Lesbian Hurican Bianca 2 movie

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Transcript

00:00:00Deb or Debra?

00:00:27Never.

00:00:30Leave the f***ing time at home, okay?

00:00:33I'm f***ing you.

00:00:34You just hold the legs.

00:00:36Got it?

00:00:37May you never, flame dog.

00:00:39She put the MILF in Milford High.

00:00:43Now, she's behind bars.

00:00:46Debbie Ward, a former Texas Teacher of the Year,

00:00:48tried to rig last year's contest so her daughter could win.

00:00:52Yeah, she kidnapped her daughter's main rival,

00:00:55Miss Bianca Del Rio, who I was shocked to find out was a dude.

00:00:59She basically got our teacher fired for just being gay.

00:01:03That's when the notorious New York homosexual

00:01:05returned to Milford High as the fabulous Bianca Del Rio.

00:01:09Now, she don't even look like a woman.

00:01:12What kind of unnatural woman?

00:01:16She's biting me.

00:01:17A snake attack at a local high school.

00:01:20Did her breast implants save her life?

00:01:23And then Miss Del Rio got her revenge, and it was so good.

00:01:29This is not true. This is a conspiracy.

00:01:33Vice Principal Debra Ward exposed as the infamous Miss First.

00:01:37She was aoltaker of underage male virginities.

00:01:39Hey, you don't have to squish me!

00:01:40That tampering Texas Temptress, Debi Ward,

00:01:43maintains her innocence.

00:01:45And to this day insists that Bianca Del Rio, not she...

00:01:49Is the one who should be locked up in the counting jail.

00:01:54Lock her up! Lock her up!

00:01:57Rise and shine, bitch.

00:01:59What are you doing here?

00:02:01You wanted me punished?

00:02:03Well, here I am.

00:02:05Who'd have thought they'd make us cellmates?

00:02:07Life's pretty fucked up, isn't it?

00:02:09This can't be happening.

00:02:11We're gonna be prison pals. We're gonna eat together.

00:02:13We're gonna sleep in the same cell.

00:02:15We're gonna watch each other on the toilet.

00:02:19Help! Someone get me out of here!

00:02:21We're gonna be together a long time, you and I.

00:02:24No hard feelings, Debbie.

00:02:26I might even give you a makeover.

00:02:28You'd look really pretty bald.

00:02:31Now, make sure no one's coming,

00:02:33because I've gotta take a huge dump,

00:02:36and boy is it gonna stink.

00:02:46Bianca!

00:02:53One more night terror for the road, I guess.

00:02:56Lucky you.

00:02:57Now get up.

00:02:58Time for your release.

00:02:59Take a seat.

00:03:13We just have some forms for you to fill out,

00:03:15and a little something special before you go.

00:03:19I just wanna thank you.

00:03:21This whole experience has been a revelation for me.

00:03:24I'm a new woman.

00:03:25Sure you are.

00:03:27You know, I was worried that being in solitary for so long

00:03:30that you might have missed out on some of the pleasures

00:03:33that prison life has to offer.

00:03:35Oh, but I didn't.

00:03:37That first night in solitary with the cockroaches crawling around my ears,

00:03:40I didn't think I was gonna make it.

00:03:42But then, I saw him.

00:03:44Saw who?

00:03:45My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

00:03:47I smashed a cockroach up against the wall with my bare hands,

00:03:50and there he was in the goo, the face of Jesus.

00:03:54And right then, I knew I was born again.

00:03:59Again.

00:04:00Okay, I don't think that's a thing.

00:04:02Oh, it is.

00:04:03I baptized myself in the toilet just to be sure.

00:04:05And now that I'm getting out,

00:04:07I'm gonna do the work God intended me to do.

00:04:10Charity shit or something?

00:04:12I'm gonna kill Bianca Del Rio.

00:04:16Excuse me?

00:04:18With kindness.

00:04:19I'm gonna kill her with Christian kindness.

00:04:27That's one crazy bitch.

00:04:29She can't even spell.

00:04:31Look at this shit.

00:04:40Watch out, Bianca Del Rio.

00:04:44I'm coming for ya.

00:04:47Isn't anyone gonna pick me up?

00:04:52No!

00:05:01This is who I am inside.

00:05:06Oh, no.

00:05:08Way up in the air.

00:05:11Where my wings are open wide.

00:05:14I'm gonna fly.

00:05:16I'm gonna fly.

00:05:17They don't understand me.

00:05:30They'll never feel the same.

00:05:33I'm gonna fly.

00:05:37I'm gonna fly.

00:05:38And they're not gonna stop me.

00:05:40They know nothing about me.

00:05:42They don't even know my name.

00:05:44They don't even know my name.

00:05:51I'm gonna fly.

00:05:53They don't understand me.

00:05:54They'll never feel the same.

00:05:55I'm gonna fly.

00:05:56I'm gonna fly.

00:05:57They don't understand me.

00:05:58They don't understand me.

00:05:59They'll never feel the same.

00:06:00I'm gonna fly.

00:06:01And they're not gonna stop me.

00:06:02They know nothing about me.

00:06:03They don't even know my name.

00:06:04They don't even know my name.

00:06:06They don't even know my name.

00:06:16They don't even know my name.

00:06:20No, no, Melanie. I'm pretty sure that the earth is round.

00:06:41Hey, Mr. Martinez?

00:06:42Uh, yeah. Can you tell me about Sputnik again?

00:06:44Oh, look at you taking an interesting class.

00:06:47Isn't Sputnik Russian for potato?

00:06:48Well, actually, Sputnik was launched in 1957.

00:06:52You remember that year?

00:06:53That was the year that your grandmother slept with her uncle

00:06:54and gave birth to your dad cousin?

00:06:57Bye, Mr. Martinez.

00:06:59Bye, kid.

00:06:59Listen, make sure you get those term papers done.

00:07:02They are due in a week.

00:07:03And I know you potheads don't want to spend your spring break doing homework.

00:07:08Surprise, bitch!

00:07:10Oh!

00:07:12What are you doing here?

00:07:15And Rex!

00:07:17Where is Bailey?

00:07:21Oh, honey, I left Bailey kenneled up in New York City.

00:07:23She's fine.

00:07:24But, you know, Rex here is a helpless baby person,

00:07:26and she couldn't be left alone, so, ta-da!

00:07:29Hello, Rex!

00:07:30How was rehab?

00:07:32This bar looks closed.

00:07:34That's because it's a high school baby.

00:07:35You expect Rex to know what a high school is?

00:07:37He was educated in a Barbie dream house.

00:07:40When you pull the string, the elevator goes up.

00:07:42Ooh, science 101.

00:07:44Oh, mama, it's gotten worse.

00:07:46I asked her for directions on the way here.

00:07:48She pointed at the windshield and said,

00:07:50We're going that way.

00:07:52Well, I'm glad to see not much has changed.

00:07:55Especially not in this small-ass Texas town.

00:07:57It still looks like 1865.

00:07:59Why are you still here?

00:08:01Well, someone has to teach these inbred twats

00:08:03that the world is older than those pants.

00:08:06Really, girl?

00:08:07Navy blue capri length at your age?

00:08:10My age?

00:08:11You have been gone from New York City for a while.

00:08:13These came back.

00:08:15This bar looks dead, and I finished my drink.

00:08:17Wait a minute.

00:08:18Have you been drinking lighter fluid?

00:08:20I'm hoping that that's just alcohol in a flask,

00:08:22because she downed the last of my Xanax with that shit.

00:08:26Thought they were Mentos.

00:08:27The fresh maker.

00:08:29She should be dead, right?

00:08:31Years ago.

00:08:32Okay.

00:08:33Come on, let's give you a ride to your place.

00:08:35Come on, girl.

00:08:35I got my car back.

00:08:36Did you get your license back?

00:08:37Well, technically, no.

00:08:38Oh, come on.

00:08:39Come on, Rex, baby.

00:08:40Oh, yeah.

00:08:40Come on.

00:08:41Baby steps.

00:08:41Put it in the back.

00:08:42I think the lesson is,

00:08:44make sure your husband's penis

00:08:45isn't inside the sink drain

00:08:47before you turn on the garbage disposal.

00:08:50Thanks for the tip.

00:08:52And later in the show,

00:08:53we've got Marsha Marshall,

00:08:55who is going to show us

00:08:56ten different ways

00:08:56to decorate your cat

00:08:58for Easter.

00:08:59Meow.

00:09:00But first,

00:09:01back in the news,

00:09:02in the headlines,

00:09:03Russia,

00:09:04Vladimir Putin

00:09:05has assigned

00:09:06a new prime minister

00:09:07of homosexual propaganda.

00:09:10Svetlana Zopalost.

00:09:12Oh, well, there you go.

00:09:14That is a mouthful.

00:09:16Yikes.

00:09:17She looks like fun at a party.

00:09:19Unless your party is gay,

00:09:20because those are illegal.

00:09:22That's right,

00:09:23you Russian queers.

00:09:24Don't even think about

00:09:26decorating your cat for Easter.

00:09:27You might land in jail.

00:09:29Does Russia even celebrate Easter?

00:09:32Other countries are just so weird.

00:09:35Doug, don't talk bad about Russia.

00:09:37They might hack your emails.

00:09:39Mama, you're back.

00:09:41What happened?

00:09:42Release me.

00:09:43No one was there to pick me up,

00:09:44so I had to walk home.

00:09:45I'm sorry.

00:09:46I didn't know.

00:09:46It's okay.

00:09:47Walk did me good.

00:09:48Gave me time to clear my head.

00:09:49Gave me time to think.

00:09:50I came up with six new ways

00:09:52to get Bianca Del Rio fired

00:09:54and out of our lives.

00:09:55All I need is a T-shirt cannon

00:09:57and four live raccoons.

00:09:59Mama, you need to forget her.

00:10:01After the trial and all that publicity,

00:10:02there's nothing the district can do

00:10:04to get rid of her.

00:10:04It's over.

00:10:06No, no, no, no, no.

00:10:07I'm not going to let Bianca Del Rio win.

00:10:09Uh-uh.

00:10:10Well, we need money.

00:10:11We're two payments behind on the mortgage.

00:10:13Rent is sent to repossess the recliner.

00:10:15And remember how my boobs popped?

00:10:17Of course.

00:10:17Well, the doctor says

00:10:18if I can't get on next season of Botched,

00:10:20it's going to be $10,000

00:10:21for reconstructive surgery.

00:10:23That's if I want them the same size.

00:10:25As before?

00:10:26As each other.

00:10:27Mama, we are broke.

00:10:28This little scheme's yours

00:10:29just make things worse.

00:10:30Is this what you want?

00:10:31A world where freaks and homosexuals

00:10:34get to do whatever they desire?

