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Fun
Transcript
00:00So
00:30Dohanna!
00:55Astra, I came as soon as I got your text.
00:58What is it? What's happened?
00:59We have to go. We have to get out here now.
01:01We will. Tell me what's happened.
01:03He said it was an accident.
01:05Like when Mum died.
01:11Where is he?
01:26Oi! Logue!
01:29What do you want, eh?
01:39What the fuck did you do?
01:41We were just having a bit of fun.
01:44A bit of fun? Summoning demons for fun. Who's we? Where are the others?
01:51I must still be inside.
01:53Inside the club.
01:54You don't want to go in there.
01:55No. No, I bloody don't.
01:57Someone has to clean up your shit.
01:59I'll come in with you.
02:03I'll come in with you.
02:05Believe it or not, love.
02:07You're safer in here.
02:09ganz in here.
02:10With your father.
02:11I'll come in with you.
02:12No, no, no.
02:13I'll come in with you.
02:35All right, miss. We're here.
02:52Sorry. Long day.
02:56Morning's just getting started.
02:58Maybe feeling mine is as well.
03:05Joanna Constantine.
03:22Look at you all done up.
03:25What are you doing here, Eddie?
03:27Same as you, I expect.
03:29He's come in, isn't he?
03:32Who?
03:33Yeah, well, you know who?
03:37Morpheus.
03:39The Aeniromancer.
03:41You know the Sandman. He's back.
03:44The Sandman?
03:47The one who puts the kids to sleep?
03:49He's a fairy story, Eddie.
03:51He's no fairy story, missy.
03:53He's back and he wants his sand.
03:56Good to know.
03:59I'm off to work.
04:00You'll see.
04:02I know.
04:04I'm 280 years old and I know.
04:10Constantine.
04:18Have we met?
04:19We have business, you and I.
04:24Get in line, bruv.
04:26Can't get God waiting.
04:27Rick Zivik.
04:41You're here.
04:42Thank God.
04:43Not as a favor, though.
04:44I'm getting paid or I'm going to bed.
04:46Of course you are getting paid.
04:49This visit is strictly professional.
04:51Unless you, um, want to get a drink after.
04:54Tell me what's going on.
04:55Why have I been summoned?
04:57The usual reason.
04:58I have a soul indeed.
05:01Who is she?
05:03Does it matter?
05:04If I double your fee?
05:10Triple it.
05:14Her family has means.
05:17If her family is in any way royal, the answer is no.
05:21I'm done with that lot.
05:22Told the queen.
05:23The queen doesn't know she's here.
05:25Is it the princess?
05:27She showed up here about an hour ago demanding that I marry them before the palace finder on the press.
05:32Why is she marrying?
05:32Kevin Brodie?
05:34Kevin Brodie, the footballer.
05:36He's rubbish.
05:37He's fit, though.
05:39Just because a goldsmith educated princess wants to marry some neff winger does not mean that she needs an exorcist.
05:45No, just have a chat with her.
05:46You'll see.
05:47No, it's too risky with the royals.
05:48Look, look, if our chat goes wrong, I've got a dead princess on my hand, a demon on the loose, and no one to pay my fee.
05:55Jesus fuck.
05:58Is that her?
06:00Can we not smell the cell phone?
06:02Where is she?
06:09She's in my office, or are you going to need the ritual you're in one?
06:12I can't just barge in there, sprouting Latin at her.
06:14Is she from being restrained, or is that why she sounds like that?
06:17She sounds like that because she's been possessed by a fucking demon.
06:20Can we at least jog her first?
06:23Get her drunk, tie her up a little bit.
06:25She's British royalty.
06:26I love that shit.
06:28Any other ideas?
06:30Yeah.
06:33Take your top off.
06:39Do you, princess, take this...
06:42I do.
06:46Wait, babe, are you absolutely sure you want to do this?
06:48I said I do because I do, Kevin.
06:53No, I mean, are you sure you don't want a big royal wedding and a dysentery type wedding?
06:58With, like, the queen and photographers and stuff.
