Lesbian Lex bomb movie

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Transcript

00:00:00I've not been myself through this dry spell, no, no.

00:00:09Then it happened, I reckon you recall, I caught you laughing in the face of a wrecking ball.

00:00:19You gave an okay sign, blew my mind forever, so I just had to let you know.

00:00:30That even if you need to go, we'll always have the Union Hall.

00:00:40I'll always love you most of all.

00:01:10Does your mom have a favorite flower?

00:01:12She loves those red Gerber flowers.

00:01:14Do you have a favorite flower?

00:01:21I don't know.

00:01:24Well, when you dated people in the past, what kind of flower, um, what kind of flower did they give you?

00:01:30I think I've given more flowers than I've received.

00:01:34What?

00:01:35Really?

00:01:36Yes.

00:01:37No.

00:01:38Yes.

00:01:39Well, you have to let me be the one to give you flowers.

00:01:41I don't understand people.

00:01:52Who steals a doormat?

00:01:54How you doing?

00:01:55Well, I'm missing doormats and losing my mind.

00:01:59You know what I'm saying.

00:02:01This is your first Thanksgiving, not your dad.

00:02:04Hey.

00:02:05Hey.

00:02:06Why are you huddled outside my door?

00:02:09Why are you coming to the office to pay, sweetie?

00:02:11I'm waiting for my daughter to come and bring me the cash.

00:02:14I'll bring it tomorrow.

00:02:16Tomorrow's Thanksgiving?

00:02:17She's...

00:02:18Excuse me.

00:02:19Can I...

00:02:20Can I help you?

00:02:21I don't know.

00:02:23Who are you?

00:02:24Rose.

00:02:25This is my motel.

00:02:27Oh.

00:02:28Yeah.

00:02:29I'm just lost.

00:02:31Okay.

00:02:32Thought it was a diner, but...

00:02:34No.

00:02:35All good.

00:02:35Thanks.

00:02:37Bye.

00:02:38Bye.

00:02:43What the hell was that?

00:02:46I've seen that van before.

00:02:48You've got to tell me this stuff.

00:02:49What stuff?

00:02:50Suspicious stuff.

00:02:52Your brother is the most suspicious thing around here.

00:02:56That's true.

00:02:57All right.

00:03:04I like you in an apron.

00:03:06Don't get used to it.

00:03:08So I've been thinking about something.

00:03:10Oh, yeah?

00:03:11What?

00:03:11I think maybe you and I should go on a trip.

00:03:17Oh, yeah?

00:03:17Where do you want to go?

00:03:18I don't know.

00:03:20Maybe somewhere for me.

00:03:21Ahem.

00:03:22Ladies, are we interrupting something?

00:03:24This is Mimi.

00:03:26Hi.

00:03:27Mimi, this is my roommate Lauren and Haley.

00:03:29I have to pay.

00:03:30Uh, I'm sorry.

00:03:33The bathroom is down the hall.

00:03:40Something smells good.

00:03:41What are we cooking now?

00:03:42Berry crumble for tomorrow.

00:03:44What are your Thanksgiving plans?

00:03:45What are you doing?

00:03:46Mimi invited me to a potluck in Brooklyn with some friends, so...

00:03:49I don't know.

00:03:50I'm weighing my options.

00:03:51Oh.

00:03:51Yeah.

00:03:54No, no, no, no, no.

00:03:55Stop.

00:03:56Hey, Mrs. Anderson.

00:03:57No, no.

00:03:57Yeah.

00:03:57Hey, Austin.

00:03:59Uh-huh.

00:03:59Seriously, give me the phone.

00:04:00Oh, well, thank you.

00:04:01Give me the phone.

00:04:03Hi, Mom.

00:04:04Yeah.

00:04:06I'll call you back.

00:04:08Bye, Mrs. Anderson.

00:04:09Austin.

00:04:10Yeah.

00:04:11Watch out.

00:04:13Hey.

00:04:14It's nice to see you too, Haley.

00:04:16Always a pleasure, Austin.

00:04:17I'm going to check the crumble.

00:04:26What the hell?

00:04:29Oh.

00:04:33Looking for a diner, my ass.

00:04:35What's wrong?

00:04:40My brother.

00:04:42He's up to something.

00:04:44Well, you got to fire him.

00:04:45I can't fire my brother.

00:04:46Work's supposed to keep him out of trouble.

00:04:48Are you eating blueberry pie?

00:04:50First of all, it's only 147 calories per slice.

00:04:53Yeah.

00:04:54Second of all, it's a super food.

00:04:56And you're a super man, but it's for tomorrow.

00:04:59Not this slice.

00:05:02Okay, did you watch the turkey carving video?

00:05:05Well, I did and I didn't.

00:05:08Dad always carve the turkey.

00:05:10Well, come here.

00:05:11Fine.

00:05:12I'll watch the video, I promise.

00:05:14And I miss him too.

00:05:15He's the only one that would fight me for the dark meat.

00:05:19Please watch the video.

00:05:20I will, I swear.

00:05:21I mean, how else am I going to know how to carve a dumb turkey?

00:05:24I still love you, though.

00:05:25Yeah, I love you too.

00:05:26What are we supposed to do with that?

00:05:41No.

00:05:41Hey, Mom.

00:05:42You didn't call me back.

00:05:44Uh, sorry.

00:05:45Austin sent a smoked turkey again.

00:05:48I'm making my turkey too.

00:05:49How much turkey does he think we eat?

00:05:51I have no idea.

00:05:52I mean, he's not even coming this year.

00:05:54What's with the Wi-Fi?

00:05:55You know, sweetie, technologically, that doesn't do anything.

00:05:58So, did you have a nice night?

00:05:59Uh, yeah.

00:06:00Just hanging out with Haley.

00:06:02When are we meeting the boyfriend?

00:06:04Soon.

00:06:04When soon?

00:06:05Mom.

00:06:06When are you and your friend coming tomorrow?

00:06:08I need a game plan.

00:06:09I don't like surprises.

00:06:11I'm coming at, like, ten.

00:06:12She's coming a little later.

00:06:13Okay, okay.

00:06:14I love you.

00:06:15Bye.

00:06:15Mwah.

00:06:16I love you too.

00:06:17Bye.

00:06:18Mwah.

00:06:21She doesn't like surprises.

00:06:23Surprise?

00:06:24I'm not a boyfriend.

00:06:25Right.

00:06:26What should I wear tomorrow?

00:06:28Um, I don't know.

00:06:29Just casual, comfortable.

00:06:31My family's super comfortable.

00:06:33Pajamas?

00:06:34Funny.

00:06:35What are you going to say to them?

00:06:37Uh, Mom, Dad, and I have a girlfriend.

00:06:39She'll be here, like, real soon.

00:06:41Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?

00:06:43Yeah.

00:06:44I don't want to bombard them.

00:06:45I don't want to bombard them.

00:06:58Mediate gratification

00:07:02In the digital aid

00:07:05What a shame

00:07:08You can go

00:07:11Right out of your mind

00:07:13Searching for substance

00:07:16In this empty life

00:07:19Whoa

00:07:20Where will we go?

00:07:25Whoa

00:07:25God bless our soul

00:07:30Whoa

00:07:31Did you watch the video yet?

00:07:37I want it.

00:07:40I want grandchildren.

00:07:42Okay.

00:07:42I don't want to be 80 chasing around a five-year-old.

00:07:45No.

00:07:45I'm still vivacious.

00:07:46Yes, you are.

00:07:48How do we get old?

00:07:49Nobody's old.

00:07:50Who's old?

00:07:52Just yesterday I was getting high and listening to the Beatles.

00:07:55Well, yeah.

00:07:55That's what you did.

00:07:57Lauren's walking?

00:07:58Why would she walk?

00:07:59I have no...

00:08:01Who walks?

00:08:11What are you doing?

00:08:12Why didn't you call for a ride?

00:08:13Sorry, I just wanted to walk, clear my head.

00:08:15It's doing a round of beads chanting.

00:08:17All right, well, let me help my favorite daughter.

00:08:20Only daughter.

00:08:21A little heads up.

00:08:22Your mom was just talking about grandchildren.

00:08:24What grandchildren?

00:08:25Exactly.

00:08:25What are you chanting?

00:08:26Hari Krishna.

00:08:28If I see you with the tambourine begging for money, I swear to God.

00:08:31Mom.

00:08:33Oh, God.

00:08:34Do you think we can hide this today?

00:08:36Why?

00:08:37Um, Mom, I'm in a relationship.

00:08:40Right.

00:08:41That mystery, man.

00:08:42You're embarrassed to bring home.

00:08:43Help me with the carrots.

00:08:44Before we get going with the carrots, I want to talk to you about...

00:08:47Yes.

00:08:48Tell me, tell me, tell me.

00:08:49I keep asking.

00:08:49Well, I wanted to make sure it was serious.

00:08:52And?

00:08:53It's, you know...

00:08:54What are you doing?

00:08:55Just checking.

00:08:56Oh, you see what he's doing?

00:08:57He's checking his stash.

00:08:59Stash?

00:08:59Of cookies.

00:09:00He wants to see how many I've eaten.

00:09:02What?

00:09:03I found the most amazing lemon cookie.

00:09:04Unfortunately, she also loves them.

00:09:07The woman can whack a box in a day.

00:09:08Oh, excuse you.

00:09:09I do not.

00:09:10Right.

00:09:10So...

00:09:11Peel.

00:09:11Talk and peel.

00:09:13You know, it's important for you guys to know that, like, having feelings for someone,

00:09:16it can take you by surprise.

00:09:18I mean, that you might not expect.

00:09:20I mean, it took me by surprise.

00:09:21Right.

00:09:22Um, and so I was thinking that, uh...

00:09:25What the...

00:09:26Who the hell could that be?

00:09:27If your parents are four hours early, I will literally scream.

00:09:30Can you get that?

00:09:32Just...

00:09:32I...

00:09:33Can you...

00:09:33Oh...

00:09:34They did this before.

00:09:37When?

00:09:37Three hundred and sixty-five days ago.

00:09:43What are you doing?

00:09:44Just stretching it out.

00:09:45Last night was a feat of physical dexterity with Mimi.

00:09:49No, what are you doing here?

00:09:50You can't be here.

00:09:51Yeah, your mom invited me.

00:09:52When?

00:09:52Last night, on the phone.

00:09:53She said if I...

00:09:54My plans fell through, I was more than welcome to come and join you guys.

00:09:56Oh, you're not.

00:09:57What happened to the father?

00:09:58I don't want Mimi thinking I want anything serious.

00:10:00Besides, Thanksgiving alone would be so depressing, and your family loves me.

00:10:03What's the people I'm trying to come out?

00:10:06On Thanksgiving?

00:10:06Yeah, that's pretty crazy.

00:10:07Wait.

00:10:09Austin!

00:10:09Hey!

00:10:10I didn't even know you were coming.

00:10:12Oh, this is great.

00:10:13Did you get the turkey?

00:10:15No wonder you sent the turkey.

00:10:17Mm-hmm.

00:10:17Okay, I understand.

00:10:20Oh, no.

00:10:21Austin!

00:10:22Come on in.

00:10:23Make yourself at home.

00:10:24That turkey was very thoughtful.

00:10:26See, I'm thoughtful.

00:10:27Oh, this is so great.

00:10:30No, he's not the boyfriend.

00:10:30How did this happen?

00:10:32No, no, no, no.

00:10:33Why does he...

00:10:33This is great.

00:10:34I love him.

00:10:35Mom, no, no, no.

00:10:36Isn't there a song like...

00:10:37Are you my best friend?

00:10:39Are you my lover?

00:10:40I don't know that song.

00:10:41No, or something like that?

00:10:42No.

00:10:42Come...

00:10:42Oh, my God.

00:10:43This is great.

00:10:44My friend.

00:10:49My name is Stamson.

00:10:54Okay, Lauren.

00:10:56I need your focus.

