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Gaymer Series
  • 7/7/2025
EastSiders Gay Theme TV Series

Drama, Romance, Comedy, Action, Fantasy, Crime, Thriller

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Transcript
00:01Have you decided what you're gonna do?
00:03I don't know.
00:04I mean, it's kind of a crazy opportunity
00:06to always talk about New York when we were in school,
00:09when we actually talked.
00:11You were gonna be the toast at Chelsea,
00:13and I was gonna play at coffee shops
00:15and be discovered like Jewel or somebody.
00:17All right, we talked a lot.
00:19Weren't we gonna start a band or something?
00:21We were gonna be Robert Mapplethorpe and Patti Smith,
00:25just you and me, except no sex, incest.
00:28Plus, you're gayer than Mapplethorpe, if that's possible.
00:32And I never learned how to play the acoustic guitar.
00:35I do still occasionally photograph penises.
00:38Well, you have to dream, you know?
00:41If you're gonna accomplish anything.
00:43If you're gonna get out of bed in the morning.
00:46Just getting out of bed in the morning?
00:48Mmm, yes.
00:54And when are you gonna tell him?
00:56Well, just to figure out what I'm actually gonna do,
01:00I'm gonna do it today.
01:02And please don't tell them for me.
01:04She peer pressured me, Calvin.
01:06Mom's incredibly sneaky.
01:08She keeps sending me articles about polyamory.
01:10How sweet.
01:12Is it?
01:13I mean, I've been reading about Compersion online.
01:15God, shut up.
01:17Okay, we're not on a compound in Utah, all right?
01:20We're not polyamorous.
01:22Well, what would you call it?
01:24I don't know what it's all about.
01:26Oh.
01:28Hey, Tom!
01:30You guys ready to walk to the beach?
01:32After we finish your project?
01:34Can we stop at the music store on the way?
01:38Yes!
01:40No.
01:42No.
01:43Why not?
01:50So nice, not having to work brunch.
01:52Oh, relax.
01:53Shh!
01:54I'm listening to the guitar.
01:56So pretty.
01:57Hi!
01:58I'm here.
01:59I'm alone.
02:00I'm not with Douglas.
02:01Douglas is not here, because apparently we're fighting.
02:02Because apparently I'm a transphobic asshole who, what?
02:04Wanted some pictures of us in suits so I could show it to my mom.
02:07Just to prove that, you know, one day I might get gay married.
02:09Not that Douglas is actually trans, and not that I actually want to get gay married.
02:12Although I would not turn down the registry.
02:13Hi, how's everyone doing?
02:14Two hours late.
02:15Two hours late?
02:16Am I?
02:17For brunch?
02:18What time does brunch start?
02:19One, two, three, four.
02:20There are no rules.
02:21Move over.
02:22Let's go over.
02:23Ugh.
02:24Oh, I love being homeless.
02:25Let's do yoga.
02:26Let's do something productive.
02:27Let's do nothing.
02:28Oh, you're so funny!
02:30Touching my face.
02:31You don't always have to be.
02:33Mm-hmm.
02:34I want to thank you for that.
02:38You brought a guitar.
02:40I swear to God, I don't know where she got it.
02:43Don't worry, I don't know how to play it yet.
02:45But I will.
02:46Do you think I'm crazy, because I want photographic proof that we're normal people?
02:50Are you, though?
02:52Cal, your sister's hate-criming me.
02:54Wait, what's happening?
02:55Uh, Quincy wants Douglas to perform masculinity.
02:57For Facebook.
02:58Ugh, everyone stop ganging up on me!
03:00Seriously, why do you want people to think you're normal?
03:02I mean, people have assumed I'm normal my entire life, and then they find out that I'm not, and they act like I tricked them or something.
03:08I mean, normal is a construct.
03:09It's just, it's this elaborate performance by boring people.
03:14You are far from normal.
03:16Don't perform normal, Quincy.
03:19You're so much more than normal.
03:23So I'm like a gay superhero?
03:25Yes!
03:26Yes!