07:01I just want you.
07:05Let's get on with it, please.
07:06Do you, Kevin, take...
07:09Ow, yeah, yeah, I do.
07:11Then repeat after me.
07:13Dalokam darissime.
07:15Dalokam darissime.
07:16Dalokam impiissime.
07:19Dalokam impi...
07:19Sorry, I've been fasting.
07:27Just in case they were for token piss.
07:29You know what I'm saying?
07:32Doesn't matter.
07:33Keep going.
07:34Dalokam cristo.
07:36Dalokam cristo.
07:38Sorry, can we...
07:39Are you going to be sick, Kevin?
07:44Are you going to be sick during our wedding?
07:46Quittes vale aavet, qui regnum tuem destructit.
07:49Kevin.
07:53Quittes vale aavet.
07:56Advasat, we were deripulet.
07:58Rick.
08:12Rick.
08:19You're right about the demon, wrong about the host.
08:21Fucking hell.
08:22Get her out of here.
08:23Oh my God.
08:24Heaven.
08:24Come on, love.
08:26Come on.
08:27Visita.
08:28Quasumos domine.
08:30Habitacionem.
08:31Istam et omnes.
08:33You talk too much.
08:37Tell me your name and I'll stop.
08:38And why would I do that, when there are far more enjoyable ways to make you stop?
08:43His name is Agaleeth.
08:44I'm flattered you remember me, Lord Morpheus.
08:52After all your time away.
08:55Lord Morpheus?
08:56He is.
08:58Though I confess I almost didn't recognize you without your helm.
09:02I wonder where your helm could be.
09:04I presume it is in hell with the demon to whom it was traded.
09:08Yes, but which demon?
09:10Give me the princess and I'll tell you.
09:12Exi, ergo, Agaleeth.
09:15Wait.
09:16Fine, fine.
09:18I'll tell you where your helm is.
09:20Just don't send me back.
09:22Constantine.
09:23Stop.
09:25I command you.
09:26Visita quasumos domine.
09:28Give me the elders command you.
09:29Run along and fuck off back to hell.
09:39You have no idea what you have done.
09:42I do that.
09:47I've just tripled my fee.
09:52Oi, Rick.
09:54Who do I invoice for this?
09:55Church of England or Buckingham Palace?
10:00Is this a test?
10:01Are you testing me?
10:03No.
10:03You're usually so careful not to mention it.
10:07I assumed it was because my doctor's told you not to.
10:12So why now?
10:13What's happened?
10:16You stole from him.
10:18Nothing's happened.
10:19I just...
10:20Do you think I don't know when you're lying?
10:22Look, let's just say that I have it on good authority that the Ruby's owner is coming for it.
10:27And for the people who stole it from him.
10:31And he's coming for you.
10:32You're the one who stole it from him.
10:34And you're the one who stole it from me.
10:37You're the only one who knows where it is.
10:40He is coming, John.
10:41You've been saying that for years.
10:43Yes, but this time it...
10:44It's every time, every time you moved us to a new town and changed our last name.
10:50It wasn't because your boyfriend of the time was beating the shit out of us.
10:53It was because the fucking Sandman was coming.
10:55I was trying to protect you.
10:57From whom?
10:59The Sandman?
11:01Or from my father?
11:05I told you, John, your father died when you were a baby.
11:09Yes, and you've been saying that for years too, but then you lie about everything.
11:13You lie for a living.
11:14You're Ethel Cripps, you're Ethel Dee, you're Madden Doe Day.
11:16And apparently I'm a man called John Burgess.
11:24Who told you that?
11:29The one good thing about being imprisoned.
11:33You have plenty of time to read, and according to this, according to the history of ritual
11:42magic in England, the ruby once belonged to a rival of Alastair Crowley called Roderick
11:48Burgess.
11:50He also kept a mistress called Ethel Cripps.
11:56My father didn't die when I was a baby, did he?
11:59My father was Roderick Burgess.
12:01Your father was a cunt who wanted me to abort you.
