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Episode name - Size Matters
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00:00I
00:16Yo, Goodson
00:21Investigator Goodson captain Steven Burke Columbia metro
00:26Long night, huh?
00:30I just been burning the oil
00:34Yeah
00:37Help you with something? Yeah, I have a meeting with commander Englehart this morning
00:42Who has a guy got a blower to get a cup of coffee around here, huh?
00:53I'm a captain. All right. Thank you so much
01:00Yeah
01:02Just appreciate the wake-up by the way
01:05Got a long drive ahead of me
01:07Drive, huh?
01:10Yeah
01:12I got this arson investigator conference out in Leighton little escape from the everyday
01:18Escape?
01:20From two arsonists burning your jurisdiction to the fucking ground?
01:29How about Calderon she'd be joining you
01:33No
01:37No
01:38No
01:38Great
01:40Well, I mean, if someone's working
01:43Yeah
01:44Captain Burke
01:47We have a meeting in the books?
01:49No, I, uh
01:51I was in the neighborhood
01:53So
01:54Come on down to my office
01:58All right
01:59Oh, you wanna
02:01Want to take this coffee to go, Captain?
02:04I never touch the stuff
02:05So you and Goodson go back a ways, huh?
02:16We do
02:16Yeah
02:17Oh
02:18Wow
02:19That's nice
02:22Beautiful
02:23And so, uh
02:27If he's not getting results
02:29How far are you willing to back him?
02:31Well, your girl Calderon's right in there with him, so
02:36She is, yeah
02:37Except Calderon's a fucking hero
02:39So
02:40Yeah
02:41I will back her all day
02:44Mm-hmm
02:44Oh, this is nice, Harvey
02:46It's beautiful
02:48How long did it take you to build all this?
02:51A lifetime
02:52I would imagine
02:53Well, it could all be taken away in seconds
02:56If you back the wrong filly
02:58You care against attack dog, right?
03:03Oh, no
03:04Among other things?
03:06Nah, no
03:06I'm just a, uh
03:08A loyal soldier
03:10To the department
03:13Is that what they call bag men these days?
03:17Ha, ha, ha, ha
03:18You know what I heard about you, Harvey?
03:22I can give less of a fuck
03:24You have a good day
03:25Jane?
03:30Okay
03:30Why don't you go ahead and give me those acquisition reports on House 7, please
03:35Yeah
03:38Thank you
03:42I call it a triangle
03:52Because we all need to try
03:55A little harder
03:56To make our customers feel like them
03:58That's why I'll stress
03:59Cleanliness
04:00Politeness
04:01Appearance
04:02Those things matter most
04:04You must be
04:08Mr. Fasano
04:09Can I
04:10Call you Freddy?
04:12I'm Dev
04:13Freddy
04:13Your new manager
04:14I didn't get the job
04:16I was just talking to these folks about the importance
04:20Of appearance
04:21How do you feel about a hat?
04:28No
04:28It itches
04:30Well, let's give it a day and see how we feel tomorrow
04:36Hey
04:46You got a pen?
04:48Yeah, why?
04:49Goodson's old partner, Ezra Esposito's annuity checks are sent to 1175 North Garnett, slot 65 in Corrales
04:58Slot?
04:59That's what it says
05:01Huh
05:02Thanks, Captain
05:05Yesterday was Steven
05:07I wouldn't read too much into it
05:10I gotta run
05:13Don't shoot anyone in the dick
05:29Hey, kid
05:32You good?
05:35What's up?
05:36Is Dave in there?
05:37No, why would Dave be in there?
05:39Because you're fucking him
05:40You're in his book
05:44Okay, how do you know it's me?
05:48You're graphically described
05:49Oh, fuck no
05:51What? So you're not sleeping with him?
05:54No
05:55Abso-fucking-lutely not
05:57I hate this place
06:01Look, you want to talk to me about not fitting in or anything?