00:10:36Nuh-uh.

00:10:37I did not pray to President Trump

00:10:39every morning

00:10:40to turn this country

00:10:41into a big transgender toilet.

00:10:43How are we going to make America great again?

00:10:45But Bianca Del Rio's still in it.

00:10:47No!

00:10:48Where's my chair?

00:10:50Oh, it's okay, Mama.

00:10:52We're going to get you a job.

00:10:54We're going to get back on our feet again.

00:10:55Get me back into a bra again.

00:10:57Ah, prison was so hard.

00:10:58Early, you don't even know.

00:11:00I need soup for the spork.

00:11:02Our Christmas eggnog was spiked

00:11:03with Old Spice.

00:11:05Getting revenge on Bianca

00:11:07was the only thing getting me through.

00:11:10There, there, Mama.

00:11:10What are you watching?

00:11:15Oh, Texas today.

00:11:15I never miss a show.

00:11:18So, some human right activists

00:11:20are mad because in Russia

00:11:22they can throw anyone

00:11:23they even suspect

00:11:24of being gay

00:11:25in jail without a trial.

00:11:27Well, you know me.

00:11:28I don't hate the homosexuals.

00:11:30No.

00:11:31Even after Roger burned my neck

00:11:32with a curling iron last week

00:11:34and I still think it was on purpose.

00:11:36But, you know,

00:11:37you can still be fired here

00:11:38just for being gay.

00:11:39But that doesn't mean

00:11:40you have to be mad about it

00:11:42and start waving your hands

00:11:43in the air with a hot iron.

00:11:45You should be grateful

00:11:46for what you have.

00:11:47Exactly.

00:11:48Just because it's legal

00:11:49to discriminate against anyone

00:11:51at a bakery

00:11:52anytime, anywhere

00:11:53at least we're not

00:11:54throwing you in prison.

00:11:56Right.

00:11:57You think Texas is bad?

00:11:59You should try to go

00:12:00to Saudi Arabia, Roger.

00:12:02It's worse than Russia.

00:12:03They throw homosexuals

00:12:05off buildings there.

00:12:07My God, that is not fun

00:12:09and it's very humid.

00:12:12Nice dress, Debra.

00:12:13When Renna Center

00:12:14took your recliner

00:12:15I see they left you

00:12:16with the fat.

00:12:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:12:33Maybe those terrorist arabs are on to something.

00:12:41Ah, great.

00:12:44Another episode of Little House on the Dreary.

00:12:47Where does Ma Ingalls keep her moonshine?

00:12:51The alcohol's above the sink in the kitchen.

00:12:53Anything under the sink is poison.

00:12:56So help yourself to whatever you want down there.

00:12:59I cannot believe that you brought wrecks in effect here.

00:13:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:04Well, I thought he needed a change of scenery.

00:13:06And he's not the only one.

00:13:09Seriously, here you are.

00:13:11You're still at that same school.

00:13:13Still in the same old raggedy-ass house.

00:13:16Uh, girl.

00:13:16I moved.

00:13:18Still in a new raggedy house.

00:13:21Still with those glasses.

00:13:23And I know damn well that LASIK has made it to Texas.

00:13:26Baby, you know they'll take any excuse they can

00:13:28to shoot someone in the face around here.

00:13:29I am so glad that you drove all the way from Fire Island

00:13:33in a rented car to criticize my life.

00:13:36Me too, sis.

00:13:38Great catching up.

00:13:39Okay, listen.

00:13:40I'm fine here.

00:13:41Did you get the raise?

00:13:43No.

00:13:43Sleeping with the hot coach?

00:13:45No.

00:13:45Then how is any of this fine?

00:13:47And I'm not even talking about those hideous-ass curtains over there, okay?

00:13:50I think...

00:13:50I, I, listen.

00:13:52Bianca made you sort of famous.

00:13:54Well, gay famous.

00:13:56Which is like straight famous except you don't make as much money.

00:13:59And in America, the only reason to be famous is to,

00:14:01say it with me now,

00:14:03get laid and get paid.

00:14:06Yeah, I read your shirt.

00:14:08I made that shirt.

00:14:09And this.

00:14:10I make things.

00:14:12I'm a maker.

00:14:13The fresh maker.

00:14:14Wee!

00:14:16Wee!

00:14:17Yeah, uh, listen.

00:14:29You need more Bianca in your life.

00:14:32No.

00:14:32Bianca is upstairs in the closet where she belongs.

00:14:35Nobody wants to see any more Bianca.

00:14:37Much less Bianca teaching chemistry.

00:14:39Bianca does not just have to teach.

00:14:41Look, Ambrosia Salad's been wearing that same-ass green wig

00:14:44and same broken down heels since Stonewall,

00:14:46and she's still making the money, honey.

00:14:49What is so wrong with me being here teaching?

00:14:51That's what I moved here to do.

00:14:53Well, you know what?

00:14:55Enough about me.

00:14:57Okay, better question.

00:14:58Are you staying for dinner?

00:15:00Yes or no?

00:15:02Because I've got a box of wine

00:15:04that isn't gonna drink itself.

00:15:07A girl's night in?

00:15:09Mm-hmm.

00:15:10You had me at box, bitch.

00:15:12Come on, girl.

00:15:13Don't shit in my skillet!

00:15:15Oh, shit.

00:15:16I made coffee.

00:15:32What happened last night?

00:15:33I can't remember anything.

00:15:36This is vodka!

00:15:38It's coffee flavored.

00:15:40You bitches put me through it last night

00:15:42and that is not helping.

00:15:43Oh, girl.

00:15:45You're just out of practice, that's all?

00:15:47Yeah, it's as easy as falling off a bike.

00:15:50I never forget how.

00:15:52We had fun!

00:15:53And you let loose.

00:15:54And we even got a little Bianca Del Rio up in there.

00:15:58What?

00:15:59Oh, God.

00:16:01Oh, I'm not sure this is progress.

00:16:05I finally met the famous Bianca Del Rio.

00:16:08She's the thought more fun than you, believe me.

00:16:11Oh, shut up.

00:16:12Hey, what's for the bag?

00:16:15Under your eyes?

00:16:16Oh, just passing through, honey.

00:16:18Bye, girls.

00:16:19Wait, wait, wait.

00:16:20Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:16:22Where are you going?

00:16:23Where are you going?

00:16:26I know you just didn't come here for an intervention.

00:16:29No, but I could have.

00:16:30Now, sister, listen.

00:16:31What I say next to you, I say with the light of the sweet baby Jesus.

00:16:35Look at what you've become.

00:16:36An elderly woman living alone on a fixed income.

00:16:39You make money, but you never make enough to leave.

00:16:42That's called Texas Hold'em.

00:16:43I think I have a deck of cards in my ass.

00:16:47Look, I'm from here.

00:16:48I know how it is.

00:16:50Pull Bianca out of that genie bottle and make your escape now.

00:16:54Oh, great.

00:16:54And just go back to New York with the two of you?

00:16:57Oh, not New York, honey.

00:16:58I'm going to Hollywood.

00:17:00Well, technically Long Beach, but...

00:17:02It's like Hollywood, but for lesbians and fat people.

00:17:06I'm performing on a cruise ship.

00:17:09Cruise ship?

00:17:09How are you going to take Rex on a cruise ship?

00:17:11He can barely stand up on dry land.

00:17:13Ugh, I'm not going.

00:17:15I'm staying here with you.

00:17:17Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:17:20No, no, you are not leaving me with this thing.

00:17:22Maybe the sweet Texas sun has made your brain soft.

00:17:25Rex is your problem.

00:17:27Bailey is mine.

00:17:28That's how this whole little sister's big messes program works.

00:17:32I have been gone for over a year.

00:17:33Rex is no longer my problem.

00:17:35When you temporarily left, you took your little goldfish,

00:17:39but you left your not quite fish with me.

00:17:41Now I've got bigger fish to fry,

00:17:43so Rex is yours again.

00:17:45I'm fine.

00:17:46I just need some electrolytes.

00:17:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:17:51Listen, you did not bring him here before.

00:17:53Why are you bringing him here now?

00:17:55Because before he had a man,

00:17:56but since he swallowed that bag of pennies, well,

00:17:58is this Red Bull or Gatorade?

00:18:02That's antifreeze.

00:18:03Get away from there.

00:18:05I told you you'd be a good mom,

00:18:07and not just because of your hips.

00:18:09Your life was empty.

00:18:10I gave it purpose.

00:18:12You're welcome, bitch.

00:18:13No, no, no, no.

00:18:14No, you're welcome, bitch.

00:18:15Steven, do not do this to me.

00:18:16I'm gone, bitch.

00:18:16Do not do this to me.

00:18:17I hate you.

00:18:18Steven, this is unfair.

00:18:19I hope you follow the propeller, you nasty bitch.

00:18:22Go fish.

00:18:35I thought you were a nocturnal creature.

00:18:41Go on, get out of here.

00:18:42Get out of here.

00:18:43Keep your Bianca faces away from me.

00:18:51Look, Mom, I'm pretty good.

00:18:53Yeah, looks like you're smuggling fenders across the border.

00:18:55Don't worry, Carly.

00:18:57You'll get your real fake boob soon.

00:18:58I got a plan.

00:18:59A job plan, right?

00:19:01An overly complicated revenge plot.

00:19:03I got bit by those raccoons, by the way.

00:19:05What's the worst place on earth?

00:19:06Texas in July.

00:19:08Worse than Texas.

00:19:09Bigger than Texas.

00:19:10Stricter than Texas.

00:19:12Russia?

00:19:13That's where vodka gets born.

00:19:15And elections get stolen.

00:19:17Who cares when you're the winner?

00:19:19An all-expense-paid first-class ticket to Moscow.

00:19:22This smells like a scam.

00:19:23Don't look a gift whore in the mouth.

00:19:26Because she probably has jacked up teeth.

00:19:29I mean, how did I win a contest that I didn't even enter?

00:19:32Because you didn't win.

00:19:33Look, Bianca won.

00:19:36We're pleased to honor the Teacher of the Year, Bianca Del Rio, at the Annual Alchemy and Manufactory Exposition.

00:19:43And present her with a cash prize of $100,000 paid in real American money.

00:19:50Seems legit.

00:19:52I guess this means Bianca's coming back.

00:19:57Crunch.

00:19:57I was watching that show you like, and they were talking about how they throw gays off buildings in Saudi Arabia.

00:20:03And I'm thinking, how do I get Bianca Del Rio to Riyadh?

00:20:06You can't throw someone off a building, Mama.

00:20:09I know.

00:20:10I mean, they barely let you drive there.

00:20:12So then I'm thinking, okay, what's the next best worst place there is?

00:20:15Russia.

00:20:16But why would Bianca Del Rio go to Russia?

