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00:00From Hollywood, almost live, it's the Gong Show!
00:11And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is your host in the start of our show, the inconstituous, Mr. Chuck Berris!
00:30Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Gong Show.
00:42We have a lot of bizarre stuff backstage, way to get on Tee Wee, coast to coast.
00:49So let's roll.
00:50Our first act was always determined to be to climb the ladder of success.
00:54He's still not successful, but you should see him climb ladders.
00:57Here is, here is Tom Phillips!
01:06Goodbye, Broadway! Hello, France! We're ten million strong!
01:12If we can fight like we can love, well then it's goodnight, Germany!
01:19Mid the war's great curse stands the Red Cross nurse.
01:25She's the rose of no man's land.
01:29Keep your head down, fritzy boy, when you're fixing your barbed wire.
01:37Late last night in the pale moonlight, I saw ya, I saw ya.
01:44I'd like to see the Kaiser with a lily in his hand.
01:53We don't want the bacon, we don't want the bacon.
01:57What we want is a piece of the rind.
02:00We'll just fill the Kaiser.
02:02Stay up good place.
02:10No, no, no.
02:11No, that, why did you gang gong as poor man?
02:15I didn't think the choice of songs was particularly good with me on the pen.
02:19Thank you very much, Tom.
02:23Good to see you.
02:24We'll be back.
02:26We're stuck right after this message.
02:39All right, listen, we got a little letter here I thought I'd like to read to you.
02:43This is from Worthington, Indiana.
02:45Yes, sir, and it's from a little lady named Rose.
02:48And she says, dear Chuck, would you do something from an old maid like me?
02:52Would you have the panel gang gong me?
02:54All my life I wanted to be gang gong, get my last chance.
02:57Well, Rose, I don't know about that.
03:00In fact, I don't know about that letter.
03:01Why don't we try this whole thing all over again?
03:04No, no.
03:05Now, let's meet our celebrities.
03:07When our first guest was going to school, he was known as a soft green kid
03:10because he was dating girls from 7-Up.
03:14Welcome to Wild and Wooly, Artie Johnson.
03:18Here's the Rose.
03:22Please welcome now a very outspoken lady
03:24who's gotten where she is today by eating tongue sandwiches,
03:28the wonderful J.P. Morgan.
03:33How did you know we were going to do that?
03:35All right, a lot of people aren't aware of this,
03:37but Steve Garvey is known to be a real practical joker.
03:40Just to make the gong show interesting, the game...
03:43Just to make...
03:44Oh, I messed it up again.
03:46Just to make the game interesting,
03:48he once replaced the catcher's jock with a rubber band
03:51from the Los Angeles Dodgers, Steve Garvey.
03:54Let's have a ball today.
03:56Yeah.
03:58Jesus, I am so bad.
03:59Our next performer said she was born in a small cabin in Texas.
04:04Unfortunately, her mother wasn't there at the time.
04:07It was her mother's bowling night.
04:09Let's welcome, however...
04:11Oh, she is nice.
04:13Joyce Black.
04:14Have you guys noticed how nobody laughs anymore?
04:23Somebody asked me the other day, they said,
04:25Joyce, why is it every time I see you, I see your teeth first?
04:28I say, honey, if the good Lord hadn't intended for you to see my teeth,
04:31you'd have put them on my hips instead of treating my lips.
04:33And I was very serious because I don't...
04:36Listen, I don't worry about nothing and I don't frown.
04:38But now I got this girlfriend, Barbara,
04:39and she worries about everything under the sun, the moon, and the stars.
04:42Came up to my house the other night screaming like a wild Indian.
04:45I said, what is wrong with you, girl?
04:50Oh, Joyce, I have to write to dear Abby.
04:54The flame between Jim and me is dying.
04:57I said, what?
04:59Jim used to bring home a tooth.
05:01Now he's bringing home a ripple.
05:03I said, oh, fool, that ain't no way to tell whether the flame is dying.
05:06Come here, sit down.
05:07Let me tell you something about the facts of life, Barbara.
05:09I said, let me tell you something, honey.
05:12It's Jim.
05:13I said, is he still coming into the bedroom the way he used to
05:15when you first got married with his chest sticking out
05:18and his stomach sucked in?
05:19He said, yes.
05:20I said, when he starts coming into the bedroom,
05:23digging in his nose and picking in his ear,
05:25gets into the bed, turns over and faces the opposite wall,
05:28the next sound you hear is,
05:31then you know the flame is dead.
05:34Because in romance, where there is gas, there can't be no flame.
