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00:00:00www.hansgrohe-int.com
00:00:30Above a sushi shop.
00:00:32Let's do it that way.
00:00:35So yeah, if you don't know, my name's Ben
00:00:37and you can't tell right away,
00:00:39but actually I'm an immigrant.
00:00:41I was born in the worst part of Russia.
00:00:44Uh, Russia.
00:00:49Do we have any other immigrants in here?
00:00:52Oh wow, like 10, 12 people.
00:00:54Okay, is this a comedy show
00:00:55or Homeland Security Detention Center?
00:00:57This is nice.
00:00:59But yeah, I am.
00:01:00I'm an immigrant and a nerd and a Jew.
00:01:04I'm what Fox News would call a triple threat.
00:01:11You know, being from Eastern Europe,
00:01:13that means I'm still a white male.
00:01:15But being foreign born,
00:01:17it's like my social justice warrior invisibility cloak.
00:01:21Because they're like,
00:01:22you're an evil white man.
00:01:25And I'm like, immigrant.
00:01:26And they're like, damn it.
00:01:33My point is, not all white men are evil.
00:01:36No, only white men born in America.
00:01:41But Russia's evil too, maybe more so.
00:01:44Like, I don't know if you know,
00:01:45but in Russian universities,
00:01:46the easiest major is always political science.
00:01:49Because the answer to any question is,
00:01:54you poison them.
00:02:04You guys read in here, I like that.
00:02:06You're good readers.
00:02:08But yeah, you know,
00:02:08it's like, Congress won't pass your bill?
00:02:10Poison them.
00:02:12A Russian military officer
00:02:14turns out to be a British spy.
00:02:16Poison him and his daughter.
00:02:18Extra credit.
00:02:21Or your spouse lets dinner get cold.
00:02:26No, you forgive them.
00:02:30And then when you're not expecting it,
00:02:32you poison their mom.
00:02:37But I enjoyed your enthusiasm for poison.
00:02:40You're now an honorary Russian.
00:02:42Welcome, comrade.
00:02:45Yeah, when people hear me speaking Russian,
00:02:48they think I'm plotting an election.
00:02:52So to mess with them,
00:02:53I'll be speaking English.
00:02:54And then answer my phone with,
00:02:55Da, što takoje?
00:02:56Pryčmu mne zvonjš?
00:03:02Pryčm zez Donald Trump?
00:03:07Peperoni!
00:03:07I wanted peperoni!
00:03:12They don't have it?
00:03:13Well, then poison them.
00:03:17There's gonna be like 15 more poison jokes,
00:03:19by the way.
00:03:20We might as well make this a drinking game.
00:03:22Every time I say poison,
00:03:23you drink.
00:03:25Poison.
00:03:27On about seven people playing.
00:03:29Okay, cool.
00:03:29I should warn you, though,
00:03:31by the end of this,
00:03:31you might get alcohol poisoning,
00:03:33as head is.
00:03:34Goes.
00:03:36Look, if some of you don't laugh loud,
00:03:37I'll poison you, okay?
00:03:43That is someone who's been poisoned before,
00:03:45apparently, is what that was.
00:03:47Some PTSD.
00:03:51Here's how Russian textbooks
00:03:52describe different forms of government.
00:03:53They're like,
00:03:54in a dictatorship,
00:03:55the dictator poisons everyone.
00:03:56In socialism,
00:03:59people poison each other.
00:04:02And in a democracy,
00:04:04Facebook poisons everyone.
00:04:09The fact that we laughed,
00:04:11clapped,
00:04:11and got a little sad.
00:04:13Yeah, it was the five stages of grief
00:04:15all in one.
00:04:16We did it, everyone.
00:04:17We did it.
00:04:18I've been told my jokes
00:04:20are very clever,
00:04:21which means they're funnier
00:04:22the second time you hear them.
00:04:26I've been told my jokes
00:04:29are very clever.
00:04:34That was a test.
00:04:35You passed.
00:04:36Good job.
00:04:36You passed.
00:04:38I don't know about you,
00:04:39but, like,
00:04:39I've always wished I was dumber,
00:04:41because then I'd be happier.
00:04:44One other person
00:04:45is brilliant to care,
00:04:46apparently.
00:04:48But, no, like,
00:04:49I don't know about you,
00:04:49but, you know,
00:04:50like, I'm no genius,
00:04:51but I'm usually in the top
00:04:5210% of things,
00:04:53except staying humble.
00:04:57See, like,
00:04:58top 10% is
00:04:58I was smart enough
00:04:59to get into a PhD program
00:05:01at Caltech,
00:05:03yet dumb enough
00:05:04to quit to focus on comedy.
00:05:08Please laugh louder.
00:05:13Oh, check this out.
00:05:14Recently,
00:05:15a pregnant friend of mine,
00:05:17she emailed me a link
00:05:18to a live stream
00:05:19of her baby's
00:05:21gender reveal party.
00:05:23Oh, because the
00:05:24correct response, yes.
00:05:26Yeah, because the only thing
00:05:27that revealed
00:05:27is I need new friends.
00:05:31Because that's not what
00:05:31I meant when I told her
00:05:32I like watching
00:05:33webcam girls.
00:05:39A lot of perverts
00:05:40in here, nice.
00:05:43Now people are having
00:05:43gender reveal parties
00:05:44and baby showers.
00:05:46Like, that's too much
00:05:47celebrating.
00:05:47Like, do you know
00:05:48what a kid costs?
00:05:49You should probably
00:05:50be at work.
00:05:55And why is it that
00:05:56sex and gender
00:05:57means the same thing?
00:05:58But a gender reveal party
00:06:00is so different
00:06:01from a sex party.
00:06:06So I'm watching
00:06:07this live stream
00:06:08and at one point
00:06:08my pregnant friend goes,
00:06:10the sonogram claims
00:06:11it's a boy.
00:06:13But we won't know
00:06:14for sure
00:06:14for a few years.
00:06:15because he's not old
00:06:21enough to speak
00:06:22and decide for himself.
00:06:26And I'm thinking
00:06:27there's no way
00:06:28I'm going to
00:06:28a second gender reveal
00:06:29party.
00:06:30by the way,
00:06:40clap if you have kids
00:06:40in here.
00:06:42Okay, that's a lot
00:06:43of people.
00:06:44Okay, very nice.
00:06:45I like that.
00:06:46You see, my wife and I
00:06:47were thinking of
00:06:47becoming parents
00:06:48because we have
00:06:50a one-year-old.
00:06:51She'll probably
00:06:55make a final decision
00:06:56soon.
00:06:57Before the baby
00:06:58forms memories,
00:06:59that'd be
00:06:59responsible.
00:07:04Thank you for
00:07:04understanding that
00:07:05this isn't literal.
00:07:08Yeah, I love
00:07:08my daughter.
00:07:10Uh, now.
00:07:13Yeah, I've loved her
00:07:14ever since I saw her.
00:07:15Sleep through the night.
00:07:16That's when
00:07:17my heart melted.
00:07:23Yeah, I love my daughter
00:07:24but I also love laughs
00:07:25so thank you for not
00:07:26making me choose
00:07:27between them.
00:07:29Because when you
00:07:29stare at me
00:07:30and don't laugh
00:07:30you make me want
00:07:31to go home
00:07:31and shake my baby,
00:07:32okay?
00:07:36Thank you.
00:07:36Most of you care
00:07:37about my daughter's
00:07:38welfare.
00:07:40And that's obviously
00:07:41sarcasm.
00:07:41I'm not going to
00:07:42shake my baby.
00:07:43No, don't shake
00:07:44your miracle.
00:07:44I'm going to
00:07:47shake my wife.
00:07:50Yeah, like a man.
00:07:55Whose woman
00:07:55is into choking?
00:07:56I love you too,
00:07:57you know?
00:08:00It's a fun joke
00:08:01to find out
00:08:01who's into choking.
00:08:03Most of us.
00:08:04Okay, cool.
00:08:05It's going to be fun.
00:08:08But I'll share this.
00:08:09So, you know,
00:08:10recently I couldn't
00:08:11get a babysitter.
00:08:13And honestly,
00:08:14like one thing
00:08:14I've been struggling
00:08:15with is like
00:08:15how do I find
00:08:16a babysitter
00:08:16I can trust?
00:08:18So what I've
00:08:18started doing
00:08:19and parents
00:08:20feel free to use
00:08:21this,
00:08:21this is my new
00:08:21screening process.
00:08:22I say,
00:08:23can I see
00:08:23your cell phone?
00:08:25They hand it to me.
00:08:26If your phone
00:08:27screen's cracked,
00:08:28then you can't
00:08:29watch my child.
00:08:35Because if you
00:08:35can't catch a phone,
00:08:36you can't catch a baby.
00:08:37If your phone
00:08:41screen isn't cracked,
00:08:42you also can't
00:08:43watch my child.
00:08:44Because you let me
00:08:45hold your phone,
00:08:46that's bad judgment.
00:08:49Yeah, I just sent
00:08:50all your nude pics
00:08:50to our previous
00:08:51babysitting applicant.
00:08:53Don't worry,
00:08:53she can't see them.
00:08:54Her screen's cracked.
00:08:57Yeah, so I couldn't
00:08:57get a babysitter,
00:08:58so I brought the baby
00:08:59with me to the comedy club.
00:09:01Yeah, and what I used
00:09:02to do, I'd have
00:09:03whatever woman would
00:09:04go, aw,
00:09:04I'd have that comedian
00:09:05watch my baby.
00:09:06But then I realized
00:09:10that's reinforcing
00:09:11the patriarchy.
00:09:12So now what I do
00:09:13instead, I find the
00:09:14biggest, blackest guy
00:09:15I can and have him
00:09:16watch my baby.
00:09:18Because I know
00:09:18he's got to be
00:09:19extra careful.
00:09:20It's going to get
00:09:32darker from here
00:09:33by a while.
00:09:36Yeah, so I take
00:09:37the baby with me
00:09:38and I give him
00:09:38to my friend.
00:09:39And as soon as I give
00:09:40my daughter to my friend,
00:09:41the baby starts crying.
00:09:42So immediately,
00:09:43I get accusatory
00:09:44with my friend.
00:09:45I'm like,
00:09:45she was fine a second ago,
00:09:46what'd you do,
00:09:47your act?