00:10:57Mom, I need your focus.

00:10:58Peel.

00:10:59Oh, what are you doing?

00:11:00Having breakfast.

00:11:01Pie is not breakfast.

00:11:03Blueberries.

00:11:04With sugar and butter.

00:11:06Talk sense into your father.

00:11:08That pie is not breakfast.

00:11:09So good.

00:11:09I can't serve that now.

00:11:12Are you eating meat these days?

00:11:13No, Mom.

00:11:14I was really hoping that was a phase.

00:11:16What are you doing?

00:11:18Guys, I really need to talk to the two of you alone.

00:11:20Whatever you have to say, you can say it in front of Austin.

00:11:23He's family.

00:11:23I mean, is he?

00:11:24That's a legitimate question.

00:11:26Oh, sweetie, you can't just dump your need to measure...

00:11:29Okay, what's on your mind?

00:11:33Talk, talk, talk.

00:11:34Last night, Haley and I went to this Alpac.

00:11:36Yeah, I saw a picture on Instagram.

00:11:38I liked it.

00:11:38Yeah, you are all over my social media.

00:11:40What is that?

00:11:40What is that supposed to mean?

00:11:41Nothing, nothing.

00:11:42I've got to get a broom.

00:11:44You went to an Alpaca meeting?

00:11:46Alpac.

00:11:46It's a superpac for lesbians, for women in power.

00:11:50It's a political power thing.

00:11:51Since when are you into politics?

00:11:52And lesbians.

00:11:53Can we please stay focused?

00:11:55Um, we went to this Alpac thing and then we came home and we made this, this very crumble

00:12:00together.

00:12:00You have got to take one of these brooms.

00:12:03We just got them at the motel.

00:12:05So you're a feminist now.

00:12:06They are freaking great.

00:12:06I'm just trying to stay in form.

00:12:07Oh, Haley's not in form you?

00:12:09That's a bummer.

00:12:10Feel it, sweetie.

00:12:11Yeah, go on.

00:12:12Feel the broom.

00:12:14Feel it.

00:12:15They got to feel good.

00:12:16When they feel good, they pick up all the stuff on the floor.

00:12:19You're taking one back.

00:12:20Women have to gather to rally.

00:12:22Because you're not a woman.

00:12:23Uh-huh.

00:12:23Yeah.

00:12:24She can ignore me.

00:12:25You can't.

00:12:26Yeah, I'll take one.

00:12:27Got a broom.

00:12:28It's important to keep the home clean.

00:12:30Mom, me and Austin, we don't have a home.

00:12:32We don't have a home.

00:12:33I am not against women.

00:12:35Oh, my God.

00:12:36So why are you yelling?

00:12:37Whatever you have to say, we support you.

00:12:39George, we love Austin, right?

00:12:41Do we?

00:12:41Austin, come with me now.

00:12:42We're going upstairs.

00:12:48No wonder you sent the turkey.

00:12:49This is very exciting.

00:12:50I just wish you would have had the decency to ask before moving in together.

00:12:55They were already living together, so...

00:12:58As roommates, but this...

00:13:00They're in love.

00:13:01Living in sin?

00:13:02Sweetie, this is the 21st century.

00:13:05These things just happen.

00:13:06These things don't just happen to my daughter.

00:13:09Fix this.

00:13:09And tell them you're a scissor sister?

00:13:11No way.

00:13:11No, tell them we're not dating, Austin.

00:13:13Tell them you're a lesbian.

00:13:14Two birds, one stone.

00:13:15This is not funny.

00:13:17Okay, come on.

00:13:21Took a deep breath.

00:13:25Relax.

00:13:27You're like a balloon.

00:13:30Let me be your strength.

00:13:31Baby girl, I'm having a crisis.

00:13:33Does this make me look fat?

00:13:34This is fat, right?

00:13:35Don't answer that.

00:13:37We're not dating.

00:13:38Oh, your father's going to come around.

00:13:40No, no, no, seriously, we're not dating Miss Anderson.

00:13:43I promise you, he's not the boyfriend.

00:13:45Okay.

00:13:46Hey, I'm going to go to the store.

00:13:47Oh, good.

00:13:48Wait, I need walnuts, Sunnybrook yogurt, pistachios for your father, and Yaros burp cheese.

00:13:52That's your favorite, right?

00:13:53Yeah, text it to me.

00:13:54Okay.

00:13:55You want to come with?

00:14:09I have nothing to wear.

00:14:11Nothing fits.

00:14:13Your father keeps bringing home cookies.

00:14:15Sure, it looks nice.

00:14:15I'm sad today without my dad.

00:14:22I don't know, Mom.

00:14:23I'm sorry.

00:14:24I miss him, too.

00:14:25I love you, Mom.

00:14:26I love you, too.

00:14:30Okay.

00:14:31Text the list.

00:14:33Text the list.

00:14:35Hey, Mom, I really got to talk to you about Haley.

00:14:39About Haley?

00:14:41Yeah.

00:14:42Okay.

00:14:42I understand, though.

00:14:44What do you understand?

00:14:45I'm excited to meet your friend, but I get it's hard maintaining friendships when you're

00:14:50in a relationship.

00:14:51What are you talking about?

00:14:52I mean, it's hard to be a best friend when someone else takes that place.

00:14:56You've had a lot of best friends.

00:14:57What?

00:14:58I thought we were best friends, but you don't tell me anything anymore.

00:15:02I tell you things, Mom.

00:15:04Tell me how to spell Yarosburg.

00:15:05It's a J.

00:15:07J-A-R-L-S-B-U-R-G-B-E-R-G.

00:15:13Okay, well, Haley's at the station now.

00:15:16Okay.

00:15:17So I guess I'll just go.

00:15:19You want me to come?

00:15:20No.

00:15:20How do I look?

00:15:21Do I look okay?

00:15:22Good.

00:15:22You look good.

00:15:23What does that mean?

00:15:24For someone who's doing all this meditating, you're awfully stressed, sweetie.

00:15:27Maybe you're not doing it right.

00:15:29Maybe it's reversing your brainwaves in some kind of way.

00:15:32Do you want anything while I'm texting your father?

00:15:35No.

00:15:36Okay.

00:15:54Where's the store?

00:15:55Well, you know, I just thought I'd get you away from the hubbub of the house, have a little

00:16:02chat man-to-man.

00:16:04Okay.

00:16:05Just had a couple questions.

00:16:08How long have you been dating my daughter?

00:16:11Oh, no.

00:16:13No, sir.

00:16:13We're not dating.

00:16:15Don't lie to me.

00:16:16Oh, no.

00:16:16I'm not lying.

00:16:18Okay.

00:16:20Let me rephrase.

00:16:21How long have you been sleeping with my daughter?

00:16:23Oh.

00:16:23Uh, what do you mean?

00:16:27What do I mean?

00:16:30Okay.

00:16:31What has Lauren told you?

00:16:34Nothing gets past me.

00:16:38We're not dating.

00:16:43You're saying you've never slept with my daughter?

00:16:47Is that what you're saying?

00:16:49Okay.

00:16:53Okay.

00:16:53Yeah.

00:16:54Um, yeah.

00:16:55So we slept together once and, um, never happened again.

00:17:00It was just one time and it didn't mean anything.

00:17:02It didn't mean anything?

00:17:03Well, I didn't mean like that.

00:17:04You know, it's just that we were...

00:17:06You slept with my daughter and it didn't mean anything.

00:17:09No, it didn't.

00:17:09It meant something.

00:17:10It just, we're not dating.

00:17:12You better be dating if you're sleeping with my daughter.

00:17:15But I, um...

00:17:16Take a look around.

00:17:21You see anybody?

00:17:23No.

00:17:26You think you'll be missed?

00:17:28What?

00:17:28Ten.

00:17:34Nine.

00:17:34Oh, God.

00:17:35Are you counting down to kill me?

00:17:36Eight.

00:17:37Okay.

00:17:38Yep.

00:17:39Seven.

00:17:40Okay.

00:17:41Yeah.

00:17:41We're dating.

00:17:42Six.

00:17:42We're dating.

00:17:43We're dating.

00:17:44We're dating.

00:17:44I am, um...

00:17:45Five.

00:17:45I am obsessed with her.

00:17:46I love her.

00:17:47She is...

00:17:47Four.

00:17:47A great human being.

00:17:48I think you birthed an amazing...

00:17:50Three.

00:17:51I'm dating your daughter.

00:17:53Okay.

00:17:54Man, that's a simple question.

00:17:57Just give a straight answer.

00:17:58Hey.

00:18:08Hi.

00:18:09I made it.

00:18:12Oh, I got this for your mom.

00:18:14Oh, that was really nice.

00:18:16And these.

00:18:18That was so thoughtful.

00:18:20Everything okay?

00:18:22Mm-hmm.

00:18:23Yeah.

00:18:24So how far is it from here?

00:18:27It's, uh...

00:18:28It's really close.

00:18:31So close.

00:18:37So, how did it go?

00:18:39You look really nice.

00:18:43So, Austin, um...

00:18:44I don't want to talk about Austin.

00:18:46No, I know.

00:18:47It's just that...

00:18:47Lauren, today is about you and me.

00:18:49And today is totally still about you and me, but I should tell you that Austin is...

00:18:53Right, so no Austin.

00:18:55Okay, but the thing is...

00:18:56If you say Austin one more time, I'm going to get out of this car.

00:18:59Welcome to my home.

00:19:11It's so cute.

00:19:12Yeah.

00:19:13Um, don't look at that.

00:19:15Okay, now I have to.

00:19:17Come on.

00:19:18Oh, God.

00:19:19Oh, wow.

00:19:22Yeah.

00:19:22This is amazing.

00:19:24Hold on to me.

00:19:26You must be Haley.

00:19:27Hi, um, these are for you.

00:19:29Oh, these are my favorite.

00:19:30That is so nice.

00:19:32It is such a pleasure to finally meet you.

00:19:33We've heard so much about you.

00:19:34Oh, thank you so much for having me.

00:19:36Oh, you're so welcome.

00:19:38I was just looking at this amazing collage.

00:19:40It's pretty great, right?

00:19:40Yes, it is so embarrassing.

00:19:42Oh, it's beautiful.

00:19:42She's always beautiful to me.

00:19:44Okay.

00:19:44Hey, Haley.

00:19:49I need to talk to you.

00:19:51Whoa.

00:19:52Hey.

00:19:53Oh, yeah, you went lumberjack chic, too.

00:19:54Come on.

00:19:54That's what I'm trying to tell you in a car.

00:19:56No, wait.

00:19:56Over here.

00:19:56I'm really sorry.

00:19:57What the hell, Austin?

00:20:03Hello.

00:20:04I'm George.

00:20:04Hi, I'm Haley.

00:20:06Pleasure.

00:20:07What's Austin doing here?

00:20:08Oh, he just surprised us.

00:20:09I might kill him.

00:20:10The feeling's mutual.

00:20:12Why did you tell your father that we slept together?

00:20:14Yes, he was all like, I know you slept with my daughter.

00:20:17Did you tell me?

00:20:18He knew.

00:20:18He's with our daughter in her bedroom.

00:20:20I know.

00:20:21Um, this is for the two of you.

00:20:22Thank you both so much for having me and welcoming me into your home on Thanksgiving.

00:20:27Your daughter is amazing.

00:20:29I can't tell you how much this means.

00:20:30Lauren told me how important you are.

00:20:32Aw.

00:20:33So tell us about Austin.

00:20:35Yeah, what's his deal?

00:20:36Um, he's fine.

00:20:37He wants to kill me.

00:20:39I'm legitimately killing me.

00:20:40I'm going to kill you.

00:20:40I might kill you.

00:20:41I may actually kill you.

00:20:42This must be tough.

00:20:43You get jealous.

00:20:44Of Austin.

00:20:46It's okay, you can tell me.

00:20:47I guess.

00:20:48They're just so close.