06:08Hit me up
06:09You'll be okay
06:10You'll have to get a copy of Dave's book
06:13I can airdrop it to you
06:17Oh, come on
06:19Oh, come on
07:31I'll give up on you, babe.
10:06Until she blossomed both as a fire investigator and as a sexual being
10:36Hello, Ezra
10:44What are you looking at?
11:06Hello, Ezra
11:16Hello, Ezra
11:32Hello, Ezra
11:40Hello, Ezra
11:42Hello, Ezra
11:52Motherfucker
11:56Hello, Ezra
12:06Hello, Ezra
12:16Hello, Ezra
12:26Let's go
12:28Let's go
12:34Professor
12:36What are we celebrating?
12:38I just got engaged
12:40Hey, what are we celebrating?
12:42That's great
12:44Congratulations, Jack. We're happy for you
12:46Thank you, Dave. Thank you
12:48Wow
12:50It's up with Cebulski and his crew, huh?
12:53Posse
12:54Not a crew
12:55He's a posse
12:56Yeah, groups like one of three
12:58They're gonna patrol the whole town, make sure we don't have a repeat of last year
13:01Oh, those fired us when we had the convention
13:03Yeah, I remember, but we're not in Frank Kong
13:05But what if it was one of us?
13:07He was one of us
13:09You don't really believe that, do you?
13:11I don't know
13:12What if he was?
13:13Then he was laughing at us
13:15So they're gonna catch him in the act?
13:19Cebulski and his IQ of 95?
13:21Yeah, that's the plan
13:25No one wants to be fucking humiliated again
13:27You're fucking humiliated again
13:45It's open
13:53You've got a magnetic smile
13:55You're drunk
13:57Who isn't?
14:01So what are you?
14:03Firefighter
14:07Police officer
14:10Off-duty bartender
14:18Arson investigator
14:21And you?
14:23Insurance adjuster
14:26So?
14:28So
14:30How long are we gonna keep doing this?
14:31Doing what?
14:33Going back and forth until
14:35You mention your wife
14:37Or I mention my husband
14:39I was thinking another 30 seconds
14:43Buy you a drink?
14:46Why?
14:48Because this could be the start of a long friendship
14:50Built on mutual respect
14:55I got enough friends
14:56How about we're just
15:01Two strangers
15:03Who happen to sit next to each other
15:05At a shitty karaoke bar
15:07And what do these strangers talk about?
15:12Anything
15:14Right?
15:15Right?
15:16Yeah
15:18And then
15:19Then go back to their second lives
15:23Zero repercussions
15:25Hmm
15:27Uh, we're closing out
15:28You coming?
15:29Yeah
15:31I gotta go
15:32Okay
15:33You alright?
15:34I'm Reba
15:38I'm Reba
15:41I'm Dave
15:43Okay
15:44Uh
15:45I don't know
15:46You're lying
15:47I don't know
15:49I'm hungry
15:51What do you do?
15:52I'm hungry
15:55I'm hungry
15:56Oh, fuck off.
15:58Max didn't need a prick.
16:12Hey!
16:14Ah, don't be ashamed.
16:17People blow tails all the time.
16:20What, you private?
16:23Ah, fuck.
16:25Fuck. Shit.
16:30Does it have anything to do with a motherfucker named Dave Goodson by any chance?
16:35Why would you say that?
16:42Oh, you're me.
16:44I mean, you're not fucking me.
16:46I mean, you're definitely not fucking me.
16:48I mean, but things could change. You never know, right?
16:51Hope springs eternal.
16:53But, uh, you're the metro cop assigned to the Umberlin arson investigator, right?
16:58Shit. That used to be my job.
17:01They got open container laws around here, I presume.
17:03Oh, yeah, they got all kinds of laws around here.
17:06Hey, why don't you just hop on over here.
17:09I got a bag of vodka nips when I was dating this hot little flight attendant.
17:16But don't worry, we weren't an exclusive right there.
17:19Mr. Esposito.
17:20Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
17:23Ezra.
17:24Or Espo.