00:09:47And he doesn't
00:09:51hesitate, he says,
00:09:52no, actually I did
00:09:53your act.
00:09:56And you know,
00:09:56yeah, we're messing
00:09:57with each other,
00:09:57but you know,
00:09:58I get it.
00:09:58Like, I remember
00:09:59like back when I was
00:09:59single, whenever I'd
00:10:00hear someone's kid
00:10:01cry, I'd think like,
00:10:02what kind of horrible
00:10:03human isn't taking
00:10:04care of your child?
00:10:06But now I'm a dad
00:10:07when I hear someone's
00:10:08kid cry, I'm like,
00:10:09that baby sounds
00:10:10like a dick.
00:10:17I got yesterday,
00:10:20all in two minutes,
00:10:21my baby, she laughed,
00:10:22cried, screamed,
00:10:23spit up, and fell asleep.
00:10:26All in two minutes.
00:10:28And I thought,
00:10:29no wonder she's so tired.
00:10:31For some young women
00:10:32in their early 20s,
00:10:33that's a full Friday night.
00:10:40Why, Becky?
00:10:41Why, bleh!
00:10:48Thank you,
00:10:49that took years
00:10:50of acting training.
00:10:53I'm about to go on stage,
00:10:55and I hear my baby
00:10:56crying in the other room.
00:10:57And honestly,
00:10:58I love when my daughter
00:10:59cries in public,
00:11:00because I know
00:11:00other people are listening.
00:11:02So I use it as an excuse
00:11:03to complain about my problems.
00:11:06You know, the baby's like,
00:11:07bleh!
00:11:07And I'm like,
00:11:08you're right,
00:11:08mommy was mean to daddy.
00:11:11Yeah, I don't know
00:11:14why she won't let daddy
00:11:15drink his special juice
00:11:16before noon.
00:11:20Well, well,
00:11:21maybe daddy wouldn't be
00:11:22so thirsty
00:11:23if mommy touched him
00:11:24more often.
00:11:30But yeah,
00:11:30so I go on stage
00:11:31and my baby's crying.
00:11:32And you know,
00:11:33I love my daughter.
00:11:34I love my daughter.
00:11:35So when I hear those stories
00:11:36where a baby won't stop crying
00:11:37and the mom loses her shit
00:11:39and drives her car
00:11:40until late,
00:11:40like, I just,
00:11:41yeah, I can't,
00:11:42I can't imagine
00:11:43why that's so rare.
00:11:51So I'm on stage,
00:11:52my baby's crying,
00:11:53like super hard.
00:11:53And honestly,
00:11:54my daughter's great.
00:11:54She rarely cries that hard.
00:11:56Like, the only time
00:11:57she really cried
00:11:57was when I had to take her
00:11:58to a doctor
00:11:59to get a couple vaccinations.
00:12:01And after her vaccine,
00:12:02she spent the rest
00:12:02of the day crying.
00:12:04Which was really surprising,
00:12:06because I don't remember
00:12:07it hurting
00:12:07when I got autism.
00:12:16But it was either
00:12:17that or measles,
00:12:18so I chose to let her live.
00:12:19I chose life.
00:12:23And obviously,
00:12:24I'm making fun of that.
00:12:25I don't actually believe
00:12:25that vaccines cause autism.
00:12:27No, I know they do.
00:12:29I feel it in my aorta.
00:12:34Now, I'm being sarcastic,
00:12:35but you know,
00:12:36just to be safe for myself,
00:12:37I've stopped doing vaccinations
00:12:38because of the autism.
00:12:40Cause I don't want to get
00:12:41any more of it.
00:12:44It's good that you laugh there,
00:12:45but it also hurts
00:12:45my feelings a little bit.
00:12:49See, I feel I have
00:12:50just the right amount
00:12:51of autism.
00:12:52which is like having
00:12:55the right amount
00:12:55of alcohol.
00:12:57You know,
00:12:57a little bit
00:12:57and you're fun and focused,
00:12:59but too much
00:13:00and you can't talk.
00:13:06Here's how you know
00:13:06I'm actually on the spectrum.
00:13:09I kept going on and on
00:13:10about that,
00:13:11although most of you
00:13:11were not on board.
00:13:14That is bad social skills.
00:13:19If anyone needs me,
00:13:20I'll be in the corner
00:13:20counting toothpicks.
00:13:26Yeah, I have the kind
00:13:28of autism where you
00:13:28don't think I do
00:13:29until I say it
00:13:30and then you're like,
00:13:30oh, that makes sense.
00:13:36So I get off stage
00:13:37and I take my daughter
00:13:38right away
00:13:39and instantly,
00:13:39as soon as I'm holding her,
00:13:40she stops crying,
00:13:41which is super sweet.
00:13:43You know,
00:13:43so I'm holding my daughter
00:13:44in my arms
00:13:44and I realize
00:13:45I've created this
00:13:46beautiful baby girl
00:13:47as well as four comedy albums
00:13:49and a best-selling book.
00:13:50and when I hold
00:13:59my daughter in my arms,
00:14:00I know without a doubt
00:14:01that of all my creations,
00:14:02she is definitely top five.
00:14:07Have you heard my last album?
00:14:09It's a miracle.
00:14:09Yeah, so I'm holding her
00:14:13and she's calm
00:14:14and my secret to a calm baby
00:14:15is whenever she gets upset,
00:14:16I'll just pick her up
00:14:17and down three times
00:14:18and she's all better.
00:14:19And I wish you could do that
00:14:21with adults, right?
00:14:23Like, she's leaving me,
00:14:24she's taking the house
00:14:25and the kids.
00:14:26and I wish you could do it.
00:14:28And I wish you could do it.
00:14:29Ooh, bubbles.
00:14:34Of course,
00:14:34if this was true,
00:14:36therapists would be
00:14:36out of business
00:14:37and fat people
00:14:38would be inconsolable.
00:14:40I'm sorry, buddy.
00:14:49There's no cure.
00:14:57So I'm holding my daughter
00:14:59in my arms
00:14:59and she's happy now
00:15:00and that's when I realized,
00:15:02that's when I realized,
00:15:03comedy is the only profession
00:15:04where you could be like,
00:15:05hey, watch my kid real quick,
00:15:06I gotta go work for 10 minutes.
00:15:10Yeah, only in comedy
00:15:11can you do that.
00:15:13Yeah, and stripping too.
00:15:15Yeah, definitely,
00:15:16definitely stripping.
00:15:18You know, it's like,
00:15:19why am I grinding
00:15:20to the Sesame Street theme song?
00:15:22Because it helps my baby
00:15:23fall asleep.
00:15:24I just realized
00:15:30I was twerking
00:15:31while saying grinding,
00:15:32but that's because
00:15:33I don't do either,
00:15:35apparently, huh?
00:15:37The best part
00:15:38about being a stripper mom
00:15:39is you could be talking
00:15:42to your baby
00:15:43and the customer
00:15:44at the same time,
00:15:46saying the same thing.
00:15:50And they both think
00:15:52you're only talking today.
00:15:54You know, it's like,
00:15:56who's a big boy?
00:15:57Yes, you are.
00:16:01Here, have a boobie.
00:16:05Oh no, you got it
00:16:06all over mama.
00:16:16I don't know why
00:16:17my stripper voice
00:16:18was deeper than my regular voice.
00:16:23Jobs.
00:16:23By the way,
00:16:24clap if you like your job.
00:16:28Okay, that's
00:16:28a lot of people.
00:16:29This is an undercover boss.
00:16:31You don't have to lie to me
00:16:32or anything.
00:16:33Okay, and then clap
00:16:34if you don't like your job.
00:16:36Okay.
00:16:37Four very honest people.
00:16:39Okay, I like that.
00:16:40Good, good.
00:16:41Is everyone else
00:16:42unemployed or a student?
00:16:43What's going on?
00:16:43I know,
00:16:44I know there's more
00:16:45than 12 people in here.
00:16:49One person enjoyed
00:16:50attendance jokes the most.
00:16:51I never understood
00:16:56why people would go
00:16:57to a job they hate
00:16:58for eight hours
00:16:59every day.
00:17:03Then I had a child.
00:17:09And I love my daughter.
00:17:10I love my daughter,
00:17:11but I love her way more
00:17:12when I haven't seen her
00:17:12for eight days.
00:17:16I miss the soul-sucking
00:17:18quiet of a cubicle.
00:17:24Some people,
00:17:25they compare cubicles
00:17:26to prisons,
00:17:27which I guess makes sense
00:17:28because there's no loud
00:17:29little children in prison.
00:17:31No, just grown men
00:17:33calling each other daddy,
00:17:34but it's different.
00:17:35It's different.
00:17:36It's a fun one
00:17:40to find out
00:17:40who's been to jail.
00:17:41Not as many
00:17:41as I would have expected
00:17:42or who I would have expected.
00:17:44That's fine.
00:17:45That's fine.
00:17:47Yeah, you know,
00:17:48before kids,
00:17:49my wife,
00:17:49she wanted to have two kids
00:17:50and I wanted one.
00:17:52And now that we have one,
00:17:53I want two
00:17:54and my wife wants none.
00:17:58Yeah, before kids,
00:17:59you know,
00:17:59I used to fantasize
00:18:00about doing dirty things
00:18:01with my wife,
00:18:02but not have a baby.
00:18:03You know what I fantasize about?
00:18:05Sleeping through the night.
00:18:07And it's like,
00:18:08do I want to do reverse cowgirl?
00:18:09If it'll help me
00:18:10sleep through the night.
00:18:13Should we have a threesome?
00:18:15Only if everyone promises
00:18:16to go to sleep right after.
00:18:21Should the three day be
00:18:22with my wife and other woman
00:18:24or my wife and other man?
00:18:26It should be where
00:18:27I was going to take care
00:18:27of the baby.
00:18:28so I can sleep
00:18:32through the night.
00:18:34But now having a baby
00:18:35and a family,
00:18:36it's a beautiful thing.
00:18:37Wear a condom.
00:18:38It's so precious.
00:18:42But the thing is,
00:18:42it's turned my wife
00:18:43into a bit of a liar, okay?
00:18:45Because my wife,
00:18:46she used to do this thing
00:18:47where she'd wake me for sex.
00:18:48I mean,
00:18:49not as often as I would want,
00:18:51but often enough
00:18:52to get me to propose.
00:18:57The women have some
00:18:58very knowing laughs right now.
