W.H.t.T.L.L. S01 E06. Birthday Boy.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 13th February 1973.  Terry thinks everybody has forgotten his birthday but Bob and Thelma have organized a surprise party for him and send two girls to the pub to collect him.  Rodney Bewes - Bob Ferris James Bolam - Terry Collier Brigit Forsyth - Thelma Sandra Downs - Janey (as Sandra Downes) Michael Ralph - Hugh Christopher Biggins - Podge Norman Mitchell - Jack Shirley Steedman - Deborah Elissa Derwent - Clare Olive Milbourne - Mrs. Collier Brian Grellis - Colin Stephanie Turner - Mary Derek Etchells - Stan

Transcript

00:00Oh, what happened to you? Whatever happened to me? And what became of the people we used to be?

00:15Tomorrow's almost over. The day went by so fast. It's the only thing to look forward to. The past.

00:35Come on now, stir yourself, my lad. Oh, what time is it? Half past eight. Only half past eight?

00:42Well, that's late enough. I must do this room out today. It's not been touched since you got back. It smells like one of your army expressions, like a...

00:53Maltese brothel? Terry. It's made you coarse, the army has made you crude. I was going to say a gorilla's armpit.

01:04Mother, that is hardly the height of gentility.

01:06What I'm saying is, don't you bring any of your barrack wrong ways or your Maltese brothels into this house.

01:15My, let's open a window, get some air in.

01:19This room smells like last night's beer and last week's socks.

01:23Should smell as sexy. Should smell of my new aftershave, which according to the bottle makes me dangerous to be with.

01:28Oh, and what's it called? Pickled onions for men?

01:32It's called quiver. And I was hoping that on today of all days, somebody was going to give me some refills.

01:38And what's today of all days?

01:40It's a day when I didn't expect to be walking up at half past eight in the morning.

01:44It's a day when I might have expected a little attention and affection lavished on me.

01:48A day when I should have been woken up gently at noon with bacon and eggs, fried bread and dripping and the sporting life.

01:54I'm not running this house for a resettlement centre for disabled ex-servicemen, I'll have you know.

02:01So you best get your thinking cap on, my lamp.

02:03Mother, don't you know what day it is?

02:05Thursday.

02:06I mean, what day historically?

02:09Oh, look, look, just pay a bit of attention to me for a minute, will you?

02:11Just down dust us for a second.

02:13What happened in 1944, not counting the Second World War and all that, something which we have celebrated ever since?

02:21Your Uncle Stan lost his arm in Normandy, but we don't celebrate that.

02:26I meant a happy event, something which, during the grief and confusion of war, brought you a ray of sunshine and joy.

02:33I saw Gone with the Wind for the third time.

02:36Is there nothing else vivid in your memory?

02:41I remember I had a terrible time carrying you.

02:44And then?

02:47Eee!

02:48I didn't forget, pet.

02:50Oh, I didn't forget.

02:51Of course you forgot.

02:53I got your card.

02:54Now, what have I done with it?

02:57Eee!

02:57Who's that?

02:58And look at you.

02:59You're still not dressed.

03:00Oh, sorry, pet.

03:02It's Bob's car.

03:03Ah, friends.

03:04Real friends don't forget.

03:06I'll let him in.

03:07Many upper returns of the day.

03:08Thanks a bunch.

03:12Not a single card.

03:14What the hell's this?

03:17Gender.

03:18The most comprehensive up-to-date manual on adult sexual instruction.

03:23No obligation.

03:24Send 15 quid.

03:26Happy birthday.

03:29Oh, God.

03:31This room spells like a Turkish wrestler's jockstrap.

03:33What are you and all?

03:37Hey, some people have it easy, don't they?

03:39Tea in bed and the papers.

03:41What's this?

03:41An offer for sexual instruction.

03:43Oh, I thought when I did that.

03:45What, wrote it or posed for it?

03:48No, you fool.

03:49We gave them your name and address.

03:50If we get a friend to send in, we get ours half price.

03:53Well, how could it be no obligation?