17:25Or sometimes, under the right circumstances, Ezz.
17:29I came to ask you about your partner. I might stay to deal with your goddamn criminal activity.
17:34Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One thing at a time, honey, okay? All right? So what do you want to know about Dave?
17:41What's your opinion of him?
17:43Well, you know, I usually pride myself. I'm refraining from profanity around the ladies.
17:53Mm.
17:54But not with this odd fucking anal abscess of a human being who should have his eyes plucked out and his balls cut off and toss in a punch bowl full of chlamydia.
18:07Oh, okay. Um, it's a lot to process.
18:12And if he's talking smack about me, I'm telling you, he's gonna get got.
18:16Turn your car off.
18:17I have visual evidence of you participating in a revenge porn scheme. Turn your goddamn car off.
18:23You're confusing an artist here with a pervert, okay? Not an uncommon mistake made by the small-minded, though.
18:30I assure you I'm not, but what's this? Love God Studios, Inc.?
18:36That's right, that's right. If you want exquisite, high-quality digital video of yourself having carnal relations with superior lighting and precise yet tasteful angles,
18:46Ezra Sposito's you got. Am I expensive?
18:50Oh, you bet your ass. Am I worth it damn straight? But no text, please.
18:55You do realize that the, uh, revenge porn and voyeurism laws are getting pretty intense nowadays.
19:02First off, you don't have a warrant. Secondly, this ain't your jurisdiction. And lastly, it wasn't revenge porn, okay? The man's giving it to his wife for Christmas.
19:13Okay, all right. And have you, have you shopped for your special someone this year already?
19:18Tell me, why you hate this man so much?
19:22Because he got me fired, that's why. For no goddamn reason except spite. And I like my job.
19:31You literally shot yourself in the foot. No, no, I was literally set up.
19:35Why would he set you up?
19:37Because I know he's an arsonist. That's why. And you know it too.
19:45How can I get you? Um, how you doing? Good.
19:50What can I get you? Um, how you doing? Good. What can I get you?
20:17Uh, French toast sticks and, uh, some Cajun tarts.
20:22Anything else? A cup of coffee.
20:25Coffee.
20:27All right, that'll be $16.95. Cash or card?
20:30Card, honey. Can swipe when you're ready.
20:39Do you need a receipt?
20:40Not maybe, I don't know. No, receipt.
20:43What do you like most about the job?
20:45Right? That's right.
20:47Why do you want to be a manager?
20:49Manager.
20:50I'm telling you, he changed the trigger. He changed the trigger.
20:56He changed out my trigger because the pull was always six pounds the way I like it. And then when I measured after, it was less than three.
21:17Yeah, but you never place your finger on the trigger until you've acquired the target, man. That's the most basic fucking rule.
21:24Somebody once told you that scolding was an attractive quality?
21:28Because...
21:29All right, why do you think he's an arsonist? Let's start there.
21:33Hmm?
21:34Right place, right time, too many times.
21:40A car comes in, guess who's already in the neighborhood.
21:46Scenes burnt to a mother-loving crisp, guess who sniffs out the point of origin.
21:52So...
21:54Good at his job.
21:56Good at his job?
21:59I witnessed that douchebag find an inch-long incendiary device that started a brush fire not once, not twice, but 17 motherfucking times.
22:10Okay, but...
22:11That's not a guy who's good at finding shit.
22:13Yeah.
22:14That's a guy who put the shit there in the first fucking place.
22:16But you are not proving it, Ezra.
22:18All right, if you got better, do tell. I'm all ears, come on.
22:25This motherfucker's writing a book.
22:28Fucking skews me?
22:30It's about an arson investigator hunting down an arsonist, clearly based on fires that Dave has worked.
22:38Or set.
22:39That part.
22:40But then, of course, you can always claim it's just fiction.
22:44Yep.
22:45So as of now, all we got is supposition.
22:49Yeah.
22:51You know how much judges love that shit.
22:56The point is you plan.
22:58You organize.
