- 7/3/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Now let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat. Scenes from a Hat. This is from all four of you.
00:12And what we did before the show is we asked the audience to write down suggestions for games they'd like to see.
00:15Things they'd like to be acted out by the performers. And we put them all in this hat here.
00:19Well, we put a lot of them in this hat anyway, not all of them. Pick the best ones.
00:23And you guys are going to have to act out as many as you can.
00:26And let's start with this one.
00:28Hmm. Huh. Playing too hard with the puppy.
00:36Want to take a run at him?
00:46If Carol Channing were president.
00:51I never made love to that woman.
00:54I never had sexual affairs with her.
00:58Who the hell are you?
01:06German pickup lines.
01:09Yeah. Can I conquer you?
01:16I have cable.
01:17Least likely person to wind up on a stamp.
01:27Right this way, Ms. Lewinsky.
01:37Famous last words.
01:39Right this way, Ms. Lewinsky.
01:40Trust me, you'll blend in in Compton. Come on.
01:53If dogs could talk.
01:57My wife just doesn't understand you.
01:59Your name is Jeff.
02:10Yeah.
02:17I've got worms where?
02:19Hey, Timmy, old lady Wilson's in the well.
02:33Least popular college courses.
02:36Do you know which way it is to butt waxing 101?
02:38I said least popular.
02:47Unlikely Olympic events.
02:49All right, Jim.
02:51This is your last chance at the Viagra vault.
02:58There's a good one.
02:59People who shouldn't rap.
03:04Oh, boy.
03:10Thank you very much.
03:12Rejected theme songs from the movie Titanic.
03:14I love the taste of salt water
03:19filling my lungs.
03:26Corpses bobbing in the sea.
03:35Presidential slogans that will not get you elected.
03:41I love booty.
03:42I got this tattoo in Da Nang.
03:56I stand today at this podium.
04:04I'm Jesse Jackson.
04:12Okay, uh, losing science fair projects.
04:17Some people say that rodents aren't flammable.
04:20Well...
04:21All right.
04:36Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail.
04:38I'm Betty Davis for anti-aging cream.
04:50I'm Mike Tyson for Encyclopedia Britannica.
05:00I forgot what the hell I was telling you.
05:02Hi, I'm Colin Mochrie for Rogaine.
05:12Okay.
05:15Drill sergeant pickup lines.
05:17Drill sergeant pickup lines.
05:22Boy!
05:23You ever touch a rifle?
05:24No.
05:27Want to?
05:27I just want to stand here and stare at my privates.
05:41State mottos.
05:43Rejected for license plates.
05:46Mississippi.
05:47We do, too, have all our teeth.
05:53Utah.
05:54Ah, 30,000 wives can't be wrong.
06:01Miami.
06:02The land that time remembered.
06:05Miami's a city.
06:08Florida.
06:12Not to be confused with Miami.
06:18Montana.
06:19How fast can you drive?
06:25Texas.
06:26Capital punishment rocks.
06:31You got that right, Bubba.
06:34What God created on an off day.
06:38And I shall call it the other white meat.
06:41Hey, buddy.
06:48I'm Pauly Shore.
06:56And they shall be known as the Dodgers.
07:05Bad things to hear from the doctor who's operating on you.
07:08That's a good-looking wife you have.
07:18You are my first patient in America.
07:24Ooh, that's different.
07:28Fire me.
07:31Oh, fire me.
07:32President Clinton's things-to-do list.
07:42Switch to a pipe.
07:51When having an affair, pick someone good-looking.
07:56Okay, thank you very much.
08:01Baseball umpires at home.
08:05Clean your room!
08:06Clean your room!
08:12Honey, I'm feeling a bit sexy tonight.
08:14Ill-advised Valentine's Day gifts.
08:26It's a gun.
08:30I'll give you the bullets at Christmas.
08:36Don't tell me you already have a head of a goat.
08:38It's the Lorena Bobbitt story.
08:53Just to remember me by.