03:54Send 15 quid.

03:56Well, I suppose it means you send you 15 quid for the manual like and then I suppose, um,

04:01I suppose, um, you don't have to follow the instructions.

04:05Books.

04:06I'd rather spend the money on a Maltese brothel.

04:08What made you think of Maltese brothels?

04:11Oh, I mean, Mother was on about them a minute ago.

04:14Your mother?

04:15Hmm.

04:16Does she recommend them?

04:17I don't know.

04:19She's never been to Maltese.

04:20She's been to Boulogne.

04:21Her sister and her went to Boulogne on a day trip.

04:24They don't have brothels in Boulogne.

04:25So what?

04:26They didn't go for that.

04:27They went for some duty-free scent and a paperweight in the shape of the Eiffel Tower.

04:31Look, I'll go out and I'll come in again.

04:35God, this place smells like a Boulogne brewery.

04:38They can't brew beer and Boulogne.

04:39It's all that filthy red wine.

04:41Oh, never mind, man.

04:42I haven't got the time.

04:42I'm supposed to be at work.

04:44And, er, I've got something important to discuss.

04:47Of course you have, Robert.

04:48You know how I was going to meet you tonight for a drink at the Black Horse?

04:51Well, I've just remembered in time.

04:55Today's a special occasion.

04:57Well, it's nice of you to think of it that way, Bob.

05:03What do you think of these?

05:06Oh, you shouldn't.

05:08You wouldn't believe the price.

05:09That's a thought that counts.

05:16They're earrings.

05:19Of course they're earrings.

05:20I'm not a bloody gypsy.

05:22What are you buying me for Christmas, a caravan?

05:26They're not for you.

05:26They're for Thelma.

05:28Thelma?

05:29It's her anniversary present.

05:30Do you think she'll like them?

05:31Anniversary of what?

05:32Her engagement.

05:33Well, you've had three.

05:34Which one is this?

05:36They're nice, aren't they?

05:37Do you like them?

05:37And this is the special occasion, is it?

05:39Yeah, that's why I can't meet you tonight for a drink at the Black Horse.

05:42That's why I called round.

05:43I'm taking Thelma to the pictures.

05:45They're reviving Gone with the Wind at the Regal.

05:48Do you know I've never seen it?

05:49Isn't that incredible?

05:51Not really.

05:51I wasn't born when they made that.

05:53I meant an incredible coincidence.

05:54My mother also puts Clark Gable and Vivian Lee before me, and my uncle Stan's left arm.

06:00Left arm?

06:01Left in Normandy.

06:04Was this, um, on that day trip to Boulogne?

06:09Special occasion.

06:11I would have thought you of all people, eh?

06:14Yeah, well, you live and learn.

06:16What's the matter?

06:18Nothing.

06:19Well, come on, there's obviously something the matter.

06:22I've just said nothing.

06:23Look, I know you well enough.

06:24I can tell by the way you said nothing that there's something.

06:27How did I say it?

06:28Well, you didn't just say nothing.

06:30You said nothing.

06:32All hurt and pained with that look on your face.

06:35What look?

06:36Your, your, your martyr's look.

06:37You all go out and enjoy yourselves and leave it and suffer look.

06:41Aye, well.

06:43You're not going to tell me then?

06:44If you don't know, there's no point.

06:46Well, give us a clue.

06:50What day is it?

06:51Uh, Thursday.

06:52I mean, what day historically?

06:54You're not counting Madame's anniversary.

06:55Oh, I haven't got time for quiz at a week, man.

06:58I'm supposed to be at work.

06:59Some of us can't stop in bed all day.

07:01I'm sorry about tonight.

07:02I'll call round tomorrow.

07:04You don't remember then?

07:06Look, I've got to be at work.

07:07I'm supposed to be there at nine o'clock.

07:09I don't know what day it is.

07:10Unless it's your birthday.

07:11Sorry.

07:12I should think so and all.

07:23I forgot the earrings.

07:29There you are, Pat.

07:31I told you I'd got you one.

07:35Four and a half p.

