- 7/3/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00let's go on to a game called scenes from a hat this is uh for all four of you come and take your
00:11places brad and wayne and ryan and colin what we do is before every show we ask the audience write
00:15down suggestions for things we take the good ones put them in this hat and we're gonna see
00:18how many of these scenes that our performers can act out for us starting with the curriculum
00:25at hillbilly university i'm late for squee like a pig 401
00:35learning about your mother daughter
00:41all righty i i didn't know the mic was on
00:45jesus cold in here
01:00that's a thousand points to everyone we'll be back after this commercial you all right under there
01:06uh nightly bedside prayers of whose line cast members
01:24please lord don't let the mr drew come in my window
01:28jesus don't let wayne knock over the table
01:43lord please get me out of my contract that says i must shave my head so they can keep making ball jokes
01:48lord please make ryan stop wearing clown shoes
02:11lord please give me ringside seats when ryan kicks brad's ass
02:14yes
02:19if a fear factor episode was done for celebrities
02:26a french accent
02:27put on this plaid shirt
02:39put on this plaid shirt
02:41do
02:51drew
02:51we're going to have to take your cards
02:54thank you ryan
03:10the world's dumbest criminals being caught in the act
03:20all right this is a stick up does anybody have a gun i can use
03:41okay slogans on t-shirts worn by george w bush
03:54i won get over it
03:56i'm an honor student at johnson middle school
04:13more than a euphemism for pubic hair
04:15the w stands for honesty
04:3359 states and counting
04:34all right
04:39what do you think your fellow cast members should title their autobiographies
04:47ryan styles the man of a thousand accents
04:54bad times to be distracted by a beautiful woman
05:01sweetheart i will love you forever and a day and i love you hey
05:14that's what i'm gonna do
05:23that's what i'm gonna do
05:23all right
05:24all right
05:26making mundane instructions sound sexy
05:33there's two emergency exits
05:37there's two in the front
05:40two in the rear
05:44oh yeah
05:50this next game's called party quirks
05:59party
06:07i'm on fire i guess i better stop drop and roll
06:14that's what president bush does in the oval office when he's all by himself
06:27click
06:32would you do shall we play a game
06:46uh
06:57so
07:07hello is this hillary clinton
07:09Is your water running?
07:20Oh, I'm so tired of this charade.
07:23I can finally be myself.
07:26Ah, Dickens.
07:28Oh, the encyclopedia.
07:30Oh, the tome of which I have loved all of my life.
07:34Mr. President!
07:35Oh, yeah?
07:39All right.
07:44Things you can say about the food you eat,
07:46but not about your girlfriend.
07:52Breast, breast, breast.
07:54I'm sick of breasts.
07:55Where are the thighs?
07:59Mmm, everything tastes better on a Ritz.
08:01These pies are incredibly small.
08:14Oh, that goes down good.
08:21What the Queen of England is really saying
08:24to the people in the greeting line.
08:28Pull my finger.
08:29Who got kicked off the island this week?
08:44All right.
08:47What Lassie was really trying to tell everyone.
08:54I gotta pee, man!
08:55I need a poodle.
09:06Get me a poodle.
09:06I need a poodle.
09:11The square root of nine is three.
09:21Who let me out?
09:22Root, root, root, root.
09:24All right.
09:29People you wouldn't want to go on an intergalactic flight with.
09:34Intergalactic flight.
09:36You ready to strap in?
09:38You can't...
09:39A million bottles of beer on the wall.
09:51A million bottles of beer.
09:52Come on!
09:59If adults settle disputes the way kids do.
10:03All right, Jenkins.
10:04So you're not going to accept my proposal for the merger?
10:06No.
10:07Okay.
10:18You sure we can't make this thing work, baby?
10:20I'm sorry.
10:21I've tried.
10:23Let's see.
10:24Why?
10:25If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.
10:42Why can't I control my bowels?
10:56I love you so much.