12:07That may be the first honest thing you've ever said to me.
12:14You want me to give you the ruby, then you tell me everything.
12:20And this time you tell me the truth.
12:21Yeah, the Duke and Duchess are on their way to pick up the princess.
12:30Poor thing.
12:32She didn't seem possessed.
12:34She was.
12:36Love fucks you up.
12:39Your new man is not unfit.
12:44He's not my man.
12:46He's not even a man.
12:47What is he, then?
12:53He's endless.
12:54I said the Sandman, and I meant the Bleedin' Sandman.
13:08Skull to have you back, my lord.
13:11Don't let him mess you about.
13:15My gran used to tell me stories about you lot.
13:17I've known your family for centuries.
13:20Well, then you know there's not one of us who can be trusted.
13:27What do you want with me, then?
13:30Something of mine came into your possession.
13:33A leather pouch filled with sand.
13:36I need it back.
13:37Well, that was yours.
13:40What, an estate sale a while back?
13:42Didn't even manage to get the drawstrings open.
13:43Where is it?
13:44No idea.
13:46Could be anywhere.
13:47We must find it.
13:48Must we?
13:49Why is that?
13:50Because without it, my realm will cease to exist.
13:52And if dreams disappear, then so will humanity.
13:56No offense, but...
13:58I could do without dreams for a while.
14:01I've been at a decent unsleeping ages.
14:03Nor will you.
14:04Until we find the sand.
14:06We must go.
14:08Now.
14:09What does this approach generally work for you?
14:12You just turn up and what are people about?
14:14Yes.
14:18All right.
14:20I will hope you find your sand.
14:22Good.
14:22First thing tomorrow.
14:23No.
14:23And I work alone.
14:25Don't want you and your little friend following me all over London.
14:27My friend?
14:28And sent out your raven.
14:34My grand said dreamer, is it a raven?
14:37Not anymore.
14:37No.
14:38No.
14:38No.
14:38No.
14:44Who are you?
14:50Tell me your name.
14:53It's, uh, Matthew, sir.
14:58Matthew.
14:58I made it clear to Lucienne that I do not require a raven at this time.
15:04Yeah.
15:04She told me you'd say that.
15:05Ah.
15:06If I need assistance, I will post.
15:07You do, actually.
15:09Ah.
15:09She's getting away, sir.
15:11She...
15:12See, this is why you need a raven.
15:18Go back to the dreaming, Matthew.
15:24The only reason I stole the tools was because I thought they'd help us.
15:29Then your father's men came after us, so I hid the ruby and jaded the others.
15:41Look at this.
15:49The amulet of protection.
15:51It's what's kept me alive all these years.
15:56But it won't do the same for you.
15:59That's why I need the ruby, John.
16:03Even if I told you where it was, it wouldn't do any good.
16:06I've altered it.
16:09It only works for me now.
16:13If you don't believe me, you can try to use it and see what happens.
16:17John, I've no intention of using it.
16:19I want us to give it back to him.
16:23Maybe he'll forgive us.
16:25Maybe.
16:28But maybe we shouldn't give away a duel
16:31that makes dreams come true
16:33when we could use it to dream of a world without the Sandman.
16:40We could start again.
16:49I'm back.
16:56Yes.
16:58In spite of my telling you to leave.
17:00I can't.
17:02The boss lady told me...
17:03Lucienne is not your master.
17:06She told me you'd say that, too.
17:09Do you know who I am?
17:11Not entirely, but I...
17:14I don't even know who I am anymore.
17:16A couple hours ago, I apparently died in my sleep,
17:19and now I'm a bird.
17:21I used to have thumbs.
17:23Now I have these things.
17:25Yes.
17:26And you must use them to fly back to the dreaming.
17:30This world is not safe.
17:31You think I don't know that?
17:33I lived my whole life here.
17:35That's why Lucienne sent me to help you.
17:37My last raven came here to help me.
17:40Yeah?
17:41Where's he now?
17:44Her name was Jessamy.
17:47She died.
17:49Trying to help me.