07:36Oh, Mother, you might at least have signed it.

07:41I'll do it later, Pat, when I'm not so busy.

07:44On this day of love and joy, here's a toast to my dear boy.

07:48I wish him joy.

07:53I wish him well.

07:54I wish his bedroom didn't smell.

07:59Now, I've promised to do some birthday requests.

08:01So, for all these people who've gone.

08:04Hello?

08:05It's open.

08:07It's only me.

08:08Oh, I thought it was Arads with a wagon load of presents.

08:12I brought you an evening paper.

08:13Oh, cheers.

08:14How much is that?

08:15Three p.

08:15I don't want no money.

08:16No, I'll pay my way.

08:18I'll pay my way.

08:20Can I have a cup of tea?

08:21Yeah, look yourself.

08:22Probably need some more water.

08:24Well, that looks all right.

08:27What are you doing, then?

08:28What am I doing?

08:29I'm eating a raspberry sandwich and having a cup of tea.

08:31That's what I'm doing.

08:32What are you doing?

08:33Oh, nothing.

08:33I just thought I'd pop round on my way from work, see you.

08:36See how you were.

08:38Happy birthday.

08:41I remember.

08:43Aren't you going to blow it out, make a wish?

08:45I'll blow you out.

08:46Pardon?

08:50Aren't you going to enter into the spirit of things?

08:53Oh, yes.

08:53We'll have jelly and ice cream and wear paper hats and we'll all play musical chairs.

08:57If you like.

08:58Or statues.

09:00Da-dun, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun.

09:02Oh, sit down, will you?

09:05Sit down.

09:05And what was that other game we used to play?

09:07What was it?

09:07Hunt the thimble?

09:08I can think of something much more difficult to hunt than a thimble.

09:11Hunt the birthday card.

09:13Didn't you get a lot of cards?

09:14I got one from our Audrey's kids.

09:17And that wasn't even the right one.

09:19It said, get well soon.

09:20That was just a mistake.

09:23Perhaps.

09:24Perhaps not.

09:26What do you mean?

09:26Perhaps they know something I don't know.

09:28Perhaps I've got some incurable disease and they're not letting on.

09:30Oh, I shouldn't think so.

09:32Besides, they can cure anything these days.

09:35Except loneliness.

09:35Do you remember your 12th birthday party around here in this room?

09:40Yes, I remember it.

09:41I got cards and presents and things.

09:43It was a good party, that.

09:44Because we'd just reached that transitional stage.

09:47You're going off Hunt the Thimble and going on to hunting Deirdre Birchwood.

09:51It was a sort of puberty party.

09:55I remember we played Dustman's Knock.

09:57Eh?

09:58Same as Postman's Knock, only dirtier.

10:02And what was that other game?

10:04Photography.

10:05Photography?

10:05Turn the lights out and see what develops.

10:08Ah, ah, very funny.

10:10I remember it as if it was yesterday.

10:11I don't recall it being all that exciting.

10:14No, of course it wasn't.

10:15That was my point, man.

10:16It's a mixture of childishness and early sexual awareness.

10:19I remember I poured a bowl of pink blancs down Deirdre Birchwood's brassiere.

10:23Do you remember?

10:24I remember.

10:25My hand was down there at the time.

10:30Aye, she was a big girl, that.

10:31Do you want another cup of tea or do you have to rush off?

10:33Isn't it a special occasion?

10:34Don't you have to take Thelma and our new earrings to see Gone With The Wind?

10:38Look, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday, man.

10:41Let's have a look at what your stars are.

10:42You'll have a special one today, won't you, birthday boy?

10:47What are you?

10:49Piskies.

10:53Pisces.

10:53Here we go.

10:55A good time for chucking out things like old grudges, inhibitions and making some kind of a fresh start.

11:01Take a closer look at your career and social possibilities and you discover new openings.

11:07I haven't got a career, I haven't even got a job.

11:10And as I've got no friends, I've got no social possibilities.

11:12So that stargazer's right up the flue to start with.

11:15Well, that's why it's a good time for making a fresh start.

