And yet you have something for next door
01:22I find that very strange
01:24I can't help that lady
01:25But people will tell you
01:27It's common knowledge I receive more mail than these next door
01:30There must be a card from my sister in Tenerife
01:36She's back home of course but we're still waiting for the card
01:39Anything wrong Hyacinth?
01:42He's mislaid my letters at the sorting office
01:45This would never have happened with my former postman
01:48You will remember Elizabeth that you're invited this evening to my candlelight supper
01:56It's engraved on my mind Hyacinth
02:00Telephone dear you want it on the phone I think it's urgent
02:04I'm not offering an opinion that's what she said
02:07Just don't shout in that excitable manner outdoors Richard
02:11I don't like you getting excited outdoors
02:19Morning Major!
02:21By God woman!
02:23You can drive a mad mad looking so attractive so early in the day
02:29Oh Major!
02:31You'll not forget my little candlelight supper this evening
02:35Nineteen thirty hours
02:37I'll be there you minx
02:41You can always tell breeding
02:47The tone Hyacinth I think it's urgent
02:50It's about your father
02:56We're going to have to emulsion this ceiling
02:58We've just done it
03:00It's not a fit ceiling to bring a major under
03:02Sister Daisy
03:04She's not coming is she?
03:06Not in that awful coat
03:08And he's not bringing it
03:10Not in that rust bucket of a car
03:12I will not have them but
03:13I think it's urgent
03:14It's so thoughtless to look as poor as they do
03:18Daisy how are you dear?
03:20Daddy ill? How ill?
03:22Is it of a severity necessary to cancel my candlelight supper?
03:26What was he doing at his age on a bicycle?
03:30Oh my God!
03:34How much to drink?
03:36Yes Hyacinth
03:38What did she say?
03:40She says not to go over to her place she's coming here
03:48Oh that's all we need a royal visit
03:50I was hoping she'd go straight to the hospital
03:54They won't let anybody in until visiting time
03:58Don't you remember when I was in
04:00Having that breakdown on account of Mr Crabtree?
04:02What ever happened to Mr Crabtree?
04:06I swore I'd never see him again
04:10And for a while I cut it back ruthlessly to every other Tuesday
04:14Does Boris know about you still seeing Mr Crabtree?
04:20Of course he doesn't know do you think I'm stupid?
04:22I don't know how you keep the pace ah Rose?
04:26It's not easy
04:28If you relax for a minute they're going back to their wives
04:32I envy you our Daisy
04:36Me?
04:37It must be wonderful being married to a bum like your Onslow
04:42So you can let yourself go completely
04:46I wouldn't say completely
04:48Nearly enough completely
04:52Get her shirt on Onslow
04:54Hyacinth's coming
04:56Oh nice
04:58She's going to want to know exactly what happened
05:02You'll have to tell her
05:04I don't see why I should have to tell her
05:06You'll have to tell her because
05:10I'll be too busy tidying up
05:14I hate tidying up
05:16I'm under the doctor for being dizzy
05:18I'm sure it's tidying up
05:20If you only got dizzy when you tidied up
05:24You should have the clearest head in the area
05:26You're going to park in the turning area?
05:28There's no room in front of the house
05:42It blocks the road
05:44However I'm game if you are if you want to block the road
05:46It's just that I wish you would consult me Richard
05:48I don't like you making decisions unilaterally
05:50Would you like me to lock the car?
05:52Oh
05:54I think so don't you?
05:56We're practically in Beirut
05:58We're practically in Beirut
06:00Oh
06:06Oh
06:08Honslow
06:10Honslow
06:12Honslow
06:14Honslow
06:16Honslow
06:18Honslow
06:20Honslow
06:22Why dear
06:24Let him call you Dicky
06:26How can I help it if he calls me Dicky?
06:30Honslow
06:31Honslow
06:32Honslow
06:33Honslow
06:34Honslow
06:35Honslow
06:36Honslow
06:37Why dear
06:38Why dear
06:39Why dear
06:40Let him call you Dicky?
06:41How can I help it if he calls me Dicky?
06:53Queen Mother's outside
06:55Oh
06:57Give us a hand, R, Rose.
07:12I'm expecting a call.
07:14I gave Boris this number the swine-ponestied ring.
07:27Leave it, leave it.
07:52Richard!
07:54Now what?
07:55You shouldn't be stretching your legs like that at your age.
07:58If you're in broad daylight in front of prying eyes.
08:22Here we are, then.
08:25If you're in broad daylight in front of prying eyes.
08:26If you're in broad daylight in front of prying eyes.