17:53Ah, I'm sorry.
17:55Look, let me at least help you find this woman.
17:58If she's asleep, we've probably got five or six hours
18:01before she's on the move again.
18:03If she is asleep, then I know exactly where to find her.
18:29Why are you at your center?
18:31Fuck you!
18:32Fuck you!
18:33Let me at least go.
18:49Astra!
18:50Astra, go back!
18:51Now!
18:51Why are you at least in my room?
18:56Astra, now!
18:57This is my hand from the santa!
18:59Don't put talking to you!
19:01I'm gonna kill you!
19:02I'm gonna kill you, sir!
19:03I'll give you my hand, ma'am!
19:04I can't even kill you!
19:06Let's run!
19:07Let's go!
19:27Oh, for fuck's sake.
19:41How did you find me?
19:44You were dreaming.
19:47But it wasn't only a dream, was it?
19:50It's a memory.
19:52No wonder you do not sleep.
19:53Maybe I don't deserve to.
19:56Perhaps not.
19:57But I could make it go away.
20:02Only if I help you find your sand.
20:05Though finding anything in this place may require more magic than even you can muster.
20:16I'll look in the office.
20:19Try not to clean up when I'm gone.
20:21I'm coming with you.
20:23You have a gift for disappearing.
20:25All right.
20:29A bit of the mess in here offends you.
20:31Wait till you see my office.
20:32Why do humans love objects so much?
20:44Well, they do come in handy sometimes.
20:48You seem pretty attached to your sand.
20:51It's not just an object.
20:52It's a part of me.
20:54Well, if that's true, how do you happen to lose it?
20:55It was stolen by another magic user called Burgess.
21:01Well, not Roderick Burgess.
21:04The old demon king himself, eh?
21:06Everyone used to say he was a fake.
21:09Said he had the devil locked up in his face.
21:10Now, how the fuck did you...
21:11Shit.
21:26Wasn't the devil he had locked up in his basement, was it?
21:28Were you down there all this time?
21:45Is this you?
21:47Why?
21:49Do I look that different?
21:51Or younger?
21:53Well, I'm happy.
22:05Shit.
22:08I know where your sand is.
22:13I have missed you, mother.
22:17We were always very close, you and I.
22:20Especially when it was just the two of us.
22:22It never was.
22:23Just the two of us, was it?
22:24Well, when you were between boyfriends.
22:27No.
22:28I meant the ruby.
22:31Well, you only ever showed it to me on birthdays.
22:34You tell me to make a wish and a pony would appear in the garden
22:37or there'd be snow in July in my bedroom.
22:41I should never have done that.
22:44No, it was wonderful.
22:47I should never have stolen it from you.
22:50No, I should never have stolen it.
22:52You did what you had to do to keep us both alive.
22:57I understand that now.
23:00And I'm just glad I can return the favor.
23:03If you bring me the ruby.
23:14I don't think that's a good idea.
23:16I told you I fixed it.
23:18The only reason those people got hurt the last time was...
23:21People didn't get hurt, John.
23:23People died.
23:24You killed them.
23:25They were trying to take it from me.
23:27I was defending myself.
23:31And now I can use it to defend you.
23:34But I don't need defending.
23:37I've got this.
23:38It's you I'm trying to save.
23:40Is it?
23:41What can I do to make you believe me?
23:54Well, what are you doing?
23:56What I should have done a little bit about.
24:00Protecting my son.
24:01If I give you this, you won't need the ruby.
24:06Who is she?
24:12The woman in the picture.
24:15Her name's Rachel.
24:17Rachel Moody.
24:18Is she dealing magic as well?
24:20God, no.
24:22No, she's actually a decent person.
24:24Got the job.
24:25Nice family.
24:27Fucking hated all the magic stuff.
24:30And yet, you left the sand with her.
24:33No, I did not leave it with her.
24:34I sort of left it.
24:37And her.
24:43I was staying at her place for a few months.
24:45She interpreted that as I was living together,
24:47which we weren't, so...