11:17There's a bit more here.

11:19Tonight, in harmonious atmosphere, pleasant memories return.

11:23Well, if you can call the public bar at the Black Horse Harmonious Atmosphere, I suppose he's right.

11:28And I'll only have memories to keep me company.

11:31The trouble with you Pisces people is you like stability, you like fish.

11:35You just drift through life aimlessly and are prone to melancholy.

11:38Don't talk rubbish.

11:40How can fish be prone to melancholy?

11:42Well, have you ever seen a cheerful-looking haddock?

11:45Or a merry mackerel?

11:47I'd rather be a fish than a goat.

11:49That's what your lot are, aren't they?

11:50Aren't Capricorns goats?

11:51I'm not a Capricorn by temperament.

11:54I wouldn't be Capricorn at all if I wasn't premature.

11:58I'd have been Aquarius if my mother hadn't got crushed in the January sales.

12:05Ah, that's all that a gunge, that star nonsense anyway.

12:08It gives here the celebrity birthday.

12:12Oh.

12:13What do you mean, oh?

12:15Well, no-one really famous has their birthday same as you.

12:18Best they can do is James Ogilvie.

12:21Who?

12:21There you go.

12:23The actual fact is the son of Princess Alexandra and the Honourable Angus Ogilvie.

12:27But he's not short of presents.

12:29I share the same birthday with Bruce Forsythe.

12:31Do you really?

12:35Is that what you're really going to do tonight?

12:38Go down the Black Horse, I mean?

12:39I suppose so.

12:41No, but if you are, I mean, definitely.

12:43Are you definitely going down there?

12:45What's it got to do with you?

12:46Well, if you're definitely going down there, I'll meet you.

12:48I'll come across during the intermission and have a swift half.

12:52Suit yourself?

12:53Right.

12:54Well, I'll be off then.

12:55Cheers.

12:55I told you, didn't I?

13:00Pisces, prone to melancholy.

13:01Penny for them?

13:06Whatever happened to Deirdre Birchwood?

13:14Whatever happened to Blomond?

13:15Hey, Bob, how will we recognise him?

13:22What, do you wear a red carnation?

13:24He hasn't changed that much, Podge.

13:26Oh, it's five years since I've seen him.

13:28It must be.

13:28It must be five years.

13:29I don't think I'd know if I bumped into him in the street.

13:32Come off it.

13:33You squirt with him before we got engaged.

13:34So did Janey.

13:35I don't know why he don't just have his ex-girlfriends here

13:37and we lads will go down to the pub, eh?

13:39Ah, we could do.

13:40Another game of cars.

13:41Oh, Podge, no.

13:43Go on, help yourself.

13:44Come on, lads.

13:46Surely you can give up one night at the Fat Talks.

13:48It's supposed to be a party.

13:50A surprise party.

13:51He's always played darts Thursday night.

13:53It's the welcome, Matt, isn't it?

13:55Never miss.

13:55Look, he's been away five years.

13:57He's lost touch with all his friends

13:58and he doesn't think he's got any friends at all.

14:01He's been in the forces.

14:02Let's give him a big welcome.

14:03It's his birthday.

14:05Show him how pleased we are to see him.

14:06Give him a smile and a pat on the back and a chat.

14:08Really G him up.

14:10All right.

14:10Right.

14:11Then we go down to the Fat Talks.

14:13Oh, Stan.

14:13Stan.

14:15Thelma's made all this lovely food

14:16and there's all you want to drink here.

14:18I just thought you'd like to see your ex-lover alone.

14:21He was never my lover.

14:22There was nothing between me and Terry Collier.

14:25Frequently.

14:25Hey, watch it.

14:27I never know what you saw in him.

14:28You usually like a bit of flesh on you, man.

14:31Right, let's attend.

14:32Come on, it's time for Deborah and Claire to go and get him.

14:35Right, Deborah and Claire.

14:36Right, you go down the black horse.

14:38He'll be in there, chat him up and bring him back here.

14:40There's a quid for the taxi.