00:20:18Easy.

00:20:19I sent her a letter saying she won the Teaching Award, only she has to go to Russia to get it.

00:20:24Knowing her, that's an offer her ego can't refuse.

00:20:27And once they get a good look at her, they'll know she's a queerbait, drag queen freak and lock her up.

00:20:31What?

00:20:32So, pack those bum bags.

00:20:34We're going to Russia.

00:20:36I can't just fly to Russia.

00:20:38It's the middle of the school year.

00:20:40How drunk are you?

00:20:42I'm completely sober.

00:20:44This is my one-hour chip.

00:20:46I'm full.

00:20:49And you can't go either.

00:20:50You said that you just got that job off your app.

00:20:52I did.

00:20:53Last night in the park.

00:20:55I know you think I don't work hard, but I'll work two jobs at once if I have to.

00:20:59Or if one of them is really hot.

00:21:02Remember when I told you that when you talk, it makes people sad?

00:21:05What have you got to lose?

00:21:07Call the number on the letter.

00:21:08If it's legit, free trip to Russia and all that money.

00:21:12Well, the expo is during spring break.

00:21:17And $100,000 is a lot of money.

00:21:19And as much as I hate to admit it, Stephen was right.

00:21:22There's absolutely nothing keeping me here in Texas.

00:21:25Less than nothing.

00:21:27Okay, fine.

00:21:29Do svidaniya, Texas.

00:21:31Bianca Del Rio's going to Russia.

00:21:33I can't wait to see Bianca in action.

00:21:38No, no, no.

00:21:39You're not coming with me.

00:21:40I'm sure there's some long-term kennel I can put you in.

00:21:42You owe me.

00:21:44You left New York, and I didn't even get to say goodbye.

00:21:47Bitch, you were in the ICU.

00:21:50Oh, yeah.

00:21:51That was a fun party.

00:21:52Well, if I can't go to Russia, I guess I'll just stay here.

00:21:58Unattended.

00:22:00Hey, you don't need your cleaning deposit back, do you?

00:22:03Okay, okay, put it down.

00:22:04Put it down.

00:22:04Fine, fine, fine.

00:22:06Bianca and Rex are going to Russia.

00:22:11Hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:22:14And listen, we are going as friends.

00:22:16Don't get handsy, because if you do, I'm going to throw you in the dumpster.

00:22:19Like the one you were born in on prom night.

00:22:21I just need to check in with the CDC before I go.

00:22:26They always like to know where I am.

00:22:30Now I have to take a Silkwood shower.

00:22:34It's gross.

00:22:37So how does sending Bianca to Russia get us out of debt and me in a bigger bra?

00:22:41First, we go to Russia.

00:22:43Then, we watch the Minister of Homosexual Propaganda put Bianca in jail forever.

00:22:48Next, we get your boobs fixed dirt cheap in Moscow.

00:22:52That whole country is like one giant dollar store.

00:22:54Then, with Bianca out of the picture, I can get my old job back at the school.

00:22:58I mean, it's Lou's win-win-win.

00:23:01Wait, if we can't even afford a recliner, how are we going to afford to get to Russia?

00:23:04Well, I may have had myself declared legally dead and collected the insurance money

00:23:09by pretending to be my imaginary twin sister.

00:23:12But we'll sort all that out when we get back.

00:23:14From Russia!

00:23:16Wig glue!

00:23:18Do you have any more wig glue?

00:23:20I'm out.

00:23:20I told you not to huff that stuff.

00:23:22You barely have a two-digit IQ as it is.

00:23:25I use it for legitimate purposes.

00:23:27I've been downloading a lot of apps on my phone.

00:23:34Translators, local restaurant guides, both hook-up apps.

00:23:38Apparently, there's a lot of bears in Russia that are lesbians.

00:23:45Where do you think you're going dressed like that?

00:23:47Moscow.

00:23:48How are you going to get through airport security?

00:23:51Okay, I'll change, but I don't want to miss our 9 o'clock flight.

00:23:54Yeah, 9, 9 p.m. at night on Saturday.

00:23:59It's Wednesday, you dink.

00:24:01Here.

00:24:02Now, listen, I've got two more days at the high school before we're out of here.

00:24:05Do not swallow a jar full of pennies while I'm gone.

00:24:11That only happened once.

00:24:13Mama, why does Bianca get to fly first class to Russia?

00:24:25We're stuck hiding in this shipping container.

00:24:27I had to make sure Bianca took the bait.

00:24:29Also, now that I'm legally dead, I technically don't have a passport anymore.

00:24:36Now, why's your bag more ready?

00:24:37Oh, I brought one of the raccoon's mom in case we need it.

00:24:41Or if we get hungry, I mean, it's going to be a long trip.

00:24:45Old Spice?

00:24:46No.

00:24:47No.

00:24:50Whoa!

00:24:51I'm convinced that the movie Psycho was filmed in that bathroom.

00:25:21Oh, thank God.

00:25:24The only thing that would make this room worse is having to share a bed with you.

00:25:27You should be so lucky.

00:25:29You know, this place is really, really gross.

00:25:31It makes Motel 6 look high-end.

00:25:34No wonder Tolstoy was so depressing.

00:25:37Right?

00:25:37Remember in Tolstoy 3 when they were all holding hands in the furnace?

00:25:41I didn't know a cartoon could wreck my shit like that.

00:25:45You should talk less and maybe read more.

00:25:47Oh, at least the room comes with a complimentary bottle of vodka.

00:25:51Yeah, well, we can use that as disinfectant.

00:25:53I can see Alaska from my room.

00:25:56I don't think so.

00:25:58Hi.

00:26:08Yeah, well, luckily, we're not going to have to be here long.

00:26:11Just a few days.

00:26:13But we got to soak up some local color.

00:26:18Oh, God.

00:26:19I want to go down to the expo and let them know that I'm here.

00:26:23House Hunters!

00:26:25I love this show.

00:26:26I like house number one.

00:26:28The open concept kitchen had good flow between the living room and bedroom

00:26:32because no interior walls.

00:26:35But we'd have to draw water from the well out back

00:26:38since we didn't have indoor plumbing.

00:26:39Neither did house number three.

00:26:41The crumbling living room walls let in a lot of natural light,

00:26:45which we need because someone stripped the copper wiring.

00:26:48That desperate hovel was great,

00:26:51but I don't like a wall with so many nails in it.

00:26:54We aren't royalty.

00:26:56I like house number two.

00:26:57It's not for ice cream.

00:26:58But on the small side and a little too close to Chernobyl.

00:27:02Yes, but the interior walls and the updated bathroom sold me.

00:27:07I think house number two.

00:27:09A nice young heterosexual couple choose correctly.

00:27:12The second house with its modern decor,

00:27:15functioning appliances,

00:27:17and a tasteful use of rich colors.

00:27:20Obviously the work of a deviant homosexual

00:27:22who must be punished.

00:27:24House Hunters has really gone downhill

00:27:26since they got rid of Suzanne Wong.

00:27:28That's not House Hunters.

00:27:29That's homo Hunters.

00:27:31And look, it's that Svetlana,

00:27:33that Russian bitch.

00:27:34She's the minister of homosexual propaganda.

00:27:37Yeah, she's the one that puts all the gays in prison.

00:27:39For making her wear that jacket?

00:27:41No, asshole, for being gay.

00:27:43Russia has very strict laws,

00:27:45which is why it's very important

00:27:46for you to be inconspicuous.

00:27:49Do you know what that word means?

00:27:50Inconspicuous is my middle name.

00:27:52I have mean parents.

00:27:57Hey, girls!

00:27:59Thank you so much for being inconspicuous.

00:28:01What? I don't want people to know we're at a science fair.

00:28:03All we have to do is find the coordinator

00:28:05and let them know that Bianca will be here tomorrow

00:28:08to collect the check,

00:28:09and then we're out of here.

00:28:11Siri, how do you say hot nerd in Russian?

00:28:14I am not Siri, you capitalist pig.

00:28:17See?

00:28:17Just look around.

00:28:19You don't need an app for that.

00:28:20Oh, my boredom is zero feet away.

00:28:23And so we do this,

00:28:24and we can release with our eyeball

00:28:27and our genital, with our neck,

00:28:28a miracle of life.

00:28:30And so I see...

00:28:32Oh, what is missing?

00:28:36Okay.

00:28:37To life bulb, we cut potato in half.

00:28:40Find two coins if you can spare them,

00:28:42two nails from the house next door,

00:28:44and a little bit of copper wire.

00:28:46Now, copper wire is easy to fetch from the neighbor

00:28:48because once you take the two nails,

00:28:50the house pulls down.

00:28:51He's cute.

00:28:51When we get back to the hotel,

00:28:53remind me to get on to the basement

00:28:54and find your standards.

00:28:57Standards coming from you?

00:28:58You're the one that found the sex offender registry

00:29:00and thought it was a dating site.

00:29:02Add all these materials together to the potato,

00:29:04and we're making electricity.

00:29:07Any questions?

00:29:09Dad.

00:29:10When do we eat potato?

00:29:12Oh.

00:29:13How many share in one half of potato?

00:29:16The whole family?

00:29:18Potatoes are making electricity,

00:29:19not for eating.

00:29:21Oh.

00:29:28Hi, I'm Richard Martinez,

00:29:30and I'm a science teacher from America,

00:29:32and this is my friend Rex,

00:29:35and we've come here for the science expo.

00:29:38Hi.

00:29:39Meet ya.

00:29:40Short for Dimitri.

00:29:41Meet ya.

00:29:42Nice to meet ya.

00:29:43Oh, look.

00:29:48Anything else.

00:29:56Reunion lunch sue, Mama.

00:29:58That raccoon wasn't very filly.

00:29:59Yeah, yeah.

00:30:00I just gotta find Bianca,

00:30:01and I gotta the police rush in here and arrest her.

00:30:03Oh, it will be glorious.

00:30:08Why did the Russian hooker pee on the mattress?

00:30:10Because she thought it was you, Deborah.

00:30:12Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

00:30:42Come on, let's go back to the hotel.

00:30:44I don't know how to get rid of her hair.

00:30:46America's a long way to come just for a little alchemy expo.

00:30:49Well, I'm, I mean, a friend of mine is getting a prize,

00:30:53so I only came here tonight to meet up with the organizer.

00:30:56Ah, Sasha. It's gone already, but we'll be back tomorrow.

00:31:00Will, um, you be here tomorrow?

00:31:02Yes. I see you then?

00:31:04Sure.

00:31:05Okay.

00:31:08See you then.

00:31:09Yeah.

00:31:10See you then.

00:31:11Bye-bye.

00:31:12Please don't die.

00:31:14All I'm saying is keep it in your panties.