22:59You try to control your environment.
23:02That says there is no control.
23:07You cannot contain that with a schedule or a PowerPoint presentation.
23:13That says you're ordered.
23:15Meet my chaos and my chaos wins.
23:19Unless your plan is better than chaos.
23:24Please look under your seats.
23:25It is essential to always have a plan.
23:37And yet, no plan beats chaos.
23:43Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
23:50Saw you drop a device in there when you thought no one was looking.
23:53Did you turn off the overheads before your little stunt?
23:55Those fires were under control.
23:57I thought there was no control.
23:59I thought chaos wins.
24:01What I am trying to do as preamble is define fire.
24:09Fire is the release of heat and light due to oxidation during combustion.
24:16There.
24:17It's defined.
24:18Now, do you have any data or practical techniques to discuss?
24:21Oh.
24:23Because you're not so much telling us things as conflating fire,
24:27which is an impersonal elemental force with the monster in a child's closet.
24:31Yeah, that's your opinion.
24:34Maybe if you'd use science, not forensic files' psychobabble,
24:37you'd have some leads on the guys torching your jurisdiction over the past two years.
24:41I...
24:44Well, I personally, peer-to-peer review and communication
24:52are two of the main reasons why I offer this presentation.
24:59Or maybe because you like the sound of your own voice.
25:10Dave's still charming.
25:15Not sure I didn't go that far, but...
25:17He's likable somehow.
25:19Likeable.
25:21Oh, that phony prick gave me eyes.
25:26Careful, don't let him in your head.
25:30Ah, please.
25:31The world's full of Dave's.
25:33These mediocre nothings who fill their older spoils
25:37because they're born male and pale.
25:41And once things don't work out for Baby,
25:43Baby tries to burn the whole goddamn world down.
25:47That's not the kind of guy that gets in my head.
25:51Well, you're taking them too lightly.
25:54Not at all.
25:56His goddamn tantrums hurt people.
26:02Those aren't tantrums.
26:04You know what I mean.
26:07You don't know, Dave.
26:08Hey, uh, can I get three shots of Corp with my sister?
26:18Back to back?
26:20She's, uh, she's driving.
26:25Hey, by the way, you got any blow on you?
26:28Oh, man, I'm a cop.
26:29Yeah, so was I.
26:30It's a job, not a moral rebirth.
26:32Relax.
26:35Whole town's bone dry.
26:39God, I miss having access to an evidence room.
26:46You missed my presentation.
26:48Mm.
26:49Burn patterns went long.
26:51And I had to take a call.
26:56Work a person.
26:59What do you think?
27:04Did he make you happy?
27:09I love him.
27:12It works.
27:14We work.
27:19You're not...
27:21happy.
27:24Is anyone.
27:26Sure.
27:29Kids.
27:32Dogs.
27:34They could go on.
27:37Can't be happy all the time.
27:40Maybe.
27:44The best you can be.
27:47Is content.
27:51What does that even mean?
27:54Just.
27:55Fine.
27:57All of the time.
28:00Do you believe that?
28:03Some people do.
28:05These people.
28:09They wake up in the morning, they brush their teeth.
28:14Take a shower and sub by water pressure and they feel...
28:19Fine.
28:21Uh-huh.
28:25Around noon they eat a soggy turkey wrap and talk to their co-worker about...
28:30All-inclusive vacations they'll never go on and they feel fine about that too.
28:34That's right.
28:38And they go home.
28:42I bet that's where it starts to get really interesting.
28:45Mm-hmm.
28:47Clearance rack of loungewear.
28:51Low calorie meal.
28:53No microwave.
28:55And then they look in the mirror.
28:59Yeah.
29:01They think to themselves, this is fine.
29:06I'm just fine.
29:10And it goes on like that all day.
29:13Every day.
29:15Just one long dial down until the day they die.
29:19They die.
29:24So...
29:27If it's all fine...
29:31What is the difference between being alive...
29:37And being dead?
29:42Nothing.