14:41Neither of us have ever met him, you know.

14:43Well, that's the point, Deborah.

14:44It'll be a surprise for him.

14:46Two attractive girls he's never seen before making a play for him.

14:49Yeah, he'll be out of his mind.

14:51And he's thin, you say?

14:52Yes, thin and forlorn.

14:53And he'll be in the public bar.

14:55That's the one between the snug and the saloon.

14:57Are you ready, sexy?

14:58Oh, ready when you are.

15:00Hooray!

15:02Good luck.

15:03Wait till he sees those two.

15:04Wait till he sees us.

15:06It's going to be like this behind the scenes or this is your life.

15:08Yeah, I wish we could have found Deirdre Birchwood.

15:10This is your life.

15:12You remember this voice.

15:13Who put Le Mange down my brazier?

15:15Hooray!

15:17Big, your party.

15:19Oh, nothing, Thelma, love.

15:20Just a party a long time ago.

15:21We're kids.

15:31There's a lager, please.

15:32Bottled.

15:33Coming up, sir.

15:35All right.

15:36Can't complain.

15:38Aye, well.

15:39Could be worse.

15:41Always could.

15:42Always someone.

15:44Worse than you.

15:45True enough.

15:47So, you've got to look at it.

15:49Aye.

15:50Count your blessings.

15:52Always someone worse off than you.

15:54Poor James.

15:57Cheers.

15:58Cheers.

16:04Not much happening round here.

16:06Not much, no.

16:08You waiting for someone?

16:10Only Candice Bergen and Julie Christie.

16:13Oh, aye.

16:14They're always bloody late, them two.

16:17Just like Bridget Bardot.

16:19She's kept me waiting three hours already.

16:21Well, it's a long way from Sandra Paye on a donkey.

16:25You must be going to the same party as me, on the Burton's yacht.

16:28Yeah, well, you've got to, haven't you?

16:30She was so upset when I didn't turn up for the birthday party.

16:33Hey, can I give you a lift?

16:34Sammy Davis Jr.'s picking me up in his helicopter.

16:36Er, no, thanks all the same.

16:38I'm going on the Onassis Overcraft.

16:41She'll be there for cocktails.

16:42Aye, just in time for the Grand Gala Fancy Dress Ball.

16:47I like your outfit.

16:49Yeah, it's neat, isn't it?

16:51I thought I'd go as an ordinary northern working-class bloke with no job and no prospects.

16:55Suit ya.

16:57What are you going as?

16:58Genghis Khan.

16:59Of course.

17:01I left me hoard outside.

17:04Do you fancy a bacon-flavoured crisp?

17:06Oh, thank you, mate.

17:07Like a drink?

17:08Why not?

17:10Special, please.

17:12Just going to see a man about a dog.

17:14Special, please.

17:15Come it up.

17:25Hello.

17:26You what?

17:26She said hello.

17:30Me friend said hello.

17:32Can I have one of your bacon-flavoured crisps?

17:34Be me guest.

17:35Are you on your own?

17:37Sort of.

17:37All alone.

17:38Nobody loves you.

17:39Oh, how can someone as devastating as him be on his own depths?

17:43One of life's mysteries.

17:45I was stood up.

17:46She must be mad.

17:48Well, she was travelling from France.

17:52Do you want to come with us to this party?

17:55It's not...

17:55It's not Candice and Julie, is it?

17:58Deborah and Claire.

18:00Oh, well.

18:01What's in her name?

18:03You haven't said.

18:05Said what?

18:06If you're coming or not.

18:08Where is it, this, er, party?

18:10Well, it's, er...

18:11It's a surprise.

18:13What's the matter?

18:14Don't you trust us?

18:15I hope not.

18:16LAUGHTER

18:16Well, come on, then.

18:20Find out.

18:21Hey, look, will you give the Burtons my apologies, sir?

18:29Tell them something's come up.

18:30LAUGHTER

18:31Cheer up, Chief.

18:39There's lots worse off than you.

18:41Name bloody one.