08:54It's a picture of me with my lover.
09:01Favorite pranks of nuns.
09:03No, no, really, it's true.
09:19All nuns can fly.
09:20Other things...
09:30Other things the first man on the moon might have said.
09:38Oh, I hope I get back.
09:47Whee!
09:50A Starbucks?
09:59I shouldn't have had that three-bean salad.
10:08No!
10:13All right.
10:16Opening lines to foreign national anthems.
10:20Colombia, we're not known just for coffee.
10:25Colombia!
10:32Russia!
10:33Our women look like men.
10:35Russia!
10:41Lines you wouldn't hear in a Western.
10:43No, this town's big enough for the two of us.
10:55Rejected Jeopardy categories.
10:58Yeah, I'll take Famous Klansmen for 200, please.
11:01Uh, Drew Carey's lingerie for 50.
11:15I'll take Things Nobody Knows for 1,000.
11:23I'll take Animal Genitalia Audio Clues.
11:26People who won't be appearing on Currency anytime soon.
11:41Oh, I can't break a Lewinsky.
11:43Naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the Internet.
11:54Hi, I'm B. Arthur.
12:02C-A-R-E-Y.
12:04C-A-R-E-Y.
12:15Careful.
12:17Careful what you wish for, buddy.
12:20The number one sitcom in Germany.
12:24Ding, ding.
12:25Ding, ding.
12:26Ding, ding.
12:27Yeah, we're going to see Jack and Chrissy.
12:31They have escaped.
12:40What are you talking about, Willis?
12:49See what the lucky card is?
12:51What the Grim Reaper does to relax.
12:52Now I'm bored of Pictionary.
12:56Let's play life.
12:59Okay, least checked out library books.
13:10Dirty jokes and beer.
13:21Twenty ways to self-control President Clinton.
13:31Inappropriate show-and-tell items.
13:37I've brought a tapeworm.
13:48Yes, yes.
13:55Um, items you wouldn't expect to see for sale on the Home Shopping Channel.
14:04That's right, order now and order your copy of Dan Quayle's Hooked on Phonics.
14:10And it's only $34.95.
14:15Yes, you can have one of these two.
14:24It's not the only way to...
14:26All right.
14:27Oh, I'll get this one.
14:28Things you'll never hear in a boxing ring.
14:30Damn, he's cute.
14:34I'm a white Canadian.
14:38I got a chance.
14:43Unlikely first lines of love songs.
14:54It seemed like any other autopsy.
15:03Oh, I'm really small down there.
15:09Thank you very much.
15:16Bad choices for pets.
15:21Here, velociraptor.
15:25Where's my little tapeworm?
15:39Okay, strange things to find in your bed.
15:47Colin!
15:50Teach me how to sing like you!
15:55What's his problem?
15:56I don't know.
16:00Oh, okay.
16:02Dangerous things to do while you are naked.
16:06Honey, bring out the stakes.
16:21I'm gonna light the barbecue.
16:23Five minutes, Mr. President.
16:27Okay, uh...
16:32Baby names that will one day get your child's ass kicked.
16:35Oh, he's kicked my ass hungry?
16:42Come here, Colin.
16:55Okay.
16:58Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey.
17:05No, go ahead. Go ahead.
17:23What kind of a middle name is Allison?
17:27Things you wish you hadn't said to the president.
17:34Sure, I'll be your intern.
17:41What's going on?
17:45Cigarette? Cigar?
17:50I do.
17:57Odd hijacker demands.
18:03All right. All right. Give it up. And you? Riverdance.
18:14Make a left!
18:18Take me to Cuba Gooding Jr.
18:27Rejected themes for restaurants.
18:31Come on in. Howdy, fella. You can catch salmonella. Eat it.
18:44Hello and welcome to Dead . 109 recipes that you can do with your .
18:51I don't know if they told you, but in America we can only get away with that if you pronounce it .
19:08Okay.
19:13I'm so sorry.
19:14That's all right.
19:15Oh, don't be sorry.