00:19:00Yeah, she used to wake me for sex,
00:19:02but now she does this thing
00:19:03where she acts
00:19:04like she's waking me for sex.
00:19:05She's like,
00:19:06are you up?
00:19:07Are you ready?
00:19:08I'm like, I'm so ready.
00:19:09She's like, good,
00:19:10go check on the baby.
00:19:14I need to sleep
00:19:15through the night.
00:19:18But you know,
00:19:19what if a baby,
00:19:20like you feel more love,
00:19:20you feel more all sorts
00:19:21of emotions.
00:19:22But the thing is,
00:19:23like I'm a man
00:19:23and Russian.
00:19:25Emotions are not my thing.
00:19:26Like, I feel emotions
00:19:28the way a woman
00:19:29feels a small dick.
00:19:35Like, yeah,
00:19:36technically it's inside,
00:19:37but is it?
00:19:41I can't feel anything.
00:19:43Is something wrong with me?
00:19:45Should I get new drapes?
00:19:46Oh, thank God it's over.
00:19:51I thought some men
00:19:52are getting very nervous right now.
00:19:54It's fine.
00:19:56But yeah, you know,
00:19:56you feel all sorts of emotions
00:19:57with a baby.
00:19:58Like, for example,
00:19:59a couple months back,
00:20:00my mom,
00:20:01she was watching the baby
00:20:02while I was home
00:20:03and the baby started crying.
00:20:05So my mom yelled
00:20:06at the baby for crying,
00:20:08which is crazy.
00:20:11So I yelled at my mom
00:20:12for yelling at the baby
00:20:13and my mom started crying.
00:20:19Then my wife yelled
00:20:20at me for yelling
00:20:21at my mom
00:20:22and I started crying.
00:20:26And my wife's never seen me
00:20:27get that emotional before,
00:20:28so she starts crying too.
00:20:32So there we are,
00:20:33we're all standing around
00:20:34sobbing like
00:20:35we just won an Oscar.
00:20:39I look back at the baby,
00:20:40now she's asleep.
00:20:41Like, this is supposed
00:20:43to be a bundle of joy.
00:20:44You know, we're crying,
00:20:45we're screaming,
00:20:46we're at each other's throat.
00:20:47Like, my baby's turned
00:20:48us all against each other.
00:20:50And that's when
00:20:51it dawned on me.
00:20:53My baby's the next Trump.
00:21:00So I got her
00:21:01a Twitter account.
00:21:06And I went to her head
00:21:07because I tried to feed her
00:21:07the next day
00:21:08and she just went,
00:21:08Nat, Nat,
00:21:09that's fake milk.
00:21:10and she was right.
00:21:14It was formula.
00:21:15She was right.
00:21:16The media really was against her.
00:21:20But I know,
00:21:21we're lucky that
00:21:21all our parents,
00:21:22both our parents
00:21:23still watched the baby.
00:21:24And a little while back,
00:21:25my dad watched the baby
00:21:26and he did a great job.
00:21:27But when I came back,
00:21:29the baby was sleeping
00:21:29in the middle of his bed
00:21:31surrounded by pillows.
00:21:32Most of you seem to know,
00:21:36a few of you who don't,
00:21:37pillows suffocate babies.
00:21:39And a little backstory,
00:21:41back when my daughter
00:21:42was like a month old,
00:21:43my dad drove her.
00:21:44But instead of putting
00:21:44the seatbelt on the car seat,
00:21:46he put the seatbelt
00:21:46on her neck.
00:21:50Yeah, which is very dangerous
00:21:51and completely ineffective.
00:21:54You know,
00:21:54like putting the seatbelt
00:21:55on the neck
00:21:55instead of a car seat,
00:21:57that's like putting
00:21:57the condom on the balls
00:21:58instead of a shower.
00:22:02Which is how I have a baby.
00:22:07I practice safe teabagging.
00:22:08I love that the older people
00:22:14up front laugh the hardest
00:22:15on teabagging out of anyone.
00:22:17That's how you keep shit fresh.
00:22:18I like that, sir.
00:22:19I like that.
00:22:20That's good.
00:22:25So yeah, you know,
00:22:26when the seatbelt thing happened,
00:22:27I yelled at my dad
00:22:28and he said if I yell again,
00:22:29he won't watch the baby anymore.
00:22:31So back to the pillow suffocation,
00:22:33I learned my lesson.
00:22:34So I just said very calmly,
00:22:35I'm like,
00:22:35hey, for next time,
00:22:37please don't put pillows
00:22:38around the baby.
00:22:39It's dangerous.
00:22:40That's all I said,
00:22:41but he still got upset.
00:22:42And like, look,
00:22:43I understand when I talk
00:22:44all monotone,
00:22:45I give off serial killer vibes.
00:22:48I get that.
00:22:51I mean, like I've tried yelling,
00:22:52I've tried begging,
00:22:53I've tried whispering.
00:22:54My dad just won't listen to me.
00:22:56So the only thing left to do
00:22:58is poison him.
00:23:04In Russia,
00:23:05when you call poison control,
00:23:06they answer the phone with,
00:23:08oh no,
00:23:09you're still alive.
00:23:22Thank you for reporting product defect.
00:23:24Stay where you are
00:23:33or we'll send someone
00:23:34to finish job.
00:23:40If you're ever in Russia
00:23:41and the government's after you,
00:23:42maybe because you told
00:23:43too many poison jokes,
00:23:45if you're in Russia
00:23:46and the government's after you,
00:23:47the only safe place to eat
00:23:48is McDonald's.
00:23:50Because the workers are like,
00:23:52there's no need to listen
00:23:53to President Putin
00:23:54and poison him.
00:23:55Our food is poison enough.
00:23:58Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.
00:24:00I'm drugging it.
00:24:04And see,
00:24:05my family,
00:24:05we came to this country
00:24:06when I was a little kid
00:24:07because my dad didn't think
00:24:09I was tough enough
00:24:10to make him the Russian army.
00:24:12That laugh hurt.
00:24:13You're not nice right there.
00:24:14That's not the funny part.
00:24:15You're very mean.
00:24:18Yeah, like, see,
00:24:19once as a toddler,
00:24:20I skinned my knee
00:24:20and started crying.
00:24:22And my dad was like,
00:24:23he can't even pedal tricycle.
00:24:25He'll never be able
00:24:33to wipe out
00:24:34whole village.
00:24:41Yeah, when we came to America,
00:24:42my dad said
00:24:43I could never learn violin
00:24:44or kickboxing.
00:24:46I said violin,
00:24:47so my dad goes,
00:24:48okay, lesson one.
00:24:50Boom.
00:24:53Violinists get bullied.
00:24:55First, learn kickboxing.
00:25:10So for the next two years,
00:25:11my dad paid a grown man
00:25:12to fight me in my basement.
00:25:17It was like Fight Club
00:25:18where it turned out
00:25:19the guy hitting me
00:25:20the whole time
00:25:20was my dad.
00:25:21That's why the first rule
00:25:25of Fight Club
00:25:26is you do not talk
00:25:26about Fight Club
00:25:27to child services.
00:25:34So my dad and his wife
00:25:36they have this cat
00:25:36that I'm horribly allergic to.
00:25:39Yeah, I'm allergic to this cat
00:25:40and, you know,
00:25:41whenever I come over
00:25:42my dad refuses to lock
00:25:43the cat in the bedroom
00:25:44because what if he has
00:25:46to go to bathroom?
00:25:48And I'm like,
00:25:48just put the litter box
00:25:49in the bedroom.
00:25:50And my dad says,
00:25:51no, he'll get confused.
00:25:55And I'm like,
00:25:56just tell me you don't love me.
00:26:03That is one person
00:26:04with a fractured relationship
00:26:05with their dad
00:26:06that really enjoyed that one.
00:26:07That was.
00:26:08That was.
00:26:11But I, yeah,
00:26:11so, you know,
00:26:12I have tried,
00:26:13I've tried taking
00:26:1324-hour Claritin
00:26:15and it helped
00:26:15but 12 hours later
00:26:17my dad's wife gave me
00:26:18a second 24-hour Claritin.
00:26:20Yeah, and I got so sleepy
00:26:22I almost fell asleep
00:26:23while driving.
00:26:25Like, I'm pretty sure
00:26:26the cat paid the wife
00:26:27to kill me.
00:26:30Here's how you know
00:26:31you're a loser
00:26:31is when your best
00:26:32drug overdose story
00:26:33is about Claritin.
00:26:34But Claritin's no joke.
00:26:41Like, you know,
00:26:41like, Claritin,
00:26:41if overdosing on Claritin
00:26:42makes you so sleepy
00:26:43it should be called
00:26:44the low-budget Bill Cosby.
00:26:48That joke was sponsored
00:26:49by Zyrtec.
00:26:52But yeah,
00:26:52every time I come over
00:26:53to my dad's place
00:26:54this cat comes right up to me.
00:26:55My dad picks him up,
00:26:56brings him to the other side
00:26:57of the house
00:26:58and the cat comes
00:26:58right back at me.
00:27:00This cat will not be stopped.
00:27:02Like Harvey Weinstein.
00:27:04I knew the second time
00:27:07would be too much
00:27:07but I pushed it on you anyway.
00:27:10Like Kevin Spacey.
00:27:16But yeah, you know,
00:27:17because my dad's Russian
00:27:18he's like super paranoid
00:27:19about the government.
00:27:20So whenever we talk
00:27:21on the phone
00:27:22we have to use
00:27:22super secret code words.
00:27:25So when he says
00:27:26the raft is in the ocean
00:27:28that means he moved
00:27:31the money offshore.
00:27:32And when he says
00:27:36I like Igor
00:27:37that means
00:27:38don't trust Igor.
00:27:41Or if he says
00:27:42don't trust Igor
00:27:43that means
00:27:44don't trust Igor.
00:27:46You should never trust
00:27:47anyone named Igor.
00:27:48If you remember
00:27:48nothing else from tonight
00:27:49that is a very good
00:27:50life skill.
00:27:54Or you know,
00:27:54if my dad says
00:27:55we're all going to die
00:27:57that means
00:27:58I love you.
00:28:02And if he says
00:28:03I love you
00:28:04that means Igor's
00:28:05in the ocean.
00:28:07Probably from poison.
00:28:11But immigrants,
00:28:12we have been getting
00:28:13a bad rap lately.