05:43Oh, Joycey, you do have a way with words.
05:48Artie Johnson, what do you think of Joyce Black?
05:51I, I, she described a marvelous marriage.
05:54Oh, eight, eight.
05:56J.P. Morgan.
05:59B.S. Pulley wrote her act, right?
06:02All right, nine, Steve Garvey.
06:07She was too much.
06:09A two, two.
06:11That gives you 19 of thanks, Joyce.
06:14It's a pleasure to have you on the show.
06:15It's really nice.
06:19I must be really in bad shape, because I think that's funny.
06:22Next up, we have three girls who wear synthetic wigs,
06:25padded bras, false eyelashes, and fake nails.
06:28They're going to come out here and sing about finding a real man.
06:31I reluctantly give you, oh, I do like them.
06:34They are good.
06:35Blondie and the backup.
06:42It costs me a lot,
06:45but there's one thing that I've got,
06:48it's my man.
06:51La, la, la, la.
06:53Cold and wet, tired, you bet,
06:56But all that I soon forget with my man.
07:02La, la, la, la.
07:05Oh, my man.
07:08I love him so.
07:10He'll never know.
07:12Oh, my life is just despair.
07:15But I don't care.
07:17When he takes me in his arms,
07:24The world is bright.
07:28All right.
07:31All right.
07:35What's the difference if I say,
07:39I'll go away.
07:42I know I'll come back on my knees someday.
07:48Mammy!
07:49For whatever my man is,
07:53I am he is forever.
08:01Oh, my life is forever.
08:11You ain't.
08:11That was good stuff.
08:13Blondie and the backup from Coast to Coast TV.
08:16J.P. Morgan, what do you think?
08:17We'll get him off.
08:18Oh.
08:19Seven.
08:19You're the funny little lady.
08:21P. Garvey.
08:23They'd be lucky to go any farther,
08:25but I'll give them a seven.
08:25Oh, seven.
08:26That's a nice score.
08:27Artie Johnson.
08:28I think what they did was very, very clever, and I give them a seven.
08:31What do you know?
08:32That's right, and that's 21 points, and I think that's good.
08:36Thank you for being on the show.
08:39We'll be back with incredible stuff right after this message.
08:54Welcome back.
08:55Welcome back to Old Donker.
08:56This is Mark Carmel.
08:57He's been working on our crew since we began, and you're going away, and I think that we
09:03just want him to say goodbye out here with us.
09:04I really love this next act, but then again, I really love Cream of Mushroom Soup.
09:09Let's welcome.
09:09Wait a minute.
09:10That's Cream of Washroom Soup.
09:13I messed it up again.
09:15Ladies and gentlemen, you ready, Mark?
09:16I'm ready.
09:17Here comes Lardo the Clown.
09:19I'm ready.
09:20I'm ready.
09:37He's here.
09:38I'm ready.
09:39Oh, my God.
10:09I don't know, Lardo, why they did that.
10:16I guess it's just not a place for a pleasingly plump little clown.
10:19I'm a fat kid.
10:20That's the way they do it.
10:22No, you are not.
10:23You're cute as a devil.
10:26Artie, you just gave me a bruise with your rhinestone.
10:28Artie, why did you do that?
10:30Because she gives bruises with her rhinestone.
10:33What the heck, Lardo?
10:34Thanks a lot, Lardo.
10:35Get your stuff out there.
10:36Well, Lardo, Lardo, Lardo, Lardo, getting a little mononutriosis right here.
10:45Yes, I wouldn't be surprised to see this next act make it to the top.
10:49Then again, I wouldn't be surprised to see this next act molesting a pigeon with a helicopter.
10:55All right.
10:56Ladies and...
10:57I did it.
10:59Betty and Eddie, sensational sound effects.
11:06That was Fawcett running.
11:18Now, screams, groans, sounds of terror.
11:23Oh, no.
11:24Don't go near there.
11:26No, no, no.
11:27No.
11:31People of Earth.
11:33People of Earth.
11:34Your world must end.
11:35Jack!
11:36Help, Jack!
11:38Don't!
11:39Don't!
11:39Let's stretch him, Igor.
11:42The rack.
11:43Summer outings and gaiety.
11:46Ha, ha, ha!
11:47Oh, boy!
11:48Yippee!
11:49Ha, ha, ha!
11:52Honey, kids, come on, let's go!
11:54I can eat two wieners.
11:56Pass the chips.
11:58Pass the chips and cola, please.
12:00Mmm.
12:03Mom better hit me in the face.
12:05I did not!
12:06You did, too.