29:50Nothing.
29:54Some people...
29:56They like consistency.
30:02You...
30:04Are not...
30:07Some people.
30:19It's all fine.
30:23I...
30:38Where's your...
30:40Current one?
30:46No more.
30:47for me no so you think you know your partner huh well let me show you
30:58something because this was after working together for a year told me it was an
31:03initiation I can't watch that shit again for sure yeah for sure come on live the
31:12dream and watch the world burn
31:18yeah watch that world burn
31:26oh shit
31:33the fuck
31:35hey you said it was empty
31:39damn it
31:42god damn fuck
31:45oh shit
31:48oh shit
31:52oh fuck
31:54what the fuck
31:58hey
32:00you sick fuck
32:02what the fuck did you do man
32:04what the fuck is wrong with you
32:07Dave told me the place was a bank repo that had been abandoned for months
32:13yeah but he knew
32:16oh yeah
32:18he knew
32:20he knew all along
32:22oh
32:43oh no
32:47All right.
33:17All right.
33:47All right.
33:54This isn't happening.
34:10All right.
34:11Just keep going.
34:12Come on.
34:13Huh?
34:14Let's go over to the bed.
34:17Why?
34:18I got a pill down in my room.
34:20I got a pill down in my room.
34:21Five years of marriage, Dave.
34:23Never needed a pill for me.
34:26It's not you.
34:27It's not you.
34:28It's not you.
34:29It's not you.
34:30It's not you.
34:31It's not you.
34:32I got a pill down in my room.
34:34Five years of marriage, Dave.
34:36Never needed a pill for me.
34:38It's not you.
34:39It's not you.
34:40Role play.
34:41Maybe, but never...
34:42Never a pill.
34:43I just got distracted.
34:44By what?
34:50It was my presentation.
34:57Some bitch interrupted it.
35:01She embarrassed you.
35:11I thought you weren't there.
35:16I lied.
35:18I didn't want to ruin our night.
35:23I wasn't embarrassed.
35:29Why don't you just admit that she got under your skin?
35:39She did.
35:40Because you're just an old-school guy with zero insecurities.
35:44How the hell is this my fault?
35:48Because your ego, it is so fragile that your dick,
35:51it goes off from the memory of a disagreement with a woman.
35:56There she is.
35:59There's my ex-wife.
36:03Why don't you play the hits, huh?
36:06Next up from Reba Daniels is Raging Narcissist.
36:11This isn't fun for me anymore.
36:16No?
36:17No.
36:18You should try chasing around a middle-aged woman and pretend she still looks 25.
36:22You're so small.
36:31Don't be here when I get out.
36:39Don't be here when I get out.
36:46If you are trying to do this for a moment trouble.
36:48I can't be right behind you.
36:49I better know all of you, man.
36:50I can't see her.
36:51No?
36:52You can be wrong.
36:53If you are doing the same thing you want to do,
36:54I can't be wrong.
36:55No.
36:56No.
36:57I can't be wrong.
36:58No.
36:59No.
37:00I can't be wrong with you.
37:01I can't be wrong.
37:02It's fine.
37:03You can be wrong.
37:04You can be wrong with me.
37:05You can be right there.
37:06I can be wrong with me.
37:07If I am, you need help.
37:08No.
37:09No.
37:10Oh, my God.
37:40No, no, no, no!
38:10Hello. Hi. How are you?
39:40You are.
39:45I'm in my eyes every night.
39:56And I kiss the name that you sign.
40:05And, darling, then I'll read again right from the start.
40:19Love letters straight from your heart.
40:27I'm in my eyes every night.
40:41And I'll kiss the name that you sign.
40:49And all in there
40:57Are we getting right
41:01From the start
41:04Not better
41:08Straight
41:09From your
41:19You did not die
41:49Hot damn
42:19Oh shit, I got you now, I know you girlfriend, I fucking know you, you know me, you're
42:36a knight, you're lit, well that may be, but you're still a knight, cause you got the helmet,
42:47the armor and the stick up your ass, but you don't leave people in the shit, no you don't.