24:49One night I just went on a job and...
24:51never went back.
24:52Why?
24:56Because it never ends well, does it?
24:59What?
25:02Love.
25:03No.
25:05I suppose it doesn't.
25:08Yeah, well, I don't know if you've noticed,
25:09but people around me tend to get ripped in half
25:11or cast down to hell.
25:14Safer for her if I left.
25:16Did you tell her that?
25:18No.
25:19I suppose I'll have to now.
25:21This is her.
25:23Or it used to be.
25:24It's been six months.
25:25Maybe she might move house.
25:27Please move house.
25:28Oh, bollocks.
25:35Maybe we'll get lucky and she won't be...
25:39That's weird.
25:40She didn't even ask who it is.
25:43Maybe she's expecting someone.
25:46This could get awkward.
25:47More.
25:48Awkward.
25:51Wait here.
25:52I'm coming with you.
25:52No, you're not.
25:54Do you have any idea how much she probably hates me right now?
25:57Do you have any ex-girlfriends?
26:01I will not wait long.
26:02No, you won't have to.
26:04She's going to slam the door in my face
26:05like I'm about to do with you.
26:08Right now.
26:09Al, you won't have to lie.
26:33Just get on with it.
26:51Oh, my God.
26:52Hiya, Rach.
26:56What are you doing here?
26:57I should have called.
26:58Sorry.
26:59Sorry.
27:00No.
27:03Hi.
27:07Hi.
27:13I had all of these, um, things planned, what I wanted to say.
27:17Go on, then.
27:19Don't let me stop you.
27:23You look well.
27:25You look well.
27:28Oh, right.
27:29Well, um, sorry to bother you.
27:31I left some things behind when we broke up and I was wondering if...
27:35Did we?
27:37Break up?
27:38Exactly?
27:39Yeah.
27:40Uh, no.
27:41Fair point.
27:42That was bad of me and wrong.
27:46I should have phoned or at least texted.
27:49Do you want to come in?
27:50Do you want to come in?
27:53And apologize properly?
27:57I say this as someone who was recently human.
27:59Human beings cannot be trusted.
28:02No.
28:03If I were Joanna Constantine, I'd be up there cutting a deal with Rachel to keep the sand and cut the dream sand with real sand and sell it to the highest bidder.
28:13But then I wasn't the best person when I was a person.
28:16Can't all be Jessamy, who was apparently perfect in every way.
28:20Matthew, I...
28:21No, I get that you don't think you need a raven, but if you're out here waiting for human beings to help anyone but themselves, you're gonna be sitting out here in the rain forever.
28:31Whatever they're doing up there, they're not thinking about you.
28:34Shall we, um, take this apology into the bedroom?
28:52It's going well, isn't it?
28:53It is.
28:54But you have a lot to apologize for.
29:05I know.
29:07When you left that night...
29:08Oh, Rach.
29:09When you left that night...
29:10Do we have to?
29:11And you didn't come home.
29:14I was terrified.
29:17I'm sorry.
29:19I called everyone.
29:20Chas and Renee.
29:21Rick the Vic.
29:24I even called your exes.
29:27You did not.
29:30Which ones?
29:32Sarah.
29:35Oliver.
29:36Oh, shit.
29:38And Kit Ryan.
29:43But they all told me to just get over you.
29:47Because you're a selfish, ruthless coward.
29:58Who ruins everything she touches.
30:04Rachel.
30:07Constantine.
30:08Wake up.
30:10Wake up.
30:19What did you do to me?
30:22It was the sound.
30:26Where's Rachel?
30:27Rachel?
30:28Rachel?
30:29Jo?
30:30Jo?
30:31Jo?
30:32Is that you?
30:34I've had such a wonderful dream.
30:35What?
30:36What?
30:37Rachel?
30:38Jo?
30:40Jo?
30:41Is that you?
30:42I've had such a wonderful dream.
30:48Oh.
30:50What's happened to her?
31:05It was not meant for humans.
31:09No, no, no.
31:10Please.
31:11Please.