00:20:49Of course, they have a special connection.

00:20:51Special to my ass.

00:20:52And I understand.

00:20:53It's totally natural.

00:20:55Well, I don't think I've admitted that before.

00:20:57Even to Lauren?

00:20:58Don't worry.

00:20:59It'll all work out.

00:21:00When they get married, you'll still be close friends.

00:21:03Um, what?

00:21:05Me and Austin are not dating.

00:21:06Austin and I.

00:21:07You were an English major.

00:21:08Let's, why don't we go outside, get some fresh air.

00:21:11Come on.

00:21:15Where the hell's he going?

00:21:16Stop.

00:21:20What's he doing here?

00:21:21Uh, yeah.

00:21:22I was planning on telling them and then the doorbell rang and my parents just kind of assumed

00:21:25you were getting married.

00:21:26He sent a turkey?

00:21:28He sent a turkey?

00:21:29I know.

00:21:30I know.

00:21:30Listen, I will make this better.

00:21:32I'm okay.

00:21:33That is just horrifying.

00:21:58What?

00:21:58The neighbors do not need to see this kid's pelvis.

00:22:01What are you talking about?

00:22:03I never liked the idea of her moving in with some guy off of Craigslist.

00:22:06Oh, I remember vividly you saying that kid's got a good head on his shoulders.

00:22:10I remember.

00:22:10Knock that head off.

00:22:11Oh, you don't like any Lauren's boyfriends.

00:22:13Remember that nice kid, Johnny?

00:22:14You gave him PTSD.

00:22:16Johnny was a bum.

00:22:18Meanwhile, we invited Austin into our home for Thanksgiving and he clearly deceived us

00:22:22with his intentions.

00:22:23How could you not fall in love with our daughter?

00:22:25He's got her lying to us.

00:22:27She never lied to us.

00:22:29Sweetie.

00:22:30Do you think she's pregnant?

00:22:40Where's your sharpener?

00:22:41No, no, no, no.

00:22:53What?

00:22:54It's my grandparents.

00:22:55So we're playing straight today.

00:22:59They're not listening to me.

00:23:03Maybe they'll listen to you.

00:23:05Why don't you give it a try?

00:23:06Go tell them.

00:23:07What?

00:23:08You go tell my parents.

00:23:10No.

00:23:11Okay.

00:23:11I just met them.

00:23:12I am not coming out for you.

00:23:15Austin.

00:23:16Oh, what a surprise.

00:23:18Hello, Anderson grandparents.

00:23:21Call me Josephine.

00:23:22Grandpa gets it done.

00:23:24And don't you worry.

00:23:25I got your smoked turkey.

00:23:28He's arm and arm with your grandma.

00:23:30I am not with Austin.

00:23:32I am with you.

00:23:33Okay?

00:23:34They're going to love you.

00:23:35Come on.

00:23:35Walk along like you know how to walk.

00:23:37I'm waiting for you, bitch.

00:23:40I can walk.

00:23:41Look at the...

00:23:41Oh, good.

00:23:42Okay.

00:23:43Well, keep up.

00:23:45You're going to be the death of me.

00:23:46Well, the death of you will be your cholesterol.

00:23:49Oh, really?

00:23:49Did you ever hear of Lipitor?

00:23:51Wait a second.

00:23:52Lipitor.

00:23:53Lipitor.

00:23:54Lipitor.

00:23:54You're a doctor.

00:23:55Ask...

00:23:56Should I get some?

00:23:57Jesus Christ.

00:23:58What are the side effects?

00:24:00Death.

00:24:05Keep walking.

00:24:06You don't have to wait for me.

00:24:07I don't need a helper.

00:24:08Well, you need something.

00:24:13Let's go in there so that he can see you by my side.

00:24:17And he can process it.

00:24:19And I'll clear this all up, all right?

00:24:23I'm fine.

00:24:24Happy Thanksgiving.

00:24:32Happy Thanksgiving.

00:24:34I'm so happy.

00:24:35Everyone's early.

00:24:37You wore those pants again?

00:24:39Look at them.

00:24:40Yeah.

00:24:41Yes, I did.

00:24:42Well, thank heaven I didn't dress up.

00:24:44Well, they're very comfortable here.

00:24:46They're very heinous.

00:24:47They may be heinous, but something smells awfully good.

00:24:52Well, this is so great because, you know, your son ate the entire pie.

00:24:58I was wanting to serve for breakfast.

00:25:00Oh, pie is okay for breakfast.

00:25:01Maybe everyone can congregate in the living room.

00:25:04Austin sent me one of those smoked turkeys.

00:25:06Now I'm excited about Thanksgiving.

00:25:08This man ate a whole pie?

00:25:11Part of a pie.

00:25:12She's exaggerating, pig.

00:25:14Everyone, can I have your attention?

00:25:16We're dating.

00:25:17Yes.

00:25:18Austin and Lauren are dating.

00:25:21You're misunderstanding.

00:25:22That's wonderful.

00:25:23No, Grandma stop it.

00:25:24No, Grandma stop it.

00:25:25No, no, no, no.

00:25:26It's not what you think.

00:25:28But it's very meaningful.

00:25:29There's just a bit of confusion here.

00:25:31Yeah, listen.

00:25:31Do you work with Laura?

00:25:32Yeah, a little...

00:25:34Haley is a lawyer.

00:25:36Um, she actually makes money.

00:25:37So do you.

00:25:38How's the writing coming?

00:25:39Bet you got a whole lot of new material now.

00:25:42Her writing's going really well.

00:25:45Tell them.

00:25:45What kind of law?

00:25:46Uh, environmental law.

00:25:47All about shrubbery and bushes.

00:25:49I love shrubbery.

00:25:50I don't know anything about environmental law.

00:25:52I learn something new every day.

00:25:54As did I, madam, the day I married you till today.

00:25:58What's the newest thing you've learned?

00:26:00You, ma'am, have major games.

00:26:02All right, you two get a room.

00:26:03Um, Haley and I met in yoga.

00:26:06Thought you weren't supposed to talk in yoga.

00:26:08Well, she hates rules.

00:26:09Haley is not my friend.

00:26:11She's your best friend.

00:26:12I like that picture of you two on Instagram last night.

00:26:15That was really cute.

00:26:15She's talking about the El Pac event.

00:26:17Yeah.

00:26:17Uh, lesbians for women in power.

00:26:19Yeah, we got a bunch of feminists in the house.

00:26:22Are you two wearing the same shirt?

00:26:24Okay.

00:26:24Come with me.

00:26:27Okay.

00:26:28That's great.

00:26:28Excuse me.

00:26:29Here goes, too.

00:26:35They're not listening.

00:26:37I told you.

00:26:38No, like, they're really not listening.

00:26:40I mean, okay, they're still my family.

00:26:46What?

00:26:48Jesus Christ!

00:26:49How many times do I have to knock before somebody answers the door?

00:26:51What's with the girl in the van?

00:26:53Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:26:54Mike!

00:26:54Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

00:26:55Mike!

00:26:56Mike!

00:26:56What?

00:26:58You heard me.

00:26:59I don't even know what you're talking about!

00:27:01Oh, I don't believe you.

00:27:02Where's the cranberry sauce?

00:27:04What?

00:27:04I asked you to bring wine.

00:27:05I don't want...

00:27:06Oh, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

00:27:07I brought wine.

00:27:08Oh, great.

00:27:08I brought wine!

00:27:09So we're drinking again.

00:27:10So we're drinking again.

00:27:10That makes me happy.

00:27:12So this is your bedroom?

00:27:15And this is it.

00:27:16I'm so glad we're sharing this moment with Austin.

00:27:19No one wants to out you guys more than me right now.

00:27:22Why exactly are you here?

00:27:24How was I supposed to know you were going to drop the lesbomb today?

00:27:26Why did you send a turkey?

00:27:28Because her grandmother liked it last year.

00:27:31You're deliberately trying to sabotage me.

00:27:34Shut up.

00:27:35Both of you.

00:27:36Go with the flow, and when the right moment presents itself, I will tell them we are in

00:27:41a relationship.

00:27:43Okay.

00:27:44But listen, you just have to rip off that band-aid.

00:27:47I didn't want there to be any ripping.

00:27:49I know.

00:27:50That's not how it was supposed to happen.

00:27:52Oh, I know.

00:27:54I'm sorry.

00:27:56Hey, it's going to be okay.

00:28:04So this is your bedroom?

00:28:05This is my bedroom.

00:28:08All of this was made here.

00:28:11How did you even fit on the bed with all these stuffed animals?

00:28:14I don't know.

00:28:16I'm actually not sure.

00:28:18Who's this guy?

00:28:19This is Teddy.

00:28:21I lacked imagination.

00:28:23This is like quite the introduction to six-year-old Lauren.

00:28:26Oh, I'm sorry.

00:28:28It's okay.

00:28:31Hey, Mom.

00:28:32Happy Thanksgiving.

00:28:34Oh, it smells so good in here.

00:28:36You look so handsome.

00:28:37Really?

00:28:38Yes, I really like this hair.

00:28:39Why don't I have a girlfriend, then?

00:28:41This deserves a girlfriend.

00:28:42It's so touchable.

00:28:43What's up?

00:28:44I did bring a little bit of laundry for us to do, but I don't know how to do it.

00:28:49So I thought, you know, you'd do it.

00:28:51Oh, good ass in that.

00:28:52It's all good.

00:28:53Honey, one holiday at a time, please.

00:29:03Can I have my phone back now?

00:29:05Jess, would you give her the phone back?

00:29:07Don't make me the bad cop.

00:29:09You are the bad cop.

00:29:11Hey, don't push her.

00:29:13Hey, here we go.

00:29:19Let's have a good time.

00:29:24Can I please have my phone now?

00:29:26No.

00:29:27And don't slam the door.

00:29:29Can we just eat some food and give thanks?

00:29:32Oh, I'm not thankful.

00:29:34How about giving thanks for me birthing you?

00:29:36Put your child out of your vagina for 32 hours.

00:29:38You won't be crying about that phone.

00:29:40Mom, don't say vagina.

00:29:41And don't mention the spinach dip.

00:29:45Hey, the good guys are here.

00:29:47Hey.

00:29:48Oh, my God.

00:29:49How are you?

00:29:50I'm very, very well made.

00:29:54Oh, there, beautiful lady.

00:29:56Happy Thanksgiving, Mom.

00:29:57Yes, you're on the lips.

00:29:58I love you.

00:29:59Hey, tough guy.

00:30:00How you doing?

00:30:01I'm doing great.

00:30:02Yeah?

00:30:02I feel great.

00:30:03I got the appetite back.

00:30:04How do I look?

00:30:05Like a hundred damn dollars.

00:30:06You actually asked him if he felt good.

00:30:08Look at the woman's face that he brought with him.

00:30:11I mean, how could you not feel good?

00:30:12Pop, come on.

00:30:14Jessica.

00:30:15Hi, Mike.

00:30:16Maggie.

00:30:16Hi.

00:30:17Cool gang is here.

00:30:18Great.

00:30:18This is Sally.

00:30:20Don.

00:30:20Hi.

00:30:21Don't you eat meat?

00:30:22No, thanks.

00:30:22I actually don't eat meat.

00:30:24Oh.

00:30:24Are you a vegetarian?

00:30:26Yeah.

00:30:26Wait.

00:30:27You're the one that turned my daughter vegetarian?

00:30:30No, actually, she turned me vegetarian.

00:30:32She doesn't eat meat, but she eats pie.

00:30:35So do you, love.

00:30:36I used to.

00:30:36Can I have my phone?

00:30:37Not until you learn that my privacy is my privacy.

00:30:40She has taken to filming me in the bathroom.

00:30:42Enough.

00:30:42Mm-hmm.

00:30:43On the toilet, in the shower, waxing, sweating.

00:30:46Oh, my God.

00:30:47Well, that's flattering.

