- 2 days ago
"American High School," a romantic comedy, is centered on two people who marry young and contend with the consequences of "bad" actions.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01Good afternoon, pussycats!
00:00:07I say good afternoon, pussycats!
00:00:10I am here to introduce my best friend and your captain, Johnny Osu!
00:00:18Thank you, Matt.
00:00:21What the fuck is up, American High School?
00:00:30Hey, Mr. Rockstar, how can we be like you?
00:00:38Well, you're good for a ton of time, and everybody knows who you are
00:00:44Yes! Woo! Awesome!
00:00:46How do you do it? How do you do it?
00:00:50Alright, guys.
00:00:52Unfortunately, we have to put a pause to the fun for a moment
00:00:56and bring up, you know her as the boring and the bland
00:01:00and the ordinary and incredibly unhook-up-able with, uh, uh...
00:01:05Unhook-up-able?
00:01:07Yeah. Okay, let's bring up Gwen Adams. Get up here.
00:01:11Man, she ordinary. Soaky Gwen.
00:01:15I'm just kidding. Get up here.
00:01:18She's a good fuck, too, by the way.
00:01:21There you go.
00:01:24I would...
00:01:25This must be really difficult for you.
00:01:27Wow.
00:01:28You suck!
00:01:29You are definitely unpopular.
00:01:32See that thing!
00:01:34I mean, if this was MySpace, Tom, what if you didn't use your friend?
00:01:37Sure.
00:01:39Fuckin' horn-truck, bitch!
00:01:41Oh, where'd he cut that short?
00:01:43Awesome!
00:01:45Awesome!
00:01:46Woo!
00:01:47That's me.
00:01:50And it's pretty safe to say that I am incredibly unpopular.
00:01:54But it's not my fault, though.
00:01:55There are plenty of contributing user factors.
00:01:58For starters, instead of having a cool dad who lets my girlfriend sleep over,
00:02:02my dad just tries to sleep with him.
00:02:04He used to be an actor.
00:02:06He made a ton of money on the hit 80s TV show, Coast Watch,
00:02:09and a lot of Japanese action flicks.
00:02:14It'd be nice to have a strong older brother to look up to.
00:02:18Too bad I don't.
00:02:21Don't even ask where my mom is.
00:02:24Having the coolest boyfriend in school is usually a bonus.
00:02:27Yeah, not when you marry him.
00:02:33We'll get to that later.
00:02:37My husband's an exhibitionist,
00:02:39and made it his mission to have sex with me at every landmark in school.
00:02:43We've never been caught.
00:02:45And lastly, this is Hilary Weiss.
00:02:51Hilary is a devil with a vagina.
00:02:53Hey, Holden!
00:02:54He wanted Holden, but he wanted me.
00:02:57So I married him.
00:02:58I want you to take me to dinner.
00:02:59She's been trying to steal my boyfriend since the third grade.
00:03:02We hate each other.
00:03:04But I got the man.
00:03:06I'm running for prom queen.
00:03:10To beat out Hilary.
00:03:12Not like I really care about that kind of stuff.
00:03:14Obviously.
00:03:15But I want to be the one personally responsible for bringing down Satan.
00:03:21Ugh.
00:03:25Oh, and I'm ten days late on my period.
00:03:30Ugh, wait for school. Gotta go.
00:03:36Everyone is always on the go.
00:03:51Check this out.
00:03:52Johnny and Matt.
00:03:53I uploaded a video of myself onto YouTube.
00:03:56Shirtless and flexing.
00:03:58Mad views already, bro.
00:03:59Mad views?
00:04:00Mad views.
00:04:01We're awesome.
00:04:02So awesome.
00:04:03They hold the world record in awesomeness.
00:04:05Smoking is totally cool.
00:04:06Whatever that means.
00:04:07Awesome.
00:04:08You got a lighter?
00:04:09No.
00:04:10It doesn't matter.
00:04:11Oh.
00:04:12Here comes Dixie, Hilary, and Trixie.
00:04:14That's awesome.
00:04:15Together they've slipped with the entire school.
00:04:16Twice.
00:04:17Oh.
00:04:18My bad.
00:04:19I'm gonna show these pigs.
00:04:20Come here.
00:04:25Hey, Holden.
00:04:26How about you and I have a little dance party?
00:04:28God, she's such an idiot.
00:04:31If there was an award for fewest brain cells, she'd be undefeated.
00:04:34Oh.
00:04:35Bad fight.
00:04:36Awesome.
00:04:37Ew.
00:04:38I'm gonna save the day.
00:04:39I'm gonna pull her away.
00:04:40Bye, you little scaredy cab.
00:04:41Rock away.
00:04:42Rock away.
00:04:43What the fuck is wrong with those two?
00:04:44Who the fuck gets married in high school?
00:04:45It's all right.
00:04:46We like to watch you leave.
00:04:47Yeah.
00:04:48Yeah.
00:04:49California.
00:04:50You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
00:04:54This is our history teacher, Mr. Seuss.
00:04:55Rumor has it, his uber hot wife is cheating on him.
00:04:56She's our art teacher and vice principal.
00:04:57You can see from her photos, she's extremely qualified.
00:04:58California.
00:04:59California.
00:05:00You can see from her photos, she's extremely qualified.
00:05:01California.
00:05:02where certain parts of Anaheim worship a giant rat.
00:05:03Kip Dick.
00:05:04This means you should always swim naked.
00:05:05Kip Dick, out!
00:05:06Right on.
00:05:07Right now.
00:05:09Yes.
00:05:11And, everyone's here.
00:05:14This has this clear lightness.
00:05:16You tell your�� hydrographic powers and facet,
00:05:19but you're not different than the other uncomfortable.
00:05:23You're like, our Never
00:05:33Arrass, be gone.
00:05:35Seuss, I'm just here to learn like everybody else.
00:05:37Yeah, but when you're trying to teach her,
00:05:38her dad doesn't want her to learn.
00:05:39Move it.
00:05:41Fine, fine.
00:05:42You know, your class is boring anyway.
00:05:45Well, thank you.
00:05:46But, you know, this is only for students
00:05:47who graduated this century.
00:05:49Okay, quietly as we continue our
00:05:52extending adventures of California history.
00:05:55My dad works in porn.
00:05:57He works in the state of California
00:05:59because he's awesome!
00:06:01What the fuck?
00:06:03Did you?
00:06:05Totally, dude.
00:06:07Sis, sis, sis.
00:06:09Oh, what the?
00:06:11And that'll be enough for California history.
00:06:14Make sure you open chapter 14.
00:06:16One, two, six, two.
00:06:17What the heck, tomorrow.
00:06:19Yo, yo, yo!
00:06:22This is your principal.
00:06:24I need all my seniors down to the gymnasium, I repeat.
00:06:27I need all my seniors down to the gymnasium.
00:06:30Oh, who cares about me?
00:06:31Oh, yeah!
00:06:32That was another amazing announcement.
00:06:33Oh, you were fabulous, sir.
00:06:34To the gymnasium.
00:06:35Yes, sir.
00:06:36Yes.
00:06:37Thank you!
00:06:38That was another amazing announcement.
00:06:40Oh, you were fabulous, sir.
00:06:41To the gymnasium.
00:06:43Yes, sir.
00:06:44To the gymnasium.
00:06:48Yes, sir.
00:07:14Dad, what are you doing here?
00:07:19Just hanging out with my bros.
00:07:21Being totally awesome.
00:07:22Yeah.
00:07:23By the way, your dad has awesome cologne.
00:07:26Totally awesome.
00:07:27It's essence of apple.
00:07:30Well, I'm going to skedaddle.
00:07:32Mr. D.
00:07:33Mr. D.
00:07:35Call me Kip.
00:07:36All right, Kip.
00:07:41Nice.
00:07:42Who's the cutie?
00:07:44No, awesome.
00:07:45My name's Katie.
00:07:47Shh.
00:07:48Tell us about it.
00:07:49Why don't you guys swing by the house later?
00:07:51We'll throw around the pigskin, crack a few beers.
00:07:53Honey, bring some of your friends.
00:07:55You're cute.
00:07:56I know.
00:07:57I know.
00:07:59Hey.
00:08:00Hey, shithead.
00:08:01How come we never threw around the pigskin, huh?
00:08:04That's because I'm ashamed of you.
00:08:08What the fuck, Dad?
00:08:11I told you never to call me that.
00:08:12She never loved me.