31:13It hurts.
31:17We can go.
31:19What?
31:20We can't go.
31:23We can't leave her like this.
31:26We can't help her.
31:28The sand was the only thing keeping her alive.
31:33You have to do something.
31:36If it wasn't for your sand, she wouldn't be like this.
31:39I'm not the one who left her with it.
31:42What is wrong with you?
31:45Well, you want your sand back so that you can save all of humanity.
31:48Well, here she is.
31:49That we're all just Roderick Burgess to you.
31:55All you care about is your sand.
31:57Your power.
32:01What's the point of you?
32:03Why are you still here if you want help?
32:12Why are you still here if you want help?
32:12Why don't you go outside?
32:28Why don't you go outside?
32:30Why don't you go outside?
32:40Rage.
32:43I'm sorry Jo.
32:46I'm so sorry.
32:50It's my fault.
32:53All of it.
32:56I should never have lived it with you.
33:01I should never have lived.
33:04You came back then.
33:06Didn't you?
33:30I should never have lived.
33:32I would never have lived it with you.
33:34I should never had lived up here.
33:35I should never Ilsukovina.
33:36I should never have lived.
33:37I should never have lived there.
34:39What happens to people who get on the wrong side of you and that thing?
34:41I am trying to save you, not hurt you.
34:44Here.
34:46This kept me alive for 116 years so far.
34:51I hope it keeps you alive forever.
34:55It's all a mother wants, really.
34:58Take it.
34:58One last thing.
35:16I'm sorry.
35:28I was such a shit mom.
35:30No.
35:36No.
35:37Mother.
35:40Take it back.
35:43It's too late now, love.
35:45No.
35:48God!
35:50Mother.
35:51You don't need the ruby.
35:57No one gonna hurt you now.
36:06What did you do to her?
36:07Nothing.
36:08I didn't know anything.
36:09I need you to step away from her.
36:13Okay?
36:15You don't want to point that gun at me, I promise you.
36:19Security requesting backup.
36:20Why don't you just let me go, for your own sake.
36:30I'm warning you, John.
36:32I will shoot.
36:34You'll only be hurting yourself.
36:35I'm sorry.
36:38I'm sorry.
37:05I'm sorry.
37:17Three.
37:18Come on right there.
37:19Don't move.
37:25Don't you fucking move.
37:27I don't know.
37:57It's too cold for you to be out here without a coat.
38:04Well, that's very kind of you, but please.
38:07I insist.
38:12What about you?
38:14No, I don't mind the cold.
38:16There.
38:17Much better.
38:21May I return it to you when I get to where I'm good?
38:26Well, the only thing that matters to me is that you get to where you're going.
38:42She died in peace, in her sleep.
39:12I let her dad know.
39:22You know, she was actually a good person.
39:24There are a few of them out there, you know?
39:28They're not all like me and Roderick Burgess.
39:32You're not Roderick Burgess.
39:34And what's your friend's name?
39:53His name is Matthew, but he is not Matthew.
40:00Look after him, Matthew.
40:03He needs it.
40:12Constantine, that nightmare won't trouble you anymore.
40:27That was nice, what you did up there.
40:30Don't ever spy on me again.
40:32I wasn't spying.
40:33If I were spying on you, you'd never know it.
40:37So what's our next move?
40:40I'm going in search of my helm.
40:42And you are going for the dreaming.
40:45Or, hear me out, you could take me with you,
40:48and never have to have this conversation ever again.
40:53That does sound tempting.
41:00In fact, where I am going, I may have need of you.
41:05Yeah?
41:06Where are we going?
41:09Hell.
41:11Hell?
41:12As in hell?
41:13Hell?
41:14Or were you being metaphorical?
41:16Because either way, we should probably check in with Lucien first, right?
41:19See how she's feeling about it?
41:21I'm going to go out on a limb, which is something for her dad to be doing,
41:24and say she will not be in favor of hell-going.
41:27But I don't get a sense if you're listening, so fuck it.
41:31Let's go to hell.

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