03:27Thank you so much for your queer positivity, but really, now that I'm here, I'd like to just enjoy myself, maybe drink some of this coconut rum, if you don't mind, and act like we're not two days away from the beach.
03:37You fucking East Side Queens.
03:39Well, that is an excellent performance in masculinity.
03:42I have friends everywhere.
03:45Oh, I have hats for everyone.
03:48There we go, Loretta Devine.
03:50Oh, thank you.
03:51Tom Sawyer, Lady Pilgrim.
03:53I love that hat.
03:54Mimosas!
03:55Oh, God.
03:56Bless it.
03:57I'm so happy right now.
03:58I'm so happy.
03:59Cheers, yeah.
04:00You know, I'm glad we're so secure that we can sit around drinking mimosas, you know, like men.
04:14Wolf pack.
04:15Wolf!
04:16Wolf!
04:17No, don't do that.
04:18Yeah, it's just a bunch of straight guys.
04:22What?
04:23Why do you say things like that?
04:24That's horrible.
04:25Did you gentlemen happen to check out that sporting event last night?
04:29Really?
04:30No, we were at the Hollywood Bowl watching a Vita.
04:33Where the fuck are you?
04:34I had a date, actually.
04:36Well, not actually a date, but closest thing I've come to having a date.
04:39Uh-oh, are we talking blonde ambition or Asian sensation?
04:42That's possibly racist.
04:44Yeah, what do you mean possibly?
04:45Seriously.
04:46All is fair in loving the ladies, am I right?
04:49Oh, my God, I hate you.
04:51What?
04:52Yeah.
04:53But I mean, like, on a serious note, dude, you are, like, an idiot savant.
04:57I mean, how do you do it?
04:58I don't even know.
04:59I am just a piece of shit.
05:01That's the way that was like a blast.
05:03Is that the key?
05:04I wish that was a piece of shit.
05:06Hmm.
05:08Are you fucking kidding me?
05:11What?
05:12I gotta go.
05:13No.
05:14No.
05:15No, dude.
05:16No.
05:17You know what?
05:18If you're leaving, you gotta film the thing.
05:19Whoever it is, you film it.
05:21Film it.
05:22So we can all watch.
05:23Together.
05:24I'll see you later, guys.
05:26Come on.
05:27Titties!
05:28We got faith in you.
05:29We got faith in you.
05:30Get those titties.
05:31Get that ass.
05:32You're an asshole.
05:33No, it's good fun.
05:34I thought we were all assholes.
05:35I thought that's what this was all about.
05:40Where are you going?
05:41Out for a run.
05:42We're on the reservoir.
05:43But I'm making vegan quiche.
05:44I'll be back in an hour.
05:46Okay.
05:58Get up.
05:59Get dressed.
06:00We're going for a drive.
06:01I was napping.
06:02The sun is setting and I need emotional support.
06:13This is my first takeout.
06:17I feel like we should have binoculars and handguns or something.
06:20Shh, shh, shh, shh.
06:21Be quiet.
06:23Why?
06:25I don't know.
06:27I just want to, like, sit here in silence.
06:29I mean, I may be mourning the end of my relationship, okay?
06:32Oh, please.
06:33You don't really think that she's cheating.
06:34Fuck, that's her.
06:45So what now?
06:46We wait.
06:48For what?
06:49I don't know.
06:51For them to get naked.
07:01I don't think I can do this anymore.
07:02You're doing fine.
07:03Okay, but I mean, after this, this really has to be the last time.
07:06Why is that?
07:07You're using me.
07:08Yes.
07:09And?
07:10And I'm using you to avoid my feelings.
07:16I'm sorry.
07:17You're so fucking precious.
07:19I mean, that's usually the point of sex.
07:21Yeah, but it shouldn't be.
07:22It sucks.
07:23We're shitty people.
07:24So what if sex with you relaxes me?
07:26Relaxes me not to feel anything.
07:28And before you accuse me of being some sort of daiky Don Draper,
07:31just know that my wife and I basically have an understanding.
07:34You do?
07:35Yeah.
07:36I mean, it's none of your business, but we're basically
07:38don't ask, don't tell.