00:31:17I mean, Russia's already dangerous enough for the both of us

00:31:19without you making a spectacle of yourself.

00:31:21Oh, don't come for me.

00:31:22I saw you over there with the queen of the nerd herd.

00:31:24God, your meet cute was so pathetic.

00:31:26If I still had a gag reflex, I'd borrow it.

00:31:27I'd borrow it.

00:31:28I'd borrow it.

00:31:29I'd borrow it.

00:31:30I'd borrow it.

00:31:31I'd borrow it.

00:31:32I'd borrow it.

00:31:33I'd borrow it.

00:31:34I'd borrow it.

00:31:35I'd borrow it.

00:31:36I'd borrow it.

00:31:37I'd borrow it.

00:31:38I'd borrow it.

00:31:39I'd borrow it.

00:31:40I'd borrow it.

00:31:41I'd borrow it.

00:31:42I'd borrow it.

00:31:43It was the only interesting person at that place.

00:31:45And really?

00:31:46Is that what they call a science fair here in Russia?

00:31:48Pretty flimsy for a country that hacked elections.

00:31:50Exactly.

00:31:51Which doesn't explain how they can afford those plane tickets and the $100,000 prize.

00:31:55You always overthink everything.

00:31:57You know what?

00:31:58You always underthink everything.

00:32:00You see?

00:32:01You see what you did there?

00:32:02You and Steven always say that we're friends, but you talk about me like I'm your nephew

00:32:07with Alzheimer's.

00:32:08All I'm saying is that you should trust me more.

00:32:11Why don't you just relax and enjoy all that Russia has to offer?

00:32:16Yeah.

00:32:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:18Relax and enjoy.

00:32:23Is this your room?

00:32:24Uh, yeah.

00:32:25What seems to be the trouble, officer?

00:32:29Whose suitcase is this?

00:32:30Oh.

00:32:31Bianca.

00:32:32Is Bianca a flaming drag queen?

00:32:34A degenerate homosexual?

00:32:36Yes.

00:32:37Actually, Bianca was gonna take these clothes and wigs to her mother's to cheer her up because

00:32:43she's really sick.

00:32:44Cancer.

00:32:45Hey, hey, hey, I'm not just, I'm not just...

00:32:48Oh.

00:32:49Break.

00:32:50Break.

00:32:51Break.

00:32:52So far, your plan of relaxing and waiting to see what Russia has in store for us really

00:33:03worked out great, didn't it?

00:33:04Now what are we gonna do?

00:33:06Now that the police have confiscated all of our drag.

00:33:09I went through your bag.

00:33:10Most of it was from an outlet mall anyway.

00:33:12There was 50 cents in my purse.

00:33:13We'll replace the rest when we go home.

00:33:15They're expecting Bianca Del Rio tomorrow at the expo.

00:33:18But how is Bianca gonna go there and collect the $100,000 check when Bianca's being hauled

00:33:22away in a bag?

00:33:24You can use my outfit.

00:33:26You can have my wig.

00:33:27We'll lift this dress out in the back.

00:33:30A lot.

00:33:31And nobody will know any better.

00:33:32Well, that's not gonna work.

00:33:33Because they've probably already seen pictures of me on the internet.

00:33:36Internet?

00:33:37They barely have electricity.

00:33:39You've seen your boyfriend and his potato.

00:33:41It's pathetic.

00:33:42Bianca has brown hair.

00:33:44And that dress of yours is a walking bacterial test strip.

00:33:46What we need to do is find somebody in this country that has drag.

00:33:50We can create a new Bianca.

00:33:52I could go in, collect the check, and get the hell out of here.

00:33:55Because the longer we stay here, the bigger chance we have of somebody giving us a one-way ticket to a Siberian hellhole.

00:34:00You're so dramatic.

00:34:02Fine.

00:34:03I'll ask some guys on this app if there's a gay bar around here.

00:34:06I'm sure there's a tragic drag show.

00:34:08There always is.

00:34:09We'll steal some looks, collect that check, and head back to Texas.

00:34:13What do you know?

00:34:15I guess I do have some gag reflex left.

00:34:18I'm full of surprises.

00:34:20Gross.

00:34:22Mama, you'll never guess what I got.

00:34:29Stop scratching or it won't heal right.

00:34:32I'm not going to heal right until that doctor fixes me.

00:34:35We've been in Moscow two hours and Bianca isn't in jail yet.

00:34:38What kind of country is this?

00:34:39You called the police and reported a room full of flaming drag queens and homosexuals.

00:34:44What more can we do?

00:34:45Can we please get some lunch and find that doctor?

00:34:48We'll get some food on the way.

00:34:50Those queer burgers found a gay bar they're going to.

00:34:53This could be our big break.

00:34:54Mmm, burgers.

00:34:56But first, we'll need a disguise.

00:35:04Where are we?

00:35:05I don't know.

00:35:06We're in Russia.

00:35:07It smells like desperation.

00:35:09We must be close.

00:35:17Ah!

00:35:21Glass most?

00:35:22Yes!

00:35:23Welcome to Club Katya.

00:35:44I am your hostess, Katya.

00:35:46Hello, Katya.

00:35:47This is my friend, Rex, and my name is Richard.

00:35:50Ah, yes.

00:35:51Nice to meet you.

00:35:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:35:54Well, I was wondering, Katya, if you could help us out.

00:35:57I'm looking for some drag.

00:35:59Oh, perfect.

00:36:00This is Gorky Park.

00:36:02She is one of our very best drag.

00:36:04Huge, enormous talent, and that is no fat joke.

00:36:07She's an undercover girl, girl, girl.

00:36:15And she's gonna save the world, world.

00:36:20Donatella Litova.

00:36:23She's an undercover girl.

00:36:25I'm actually looking for some drag as a clothing for myself.

00:36:30It's a really long story.

00:36:32Long story made bearable by vodka.

00:36:34Come this way.

00:36:35What kind of a plastic surgeon has an office in an alley?

00:36:42It's not as comfortable as I thought.

00:36:44Focus up.

00:36:45Bianca Del Rio's in there.

00:36:47I need you to go in there and come back out with a full report.

00:36:50If you're lucky, police will round up the whole fruit basket.

00:36:53When I have a student, they get class and sass.

00:36:59When Debra has a student, they get wrinkly old ass.

00:37:04Class dismissed.

00:37:07Now go, go.

00:37:13But Mama...

00:37:14Oh, and watch out for that eye hole.

00:37:16You say they're not interested in your lady business.

00:37:18What are these foreign perverts?

00:37:19You never know.

00:37:21Go.

00:37:22You got this.

00:37:42So let me understand.

00:37:44You are found out to be a gay teacher and then fired.

00:37:47Yeah.

00:37:48Okay.

00:37:48And then sent to prison.

00:37:49No, no, no.

00:37:50I actually went back to school in drag.

00:37:52It's Bianca Del Rio.

00:37:53Oh, so you are found out in drag and then sent to prison.

00:37:56No, no.

00:37:56I'm still teaching there.

00:37:57The person that fired me is the one who's in jail.

00:38:00This Texas, it must be a magical place.

00:38:02What's the winter like?

00:38:03Bitter and haunting?

00:38:05Uh, no, not haunting.

00:38:06It's just pretty average.

00:38:08Oh, let us drink to Texas, the magical kingdom of paradise.

00:38:14Mmm.

00:38:15You know, I never thought about it that way, but Texas doesn't even sound that bad compared

00:38:20to Russia after all.

00:38:21Oh, when I think of the sad times here in Russia, I say to myself, cutting cut.

00:38:25At least you're not living in Saudi Arabia.

00:38:27They have the killings, of course, but think of desert drag, sand up your tongue.

00:38:31It's disgusting.

00:38:32Well, look at the bright side.

00:38:34You could probably make a pearl.

00:38:36I could have a pearl necklace.

00:38:38You know, I'm just curious.

00:38:41It's like, why are all these posters up with this Svetlana bitch?

00:38:44Ugh, the queens here are obsessed with her.

00:38:47But isn't she the one who hates all the gays?

00:38:49Yes, but not always so.

00:38:50She was at one time Moscow's biggest, how you say, like, um, stick bitch.

00:38:55That, it was the classic tale.

00:38:58Woman love gays.

00:38:59Gays love woman.

00:39:00Woman turns her hair red.

00:39:01Gays talk-shitted brunch.

00:39:02Woman becomes minister of homosexual propaganda.

00:39:05Sends all her gay friends to the Siberian work camp.

00:39:08Ooh, that must have meant some brunch.

00:39:10No, it was an awful brunch.

00:39:11One egg and piece of toast by party at 12.

00:39:13There is nothing worse than a hungry queen.

00:39:16Gorgie Park was one of them.

00:39:18She was the only survivor.

00:39:20What happened to everyone else?

00:39:22She ate them.

00:39:22Look at that fat fucking bitch.

00:39:24How else would you survive winter in Siberia?

00:39:26Anyways, I'm sorry, I've become emotional.

00:39:29Let me ask you.

00:39:30Who is this weird guy you're hanging out with?

00:39:33His boyfriend?

00:39:34Boyfriend?

00:39:35Oh, with Rex?

00:39:36Oh, God, that's not my boyfriend.

00:39:38He's somewhere around here.

00:39:39He was whistling at some guy earlier.

00:39:41Well, that's him right there by the bathroom.

00:39:42I don't suck dick, but I'll put it in my mouth till the swelling goes down.

00:39:47I arrest you.

00:39:51Oh, yes, Daddy.

00:39:54Oh.

00:39:55Oh.

00:39:55Oh, wait, you're serious.

00:39:57You too, Franny.

00:39:58Hey!

00:39:59Get your hands off of me!

00:40:01Oh, no!

00:40:01Secret police!

00:40:03I'm not one of them!

00:40:04Hold that thought.

00:40:08Oh, no!

00:40:09The panty wagon!

00:40:09It's over there.

00:40:37This whole trip, I should have known you were behind it.

00:40:47Eat trash, sissy pants!

00:40:59Hey!

00:41:07Son of a bitch!

00:41:28Mama!

00:41:30Mama!

00:41:34What's happening?

00:41:51So, so what'd you do to get out of jail, Deborah?

00:41:54Did you have sex with the warden?

00:41:56I know that he's your uncle.

00:41:58Oh, save your insults, Bianca del Richard.

00:42:01Because now I'm the one holding the cat, and you're the one fucking his legs.

00:42:05Wait, hold up.

00:42:06How tired are your spanks, Deborah?

00:42:08Is it cutting off the circulation to your brain?

00:42:10I mean, what have you done here?

00:42:12Revenge!

00:42:13I finally got revenge on Miss Bianca del Rio!

00:42:16Really, Queen?

00:42:17Revenge?