00:28:15But I don't know
00:28:15if you know
00:28:16about immigrants
00:28:16we actually commit
00:28:17fewer crimes
00:28:18than people born in America.
00:28:20Yeah, that's right.
00:28:21We finally found
00:28:22something
00:28:22that Americans
00:28:23can do better
00:28:24than immigrants.
00:28:28I don't think
00:28:29it's because
00:28:29immigrants are more
00:28:29law-abiding.
00:28:30No, I just think
00:28:31it's really hard
00:28:31to rob someone
00:28:32when they can't
00:28:33understand
00:28:33what the hell
00:28:34you're saying.
00:28:37You know,
00:28:37it's like
00:28:38give me your bunny.
00:28:41Look kids,
00:28:41it's an angry magician.
00:28:45Of course,
00:28:46an enterprising immigrant,
00:28:47they can have a gun
00:28:47in one hand
00:28:48and a phone
00:28:49with Google
00:28:49translate in the other.
00:28:52Then they'd be like,
00:28:52give me your money,
00:28:56bitch.
00:29:00Just not as intimidating.
00:29:04I don't know
00:29:05the other immigrants
00:29:05in the crowd,
00:29:06but whenever people
00:29:07find out I wasn't
00:29:07born in America,
00:29:08they always say
00:29:09the same thing.
00:29:10They're like,
00:29:10you know you can't
00:29:11be president, right?
00:29:12But you could
00:29:13be vice president.
00:29:15I feel like
00:29:16that's the only thing
00:29:17some Americans
00:29:17know about immigrants.
00:29:21Well, that and that
00:29:22some immigrants
00:29:22think deodorant
00:29:23is optional.
00:29:27I'm not naming
00:29:28nationalities.
00:29:30Indians
00:29:31make great doctors.
00:29:35Why did you guys
00:29:36laugh at that?
00:29:36Oh, did you think
00:29:37I was...
00:29:38That is messed up.
00:29:40Everyone knows
00:29:41it's Pakistanis
00:29:42who make great doctors.
00:29:45See, Russians,
00:29:47Russians,
00:29:48we smell great
00:29:48because when we run
00:29:49out of deodorant,
00:29:50we use vodka.
00:29:52It kills all the
00:29:53smelly bacteria.
00:29:55And when we run
00:29:55out of vodka,
00:29:57we drink deodorant.
00:30:00Psst, psst, psst,
00:30:01psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.
00:30:02Tastes like vanilla.
00:30:05So recently,
00:30:05I'm in the car
00:30:06with a new
00:30:06or a friend of mine,
00:30:07and for the first time
00:30:08I mentioned
00:30:08I'm foreign born.
00:30:09And right away
00:30:10he goes,
00:30:10you know you can't
00:30:11be president, right?
00:30:13And I'm like,
00:30:14it's not like
00:30:14you're one step away
00:30:15from being elected either.
00:30:20You're the one
00:30:21driving this Uber.
00:30:26Now take me to the pharmacy,
00:30:27I'm out of vodka.
00:30:28Oh, sure it is.
00:30:31So recently I was driving
00:30:33and I hit a car,
00:30:34I hit a BMW.
00:30:36Totally my fault
00:30:37in front of witnesses.
00:30:40And luckily nobody's injured.
00:30:42And it turns out
00:30:43I hit a Chinese couple
00:30:44on a dealership test drive.
00:30:48It gets better
00:30:49because right away
00:30:49the dealer comes out
00:30:50and he's like,
00:30:50my friend,
00:30:51let's not call the cops,
00:30:52just follow me
00:30:52to the dealership.
00:30:53And I'm like,
00:30:55yeah,
00:30:55motherfuck the police.
00:30:57fucking with me
00:30:58because I'm a teenager
00:30:59with a little bit of gold
00:31:00and a pager.
00:31:03I'll stop, sorry.
00:31:06I realize NWA lyrics
00:31:08for me sound
00:31:09straight out of Connecticut.
00:31:10I know, I know.
00:31:12So we go to the dealership
00:31:14and it turns out
00:31:15it's not a BMW dealership,
00:31:16but it's K's Used Cars.
00:31:20Where cars is spelled
00:31:21with a K
00:31:22for quality.
00:31:27also with a K.
00:31:32So this is where
00:31:33I learned
00:31:33that this Chinese guy
00:31:34is new to America,
00:31:35doesn't have car insurance,
00:31:37and K's Cars claims,
00:31:39KKK,
00:31:40that they only have
00:31:43car insurance
00:31:43when a car is on the lot.
00:31:45So now this car accident
00:31:46is no longer my fault
00:31:48because it's way more legal
00:31:49to drive without car insurance
00:31:51than it is to make
00:31:53a U-turn
00:31:53through 12 lanes
00:31:54of traffic.
00:31:57Yeah, I used to think
00:31:58I could only do
00:31:58a U-turn
00:31:59through one lane
00:31:59of traffic.
00:32:01But thanks to
00:32:01self-help books
00:32:02and the power
00:32:03of positive thinking,
00:32:03now I can do
00:32:0912 lanes
00:32:09and a divider.
00:32:12Because dividers
00:32:13are just barriers
00:32:14to our dreams.
00:32:18Like, do you understand?
00:32:19I went through
00:32:19this whole range
00:32:20of emotion
00:32:20from the panic
00:32:21of getting caught
00:32:22red-handed
00:32:22to the relief
00:32:24of getting away
00:32:24with it scot-free.
00:32:26So now,
00:32:28I know how O.J. Simpson
00:32:29felt after the acquittal.
00:32:32Do you understand
00:32:33the irony?
00:32:33I'm such a bad driver,
00:32:35I hit an Asian person.
00:32:39But Asians are so bad
00:32:41at driving,
00:32:41it was still their fault.
00:32:45USA.
00:32:48So I guess
00:32:49the moral of the story
00:32:50is whenever I'm rolling,
00:32:51keep looking in the mirror
00:32:52and ears on cue yo
00:32:53so I can hear ya.
00:32:56You have no idea
00:32:57how hard it was
00:32:58to find two NWA lyrics
00:32:59that a guy as white as me
00:33:02could say out loud.
00:33:04The struggle is real.
00:33:07But yeah,
00:33:07so after that,
00:33:08like, you know,
00:33:08I don't like driving,
00:33:09I hate driving,
00:33:10so I try to take
00:33:10public transit
00:33:11as much as possible.
00:33:13And I don't know
00:33:13about you,
00:33:13but whenever I'm
00:33:14on a crowded bus
00:33:15or train,
00:33:16and whenever it's crowded
00:33:17and I see a gross person
00:33:18sitting in a seat
00:33:19and they get up,
00:33:20I won't sit in that seat.
00:33:22Although I know,
00:33:23logically,
00:33:24at some point,
00:33:24a gross person
00:33:25has sat in every seat
00:33:26of the entire transit system.
00:33:30Hell,
00:33:31that's probably true
00:33:31of any public space.
00:33:33A gross person
00:33:33might have sat in your seat
00:33:34at some point.
00:33:36They might be sitting
00:33:36there right now.
00:33:42So a couple months back,
00:33:44I'm sitting on a crowded train.
00:33:45I get up
00:33:46and I notice
00:33:47no one took my seat.
00:33:52I was like,
00:33:53I gotta turn
00:33:53my life around.
00:33:57I showered,
00:33:58my clothing's normal.
00:33:59Can they see my soul?
00:34:03So I stopped
00:34:04taking public transit.
00:34:06And now I take Ubers.
00:34:08Do we Uber
00:34:08or just drunk drive?
00:34:09What are we doing in here?
00:34:11Little above,
00:34:12drunk drive.
00:34:13See,
00:34:14I feel like
00:34:14when you get in an Uber,
00:34:15there's a certain etiquette,
00:34:16right?
00:34:17Like, you know,
00:34:17I chat for a minute,
00:34:19then I put in my headphones
00:34:20and text my wife,
00:34:21oh my God,
00:34:21my driver won't stop
00:34:22talking.
00:34:24Which is similar
00:34:25to my post-sex etiquette.
00:34:28I chat for a minute,
00:34:30then text my Uber driver,
00:34:31oh my God,
00:34:31my wife won't stop talking.
00:34:35So a little while back,
00:34:37I was having such a good
00:34:38conversation with my Uber driver
00:34:39that I felt rude
00:34:40putting in my headphones.
00:34:42Have you had this happen?
00:34:44One very emphatic no.
00:34:46Okay.
00:34:47Well, it's fine
00:34:48when it's like a 10-minute drive,
00:34:49but this was a two-hour drive
00:34:51from the airport
00:34:52to a gig.
00:34:53And I was in the middle
00:34:53of the Game of Thrones finale.
00:34:56And then an out of his drive,
00:34:57my Uber gets into a car crash.
00:35:00Yeah, luckily nobody's injured.
00:35:02And even better,
00:35:03now I don't have to give
00:35:04the driver a tip.
00:35:06Not to be a Jew,
00:35:07but it walks like a duck
00:35:10and talks like a duck.
00:35:11But Chayim, everyone.
00:35:13Chayim.
00:35:15So as the cop fills out paperwork,
00:35:17me and the driver
00:35:18have even more to talk about.
00:35:19So I still can't put in
00:35:21my headphones.
00:35:22Hey, whenever I'm talking
00:35:23to an Uber driver
00:35:24or a coffee barista,
00:35:25I always take out one headphone
00:35:27because I'm not rude.
00:35:28But I keep the other one in
00:35:29because I still want this to end.
00:35:35Oh, by the way,
00:35:36have you ever taken Uber
00:35:37from the scene of a car accident
00:35:39with your old Uber?
00:35:42I imagine it's like
00:35:43having your new spouse
00:35:44pick you up from the funeral
00:35:45of your old spouse.
00:35:46The new one's going to be careful.
00:35:52So that's where it gets
00:35:54controversial in the back.
00:35:55Welcome to the show, everyone.
00:35:56Welcome.
00:35:58Sitting at the first 30 minutes.
00:36:00Now you're like,
00:36:00okay, now we're invested.
00:36:03So as I'm about to call the new Uber,
00:36:05the cop offers me a ride.
00:36:07And I'm thinking, great,
00:36:07I can finally put in my headphones.
00:36:10But this cop,
00:36:11she starts chatting me up.
00:36:12She asks me where I'm headed.