00:08:14Oh, my God.
00:08:16Could you be more of a pussy?
00:08:17You're supposed to be a dick.
00:08:18Start acting like one.
00:08:19Look at yourself.
00:08:21I mean, come on.
00:08:22Do some push-ups.
00:08:23Get a girlfriend.
00:08:23Get a life.
00:08:24No more jerking off.
00:08:26Yeah, well, maybe if I had a dick teach me how to be a dick, I wouldn't be such a pussy.
00:08:30All right?
00:08:31Talk to the hand.
00:08:32Talk to the hand.
00:08:32Real mature.
00:08:33Talk to the hand.
00:08:34Real mature.
00:08:34Hey, fuck you, Dad.
00:08:36Sheezy-looking motherfucker.
00:08:39You know, Johnny's still single and available.
00:08:45Dad, I'm married.
00:08:49Yeah, well, it's never too late for an upgrade.
00:08:51You know, the girl you've been passing on.
00:08:57Quiet!
00:08:59Quiet!
00:09:00It is with pride to introduce to you the cornerstone of this school, assistant principal, Becky Apple.
00:09:08Thank you, Ms. Apple.
00:09:39Thank you, students.
00:09:40You fucking suck!
00:09:41Without your hard work and dedication, our prom would not be possible.
00:09:45You guys are so awesome.
00:09:48You're not accepted here!
00:09:50The pussy stinks.
00:09:51And on a more serious note, when prom comes, all of you need to vote for me, Hillary Weiss.
00:09:58I mean, I'm the prettiest girl in school, so it's a no-brainer.
00:10:02Where'd you go?
00:10:03We hit the jackpot, Gwen.
00:10:05The principal's desk.
00:10:06You, me, now.
00:10:07It's a lot.
00:10:08What?
00:10:09Come on.
00:10:09This will leave our last mark on campus.
00:10:12How?
00:10:15Plus, I want to let all the boys know that I'm a freaking machine.
00:10:19Woo!
00:10:19I can't believe I'm not here.
00:10:29Come here.
00:10:31Oh, Gwen.
00:10:45Oh, Gwen.
00:10:49Oh, Gwen.
00:10:50Oh, my God.
00:10:52Gwen.
00:10:52What's going on here?
00:10:54I think that they're having sex.
00:10:56Yes, Alice, that's a rhetorical question.
00:10:59But, sir...
00:11:00How could you not lock my door?
00:11:02I ain't cleaning this shit up.
00:11:04Oh, you'll clean it up, Grandpa.
00:11:05And you'll like it.
00:11:06Do you two understand this mahogany wood from Bangladesh?
00:11:09Where are you going?
00:11:10Where are you going?
00:11:10Sit down.
00:11:11Sit down.
00:11:18Big deal.
00:11:19We banged on principal man's desk.
00:11:20Look, I'm sorry.
00:11:26I really am.
00:11:28Like...
00:11:28Don't touch me.
00:11:30Alice, where's my popcorn?
00:11:38Oh, sir, that's my breast.
00:11:42I know.
00:11:50I'm Zoe.
00:11:57The new girl?
00:11:58I just transferred from Cancun.
00:12:00I enjoy long walks on the beach.
00:12:02I'm a Pisces.
00:12:03And I'm perfect.
00:12:09You do realize the school year's almost over with?
00:12:11I heard about your internship program
00:12:13for young, hot blondes with impressionable minds.
00:12:16I had to try it out.
00:12:17You know, see if I fit in.
00:12:18Um, the position's already been filled.
00:12:22We'll see about that.
00:12:27You know we have class, principal man.
00:12:31Oh, I think that can wait.
00:12:34Ah, I'm going to see the way weiss.
00:12:43Ah.
00:12:45Change of plans.
00:12:47You can go to class.
00:12:49And I'll talk to your pretty little girlfriend.
00:12:50Wait, what was she whispering to you about?
00:12:53Now move.
00:12:54You can't punish her during prom queen campaign.
00:12:57That's undemocratic.
00:13:04Looks like you're failing Seuss's class.
00:13:07If you don't get an A in the final,
00:13:08you won't graduate.
00:13:09That was done perfectly, sir.
00:13:14Of course, Alice.
00:13:16I want that desk clean by tomorrow morning.
00:13:18So clean that I can eat off of it.
00:13:21If I choose to.
00:13:23Let's go, Zoe.
00:13:23How am I ever going to show my face at school again?
00:13:37I'm the school slut.
00:13:39That spot was reserved for Hillary.
00:13:41We have never been caught.
00:13:46Never.
00:13:48And we've pulled off some really risky missions.
00:13:51Here at Mr. Seuss's classroom,
00:13:54here at the 50-yard line of the football field,
00:13:56and not to mention the bleacher sex.
00:14:00Bleacher sex.
00:14:01That is still the single most uncomfortable spot
00:14:04to ever get it on.
00:14:07I still have splinters from that.
00:14:11Lunch is almost over.
00:14:13Please, please, please,
00:14:15don't make me go back to that hell.
00:14:20Going out of this.
00:14:21Report to the nurse's office for a pregnancy test.
00:14:24That is all.
00:14:28Oh, God.
00:14:30What if I'm pregnant?
00:14:31Ben?
00:14:36Excuse me.
00:14:37Do you have a pass?
00:14:41Oh, boy.
00:14:47First patient of the day.
00:14:56Hi.
00:14:57Welcome to my office.
00:14:59Hi.
00:15:00I just need to pick up a pregnancy test.
00:15:03Okay.
00:15:04I think we should get to know each other
00:15:07since you're in my office,
00:15:08and I don't even know your name.
00:15:10I'm Nurse Doogie.
00:15:11I'm Gwen.
00:15:12Can I just have a pregnancy test really fast?
00:15:15You're Gwen.
00:15:16I heard about you.
00:15:17You had some sex, didn't you?
00:15:18Was it good?
00:15:18It was great for me.
00:15:20I heard it while I was in the bathroom over the speaker, and it was...
00:15:25Can we not talk about that, please?
00:15:27No, no, I...
00:15:28Please don't touch me.
00:15:29Put this robe on.
00:15:31Let's get started with the exam.
00:15:33What?
00:15:34Put this on.
00:15:35Can you just get me the little strip that I pee on?
00:15:38Uh, I don't have anything for you to pee on except for, well, me, if you're into that.
00:15:44I could lay under a glass table if that's what you want to do.
00:15:47I love it.
00:15:48What?
00:15:49Oh.
00:15:50Um, okay.
00:15:52Uh, um, I'm gonna examine you now.
00:15:54You should...
00:15:55You should get on the table right here.
00:15:57I'm on the table.
00:15:59Oh, yeah.
00:16:00I'm gonna miss my glass.
00:16:03I'll write you a note.
00:16:04I love him.
00:16:07I don't know.
00:16:08It's like I just try so hard.
00:16:13I just give him so much, you know?
00:16:15And I'm just afraid to find it.
00:16:17He'll get back.
00:16:18Have you even talked to him about it?
00:16:19I can't!
00:16:21He gets frustrated and he walks away.
00:16:24I mean, I want to make him happy, but he doesn't care.
00:16:27I didn't want to do the principal's office thing.
00:16:31I did it for him.
00:16:32Do you want to do the nurse's office thing?
00:16:34What?
00:16:35Nothing.
00:16:36Um, I think you're really nice, Gwen, and I want to help you.
00:16:42I don't want you to get kicked out of school.
00:16:44So, I did just something for you.
00:16:47I peed in a cup for you.
00:16:49And that way, you won't get expelled from being pregnant.
00:16:52I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.
00:16:55You're the best friend I have.
00:16:58So, that's why you should use three fingers instead of two.
00:17:03Gwen.
00:17:03Class, what have we learned from her actions today?
00:17:09To be more discreet when you're acting like a whore.
00:17:12Who are you?
00:17:13I'm Zoe, the new girl.
00:17:15I just transferred from Cancun.
00:17:17I enjoy long walks on the beach.
00:17:19I'm a Pisces.
00:17:20And I'm perfect.
00:17:21I don't like you.
00:17:22That's probably because you see me as competition.
00:17:26I'm hot.
00:17:28I know.
00:17:31Talk back to me again, and you'll have your next period through your mouth.
00:17:35Wow.
00:17:36Amazing.
00:17:37Think about that.
00:17:38Bitch.
00:17:39Go on and paint.