07:40I can do whatever I want with men so long as she doesn't find out
07:43because she knows there's basically zero chance of me
07:46ever developing any feelings.
07:49Can we please just get to sex?
07:50I only have half an hour.
07:52Oh, fine.
07:53Just stop talking.
07:54I'm gonna take this bitch out.
07:55Who is she?
07:56All right.
07:57Where is she?
07:58Ree!
07:59Who the hell is that?
08:00This is Ian.
08:01He's my friend.
08:02I'm sorry.
08:03She said she was allowed to.
08:04Oh, thank God.
08:05It's a dude.
08:06What?
08:07I don't understand.
08:08Stop talking.
08:09You're a sex toy.
08:10I'm gonna go.
08:11Okay.
08:12Bree!
08:13Wait.
08:14Bree?
08:15I thought you were cheating on me.
08:17Why would I cheat on you?
08:18I don't know.
08:19I feel like I don't even know you.
08:20Why wouldn't you just tell me?
08:21Because that's what we agreed to do.
08:22Yeah, like four years ago, and that didn't include lying.
08:25Why are you lying to me about it?
08:27We used to be interesting.
08:29We used to be passionate.
08:31We used to be spontaneous.
08:32I mean, I used to be an activist, and now I work at a law firm.
08:37And our subversive relationship is about to get recognized by the state.
08:41And you and I have not had sex in six months.
08:44And when are we supposed to?
08:47I mean, there's five people crammed in a two-bedroom house.
08:51Are you happy now?
08:54Now you know everything, and I have nothing for myself.
08:57Yeah.
08:59I'm supposed to know everything about you.
09:01Well, you do.
09:02I didn't know you were so unhappy.
09:04Well, how happy are you?
09:09I guess I'm not that happy.
09:12I'm sorry.
09:13It's okay.
09:15Let's just do something about it.
09:17Okay.
09:20Come on.
09:23How long exactly?
09:28Uh, I don't know.
09:30Um...
09:35A couple of times a week for the last month or so.
09:37Jesus, V.
09:40It's like a record for you.
09:41Are you straight now?
09:43Are you reenacting the plot till the kids are all right?
09:46Wait.
09:48Where are the kids?
09:50Are they all right?
09:52They're watching TV.
09:53What?
09:54Look, it's really hard being a single mom, just so you know.
09:56Well, yeah.
09:57I would like to spend a little bit more time with the kids, too.
09:59And I'd like to spend a lot less time at work.
10:01But I am the only one with a job that pays.
10:04Seems like you would find time to do that.
10:05You weren't going with him?
10:19I can walk home.
10:22Listen.
10:24I know what it's like being the other woman.
10:27You do?
10:29I have some experience, yes.
10:30My advice is to get out now if you're not in too deep.
10:35Oh, I'm out.
10:36Don't you worry about me.
10:39Good for you.
10:42Good luck with everything.
10:43Good luck with everything.
11:00Well, this is depressing.
11:03I'm cold.
11:04You're cold?
11:05Let's go home.
11:06Bye, you guys.
11:07I'm asleep.
11:08Get off me.
11:09I'm asleep.
11:10Get off.
11:11Get off me.
11:12I'm sleeping.
11:16I'm sleeping.
11:17I'm sleeping.
11:18I haven't done this since college.
11:20That was fun.
11:21Yeah, it was.
11:23Have a good day.
11:24Your sister seems like we can see a lot.
11:26Yeah, I noticed that.
11:28There's a real connection there.
11:29Yeah.
11:34Hey, guys.
11:35Hey, Jeremy.
11:39How have you been?
11:41Oh, you know, um...
11:44Same old.
11:46Well, I heard you got back together.
11:49Makes me really happy.
11:51It does?
11:52How?
11:53No, I'm genuinely curious.
11:55It does.
11:56I've, uh, felt...
11:59I don't want to bore you with my emotions.
12:03Maybe we should all grab a drink and talk about it sometime.
12:06I feel like we didn't do a lot of talking before.
12:10I'm sorry.
12:11How about all that, I guess?
12:14I like that.
12:15Well...