08:28T-
08:30Jacob, tell me what's happened.
08:52Dad's not been well lately.
08:54Why wasn't I informed?
08:56It's not been the kind of not-well you'd want to be informed about.
09:03What kind has it been?
09:10It's a bit embarrassing, really.
09:12Embarrassing? Daddy?
09:14He's a dirty old man.
09:16Shut the bombshell.
09:17Richard, go and keep an eye on the car.
09:21I think I'll go and keep an eye on the car.
09:26What does Anzo mean?
09:29He means Dad's taken to going out at night on his own lately.
09:35In the Noddy.
09:40But why would Father be in the nude?
09:46He's in love with the milk woman.
09:47Oh, don't be so ridiculous.
09:49You'd have thought so if you'd have seen him pedalling after us, stark naked on his bike.
09:56He chased her for a mile down by the canal.
09:59But the milk woman doesn't go anywhere near the canal, does she?
10:02She did last night.
10:04They caught her on her way to bingo.
10:07Well, you know how fond he is of dairy products.
10:10I expect he wanted to order extra cream.
10:33But why would your father have been naked?
10:35I don't believe it.
10:38And keep your voice down.
10:40It's bad enough with his clothes on.
10:43Daddy would never be naked.
10:45Why would Daddy be naked when he's got his name down for a nice old person's bungalow?
10:57This way, Mrs Bucket.
10:58It's okay.
10:59How are you feeling, Mr Oxley?
11:06Better than him.
11:09Daddy.
11:11I'm afraid he won't be aware of very much, Mrs Bucket.
11:14Bouquet.
11:15He's quite comfortable, but heavily sedated.
11:18Oh, Daddy.
11:21Should he be at a ward with a person who wears his hat in bed?
11:25I'll leave you with your father.
11:27Doctor.
11:27What condition was my father in when he was admitted?
11:31Drunk as a skunk.
11:36I expect he was flushed from excessive cycling.
11:40Can you describe what he was wearing, Doctor?
11:43Very quickly.
11:44Very little, really.
11:46To be honest, nothing at all.
11:50There must be some mistake.
11:51Yes, that's what I thought.
11:53It was quite a chilly evening.
11:54He'd been in the canal.
11:57He was that blustered, he wobbled off into the canal.
12:02Well, that explains it.
12:04My father was cycling along the canal when he saw someone in distress, so he removed his
12:09outer garments and dived in to save them.
12:12Oh, brave Daddy.
12:13Very commendable.
12:18He must remove more than his outer garments, Mrs. Bucket.
12:22Bouquet.
12:24When it was pulled out, he was absolutely naked.
12:28Pollution.
12:29I mean, what he'd been wearing was obviously dissolved by the pollution.
12:32If you'd excuse me, I must attend to my other patient.
12:36Why is he sedated after such a plucky act?
12:39Well, he was highly excited, and then, of course, there was the injury.
12:42From the milk bottle.
12:44Where is the injury?
12:46You may tell me the worst.
12:48I demand to be shown the extent of his injuries.
12:54Very well.
12:55Where is the injury?
13:12Never you mind.
13:13How are things?
13:35I'm too distressed at the moment, Elizabeth.
13:38My father is recovering from injuries sustained in the course of a very plucky action.
13:43which he modestly forbids me to discuss.
13:46Well, is there anything I...
13:48Just give me time to recover my composure,
13:51and then come and take tea with me at 3.25.
13:553.25?
13:57Not 27.
13:58Oh, it's you, Elizabeth.
14:13A tiny bit early, perhaps, but do come in.
14:15I thought it was 3.25.
14:19Not quite, dear.
14:20My watch is 3.25.
14:22Oh, that watch, yes, I expect it would.
14:26Shall we go through to the kitchen?
14:29I don't know why you won't let me through your back door.
14:32I think it's so common, don't you, using back doors?
14:35No, the proper way for my guests, I always feel, is through the front door.
14:40And then straight into the kitchen.
14:43Well, yes.
14:44Unless, of course, it's someone special.
14:48Now, I know you're saying to yourself,
14:49how is she being so brave?
14:51Well, yes, I am brave.
14:53My father would wish it.
14:55I admit I miss my Sheridan at times like these.
14:59He's such a comfort to his mother, as well as being terribly gifted.
15:02Do sit down, Elizabeth.
15:03Make yourself at home.
15:04Oh, not there, dear.
15:05I like to face the window.
15:15Lemon?
15:20My word.
15:22Doesn't someone look smarter than she did earlier?
15:25Something new, dear?