00:17:41Make it erotic.
00:17:42Excuse me, Miss Apple.
00:17:44Can I get some inspiration?
00:17:45Just two little magic words.
00:17:49B and J.
00:17:53How does he taste, girl?
00:17:55Mmm.
00:17:56But you still like me, right?
00:17:58No.
00:17:59Say it.
00:18:00Say it.
00:18:01Say you love us.
00:18:02I'm in love with Gwen.
00:18:04Holden, tell me you want me.
00:18:07I'm married.
00:18:09Tell me you want me.
00:18:10You're a fucking whore.
00:18:12You guys are all fucking stupid.
00:18:15You know you love us.
00:18:18Bye.
00:18:19Bye.
00:18:19Toodle.
00:18:20Fuck.
00:18:20What the fuck is your problem?
00:18:22You can be a real bitch sometimes, you know?
00:18:25Oh, come on.
00:18:25You're not going to leave me here.
00:18:26Really?
00:18:26You're just going to leave me here.
00:18:27Really?
00:18:27Why am I such a bitch?
00:18:28What the fuck am I supposed to do?
00:18:30For starters, you can keep your fucking shirt on.
00:18:32What do you mean?
00:18:32Are you going to walk?
00:18:33I don't even know how to take this fucking...
00:18:34What is she going to do Hillary?
00:18:35What the fuck?
00:18:36Hey there, gorgeous.
00:18:46Hey.
00:18:47You want a ride?
00:18:51Get in.
00:18:53Yeah, please.
00:18:56Just take me anywhere but here, please.
00:18:59You got it.
00:19:09Bye-bye.
00:19:18Problem?
00:19:21Just a little bit.
00:19:22So, you want to take me to dinner?
00:19:28I can't go with you.
00:19:31Please?
00:19:36Please?
00:19:36Please?
00:19:52I want to see you and die in L.A.
00:20:17I got the ice.
00:20:23I got the dental closet.
00:20:24Are we going to...
00:20:25Come on, Gwen?
00:20:26What are you doing here?
00:20:27I assume you're staying in tonight.
00:20:29Hold on.
00:20:29I got to go.
00:20:31No, I'm waiting for my MySpace date,
00:20:33which I thought was you.
00:20:35You're, uh...
00:20:37You're not Miss Tish, are you?
00:20:40No.
00:20:41Well, good.
00:20:42I mean, if I wanted a discreet relationship
00:20:43with my daughter, I'd just ask.
00:20:45Can I just stay?
00:20:48Uh, I said no.
00:20:51Oh, I got to take that.
00:20:52Bubbles?
00:20:53Dad.
00:20:53Yeah, did you get the move?
00:20:54Dad, it's only going to take...
00:20:56Sometimes I feel like you're asking,
00:21:01but then sometimes I don't know.
00:21:02And Jenny, you know that big, thick girl
00:21:04from third period?
00:21:04You know, she wore that little black dress today,
00:21:06but she totally didn't look little.
00:21:07Anyway, she told me that you really sometimes,
00:21:09like, stare at me in class,
00:21:11and I feel you sometimes.
00:21:12You know how they say that you can, like,
00:21:13feel when someone's staring at you?
00:21:14And I kind of sometimes feel like you're staring at me,
00:21:16but then I don't really know,
00:21:17and then, I don't know, I just really like you,
00:21:19and I want you to like me back, and...
00:21:20Here!
00:21:21Hey.
00:21:22Hey.
00:21:23How's the new job?
00:21:24What did you say?
00:21:25You're spitting in my food.
00:21:28How many girls do you have, anyway?
00:21:31Yeah, I like the other one.
00:21:33This girl here.
00:21:35She's a floozy.
00:21:37Bye.
00:21:37Bye!
00:21:38Bye.
00:21:39Yeah.
00:21:40Go ahead.
00:21:40Okay.
00:21:42Okay.
00:21:42Bye.
00:21:43Bye.
00:21:44So, anyways, I am so hungry.
00:21:47I'm so glad you took me to get something to eat,
00:21:49because I think we could really get to know each other better.
00:21:51Um, you know, talk.
00:21:55Are you going to eat that?
00:21:57Mmm.
00:22:00Today, I went to the mall,
00:22:01and my daddy took me on this little shopping spree,
00:22:04and I told him,
00:22:04Daddy, I just don't...
00:22:05I just want a little shopping spree.
00:22:07He almost bought me the whole mall,
00:22:09but that's my daddy.
00:22:10He loves me,
00:22:10and he always wants to spoil me.
00:22:12Guess what?
00:22:13This summer,
00:22:13he's going to take me to Brazil.
00:22:15Um,
00:22:16I'm really excited to go to Brazil,
00:22:17because all those Spanish classes that we took.
00:22:20You remember when we took Spanish class,
00:22:21Mr. Alvaro?
00:22:22I was thinking maybe it was a couple of weeks ago.
00:22:27Excuse me,
00:22:28do you have something to say?
00:22:29Actually,
00:22:30they speak Portuguese in Brazil.
00:22:32Um, sweetie,
00:22:34I think I should know what they speak.
00:22:35They speak Spanish in Brazil.
00:22:38You must have had a sleep
00:22:39with your geography teacher in the past.
00:22:41Oh, yeah?
00:22:43Maybe you could help me.
00:22:44Yes, you little girl.
00:22:46Real mature.
00:22:48Who do you think you are?
00:22:51I can't take this.
00:22:52Hold on.
00:22:52I want one more bite.
00:22:53Let's go.
00:22:55Let's go.
00:22:58Adioso.
00:22:58Adioso.
00:23:00Come on.
00:23:01No.
00:23:02Of course.
00:23:02Oh, how about the drugs?
00:23:06No, Dad.
00:23:08Are you pregnant?
00:23:10Yes, Dad.
00:23:11I'm so pregnant right now,
00:23:12it's not even funny.
00:23:14No.
00:23:14I didn't think so,
00:23:15because your husband's gay.
00:23:17Like a homosexual.
00:23:21Okay, you done?
00:23:21Now, what's wrong, honey?
00:23:22Talk to her.
00:23:23Nothing.
00:23:23No, we can talk.
00:23:24Now's a good time to talk.
00:23:26I'm going to go to my room, okay?
00:23:29I don't think so.
00:23:31Share your feelings.
00:23:32Yeah, share your feelings.
00:23:34For, whoa, that was,
00:23:35can you just, like,
00:23:37when me and him are congregating?
00:23:38I don't know if you realized this,
00:23:39but there was two men talking
00:23:40and you just kind of butted in there.
00:23:42Yeah.
00:23:42It's not your fault,
00:23:43but just learn.
00:23:43Yeah.
00:23:46Hey, what the fuck?
00:23:47What I found.
00:23:48Buzz, who is that?
00:23:51What?
00:23:52I'm getting laid.
00:23:53I thought that's who you wanted from me.
00:23:54Yeah, well, you know,
00:23:55I recognize her, all right?
00:23:57That's a, that's a prostitute.
00:23:59This is my girlfriend.
00:24:01I might be paying her, but shit.
00:24:03You're not spending my money
00:24:04for some skanky, two-bit hoe.
00:24:06Hey, listen, I can't make you happy, okay?
00:24:09You want me to fuck?
00:24:09You don't want me to fuck.
00:24:10What's it going to be?
00:24:11With all the girls here,
00:24:13you have to pick a prostitute?
00:24:14Hey, they don't have any experience
00:24:16like she's got.
00:24:16That's right.
00:24:17She knows what to do with her.
00:24:18Yeah, she's teaching me
00:24:19all the things I need to know, buddy.
00:24:21Okay, she can stay.
00:24:23You're going to have awesome.
00:24:24I'm awesome.
00:24:24You know what?
00:24:25I think I want some dick in me.
00:24:27Yes.
00:24:27I want to put mint in some dickies.
00:24:30See, it's all one big happy family, honey.
00:24:32Right.
00:24:32Just...
00:24:33I'm going to my room.
00:24:35Wait, wait, wait a second.
00:24:35I'm going to my room!
00:24:36Don't sweat it.
00:24:37I'm still holding out for Mrs. Apple.
00:24:39I show up to art class
00:24:40for the first time whole semester.
00:24:42Mrs. Apple gets naked.
00:24:43I would have showed up every day
00:24:44if somebody would have told me that.
00:24:46Mrs. Apple is the most phenomenal-looking
00:24:49teacher I've ever seen.