18:42LAUGHTER

18:43It's a bit quiet for a party, isn't it?

18:51It won't be later on.

18:52Yeah.

18:53Hey, come on, hey.

18:54Hey, it's not one of those parties, is it?

18:57LAUGHTER

18:57Of course not.

18:59Give us your hand.

19:00Go on, Debs.

19:02Fares a jolly good fellow

19:04Fares a jolly good fellow

19:06Fares a jolly good fellow

19:08Who the hell are you?

19:10LAUGHTER

19:11I've never known Terry.

19:15You're not Terry, you're an imposter.

19:16You what?

19:17I thought it was Terry.

19:18Hey, what are you doing

19:19going around masquerading

19:20as my mate Terry Collier?

19:21I've never masqueraded in me life.

19:23Oh, just a minute, Bob.

19:24Look, who are you?

19:25Yes, who are you?

19:27Colin.

19:28Colin Ferguson.

19:30Oh.

19:31Hey, you're a coven, aren't you?

19:33I've read about you in News at World.

19:35Witchcraft in the suburbs.

19:37I'm going to be a sacrifice.

19:39Oh, help!

19:40Help!

19:41To the best, sir.

19:42There we are.

19:43Thank you, sir.

19:46Hello, killer.

19:46I thought I might have missed you.

19:48Why?

19:48Well, they said...

19:49No, he said...

19:50No, I didn't mean to say that

19:51because there's no he is there.

19:52I mean, well, there's no they.

19:53There's no they either.

19:53No.

19:54No, what I meant to say was

19:55it's getting late.

19:57It's later than you think.

19:58It's later than I think.

20:00You've been taking Thelma's

20:01slimming pills again.

20:03No, no.

20:04No, just in a bit of a state, that's all.

20:06A bit of a...

20:06It's a long drive, that.

20:07You drove from the Regal?

20:09It's only round the corner.

20:11The Regal?

20:12I thought you were at the Regal

20:13watching Gone with the Wind.

20:14I thought you were going to pop in

20:15for a swift half

20:16while Atlanta was burning.

20:17Oh, yes, I was.

20:18I didn't.

20:18I mean, one thing I didn't do

20:19was drive from the Regal.

20:20But you said, I just heard you.

20:22You said it's a long drive,

20:23that you said.

20:24Yes, yes.

20:24What I meant was

20:25it's a long drive from Atlanta.

20:27That's what I meant.

20:27It's a long drive from Atlanta.

20:29Well, you've lost me.

20:32So while you're having

20:32this temperamental lapse,

20:33I'll have a large scotch on you.

20:35Yeah, good idea.

20:35Yeah, me too.

20:36Two large scotches, please, George.

20:38Coming up.

20:39What was the film like?

20:40Terrible.

20:41I thought it was a masterpiece.

20:43Yes, yes, it is.

20:44A terrible masterpiece, yes.

20:46That's what I meant.

20:47What I meant was

20:48it's terrible.

20:48Terrible what they're doing

20:49to Atlanta.

20:50Burning it.

20:51That's what I meant.

20:51That was terrible.

20:52Oh, Grant, thanks.

20:54Thanks, George.

20:54Ta.

20:55Have one yourself.

20:56Keep the change.

20:57It's his birthday.

20:59Happy birthday.

20:59Many of them.

21:00Yeah.

21:01The fewer, the better

21:02as far as I'm concerned.

21:03You haven't had

21:04a very pleasant evening?

21:06No.

21:07It hasn't really been

21:08a happy birthday, has it?

21:11Much the same as

21:12most of the others.

21:14You know, Bob,

21:15I've been thinking

21:16my parents never

21:18really wanted me.

21:19Oh, come on.

21:22What gives you

21:23that idea?

21:23No, no, I don't

21:24reckon they did.

21:25It was the war, man.

21:27They'd already

21:27got two daughters.

21:28Not much money

21:29coming in,

21:30a bombed house

21:30to cope with.

21:32Last thing in the world

21:33they wanted

21:33was another mouth

21:34to feed.

21:35Well, you're here,

21:36aren't you?