12:17How about now?
12:20I'm free.
12:23Okay.
12:24Let's go.
12:25Let's go.
12:29Let's go.
12:32Let's go.
12:33Let's go.
12:45I keep forgetting I don't have keys.
12:48Well, they didn't change locks or anything.
12:49Yeah, I threw them in the reservoir.
12:50Right.
13:01Well, it's not stuffy.
13:03Thanks.
13:05I'm sorry.
13:07Yeah.
13:08No, great windows.
13:10I should have figured you wouldn't live someplace stuffy, so you don't seem like you would.
13:14Well, I like it.
13:15I mean, I like it enough to basically open a vein every month to pay for it by myself.
13:20Are you still at the bar?
13:22Yeah, basically every day.
13:24Is it a lot?
13:26For one person?
13:27Yeah.
13:29It's hard living alone.
13:31I had to give up my place.
13:33Oh, that's terrible.
13:35Your place was awesome.
13:36A loft bed was cool, but I'd probably knock my head coming down the stairs every morning.
13:40Uh, where are you now?
13:44Echo Park.
13:45Towards downtown.
13:46Kyle's place is awesome and rent-free.
13:48He has a patron for fuck's sake.
13:52You are so jealous.
13:54Mmm.
13:55Yes.
13:56Yep.
13:57No, actually, no.
13:58We are way past jealousy.
14:00Well, fuck it. I'm jealous.
14:01Where's my Sam Wagstaff?
14:02Who?
14:03Robert Mapplethorpe's sexy old man benefactor.
14:06Which reminds me.
14:08Never chide me for not knowing an obscure confessional poet again.
14:17So, um, I heard you two got back together?
14:20That's a rumor.
14:21We are.
14:23Back together.
14:24We did.
14:25Get back together.
14:27Whatever that means.
14:28It means we're back together.
14:31That's great.
14:33I'm really happy for you two.
14:36And I'm sorry, uh, for everything that happened.
14:42Me too.
14:43Yeah, me too.
14:44I'm sorry.
14:45Why are we sorry?
14:47I mean, we should all be past this at this point, right?
14:50I'm not trying to be downer.
14:51I'm just trying to be realistic.
14:54I'm fine by me.
14:55Yeah, you two are sitting pretty close to one another.
14:57It's not an accident.
14:58Sorry doesn't knock knees like that.
14:59Sorry leaves room for Jesus.
15:00Should I go?
15:01No.
15:02You can stay.
15:03I'm sorry.
15:04Stay.
15:05I'm sorry.
15:06I'm sorry.
15:07You're drunk.
15:08Mm-hm.
15:09That's true.
15:26That's true.
15:28So what is the deal with you two exactly?
15:30What do you mean?
15:32Are you exclusive?
15:34Studio 54 was exclusive, I guess you could say.
15:37You could say we were evolving.
15:39It's very Darwinian.
15:41Congrats on your show, by the way.
15:43I was walking down the street, and I walked by the gallery,
15:46and I saw, and I swear I didn't go in.
15:49Thank you. Thank you.
15:51It seems like it went really well.
15:53It did. I'm so proud.
15:56They're thinking about doing another show in New York.
15:59Really? That's amazing.
16:02I'd have to go out there for a few months.
16:04After that, who knows?
16:06Wow.
16:10You didn't know?
16:12No.
16:14Congratulations.
16:21Still don't know what I'm gonna do.
16:26I never know what you're gonna do.
16:28I never know what you're gonna do.
16:30Mom, Mom.
16:31Last night I felt the beat and the bang when you're drummer,
16:43The rock had begun.
16:44Last night I felt the heat and the hang of a gun.
16:47The war had begun
16:50Last night I felt the heat
16:54And the hang of the gun
16:57Of what we've become
17:01I put it in my hand
17:05You think you're the same
17:08Oh Lord, I'm in love with the enemy
17:12I put it in my hand
17:16You think you'll understand
17:18Oh Lord, I'm in love with the enemy
17:22Hey, Hillary
17:24He finally texted me
17:27We are going to the coffee shop this afternoon
17:31And I am preparing my speech
17:35I'm thinking about singing it
17:37Why would you even go?