00:24:51She makes me never want to cut again.
00:24:55Yeah, well, uh,
00:24:56I'm afraid I've been tapping that lately, fellas.
00:24:59Awesome!
00:25:00Woo!
00:25:01Wait, is the...
00:25:02No.
00:25:02That's not awesome?
00:25:03That's not awesome, Matt.
00:25:05That's the most unawesome thing
00:25:07I've ever heard of, actually.
00:25:08Wait, you're not going to let
00:25:09one bad apple come between
00:25:11a bunch of great guys.
00:25:12Thank you for the drinks.
00:25:13Thank you for the funny puns.
00:25:15I'm going home.
00:25:16Say it's not true, Kip.
00:25:17Take it back.
00:25:18I'm sorry.
00:25:19I'm going home.
00:25:20You're still a man.
00:25:20Matt, but...
00:25:21Matt, Johnny.
00:25:23Wait, wait, no, no.
00:25:24I love her.
00:25:26I'm here.
00:25:27Hi!
00:25:29I'll walk it off.
00:25:31Don't worry.
00:25:33Yeah, Kip will make it better.
00:25:35So.
00:25:37Oh, hi, girl.
00:25:39So let's keep the party going, huh?
00:25:42Okay, group kiss.
00:25:43Group kiss.
00:25:43Okay.
00:25:44Hi.
00:25:44Hi.
00:25:48Johnny!
00:25:48Why are you girls still dressed?
00:25:49I enjoyed that.
00:26:02I'm glad.
00:26:03So let's go inside and make a baby.
00:26:06I'm not going to have sex with you.
00:26:08Gwen's gone.
00:26:09I'm here.
00:26:10Let's look at the facts.
00:26:11We're the most popular kids in school.
00:26:13Let's make a baby.
00:26:15It's just me and you and endless nights of making babies.
00:26:22Fuck.
00:26:22I think you're a really great girl.
00:26:24And I had so much fun tonight.
00:26:26I...
00:26:26I haven't done anything like this in a long time.
00:26:30You know, people think being married is so great,
00:26:33but it's really not.
00:26:35Especially at such a young age.
00:26:38Like, you think you have everything.
00:26:40You know you want to like me.
00:26:42She'll understand.
00:26:43She'll see you again.
00:26:45Ow!
00:26:46God, why are you making this so difficult?
00:26:49I'll see you.
00:27:00Purple.
00:27:01What does purple mean?
00:27:06Okay, we'll disregard this one.
00:27:08Okay, last one.
00:27:09Come on, negative, negative, negative, negative, negative.
00:27:14Aw!
00:27:20Ew, that's so gross.
00:27:24Come on.
00:27:31Ew.
00:27:32Ew, another negative.
00:27:34Yeah.
00:27:34So that makes three positive, three negative, and three inconclusive.
00:27:42I thought these things were supposed to be, like, 98% accurate.
00:27:45You're right.
00:27:58Order!
00:27:59No, please!
00:28:01Let's maintain some order here!
00:28:03Order?
00:28:03I will not have my daughter exposed to this indecency.
00:28:06For this, the senior trip is cancelled.
00:28:09We have police these sexual deviants.
00:28:12He can't do his job.
00:28:13We need a new principle.
00:28:15Yeah!
00:28:16Get out!
00:28:17You're outrageous.
00:28:18Outrageous.
00:28:19Outrageous.
00:28:20Despicable.
00:28:21Out!
00:28:22We don't want you here anymore.
00:28:23Out!
00:28:24We don't need sexual brothers like yourself.
00:28:29Attention, maggots.
00:28:30Due to the loot and the unusual fornification of that cunt, er, I mean, Gwen, your senior trip will be cancelled.
00:28:36And I will also be standing down as principal, leaving kids of a grec-
00:28:40I mean Miss Apple as acting principal.
00:28:42I will be available via video chat for comments.
00:28:47Mr. Ma'am.
00:28:49Principal Ma'am.
00:28:50I am acting as principal now.
00:28:52I'm the principal.
00:28:53I'm acting as principal now.
00:28:54I'm the principal.
00:28:55I'm acting as principal now.
00:28:56I am the principal.
00:28:57I'm acting as principal now.
00:28:59I'm the principal.
00:29:00I'm acting as principal now.
00:29:01I'm the principal.
00:29:02I'm acting as principal now.
00:29:03I'm the principal.
00:29:06what a bitch yeah a bitch
00:29:14oh girls look who's crying
00:29:24little girl want to cry get away from me
00:29:28you're gonna suck you know i'm so happy that i get to be the first one to tell you this
00:29:34but holden's going with me to prom did i stutter i said your husband holden adams is going with me
00:29:43hillary wise congratulations thanks you know it's been my dream that this day has finally come
00:29:52but guess who's gonna be prom queen it's gonna be me
00:29:56ladies and gentlemen it is doomsday take one pass it back do not kill yourselves
00:30:04until after you failed
00:30:05guys remember what coach said no pass no play let's get a break for good luck ready
00:30:11hey
00:30:19don't hate me what are you mad about now hillary prom hello you know
00:30:25she told me
00:30:26i'm not really sure about it why would you consider it why wouldn't you come home with me
00:30:32look i'm sorry
00:30:35but guess who's gonna be prom queen it's gonna be me it's gonna be me
00:30:49be me
00:30:54it's gonna be me
00:31:00I've been waiting for the right time
00:31:05So the lights can open my eyes
00:31:08Wondering if I'll ever change
00:31:10Or if I'll save the same
00:31:13I'm not afraid of what I'm doing to myself
00:31:16Yo
00:31:32What'd your fucking puppy dog die?
00:31:37How bad did you do?
00:31:39Check out mine
00:31:40All you did was draw a picture of a naked woman
00:31:44Duh
00:31:46Have fun in lameville
00:31:50Why do you slap me?
00:31:56I'm sorry
00:31:58I didn't write anything
00:32:13Oh
00:32:14Then you fail
00:32:15Goodbye
00:32:16What?
00:32:17You fail
00:32:18That's how it works
00:32:19You don't do nothing
00:32:19You get nothing
00:32:20No
00:32:22Don't cry
00:32:23I don't like to see crying
00:32:24Theodore
00:32:25Yeah babe
00:32:26There's something I've been meaning to tell you
00:32:28What's that fucking?
00:32:29These are divorce papers
00:32:30We're getting a divorce
00:32:31Here
00:32:31This is ludicrous Becky
00:32:35Ludicrous
00:32:35We're happily married
00:32:37Well
00:32:38Let me figure out a way to force you into it
00:32:42And I'll get back to you
00:32:44I really think I won't get back to you
00:32:54Look how many people are
00:32:55I'm so nervous
00:32:55At
00:33:12And now, and now.
00:33:42What?
00:33:46When?
00:33:54This is the little girls' room.
00:34:12Hey, it's me.
00:34:18I'm not feeling too good.
00:34:21Yeah.
00:34:24I love you.
00:34:27If I was going to college, I'd want to go single.
00:34:34Go ahead.
00:34:36You're saying some pretty hard things to me right now.
00:34:39I want to take a break.
00:34:44We're married.
00:34:46We're married, remember?
00:34:49We have a whole life so much.
00:34:53I'm sorry.
00:34:58I think we need to get a divorce.
00:35:09I need to go back and then fall away when the sea is on the sun.
00:35:24Hello, child.
00:35:26You look lovely tonight.
00:35:32Don't walk away from me.
00:35:34I didn't move.
00:35:35I know.
00:35:38I can see you better than you can see yourself.
00:35:47I'll bring you some baby oil.
00:35:51Oh, my seed.
00:35:53Your aura looks pained.
00:35:56But I can bring a smile to your tortured soul.
00:36:02I have a surprise for you.
00:36:05Come.
00:36:06Let me show you the way.
00:36:13Get a drink.
00:36:14I'm only 18.
00:36:18So?
00:36:18Jello shot?
00:36:19No.
00:36:21Show me the surprise.
00:36:22Oh, I want your surprise?
00:36:26Okay.
00:36:28Okay.
00:36:29Now, I realize that, that I haven't been the best father.
00:36:34I've had this epiphany.
00:36:38I finally, I finally see the light.
00:36:41And when you see this surprise, I think you'll understand.
00:36:45Close your eyes, sweetheart.
00:36:47Stay like that.
00:36:49Okay?
00:36:49Okay.
00:36:49Okay.
00:36:52Okay.