00:42:18I'm the one standing here, and your daughter's being hauled away to jail?

00:42:21Yeah, technically that wasn't part of the plan.

00:42:23Yeah, and now we've lost them.

00:42:25Well, I got you!

00:42:28Wait, hold up!

00:42:29I'm another way back to the hotel!

00:42:31Wait!

00:42:32Ha ha ha!

00:42:33You are the one!

00:42:34Why would you try to turn it into you and this girl's work?

00:42:37Oh, listen!

00:42:38Listen!

00:42:39You work!

00:42:40That's your job!

00:42:41It's been nothing but trouble since you've been here!

00:42:43Oh!

00:42:44You've just been a pass on the entire time and you've been through with me!

00:42:54Wait!

00:42:55Wait!

00:42:56You wait!

00:42:57Do you have any idea how dangerous Russia is?

00:43:00We should not have come here in the first place!

00:43:02No!

00:43:03You never should have come to Texas!

00:43:05You brought this on yourself, Gablewood!

00:43:07All I wanted to do was teach.

00:43:08You were the one who should have been minding your own fucking business!

00:43:11You queers shouldn't be around children.

00:43:13Funny, coming from you, aren't you the one who had caught having sex with a high school

00:43:17student?

00:43:18Miss First!

00:43:19He looked legal!

00:43:20From the waist down!

00:43:21You're just jealous!

00:43:22Really the only person endangering a child around here is you!

00:43:25Where's your daughter Carly?

00:43:26In jail?

00:43:27She knew there might be sacrifices!

00:43:29Besides, it was worth it seeing that hooker friend of yours locked up!

00:43:33She prefers whore!

00:43:34Oh yeah?

00:43:35Well you're next, flame sauce!

00:43:37You better watch yourself!

00:43:40Where are you going?

00:43:41Oh!

00:43:42I've got the room next door!

00:43:44Got a special rate!

00:43:50Call me La Cuefa!

00:43:52The post-modern trip home!

00:43:53La Cuefa!

00:43:54What?

00:43:55La Cuefa!

00:43:56What?

00:43:57This bitch!

00:43:58What?

00:43:59Perfect timing!

00:44:01Sorry to interrupt nothing!

00:44:02Rex wasn't answering his phone!

00:44:03Where is he?

00:44:04Another Netflix and chill?

00:44:05Hulu and Hop!

00:44:06Amazon and Anal!

00:44:07We're in Russia!

00:44:08Rex is in a gulag!

00:44:09Come on girl!

00:44:10Who's gulag?

00:44:11It's a Russian prison!

00:44:12They've taken Rex, they've taken my Bianca drag, and I'm in some hideous hotel with Deborah!

00:44:16She set me up again!

00:44:17Well I guess now is not the best time to tell you that I'm not really on a cruise ship girl!

00:44:19I'm a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race!

00:44:20Well if you're calling already, I guess we're both not getting a hundred thousand dollars!

00:44:22Sister!

00:44:23How dare you say that!

00:44:24Do you know what I've been going through over here girl?

00:44:25Save it Martin Luther queen!

00:44:26I'm in a jam here!

00:44:27I gotta find a way to get Rex out of prison and get us back to America!

00:44:28And drag alone ain't gonna fix it!

00:44:30Bianca Del Rio solved your Deborah problem before.

00:44:31Now I know she can do it again!

00:44:32Listen if drag can fix a face like yours!

00:44:33Ah!

00:44:34I'll tell you that!

00:44:35I'm not really on a cruise ship girl!

00:44:36I'm a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race!

00:44:38Well if you're calling already, I guess we're both not getting a hundred thousand dollars!

00:44:40Sister!

00:44:41How dare you say that!

00:44:42Do you know what I've been going through over here girl?

00:44:43Save it Martin Luther queen!

00:44:44I'm in a jam here!

00:44:45I gotta find a way to get rex out of prison and get us back to America!

00:44:48And drag alone ain't gonna fix it!

00:44:49Deborah problem before. Now, I know she can do it again. Listen, if drag can fix a face like yours...

00:44:54Uh, I'm hanging up now.

00:44:56Bye!

00:44:59Nice try, bitch.

00:45:01Thanks, girl. Did you see it, girl? They pulled a patch.

00:45:03It's all right. Those are always all-stars.

00:45:10Bitch! You know you're not supposed to be on your phone.

00:45:13Listen, I need your help pulling together some new looks. It's an emergency.

00:45:17That's what I told you on the runway.

00:45:20Now, get!

00:45:21Bunny, reach up into that Moroccan bazaar up on your head and pull me out a number 12 brunette wig now.

00:45:27Does anyone else around here hear an irritating screeching voice that just won't quit?

00:45:35We have to help Bianca Del Rio.

00:45:37Oh, the one whose face looks like a smashed-in pinata?

00:45:40Bunny, I cannot believe you would say something!

00:45:42Anything to shut you up?

00:45:45Just reach in to the left, past the gerbil cage, which is over...

00:45:50Oh! I think I found Natalie Holloway.

00:46:00I know that you're following me.

00:46:02It's not me. It's ball of borscht.

00:46:12Fresh meat. More like day-old bread bag.

00:46:15Someone smells fishy. Too fishy.

00:46:26They think I'm one of you.

00:46:27If by one of you, you mean a blonde slut? Then yes. Yes you are.

00:46:32The guard called me a tranny. He said I had a meaty tuck.

00:46:36I know you. You're the girl from Richard's school. Your mother's insane and a snake bit your boobs off.

00:46:41Did we meet back in Texas?

00:46:43Oh, no. Steven made a picture book for me to read on the way so I would know who all the players are.

00:46:47And he did not do you justice, girl.

00:46:50What are they gonna do to us in here?

00:46:53Keep us here forever, if they want.

00:46:55That's not fair!

00:46:56Welcome to my world, which now that they think you're one of us is your world, too.

00:47:01That's how it is. Fire us, imprison us, don't text us back. Whatever they want.

00:47:07I'm sorry. I didn't know it would be like this.

00:47:09Oh, you're from Texas. I'm sure there's a lot you don't know.

00:47:16I'm Vicki Leakes. I run this joint. What are you in for, fish stick? That dress?

00:47:22No, for cutting hog-bodied queens who wear Jaclyn Smith and try to start with I can't finish.

00:47:27Honey, rampage is a brand, not a way of life. Don't take it out on me because you aged out of wet seal.

00:47:35I've got a knife out of my wig. Let's dance, bitch.

00:47:38Simmer down, Hot Topic. I'm just taking your temperature.

00:47:46Thanks for that. Do you really have a knife in your wig?

00:47:51An emery board and lipstick.

00:47:55I'm Carly, by the way.

00:47:56I'm Rex. And don't worry about her. She's just testing you.

00:47:59The first night is all about trying to see how tough you are.

00:48:02Anyone tries to mess with you, you just mess right back.

00:48:06Hopefully my mom will be here soon to get me out.

00:48:09The same mother who tried to use you to exact her revenge on someone else?

00:48:13You're not her accomplice. You're her victim.

00:48:15You think so?

00:48:17I can speak for many a queen when I say you cannot let a bad mother keep in the way of you being fabulous.

00:48:22You've got a cute face and legs, legs, legs.

00:48:27I've spent my whole life hating homosexuals. But you're really nice.

00:48:31Oh no, girlie. I'm mean as hell. You're just seeing me as a real person for the first time.

00:48:35That's all we are. We're all just people.

00:48:37Except that bitch. I don't know what she is.

00:48:53You wanna play Go Fishy?

00:48:56Did you smuggle that deck of cards in your wig too?

00:48:59The cavity surgeon wasn't very thorough. Unfortunately.

00:49:11I'm no Jessica Fletcher, but I know when I'm being followed.

00:49:15Come on out, Debra.

00:49:18How'd you know it was me?

00:49:19I have eyes.

00:49:20Yeah, four eyes.

00:49:21Look, Debra, I'm gonna temporarily ignore your psychotic blend of down-home homophobia and lack of Southern charm.

00:49:30Considering we both have two people that we care about in prison, I think it's best that we work together to get them out.

00:49:36You would do that?

00:49:37Yes, I would do that. And I hate you. I'm sorry. Hate is a strong word. What I meant to say was, I really hate you.

00:49:44You don't get to hate me. I get to hate you. I'm a good person. I follow the teachings of the Bible.

00:49:52Shut up! They'll hear you.

00:49:55What, are the police still around?

00:49:56No, the rats. The screech is like a goddamn mating call.

00:49:59Come, let's go inside.

00:50:05I really wish I had on a horrible dress so I could talk to you hag to hag.

00:50:09I'd call you a CU next Tuesday, but that would imply I ever want to see you again.

00:50:13Just say cunt, Debra. We're in Russia. Nobody knows what it means.

00:50:16No, we have cunt here. It's woman. Woman like her. Small. Not big in hips, but huge vagina.

00:50:23Katya, this is Debra, the one I was telling you about. The wicked witch of the Western Hemisphere.

00:50:29Oh, fuck you. I am a good Christian. Just like my president. And I came to this godless nation of yours that smells like a burnt cat to try to seek justice.

00:50:38Yet, you are obviously a selfish, vindictive cunt, but no matter. Look at this place. It's destroyed. They took everything, everyone. I barely escaped with my life and just a little bit of money.

00:50:49You know what? Rex never turns off his hookup apps.

00:50:52He will no doubt be held under Kremlin in secret prison operated by the fabulous Miss Svetlana Zoufasnast.

00:50:57You think you could get us inside? Maybe hack into the mainframe?

00:51:00I wish, but I've maxed out on sexual favors already this fiscal quarter. Not work.

00:51:05Then what are we gonna do?

00:51:06There is a secret program where local prostitutes try to convert queers into straight, but even as Russian whores you two would be a stretch. No.

00:51:13Well, maybe you can get us some disguises. We have to find our way inside.

00:51:17We could make visits as relatives. Simple quick hello and goodbye. It might work, but we have to go now.

00:51:23Gorky Park is there and it's way past our feeding time. Let's hurry!

00:51:28Come on, Debbie!

00:51:35Make fast. Secret police everywhere.

00:51:38No one's gonna believe these disguises.

00:51:41I've never felt so pretty.

00:51:43All Russian women look like men. Who can tell difference?

00:51:48Now, you are just relatives visiting. Sisters. Now go to Don Wright, they'll let you in.

00:51:54Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not coming with us?

00:51:56No. It's too dangerous for Katya. If I don't get to see you, it was nice to meet you.

00:52:02And good luck. You'll need it.

00:52:06Come on.

00:52:07Now, when we get inside, I'm gonna get all the information from Carly that I can.

00:52:13Yeah, funny, coming from you, you don't even know the difference between French bread and a French braid. I'll take care of it.