17:39Because, I don't know
17:41Hillary?
17:43I don't like him
17:45Okay
17:48I think you should trust your feelings
17:52Unless they're telling you to kill the president
17:53Or have a baby or something
17:55Baby
17:57How are you hanging in there?
18:01I'm doing...
18:02God, strange
18:04I'm adjusting
18:06How's Tom?
18:09Tom's doing great
18:10I think he's okay
18:13I still can't believe that you guys hooked up with Woods' face
18:17Thank you for confiding that in me
18:20You are welcome
18:21I didn't mean for it to be this weird test or anything
18:25But it did help me understand a few things
18:27Like what?
18:28Maybe I'm never going to be enough for Tom
18:31And maybe that's okay
18:34Maybe he's never going to be enough for me either
18:37You don't want to end up like mom
18:40Just regretting everything
18:42Well, I've got to get alcoholism down
18:49Oh, Calvin
18:53I miss you
18:56Already
18:57When are you coming to visit me?
19:02Hi
19:26I've been thinking about you
19:29I'd love to see you again
19:32If you want to see me
19:35I mean
19:35If you don't
19:37Please disregard
19:39If you do
19:41Call me
19:43Bye
19:44You know you could be helping
19:52I'm watching the truck
19:55So are you going to get me a discount on this U-Haul or what?
20:00Oh, man
20:01Is that a lesbian show?
20:05That's what I thought you promised me
20:07I thought that was the deal to get out of the house
20:09I gotcha, I gotcha
20:11Shit, I'll cover the U-Haul since you got out of the house
20:15Should we christen this bitch or what?
20:21I really just think this is best for everybody
20:33You do not have to reassure me
20:35Well, I appreciate you understanding
20:37Are you kidding me?
20:39After how long you guys let me stay with you?
20:42Do you think you're going to be okay?
20:44Yeah, I'm
20:45Amber and Anna like those deck chairs so much that I'm on a wait list
20:50So at the very least I'm going to be really busy
20:52I still can't believe how much you charge
20:55Well, it's not my fault people will pay me
20:57How are you doing anyway?
21:00Good
21:00We're having sex again
21:03Kind of
21:04On the weekends
21:05I don't get it
21:06Me neither
21:07But we're figuring it out
21:08And the wedding?
21:12Wedding's still on
21:13We're, uh, paring it down a little bit
21:16You know, just our friends
21:17Or maybe not our friends
21:20Nice place
21:21Happy housewarming
21:23Hey, Bea
21:25Hey, Bea
21:30I was just telling you, Bea, how grateful I was to the two of you
21:35For letting me bottom out in your guest room
21:37I basically just had to be a complete failure of a human being for a few weeks
21:41Or months
21:42You certainly did a lot of bottoming out in our guest room, Jeremy
21:46She's funny
21:48He tells jokes
21:50You know you're welcome anytime you need
21:52Is that him?
21:55Yeah
21:55You want to hear my philosophy on relationships?
21:58Please, no
21:59You're going to fuck up
22:00And that's okay
22:02That's a given
22:02But you have to keep trying
22:04Or don't try
22:06Either way is fine
22:07But it takes two people to keep trying
22:10Well, here's the trying
22:12And not trying
22:13Hey
22:20Hey
22:20Sorry I missed your call
22:23Thanks for calling me back
22:25Thanks for calling me back
22:26Of course
22:27What are you doing the rest of the week?
22:30Well
22:31That depends on who's asking
22:34Hey
22:40Hey
22:40Hey
22:41Sorry I'm late
22:44It's okay, I was late too
22:46Just apparently not late enough
22:47I want to start out by apologizing
22:50Me too
22:50Nobody should leave that many voicemails
22:53It's okay
22:53I know it's okay
22:55I'm an emotionally honest person
22:57Unlike some people
22:58Hey, I told you
22:59You did not
23:00You just didn't call me back
23:01You, in fact, broke up with me
23:03I want to start out by apologizing
23:07You know, I want to take back
23:09My previous apology
23:10That's fair
23:11I want to apologize
23:14For getting you involved
23:16In my
23:16Existential life crisis
23:19Whatever the hell this is
23:21I didn't want to be an asshole
23:24And I am
23:25An asshole
23:27Right now
23:28Apparently
23:29So are you not seeing that other person?