21:37Living proof.

21:38Proof?

21:39Proof of what?

21:40That me dad

21:40had a couple of jars

21:41too many one night

21:42on a 48-hour pass.

21:43I was probably

21:46conceived in an

21:47Anderson shelter.

21:49You probably only

21:49did it to keep

21:50my mother's mind

21:51off a doodle bug.

21:55How long have you

21:56been in here?

21:57Come on, man.

21:59Of course your father

21:59wanted you.

22:00All men want sons.

22:02It's a well-known fact

22:03to carry on the line.

22:04Do they?

22:05Well, of course they do.

22:06Besides, doodle bugs

22:07didn't come in

22:08till after you were born.

22:10I only know

22:10I must have been

22:11starved of love

22:11and affection when

22:12I was a child.

22:13That's why I'm such

22:14a loner.

22:15People sense it.

22:17I've got no friends.

22:19No real friends at all.

22:21I was talking to a bloke

22:22in here just half an

22:23hour ago.

22:24Getting on quite well

22:24with him.

22:25He was eating me crisps.

22:27I went out for a

22:28Jimmy Riddle and when

22:28I get back, he's been

22:31swept out of here by

22:32two teenage ravers.

22:34No mention of me

22:35going with him.

22:36No talk about making

22:37up a foursome.

22:37Oh, no.

22:38You've got friends.

22:40Stacks of them.

22:41People who want

22:43to see you again.

22:44Close friends.

22:47Bob, you're the closest.

22:51You'd tell me,

22:52wouldn't you?

22:53Tell me straight.

22:59Tell you what?

23:02If I'd got B.O.

23:04or bad breath

23:05or sweaty feet

23:09or all three

23:10or all three

23:10You haven't, man.

23:12Because I wouldn't be

23:13hurt, you know.

23:13It wouldn't make any

23:14difference to me.

23:14If I thought the answer

23:15was going home and

23:16getting under a tap

23:17with a big bar of life,

23:18boy, I wouldn't let

23:18pride interfere.

23:19There's nothing wrong

23:21with your personal hygiene.

23:23Even me mother

23:24follows me around the

23:24house with an aerosol.

23:26Oh, come on, man.

23:27Just because someone's

23:28forgot your birthday,

23:30in actual fact,

23:31I have got something

23:32for you,

23:32something to cheer you up.

23:34I don't wonder, thanks.

23:36Well, you've got to have it

23:37because I've already got it.

23:39Got what?

23:40Well, it's a surprise,

23:41isn't it?

23:42We'll knock these back

23:43and we'll go and get it.

23:44What about Gone with the Wind?

23:45Oh, forget Gone with the Wind.

23:47Ask no questions.

23:48Come on, knock them back

23:49and we'll go.

23:50Fair enough.

23:52Oh.

23:55Oh, George,

23:56if Candice and Julie

23:58turn up,

23:59tell them how to dash,

23:59will you?

24:00Ah.

24:03It's Bob's car.

24:05Now, everybody hush.

24:06Are there two of them?

24:07Yes.

24:08Yes.

24:08Why Thelma's house?

24:12You'll find out.

24:13You'll find out.

24:14Right, now,

24:14put this on.

24:15Eh?

24:15What are you doing, man?

24:16What are you doing?

24:17Well, it's just like

24:17blind man's book.

24:18What's that in aid of?

24:19Is that too tight?

24:20No, no, that's all right.

24:21I can't see the point.

24:23That's the point of it

24:24you're not supposed to see.

24:26Now, go here.

24:27Well, where's this present, then?

24:29No mad rush.

24:30No mad...

24:30Now, stand there.

24:33Right, now.

24:35Put your hands out.

24:38It's a girl.

24:50Very perceptive.

24:51Thelma?

24:51No, of course it's not.

24:53Oh, good.

24:53I can enjoy myself.

24:56Well, I can't be Deirdre Birchwood,

24:58otherwise I wouldn't be able

24:58to stand this close.

25:00Right, now, turn round.

25:02Now, put your hands out again.