15:27No, no, I've had it ages.
15:29Oh, yes, I can see you have now.
15:33I thought we'd have the nicer china.
15:35Oh, thank you, Hyacinth.
15:37There's something of a family heirloom.
15:40Oh, God, don't get me anything special.
15:42So you will be careful, won't you, dear?
15:46Biscuit?
15:47Well, thank you.
15:49I used to have six of these until one fell into the hands of my brother-in-law, Onslow, one Christmas.
15:57I could have killed him.
16:00Of course, one can't make a fuss on festive occasions, but he's certainly got the short end of the turkey, I can tell you.
16:05Did they tell you what was wrong with your father?
16:12Something mildly embarrassing.
16:14One of those minor geriatric complaints.
16:17I couldn't catch the medical terminology.
16:19No, you cannot have a number 24, nor a double portion of 37.
16:32This isn't the Chinese takeaway.
16:33This is a private, slim-line, white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade.
16:43Especially not one of foreign extraction.
16:48Oh, Hyacinth, I'm so sorry.
16:50Now, do stop worrying, dear.
16:52We're not going to fall out over a cup of saucer.
16:55Even a very old, irreplaceable cup of saucer.
16:59Oh, it would happen to me.
17:00Now, believe me, I do understand.
17:03It can't be easy to be dainty when you're all thumbs.
17:07There, I think that will do until I can afford a little more time.
17:11Oh, dear.
17:11Now, we're not going to worry any more about a bit of expensive carpet and a cup that's been around for ages.
17:18Which reminds me, did it soil your dress, dear?
17:20No.
17:22No surprising, it didn't end fine.
17:23Oh, that's amazing.
17:25Would you like another cup of Earl Grey?
17:27No.
17:29In a beaker, perhaps?
17:30Nope, nothing, thank you, no.
17:31Well, it's all over now.
17:34All over everywhere.
17:36Do sit down again, Elizabeth.
17:41Have you heard from Gail recently?
17:44Yes, she rang at the weekend.
17:46That's nice.
17:47I think her daughter always should.
17:49Oh, Gail's very good that way.
17:51So is my Sheridan.
17:52I tremble to think sometimes of what he spends on phone calls to his mother.
17:58Not that he can't afford it, of course.
18:00They gave him a very good grant at the poly, you know, to stop him being tempted by Oxford or Cambridge.
18:05Gail's studying hard.
18:10Well, it's a struggle, isn't it, when they're not academically gifted?
18:15Our Gail is academically gifted, is she?
18:19I wonder who I can be confusing her with.
18:22Perhaps it's that boy she's living so openly and unashamedly unmarried with.
18:26I hardly think so.
18:29Harold is a very nice boy with a first-class brain.
18:32Is he?
18:33Yes, he is, Hyacinth, I can assure you.
18:36Well, you'd never know to look at him, would you?
18:41I hope that's not Daddy going septic.
18:50The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
18:54Oh, it's you, Violet.
18:56It's my sister, Violet, the one who married the turf accountant.
19:00He built that big house with room for a sauna and a pony.
19:03How do you speak about Violet?
19:04Frequently.
19:07Slow down, Violet, dear.
19:09You sound very excited.
19:11I know it's been a shock about Daddy.
19:14Well, what are you excited about?
19:18Violet, that's not a word I ever expected to hear you use on a telephone.
19:23Bruce?
19:24What about Bruce?
19:26I don't...
19:29Oh, well, I've never liked him wholeheartedly on account of those ice cubes he serves in
19:36the shape of naked ladies.
19:37Why shouldn't he buy a whip?
19:40I expect he got it from a jockey.
19:43What does he use it for?
19:48Violet, would you ring back, dear?
19:52No, no, all right, all right.
19:54I'll stay on the phone.
19:56Look, hold on.
19:57There's a person at the front door.
19:59Elizabeth, would you see to that for me, dear?
20:00Kindly inform whoever it is that I am at home and that I will receive them momentarily.
20:07No, dear, it's Elizabeth from next door.
20:14That's right, the one who's all thumbs.
20:16Well, you met her once at one of my candlelight suppers.
20:23What do you mean you couldn't see anybody?
20:28Well, she's fine.
20:29She's just broken one of grandmother's cups.
20:33It's a security latch.
20:35There's a little button.
20:37Richard had it installed to protect me from anyone desperate.
20:40There would have to be.
20:47Ah, electric.
20:49Have you been next door?
20:50Yes, there's nobody in.
20:51I know, I'm here.
20:52Oh, well, I've left you a card.
20:54Oh, it's the electric man to read your meter.