00:30:48Oh, that's it, right?

00:30:50Yes.

00:30:50Come on.

00:30:52Real flattering.

00:30:53Somebody said there was going to be turkey.

00:30:56Oh, yeah, it's hilarious.

00:30:58You really are.

00:30:59You should have some wine.

00:31:00I don't want wine.

00:31:01It's a bottle that Haley brought.

00:31:03You shut up.

00:31:04Great.

00:31:05Is there a reason you don't want wine?

00:31:07The specific reason.

00:31:08Do you like drinking?

00:31:10That's it.

00:31:11Dad, I don't want wine.

00:31:12Uncle George, I'll hug you.

00:31:13Do you want the wine?

00:31:14No.

00:31:15I'm thinking you might want some.

00:31:16Lauren, can you grab me some extra oven mitts from downstairs?

00:31:18Oh, I'll go get them.

00:31:19Lauren, can you show Haley where the extra oven mitts are?

00:31:23Mom, can you ask Dad why he's being crazy?

00:31:24He doesn't want any wine.

00:31:26Where the hell is the turkey?

00:31:27Hey, Ben, I'm with Pop.

00:31:28Let's eat.

00:31:29It's roast meat.

00:31:30Hey, me.

00:31:31It sucks you.

00:31:33Okay.

00:31:33You need to drink that wine.

00:31:35I'm getting drunk.

00:31:35I'm not going to fix anything.

00:31:37They think you're pregnant.

00:31:38No.

00:31:39Oh, yeah.

00:31:40They think you came home to tell them you're in a relationship with Austin,

00:31:42and you're pregnant.

00:31:44Congratulations.

00:31:45Oh, my God.

00:31:46Um, I just need to get my mom alone for, like, a minute.

00:31:51Is someone smoking pot?

00:31:53I don't think so.

00:31:54I mean, nobody smokes.

00:31:57What?

00:32:04My uncle is smoking weed in Pop-Up's bathroom.

00:32:06My uncle, this, my Pop-Up used to live down here.

00:32:09My uncle's in there smoking and shaving.

00:32:11My mom's going to kill him.

00:32:11Why is he shaving?

00:32:12Why is he smoking?

00:32:14Ask if he wants to share.

00:32:15That's not funny.

00:32:16I'm not joking.

00:32:17I'll be right back.

00:32:18No, just give me, just give me five minutes.

00:32:20No.

00:32:21Please.

00:32:22Please just give me five minutes.

00:32:23I'll just talk to my mom.

00:32:24You get one minute.

00:32:26Oh, my God.

00:32:27You look so cute in that dress.

00:32:28I like you in a smile.

00:32:30Relax.

00:32:31I'll be right back.

00:32:39Oh, quick.

00:32:41Lauren.

00:32:41No, not right now.

00:32:42You're a friend.

00:32:42No.

00:32:43Yeah.

00:32:44We had a connection.

00:32:44There was no connection.

00:32:45Tell me one thing.

00:32:46What kind of guys does she take?

00:32:48She is unavailable.

00:32:50Hey, listen.

00:32:50What?

00:32:51My smoking weed in Pop-Up's bathroom.

00:32:53Is he going to share?

00:32:54John.

00:32:55What?

00:32:55What do you want me to do about it?

00:32:56I just need everyone to put her shit together for five seconds.

00:32:59Okay.

00:32:59Talk to mom.

00:32:59Can you just help me do that?

00:33:01That's fair.

00:33:01She's in the kitchen, you know, basting away.

00:33:04Okay.

00:33:06No.

00:33:06Where are you going?

00:33:07Stay.

00:33:07I just want to have a stimulating conversation with somebody.

00:33:10She seems smart.

00:33:11I'll see you later.

00:33:11What the hell?

00:33:16This cannot be right.

00:33:17According to this, the turkey's done.

00:33:20According to this, we ate it already.

00:33:22Vegetarian or not, you need to try the smoked turkey, Lauren.

00:33:26It was a gift from your boyfriend.

00:33:28It wasn't.

00:33:29No.

00:33:29She's going to try meat.

00:33:30It's going to be my meat.

00:33:32Can you at least try my gravy?

00:33:33I'm not trying meat today.

00:33:34Oh, yes, you are.

00:33:34You're trying this gravy.

00:33:35You really want to.

00:33:35How about I try it and then we go talk?

00:33:37We're talking right now.

00:33:38We're not talking.

00:33:39It's so good, right?

00:33:41It's really good.

00:33:43Why?

00:33:44This is the best one I have ever made.

00:33:49That is good.

00:33:50Rose, I hate to tell you, you don't fry with olive oil.

00:33:56No, I learned that when they told us about it in Greece.

00:34:00Never.

00:34:01Okay.

00:34:03We're in New Jersey.

00:34:04Canola oil or coconut oil.

00:34:06Really?

00:34:08Huh.

00:34:08You know, when I was a young girl and I had an itchy lady garden.

00:34:12Excuse me.

00:34:12I put just a drop of olive oil on a cotton swab and pat it down there.

00:34:17Oh, my God.

00:34:20That's so great.

00:34:21How often would you do that?

00:34:23Every single time.

00:34:26Have you ever had an itch down there?

00:34:28Never.

00:34:29Never.

00:34:29That's never happened.

00:34:30Mom, I need my phone.

00:34:31I need to film this.

00:34:32Oh, yeah, but that's not happening because you and your friends do too much of that snatching

00:34:35of drugs and naked pictures.

00:34:37I'm not doing any of that.

00:34:38Okay, whatever.

00:34:39All I'm saying is your generation is over-sexualized.

00:34:42No, that was never Lauren.

00:34:44What?

00:34:45You were an angel.

00:34:46Do you remember when you asked me what this meant?

00:34:49I literally want to die.

00:34:50Wait, what?

00:34:51Some brat at school did that and she wanted to know what he was talking about, right?

00:34:55Can we stop making that motion forever?

00:34:58This you know.

00:35:00Mom, let me live my life, okay?

00:35:01Tell them about the spin the bottle.

00:35:03Mom, this is not a roast.

00:35:05Lauren called me in seventh grade.

00:35:08It was sixth grade.

00:35:09Seventh grade and everybody was playing spin the bottle, right?

00:35:14I didn't want my first kiss to be with some random guy.

00:35:17Right, and you called me, your mom.

00:35:20I snuck off and called my mom and asked her if I should play.

00:35:23What'd she say?

00:35:23What'd you say?

00:35:23I said, you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing, but you hang up the phone and don't

00:35:29tell anyone you called.

00:35:31Aw, loser.

00:35:33Yes, I was not cool.

00:35:34I miss those days.

00:35:35You told me everything.

00:35:38I just have some clarification.

00:35:40You and Austin?

00:35:42Not together.

00:35:43Why are you keeping it secret?

00:35:45I'm not keeping it a secret.

00:35:46I've been trying to tell everyone.

00:35:48We're not together.

00:35:49I got an idea.

00:35:50Put it in your hands and pray.

00:35:53Pray and pray to God that someday you figure out that you can get your shit together.

00:36:01Put that rosary away.

00:36:03Put it away.

00:36:04Why?

00:36:05We only use it for important things.

00:36:06God belongs in your house every day of your life, lady.

00:36:11We're not talking about God right now.

00:36:12We're talking about your rosary.

00:36:14Jessica, do you have a boyfriend?

00:36:15Change your subject.

00:36:16I'm so into lacrosse players.

00:36:18Is Austin a lacrosse player?

00:36:20Lacrosse?

00:36:20Where do you see lacrosse players?

00:36:22You don't know what I do.

00:36:24Rose, I need more.

00:36:25Where are you going?

00:36:26I need more chairs.

00:36:27They're in the basement.

00:36:28Mike's smoking weed down there.

00:36:30What?

00:36:31How is that surprising?

00:36:32What are you chewing?

00:36:33Nothing.

00:36:33I'm not chewing.

00:36:34Look at that.

00:36:35One of my cookies.

00:36:39Mike!

00:36:41What?

00:36:42What the hell are you doing?

00:36:44I'm shaving.

00:36:45I smell weed.

00:36:46I'm shaving.

00:36:47You're smoking in our deceased father's bathroom.

00:36:49It's all in your head.

00:36:50I'm telling you, Rose, stop it.

00:36:53Rose, what's going on with you?

00:36:55What are you laughing at?

00:36:56What is so goddamn funny?

00:36:57You don't look normal right now.

00:36:58You don't look normal.

00:36:59It's not Rose.

00:37:00You are too...

00:37:00No, I'm kind of depressed.

00:37:02I never know.

00:37:03Yeah, that is called being an adult.

00:37:05You look like Grandma.

00:37:06You look just like Grandma.

00:37:08I am still going to kill you.

00:37:09God damn it.

00:37:11I have had it.

00:37:13I am not your goddamn mother.

00:37:17Right over there, I saw Lauren kiss Harry.

00:37:22Lauren's dating Austin.

00:37:26Kids these days think they can have their gluten-free cake and eat it, too.

00:37:30Oh, what should we do about it?

00:37:33You do nothing.

00:37:34I'll handle this.

00:37:35You put those hands on me, you get bossy, and it turns me on still.

00:37:47So, no meat at all?

00:37:49Nope.

00:37:50Where do you get your protein?

00:37:51Oh, Haley eats fish.

00:37:54Oh, right.

00:37:54Yeah, yeah, so there's a name for that.

00:37:56It's a pescatarian.

00:37:59You're a pescatarian.

00:38:00No, I'm not.

00:38:01Semantics.

00:38:01Maybe I should be a pescatarian.

00:38:02Hey, we're just talking about Haley's meat-eating habits.

00:38:05Austin's telling your brother he ate fish.

00:38:07What do you think about that, Lauren?

00:38:09Gosh, it starts with a P.

00:38:10No, pescatarian.

00:38:11I'm pretty sure that's right.

00:38:12Am I wrong?

00:38:13That's not it.

00:38:14Lauren?

00:38:16Lauren?

00:38:17I'm sorry.

00:38:18I'm sorry.

00:38:18No, pescatarian.

00:38:20I'll tell you later.

00:38:21I want to make sure you're comfortable, you know?

00:38:22Me, casa, it's your house.

00:38:24Thanks.

00:38:25Yeah.

00:38:25You play lacrosse?

00:38:27Yeah, in high school.

00:38:29Nice.

00:38:31Lauren?

00:38:33What's going on, Grandma?

00:38:34You never bring the side dish with the main dish.

00:38:37Huh?

00:38:38You don't think I know what's going on?

00:38:41You and Haley?

00:38:42Yes.

00:38:43Me and Haley.

00:38:45Yeah.

00:38:46Wow.

00:38:47I didn't think that you'd be the first person to figure that out.

00:38:49You guys just share your vegetarian plates and throw meat in when you feel like it.

00:38:53Wait, what?

00:38:54You, Haley, Austin.

00:38:56I don't care what you do in your own personal time, but you don't bring the side dish with

00:39:00the main course home for the holidays.

00:39:01No, no, no.

00:39:02I'm with Haley.

00:39:03I'm not Austin.

00:39:03There's no side dish.

00:39:05Don't bullshit me.

00:39:07He sent a turkey.

00:39:09I'm not pushing me.

00:39:09Hey, Lauren.

00:39:11Your brother's...

00:39:14Yeah.

00:39:15John, stop waving at my friend.

00:39:18Holy cock, Bobby.

00:39:19I'm watching you.

00:39:23Shut the door.

00:39:24It's cold outside.

00:39:26I saw the two of you kissing.

00:39:35Nice seeing you both.

00:39:38What?

00:39:39What do you want?

00:39:40John, stop it, Haley.

00:39:42Okay.

00:39:43I think she might be into it, so I really don't want to stop.

00:39:45She's not into it.

00:39:46Okay, she might be.

00:39:47She's not into it at all.

00:39:47I'm picking up some things, and if you think I don't know when I'm getting the eyes, then

00:39:52you're wrong.