00:52:19You? You fell for this entire scam. You thought you were getting prize money from a science fair in Russia?

00:52:25I mean, suck it! I won!

00:52:28Can you please keep it down? Here come those horny rats!

00:52:30Category is... Prison Drag Realness.

00:53:00This look doesn't jailhouse rock so much as give me fulsome prison blues.

00:53:04Oh, it's not that bad. Maybe a little tight.

00:53:07Tight? She should get 10 to life for murdering those scenes.

00:53:12Okay, playtime is over. Back inside.

00:53:18You have visitor? You too, Tranny.

00:53:21I'm obviously in the middle of something. Who is it?

00:53:23It's mean woman with fat ass.

00:53:25Oh, that's Bianca.

00:53:30I don't know her.

00:53:34I can see you!

00:53:39No!

00:53:41No touch!

00:53:42I wouldn't touch her. She's like a vending machine full of STDs.

00:53:45How did you get in here?

00:53:46Well, obviously, I told them I was your much younger sister.

00:53:49They're stupid, not blind.

00:53:51Anyway, where's your whole Bianca Del Rio? This is not what I was expecting.

00:53:56Don't you remember? They took Bianca. She is gone.

00:53:59Everything you need is in the suitcase. You worry too much.

00:54:04This place is much nicer than our hotel, by the way. At least here has room service.

00:54:08And what are you gonna do if they send you to Siberia and make you eat someone to stay alive?

00:54:14Is he hot?

00:54:16Focus!

00:54:17How are you holding up, Carly?

00:54:18Well, I'd be a lot better if I wasn't stuck in a Russian prison, thanks to you.

00:54:23We gotta beat those queers. You know how important it is.

00:54:26All you think about is Bianca. You don't even care what happens to me.

00:54:30Maybe those homos aren't so bad, Mom. I mean, when Jacqueline Smith tried to stab me, Rex is the one that protected me.

00:54:37More than you ever did.

00:54:38Is that for a flood?

00:54:40Yeah, I think you're wrong about them.

00:54:42Nah, you don't mean that. It's gotta be the old spice talking.

00:54:45Listen, I don't want you to worry, but we are trying to work on a plan to get you out of here.

00:54:50I'm not worried. I've made this prison my bitch. All the queens work for me now, and that hot guard feeds me three times a day.

00:54:57He brings you food?

00:54:59Not exactly.

00:55:01Now, Bianca and I are gonna get you both out of here together, but I got a plan of my own.

00:55:06Another plan, Mama?

00:55:08Yeah, Bianca thinks I'm gonna help her, but once you're free, I'm gonna expose her for what she is, and BAM! She's gone!

00:55:15You would do that after she helps keep me out?

00:55:17It's what we came here for! I'm not leaving Russia until Bianca's locked up forever!

00:55:23Listen, there's gotta be another way to get in here.

00:55:25Do you think I could pass as one of those guards?

00:55:28Mmm, origami is straighter than you.

00:55:30The only other option is actually better suited for you than it is for me.

00:55:34Oh, you mean the hookers. Yeah, we have straight conversion therapy tomorrow.

00:55:39I'm gonna have sex with a gross Russian skank for science.

00:55:44I can't wait to spank that bitch.

00:55:47No touch!

00:55:48That's not what you said last night.

00:55:50Time is up.

00:55:52Bye, sis.

00:55:53All right.

00:55:56These disguises barely got us to the door as family.

00:56:02No one's ever gonna believe that we're hookers. Not even here in Russia.

00:56:06We can't just leave Carly in there. Prison's doing terrible things to her. She's not strong like I am.

00:56:11I know. You can pull a cart.

00:56:12Okay, insult me all you want, but I gotta get my daughter back.

00:56:16Okay, fine. I will work out a plan to get Rex and your atrocious offspring out of prison.

00:56:21If you had that wig on right now, I'd snatch you right off your head.

00:56:24Yeah, that's the difference between us. I'd just snatch out your own hair from the root.

00:56:28You hungry?

00:56:30I could eat.

00:56:32I could eat.

00:56:46Nothing.

00:56:50That glue sniffing dummy's gonna end up in Siberia.

00:56:54Gorky doesn't eat him first.

00:56:57Well, at least he's getting laid.

00:56:59Oh, look, it's me in a f***ing tie.

00:57:18Bianca Del Rio, what are you doing here?

00:57:20This is your come-to-Jesus moment, Richard.

00:57:23But Jesus was busy, so you got me.

00:57:25But how am I gonna get Rex out of prison?

00:57:27Rex can take care of himself. You baby him too much.

00:57:30He is literally an adult baby.

00:57:32Anything he can grab, he sticks up his nose or in his mouth.

00:57:36Or ass. Rex is a lot like Wigloo. More versatile than you think.

00:57:40It has a lot of uses if you put your mind to it.

00:57:43But how am I gonna get him out of that prison?

00:57:46Find me. Your way in is your way out.

00:57:50Eating Chinese food late at night is a big mistake.

00:57:53Now I'm dreaming and fortune cooking.

00:57:55How is Rex like a vending machine full of STDs?

00:57:59Cause when you put three quarters in, you get one.

00:58:03Get out of my head!

00:58:06Dream over.

00:58:11I come up with my best insults while sleeping.

00:58:20Wigloo!

00:58:33Shit!

00:58:34What?

00:58:35What?

00:58:36What?

00:58:37What?

00:58:38Hey!

00:58:39What?

00:58:40What?

00:58:41What?

00:58:42What?

00:58:43What?

00:58:44What?

00:58:45Oh, and I'm delivering for Richard Martinez.

00:58:50Huh?

00:58:51Um, what?

00:58:52Hey!

00:58:53What?

00:58:54What?

00:58:55What?

00:58:56What the hell does that mean?

00:59:09I think it's Halleloo in Russian.

00:59:12Yes!

00:59:12I have a better question.

00:59:13What the hell are you doing in a box?

00:59:15Honey, airfare is expensive.

00:59:17And, you know, some of us didn't win RuPaul's Drag Race.

00:59:20Ooh, the girls are hateful.

00:59:21You'll see.

00:59:22I don't watch reality television.

00:59:24Well, it turns out that that Frontline episode on human trafficking is a lot more informative than I think it was meant to be.

00:59:30Well, I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

00:59:33Well, baby, with me, it's always a good thing because say hello to my little friend.

00:59:41I love you.

00:59:43You old bitch.

00:59:45Old.

00:59:45Honey, you must be talking to that wig because you know there are at least 10 years between me and you.

00:59:50Yeah, well, let me tell you this.

00:59:52Rex is going to have 10 years in prison if we don't get him out.

00:59:54But I think I have a plan.

00:59:58Ooh.

01:00:00Do you have a plan to get me out this box?

01:00:01Oh, come on, bro.

01:00:02I don't know.

01:00:03Just lean.

01:00:03Honey, the overage charges for the weight.

01:00:05They got themselves 150 pounds, bitch.

01:00:06Ah!

01:00:07Ah!

01:00:07Oh!

01:00:10Oh, you look fabulous.

01:00:38See, I told you, Bianca will fix everything.

01:00:41Oh, girl, it's just drag, not a cure for herpes.

01:00:44No, honey, if you want a cure for herpes,

01:00:46you leave Rex up in that solitary confinement.

01:00:50You know, there's only one more thing we need.

01:00:54Oh, Deborah!

01:00:56Bianca Del Rio.

01:00:58That's our live and breathe.

01:01:00Yeah, we'll fix that later.

01:01:02We've got lots of work to do.

01:01:04On you.

01:01:08We're going to have to wait for her.

01:01:12Yeah, we'll be right back.

01:01:14Oh, man.

01:01:16Oh, man.

01:01:18Oh, man!

01:01:20Oh, man!

01:01:22Oh, man!

01:01:24Oh, man!

01:01:26Oh, man!

01:01:27Oh, man!

01:01:29I've been waiting a long time for this makeover.

01:01:45How do I look?

01:01:46Well, when I said I wanted to rearrange your face, this is not what I had in mind.

01:01:51Feet are killing me.

01:01:52How do fruits walk in these heels anyway?

01:01:54A lifetime of pain and suffering.

01:01:56Hi.

01:01:57You must be Sasha.

01:01:58I'm Bianca Del Rio.

01:01:59You're a fancy prostitute?

01:02:01I have no money.

01:02:03Not even for the short one.

01:02:05Uh, no.

01:02:06We're actually here looking for my friend, Mitya Dimitri.

01:02:09He was here yesterday, and I do believe that's his potato.

01:02:12Not here.

01:02:13At government job.

01:02:15Today, I watch potato.

01:02:18What's my deal with a potato?

01:02:20There is Lancer potatoes!

01:02:21Hey!

01:02:22Calm down, potato lady!

01:02:24Um, Bianca's her pimp.

01:02:27Listen.

01:02:28We need chemicals.

01:02:29This is a science fair, isn't it?

01:02:30I mean, there's gotta be some place around here we can buy or steal supplies to make a chemical reaction.

01:02:35If you need work, I am also, how you say, uh, pimp.

01:02:40Oh.

01:02:41These girls over here, not my best.

01:02:44But prison, not so picky.

01:02:47This place might have what you look for.

01:02:52Come on, girls.

01:02:53We've got some shopping to do.

01:02:54We've got some shit to blow up.

01:03:05The secret prison is under the Kremlin.

01:03:07We only saw the visitor center in the front, which means the prisoners are in the back.

01:03:11Okay, this is crazy plant, even for you.

01:03:13Oh, shut up.

01:03:14Now, you.

01:03:15You've gotta pass these around and wait for my signal.

01:03:18I'm not sure if it's enough to put the Kremlin in orbit, but it definitely will crack a few walls.

01:03:22Now, hold up now.

01:03:23This is not gonna go off in my hand, right?

01:03:25No, it's stable until you use the detonator.

01:03:28You did bring the detonator.

01:03:30It's in my wig.

01:03:31Good.

01:03:32Wait a minute, though.

01:03:33So they are supposed to hire y'all hookers to seduce the gays?

01:03:37Yeah.

01:03:38Yeah.

01:03:40But what are you gonna do if they try to make you have sex with Rex?

01:03:43I'm totally gonna bite down on the cyanide capsule in my molar.

01:03:47You guys, look.

01:03:48We're totally like Charlie's Angels right now.

01:03:50Yeah.

01:03:51Hey.

01:03:52You're Bosley.

01:03:53Oh, God.

01:03:54Here.

01:03:55Take this.

01:03:56Here's the rest of them.

01:03:57Get them.

01:03:58Go.

01:03:59Beat it, queen.

01:04:00Do your job.

01:04:01Now, listen, Debbie.

01:04:02You're right to eye because I've seen wiener dogs taller than you.