12:07Did not!
12:08Dog endearments.
12:10Here, Duke.
12:12Skipper!
12:14Fishhead, what did you do?
12:15Get down!
12:17Duke, you're a good boy.
12:19And now, a little hokey pokey.
12:22A one, two...
12:23You put your whole self in, you put your whole self out.
12:26You put your whole self in, and we shake it all about.
12:30Do the hokey pokey, and we turn yourself about.
12:33That's what it's all about.
12:37Yeah!
12:38Oh, that is good stuff.
12:50Come up here.
12:51That's the sound effect machine, Steve.
12:55Steve Garvey, old fella.
12:56I give him a ten on the scale.
12:58Oh, yeah, a ten.
13:00Yeah!
13:01Artie Johnson.
13:02Chuck, what are their names?
13:04Betty and Eddie, the sound effects sensation.
13:06Betty and Eddie.
13:07Well, we're going to hear from them a great many times.
13:09I give them a ten.
13:10Betty and Eddie.
13:12Another ten.
13:13And that gives you 30 points.
13:15And that's as good as you get from the old rock show.
13:18Thanks, Paul.
13:19Five, Paul.
13:20Oh!
13:20I'd like to thank Ed Howell and the NBC crew for giving me this nice plaque.
13:30I never got a plaque before.
13:32It's really nice.
13:34Right now, we have a lady who's going to play her marimba.
13:37Yes, thanks.
13:38For those of you who don't know what a marimba stands for,
13:41it's an old Spanish proverb meaning, hey, sailor.
13:44Want to buy some high-caloric enemies cheap?
13:47Let's bring her on with a blazing saddle.
13:49Ladies and gentlemen, oh, I do like this girl,
13:53Kareem Carroll.
15:07I'd like to be standing where you are.
15:34I give her a nine. She's wonderful.
15:35A nine. All right.
15:37I'd like to be sitting where you are.
15:44Another nine. All right.
15:46She's got you.
15:47And she wasn't even 10 or 12 notes off key, so I gave her a 10.
15:52And you have 28 points.
15:55See you later, please.
15:57All right.
15:59All right, ladies and gentlemen.
16:07Ladies and gentlemen, the singer you're about to meet has toured through Europe, and has
16:12even had the distinction of appearing on TV in Germany on that popular series, welcome
16:17back, Adolf.
16:17All the way, all the way from Houston, Texas.
16:23It's, oh, this girl can sing.
16:26Are you ready, Harriet?
16:28Hot dog.
16:29Ladies and gentlemen, on TV, Harriet McClendon.
16:34On a clear day, rise and look around you, and you'll see just who you are.
16:50On a clear day, how it will answer on you, and the glow of your feet, outshines and results.
17:02Do you see upon us, every mountain's in show?
17:09You can hear from fire near, but Bonnie never heard before, and on that clear, clear day.
17:17On a clear day, you can see forever, you can see forever, you can see evermore.
17:32Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
17:48JP Morgan, what do you think of Harriet?
17:51A 20.
17:52You can only go as high as 10.
17:54A 10.
17:55All right.
17:57Stephen Garvey?
17:58I like the orange and blonde.
18:00I'd love that.
18:00Another 10.
18:02Arty Johnson.
18:04All right, man.
18:06That gives you 30 points, Harry McClendon.
18:08It was a pleasure to have you on the show.
18:10You do. Watch me step down here now.
18:12Don't you fall down.
18:14All right. Hey, we'll be back
18:16with more stuff right after this.
18:18All right, we have a tie.
18:20We have a tie
18:22between Harriet McClendon over here
18:24and the Sensational Sound Group over here.
18:26Our celebrities decided, and they said
18:28the winner is the Sensational Sound Group.
18:32Here's your trophy.
18:38And here's your check
18:40for $516.32.
18:42Big one. Thank you, Harriet.
18:44Thank you all. You were great.
18:46Oh, by the way,
18:48today is the day we picked the worst act of the week.
18:50And if you can remember,
18:52the worst act appeared Wednesday
18:54and it was this act.
19:02That office is nominated by our staff,
19:06selected by the celebrities,
19:08and here they are, Tondaleo and Lovely.
19:10Here's your dirty socks,
19:12and here's your check for $516.32.
19:24Thank you all.
19:26And now, thank you all,
19:28Milton DeLogue and the Mail of the Cards,
19:30Marty Johnson,
19:32J.P. Morgan,
19:33and Steve Harvey
19:34for being with us all week.
19:36You are terrific.
19:38T.D.
19:39This day said bye-bye.
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