20:59Is it the one with the funny moustache?
21:03Tell her yes.
21:04He says yes.
21:06Well, make him wait there till I've looked at his feet.
21:08Look, Violet, I have to go, dear.
21:12I've got the electric.
21:17Oh, my goodness.
21:19I'm so sorry.
21:21I've been thinking about my sister.
21:22She seems to have had a rather active holiday.
21:25Oh, the shoes.
21:27You've remembered our procedure from last time.
21:31Very well.
21:33Well, leave them outside and do come in.
21:36Thank you, dear.
21:38Great improvement on the one I had before.
21:42He used to brush against my walls.
21:44Of course, I rang his superiors.
21:46I told them, I said,
21:46I will not have electric men brushing against my walls.
21:52Elizabeth, close the door, dear.
21:53The heat's on.
21:56Ah, oh, fingers.
21:58Eight, three, two, one.
22:09Correct.
22:10Is your electric as clean as it was, do you think?
22:20My pots are sometimes very difficult to clean.
22:23Cleanest fuel there is.
22:24But it goes to some very funny families.
22:26Would you have mine checked to make quite sure I get it first?
22:29Leave it with me, lady.
22:31Because I won't have it if it's already been to some of those other places.
22:34Right-o, madam.
22:37Much obliged.
22:45Tony, me.
22:45Shouldn't that be its only idea?
22:55Especially when you're shouting at where the neighbours can hear.
22:58I'm not sure.
23:00Well, neither am I, so you must be careful.
23:03How's your father?
23:04I rang.
23:05The ward's sister answered.
23:07She says he's sitting up and beginning to take an interest.
23:09Oh, that's good.
23:10In the physiotherapist.
23:11He thinks he's in love with the physiotherapist.
23:18It's probably just the drugs.
23:20And that swine, Bruce, wants my sister to wear some awful leather outfit.
23:25Is she going to take her motorcycling?
23:28No, it's not motorcycling.
23:30It's something he picked up in Spain.
23:33Well, bullfighting.
23:34No, it's that either.
23:36Anyway, dear, enough of my problems.
23:38Did you manage to get my parsley?
23:40Yes, in the kitchen.
23:41And you'll never guess who I bumped into.
23:43Good.
23:44Would you polish those glasses for me, dear?
23:47And then give me a hand with buffing up the cruet.
23:55Sheridan!
23:57How sensitive of you to call, dear.
24:00What a close psychic link we have, you and I.
24:03What does he want?
24:04I don't know that he wants anything.
24:06He's just ringing his mother.
24:09You need how much, Sheridan?
24:10For what?
24:14You've joined an organisation.
24:15Well, that's nice, dear, making friends.
24:18What kind of an organisation?
24:19Is it like a club, a golf club?
24:22Not a golf club, I see.
24:24Just a group of friends.
24:27You call yourselves what, dear?
24:28The sword of the people.
24:31Now, do be careful, Sheridan.
24:33Make sure they're not too sharp.
24:37And always wear a mask.
24:40You do wear masks.
24:41Oh, that's very sensible.
24:42You'll pay Daddy back when?
24:47When you've robbed your first bank, Sheridan.
24:50Look, dear, couldn't you find some nice philatelic society to join?
24:56But...
24:57No, we will not send a cheque.
25:00Richard?
25:01That's Sheridan on the phone.
25:03Oh.
25:06Now, listen, Sheridan, you've upset your father.
25:09Oh.
25:10Oh, Major, I'm so sorry.
25:12I was expecting another call.
25:16Yes.
25:17Oh, yes, my candlelight supper is still on.
25:20Oh, it's been a funny day, but we have to press on.
25:23Would I like some flowers from your conservatory?
25:27How very kind.
25:30Yes, I'll pop along now.
25:32That's very civilised of you, Major.
25:35Bye.
25:36What about Sheridan?
25:38Don't send him any money.
25:42Oh, isn't this delightful?
26:08You know, this is so kind of you.
26:10I've got some prime blooms for you.
26:14Oh, lovely.
26:17Oh, you grew them all yourself, isn't it?
26:20Especially.
26:22Oh, no.
26:25I must rush.
26:27There's none.
26:28I...
26:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
26:40Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
27:10is wrong. We're going to have a candlelight supper. It's going to be the usual success.
27:17I see no reason for trailing our problems in front of our friends.
27:22Is the Major coming? Yes, Richard. I do believe the Major will be coming.
27:31And it's a good job he is a Major. If he was a Sergeant, he wouldn't get a foot past the door.
27:40
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