01:04:05But you and I really need to work together to make this happen.

01:04:08You can count on me.

01:04:10And I'm not just saying I'll work with you now so I can double-cross you later.

01:04:14What?

01:04:15What?

01:04:27Tits up.

01:04:28I'm trying.

01:04:29Don.

01:04:30Hi.

01:04:31We're the prostitutes here to fix the ****.

01:04:32Yeah.

01:04:33We're here to cure all the ****.

01:04:34Calm down.

01:04:35I got this, Mother Teresa.

01:04:36We've done first, but not much first.

01:04:37Come inside.

01:04:38Hmm.

01:04:39Don't mind if I do.

01:04:40Told ya.

01:04:41Comrade, we must do get to prison.

01:04:42I feel a presence I have not felt since the last time your hand was on my ass.

01:04:47Knock it off.

01:04:48Don't mind the rats.

01:04:49The rats don't mind you.

01:04:50I really like what you've done with the place.

01:04:51It's so drab.

01:04:52That's the radiation we have leaky pipe.

01:04:53Watch step out.

01:04:54Is that plutonium?

01:04:55That's uranium-235.

01:04:56Very good.

01:04:57Thanks.

01:04:58I'm sure you mean only?

01:04:59No, no.

01:05:00You're smarter than most whores we get.

01:05:01But you're just as homie.

01:05:02I'm sure you mean only?

01:05:03No.

01:05:04I know.

01:05:05I know.

01:05:06I know.

01:05:07I know.

01:05:08It's a little bit.

01:05:09I know.

01:05:10That's a little bit.

01:05:11I know.

01:05:12It's a little bit.

01:05:13Oh, no.

01:05:14I know.

01:05:15I know.

01:05:16You know, I know how to do it.

01:05:17I know.

01:05:18I know.

01:05:19I know.

01:05:20You're smarter than most whores we get.

01:05:23But just as homie.

01:05:25I'm sure you mean homely?

01:05:27No, homie. My mother's whore.

01:05:30In you go.

01:05:32Uh, so what do we have to do?

01:05:34Yeah.

01:05:35Fix homo, and I pay you one potato each.

01:05:39One potato, two potato, three potato.

01:05:43Net.

01:05:45He seems nice.

01:05:50Just to get set up.

01:05:53Then we begin.

01:05:55Now, I've been to some kinky shit,

01:05:57but this is weird, even for me.

01:06:00I can't wait to see the skank you picked out for me, though.

01:06:03I hope she's awful.

01:06:05Oh, she is.

01:06:07I thought there was gonna be more hookers.

01:06:09I think it's just us.

01:06:11How does this work?

01:06:12Well, they've got him strapped to that machine

01:06:14to test his sexual response.

01:06:16Don't you watch Masters of Sex?

01:06:18Premium cable?

01:06:19I'm a teacher, not a lottery winner.

01:06:21There's a lot of lotteries you didn't win.

01:06:23While you're down there...

01:06:27Yes, Daddy.

01:06:28Oh, look at that.

01:06:30Now, listen.

01:06:31They're gonna pick one of us, hopefully you,

01:06:33to go over there and grope him

01:06:35to see if they can turn him on.

01:06:37Once he pops a boner, he's out of here.

01:06:39Free.

01:06:40This doesn't make sense.

01:06:41We're in drag, in a secret Russian prison

01:06:44under the Kremlin, trying to turn this gay slot straight.

01:06:47And it's not like you sailed here

01:06:49on the good ship logic, did you?

01:06:56Buy a lady a drink first.

01:06:59I'll take an Old Spice.

01:07:01Neat.

01:07:02We must test you.

01:07:03Okay, which hooker you want?

01:07:05Oh, this is like Sophie's choice,

01:07:07except I wanna be the kid who goes to the gas chamber.

01:07:10Is that an option?

01:07:12I'd pick for you.

01:07:13Now, listen.

01:07:14I wanna help Rex, but if she picks me,

01:07:16I don't know if I can do this.

01:07:17It's gonna be me anyway.

01:07:18I'm way prettier than you.

01:07:20You really haven't caught on to this whole homosexuality thing,

01:07:23have you, Debbie?

01:07:24Stop calling me Debbie!

01:07:26Rex is a walking hard-on.

01:07:27All you have to do is go near him.

01:07:29He'll pop a boner.

01:07:30You're a very lucky lady.

01:07:32Okay, show me hands.

01:07:35Thumbs up, hands.

01:07:36Okay, okay.

01:07:37No syphilis, but we use them anyway.

01:07:40Come on, you very old whore.

01:07:42You know what to do.

01:07:43Right here, right now, in this lighting.

01:07:45Make this queer a real man,

01:07:47or you both die in Siberia.

01:07:49I thought I was getting a potato.

01:07:51Potato is for closers.

01:07:54There's got to be another way.

01:07:57Maybe Siberia is not so bad.

01:07:59Oh, please, you know you want this.

01:08:01You've wanted this since the night we met.

01:08:03I tripped over you in a snowbank.

01:08:05I thought you were homeless.

01:08:06Oh, yeah?

01:08:07Then why'd you try to kiss me, huh?

01:08:08That wasn't a kiss.

01:08:09I was giving you mouth to mouth.

01:08:11You weren't breathing.

01:08:13Well, I'm breathing now.

01:08:19If I throw up in my mouth,

01:08:21it's not gonna be good for either one of us.

01:08:23Talking cost extra.

01:08:24No more potato.

01:08:26Kiss.

01:08:27Kiss now.

01:08:28Wait, before we do this, Richard.

01:08:32Richard, something I have to say.

01:08:34What?

01:08:35If Deborah is over there wearing my wig,

01:08:38I will kill you.

01:08:40Not if this kills me first.

01:08:48No response.

01:08:49Sorry.

01:08:50I smell cabbage.

01:08:51Is anybody boiling cabbage?

01:08:53Listen.

01:08:54This is no fun for me either.

01:08:56Now focus.

01:08:57I swear to God, I will fist you like a muppet.

01:09:00Thanks for the dirty talk, but I don't think it'll help.

01:09:02Maybe you could tilt your head a little so I can see the guard.

01:09:05No response.

01:09:06Come on.

01:09:07Again, again, again.

01:09:08Kiss.

01:09:09I really wish there was cyanide in my molar.

01:09:11Then we could both die.

01:09:15I mean, you know it's a sin, but you're just not prepared for how gross it is.

01:09:20Definitely boiled cabbage.

01:09:21Maybe with some turnips.

01:09:22Is anybody hungry?

01:09:23Nothing.

01:09:24Sorry I'm late.

01:09:25Rex, look.

01:09:26It's the guy from the science fair.

01:09:27I didn't think he was cute then, and I don't think it'll help now.

01:09:29Oh, I need adjustment.

01:09:31Honestly, I thought he was hotter as Katya.

01:09:33Wait, what?

01:09:35I still met you.

01:09:38How did you miss that?

01:09:39I would think your nerdy senses would have been tingling.

01:09:41You are a science teacher.

01:09:42I know.

01:09:43I know.

01:09:44Oh, I have a right.

01:09:45Yeah.

01:09:46You can't lose your head.

01:09:47You can't lose your head.

01:09:48I know.

01:09:49Look, I can't lose my head.

01:09:50I know, you don't get me done.

01:09:51I can't lose my head.

01:09:52What do you know?

01:09:53I am going to lose my head.

01:09:54I mean, I'm going to lose my head.

01:09:55All right.

01:09:56I'm going to lose my head.

01:09:57Well, I am going to pet you in my head.

01:09:58No, I'm going to lose your head.

01:09:59I'm going to lose my head.

01:10:00I don't know what to do.

01:10:06All fine now.

01:10:08Now listen, if you try to stick your tongue down my throat again,

01:10:11you're gonna taste my lunch.

01:10:24Success!

01:10:26Yeah! Yeah!

01:10:28Oh, yes! Success!

01:10:31Yeah! Yeah!

01:10:33Success! Success!

01:10:36Oh-ho-ho!

01:10:37Hey, take him back to his cell!

01:10:40Wait, I thought that they were released once they were cured.

01:10:44Girl, please, look at him.

01:10:47He need many more treatment.

01:10:49But at least you don't go to Siberia.

01:10:52What about Curly?

01:10:53Curly? Who is this Curly?

01:10:56Shut your face, Debbie!

01:10:58You have my daughter Carly.

01:10:59She isn't one of these flamers!

01:11:01Let her go!

01:11:02Keep Bianca!

01:11:03I mean, you know how this all plays out.

01:11:05I've got a man waiting for me.

01:11:11Oops!

01:11:12Baby made a boom-boom.

01:11:14What is going on here?

01:11:23Mitchell, what have you done?

01:11:24This hooker is a flaming drag queen and a degenerate homosexual.

01:11:28I'm the real woman here, okay?

01:11:30You can take her!

01:11:31Bianca Del Rio is the one that you want!

01:11:34You thought those heels were killing you before?

01:11:36Wait till I get a hold of you.

01:11:38Okay, that's it!

01:11:39Go!

01:11:40Guard!

01:11:41Take Homo to cell!

01:11:43I stay with Mitchell and these prostitutes till you get back.

01:11:47Come on.

01:11:48Go, go, go, go.

01:11:49Let's go.

01:11:50This is great.

01:11:51Now we're both gonna rot in this rat infested prison together.

01:11:54You brought this on yourself, Homo.

01:11:56Oh, yeah.

01:11:57They're probably gonna put us in a cell together with each other.

01:11:59Wouldn't you like that, Debbie?

01:12:00Never call me Debbie!

01:12:06Oh, no.

01:12:07That voice.

01:12:08Brats.

01:12:09Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.

01:12:13Stop that!

01:12:14Stop that with your f***ing ass, your clown makeup, your nasty one-liners,

01:12:19and your purse full of bees!

01:12:21You stop calling me Debbie!

01:12:25Oh, no!

01:12:26It's mating season!

01:12:28It's...

01:12:29Oh!

01:12:30Oh!

01:12:31Little Debbie snack cake.

01:12:32Little Debbie with her happy-happy dresses.

01:12:34Little Debbie with her lip gloss addiction.

01:12:36No!

01:12:37Stop that!

01:12:38They call me Little Debbie snack cake!

01:12:40I was the shortest one in school!

01:12:42You're just as mean as they are!

01:12:44You stop chasing me!

01:12:48Why'd they call me?

01:12:49Oh!

01:12:50No, no, no, no!

01:12:53They call me!

01:12:54They call me!

01:12:55They call me!

01:12:56Oh!

01:12:57Oh!

01:12:58Oh, they're coming!

01:13:01They're coming!

01:13:02To match with my face!

01:13:05They...

01:13:06They...

01:13:07They're messing with my face!

01:13:09You don't have a key?