23:36No
23:36She
23:38Broke up with me
23:41So what are you doing here?
23:43Is it like to rebound with me?
23:46I don't know what I'm here for
23:47Deep down
23:49I can tell that you are a good person
23:51Good guys don't break things
23:54Maybe I'm not as breakable as you think
23:58I am not going to be your girlfriend, Ian
24:05Okay
24:06But I will consent to going on a date with you
24:09Okay
24:12So when would you like to go on our date?
24:16How about now?
24:20Okay then
24:21Okay then
24:23What?
24:26Flowers?
24:30What do you think?
24:36It's like red
24:37Kind of amp-y
24:38Yeah that's great
24:39We're going for like a kind of retro feel
24:41Oh
24:41Are you even sure you want to be seen in public with me?
24:45I mean
24:45Everybody's going to be like
24:46I'm the pretty one
24:48And you're going to have to be fending off
24:49All the guys that want to hit on me
24:51Because you're such a fishy queen
24:52Right?
24:53Your fresh flounder
24:54Is that it?
24:55I know the risk I'm taking
24:57Listen
24:58I'm the little mermaid
25:00And your flounder
25:01It's mercury poisoning
25:03Okay
25:04What do you think?
25:05Wah!
25:06Um
25:07Pretty
25:08I look like a prostitute loitering outside a donut shop
25:11Yeah
25:12Yeah
25:13Base coat
25:1430, 40 more minutes
25:15You'll be
25:16Mm
25:17Like an escort
25:18I got you
25:19Lucky me
25:20No, no, no, no, no, no
25:22You don't kiss and drag
25:24It's that dick and drag
25:26Mm-hmm
25:27Yeah
25:28I like that
25:29That's how you get the coins
25:39Yeah, this is terrible
25:40Oh
25:41Oh
25:47Oh
25:51Oh
25:58Move my hand
26:01With your hand
26:02With your hand
26:05With your hand
26:06Draw a map
26:07Draw a map
26:09draw a map
26:10Of the world
26:12With your hand
26:14With your hands
26:15draw a map
26:16Of the world
26:17Wild at first
26:19We flatten the earth, moving like a Ouija board
26:26Spill the map, spill the world
26:30Dry it all, be small
26:34Steep height, deep canyon
26:38Dry it all, dry it all
26:40In front of us
26:43I saw it all, I saw it all
26:47Keep tight, complain when I saw it all
26:53In front of us
26:57But part of me
27:00Was always at sea
27:03Swimming lights, trying to wrap around the world
27:09And somebody
27:12Is always in the lead
27:15When you're on a Ouija board
27:17You knew first
27:19You spelled my words
27:21You threw it all
27:23The beat and smoke
27:25Steep height, deep canyon
27:29You threw it all, you threw it all
27:31It wasn't me
27:33You threw it all, threw it all
27:37You threw it all
27:39I was the right hand
27:41You were the captain
27:43You threw it all
27:45In front of me
27:47Easy to unfold
27:51Hard to fold up with me
27:53You asshole
27:59Hi
28:01Where are your suitcases?
28:03I left them in LA
28:04All I need is right here
28:06I'm kidding
28:07I'm kidding
28:08They lost them
28:09At the Vardia
28:10But said they're sending them to me
28:12What are you here for?
28:14I'll show you
28:16Works for me
28:18That old man
28:20That old man
28:21That old man
28:22That's not my world
28:24No, no
28:28Not my canyon
28:31No, no
28:34It wasn't me
28:37No, no
28:41Sleep tight companion
28:44No, no
28:46Oh, no
28:47It wasn't me
28:50Oh
28:52Oh
28:56Oh
28:57Oh
28:58Oh
29:03Oh
29:06Oh
29:08Oh
29:09Oh
29:10Oh
29:11Oh
29:13Oh