00:36:13And I tell her,
00:36:14I'm going to go perform
00:36:14for Russian Jews
00:36:15who are really bad laughers.
00:36:17So honestly,
00:36:18I'd never be back
00:36:19at the car accident.
00:36:22Like, you know,
00:36:23usually when Russians watch me,
00:36:25they just nod but don't laugh.
00:36:30Like, true, but why funny?
00:36:38Wife talk too much after sex,
00:36:40your point?
00:36:40Two drink minimum.
00:36:46What is this, preschool?
00:36:53I came to watch play,
00:36:54not put the baby to sleep.
00:36:58Like, the last time I performed
00:37:00for Russian Jews,
00:37:00it actually started out really well.
00:37:02Better than this, even.
00:37:03Now, everyone's laughing.
00:37:08And one guy,
00:37:09he's laughing and clapping,
00:37:10so I think I'm doing
00:37:10extra well with him.
00:37:12Turns out,
00:37:13there was a fly.
00:37:15He was...
00:37:15killing a fly.
00:37:19And then there was
00:37:19this other lady
00:37:20in the front row,
00:37:21she was laughing
00:37:22while saying,
00:37:22stop it,
00:37:23and continuing to laugh.
00:37:24She was like,
00:37:28ha, ha, ha, stop it,
00:37:29ha, ha, ha.
00:37:32And I told her,
00:37:34this is why men
00:37:35get confused sometimes.
00:37:39Please don't protest me.
00:37:43But yeah, my point is,
00:37:44you guys are a fantastic audience,
00:37:45but sometimes I perform
00:37:46for people that make me wish
00:37:48I was back at the car accident.
00:37:51So, you know,
00:37:52the cop, she gives me a ride,
00:37:53but not to the gig,
00:37:54it was too far away.
00:37:55She drops me off
00:37:55at the closest Tim Hortons,
00:37:57which is like a Canadian
00:37:58Dunkin' Donuts.
00:37:59And at Tim Hortons,
00:38:01I eat five donuts,
00:38:03because I just cheated deaf,
00:38:04so I'm no longer afraid
00:38:05of saturated fat.
00:38:08Yeah, Tim Hortons,
00:38:09it's named after
00:38:09a Canadian hockey player
00:38:11who died in a car crash.
00:38:14No joke there,
00:38:15just an ironic Snapple fact.
00:38:20So I eat my donuts,
00:38:21get in my new Uber,
00:38:22the driver asks me
00:38:23how my day's going.
00:38:25And as I'm in the middle
00:38:26of telling him
00:38:26this whole story,
00:38:28he puts in his headphones.
00:38:35So I poisoned him.
00:38:43In Russia,
00:38:44you can tell how big time
00:38:45of a politician you are
00:38:46based on what method
00:38:47they use to kill you.
00:38:48You know, like a gun
00:38:49to the back of the head,
00:38:50you're a basic bitch.
00:38:53But if they use polonium-210
00:38:55from some secret underground lab,
00:38:57you could have been
00:38:58the next Russian president.
00:39:00Your kids will be bragging
00:39:01to your grandkids,
00:39:03Grandpa got the Rolls Royce
00:39:05of poison.
00:39:07One day,
00:39:08they'll write
00:39:09the hip hop musical
00:39:10about him.
00:39:14That's right,
00:39:14this is the closest
00:39:15you're going to get
00:39:15to seeing Hamilton tonight.
00:39:17I just saved you $400.
00:39:19You are welcome.
00:39:20You are welcome.
00:39:22But you should know,
00:39:23I feel you're learning
00:39:24lots about Russians.
00:39:25You should know,
00:39:26there's two types of Russians.
00:39:27There's like the lawyer,
00:39:28engineer, hacker,
00:39:30usually Russian Jews
00:39:31like me.
00:39:32And then there's
00:39:33the Russian for
00:39:33when you need a kidney
00:39:34and you're not on the list.
00:39:39That guy is useful.
00:39:42He'll get you like
00:39:43four kidneys
00:39:43and a loaf of bread.
00:39:47Four kidneys
00:39:48and a loaf of bread.
00:39:49That's a sandwich
00:39:50you can't get at Quiznos.
00:39:54Maybe Kwiznovsky's.
00:39:56Not a real place,
00:39:57please don't look it up
00:39:58on your phone.
00:39:59I am on my phone
00:40:01too much though.
00:40:02Anyone else
00:40:02willing to admit?
00:40:04Yeah, some sad hand raises.
00:40:06And some of you
00:40:07on your phone right now
00:40:08is what this feels like.
00:40:10Yeah, I'm on my phone
00:40:11too much,
00:40:11but I'm trying to be better.
00:40:12You know, like I'm reading
00:40:13a book called
00:40:13Digital Minimalism
00:40:15about using my phone less.
00:40:17But I'm reading it
00:40:18on a Kindle.
00:40:19It's a lateral move.
00:40:23But if I really wanted
00:40:24to use my phone less,
00:40:25I'd move to someplace
00:40:26that limits data
00:40:27like Cuba
00:40:28or T-Mobile.
00:40:35The other week,
00:40:36I'm walking down the street.
00:40:37I see a guy
00:40:38in a phone booth.
00:40:39I'm like,
00:40:39oh, you're using
00:40:40a pay phone.
00:40:41You must be a fugitive
00:40:42or T-Mobile customer.
00:40:47He says,
00:40:48no, I just need
00:40:48a quiet place
00:40:49to do drugs.
00:40:51Please don't call the cops.
00:40:54I'm like,
00:40:54don't worry,
00:40:55I have T-Mobile.
00:40:56I can't call the cops.
00:41:02I'm concerned.
00:41:04I'm afraid that,
00:41:04you know,
00:41:05I'm always on my phone
00:41:05that I'm afraid
00:41:06I'm going to leave
00:41:07my daughter somewhere
00:41:08because I'm always
00:41:08checking the thing.
00:41:09Like, here's how bad
00:41:10my addiction's gotten.
00:41:11I wake up in the morning.
00:41:13First thing I do,
00:41:13I check on my phone.
00:41:15Then an hour later,
00:41:16I check on my baby
00:41:17using my phone's
00:41:19Wi-Fi camera
00:41:20when we live
00:41:22in a studio.
00:41:25And my baby's
00:41:26addicted too.
00:41:27You know,
00:41:27she's a year old,
00:41:27so she's saying
00:41:28little words like
00:41:29hi and bye.
00:41:29And she thinks
00:41:30any rectangular object
00:41:31is a phone.
00:41:32Like, she'll pick up
00:41:32my wallet,
00:41:33hi.
00:41:34Remote control,
00:41:35hi.
00:41:35Ice cream sandwich,
00:41:37hi.
00:41:38The only thing
00:41:39she picks up
00:41:40and doesn't say
00:41:40hi into
00:41:41is my phone
00:41:41because I have
00:41:42T-Mobile.
00:41:46So to keep
00:41:47my daughter safe,
00:41:48what I've started doing,
00:41:49now I keep my cell phone
00:41:50around my daughter's neck
00:41:51because that way
00:41:54I won't forget her
00:41:55in a hot car
00:41:56because I'm not
00:42:00going to leave
00:42:01without my cell phone.
00:42:04I'm just like,
00:42:05oh no, my baby.
00:42:11Plus, keeping my cell phone
00:42:13around her neck,
00:42:14it builds her neck muscles.
00:42:16So if someone else
00:42:17leaves her in a hot car,
00:42:18she'll be able
00:42:19to headbutt her way out.
00:42:22Yeah, I'm training
00:42:23a survivor.
00:42:25And I mean, sure,
00:42:26look, keeping my phone
00:42:27around her neck
00:42:27in the back seat,
00:42:28yeah, of course,
00:42:29it makes it harder
00:42:29for me to text and drive,
00:42:31but I manage,
00:42:35you know.
00:42:37The key is to just
00:42:38not look for a couple seconds
00:42:39and believe in God,
00:42:40that's all.
00:42:41I like that most of you
00:42:45get this
00:42:46and some of you
00:42:46are horrified right now.
00:42:48Again, this isn't literal.
00:42:49I only play a sociopath
00:42:50on stage.
00:42:52I'm saying horrible things
00:42:53to make fun
00:42:54of horrible things.
00:42:55I think by now
00:42:56you understand
00:42:57that I have a good heart
00:42:58for sale on Russian eBay.
00:43:00I am a good person.
00:43:05But yeah, you know,
00:43:06like I'm always on my phone,
00:43:08but I hate actually
00:43:08talking on the phone.
00:43:10I think it's because
00:43:10I'm a millennial.
00:43:11I find it very intrusive.
00:43:13Like, if I ever worked
00:43:14at a suicide hotline
00:43:15and someone called me up
00:43:18like,
00:43:18I want to end it,
00:43:20I'd say,
00:43:21you could have just
00:43:22texted me that.
00:43:26If you call me again,
00:43:27I'll kill you.
00:43:28I realize this is getting
00:43:35too dark for some of you
00:43:36right now,
00:43:36but this is hilarious
00:43:37in Russia, okay?
00:43:40You need to be more
00:43:41sensitive to my culture.
00:43:44They've actually done studies
00:43:46where the birth of your first child
00:43:48decreases your happiness
00:43:49more than unemployment,
00:43:52divorce,
00:43:52or death of a spouse.
00:43:55Yeah, so you know,
00:43:56you're supposed to baby-proof
00:43:57the home by covering
00:43:58electrical sockets,
00:43:59closing bleach bottles,
00:44:00and hiding sharp objects.
00:44:02Turns out,
00:44:03it's for you.
00:44:10It's a dark one,
00:44:11but a fun one.
00:44:12So, why not?
00:44:15We can decide.
00:44:16I'll let you decide.
00:44:17Do you want to hear
00:44:17dark jokes or Disney jokes?
00:44:18Yell it out.
00:44:19Dark or Disney?
00:44:20Dark!
00:44:21This is dark.
00:44:22Sounded like 15 to 1
00:44:23for dark and one nice lady.
00:44:25Please, Disney, please.
00:44:26I can't take anymore.
00:44:29All right, we'll go with dark,
00:44:30but dark wins.
00:44:31But from now on,
00:44:32you guys can't hold back
00:44:33because you chose this.
00:44:35And for those of you
00:44:35who stayed quiet,
00:44:36this was your Me Too moment
00:44:37and you blew it.