00:36:53Open the door.
00:36:54Surprise!
00:36:56Surprise!
00:36:57We're getting married.
00:37:03It's not a pony.
00:37:05Yeah, but I'm going to ride it like a racehorse.
00:37:06Yeah, you can.
00:37:09Oh, my God.
00:37:10You guys are adorable.
00:37:12Let me join this beautiful circle you guys have going on here.
00:37:15Please do.
00:37:16I've been missing you, man.
00:37:18Gwen.
00:37:19Come here.
00:37:20I am so, so glad we talked today.
00:37:23I mean, you have so many things going to your head.
00:37:26And I've been really worried about you.
00:37:28Oh, really?
00:37:29Just let your head down.
00:37:30And I love the family.
00:37:32And that's the biggest thing, man.
00:37:34God, what if me and Gwen got married, too?
00:37:38We could be like a big family.
00:37:40Amazing!
00:37:40It would be awesome, Gwen.
00:37:41It would be amazing.
00:37:42You are adorable, by the way.
00:37:44Oh, thank you.
00:37:45That's so hot that you just did that.
00:37:46Sound of love?
00:37:47I think about you a lot.
00:37:48All the time, actually.
00:37:50Look.
00:37:51And we could get together, take it slow,
00:37:53and maybe I could learn to love you and shit.
00:37:55I don't know.
00:37:56So we should give it a try.
00:37:58I think it's the best thing possible for you.
00:38:01This is all about family, right?
00:38:02It is.
00:38:03Absolutely.
00:38:03It is.
00:38:05Absolutely.
00:38:05Oh, God.
00:38:06You are just something else.
00:38:07I'm going to just go.
00:38:08Oh, so are you.
00:38:10We should let the girls talk.
00:38:11We should.
00:38:13Let's go do some drugs, Dad.
00:38:17Oh, son.
00:38:19Let's do it, okay?
00:38:21This is going to be great.
00:38:21You're going to love it.
00:38:22I promise.
00:38:24Don't go anywhere.
00:38:25I'm going to have some drinks because you look pretty rough right now, okay?
00:38:28All right.
00:38:29And you, I'm going to be thinking about you later.
00:38:31You're just going to be a little vixen there.
00:38:33You're the best.
00:38:34If I have strong my foot and stand my fingers,
00:38:36it means come with.
00:38:38Hello?
00:38:38Tony, I am not a lamppost.
00:38:40I am a girl, okay?
00:38:42Well, I don't care if you're a fucking desk, all right?
00:38:44If I snap my fingers, that specifically means come with me because I'm the man and I'm awesome.
00:38:50Snap fingers, come with.
00:38:51Let's go.
00:38:52I am sick of your...
00:38:53I'm Johnny Awesome.
00:38:55I'm so sweet.
00:38:56I wear tank tops and work out and get a pedicure every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
00:38:59I hope you go prematurely both.
00:39:00Ha!
00:39:00That roll game is not mine!
00:39:07Oh, fine then.
00:39:10Go!
00:39:12Just leave.
00:39:14Go!
00:39:16Go!
00:39:16Stupid giant stupid!
00:39:20Oh, he becomes giant stupid because he messed up again.
00:39:27That was stupid.
00:39:29Stupid.
00:39:29Stupid.
00:39:29Stupid.
00:39:29Stupid.
00:39:30Stupid.
00:39:30You guys are still here.
00:39:42What an idiot.
00:39:43Go.
00:39:43Bye.
00:39:44Yeah.
00:39:45Yeah.
00:39:46Yeah.
00:39:47Yeah.
00:39:48Yeah.
00:39:49Yeah.
00:39:50Yeah.
00:39:51Yeah.
00:39:52Yeah.
00:39:53Yeah.
00:39:54Yeah.
00:39:55Yeah.
00:39:56So, let's recap.
00:40:01I'm the youngest divorcee in history.
00:40:04I'm failing history class.
00:40:06I'm an unpopular whore who ruined the senior trip and got principal man fired.
00:40:12I might be pregnant.
00:40:13Some chick from my school just became my mom.
00:40:15And my ex is taking the antichrist to prom.
00:40:21Don't think you're going to see my vajayjay.
00:40:26I'm going to see my vajayjay.
00:40:27I'm going to see my vajayjay.
00:40:28I'm going to see my vajayjay.
00:40:29Should I hang myself?
00:40:30Definitely, yes.
00:40:31Yeah, dad, definitely.
00:40:32Yeah, dad, definitely.
00:40:33Yeah, I think there's not a thing for my loser.
00:40:34A daughter showed up.
00:40:35Marital problems.
00:40:36I don't even know why people get married.
00:40:37I mean, my god.
00:40:38I mean, what do you need to get married for?
00:40:39It's all about fornication.
00:40:40Who needs a piece of paper for that?
00:40:41Yeah, I gotta get out of the house, Apple.
00:40:42You gotta help me out here.
00:40:43Meet me tomorrow.
00:40:44In the dumpsters.
00:40:45Let's get trashy.
00:40:46Thanks, dad.
00:40:47I think I actually have a plan.
00:40:53Principal man?
00:40:54Who are you?
00:40:55It's me.
00:40:56Gwen Adams.
00:40:57What do you want?
00:40:58I think I can help you get your school back if you help me graduate.
00:41:00Yeah.
00:41:01What's your plan?
00:41:03Meet me by the dumpsters tomorrow and bring Mr. Akira in the city to be wed in the city
00:41:21in downtown Glorro.
00:41:24what's your plan meet me by the dumpsters tomorrow and bring mr. Seuss me and
00:41:32Seuss we'll meet you by the dumpsters tomorrow
00:41:41who's your friend Tiffany well I have one rule no fat chicks are you not
00:41:51convinced yet maybe they're looking for something yeah he's looking for
00:41:59something her vajayjay maybe Apple but I want to see those melons this is a
00:42:04perfect opportunity to get some dirt on her you'll get your life back now I'm
00:42:09gonna reclaim my school this is what we're gonna do I'm gonna tape them once
00:42:13we have the evidence we're gonna watch them squirm like worms I still love her
00:42:18yeah I got to get a better screening process for my teachers
00:42:33please explore and kill me I like coffee she likes coffee takes a lot of other
00:42:42things hey mr. Seuss hey candy hey I need you to sign these for me sure sure
00:42:52what am I signing well they're divorce papers from Miss Apple she doesn't even
00:42:58have the guts to divorce me in person she sends our little pet fembot I'm a
00:43:01teacher we had a love story right out of Shakespeare you tell her that I will not
00:43:08give her a divorce ten minutes after I'm dead we're gonna have a honeymoon in
00:43:11hell great of course I'll be back you have a great day it's so good seeing you bye
00:43:18so
00:43:23why the long face buddy you're not even faculty I have a little gift from your
00:43:29soon-to-be ex-wife oh I can guess what this is
00:43:32hey we wash our vegetables in there you know I also didn't appreciate a parking lot performance a few
00:43:40minutes ago oh you saw that everybody saw that my principal saw that I'm not gonna get tenure is your wife
00:43:46used to be a gymnast I mean she's flexible you don't even go here you know this is this is a
00:43:52good thing do you know what it's man's nature to be free you're now set free the the whole horizon
00:43:58is out there for you making love to my wife on a pile of trash aren't women impossible don't worry
00:44:04buddy you're gonna feel better I promise you hang in there now if you want to keep talking you can
00:44:11find me just follow the essence and I decided we are having a bikini prom
00:44:34bye bye are you ready yeah let's do it get your dad's cell phone text this apple here's our number
00:44:44it's already done Gwen this better work
00:44:50dad dad wait your turn dad okay Gwen what do you want I just need to borrow the phone oh uh were you
00:45:06calling the courthouse for divorce papers no man I don't think I can help you dad is
00:45:12bye bye look it's if you needed that bad it's in my pants I kind of got my hands full
00:45:16coach everybody yeah he's sexy sexy he is man I would fuck okay so anyway let's move the uh oh
00:45:33oh awesome you are the man no kip you the man I tell you awesome you ever thought about being my son
00:45:44you should marry my daughter does she give oral yet I do hey let's give it up again for
00:45:50by setting up Miss Apple I was killing three birds with one stone helping man get his job back
00:46:01getting a little retribution for Seuss not to mention teaching my dad a lesson
00:46:06shit it's supposed to be doing hours of everything god damn Alice last time I was in a boy's locker room
00:46:12oh yeah we're gang bang you guys we gotta hurry great plan man nowhere to hide
00:46:20everyone hide
00:46:23thank you
00:46:24no that means you're gonna have to stay
00:46:28hide
00:46:29oh
00:46:43oh
00:46:56I got what you want!