10:58Oops, I farted.
11:00Hey, that's me with the booger in my nose.
11:06Booger in my nose.
11:07Booger in my nose.
11:08Hey, that's me with the booger.
11:09We made love at 5.06, and I was done by 5.07, and I leave.
11:25Hey, I didn't mean to cook your dog, but hey, those things just happened.
11:30I was just standing there, and his little toes, they started tapping.
11:36So I cut his throat, let's go get a goat, and then I put him on the barbecue.
11:45Foreign remakes of American TV shows.
11:49You don't escape.
12:07You don't escape.
12:10Curlfink in French.
12:14You don't escape.
12:14Hey, hey, hey.
12:21Esta Alberto Grande.
12:29All right.
12:31Ads where the product and the style don't match.
12:36Rawr!
12:37Rock on into the morning with Little Old Lady Tea Cubes by Kick-Ass-Or.
12:44Ever, uh, ever dream of owning a Harley Davidson?
13:02Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
13:06Capital punishment.
13:07Say muzzle-to-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
13:15Say muzzle-to-do-do to Bacon.
13:24This town ain't big enough for the two of us, Tex.
13:27You look a little scared.
13:30Try these adult diapers.
13:31inoffensive words that immature people are prone to snicker at inoffensive words that
13:46immature people are prone to snicker at and of course the planet uranus
13:52so you have a selection of white and pumpernickel
14:07white
14:12it's cold out don't forget your muff
14:22are you from saskatchewan what part saskatoon all i'm i'm from regina
14:36bad songs to sing while making love robber dackey you're the one
14:48i can't remember your name
14:55every time i kiss you i think of rick
15:02and it goes in and out
15:09the last thing you would expect to come out of your grandmother's mouth
15:16grandpa used to ride me like a stallion
15:23who don't make grandma put a foot in your ass
15:30this is my corner honey you get out of here
15:37this is the last thing you'd expect to hear
15:45oh well uh... adults who are still experiencing the terrible twos
15:52jim i've made a decision on that promotion
15:59all right
16:03unusual acts performed on talent night at the convent
16:07sister agnes may have that water please
16:14poof ripple
16:19i'm a penguin
16:22i'm a black and white movie
16:24i'm a newspaper
16:26i'm a zebra
16:29i'm a black and white
16:31okay
16:45great
16:47on that
16:49Yeah.
16:59Bad times to take off your pants.
17:06Scalpel.
17:12I do.
17:19Come on, I'll show you through my cactus garden.
17:31Weird things to time.
17:34Weird things to time.
17:49Took a minute for the second hand to go all the way around.
18:00Unfortunate moments to become nauseous.
18:07Scalpel.
18:08I do.
18:14No!
18:20This is one small st-
18:24If your thoughts were amplified on loudspeakers...
18:26Tss.
18:27Tss.
18:28Sting.
18:30I hope they didn't smell that.
18:32Tss.
18:34Goal!
18:36Tss.
18:38Tss.
18:40Tss.
18:42Tss.
18:44Tss.
18:45Tss.
18:47Tss.
18:49Tss.
18:50It appears to be working.
19:09No one knows I'm white.
19:16I could do that.
19:17All you got to do is read suggestions out of a hat.
19:20Yep, I like the job, too.
19:29Pretty cushy.
19:30Things you shouldn't do...
19:32Oh, sorry.
19:32Things you shouldn't be doing while talking on the phone.
19:39Oh.
19:40Oh, yeah, I know.
19:42Clamp.
19:49Yeah, yeah.
19:50No, I love you, too.
19:56All right.
19:57Whose line is it anyway in different countries?
19:59I hope you are not watching the idiotic Belgian version.
20:23This is, of course, the French version, where nothing matters.
20:27Don't laugh.
20:30Stop buzzing.
20:33The points don't matter.
20:37The buzzing doesn't matter.
20:38I asked you to stop.
20:46All righty.