00:44:38In this political climate,
00:44:43I refuse to hug my daughter
00:44:45until she's old enough
00:44:46to give her verbal consent.
00:44:55The other day,
00:44:56I'm alone with her.
00:44:56She has a dirty diaper.
00:44:58I say,
00:44:58do I have your permission
00:44:59to touch you and change it?
00:45:02She goes,
00:45:02pfft.
00:45:08I'm like,
00:45:11I guess you're sitting in it then.
00:45:14Because yeah,
00:45:15sometimes my daughter,
00:45:16she'll stick out her arms,
00:45:17but I can't be certain
00:45:18what she wants.
00:45:20Later on,
00:45:21later on,
00:45:22I won't be able
00:45:22to defend myself
00:45:23if no, no, no,
00:45:24you're on or
00:45:24you don't understand.
00:45:26She was sucking her thumb,
00:45:27so she was practically
00:45:28asking for it.
00:45:30No!
00:45:32You guys want it dark?
00:45:34It's getting fucking dark.
00:45:35You do this to yourself.
00:45:36I'm pretty sure
00:45:41that whoever invented
00:45:42the martini shaker
00:45:43must have had
00:45:44a small child at home.
00:45:50They were like,
00:45:50I just need a way
00:45:51to get out
00:45:52all this aggression.
00:45:55Now,
00:45:56where did I put
00:45:56that martini shaker?
00:46:02It's my favorite joke
00:46:03right now.
00:46:06Do you want to hear
00:46:06the darkest thing
00:46:07I ever said?
00:46:09About four people.
00:46:11I like how two minutes ago,
00:46:1212 people were like,
00:46:12woo, darkness!
00:46:14And three jokes into dark,
00:46:15you're like,
00:46:15maybe we made
00:46:16a horrible mistake.
00:46:21So my wife,
00:46:22she was super excited
00:46:22to find out
00:46:23we were having a girl
00:46:24because she thought
00:46:25that meant we'd save money
00:46:26on the circumcision.
00:46:32And I was like,
00:46:33what are you talking about?
00:46:35Now we've got to pay
00:46:36for a flight
00:46:36to the Middle East
00:46:37or Africa?
00:46:37That is...
00:46:38Way more expensive.
00:46:51And obviously,
00:46:52I don't condone that.
00:46:53That's not my culture.
00:46:53I don't condone it.
00:46:54I'm just raising awareness.
00:46:57I feel most of you
00:46:58don't think
00:46:58that raised awareness.
00:47:01Well, guess what?
00:47:03Neither do any
00:47:03of your Facebook posts.
00:47:09That was my touchdown dance.
00:47:11It raised awareness
00:47:12for not raising awareness.
00:47:16I feel like
00:47:17some of you are regretting
00:47:18that we chose dark right now.
00:47:20But I'm going to do
00:47:20the one Disney joke I have
00:47:22and then you'll see
00:47:22you made a good decision.
00:47:28Some of you might be thinking
00:47:29this voting was rigged.
00:47:31You might also be correct.
00:47:33Welcome to America.
00:47:37That was the line.
00:47:38The circumcision joke,
00:47:39you're like,
00:47:39okay, that's a fun one,
00:47:41but American voting,
00:47:42you've gone too far.
00:47:43I've only been a dad
00:47:47for a little over a year
00:47:48and already I'm making
00:47:49terrible dad jokes.
00:47:51Like sometimes my daughter,
00:47:52she'll get the hiccups
00:47:53and I'll be like,
00:47:53oh no, you have the hiccups.
00:47:55Those are the worst
00:47:56kind of cups.
00:48:01Except A cups.
00:48:02I don't make the rules,
00:48:08everyone.
00:48:08That's just society.
00:48:13Other times,
00:48:13other times my daughter,
00:48:14she'll be asleep.
00:48:15She'll be asleep
00:48:16and wake up with a startle.
00:48:19And I go,
00:48:19oh no,
00:48:20you're having baby mares
00:48:21and you're not even a horse.
00:48:27I know,
00:48:28I'm not proud of myself.
00:48:29I'm sorry.
00:48:29I'm not proud of myself.
00:48:32In my defense,
00:48:33these jokes are still
00:48:34in their infancy.
00:48:39You're right,
00:48:39you're right.
00:48:40I should just go home
00:48:40and assemble an Ikea shelf.
00:48:42I know.
00:48:43But yeah,
00:48:44my daughter,
00:48:44she'll be sleeping.
00:48:45She'll have a baby mare.
00:48:46Wake up,
00:48:47see me
00:48:48and realize
00:48:48this isn't a nightmare.
00:48:50This is reality.
00:48:52This guy's actually my dad.
00:48:55And then she really
00:48:56starts crying.
00:48:57But you know,
00:49:02my wife and I
00:49:03were actually,
00:49:03my wife and I
00:49:04were both Jewish.
00:49:05And before we try
00:49:05to have a kid,
00:49:06we have to take a DNA test
00:49:07to make sure we don't have
00:49:09any Jewish genetic conditions.
00:49:11And the way the test works
00:49:12is the doctor
00:49:13takes some blood,
00:49:14sends it to a lab,
00:49:15and you get a bill.
00:49:16And if you don't argue
00:49:21to Bill,
00:49:22you don't have the disease.
00:49:29Because you're not Jewish.
00:49:37I'm excited to have a,
00:49:38you know,
00:49:38I'm excited to be a dad,
00:49:39but like,
00:49:40if I'm being honest,
00:49:41I'm also nervous and scared,
00:49:42you know,
00:49:43because being a parent's forever.
00:49:44Like,
00:49:45what if I stopped liking it
00:49:46in a few years?
00:49:48I can't just
00:49:49put my daughter
00:49:50on Craigslist.
00:49:52Like,
00:49:53she's some used furniture.
00:49:55Now,
00:49:55only a sociopath
00:49:56would do such a thing.
00:49:59It would make
00:49:59for a great post,
00:50:00though.
00:50:03Right?
00:50:03Think about that
00:50:04for sale ad,
00:50:05like,
00:50:05white baby,
00:50:07barely used,
00:50:10mint condition,
00:50:12upscale Jewish brand,
00:50:13$10,000
00:50:16or best offer.
00:50:18But you can't do that,
00:50:19right?
00:50:19No,
00:50:19this isn't Russia.
00:50:23Well,
00:50:23not yet.
00:50:26That's right,
00:50:27any day now,
00:50:28it is happening,
00:50:28any day.
00:50:31Oh,
00:50:31God,
00:50:32indeed.
00:50:32I feel like you guys
00:50:33are getting offended on this.
00:50:34You know,
00:50:34I'm making jokes,
00:50:35but we're all on the same team,
00:50:36everyone.
00:50:37Team Putin,
00:50:38it's all one team.
00:50:39But my daughter,
00:50:42she's actually
00:50:43an anchor baby.
00:50:45Not because I don't
00:50:46have citizenship.
00:50:47No,
00:50:47but because she's
00:50:48weighing us down
00:50:48financially.
00:50:53She is very adorable
00:50:54dead weight.
00:50:59And I can't,
00:50:59you know,
00:51:00I can't afford
00:51:00to take my daughter
00:51:01to Disneyland,
00:51:02so what I do instead,
00:51:04I send her through
00:51:04to Car Wash.
00:51:05Windows up,
00:51:11it's a better version
00:51:11of the teacups.
00:51:13Windows down,
00:51:14it's the log ride.
00:51:18She comes out
00:51:19in a car wash.
00:51:20A bunch of guys
00:51:21dry off the car.
00:51:22She's surrounded
00:51:23by a group of men.
00:51:25It's the Tower of Terror.
00:51:28It's a very
00:51:29pro-feminist joke
00:51:30if you think about it.
00:51:32But I,
00:51:33you know,
00:51:33recently I was complaining
00:51:34to a single friend of mine
00:51:35that nowadays
00:51:35a good baby stroller
00:51:37costs over $800.
00:51:40And my friend goes,
00:51:41oh,
00:51:41why don't you just
00:51:41get a cheap stroller
00:51:43and an expensive helmet?
00:51:51So my friend
00:51:52will not be babysitting
00:51:53until we buy the helmet.
00:51:58And the same friend,
00:51:59when my wife was pregnant,
00:52:00he asked us
00:52:01did we want a boy
00:52:01or a girl?
00:52:02And I answered,
00:52:03honestly,
00:52:03I said a boy.
00:52:04And my friend goes,
00:52:05you should just
00:52:06want to be healthy.
00:52:08And I was like,
00:52:09did you just set me up
00:52:10so you could feel
00:52:12like a good person?
00:52:14So after that,
00:52:15whenever someone would ask
00:52:15if we want a boy
00:52:16or a girl,
00:52:16I'd answer in code.
00:52:18I'd say,
00:52:18I want to be healthy
00:52:19and pee standing up.
00:52:26It's a very slow roller
00:52:27for some reason.
00:52:28everyone enjoyed it,
00:52:30but at a different time.
00:52:34But you know,
00:52:34as a man,
00:52:35as a man,
00:52:35like having a daughter,
00:52:36I love my daughter,
00:52:37but like as a man
00:52:37having a girl,
00:52:38like it has me
00:52:38seeing things
00:52:39I never noticed before.
00:52:41Like I never realized
00:52:42how in our society,
00:52:44how important
00:52:45it is to be pretty.
00:52:47Like regardless
00:52:47of your politics,
00:52:48you have to admit
00:52:49if Hillary Clinton
00:52:50looked like
00:52:50Scarlett Johansson,
00:52:52no one give a damn
00:52:53about her emails.
00:52:54They'd be like,
00:52:56oh my God,
00:52:57she emails?
00:52:58She's just like us.
00:53:02And she set up
00:53:03her own server?
00:53:03She's so smart.
00:53:12Yeah, you know,
00:53:13when my wife was pregnant,
00:53:14we took a bourbon class
00:53:16and we failed it.
00:53:19But at least
00:53:20I didn't need a class
00:53:21on how to get my wife pregnant.
00:53:22What's up?
00:53:24That was the worst
00:53:25high five we've ever,
00:53:26I've ever done in my life.
00:53:27Let's try that again.
00:53:28There you go.
00:53:29Yeah, I didn't like
00:53:30this bourbon class.
00:53:31Like at one point
00:53:32the instructor said,
00:53:33birth is a marathon
00:53:35of indeterminate length.