00:39:52There's no eyes.

00:39:53You're not her type.

00:39:54This is one of those amazing, beautiful romances that's just starting to blossom.

00:39:57What are you talking about?

00:39:58She just showed up.

00:39:59Yeah.

00:40:00John, listen.

00:40:00You have to relax.

00:40:01Listen to me.

00:40:01I see.

00:40:02Sense that you're worked up.

00:40:03Listen to me.

00:40:04Okay.

00:40:04Haley is my girlfriend.

00:40:07Oh.

00:40:08Oh.

00:40:08Okay.

00:40:10Yeah.

00:40:11But, I mean, you made out with tons of my friends.

00:40:12Oh, my God.

00:40:13I made out with one of your friends, and it wasn't Thanksgiving.

00:40:15Let it go.

00:40:16I owe you one.

00:40:16Don't point.

00:40:17Point your finger away.

00:40:18I owe you one.

00:40:18Put the finger away.

00:40:19Okay.

00:40:20You know what?

00:40:20If you don't think I can make out with her, then I will take that as a challenge.

00:40:25Don't.

00:40:25Your room smells like farts.

00:40:27Get out.

00:40:28So, maybe you want to do something about that.

00:40:34And.

00:40:38Why don't you get over there so I can keep an eye on you?

00:40:54Ah.

00:40:56You all right?

00:40:57Oh, yeah.

00:40:57Yeah, they just, uh, they did a lot of cutting around the muscle.

00:41:00So, you're going to blame cancer for your shitty golf game?

00:41:05You look all right, buddy.

00:41:07Don't lie to me.

00:41:08I look like shit.

00:41:09Well, there's that.

00:41:13Hey, what's the deal with Dad and the rosary?

00:41:17Well, he, uh, he promised you'd do the rosary every day if you beat cancer.

00:41:25So, he's screwed.

00:41:27You look good, though.

00:41:32You eating healthy?

00:41:34From the guy who eats pie for breakfast.

00:41:36And lunch.

00:41:38You know, Georgie, I feel good.

00:41:40Good.

00:41:40I feel like a teenager.

00:41:41Like a really old, out-of-shape teenager.

00:41:45Four?

00:41:46Four?

00:41:47Four?

00:41:48On your house?

00:41:56Okay.

00:41:57I need a new thermometer.

00:42:00Lauren, get me a new thermometer for Christmas.

00:42:03That's all I want.

00:42:04Oh, great.

00:42:05I'm hungry.

00:42:06Hey, sweetie.

00:42:07I have your baby clothes up in the attic.

00:42:09Mom, there's no reason for baby clothes.

00:42:10Oh, okay.

00:42:11Is something burning in here?

00:42:13No, it's the smoked turkey.

00:42:16I mean, my turkey's fine.

00:42:17It smells.

00:42:18That's not a turkey.

00:42:19Yeah, what's with the smoked turkey?

00:42:20It's a family tradition.

00:42:22Alias up.

00:42:22I am going to be an awesome grandma.

00:42:25Yo!

00:42:26Would a rational pregnant person do this?

00:42:29Yeah, boy.

00:42:31Oh, boy.

00:42:31Oh, wow.

00:42:33No.

00:42:34No way to do that.

00:42:35Oh, my God.

00:42:36No.

00:42:36So awesome.

00:42:38There's no baby.

00:42:39You just killed it.

00:42:40There's never a baby, Mom.

00:42:42There's never a baby.

00:42:44Get the turkey!

00:42:45Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:42:46Get the turkey!

00:42:47Everybody out of the house.

00:42:48That's right, guys.

00:42:49Get the turkey!

00:42:50Get the turkey!

00:42:51Get the turkey!

00:42:51Save the turkey and get out!

00:42:53Come on.

00:42:54Kelly and I have been dating for six months.

00:42:56No one seems to give a shit about anything.

00:42:59Move, move, move.

00:43:00Get out!

00:43:03Torch, where are Mom and Dad?

00:43:05Has anybody seen my father?

00:43:07Okay, we gotta go now.

00:43:09We gotta go.

00:43:11The house is okay.

00:43:12The basement's got a lot of smoke damage.

00:43:15What caused the fire?

00:43:16It's a joy, Chief.

00:43:20Doug, do you want to share?

00:43:23It's gonna be okay, Mom.

00:43:24Why don't we go to the motel and have Thanksgiving dinner?

00:43:27Yeah.

00:43:28Okay.

00:43:30Okay.

00:43:31Oh, my God.

00:43:32It's all that stuff.

00:43:34I know.

00:43:35His...

00:43:36His baseball bat.

00:43:39I know.

00:43:39It's gonna be okay.

00:43:43His bird butts.

00:43:44I mean...

00:43:44It's gonna be okay.

00:43:45It's gonna be okay.

00:43:46Oh, my God.

00:43:49Come on.

00:43:50Um...

00:43:50I'll be right back.

00:43:52Are you gonna be okay?

00:43:52Yep.

00:43:58Oh.

00:43:59Happy Thanksgiving, Rose.

00:44:00Oh, happy Thanksgiving to you, Chief.

00:44:01And that is one hell of a way to smoke a turkey.

00:44:04Ha!

00:44:07Dick.

00:44:08Hey, where are you going?

00:44:10The brother's gonna give me a ride to the station.

00:44:12I tried to tell him you heard me.

00:44:15No, I know.

00:44:15I'm sorry.

00:44:16Look, I'm just really uncomfortable.

00:44:18This is crazy, right?

00:44:19John?

00:44:20What?

00:44:20Hailey's staying.

00:44:21You're staying.

00:44:21She said she wanted a ride.

00:44:22I'll give her a ride.

00:44:23It's your deal, anyway.

00:44:24You seem really, like, depressed or something.

00:44:26I can hold on to a bag, okay?

00:44:28I need to stay, Rose.

00:44:30I need my friend's support.

00:44:33Look, I get it that your family doesn't want to hear about your friends today, but I think

00:44:37they need to know.

00:44:38I need to know that my friend has my back, and I need my friend to be open and honest

00:44:43about her feelings.

00:44:44Friends are there even when it's inconvenient.

00:44:46They're there when you need them the most.

00:44:47She sounds like she's pretty hard to be friends with, right?

00:44:50Probably not even bother.

00:44:52Give me how he's back.

00:44:53Hey, hey, hey.

00:44:53Give me your...

00:44:54Sibling rivalry.

00:44:55Hey, guys, who am I riding with you?

00:44:56Hey, guys, we can, um, we can fit three in our backseat, and we're gonna get sick.

00:45:02Hey, we got the food in the driveway.

00:45:04You can have, like, a picnic, man.

00:45:07It's a beautiful day, you know.

00:45:08Make him shut up.

00:45:09Make him shut up or I will die.

00:45:11There's no reason that we all gotta climb in the car and go to the motel.

00:45:16Seriously.

00:45:17Hey, Allison.

00:45:17My parents said you're coming with us.

00:45:19Cool.

00:45:20Oh.

00:45:21I know.

00:45:23We're just gonna...

00:45:23We're gonna go to the motel, and we're gonna have a perfect Thanksgiving dinner.

00:45:28Look, you are a saint.

00:45:30We're putting up with all this.

00:45:32Oh, Mrs. Anderson.

00:45:33Hmm.

00:45:34Oh, it's gonna be okay.

00:45:35These are Ken's keys, and this is Ken's car, but it's just that they're not working.

00:45:40Sweetie, find the keys that work for that car, or find a car that goes with those keys, okay?

00:45:45Johnny, put on your big boy pants.

00:45:47Don't let the panic win.

00:45:48So you're coming back to the motel with us, right?

00:45:52Oh, yes, you are.

00:45:53Yeah.

00:45:53Yes, you are.

00:45:54Thank you so much for having me.

00:45:56So we're just all gonna go to the motel?

00:45:58Yep.

00:45:58All right, roommates.

00:46:00John.

00:46:00What?

00:46:01Leave Haley alone.

00:46:02I'm not leaving her alone.

00:46:04I've been talking to everybody.

00:46:06I've been talking to everybody.

00:46:06Guys, guys, guys.

00:46:07Just go away.

00:46:08Where else would I go?

00:46:09I can't go in the house.

00:46:10Okay.

00:46:11He's a moron.

00:46:12Here we go.

00:46:13He's a moron.

00:46:14I'm sorry.

00:46:16I'm sorry he's harassing you.

00:46:18Work on your attitude.

00:46:19Shut up!

00:46:21We're all good!

00:46:22What's with the smoked turkey?

00:46:36How many times are we gonna go through this today?

00:46:39Austin sent it.

00:46:40What?

00:46:41He doesn't like your turkey?

00:46:43Does Austin not like my turkey?

00:46:45No, Mom.

00:46:45It was just a gesture.

00:46:47There's a peace offering.

00:46:48He knew I wanted to kill him.

00:46:49If you're gonna eat turkey today,

00:46:51it's gonna be my turkey.

00:46:53See, Lauren,

00:46:53your mom doesn't want you eating Austin's meat.

00:46:55I thought you don't eat meat.

00:46:57I don't.

00:46:58Do you have any allergies

00:46:59I should know about Haley?

00:47:01Just bees.

00:47:02Okay, I'm not gonna cook bees,

00:47:03so that's fine.

00:47:04She's gonna make us dinner.

00:47:06Oh, man.

00:47:19Mmm.

00:47:19So, now,

00:47:21how long have you and Lauren

00:47:22been officially together?

00:47:24Yeah, no,

00:47:24it's not official.

00:47:25Oh.

00:47:26What the hell would you call it?

00:47:28Keeping your options open?

00:47:29Yep.

00:47:29Nope,

00:47:29that's not,

00:47:30not keeping our options open.

00:47:32We're just, uh,

00:47:32we're just roommates.

00:47:34Mm-hmm.

00:47:35Roommates.

00:47:38No phone?

00:47:39Disgusting casserole?

00:47:40Hey,

00:47:41it is not a casserole,

00:47:42it is a spinach dip.

00:47:44And it's the best

00:47:45goddamn spinach dip

00:47:47in this part of the country.

00:47:49Salty,

00:47:50it's buttery,

00:47:51the edges get a little bit

00:47:52textury,

00:47:53it's fantastic.

00:47:54That, to me,

00:47:55I mean,

00:47:56I don't know,

00:47:56it just seems perfect.

00:47:58Well, and also,

00:47:59I steam this...

00:47:59If you pull it out a little early,

00:48:01sometimes we get a situation.

00:48:02Oh,

00:48:20Oh,

00:48:24Oh,

00:48:25Oh,

00:48:28Are you kidding me?

00:48:45Hey, Mama.

00:48:46Yes, sweetie.

00:48:47Let's try to enjoy what's left of the day.

00:48:50Papa would have wanted us to have a lovely Thanksgiving.

00:48:53It's very well for her.

00:48:54Here.

00:48:55Okay?

00:48:56All right?

00:48:56Wait a second.

00:48:57What?

00:48:58Probably I'll stay over there.

00:49:00Hey, John, maybe make yourself useful.

00:49:02Yeah, no problem.

00:49:03I was just saying we can figure out sleeping arrangements whenever it's good.

00:49:05You better obviously share.

00:49:06It's not an option.

00:49:08Listen, my mom is at boiling point.

00:49:11Let me just bring her back to zero, okay?

00:49:13I get it.

00:49:14I get it.

00:49:15It's all about preserving your mom's emotions.

00:49:18You know, maybe I should just get together with John.

00:49:21That'll make her happy.

00:49:22You're being ridiculous.

00:49:23Your cousin is sexually harassing me.

00:49:25You need to deal with that?

00:49:26I can't deal with anything else today.

00:49:29Can you take this?

00:49:30Yeah.

00:49:32Okay, okay.

00:49:32I got it.

00:49:33I got it.

00:49:34What is going on here?

00:49:35This parking lot is for guests only.