00:47:03Oh, there you are!
00:47:16You make me feel like a princess.
00:47:27Well, good. You know what the prince says? Lose the skirt.
00:47:33I had no idea you were into these smelly jockstraps.
00:47:38Yeah, we're cool. Franklin's gonna buy Candy and I dinner tonight while we talk about what a dick you are.
00:47:45And after that, we're gonna have hot lesbian sex in my hot tub.
00:47:54Can I watch? I don't think so yet. We're done.
00:47:57But I love Candy and apples. Wait, I got a Candy Lang TV. I'll drive.
00:48:02Hey, Gwen. How you doing? Awesome.
00:48:05Listen, you know, with everything that's going on, you know, your man's out mingling with every other...
00:48:12Whatever. The point of the matter is, I got to thinking and I thought, you know, maybe me and you should go.
00:48:18Where? Prom. Duh.
00:48:22You're asking me to prom?
00:48:24We could. Yeah? No.
00:48:27Uh, no. That's my answer to you. Because I'm not gonna go to prom with you. You're, uh, pretty horrible.
00:48:34Attention, munchkin turds. Miss Apple has a few recorded words for you.
00:48:39Oh, yes, oh, thank me. Oh, my hair.
00:48:47Now, with that being said, Miss Apple, I'm really gonna miss you.
00:48:52Principal man?
00:48:54Hold on, Alice. Go ahead, Gwen.
00:48:57We make a great team.
00:48:59Thanks, Gwen. I couldn't have got to school back without you.
00:49:02you. Aw. Looks like we won't be seeing you next year. Thank God. First, I need a date, but there's
00:49:20only two viable options. Johnny or Matt. Johnny. Matt. Johnny. Matt. Johnny. Matt. Johnny.
00:49:50Let's do prom. He gave you floaty wooty, which is Chinese for fuck your brain out. And now
00:50:00I need the perfect outfit. No?
00:50:20We had plans tonight that must have slipped your mind. I wonder where Holden is. Nope. Over
00:50:30it.
00:50:50I'll be having fun. Cause I got lots of friends who never liked tonight. Don't try to call me now. I know your talk is cheap. And all I have to say is leave a message at the beep. If I were you, I wouldn't wait or bleed. Cause boy, you're gonna
00:51:10And all I have to say is leave a message at the beep
00:51:14If I were you, I wouldn't wait or wait
00:51:18Cause boy, you're gonna have to wait
00:51:21You should have seen it coming out
00:51:27It's all your fault, I'm running out of reasons
00:51:31I'm not leaving, I'm already gone
00:51:36So I've been up to you
00:51:39Can't hurt me anymore
00:51:41I'm so proud of you
00:51:43I'm already out the door
00:51:45So Hillary might have a larger bootay, but I have brains
00:51:55Yeah
00:52:09Oh yeah, sick
00:52:20I'm so excited, it's prom, it's prom
00:52:25Don't prom, yeah
00:52:28Aren't you gonna close the door?
00:52:30You're welcome
00:52:44You're welcome
00:52:46I'm just messing with ya
00:52:48You look good
00:52:52What's with the whole sith lord thing?
00:52:54Ooh, it's Gwen Adams
00:52:55I'm just kidding, wanna make out?
00:52:57Not yet, let's wait
00:52:59What's with the cheetah bra?
00:53:00I just wanna pipe into those breasts
00:53:02Aren't you excited?
00:53:04Prom
00:53:06Is that my boy Johnny?
00:53:08I love you the best
00:53:10My body looks hot
00:53:12Big night tonight
00:53:14Yeah
00:53:15Why are you looking at me funny?
00:53:18Yoink
00:53:20Mr. Dick
00:53:22What's up man?
00:53:23Let's do it
00:53:24Come on
00:53:26Gwen
00:53:28Don't forget me
00:53:29God
00:53:30I can't
00:53:31Prom rules
00:53:32Woo
00:53:33Well come on honey
00:53:35We gotta get there
00:53:36Get inside
00:53:37That would be awesome
00:53:39Yes
00:53:40Let's go
00:53:41Woohoo
00:53:42Yeah
00:53:43You know if you need a little road head
00:53:44I won't get in the way
00:53:45Super
00:53:46Come on baby
00:53:48Prom night
00:53:49Hey
00:53:53What the fuck?
00:53:55Fucking cocksuckers
00:53:57I wanted to go to prom
00:54:09Everyone is always on the road
00:54:13Gotta get to school
00:54:15All my money
00:54:17Really made the impossible
00:54:20No
00:54:20With a
00:54:21Pass
00:54:22If I don't look there in time
00:54:25She's gonna kick glass
00:54:28Yeah
00:54:29It's a new social program
00:54:31Where all the kids can blow down
00:54:33It's a new way to know
00:54:35That everything's okay
00:54:38Really made the impossible
00:54:39No
00:54:40With a
00:54:40Pass
00:54:43If I don't look there in time
00:54:44She's gonna kick glass
00:54:45It's a new social program
00:54:50Where all the kids can blow down
00:54:52It's a new way to know
00:54:54That everything's okay
00:54:56Oh
00:54:57I thought it'd get much better
00:54:59Now that I ever played my fool
00:55:02Everything I need in my American high school
00:55:06Oh
00:55:07I thought it'd get much better
00:55:09Now that I ever played my fool
00:55:10Everything I need in my American high school
00:55:12Hell of a party, huh?
00:55:17Dougie, what are you doing here?
00:55:18Me?
00:55:19I'm on call
00:55:20If any of the girls drink too much
00:55:22I'm gonna give them a breathalyzer
00:55:23I brought something for them to blow on
00:55:25Listen, I see kids like you all the time
00:55:28You don't know if you're coming or going
00:55:30I know I haven't come in a long time
00:55:32I just went
00:55:33I've gone
00:55:34But you don't know if you're coming or going
00:55:35You need to have more confidence
00:55:37You need to, you know
00:55:38I know
00:55:38Take a risk, you know
00:55:39Whoa
00:55:40Wait a minute
00:55:41I see a guy dancing with another girl
00:55:44Yeah
00:55:45You know why he's with that lady blonde?
00:55:47Why?
00:55:48I'll tell you why
00:55:49There's a lot of reasons
00:55:51But one of them come to mind
00:55:53She's fuckable
00:55:54And you're sitting here with a guy with a mustache
00:55:56And a two inch penis
00:55:58Oh
00:55:59I know
00:56:01Lower
00:56:02Yeah
00:56:05You need to go after what you want
00:56:08Thanks
00:56:10Listen
00:56:11I'm not picking sides
00:56:13Okay?
00:56:14There are no sides
00:56:15Okay?
00:56:16There's one thing that controls relationships
00:56:18What's that?
00:56:19The penis
00:56:21Yeah
00:56:22Let me ask you this
00:56:24What does a guy with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?
00:56:26I don't know
00:56:27What do they eat?
00:56:28Last morning I had waffles
00:56:30I had some jelly on some toast
00:56:32But listen, you need to move forward
00:56:34You gotta stop looking backward
00:56:36I know
00:56:37You need more confidence
00:56:39I know you have it
00:56:40Okay?
00:56:41Thanks Doogie
00:56:42You're welcome
00:56:46Doogie's the best, isn't he?
00:56:48You wanna fuck or not?
00:56:49What?
00:56:50God
00:56:51They got me thinking naughty
00:56:54And I wanna put my hands on that booty
00:56:57I'm trying to love in you
00:57:01But I wanna get up in you
00:57:03I can't hold it back
00:57:05You're so sexy
00:57:07Good evening, boys and girls
00:57:08Good evening, gentlemen
00:57:11Thank you
00:57:12It's been a good night
00:57:13Man
00:57:14You rock
00:57:15Woo
00:57:16Yeah
00:57:17Let that get you, TP
00:57:19Alright
00:57:20This is the main part of our ceremony
00:57:22It's the climax
00:57:24Of the prom
00:57:26And that means
00:57:27It's week time
00:57:29Woo
00:57:30Woo
00:57:31Woo
00:57:32Woo
00:57:33Woo
00:57:34So let's have those ladies move to the front right now
00:57:36Right now
00:57:47With that being said
00:57:49Our prom queen is
00:57:55Gwen Adams
00:57:57That a girl
00:57:59Let's give it up for Gwen Adams
00:58:01Aww
00:58:02I almost feel bad
00:58:04Yeah, right
00:58:05At this point
00:58:06You probably think I cheated the system, huh?