20:47Things you can say about your boat, but not your girlfriend.
20:56Oh, she's riding kind of low.
20:58Yeah, you can put a dozen guys down below.
21:06She's taking on water
21:18Nice aft
21:26Ah, nice trim
21:32She's going down
21:43Things you don't want to be shouting at a party
21:49When the loud music suddenly stops
21:51And it was all fixed with hemorrhoid cream
21:54I'm a narc
22:00No, I got a sex change
22:08I love Siegfried and Roy too
22:14Bad things to say or do
22:22To someone with a hairy back
22:23Would you just mind if I check?
22:31My keys have to be somewhere
22:32Poems about embarrassing moments
22:55My teacher was beautiful
23:10A beautiful lass
23:11But I was embarrassed in front of the class
23:15I would sit in the back
23:16Because I was quite a loner
23:18And then I
23:19It hasn't happened yet
23:30So please stick around
23:31Wait till you hear my song
23:33When we do the hoedown
23:34I was held up at gunpoint
23:40I did not know what to do
23:41He said, give me your money
23:43And I made number two
23:44It was my first time
23:52I felt such elation
23:53Oh no
23:55Premature ejaculation
23:57All right
24:05The worst soap opera cliffhanger lines
24:09Leading into a commercial
24:10What's for dinner
24:16Here kitty, kitty, kitty
24:26Wait a minute
24:35This says you shouldn't operate heavy machinery
24:39Honey, we're out of toilet paper
24:4999
24:56Here I come
25:00Okay
25:08Other people Dorothy might have met
25:10And what they would have asked the wizard for
25:12Hi Dorothy
25:16I want a different strokes reunion
25:18Hey Dorothy
25:25I'm Duke Carey
25:26I need some jokes to do in between scenes
25:28Dorothy
25:32I'm Ryan Stiles
25:34Drew just fired me
25:34Can I have a job?
25:39Hey Dorothy
25:40Hi
25:40I'm the Teflon eunuch
25:42We all got our troubles
25:53Hey
25:55Something you always wanted to tell your parents
25:58But couldn't
25:59Until now
26:00Mom, Dad
26:04I'm white
26:06I'm adopted
26:15I'm adopted
26:16Titles of self-help books written by dogs
26:27Because I can
26:33Because I can
26:33The difference between trees and legs
26:44World's worst person to share an elevator with
26:54Hi
26:56Hi
26:57Click
26:58One thousand points
26:59You always want to share an elevator with
27:18Hi
27:20Hello
27:24What phone sex operators are really doing
27:40on the other end of the line?
27:45Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
27:48Yeah, I'm Drew Carey.
27:54Uh-huh. No, no, go ahead. Go ahead.
28:06It's not that funny.
28:09Then by all means.
28:10Trust me on this one.
28:12No, I do trust you. I just want to see you.
28:13Go ahead.
28:14Come on.
28:19Oh, yes. Yes. Yat-Z.
28:22Yat-Z.
28:22Yat-Z.
28:22Yat-Z.
28:30Told ya.
28:30That's great.
28:32How men can make the most of their time
28:34while they are stuck cuddling with the little woman?
28:40101.
28:41101.
28:42102.
28:43Eat-Z.
28:46The last thing Drew Carey thinks before he drifts off to sleep.
29:06money.
29:14It's true, isn't it?
29:17Yep.
29:18Eat-Z.
29:18The last thing is he says.
29:19The last thing is he says.
29:21Money.
29:21It's true, isn't it?
29:22Yeah, it's true.
29:22Oh, he's so tall.
29:22Maybe tomorrow I'll lick his head.
29:36If statues could speak.
29:42Uh-oh.
29:45No, doo-doo, please.
29:47A little closer, a little closer.
29:54I'm peeing on you. I'm peeing on you.
30:01Hey, come on, baby. Statues stay harder longer.
30:08Take it for granted.
30:11All right.