00:49:37Is everything okay here?

00:49:38Everything is great.

00:49:40Guests only, please.

00:49:42I'm with Mike.

00:49:44Yeah.

00:49:45She's, uh...

00:49:46Emma, this is my guest.

00:49:49Yes.

00:49:49Hello, family.

00:49:51That was not supposed to be here with me today.

00:49:53We have a little accident at the house.

00:49:55Is everything okay here?

00:49:55Yeah.

00:49:56Is everything okay here?

00:49:57You're in a little.

00:49:58You're in a little.

00:49:59She's.

00:49:59Everything is fine.

00:50:01Everything is fine.

00:50:02Come on.

00:50:02We're going to go have some dinner and our bellies will be full.

00:50:06A surprise will be on our way.

00:50:07Let's, you know, let's make the most of it, the best of it.

00:50:11Right?

00:50:12The best of it.

00:50:13Hey, Mom, can I grab a key for me and Haley to grab a key?

00:50:15Yes.

00:50:16Go ahead.

00:50:16Okay.

00:50:16You good here?

00:50:17Yeah.

00:50:17I'm great here.

00:50:18Okay.

00:50:18I'm looking at you.

00:50:25I'm looking at you.

00:50:26You know, um, today was supposed to be a really important day.

00:50:34Yeah.

00:50:35How was I supposed to know that?

00:50:37Why exactly are you here?

00:50:38Because I like Lauren's family.

00:50:40What?

00:50:41You like Lauren.

00:50:42Okay.

00:50:43All right.

00:50:44All right.

00:50:44Look, you're frustrated because her family welcomed me with open arms.

00:50:49No, no.

00:50:51I'm frustrated because you've managed to hijack the entire day.

00:50:55They think you guys are a couple.

00:50:57Uh, that's not my fault.

00:50:59You and Lauren are never going to be a couple.

00:51:02Okay?

00:51:02I hope you realize that.

00:51:06Okay.

00:51:09You guys have been dating for six months, right?

00:51:14We've been living together for three years.

00:51:15Guess who knows Lauren better?

00:51:23How the hell did Mike start that fire?

00:51:25Smoking pot.

00:51:26Where do you get the weed?

00:51:27Probably dealing again.

00:51:29I didn't realize he was selling ever.

00:51:31Hell yeah.

00:51:32Interesting.

00:51:33Interesting.

00:51:34Failed at it, of course.

00:51:36Probably failed at it again.

00:51:37Yeah.

00:51:38They're ripping off the flowers again.

00:51:40Who?

00:51:40Holy fuck!

00:51:44Johnny, stop pretending to help.

00:51:46You can actually help.

00:51:46Well, it's heavier than it looks.

00:51:47Okay, I'm putting the spinach dip right here.

00:51:50Okay, that's been a great day.

00:51:51Can you get a hand just because you don't have anything else?

00:51:53You don't want to have the spinach dip.

00:51:56Spinach dip.

00:51:57I don't want to have the spinach dip, right?

00:52:00Here, let me help you.

00:52:02In case anybody's, uh, is interested in spinach, I use organic spinach.

00:52:06Whatever I need to do here, relax if you want, or...

00:52:12Oh.

00:52:21George?

00:52:22Hey!

00:52:22Watch the damn turkey video.

00:52:24Okay, I will watch the video.

00:52:26Now?

00:52:27Absolutely.

00:52:28Why wouldn't I?

00:52:29Close!

00:52:30Somebody's calling.

00:52:31Do you mind closing the door, honey?

00:52:33Okay.

00:52:42Yeah.

00:52:42Uh-huh.

00:52:45Your brother and his friend.

00:52:47I know, I know.

00:52:48What the hell is going on here?

00:52:49Let me call the police.

00:52:51I got this.

00:52:52I can't call the cops on Mikey.

00:52:54That's why you're gonna let me call the cops on him.

00:52:57Okay?

00:52:58Okay.

00:52:59Yeah, you can do it!

00:53:00Just come inside and just act more...

00:53:05I am not going inside.

00:53:06Are you out of your mind?

00:53:07Please come inside.

00:53:09Please come inside.

00:53:10Do you want to get this done?

00:53:11Oh, my...

00:53:12You want to get this done?

00:53:13Yes.

00:53:13Want to be a professional?

00:53:14Let's go inside.

00:53:15Do you want to be a professional?

00:53:16I am a professional.

00:53:17Oh, my God!

00:53:17You're the absolute worst.

00:53:19I've been a professional for a while.

00:53:20Oh, yo, yo, you're so professional.

00:53:22We can stay in here tonight.

00:53:24Shouldn't we be sleeping in separate beds?

00:53:28Bye.

00:53:28Lauren, okay, I think Coco Mike's dating a gay lady.

00:53:35Yeah, I know a lesbian when I see one.

00:53:37Hi, Ailey.

00:53:38Hey.

00:53:39What are you doing?

00:53:39What are you guys doing?

00:53:40Okay, bye.

00:53:43Impeccable gaydar, that one.

00:53:45Spot on.

00:53:45I'm glad there's so many love connections happening.

00:53:48I know, and my whole family will know about this one.

00:53:51We'll be laughing about this someday.

00:53:54Sure.

00:53:54It's nice to have a moment away from my family.

00:54:01I was really excited to meet them today.

00:54:04I know.

00:54:07They're gonna love you.

00:54:09I'm sorry, I didn't go as planned.

00:54:11It just doesn't feel good enough to be worth talking about.

00:54:22Of course you're worth talking about.

00:54:25I know.

00:54:27I adore you.

00:54:28Hey, Dad.

00:54:42Hey.

00:54:43I really need to talk to you.

00:54:45Yeah, you and Austin are not sharing a room.

00:54:47That's not happening.

00:54:48I don't want to share a room with Austin.

00:54:51It's the first Thanksgiving without Papa.

00:54:53Uh-huh.

00:54:53It's really important that we make this a nice dinner for Mom.

00:54:57There's something I have to talk to you both about.

00:54:59Oh, yeah?

00:55:00What's up?

00:55:02Haley and I...

00:55:03I mean, you're right about your mom.

00:55:04She's not having it.

00:55:06Easy go of it.

00:55:08Papa passing.

00:55:09This place.

00:55:13Mike.

00:55:15She's sad.

00:55:18She misses you.

00:55:20You guys were so close, you know?

00:55:22We're still close, Dad.

00:55:24You wanted to tell me something?

00:55:28We'll just have a really nice Thanksgiving dinner.

00:55:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:32It starts with carving, apparently.

00:55:34I mean, just watch the video.

00:55:35Is it just YouTube carving?

00:55:37YouTube comma carving?

00:55:39Turkey video carving in the Internet will lead you right there.

00:55:44Right there.

00:55:46This was supposed to be an easy merchandise move.

00:55:49And now you're asking me to pretend to be your girlfriend.

00:55:51Just relax, Emma.

00:55:52Everybody's going to be eating.

00:55:54You can do your business.

00:55:55Yeah, I hope I can do my business, okay?

00:55:57Then we're not even supposed to be here, okay?

00:55:59You don't mess with the cartel.

00:56:01Okay.

00:56:01And that's another thing about the cartel.

00:56:03I should be part of this cartel.

00:56:05Hey, guys.

00:56:05I've been wanting...

00:56:06What are you guys doing out here?

00:56:08Not much.

00:56:09Nature.

00:56:10Question.

00:56:12You carrying?

00:56:13What?

00:56:14You know.

00:56:16Hey.

00:56:17Oh, man.

00:56:18I don't even know what you're talking about.

00:56:20Come on, Mike.

00:56:22Yes.

00:56:23Hi.

00:56:23He is selling.

00:56:25Dude, this is my sister's husband's brother.

00:56:29I don't care who it is.

00:56:30We have merchandise to move.

00:56:32How much are you looking for?

00:56:36Joint.

00:56:38Now you're just wasting our time.

00:56:40Oh, mom's stuffing is so good.

00:56:43Thank you, sweetie.

00:56:43So, uh, Hayley, how strict a vegetarian would you say that you are?

00:56:47Hey, John.

00:56:48We're exclusively vegetarian.

00:56:50I mean, can she handle, like, a little sausage?

00:56:52Come on.

00:56:54What the hell's the matter with you?

00:56:55I just want her to taste mom's stuffing.

00:56:57So she puts little sausages in it.

00:56:58I don't even know whether to accept that is what that is, but it's the grimmest shirt I ever saw in my life that you're wearing.

00:57:05Grandpa, I couldn't agree more.

00:57:06That's the ugliest sweater I've ever seen.

00:57:08Well, truthfully, I don't love it either, but mom picked it out, and she, um, is great.

00:57:14So, Hayley, I'm a good man with a good soul.

00:57:18There's a good chance I'm going to murder you this Thanksgiving, John.

00:57:21Yeah, well, I took out a hell of a life insurance policy on myself, so you could make me a very rich man.

00:57:28What are you doing?

00:57:36Nothing.

00:57:37Mike sold me some weed.

00:57:39Oh, my God, we have a teenage daughter in there, and you're out here doing drugs?

00:57:43Barely. Come on.

00:57:44Look, there's a shit ton of weed.

00:57:46Honey, they don't sell it like they used to.

00:57:48And you plan on smoking all of that?

00:57:50I don't know.

00:57:52My girlfriend scared the shit out of me.

00:57:57How are you feeling?

00:57:58Better.

00:58:00Well, get back inside.

00:58:03Before you get us all arrested.

00:58:09What the hell?

00:58:11Can you help with the chair?

00:58:13I don't know.

00:58:14I got it.

00:58:15Why didn't they call that guy?

00:58:16What's your story?

00:58:17I thought that's what this meant.

00:58:19Ah, complicated.

00:58:20Yeah, I had this rubric skew when I was little.

00:58:22I was able to get all the blues.

00:58:24I can't.

00:58:25God, stop it.

00:58:26Hey, what you got there, Josephine?

00:58:28Digestive enzymes.

00:58:29Shut up.

00:58:30Hmm.

00:58:31Nice.

00:58:31A lot of food to digest today.

00:58:35As well as new information.

00:58:37Okay.

00:58:38What kind of information?

00:58:39Uh-oh, look what I found.

00:58:42What?

00:58:42Look what I found.

00:58:43Oh!

00:58:44It's a spinach dip.

00:58:45Somebody has to talk into it.

00:58:46There is a guy.

00:58:47Oh, it's something.

00:58:48Oh, hi.

00:58:50Hmm.

00:58:51Perfect.

00:58:52Happy Thanksgiving.

00:58:55Can you move, Johnny?

00:58:56Don't worry about dropping it.

00:58:58It's dead.

00:58:58There we go.

00:59:00All we need to do is carve it.

00:59:03It just needs to be carved.

00:59:04And then we're good.

00:59:06We're all good.

00:59:06Rose, that turkey looks like ass.

00:59:09Old ass.

00:59:10You look like old ass.

00:59:11Mikey, would you please come into the kitchen, please?

00:59:14Yeah, I'll stay here.

00:59:15I think I'll grab you.

00:59:20Ow!

00:59:20You tell me what's going on.

00:59:21Great, Eureka, my good shirt!

00:59:22You tell me what's going on, or I am calling the cops.

00:59:25Sure, she's my girlfriend, and I love her.

00:59:28You love her?

00:59:28Yeah.

00:59:30What's going on?

00:59:32Nothing's going on.

00:59:33Nothing.

00:59:34Nothing.

00:59:35Ow!

00:59:36Broke my rib or my ass or something.

00:59:40Anyway, Haley, I thought I could make you a plate.

00:59:42I know you don't normally eat a lot of meat.

00:59:44I'm an immovable wall.

00:59:45I'm going to eat the turkey.

00:59:47Okay, you're making this very awkward.

00:59:49Oh, my God.

00:59:50Today might be the day I try something new.

00:59:52See?

00:59:53She might want, you know,

00:59:55a breast or a thigh or...