19:16Ain't nothing wrong with it, baby.
19:18I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with it. I'm just saying you can't say it.
19:21They don't like it.
19:23All right. Here we go.
19:26Videotapes that won't sell out at Blockbuster.
19:31Hello, and for the next 55 minutes you're going to see just me going .
19:42I'm queen of the world!
19:50Oh, hi there. I'm Drew Carey.
20:01Interview questions you'd like to hear asked of a Miss America contestant.
20:07Miss Illinois, are those real?
20:12Can you pick up that quarter without using your hands?
20:19Uh, the wrong thing to say when she says I love you.
20:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:35Uh, that's nice, but you're not John.
20:41Yeah, keep the change.
20:48I love when personal experience seeps into you.
20:58Messages delivered a little late. Messages delivered a little late.
21:04Custer, stay where you are.
21:11Mr. Lincoln, the show got bad reviews!
21:17Mr. Clinton, stay away from the fat broad.
21:23Rejected endings for the blockbuster movie, I couldn't just say movie.
21:33Rejected endings for the movie Titanic.
21:35I'm king of the squirrels!
21:38I'm king of the squirrels!
21:47Rose, promise me that you...
21:49Hey, I can stand up!
21:50Welcome, Rose. My name's Gilligan. This is a professional.
22:03All right.
22:05Personal messages you'd like to see flying from the back of an airplane.
22:12Help, the engine's on fire.
22:18If you can read this, you're driving too close.
22:24All right.
22:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:31Oh, this is a good one.
22:33Bad songs to sing in prison.
22:39So who's the slightly effeminate one?
22:42That's me. That's me.
22:45Who dropped the soap?
22:49Who dropped the soap?
22:53Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the...
23:01With the wig, you remind me of Julia.
23:15Oh, man. You sounded so sincere when you were saying that.
23:26That was really great.
23:29Inappropriate first date greetings.
23:33Hi.
23:34Damn, they're big!
23:42Hello, Mr. Johnson. I've come to fondle your daughter.
23:45I'll satisfy you, but it could kill you.
23:58Okay.
24:00Ha, ha.
24:01What he's thinking while he's kissing you.
24:06Damn, those are big!
24:12Okay, the Giants are on at 3 o'clock Eastern Time.
24:14She couldn't have eaten skunk.
24:27Man, the things you gotta do to get on whose line.
24:29Bad parental motivational speeches.
24:30Do you want to end up like me?
24:39A teacher? A teacher? Honey, prostitutes make twice that money.
24:42A teacher? A teacher? Honey, prostitutes make twice that money.
25:00Disconcerting tattoos to find on your girlfriend.
25:03Jeffrey lives here.
25:04What's that?
25:05Come out of there, you crazy rabbit.
25:06What?
25:07Oh.
25:08This side up.
25:09Eep.
25:10Am I doing alright? Call 555.
25:12Eep.
25:13Unlikely cowboy songs.
25:14Things are great in the city.
25:15Oh.
25:16Oh.
25:17Oh.
25:18Come out of there, you crazy rabbit.
25:19Come out of there, you crazy rabbit.
25:21What?
25:22Oh.
25:23Come out of there, you crazy rabbit.
25:24Come out of there.
25:25This side up.
25:26Eep.
25:27Am I doing alright? Call 555.
25:30Eep.
25:32Unlikely cowboy songs.