00:58:08I mean, I didn't even campaign that hard
00:58:10But you're wrong
00:58:11I went fair and square
00:58:12Well, almost
00:58:14Don't judge me
00:58:15You would've done the same thing
00:58:17I'm proud of you, kiddo
00:58:35Alright, with that being said
00:58:37It's time for our prom king
00:58:39What do you mean, prom king?
00:58:42Aww, come on, man
00:58:44Every prom has a prom king and a queen
00:58:46You suck
00:58:48Alright
00:58:49I can't help but you can spend all your time and money
00:58:52Boutin' on the hoes
00:58:53So with that
00:58:54I'm gonna invoke executive decision
00:58:57Varsity champion
00:58:58Our captain
00:59:00Johnny Awesome
00:59:025th year in a row, baby
00:59:14What?
00:59:15Woo!
00:59:16Woo!
00:59:17Woo!
00:59:18Woo!
00:59:19Woo!
00:59:20Woo!
00:59:25Wow
00:59:26This is totally unexpected
00:59:28Totally unexpected
00:59:29Totally unexpected
00:59:30I mean
00:59:31I didn't even expect it
00:59:32Didn't expect it
00:59:33I mean, it's a total shocker
00:59:34It's a shocker, capital S
00:59:36Matty
00:59:37Oh
00:59:38First, I would
00:59:39First and foremost like to thank
00:59:41Bitches
00:59:42All the bitches
00:59:43Secondly, I'd like to thank
00:59:45Hoes
00:59:46All the hoes
00:59:47Thirdly, I just want to thank
00:59:49Bitches and hoes
00:59:50All the bitches
00:59:51And the hoes
00:59:53You're a ho
00:59:54Oh
00:59:54She knows
00:59:55She's a ho
00:59:55And I don't know why I'm talking like a reverend
00:59:57But I want to preach to ya
00:59:59Who's gonna pledge $100?
01:00:00Who's gonna pledge $100?
01:00:02Because we're awesome!
01:00:05Woo!
01:00:06That's uh, that's how I sing
01:00:09Uh, Gwen
01:00:10Mmm
01:00:14Mmm
01:00:16Uh
01:00:18Now me and uh, your queen of the prom shall dance, shall we?
01:00:22Shall we dance?
01:00:23Yeah, I think we're supposed to
01:00:26Awesome
01:00:29Let me get your attention
01:00:31Let me get your attention
01:00:32So let me introduce to you
01:00:34Prince of The Man's personal friend
01:00:36International recording artist
01:00:38Trini Lopez
01:00:40Mamum
01:00:53You two, you two, you two, I'm sorry, my lips are really tired, maybe next time.
01:01:19So, Johnny shouldn't treat you like that.
01:01:26I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
01:01:36I always have a problem getting it up.
01:01:38Okay, how you doing, Holden?
01:01:41Hey, buddy, how you doing, baby?
01:01:43Me? I'm stoned.
01:01:45Hey, you want my advice?
01:01:47Not really.
01:01:49You don't want my advice?
01:01:50I know you're not going to take it.
01:01:51You better listen to me.
01:01:52Listen to me.
01:01:53That hurts, doesn't it?
01:01:54No, it doesn't hurt.
01:01:55I lost the sensation I left in there for the...
01:01:57Is there a problem here, Doogie?
01:01:58Damn.
01:01:59Huh?
01:02:00Is there a problem here?
01:02:01Yeah, he's...
01:02:02Adams?
01:02:03He's my bitch.
01:02:04What?
01:02:05Sounds like you come from a loving family there, Holden.
01:02:07That's amazing, Doogie.
01:02:08Wow.
01:02:09Doogie.
01:02:10Yeah.
01:02:11Look at Gwen.
01:02:12You've been examining her, right?
01:02:14Let me be real with you for a second.
01:02:16I want to lick her up and down and bite her ass like a meatball.
01:02:19Oh.
01:02:20Yeah.
01:02:21We're blocking her.
01:02:25You know what?
01:02:26Yeah.
01:02:27I'm telling you, fucking teenagers.
01:02:29Yeah.
01:02:30Isn't it the best?
01:02:31It is good.
01:02:32Hey, Brian.
01:02:33Hi.
01:02:34Mind if I sit down?
01:02:35Hello.
01:02:36Yeah.
01:02:37I voted for Bush.
01:02:42Hello, Zoe.
01:02:44Hi.
01:02:45Yeah.
01:02:46Hi.
01:02:47Hi.
01:02:48Hi.
01:02:49Hi.
01:02:50Hi.
01:02:51Hi.
01:02:52Hi.
01:02:53Hi.
01:02:54Hi.
01:02:55Hi.
01:02:56Hi.
01:02:57Hi.
01:02:58Hi.
01:02:59Hi.
01:03:00Hi.
01:03:01Hi.
01:03:03Hi.
01:03:04Hi.
01:03:05Awesome people don't do tracks, you know what I mean?
01:03:08Wait, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?
01:03:14Bro, my sash! Ow!
01:03:16Ow! Listen! Seriously, ow!
01:03:18Listen! Listen! Listen to me! Stop!
01:03:20You are so hot, bro! Why are you so good looking? I'm sick of it!
01:03:22You're so awesome, and you're so good looking, and I'm not, I'm not good looking, and I'm not awesome!
01:03:26I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
01:03:29I know. Come here, let it up. Come on, let it up.
01:03:31I'm not! I'm not! And look!
01:03:35Ow!
01:03:37I'm sorry, dude!
01:03:38Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
01:03:41No, you're really hitting me! Ow! You're really hitting me!
01:03:44Ow!
01:03:45My ground!
01:03:46I will fuck you in the ass so fucking hard, you have no fucking idea!
01:03:54I'm just kidding.
01:03:56Yeah, that was awkward. Hold on. I'm gonna leave now.
01:03:58Gosh.
01:03:59I mean, it's not bad looking, but hey.
01:04:06What? No pussy for you!
01:04:10I will uppercut your face, random bearded guy!
01:04:13Yeah, that's right. I'll do a fucking alley all over the skate park with your fucking fake-ass Miyagi ass!
01:04:20Yeah!
01:04:23Get away from me!
01:04:24Stop! Stop! Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I love you. I love you, Gwen.
01:04:31Really? When's that? When you're dancing with Hillary or when you're fucking her?
01:04:34She's nothing! She's nothing! She's nothing!
01:04:36Don't move right now.
01:04:40She's nothing!
01:04:42I gotta tell you that I never, ever felt this way.
01:04:47Oh! There you are! You have ruined everything!
01:04:50This is my song, okay? You see that band over there? That's mine.
01:04:54This whole entire prom is mine. Everybody here is for me, okay? And you are running it!
01:05:01Listen, the only reason that you are even here, that you are even in this place, is because of me!
01:05:06It's because I want to be prom queen! And it's all because of me! It's all me! Don't you get it? It's all about me and me!
01:05:15Fuck you, slut!
01:05:17Oh my god! Did you see that? She just got hit in the face!
01:05:21Of course I saw it!
01:05:22Oh my god!
01:05:23You just got hit in your face!
01:05:25I'm gonna throw my peanuts at you, cause you're stupid!
01:05:30Let's go kick a puppy.
01:05:31Oh, is there a puppy here?
01:05:36Let's just mess with it a little.
01:05:51Haven't seen your dad in a minute.
01:05:53He's with Zoe.
01:05:55He's probably bagging it right now. Awesome!
01:06:00Why do you always say awesome?
01:06:02I mean, we get it. Yeah, you're so awesome. You wear the hats.
01:06:06Ooh, awesome! Awesomeness, man!
01:06:09You're a bitch!
01:06:11Yeah, no wonder Holden divorced you.
01:06:13Suck a dick for crying out loud. Suck my dick, okay?
01:06:16You're sucking my dick? Trust me, all of a sudden the frown is upside down.
01:06:21You'll be all like, thank you, Johnny! Thank you for that cock!
01:06:24And I'll be like, no problem! You want some more cock?
01:06:27And then you'll be like, yes, please!
01:06:29And I'll be like, no problem! Got plenty of cock here!