00:53:39So not a marathon.
00:53:44A marathon is a very
00:53:45determined 26.2 miles.
00:53:50And like,
00:53:50I don't know
00:53:50if our birth instructor,
00:53:51if she was super racist
00:53:53or just from Texas.
00:53:57But she started saying
00:53:58these crazy things.
00:53:59Like at one point
00:54:00she said,
00:54:01yeah,
00:54:01Asians can't feel pain.
00:54:06Which is wrong,
00:54:08but would explain karate.
00:54:10she actually said that.
00:54:18She said,
00:54:18Asians can't feel pain
00:54:19while we had
00:54:20four Asian people
00:54:22in our class.
00:54:23And they all laughed.
00:54:26Which proved her point.
00:54:30Not a single one said,
00:54:31that comment no good.
00:54:32It's a slightly racist
00:54:39anti-racism joke.
00:54:42And you know,
00:54:43when my wife was pregnant,
00:54:44I'd go to all
00:54:45the prenatal visits.
00:54:46And I remember
00:54:47one of the prenatal visits,
00:54:49the nurse says,
00:54:50your baby keeps moving away
00:54:51from the ultrasound.
00:54:54So I say,
00:54:55maybe that's because
00:54:55my daughter doesn't want
00:54:56big brother listening in.
00:54:59That's pretty good
00:55:00for hospital humor, right?
00:55:02Yeah, this nurse
00:55:03gives me nothing.
00:55:04Pretend she didn't even hear me.
00:55:05So I turned to my wife,
00:55:06I'm like,
00:55:06come on,
00:55:07that was funny, right?
00:55:08And my wife's like,
00:55:08uh-huh, sorry,
00:55:09I wasn't paying attention.
00:55:10I was respecting
00:55:11our daughter's right to privacy.
00:55:16And the thing is,
00:55:16like with comedians,
00:55:17when someone doesn't laugh
00:55:18at one of our jokes,
00:55:19it hurts her feelings.
00:55:20Even if it's in a hospital.
00:55:23But this nurse,
00:55:24she's in a customer
00:55:25facing position.
00:55:27So to get my revenge,
00:55:28I just start being
00:55:28super annoying
00:55:29and she has to take it.
00:55:30You know,
00:55:31I say,
00:55:32excuse me,
00:55:33how much should I upgrade
00:55:34this ultrasound
00:55:35to a mega sound?
00:55:39If this sound is so ultra,
00:55:41why can't I hear it?
00:55:43Can only dogs hear it?
00:55:45Are we having puppies?
00:55:49And that's how I got banned
00:55:50from the prenatal unit.
00:55:54So after that,
00:55:54whenever my wife
00:55:55would go for her visits,
00:55:56I'd have to stay home
00:55:57and listen to our neighbors argue.
00:55:58Yeah,
00:56:00they're not doing well.
00:56:01I know,
00:56:01not just because of all the yelling,
00:56:03but because I opened their mail.
00:56:08Those credit card bills
00:56:09are killing them.
00:56:12And they're actually
00:56:13also expecting a baby,
00:56:15which I found out
00:56:16from opening their mail
00:56:17and Googling
00:56:19their baby registry.
00:56:20and, you know,
00:56:22they were asking for
00:56:23a cheapo $100 stroller,
00:56:25so I bought them a helmet.
00:56:30Like,
00:56:31I'd say my favorite thing
00:56:32about being married
00:56:33is now I can go to a bar
00:56:34and I don't have to pretend
00:56:36I'm having fun.
00:56:37Yeah,
00:56:40I could just be miserable
00:56:41in the corner
00:56:41and my chances of getting laid
00:56:43stay the exact same
00:56:45as long as we're home
00:56:47by 10.
00:56:50But the thing is,
00:56:51like,
00:56:51my wife,
00:56:51she thinks I'm a sex addict
00:56:52because I want to do it daily.
00:56:55And I told her
00:56:56I'm willing to compromise
00:56:57five times a week.
00:56:59And she says,
00:57:00that sounds like a job.
00:57:01And I'm like,
00:57:03yeah,
00:57:03because marriage takes work.
00:57:06At least we could work
00:57:07from home.
00:57:10And she says,
00:57:10I'd rather we videoconference.
00:57:15And I'm like,
00:57:15don't make me find an intern
00:57:16who'll do this
00:57:17for the experience
00:57:18in college credit.
00:57:20I will do.
00:57:24Have you ever heard
00:57:25of the expression
00:57:25couples who pray together
00:57:27stay together?
00:57:29A few people.
00:57:29I think it's big
00:57:30in the Midwest and South.
00:57:31couples who pray together
00:57:31stay together.
00:57:33You know,
00:57:33my wife and I,
00:57:33we don't pray,
00:57:34but we meditate.
00:57:36And couples who meditate together
00:57:37still masturbate alone.
00:57:43Hum,
00:57:44hum,
00:57:46hum.
00:57:50I remember,
00:57:52like,
00:57:52when we first got together,
00:57:53my wife and I,
00:57:53we were doing it all the time.
00:57:55Then it went down.
00:57:55And when we got married,
00:57:56it actually went up
00:57:57a little again.
00:57:58I know,
00:57:59because I'm charting
00:58:00all of this.
00:58:02A very extensive
00:58:03Excel spreadsheet for it.
00:58:06But like,
00:58:06now we gotta put sex
00:58:08in our calendars
00:58:08twice a week.
00:58:10Yeah,
00:58:10it sucks.
00:58:11It feels like
00:58:11I'm on sex food stamps.
00:58:14Or instead of showing
00:58:15my EBT card,
00:58:16I show my raw card.
00:58:20I thought you laughed
00:58:20and groaned
00:58:21and looked down in horror
00:58:22all at the same time.
00:58:23But you know,
00:58:25this is scientifically true
00:58:26by scientists.
00:58:27They've done scientific studies
00:58:29that as a man,
00:58:31if you want to decrease
00:58:32your odds of getting
00:58:32prostate cancer,
00:58:34you should release
00:58:35at least five times a week.
00:58:36Yeah,
00:58:41so I told my wife,
00:58:42I told my wife,
00:58:43it's like you don't care
00:58:44if I get prostate cancer.
00:58:47I might as well
00:58:47start smoking
00:58:48to speed up
00:58:49what you're doing to me.
00:58:53And she says,
00:58:53smoking's disgusting.
00:58:55And I'm like,
00:58:56well maybe I would have
00:58:56to resort to this
00:58:57if you spend more time
00:58:58being disgusting
00:58:59in the bedroom.
00:59:00That week,
00:59:02we didn't even do it once.
00:59:05Pick your battles,
00:59:06everyone.
00:59:07Pick your battles.
00:59:09But no,
00:59:09we have a great relationship
00:59:10and I'd say,
00:59:12here's what I've realized,
00:59:13like the more a couple
00:59:14posts lovey-dovey photos
00:59:15on Facebook,
00:59:17the worse their
00:59:18actual relationship.
00:59:21You know,
00:59:21like my wife and I,
00:59:21we posted one wedding photo,
00:59:23one baby photo,
00:59:24that's it.
00:59:24We actually love each other.
00:59:26But I have a friend,
00:59:26maybe you have one
00:59:27like this too.
00:59:28Anytime I'd see him
00:59:28in person,
00:59:29he'd be like,
00:59:30my wife and I
00:59:30haven't had sex
00:59:31in two years,
00:59:31I can't take this.
00:59:33Then online I'd see,
00:59:34I love my wife so much,
00:59:37she's the best.
00:59:40It's like he was
00:59:41trying to guilt her
00:59:42into being a better spouse.
00:59:45Or she kept
00:59:45hacking his account.
00:59:50The next time
00:59:50I saw my friend,
00:59:52I thought,
00:59:53you're ruining
00:59:53our relationship
00:59:54because I see you lying.
00:59:56So now,
00:59:57I don't want to
00:59:57sleep with you either.
00:59:58That's what I thought,
01:00:01but all I said was,
01:00:03let's take a selfie.
01:00:06And I captioned it,
01:00:07great hanging
01:00:08with my buddy today.
01:00:10Then I went home
01:00:11and told my wife
01:00:11what a piece of shit he is.
01:00:14Which is a real shit move
01:00:15on my part.
01:00:16It's just this endless
01:00:17cycle of lies.
01:00:19But as long as I seem happy
01:00:20to my fifth grade bully,
01:00:21it's all worth it.
01:00:22But my wife,
01:00:27she gave me a good idea.
01:00:28So the next time
01:00:28I saw my friend posting
01:00:29about his lovely spouse,
01:00:31I left a comment.
01:00:35I said,
01:00:35I'm so glad
01:00:36you were able to resolve
01:00:37all your marital problems
01:00:39since we last spoke.
01:00:44Two hours ago.
01:00:49So you know how Facebook
01:00:50will translate
01:00:51from different languages,
01:00:52from like Spanish to English
01:00:53or Hebrew to English
01:00:54or Russian to English?
01:00:55I wish they'd translate
01:00:56from bragging
01:00:57to honest English.
01:01:00So when someone writes,
01:01:01I love being single,
01:01:03translation,
01:01:04I'm so lonely.
01:01:05or I love being married.
01:01:09I'm so lonely.
01:01:11Or I had an amazing
01:01:12comedy recording.
01:01:21Forty people laughed,
01:01:22two people stared at me,
01:01:24and everyone else thought,
01:01:26why is it so cold in here?
01:01:35So have you ever heard
01:01:36of this thing called
01:01:37the backfire effect?
01:01:39No.
01:01:40So it's when you argue politics
01:01:41or something you care about.
01:01:42The more time you spend
01:01:43debating an issue,
01:01:45the more each side
01:01:46becomes convinced
01:01:46they're correct.
01:01:47Because you've come up
01:01:48with more and more reasons
01:01:49for your point of view.
01:01:51So the only way
01:01:52to change someone's mind
01:01:54is to over-agree with them.
01:01:56So a little while back,
01:01:57I'm talking to a guy
01:01:57who liked the new tax law.
01:01:59So I said,
01:01:59you know what?
01:02:00This tax bill
01:02:01doesn't go far enough.
01:02:02Poor people should pay
01:02:03a 90% tax rate.
01:02:05because that'll teach
01:02:06him to work harder.
01:02:08Now let's go kick a bum.