42:58What'd you think, I was gonna aspirate or something?
43:02Yeah.
43:04Yeah.
43:06Well, I didn't.
43:10All right buddy, well, just make sure you get on that liver transplant list, okay?
43:17I'll see you later.
43:18Yeah, where are you going?
43:19It's daytime.
43:20Oh, come on, come on, oh shit, wait, hold up, wait, wait, I'm coming with you.
43:28You're fucking green man, like just stay inside.
43:31Oh fuck, shit, shh, fucking shit.
43:41Look, I, I got kids, and they hate me.
43:46I got ex-wives, it's pretty much the same.
43:50Can't remember the last friend I made either, you know why I lost all that shit?
43:56Good job.
43:57Yeah.
43:58Good job.
43:59Good job.
44:00And he fucking took that from me.
44:03How bad is the ledger?
44:09Listen, if he sees you as a threat, you already found your weakness.
44:15Yeah, hard.
44:44Your asshole charbroiled the husband and wife.
44:47You six milk jugs.
44:49These weren't trolley town kills either, Dave.
44:51It's a white couple, from Crawford.
44:53Your wife was a doctor.
44:55Crawford's not our jurisdiction.
44:57Well, I'm aware of that.
44:59Could be our arsonist grew so tired of your inability to catch him that he traveled to find a more worthy adversary.
45:06Six milk jugs?
45:07This fucking couple was on date night.
45:09The kids were with grandma, so fuckwad didn't kill two kids just by sheer luck.
45:15This led to seven o'clock, all three channels, okay?
45:18Crawford arson investigators want to pick your brain when you can get there, so get there.
45:24And fill your partner in.
45:27Sure.
45:28I'll shut him down, Art.
45:31The fuck else would you say, Dave?
45:33Our top story this morning, a devastating house fire in Crawford has left two dead.
45:43Authorities are still investigating the cause of the blaze.
45:46The fire which broke out last night has drawn a heavy response from local fire departments and raised concerns for nearby residents.
45:52Catherine Smith is on the scene.
45:53Catherine Smith is on the scene.
45:54Catherine Smith is on the scene.
45:55Catherine Smith is on the scene.
45:56Catherine Smith is on the scene.
45:57Thank you, Robert.
45:58Six fucking jugs.
45:59And you left your territory to do it.
46:02It's personal, my man.
46:07It's personal, my man.
46:37Just never know.
46:55The Sanderson's didn't know when they took their grandson into a hardware store after
47:00buying him a stepacio ice cream that the boy and Mrs. Sanderson would never walk
47:07back out alive.
47:14Before anyone could ever question the cause of the fire, he would, as part of his job, declare
47:34it an accident, a fault in the electrical.
47:41When I'm back on a beat again, when I'm back on a beat again, when I'm back on a beat
47:48again, when I'm back on a beat again, when I'm back on a beat again.
47:55When I'm back on a beat again, when I'm back on a beat again.
48:02When I'm back on a beat again, when I'm back on a beat again, when I'm back on a beat again.
48:09When I'm back on a beat again, when I'm back on a beat again.
48:16And I'll not rush to go Gather.
48:26And I'll knock you out!
48:28Come on!
48:29Let's go!
48:43Oh my god.
48:44Someone close 911!
48:53You're welcome!
48:56I'm flying
48:58Soon these eyes
49:01See the sun
49:03Won't be long, won't be long
49:05Till I see it
49:09When I'm back on my feet again
49:15When I'm back on my feet again
49:20I'll be back on my feet again
49:22I'll be back on my feet again
49:26To be more Bullet, parch
49:28I've got podcasts the whole way of rearing ли
49:28I'll be back on my feet again
49:31I'll be back on my feet again
49:36I'll be back on my feet again
49:37My feet are ticked after vågees
49:38I'll be back on my four Brigade
49:39Like the 24th I'm back and I
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