01:06:31And it'll be great!
01:06:33And you'll be like,
01:06:35on account of my great girth!
01:06:38Yeah! See, look!
01:06:39Yeah, you're opening it up already!
01:06:42Look, you're going through a divorce.
01:06:45Which, by the way, sucks! I mean, you graduate high,
01:06:48you're like, hey, I'm divorced already,
01:06:50and I'm born on top of it!
01:06:52Nobody wants to eat that cake!
01:06:54The point is, you're having fun now.
01:06:56It's prom night.
01:06:57You got a crown tonight, right?
01:06:58We both got crowns!
01:07:00Yeah.
01:07:01Come on.
01:07:02I did.
01:07:03Let's have some fun. What do you say?
01:07:06Okay.
01:07:07Oh!
01:07:08Awesome!
01:07:09Ow!
01:07:10What?
01:07:11What?
01:07:12You were, like, practically asking for it!
01:07:13What are you doing?
01:07:14Where? Why are you leaving?
01:07:15Don't leave!
01:07:16Oh!
01:07:17Go!
01:07:18Ha!
01:07:19Yeah!
01:07:20Leave!
01:07:21Ha!
01:07:22Ha!
01:07:23Ha!
01:07:24Ha!
01:07:25Ha!
01:07:26Ha!
01:07:27Ha!
01:07:28Ha!
01:07:29Ha!
01:07:30Ha!
01:07:31Ha!
01:07:32Ha!
01:07:33Ha!
01:07:34Ha!
01:07:35Ha!
01:07:36Ha!
01:07:37Ha!
01:07:38Ha!
01:07:39Ha!
01:07:40Ha!
01:07:41Ha!
01:07:46You're feeling kind of sad.
01:07:49You've been a little bad.
01:07:50Ha!
01:07:51To the girl who was just in your car.
01:07:55Ha!
01:07:56Ha!
01:07:57Ha!
01:07:58Ha!
01:07:59And now she's gone away, and then-
01:08:00What are you doing?
01:08:01Ha!
01:08:02Get together, man.
01:08:03I'm cheering you up.
01:08:04I'm making fun of this situation.
01:08:06Look at you you're a disgrace
01:08:09Hey, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. What is your name? Huh? What is your name?
01:08:18What's your name? Johnny, that's right. That's right
01:08:36Students, parents, and faculty, welcome to the commencement ceremonies for American High School.
01:08:42Principal Mann wanted to be here today, but something very important came up at the last minute.
01:08:47So now I ask you to stand up and receive your diplomas.
01:08:50So I actually made it to graduation without failing out.
01:08:54Doogie was right. All I needed was a little confidence.
01:08:58I may not have aced this class, but I sure did learn a lot about who I am and what I want in life.
01:09:06Enjoy your brave struggle against alcoholism.
01:09:09Johnny. Johnny, I say.
01:09:11What is it, Matt?
01:09:13Well, what it is, is prom was so much fun. I think it's the little things that matter.
01:09:18And the little things, like I'm not making prom queen, were very, very exciting and fun to me.
01:09:23I think that the fact that I won the crown during prom is totally fantabulous.
01:09:29I must have drank me about seven aluminum cans of Guinness.
01:09:34I don't know what you're saying, but all I heard was prom was awesome.
01:09:37I don't know the crowd.
01:09:38Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the graduating class of American High School.
01:09:43Let's go!
01:09:53Oh my God.
01:09:56What's going on?
01:09:57Oh my God!
01:10:02Oh!
01:10:05Oh my God!
01:10:09Well, I'm glad it's finally over.
01:10:39Closure can be a beautiful thing.
01:10:43I really don't think graduation is that important.
01:10:46I was talking about the divorce papers.
01:10:50Hey, hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
01:10:53You gave your best shot, right?
01:10:56You know what I don't understand, though?
01:10:59I mean, people look at me.
01:11:02They seem to forget that I'm a dad, too.
01:11:04I mean, all I ever wanted was for my little girl to be happy.
01:11:08You know what?
01:11:09She nearly had me convinced that you were the one.
01:11:13And even more surprisingly, my dad stuck up for me for once.
01:11:17He may have actually turned over a new leaf.
01:11:19To be honest, I never thought you'd sign the papers.
01:11:24Are you really gonna marry this guy?
01:11:27Are you serious?
01:11:28This is a very rich man.
01:11:31Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.
01:11:34He says life is fair, huh?
01:11:38Better go munch me some candy.
01:11:43I want a little pussy.
01:11:44I mean, why not?
01:11:45I got dick.
01:11:46I could stick it in and have a good time.
01:11:48Fuck.
01:11:51What kind of a classless whore would fuck TP?
01:11:54One that I'm in love with.
01:11:55Yeah, perfect.
01:11:56Maybe this will kill me.
01:12:00Hillary, Hillary, Hillary.
01:12:06Hey, bitch.
01:12:07Hey, loser.
01:12:08Couldn't help but notice a lack of something up here.
01:12:12A lot of space.
01:12:14Lack of brains.
01:12:15I think you wish you were awesome.
01:12:18After Hillary lost Prom Queen, things kind of started falling apart for her.
01:12:22I guess she finally learned an age-old lesson.
01:12:25Quit being such a whore.
01:12:32We are so not friends anymore.
01:12:34I've always hated you.
01:12:36Bitch.
01:12:37I wouldn't bang you with teepees, dick.
01:12:40Yeah, bitch.
01:12:41Who are you?
01:12:42Bitch, bitch.
01:12:43And you got a fat ass whore.
01:12:45And big arms.
01:12:46Yeah, I said it.
01:12:47Cellular.
01:12:48Three times.
01:12:49Whore.
01:12:50Hey, um, I don't want to interrupt the pity party over here.
01:12:54But, you know, I'm no math major or anything, but there's one of me.
01:12:57Who are you?
01:12:58What do you say we add each other up and have foursome?
01:13:01Can't wait.
01:13:02I love it.
01:13:03Later, bitches.
01:13:04I am awesome.
01:13:05Bye.
01:13:06You know, now that you're not hanging out with the hair extension,
01:13:10and we can, uh, just the two of us.
01:13:13Okay.
01:13:14Three.
01:13:15What?
01:13:16What?
01:13:17No.
01:13:18What the fuck?
01:13:19Don't tell anybody about this teepee, but I'm desperate.
01:13:25Ooh, a gummy worm.
01:13:26That tee thing creeped me out.
01:13:31I put him in.
01:13:34So that's me.
01:13:35School conquering, man eating, Satan slaying, independent me.
01:13:40And this time, I'm in charge.
01:13:43Oh, and I almost forgot.
01:13:45I'm not pregnant.
01:13:47Sometimes life really blows, but it's up to you to sit back,
01:13:50relax, and enjoy the blow job.
01:13:53So after graduation, Hillary started her own mentor's program
01:14:01to teach young girls the importance of confidence and aim.
01:14:06It was very successful.
01:14:14Fate would have it that Johnny, Matt, and Holden started a boy band.
01:14:18Three guesses what their name was.
01:14:20Shocking, I know.
01:14:22More shocking is that their record actually hit top ten.
01:14:26Worst records ever!
01:14:28Candy cleaned up Kip's act, and the two of them opened up a rape
01:14:31help clinic for young women.
01:14:33They are both very happy.
01:14:37Principal Man and Miss Apple ended up reconciling their
01:14:40differences and found love with one another.
01:14:45Don't feel bad for Mr. Seuss, though.
01:14:47The PTA declared him principal.
01:14:50And as for me, who knows what's next?
01:14:53That's kind of the great part.
01:14:54The world is my non-conflict diamond, or oyster, or whatever.
01:14:58And if Hillary taught me anything, it's to go after what I want with everything in me.
01:15:02And as I recently discovered, that happens to be a lot.
01:15:06One, two, now it's through.
01:15:09You gotta go, go, get out on your own.
01:15:12You gotta be free, I can't do it alone.
01:15:15You know I owe it all to you.
01:15:19One, two, now it's through.
01:15:22When I fall off my demons, I've saved the world a thousand times.
01:15:28I'm so sick of screaming that I'm weak in the knees.
01:15:34Now I know what you're thinking, but you should know that I don't care.
01:15:41I'm so moving on, cause you'll never be pleased.
01:15:48Now I can't turn my hair off.
01:15:51Relax, put down my hair.
01:15:54I can't turn my hair off.
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