30:13Oh, man, this could be...
30:16Things you don't want to see old people doing.
30:19Yeah.
30:21Aw.
30:23It's a big win.
30:25Yeah.
30:26It's a big win.
30:29Yeah.
30:30I think you can do it.
30:32Yeah.
30:33Oh.
30:34Whoa!
30:35Whoa, whoa, whoa!
30:37You want one?
30:38Yeah.
30:41Oh.
30:449-1-1!
30:57What?
31:07Hey!
31:08Outtakes from the Who's Line soap opera.
31:14Kathy.
31:15Wayne?
31:16I think Colin thinks I'm cute.
31:29Man, I should have read my contract.
31:31Zzzzzz!
31:34I should have read my contract.
31:49Munch, munch, munch.
31:52Drew carries my daddy.
32:01You're a smart man.
32:04I can't keep this secret any longer.
32:11Do you know why they always pick me to be the woman?
32:13Oh!
32:24The winning entries in the Hillbilly Poetry Competition.
32:31People say our love is a bunch of phooey,
32:33but when I want you, I yell,
32:35Suey!
32:41When you're gone, if you I myth,
32:44no one I love more than my mama says.
32:53You are the one.
32:54You are my lady.
32:55Hey, I like you more than a naked Ned Beatty.
33:02By the lake of Gitche Gummy.
33:05Shot a squirrel and edit.
33:06You know, I think they should really have a Hillbilly Poetry Contest up here next time.
33:18The right way and the wrong way.
33:24And the wrestler and the professor.
33:27I'm sorry, officer.
33:39Was I speeding?
33:41Suey!
33:47You're the only woman I've ever loved.
33:49What you would choose to do if you knew a huge meteor was about to hit the earth.
34:04Guess what?
34:05I'm not doing a hoedown tonight.
34:07In today's news...
34:14Viagra.
34:26Viagra.
34:27Bad things to see written in the sky.
34:40My engine just went out.
34:47Oh, this is a good one.
34:48Things they never write songs about.
34:50You and your constipation.
35:02My best friend is my colon.
35:06Yeah.
35:11Why do dogs always hump my leg?
35:20I just met a man named Drew today.
35:32I've got on my rubber glove.
35:35It's time now to think of love.
35:38Because your prostate...
35:39Weird things to get turned on by.
35:48Man, I could write a...
35:50I could write a book on that.
35:51I could write a book on that.
36:09Is that it?
36:14People, you don't want to get the book on that.
36:44caught with under the mistletoe.
36:51Oh, that's not true.
36:53That's not true.
37:03Celebrities who shouldn't release rap records.
37:14I said celebrities.
37:21I'm sorry, I thought you said studs.
37:26Well, I'm Newt Gingrich and I'm here to say.
37:33Well, no, no, no, you see, I'm a...
37:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
37:44Richard Simmons said lose some weight.
37:46Look at lose some weight.
37:47Everybody in the house, just lose some weight.
37:49Just stop.
37:51Go again and lose...
37:57I'm Stephen Hawking and I'm here to say I'm not...
38:03He shouldn't put out a rap record.
38:11Things are funky in the hood even.
38:15What's that?
38:17What's that?
38:18Are you scratching, Smagglepuss?
38:19Yeah.
38:21He shouldn't do it.
38:29Thoughts that keep Drew up at night.
38:35How am I going to get my lucky reindeer on the show?
38:37Huh?
38:44What Santa really does when he arrives down your chimney.
38:48And he's in your chimney.
38:54That's cool.
39:07Santa.
39:37Odd things to have written in icing on a cake.
39:54What Olympic medalists are really thinking
39:57while they're listening to the national anthem.
40:01I wonder how much I can get for this.
40:07All right.
40:10Times when eeny, meeny, miny, moe
40:12is not an appropriate selection method.
40:17All right.
40:19Eeny, meeny.
40:21I guess I'm the only doctor here, so...