01:13:18Yet. Maybe if I had a wig, I could take a body thing, but I have nothing.

01:13:21Yeah, looks like we're next.

01:13:23Well, you see, ever since Debbie here and her brother kidnapped me and left me to die in the woods,

01:13:26I'd never leave home without this.

01:13:28I don't have time for this.

01:13:29I don't have time for you.

01:13:31Давай, давай.

01:13:31Let's go, let's go.

01:13:32Oh, flashbacks.

01:13:33The prisoners are kept downstairs.

01:13:39We must to hurry.

01:13:44That works perfectly, Deborah.

01:13:46Wait, what?

01:13:47Your voice.

01:13:48It brought the rats.

01:13:50I told you we needed to work together.

01:13:55They must to feed us soon.

01:13:58Korky get hungry.

01:14:00Oh, no, no, no, no.

01:14:02Look, they're here.

01:14:06Mama, is that you?

01:14:08Carly, I couldn't leave my baby here in prison.

01:14:11Listen, you guys, I'm going to have you out in no time.

01:14:14You and Bianca are working together.

01:14:16Just to get you out of here.

01:14:18Don't worry, she's going to get what's coming to her.

01:14:20Mom, I haven't you learned anything from all this.

01:14:23Well, I learned to look pretty fierce as a blonde.

01:14:26Did you know rats have a mating season?

01:14:28It's okay, girl.

01:14:34He's with me.

01:14:36I told you I could take care of myself.

01:14:38I wish you would have told me that before I had to make out with you.

01:14:41Excuse me.

01:14:42Carly, you're free.

01:14:54I am.

01:14:56Now, help me shove Bianca in here.

01:14:58That's what we came here to do.

01:15:00No, Mama.

01:15:00I can't.

01:15:02Huh?

01:15:02You're right.

01:15:03I am free.

01:15:04Finally free of you.

01:15:06No!

01:15:07Carly!

01:15:08What are you doing?

01:15:09These flavors turning you against me?

01:15:11They're just people, just like you and me, Mama, trying to do the right thing.

01:15:14But we were never trying to do the right thing.

01:15:16I mean, all that hate.

01:15:17And for what?

01:15:19You can't just leave me in here?

01:15:21Sorry, Mama.

01:15:22You said prison made a new woman out of you?

01:15:25Well, it made a new woman out of me, too.

01:15:28No!

01:15:29I'll get you, Bianca.

01:15:33This ain't over.

01:15:35Looks like you're the cat.

01:15:37You're gonna have to hold your own legs, bitch.

01:15:40You ain't seen nothing yet.

01:15:42Soon as I get out of here, I'm coming for you, Bianca.

01:15:44I'm coming for you!

01:15:46Oh, no.

01:15:47And those hordy rats.

01:15:48It's clear, let's move.

01:16:04Thank you for everything.

01:16:08Bustere, bustere.

01:16:09I can't believe that you would do that to Deborah.

01:16:28I mean, I wouldn't even leave her in that jail cell.

01:16:30Well, Rex has been nothing but kind to me.

01:16:34I mean, it makes me question what this whole thing was about in the first place.

01:16:39Maybe we are better together living side by side instead of tearing each other down.

01:16:45Bianca has told me of snake that bites your boobs off.

01:16:48Yeah.

01:16:48I know of a doctor who can make new again.

01:16:51Creamy like mashed potatoes.

01:16:52Yes.

01:16:53They will be mashed potatoes.

01:16:55Perhaps a bit lumpy, but we do our best.

01:16:57Okay.

01:16:58Tater tits.

01:17:00Yeah.

01:17:00Let's go!

01:17:05I'll never forget you.

01:17:08Hey!

01:17:09Wait up!

01:17:12Hey, guys!

01:17:13Let's blow this pop sand.

01:17:15He's not coming with us?

01:17:16Who?

01:17:17Your new boyfriend.

01:17:18Oh, that was just a prison thing.

01:17:20He knows that.

01:17:21Besides, I think my time behind barbs proves I don't need a man to protect me anymore.

01:17:26No, what you need to protect you is bubble wrap.

01:17:28I've been doing just fine on New York since you left.

01:17:30I don't need you to worry about me anymore, Mom.

01:17:33But I do worry about you.

01:17:35Why did you think those bricks of cocaine in your bag would help?

01:17:38Not that bag.

01:17:39The other bag.

01:17:40There were two bags.

01:17:42Like the ones under your eyes.

01:17:44All right.

01:17:44You got me on that.

01:17:45Look!

01:17:46It's the line of lupusers.

01:17:47We're right now.

01:17:50Degenerate homosexuals are escaping.

01:17:52Let's get them!

01:17:54Go, go, go, go, go!

01:18:08Go, go, go, go!

01:18:10Perfect timing, as always.

01:18:20Girl, you know I got your back.

01:18:22Well, that's because nobody wants your front, but, uh...

01:18:24So that is end of Svetlana's Lopestness.

01:18:29Who is going to host next season of Homo Hunters?

01:18:32That was a good show.

01:18:34R.I.P.

01:18:35Thanks for all of your help, Metea.

01:18:37I'm sorry that we got your club raided and that we blew up your job.

01:18:42But maybe this means that you can come to America now.

01:18:45If you'd like to, I...

01:18:46Well, I would like it a lot.

01:18:49It's tempting.

01:18:49I would like to know you better, but still so much work to be done.

01:18:53Your Texas has given me hope that if we stay and fight, we can have Texas too.

01:18:59Oh, that is the saddest and dumbest thing I think I've ever heard.

01:19:06I understand.

01:19:07You should stay and make a bad situation better.

01:19:10I mean, that's the whole reason why I moved to Texas in the first place.

01:19:13And the reason why I'm going back.

01:19:15It's not just the children that need an education.

01:19:17I mean, we've made some progress, but there's still more to do.

01:19:21True.

01:19:22I'll help.

01:19:22Only a few queers can change my mind.

01:19:24Anyone can change.

01:19:25It's three months now since we moved to Homo House and it's great.

01:19:50Sometimes I miss the breeze come through the cracks in the walls, but...

01:19:54And now we have central heat.

01:19:57When I build fire in the middle of room.

01:20:00And basement have swing.

01:20:02Oh, basement, what treat?

01:20:04It's funny kind of swing.

01:20:06It's in basement closet.

01:20:07Not so much with the we.

01:20:09Sometimes I climb into the swing.

01:20:11I hear moans, I think Homo House haunted, but it's just my Boris.

01:20:16I think that.

01:20:18I like.

01:20:24In international news, Russia continues to insist they weren't running a secret gay prison under the Kremlin

01:20:30and that the explosion last month in downtown Moscow was just a gas leak.

01:20:36But word that dozens of gay people have been arrested and imprisoned in Russia

01:20:40has sparked outrage and protests all around the world.

01:20:44Personally, I'm supporting gay rights by wearing this outfit that Roger told me I look great in.

01:20:50But I'm pretty sure he just dressed me as Barb from Stranger Things.

01:20:55Yes, justice for Barb.

01:20:57That is what it is all about.

01:21:00It's Debbie and it could be in your purse right now.

01:21:03Now he's over to find out in the next hour.

01:21:14Rex, no.

01:21:16Rex, no.

01:21:16Rex, you don't bring your wholish ass.

01:21:19Rex!

01:21:33Frank, you don't bring your wholish ass.

01:21:47Well, Margaret, going to get that out of my face, I'm trying to perform.

01:21:54I feel like a fucking roach.

01:21:55Here.

01:21:56I'm a friend.

01:21:57You can change, you can change.

01:22:00Change my name, change my name.

01:22:02What the ?

01:22:04You can't do this to me.

01:22:07I'm talking to a stick.

01:22:09How are you going to get Beyonce to go to Russia?

01:22:11Oh, easy.

01:22:14I sent her a letter saying she won a teaching award, right?

01:22:17Only she has to go to Russia to get it.

01:22:21Okay, get it out.

01:22:23You motherfucker.

01:22:26He just blew me a kiss.

01:22:28What a dick.

01:22:29You are found out to be gay man in teacher fuck hole by...

01:22:32Sorry.

01:22:33Well, that's him right there by the bathroom.

01:22:35I want to fuck you.

01:22:39Good.

01:22:40Because you know what?

01:22:41You're going to kick Spanish into my clam hole tonight, baby.

01:22:47Fuck you, Debbie!

01:22:50I'm going to do this.

01:22:52Explosion.

01:22:53Oh!

01:22:55Lock her up!

01:22:56Her eight meals!

01:22:57Oh, God, it's there, right?

01:23:00It's looking at me.

01:23:01No, okay.

01:23:02Oh, God, I hear it clicking.

01:23:03Okay.

01:23:04Oh, Jesus.

01:23:05Okay.

01:23:06This could be our big break.

01:23:07It's 4 a.m. and you're in an old police station.

01:23:08It gets better.

01:23:09It gets better.

01:23:10Oh, you don't like gays or clowns?

01:23:12Shut up.

01:23:13Girl, I think I found Natalie Holloway.

01:23:14Oh, no, that's Rachel Dolezal.

01:23:15Oh, no, that's Rachel Dolezal.

01:23:16Disguised as Beyonce.

01:23:17I'm sorry.

01:23:18This hooker is a flaming drag queen and de-generate homosexual.

01:23:21Yes and yes.

01:23:22This hooker is a flaming drag queen and de-generate homosexual.

01:23:23Yes and yes.

01:23:24This hooker is a flaming drag queen and de-generate homosexual.

01:23:29已 and you've got a special right.

01:23:39Okay, let's reset.

01:23:42This hooker is a flaming drag queen and de-generate homosexual.

01:23:46Yes and yes.

01:23:47This hooker is a...

01:23:49...got a special right.

01:23:52Alright, let's reset.

01:23:57Reset.

01:24:01Line, it's a burp.

01:24:02Oh.

01:24:04Okay, sorry, that sucked.

01:24:08Come on, secret police are everywhere.

01:24:10You must be careful.

01:24:15That old leather stick stick real good.

01:24:17Huck you.

01:24:20Still prettier than your asshole.

01:24:23I sent her, I sent her a letter saying she

01:24:28That's it all for hurry.

01:24:29Go get reviews.

01:24:35Let me get this right.

01:24:36They're gonna hire y'all hookers to go in there

01:24:39and seduce the gays.

01:24:42But wait, let me get this right.

01:24:44So they are gonna hire y'all hookers.

01:24:49No, I don't.

01:24:50Oh.

01:24:51Oh, she locked them in.

01:24:55Katya ruined the whole movie.

01:24:57Hey y'all, we're in Russia.

01:24:58It's over there.

01:25:02And cut.

01:25:03That's a cut.

01:25:05Nice job, nice job, nice job.

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