00:59:57She does not want any turkey.

00:59:58No, he's right, Lauren.

00:59:59I'd usually go for a big hunk of breast,

01:00:01but maybe today I'd like a juicy drumstick.

01:00:04It sucks.

01:00:05Okay, so you're going to have to move while I make you a plate

01:00:07because it's feeling very sexual,

01:00:09and you need to do this for me.

01:00:10Because you're the best spinach dip maker in the world.

01:00:13Button push.

01:00:14Jesus Christ, what have we got here?

01:00:16I'm going to go cool off.

01:00:17I'm going to do my tens where I count to ten in the other room.

01:00:19Yes.

01:00:19And you need to grow up while I'm gone, okay?

01:00:22Because I can't deal with your childish behavior.

01:00:24I'm sorry about her.

01:00:25It's okay, John.

01:00:26Thank you for being so understanding.

01:00:28I like it.

01:00:29I know, but...

01:00:30I love you, and I love this baby.

01:00:31Mmm.

01:00:32Don't worry.

01:00:33Which do you love more?

01:00:34Happy Thanksgiving.

01:00:35Mmm.

01:00:36Do you like these chips?

01:00:38I don't know if I want...

01:00:39What?

01:00:41Are you drinking?

01:00:44Mom, it's a holiday.

01:00:45No!

01:00:47Dad, seriously?

01:00:51Not happening.

01:00:52Get an edge off.

01:00:53No!

01:00:54The edge off of what?

01:00:56Between the breast and the drumstick,

01:00:59cut through the skeins,

01:01:00gently but firmly pull the drumstick and pie away from the breast.

01:01:05Uh, okay.

01:01:07Why is she carving my turkey?

01:01:10Put, put, put the skin down.

01:01:12Put the skin back.

01:01:14I'll put the skin down.

01:01:15I got it.

01:01:16Why does the turkey need a blanket?

01:01:17It's dead.

01:01:18It's more than a blanket.

01:01:19It's tasty, tasty.

01:01:20It's terrible for cholesterol.

01:01:21The skin is the best part, Joe.

01:01:23Austin's turkey also if we need it.

01:01:25Are you kidding me?

01:01:26No, Dad.

01:01:27What's happening?

01:01:28Are you kidding me?

01:01:28All right.

01:01:29Is everybody happy?

01:01:30I carved that turkey.

01:01:32Okay.

01:01:32The turkey that I, that I have been cooking all day.

01:01:35That smells so disgusting.

01:01:36There we go.

01:01:37No offense, Austin.

01:01:39No, none, none taken.

01:01:40The turkey looks perfect.

01:01:42Sit down.

01:01:42I'm gonna cut the turkey now.

01:01:43Wait a second.

01:01:44We forgot Grace.

01:01:45Oh, boy.

01:01:46Okay.

01:01:47Ow.

01:01:47Oh, yeah, Grace.

01:01:49Oh.

01:01:49You want to do it?

01:01:51Oh.

01:01:52Um, I can get this.

01:01:53Austin should lead Grace.

01:01:55Yeah.

01:01:56No.

01:01:56I got it.

01:01:57I got it.

01:01:59Somebody say Grace.

01:01:59That's more fighting over Grace than any Grace I ever knew.

01:02:02Okay.

01:02:03Uh, well, first of all, thank you for cooking this beautiful dinner.

01:02:08You're welcome.

01:02:10Thanksgiving's all about thanks and truth.

01:02:14Amen.

01:02:14And forgiveness.

01:02:16Giving.

01:02:17And not groping your sister's friend, John.

01:02:19But mostly, it's about coming home and coming out about things.

01:02:25Oh, holy shit.

01:02:27What?

01:02:29You all right?

01:02:29Are you okay?

01:02:31Come on.

01:02:32You can do it.

01:02:34Okay.

01:02:36Uh, uh, Mom?

01:02:41Is there something you want to say, sweetie?

01:02:45Lauren.

01:02:47Uh, we, we need wine.

01:02:49Do you want wine?

01:02:50Do you want more wine?

01:02:51I, uh, we're out of wine.

01:02:53This table needs more wine.

01:02:54Who wants, who wants wine?

01:02:55I need some wine.

01:02:56Yeah, sure, more wine.

01:02:57I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna get a bottle.

01:02:58I'm just gonna get some wine.

01:02:59And I'll be right back.

01:03:00Grandma wants red.

01:03:04Okay.

01:03:05What a lunatic.

01:03:06We keep holding hands.

01:03:08Nah, eat up.

01:03:09There's no reason to wait now.

01:03:10It gives me the worst, Grace.

01:03:13I mean, that was the worst.

01:03:15Was that not terrible?

01:03:16Yeah.

01:03:16I mean, you guys might.

01:03:18Well, I'm covering the turkey neck.

01:03:19I have more, so.

01:03:23Lauren.

01:03:26Okay, so.

01:03:27You and Haley, you're dating, aren't you?

01:03:33Oh, my God.

01:03:34Thank God.

01:03:35Yes, yes.

01:03:36Please go tell everyone.

01:03:38Uh, yeah, no.

01:03:39Your mother would freak out if she wasn't the first person to know.

01:03:41Yeah, yeah.

01:03:42Oh, my God.

01:03:43Maggie, thank you so much for being cool enough to put two and two together.

01:03:47Okay, um, stay here.

01:03:48I'm gonna go get Jessica so you can tell her.

01:03:50Oh, wait, wait, wait.

01:03:50I have to tell my mom before I start telling everyone else.

01:03:53Oh, yeah, no, I mean about the part about me being cool.

01:03:55Oh, I promise I will tell her how cool you are after.

01:03:59Okay, good.

01:04:00And, um, what exactly is scissoring?

01:04:04Because I can touch my toes, but I can't do the splits.

01:04:07Oh, um, maybe we revisit this after dessert?

01:04:12I gotta do the splits, don't I?

01:04:14Oh, God damn it.

01:04:15Oh, hey, sorry.

01:04:23I was just washing my hands.

01:04:26She really locked the door.

01:04:28Unless you're looking for some company.

01:04:32Yeah, no, not looking for any company.

01:04:34No company needed.

01:04:35I was just using the bathroom.

01:04:38What are you doing?

01:04:39Uh, looking for wine?

01:04:40You're hiding.

01:04:41No, I'm not.

01:04:41Oh, you're on the one side to the wall.

01:04:43Oh, you don't.

01:04:44Do you want to have sex right now?

01:04:46What?

01:04:46It's what you like, right?

01:04:47It makes you hot keeping it a secret.

01:04:49I don't like this version of you.

01:04:50I don't like this version of you.

01:04:53You are just so concerned about everyone else's feelings.

01:04:57What about mine?

01:04:59Hmm?

01:05:00What about my feelings?

01:05:05Oh, fine.

01:05:07Come on.

01:05:08You're really young, okay?

01:05:11And these are your formative years,

01:05:12and you're going to be a crazy heartbreaker,

01:05:14but I am way too old for you.

01:05:16Can you put your shirt back on?

01:05:17This turkey tastes so good.

01:05:18This is really good.

01:05:19No, no, no.

01:05:20It tastes like so good.

01:05:21Uh, Mom?

01:05:22Whoa, what took so long?

01:05:23Dipping into the side dish

01:05:24while we're all sitting here

01:05:26waiting for the main course.

01:05:28No.

01:05:28Mom, I wanted to tell you, uh...

01:05:30Lauren, you didn't even remember the wine.

01:05:32That was the whole point.

01:05:33Haley, you can have mine, I guess.

01:05:35John, let me talk for two seconds.

01:05:36Mom, thank you so much

01:05:37for putting all this food together.

01:05:39Um, I cannot be more grateful.

01:05:42I could not be more grateful

01:05:44to be able to spend Thanksgiving

01:05:46with all of you

01:05:46and be able to talk to you all

01:05:50so openly about, like, life

01:05:53and gather and just...

01:05:54And I have an announcement

01:05:55to make everyone.

01:05:57Don't...

01:05:57Don't do this like this.

01:05:59This is not what...

01:06:01Whoa.

01:06:03I'm going to...

01:06:05It's just French living.

01:06:07Let's see what happens.

01:06:08What?

01:06:10No, it's not what it...

01:06:11It's not what it looks like!

01:06:12No!

01:06:13No, that's it!

01:06:13She kissed me!

01:06:15Stop it!

01:06:16Stop it!

01:06:16She kissed me!

01:06:18She kissed me!

01:06:18I kissed him all the doors!

01:06:20You son of a bitch!

01:06:22Oh, my baby!

01:06:24Grounded!

01:06:25Kiss me!

01:06:26I thought it wasn't a dog!

01:06:28No!

01:06:29I didn't want to eat you!

01:06:30Never stop!

01:06:33It's a nut!

01:06:34You never know!

01:06:35Stop!

01:06:35No!

01:06:36No!

01:06:36That's my potatoes!

01:06:37You hate my potatoes!

01:06:40My potatoes are the best!

01:06:42Guys, guys, guys, guys!

01:06:43That was my spinach dip.

01:06:47Yeah.

01:06:48Come on!

01:06:50What are you doing?

01:06:51Hayley and I are in a relationship.

01:06:54Wait, what?

01:06:55What?

01:06:55Knew it.

01:07:02She's pretty, the little girl.

01:07:05You're a lesbian.

01:07:09A lesbian, Hare Krishna.

01:07:12What about Austin?

01:07:14There is no me in Austin!

01:07:16Austin said you guys had sex.

01:07:20You slept with Austin?

01:07:22Sorry to interrupt, but there are two men unloading what seems to be a whole lot of weed

01:07:29from the van.

01:07:35I'm sorry.

01:07:39Hey!

01:07:40Hey, you guys!

01:07:42What are you doing with my brother's girlfriend's truck?

01:07:45Girlfriend?

01:07:47Emma, I'm so happy for you.

01:07:49I love dating.

01:07:50Where the hell are you?

01:07:51We're the cartel.

01:07:52Wait, this is the cartel?

01:07:53I'm Bubba.

01:07:54Cartel.

01:07:55Gino.

01:07:56Yeah, I'm calling the cops.

01:07:57No, no, no, no, no.

01:07:57We can't call the cops because we're accomplices.

01:08:00Oh, yeah.

01:08:00Hey, this is your weed.

01:08:01My parents do drugs.

01:08:02You do drugs.

01:08:03Wait, wait, wait.

01:08:04Wait, wait, wait.

01:08:04All right, all right.

01:08:05I'm going to pull a sword on me.

01:08:06Your brother owes us money.

01:08:08Take my brother.

01:08:09Well, you can't let him take me.

01:08:10No, you are not joining our cartel.

01:08:12You are firing me.

01:08:13You can't fire me.

01:08:14Okay, you are cut off.

01:08:15Oh, come on.

01:08:16I'm sorry, I'll kill him.

01:08:17Seriously?

01:08:17Absolutely.

01:08:18You've got to make this go away.

01:08:19I don't know.

01:08:19You've got to make it go away, my guy.

01:08:21I'm trying to come out of the goddamn closet here, people.

01:08:26Jesus.

01:08:27What is happening?

01:08:29Hallie.

01:08:29Get out of here.

01:08:31Get out of here.

01:08:33Get out of here.

01:08:37That was my turkey.

01:08:40It wasn't him.

01:08:41All right.

01:08:42All right.

01:08:43Well, does this mean there's no dessert?

01:08:47Hallie?

01:08:48Hallie?

01:08:49Hallie, open the door, please.

01:08:50I'm leaving.

01:08:51I don't want to talk to you.

01:08:52Hallie, please open the door.

01:08:55Hallie, come on.

01:08:56Open the door.

01:08:56Go away, Lauren.

01:09:03Why would you tell my dad we slept together?

01:09:05I knew.

01:09:06You know, this is the worst day of my life.

01:09:07Why didn't you tell your family about Hallie?

01:09:09I did.