25:33unlikely cowboy songs things are great in the city
25:44well my woman stayed true and i'm sober
25:53oh i've been on the range 45 days and the cow's looking good to me
26:05to me
26:07me unlikely cover song
26:11unlikely cover song oh i can't wait to go to harlem i can't wait
26:19the worst thing to find in your parachute pack
26:28miniature snickers
26:33what to do when your parachute doesn't open
26:45all right things you shouldn't do after heavy drinking
26:52i love you
26:57now there's this boy we're gonna circumcise
27:08this is your captain speaking
27:18the points don't matter
27:25questions you'd like to ask a miss america contestant
27:41excuse me
27:43can i get some of that
27:44public service announcements you'll never see
27:49heavy machinery works best when you're drowsy
27:55remember if you drink and drive drive real fast
28:05and don't forget to eat mints it fools the cops
28:11other other gifts the three wise men considered
28:17well uh we got frankincense and some gold i brought murray
28:24phrases you can use to describe a truck
28:33but not your girlfriend
28:34wow you could fit four in there
28:39smells good when the truck goes
28:51say you are ram tough
29:00oh man that's funny
29:07odd things to hear from a talking doll
29:12i love you greg
29:23butthead
29:27keep drew away from me
29:35i'm ronisha the bobby from the projects
29:44what doctors really see when they look in your ears
29:53hey greg
29:58hi ho hi ho
30:07it's up to it
30:08the title for drew carey's second book
30:17hmm
30:21my life of leisure behind the desk
30:24the difference between continents and countries
30:34odd definitions found in webster's dictionary
30:42reptile
30:46sea lawyer
30:47cigar
30:52presidential aid
30:53practical joke
31:04see fooling someone
31:05fooling someone
31:06see practical joke
31:07all right
31:12inappropriate things to do with a loved one's ashes
31:17it was inappropriate what do you want
31:27in the same vein
31:31bad things to say to someone on their deathbed
31:34what are you gonna do with your stereo
31:39peekaboo
31:44peekaboo
31:44peekaboo
31:46peekaboo
31:48peekaboo
31:48about that 20 bucks you owe me
31:54it's me death
32:01just kidding
32:01so when do you think jane will be ready to date again
32:11things you don't want to see on your tv screen
32:20drew carey naked wrestling chimpanzees
32:27it's satan and the school girl
32:36prizes you'd like to find in your cereal box
32:45pamela anderson
32:50bad songs to serenade her with
32:57who
32:58her
32:59any special song
33:01you're the best i can get
33:07you seem real easy and willing to put out
33:14so roll in the cream cheese roll in the cream cheese
33:16lines you should not open a sermon with
33:23are you ready for some football
33:29how's it hanging
33:34let's get ready to gospel
33:42okay that's it
33:47circus hacks that didn't make it
33:50meh i'm a talking lamb she
33:54what penguins are really thinking
34:11cheese it's cold
34:14cheese
34:14does this tux make me look fat
34:20one day i'll get that batman
34:25unlikely ways to impress women
34:34look i'm trying
34:40yes hey girl
34:46i work with drew carey
34:48as of right now i'm rash free
35:02i'm in the transition part of my surgery
35:10i do murals with my own feces
35:17some big city mayors in this country say that's not art
35:29well i say they're wrong
35:30bizarre ways to describe the taste of a wine
35:36this tastes like a painting by colin mercury
35:41people you wouldn't want to meet at a nudist colony
35:51i'm trying to describe the taste of a miracle
35:54i'm trying to make a voice in the chair
35:55that's not the matter
35:56game
35:58well when i say something
35:59oh man
36:01okay
36:01whoa
36:02Dangerous things to do
36:16while driving.
36:24What are you doing?
36:29I'm doing the laundry.
36:32Oh, oh, okay.
36:39Because of my artwork.
36:44Strange causes to raise money for.
36:49Get through a carrier third show.
36:58Bathe the whales.
37:02Oh, what the heck?
37:07Things that would cause a Drew Carey spit-take.
37:10I've got to get home to my wife.
37:24I've got to get home to my wife.
37:38The secret double lives of Who's Line cast members.
37:42I'm Colin Mochrie.
37:49I'm Brad Sherwood.
38:03Posts you'll never see on a church bulletin board.
38:06Hey, Satan's teaching a Taibo class.
38:14No collection this week.
38:19He has come and gone on.
38:26He's come and gone.
38:27You know, you might see that notice.
38:29Not careful.
38:32Hobbies of the stupid.
38:33Hobbies of the stupid.
38:33Hobbies of the stupid.