25:04It's another girl.

25:09Correct.

25:10I'm beginning to enjoy my birthday.

25:12Hey, which one is yours?

25:14Where does Thelma think you are tonight?

25:15Even in classes again?

25:18Ah, certainly not.

25:20They're both yours.

25:21It's your birthday.

25:22Sheherazade.

25:23Pardon?

25:23Perfume.

25:24Sheherazade.

25:25She's wearing it.

25:25Can you recognise perfume?

25:27That one I can,

25:27because Janie Freeman used to wear it.

25:29Do you remember her?

25:30And as our relationship

25:31was a very physical one,

25:32her memory will linger up

25:33my nostrils for quite a few years.

25:34Yeah, well, Terry...

25:35Hey, hey, hey,

25:36did she marry that Hugh in the end?

25:38My God,

25:38he wasn't off a great long streak

25:40a week later, he was.

25:41Yeah, well,

25:42that's enough of this game, Terry.

25:43Hey, did they still knock around

25:44with the other couple?

25:45Mary.

25:46Mary, Orgin, Stan.

25:47Mary, Mary.

25:48She wasn't so bloody contrarian.

25:49Well, he's a jolly good fellow,

25:53for he's a jolly good fellow, Stan.

25:55Stuff your party, Collier.

25:57I understand.

25:57If it wasn't your birthday,

25:58I'd stuff you.

25:59Hugh, I...

26:00Oh, dear.

26:01Thelma, what's going on?

26:02What are you doing?

26:03What am I doing?

26:04I'm playing hostess to a party.

26:05That's what I'm doing.

26:07That's why the room's been done out

26:08and all this drink's been bought.

26:10It's why I spent the afternoon

26:11slicing cucumber and buttering bread

26:13and stuffing vol-a-vons.

26:15Hey, well,

26:17that's all over then.

26:18I mean, I must get down

26:19as the fat ox starts, you know.

26:21Could you drop us off

26:22near the ice rink?

26:22Aye, if you like.

26:23Well, it's nice to see you back, Terry.

26:35I don't know how you do it.

26:40I don't really.

26:41It must be a gift.

26:42Well, what have I done?

26:43You know what you said before?

26:45About not having any friends?

26:46Yes.

26:47You've got even less now.

26:48Well, we meet again.

26:56Small world.

26:59Uh, do you want a volleyball?

27:02Well, I might as well,

27:03as soon as how they've been stuffed

27:04on my behalf.

27:06Only like your friends.

27:07Ex-friends.

27:10Was it...

27:11Was it a surprise party, lad?

27:12Yes?

27:15You should have told me.

27:17Then it wouldn't have been a surprise, would it?

27:20Would have been a nice, jolly, successful party.

27:22But it wouldn't have been a surprise.

27:27Well, I'd better be off, then.

27:28Well, you're not going.

27:29All this has got to be eaten.

27:31The lovely volos, Thelma.

27:33I'm sorry, Thelma.

27:37I'm, I'm, I'm really sorry.

27:39Oh, it's all right, Terry.

27:41It's not your fault.

27:42Not entirely.

27:44It just all went...

27:46Oh, come on, Bob.

27:48Forgive and forget.

27:49Give him his present.

27:51Got me a present and all.

27:54Oh, you really make me feel bad now.

27:59Give me a party and now a present.

28:02I don't deserve friends like you.

28:05Happy birthday, kid.

28:07Many happy returns.

28:08Yes, best wishes.

28:10Many of them.

28:10I'm moved.

28:14And I can't pretend that I'm not moved.

28:18Quiver for men.

28:20Bob said that's what you wanted.

28:24Bath soap.

28:25Tull.

28:33Deodorant.

28:40What ever happened to me?

28:42What became of the people we used to be?

28:50Oh, what happened to you?

28:54Whatever happened to me?

28:58What became of the people we used to be?

29:04Oh, what happened to you?

29:06Oh, what happened to you?

29:07Whatever happened to me?

29:13What became of the people we used to be?

29:16Oh, what happened to you?

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