40:28All right.
40:30Let's go to things the pilot wishes he hadn't said
40:35when the intercom was on.
40:37And we'll be cruising in an altitude of 45,000 feet.
40:41Give me another scotch on the rocks, would you?
40:47This is easier than I thought.
40:52I just love that movie where they crash into the mountain
40:54and eat each other.
40:55I'm so horny, I can't think straight.
41:14Things that shouldn't have ejector seats.
41:17I do.
41:27When beavers get lazy.
41:29A magazine that you'd never see at a newsstand.
41:47Cat Blender Weekly.
41:48Ice fishing disasters.
41:59I got the barbecue almost fired up.
42:08Unlikely greeting card messages.
42:10What a dark little man you are.
42:21What a dark little man you are.
42:25Lying about a stain at your dry cleaners.
42:27Um, it's ice cream.
42:32Oh, looks like a bit of pizza on there as well.
42:38Oh, that was nasty.
42:45Tattoos you'll regret later.
42:46Look, it's Regis Philbin.
42:59Let's go.
43:01What the birds are saying when they sing.
43:06I've been eating seed my entire life.
43:09Trying to build a nest for my nagging wife.
43:12I'm crapping on your car.
43:15Crapping on your car.
43:16Crapping on your car.
43:17I hate regurgitating.
43:21I hate regurgitating.
43:23Crapping on your car.
43:27I thought you were going to come here.
43:29Oh.
43:33Breakfast with the boneless family.
43:37Well, what are you going to have to...
43:38Oh, Lord.
43:40You want egg, honey?
43:42Uh, a bachelor's refrigerator.
43:52Hey, Colin, you want some sour milk or mustard?
43:57I'll just have the girl.
44:05Wow.
44:07Dark, dark, dark.
44:08What Bill Clinton's tombstone will say.
44:15This end up.
44:25Looking at the ugliest baby you've ever seen.
44:28It'll look better once it comes out.
44:37All right.
44:41Thank you very much.
44:42Now for a game called Scenes from a Hat.
44:45This is for all four of you.
44:46Brad and Colin, Ryan and Kathy, come forward to your positions.
44:49And what happens is before the show, we ask the audience members to write stuff down.
44:52Scenes they'd like to see.
44:53Put them all in this hat.
44:54Nobody's seen it before.
44:55Nobody's known what they are.
44:56And I'm going to read them out and see how many the performers can act out.
44:59Let's start out with, uh...
45:00Bad shampoo ads.
45:02I use the same kind.
45:18Practical jokes in the animal kingdom.
45:20I use the same kind.
45:20Practical jokes in the animal kingdom.
45:24The world's least romantic pick-up lines.
45:45Hmm.
45:47They smell like gravy.
45:54Not really part of the game, but hey, what the hell.
46:01Chocolates that would always be left until last.
46:04Hey, have you tried these pork eclairs?
46:16Pork eclairs, what's the problem with her?
46:18Really?
46:18Yeah.
46:18Pork eclairs.
46:25Yeah, she was hot.
46:27What Tonto went on to when he left the Lone Ranger?
46:31Hmm.
46:32Your Honor, I object.
46:40That's what Pork eclairs told me.
46:42I'm coming.
46:44Bad things to say when meeting your fiancé's parents.
46:48You smell like gravy.
46:53That's what?
46:54That's gonna be the running one.
46:59What?
47:01Uh, strange things to hear a priest say in a confessional.
47:07Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
47:11Me too.
47:12Me too.
47:12Me too.
47:14The other Spice Girls.
47:26Oh.
47:28I'm Velcro Spice.
47:30I'm Old Spice.
47:32I'm Gravy Spice.
47:35I'm Cilantro.
47:36Uh, unlikely places to discover oil.
47:49Hey, what's that shooting out of your ass?
47:55Better do some drilling.
47:57Don't be so crude.
48:01That's it.
48:06Thank you so much.
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