39:03Come over here, folks, and you'll see the Statue of Puberty.
39:12Over here, folks, you'll see Viagra Falls.
39:18I said least popular.
39:23Strange chants overheard while jumping rope.
39:29Monkey, monkey, chew the butter.
39:30See, my buttocks is better, better.
39:32Batuta, batuta, monkey, monkey.
39:35Look, there's a gerbil.
39:37I'm going up and down.
39:3860 minutes, where are you?
39:40Here's an expose for you.
39:41Lib-bl-la-la, lib-bl-la-la, lib-bl-la-la.
39:44Don't be a monkey.
39:52What models say to each other as they pass on the runway?
40:00Did you see Brad Sherwood on Whose Line?
40:02He's so cute.
40:02Guess what?
40:11I kept some food down today.
40:18I just ate a pee.
40:19I feel like I weighed 10,000 pounds.
40:21My back just broke.
40:37I'm lost.
40:38I'm lost.
40:38I don't know where I'm going.
40:39Documentary subjects you'll never see.
40:49Today we're going to show you how to catch a bullet.
40:53Bad game show concepts.
41:03Wheel of mucus.
41:11I'd like to buy a bowel.
41:12Um, I'll take what's behind whore number one.
41:25All right.
41:27Things you never want to hear your grandmother say.
41:30Oh, you look really good today.
41:35Oh, you look really good today.
41:36Honey, Grandma's changing pimps.
41:48Your grandpa and I would make love like two ferrets going at it.
42:08Pick up lines in the fruit and vegetable aisle.
42:11Cantaloupe tonight?
42:21Personal ads that won't get many responses.
42:29Single white question mark.
42:33Slightly balding superhero.
42:49Yeah, slightly.
42:58And I'm slightly overweight.
43:03People you'll never see on the cover of Playboy.
43:17Modern additions to the Ten Commandments.
43:23Thou shalt not joke about bald people.
43:33If dogs told jokes.
43:37Hey, knock, knock.
43:39Who's there?
43:40Ruff.
43:40Ruff who?
43:41Ruff.
43:47If you can't beat them, lick them.
43:53Ha, ha, ha.
43:54Favorite pranks of ER doctors.
43:58Boop, boop, boop, boop.
44:00Eeeh.
44:01Just kidding.
44:15Well, it's a pleasure to be here today.
44:23Oh.
44:24Songs that kill the romance.
44:25Ooh, baby.
44:29After we make love.
44:38My God.
44:39Your thighs are big.
44:45I've got a cigar.
44:47Ha, ha, ha, ha.
44:54All right.
44:57Oh, speaking of.
44:59Uh, things not to bring into the bathtub.
45:03Honey, this is my grandmother.
45:09Oh, nice bath and some toast.
45:11Confusing battle cries.
45:21Hurt you.
45:28Don't shoot till you see the whites.
45:30Give me liberty or a bran muffin.
45:42Get my brown pants.
45:51Every last one of us will defend the Alamo, correct?
46:08What the hell?
46:12All righty.
46:15Albums doomed to be flops.
46:18Ooh, Jar Jar Binks sing the blues.
46:20Uh, least likely to win the 2000 presidential race.
46:31Ooh, Jar Jar Binks sing the blues.
46:33Yeah, woo.
46:39I taste like butter, but I'm not.
46:43Okay.
46:44Okay.
46:45Uh.
46:46The, uh, the, uh, where the hell are my brown pants?
46:53I asked for in fun.
46:57The Stupidity Award Show.
47:00The Stupidity Award Show.
47:01Stupidity.
47:03I'd like to accept this award on behalf of the whole cast of Beverly Hills 90210.
47:07I cannot accept this award till the wall that divides Germany comes down.
47:23Inopportune times to laugh hysterically.
47:28No, Dr. Glickman, you're a good gynecologist.
47:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
47:39I'm sorry.
47:40I do.
47:45Bye-bye.
47:46Don't go away.
47:47Don't go away.
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