01:02:13And the guy was like,
01:02:14whoa, maybe I'm wrong.
01:02:21I saw the backfire effect
01:02:22working.
01:02:23So I went home
01:02:24and told my wife
01:02:25we should stop having sex.
01:02:28She said, okay.
01:02:29Damn.
01:02:32The backfire effect
01:02:33backfired.
01:02:35I am glad though.
01:02:38I'm glad I never thought
01:02:39that premarital sex
01:02:40was a sin.
01:02:42Because I lost my virginity
01:02:43three weeks
01:02:44before 9-11.
01:02:49Yeah, you know there's
01:02:50some super religious
01:02:50kid somewhere
01:02:51who lost his virginity
01:02:53September 10th.
01:02:55Going,
01:02:56oh my God,
01:02:57what have I done?
01:03:06Totally worth it.
01:03:10That's my darkest thing.
01:03:11It gets better
01:03:11from here, everyone.
01:03:12It gets better.
01:03:14But this is going
01:03:15to be controversial too,
01:03:16but stick with me.
01:03:17I don't think
01:03:18that football players
01:03:18should take a knee
01:03:19before the national anthem.
01:03:20I think if you really
01:03:22want to protest,
01:03:23just stop playing sports
01:03:24until there's a new president.
01:03:26Like think about it,
01:03:27no football,
01:03:27no basketball,
01:03:28no baseball.
01:03:30Hockey can still stay,
01:03:31no one watches that.
01:03:33One person watches that,
01:03:34I stand corrected.
01:03:37But yeah,
01:03:37you know,
01:03:37we'd have a new leader
01:03:38in two weeks
01:03:39because there'd be
01:03:39nothing to distract us
01:03:41from our boring lives.
01:03:42That's 52 Sundays a year.
01:03:44You got to spend
01:03:44with your kids.
01:03:47And I said this
01:03:48the other night
01:03:49and someone in the crowd
01:03:49started booing me.
01:03:51And I was like,
01:03:51oh no,
01:03:52I pissed off someone
01:03:52really patriotic
01:03:53who missed my sarcasm
01:03:55and probably owns
01:03:56a lot of guns.
01:03:59But turns out
01:04:00it was just Canadians
01:04:01mad I was making fun
01:04:02of hockey.
01:04:08I'm not pro-big government
01:04:09at all,
01:04:10but here's why
01:04:11some government regulation
01:04:12is needed.
01:04:13Because it took,
01:04:14I don't know if you remember,
01:04:14but it took an act of Congress,
01:04:16an act of Congress
01:04:17for us to be able
01:04:18to keep our cell phone number
01:04:20when switching phone companies.
01:04:23So what chance
01:04:24does the environment have?
01:04:27Like if I had to choose
01:04:29between saving my iPhone
01:04:30or all the whales,
01:04:37I'd be like,
01:04:37sorry Shamu.
01:04:40Have you seen
01:04:40this new app?
01:04:41It's amazing.
01:04:43I swipe right
01:04:44and a robot burps
01:04:45my baby.
01:04:48I do remember
01:04:49that I remember
01:04:50as soon as my daughter
01:04:51was born,
01:04:52minutes later,
01:04:53this nurse came in
01:04:54asking us to donate
01:04:55our baby's umbilical cord
01:04:56to science.
01:04:58Now,
01:04:59I don't even know
01:04:59why babies still have
01:05:00umbilical cords.
01:05:02Like what is this,
01:05:031981?
01:05:05Yeah,
01:05:06we should have
01:05:06cordless babies.
01:05:07It's like,
01:05:12oh,
01:05:12you got the baby
01:05:13eight plus?
01:05:14Well,
01:05:14I got the baby ten.
01:05:17Mine has facial recognition.
01:05:23And on the next day,
01:05:24my wife,
01:05:24she's still in the hospital
01:05:25and a different nurse
01:05:26she's shown my wife
01:05:27how to breastfeed.
01:05:28And the nurse says,
01:05:29you can tell
01:05:29the baby's latching properly
01:05:31because she has a double chin.
01:05:34And I'm like,
01:05:35are we body shaming
01:05:36her already?
01:05:39But I know my daughter,
01:05:40she eats really well.
01:05:41Like,
01:05:41yesterday she drank
01:05:42from the look so fast.
01:05:43It looked like she was
01:05:44shotgunning a beer.
01:05:47I turn my back
01:05:48for one second.
01:05:48She's playing flip cup.
01:05:50I don't want to give her
01:05:53powder formula
01:05:54because I'm afraid
01:05:55she'll snort it.
01:05:58Oh,
01:05:59come on,
01:05:59what's funnier
01:05:59than a baby
01:06:00using cocaine?
01:06:03Two babies
01:06:04shooting heroin.
01:06:05That is
01:06:05way funny.
01:06:11You know,
01:06:12if you think about it,
01:06:12babies look like
01:06:13they're on heroin
01:06:14because they're always
01:06:16falling asleep in parks.
01:06:19They're nodding off,
01:06:21they're coming back,
01:06:22they're nodding off.
01:06:25Then they poop their pants
01:06:26with no warning.
01:06:29One time at a show
01:06:30I was talking about this
01:06:31and someone in the crowd
01:06:32yelled out,
01:06:33actually,
01:06:33heroin makes you constipated.
01:06:41And as I started to respond,
01:06:43he nodded off.
01:06:44But my daughter,
01:06:50she's been sleeping
01:06:50really well lately.
01:06:51Like,
01:06:52you know,
01:06:52she'll sleep for 12 straight hours.
01:06:54Like,
01:06:54she wears a diaper
01:06:55and doesn't move for 12 hours.
01:06:57She's like
01:06:58the ideal Netflix customer.
01:07:03Yeah,
01:07:03she'll sleep like 8 p.m.
01:07:04to 8 a.m.
01:07:05So sometimes
01:07:06if I'm home
01:07:06around 11 at night,
01:07:08I'll go do a little
01:07:08open mic
01:07:09a block from my house
01:07:10while watching my baby
01:07:12on my phone's
01:07:12Wi-Fi camera.
01:07:14And like,
01:07:15yeah,
01:07:15technically she's alone.
01:07:17But it's a block away,
01:07:18so if I lived in a mansion,
01:07:19it'd still be the same house.
01:07:26I feel like 70% of you
01:07:28are on board.
01:07:29And some of you
01:07:30want to call
01:07:30child services right now.
01:07:32there's no point
01:07:34in calling child services
01:07:35because I live a block away,
01:07:36so I'll get home first.
01:07:39You can't catch me.
01:07:42So a couple months back,
01:07:44I go to the open mic
01:07:45and then I mention
01:07:46on stage the babies alone.
01:07:48So afterwards,
01:07:49this comedian
01:07:49who said her other job
01:07:50is stripping
01:07:51because apparently
01:07:52being a comedian
01:07:53isn't degrading enough.
01:07:57Strippers don't have
01:07:57to get recorded
01:07:58above a sushi shop
01:07:59is my point.
01:08:02So this stripper comedian,
01:08:03she comes up to me
01:08:04and she's like,
01:08:04oh, do you really
01:08:05have a baby?
01:08:06I'm like, yeah.
01:08:06She's like,
01:08:07who's watching her now?
01:08:08I'm like,
01:08:08uh, the phone.
01:08:09And she says,
01:08:11what about your wife?
01:08:12I'm like,
01:08:12oh, she's here too.
01:08:13Parenting's hard.
01:08:14We both needed a drink.
01:08:20And the stripper says,
01:08:21oh my God,
01:08:22you're serious?
01:08:22You're a bad dad.
01:08:24You should be locked up.
01:08:25You're a bad dad.
01:08:28Yeah, I got judged
01:08:29by a stripper.
01:08:32Like, yeah,
01:08:33I neglect my daughter
01:08:34for an hour at a time
01:08:35when she's sleeping.
01:08:37But her dad neglected her
01:08:38for 18 straight years.
01:08:39What is this,
01:08:43turning into a stripper convention now?
01:08:46You know,
01:08:46I got so upset by this,
01:08:47I showed some singles
01:08:48in her pants.
01:08:51And now she's
01:08:52our new babysitter.
01:08:55That's right,
01:08:55I'm a good dad.
01:08:56I kept someone else's kid
01:08:57off the pole.
01:08:57That's a good dad.
01:09:01But now,
01:09:01thanks to our new
01:09:02babysitter's sparkles,
01:09:03he knows a couple of sparkles
01:09:11in his life, everyone.
01:09:13Yeah,
01:09:13now thanks to our new
01:09:14babysitter's sparkles,
01:09:15my daughter,
01:09:15she can only fall asleep
01:09:16to the song
01:09:17Pour Some Sugar On Me.
01:09:18So we need a new babysitter.
01:09:22Before I got married,
01:09:24some women I dated,
01:09:25they loved it
01:09:25when I'd speak Russian
01:09:26in bed.
01:09:28Yeah,
01:09:29and I loved it,
01:09:30because I'd get
01:09:30all my complaints out
01:09:32without starting a fight.
01:09:38Now I'd be like,
01:09:38I hate when you text me
01:09:46for no reason.
01:09:58I'd rather be
01:09:59banging your friend.
01:10:02I finished five minutes ago.
01:10:09I finished five minutes ago.
01:10:13And you know,
01:10:14now that I'm married,
01:10:15I still speak Russian in bed,
01:10:17but my complaints have changed.
01:10:20You know,
01:10:20now I'm like,
01:10:21no,
01:10:21you check on the baby.
01:10:28Why am I always at the top?
01:10:30Why am I always on top?
01:10:38Hey,
01:10:39stop snoring.
01:10:40Yes,
01:10:43Mama Kamila Papi,
01:10:44but I finished five minutes ago.
01:10:47Yes,
01:10:48Mommy was mean to Daddy,
01:10:50but I still finished
01:10:51five minutes ago.
01:10:53Now I can sleep
01:10:54through the night
01:10:55because I drank poison.
01:11:06Thank you so much.
01:11:07I'm Ben Rosenfeld.
01:11:08Thank you for coming out.
01:11:09I appreciate it.
01:11:10Thank you.
01:11:11Thank you.
01:11:11Thank you.
01:11:13Thank you.
01:11:28Thank you.
01:11:29Thank you.
01:11:30Thank you.
01:11:31Bye-bye.
01:11:32Bye-bye.
01:11:33Bye-bye.
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