01:09:09I've been trying.

01:09:09Before today, before she came, before I came.

01:09:12I didn't know you were coming.

01:09:13You know what I'm talking about.

01:09:14I wanted to make sure it was serious.

01:09:18You wanted to make sure it was serious?

01:09:19I have watched you dive headfirst into over a hundred different phases over the last three years.

01:09:24You remember when you were into aerobic pole dancing?

01:09:26It's kind of that same vein.

01:09:27You know what I mean?

01:09:28Don't compare Hallie to a fitness class, Austin.

01:09:30That is not fair.

01:09:31I'm sorry.

01:09:32I'm sorry.

01:09:32It's not fair.

01:09:33I'm sorry.

01:09:34I'm sorry.

01:09:34I don't know what to do.

01:09:35I don't know what to do here.

01:09:38I mean, it wasn't so bad to be in a relationship for a day, right?

01:09:41I just need to clear my head.

01:09:43You're avoiding my question.

01:09:45What question?

01:09:46It wasn't so bad being in a relationship for a day.

01:09:49I mean, we lived together for three years.

01:09:50It always felt like we were in a relationship.

01:09:53Austin, what are you doing?

01:09:55What are you doing?

01:09:56You know me better than anyone.

01:09:59And I know you better than anyone.

01:10:02No.

01:10:03No.

01:10:07Stop.

01:10:08No.

01:10:08You had sex with Austin.

01:10:18It was way before you and me.

01:10:20You should have told me.

01:10:22What good would that have done?

01:10:24You know, I always said your friendship was...

01:10:27You just made me feel like I was crazy.

01:10:29I didn't want you to worry about anything happening.

01:10:32You just kissed him.

01:10:33He kissed me.

01:10:34You let it happen.

01:10:36You know, I feel like such an asshole.

01:10:40Here I am to meet your parents and you two are just parading around like a couple with a secret.

01:10:46It's not like that.

01:10:47I love you.

01:10:48I love you.

01:10:51It's a really shitty time to say it for the first time.

01:10:55I can't trust you.

01:10:59But I do love...

01:11:01I love you.

01:11:02You're the one I love.

01:11:03It's not him.

01:11:04Come on.

01:11:05This entire day, my family wouldn't listen to me.

01:11:10They are not the problem.

01:11:14You are the problem.

01:11:15I...

01:11:16You...

01:11:16Just stop.

01:11:18Just stop.

01:11:19Just stop.

01:11:20You have no idea what you want.

01:11:22I don't want to be gay, Haley.

01:11:25Nobody wants this.

01:11:29Nobody wants...

01:11:30I'm sorry.

01:11:34I'm sorry.

01:11:39Finally, I have some honesty.

01:11:46I just can't do this anymore.

01:11:55Where's Haley going?

01:12:01She's leaving because of you.

01:12:02I hope you're happy.

01:12:04Of course I'm not happy.

01:12:06Why didn't you just tell us?

01:12:08Mom, you don't listen to me!

01:12:10You need to be more clear.

01:12:12I had no idea.

01:12:14I knew you were not going to accept this.

01:12:16I didn't know I had to.

01:12:18Just leave me alone.

01:12:19No, leave me alone.

01:12:20Just leave me alone.

01:12:22No, no.

01:12:23Leave her alone.

01:12:27She's so angry with us.

01:12:28She's like...

01:12:29Not at us.

01:12:30Completely...

01:12:30Not at us.

01:12:31Oh, my God.

01:12:32She's angry.

01:12:33Yes.

01:12:34She's hurt.

01:12:36Is she going to be okay?

01:12:37She is going to be okay.

01:12:38It's just going to take a little while.

01:12:40Women are nicer than men.

01:12:41She follows her heart.

01:12:50She's always followed her heart.

01:12:52That's all she's doing now.

01:12:54Oh, boy.

01:12:55Oh, boy.

01:12:57Are we bad parents?

01:13:00We're...

01:13:00Not terrible.

01:13:05We're not great.

01:13:05We're...

01:13:06Well...

01:13:07Fair.

01:13:08Trust me.

01:13:14Everything's going to be okay.

01:13:17I promise.

01:13:18Pack yourself a deep fresh deal, pack yourself a favorite block, take a withdraw slip, take

01:13:46all of your savings out, cause if we don't leave this town, we might never make it out.

01:13:56I was not born and drowned.

01:14:00Baby, come on.

01:14:01Forget what Father Brennan said, you were not born and sin, leave a note on your bed, let your mother know you're safe, and by the time she wakes, we'll have driven through the state, we'll have driven through the night.

01:14:31Baby, come on.

01:14:47Coffee.

01:14:56How are you feeling?

01:14:58I know this is not the life you imagined for me.

01:15:05Right.

01:15:08I don't think this is the life you imagined for yourself.

01:15:13I'm sorry that I didn't know I'm sorry.

01:15:19It's okay.

01:15:24I just thought Mike was the only one dating a lesbian.

01:15:32Mom, who knew you were funny?

01:15:34I know, I'm very, I'm very funny.

01:15:41You're okay with it?

01:15:42Oh my God, yes, yes, of course I'm okay with it.

01:15:46I mean, I need to sort of adjust my idea.

01:15:53Life never goes the way you expected, that's all.

01:15:58But you're, yeah, you're, you're good.

01:16:10Is it okay if I ask you a question?

01:16:13What's the question?

01:16:14Is this your first time with a girl?

01:16:21Oh, I slept with Elizabeth.

01:16:27Yeah.

01:16:28Which Elizabeth?

01:16:29A bunch more.

01:16:30Which Elizabeth?

01:16:31College roommate, college roommate.

01:16:32Oh my God.

01:16:33She's a little mouse.

01:16:35So much.

01:16:36Wow.

01:16:37She had hidden depths.

01:16:39Yeah.

01:16:40Can I ask you one more question?

01:16:42Oh God, what?

01:16:43Did you always know that you were gay?

01:16:45I just thought I was really open.

01:16:51Oh good, someone's at the door.

01:16:54Yay.

01:16:55How are you, honey?

01:16:56Hi.

01:16:57Um, Ronnie said you were here.

01:16:58Yes.

01:16:59Um, here.

01:17:00Uh, my, my daughter brought me the money.

01:17:01Well, I'm very happy to hear that.

01:17:02Okay, you have a good morning.

01:17:08Thank you for that.

01:17:09Do you want to get some fresh air?

01:17:10I would love to.

01:17:11You know, um, my, my roommate in college was a lesbian.

01:17:13Did I ever tell you that?

01:17:14No.

01:17:15Mm-hmm.

01:17:16She told me I wasn't her type.

01:17:19I was so into her.

01:17:20She told me I wasn't her type.

01:17:23I was so into her.

01:17:24She told me I wasn't her type.

01:17:26She told me I wasn't her type.

01:17:29She told me I wasn't her type.

01:17:32I was so insulted.

01:17:35I don't, I don't even know what to do with that information.

01:17:39So, um, do you, do you, um, like having sex with men?

01:17:46I'm just trying to understand.

01:17:48Don't get mad.

01:17:49No, no, no, Matt.

01:17:50Um, no, I just prefer women.

01:17:54It, it just clicks with women.

01:17:57It never clicked that way with men.

01:18:00Why didn't you tell me?

01:18:05I think it was easier thinking.

01:18:09I, I think I was so worried that, that you guys wouldn't be okay with it.

01:18:17That I never stopped to think if I was.

01:18:20Oh, it's okay.

01:18:21The parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.

01:18:33I'm happy.

01:18:34I'm happy.

01:18:35I'm happy.

01:18:36I am.

01:18:37I'm happy.

01:18:38I'm just figuring stuff out.

01:18:39I know, I know.

01:18:40Thank you, Mom.

01:18:41You're so welcome.

01:18:42Hailey doesn't hate you.

01:18:43Hailey hates me.

01:18:44She does not hate you.

01:18:45She hates me.

01:18:46She does not hate you.

01:18:47She does not hate you.

01:18:48She's hurt.

01:18:49She does.

01:18:50And we like her, just so you know.

01:18:51But you're the one, you're the one that has to be okay with it, not us.

01:18:53I would do anything in the whole world for you, you know that, right?

01:19:08Good.

01:19:10This coffee is disgusting.

01:19:11I know.

01:19:12It's so gross.

01:19:13It's Ronnie's special for you.

01:19:15It's not special, it's not special.

01:19:16That's.

01:19:17It's not the special.

01:19:18Oh.

01:19:19I thought we thought.

01:19:20You know that.

01:19:21That's not special.

01:19:23It's so bad.

01:19:38Hey.

01:19:39Hey.

01:19:46You didn't say goodbye this morning.

01:19:48Yeah, I thought I'd give you some more time with your parents.

01:19:51Grandma took all of your smoked turkey leftovers.

01:19:54I'm glad she liked it.

01:19:56I promised her that I was going to send her another one next year.

01:20:00I'm going to move out.

01:20:08I'm sorry about yesterday.

01:20:12Austin, the entire day was my fault.

01:20:14I'm talking about the kiss.

01:20:16I know. It's okay.

01:20:17I mean, I guess...

01:20:18I didn't realize how serious you and Hayley were.

01:20:27Yeah.

01:20:30I love her. I don't...

01:20:33I should have told her sooner.

01:20:36Yeah, well, you should have told everyone.

01:20:37I should have told everyone.

01:20:41I should have told everyone so much sooner.

01:20:45You're my best friend, Austin.

01:20:49If it was going to be a guy...

01:20:52It would have been you.

01:20:53I was clean.

01:21:02I was clean, you're Patrick.

01:21:04I was young and an actress.

01:21:07When you knelt up by my mattress and asked for my hand.

01:21:13Yeah.

01:21:14And I left the footprints.

01:21:23Let me stay, no coffee.

01:21:26It ordered like my heart did when you left town.

01:21:32But I was laid for this.

01:21:34Laid for that.

01:21:36Laid for the love of my life.

01:21:38And when I die alone, when I die alone, die, I'll be your time.

01:21:52And while the church discouraged, any lust would burn within me.

01:21:59Yes, my flesh, it was my currency, but I have true.

01:22:06But I was laid for this.

01:22:08Laid for that.

01:22:10Laid for the love of my life.

01:22:12And when I die alone, when I die alone, die, I'll be your time.

01:22:20I was clean, you're my truck.

01:22:23I was taller than the rafters.

01:22:26But I saw it in the past, love gone with the wind.

01:22:33And now I know, in white shoes,

01:22:36it leads me back to my castle.

01:22:37So often in this cluster, we come up against this fear.

01:22:40And in love, too, it's fear that often gets in the way of its magic.

01:22:44I'm sorry.

01:22:45Wait, class started an hour ago.

01:22:47I'm sorry to you, too.

01:22:50I need to talk to you.

01:22:51What are you doing here?

01:22:53You deserve flowers.

01:22:56I want to be the one that gives you flowers.

01:23:02I was wrong.

01:23:03I'm sorry.

01:23:04This is all new and scary, and it's wonderful and exciting, but it's scary.

01:23:10And that thing with Austin, I'm so sorry.

01:23:12I should have told you.

01:23:14But I love you.

01:23:15I'm in love with you.

01:23:16This is not how I saw my life.

01:23:19But it's so much better than anything I could have imagined.

01:23:24And I want to be with you.

01:23:27You'll take me back.

01:23:28Mom.

01:23:29Mom.

01:23:33Is that a yes?

01:23:34Yes.

01:23:36I have something I want to ask you.

01:23:37Oh, no.

01:23:40I just feel really bad on the spot.

01:23:44Will you move in with me?

01:23:47Yes.

01:23:48Yes?

01:23:49Of course.

01:23:49I love you.

01:24:01I love you, too.

01:24:03Hey.

01:24:05I'm the best version of myself with you.

01:24:11When are you planning to tell your parents we're moving in?

01:24:13Oh, I was thinking Christmas.

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