Brendon O' Carroll
Live
Live
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00People talk about girls in Spain and girls in California
00:00:24They might be alright for the night, alright
00:00:27Don't trust them, I warn you
00:00:28I've been to the east and I've been out west
00:00:31Where the girls all dressed with style
00:00:33But I haven't seen one come anywhere near the girls from the Emerald Oil
00:00:37Give me an Irish girl every time
00:00:41I'm gonna find one I've made up my mind
00:00:46Give me an Irish girl every time
00:00:50I want an Irish girl
00:00:58In Galway City, there's girls so pretty whose faces don't need painting
00:01:03Move up north to the Donegal Sark, there's a thousand beauties waiting
00:01:07In Wexford Town, the girls go round with a come and get me smile
00:01:11And a Belfast girl with a wave of a curl can drive a same man royal
00:01:15Give me an Irish girl every time
00:01:20I'm gonna find one I've made up my mind
00:01:24Give me an Irish girl every time
00:01:28I want an Irish girl
00:01:32Girls in Cork is the best in the world
00:01:35There is no doubt about it
00:01:36If you can't feel your knee with a rose from Tralee
00:01:38Then you're better off doing without it
00:01:40But the Dublin lass has a touch at last
00:01:43They're the ones that I like best
00:01:45Cause when she goes asleep you can take a peek at the tattoos on her chest
00:01:49Give me an Irish girl every time
00:01:54I'm gonna find one I've made up my mind
00:01:58Give me an Irish girl every time
00:02:03I want an Irish girl
00:02:06Give me an Irish girl every time
00:02:11I'm gonna find one I've made up my mind
00:02:16Give me an Irish girl every time
00:02:20I want an Irish girl
00:02:23Give me an Irish girl every time
00:02:28I'm gonna find one I've made up my mind
00:02:33Give me an Irish girl every time
00:02:37I want an Irish girl
00:02:40I want an Irish girl
00:02:44I want an Irish girl
00:02:47I want an Irish girl
00:02:50I want an Irish girl
00:03:27You said turn left, you bollocks.
00:03:43He said turn, he said turn, fucking left.
00:03:48He said go to the lights and turn, fucking left.
00:03:53I just seen the fucking lights.
00:03:59I'm sorry for interrupting you.
00:04:02I think I'm fucking lost.
00:04:06Where's that fucker?
00:04:09I'm terrible, sorry.
00:04:11I'm lost.
00:04:12I'm lost.
00:04:13You're lost?
00:04:14Yeah.
00:04:15Where are you looking for?
00:04:16I'm looking for everyone's palace.
00:04:19Everyone's palace?
00:04:20No, no.
00:04:21No, no.
00:04:22This is the Everyman Palace Theatre in Cork.
00:04:25Fuck off.
00:04:27Yeah.
00:04:28Where's the fucking car pack?
00:04:32I'm supposed to meet a fella here.
00:04:34Yeah?
00:04:35Oh, this is fucking embarrassing.
00:04:36I'm sorry.
00:04:37Trevor Green.
00:04:38No, no.
00:04:39Never heard of him.
00:04:40Some fucking colour.
00:04:42Jerry Brown.
00:04:43Jerry Brown, please.
00:04:44Yeah, yeah.
00:04:45Hello.
00:04:46Jerry Brown.
00:04:47Hello.
00:04:48Hello.
00:04:49Yo.
00:04:50Hello, God.
00:04:51You, you bollocks.
00:04:52You said turn left.
00:04:53Take that fucking bike.
00:04:55Do you homosexual?
00:04:56I'm not sure.
00:04:57Leave the saddle alone.
00:04:58I'm sorry.
00:04:59No.
00:05:00You a, no.
00:05:01Hello.
00:05:02See you.
00:05:03Hello.
00:05:04Jerry Brown.
00:05:05Hello.
00:05:06Hello.
00:05:07Hello.
00:05:08Hello, God.
00:05:09You, you bollocks.
00:05:10You said turn left.
00:05:11Take that fucking bike.
00:05:12See a homosexual?
00:05:13I'm not, I'm not sure.
00:05:15Leave the saddle alone.
00:05:18so
00:05:25so
00:05:27where did he go
00:05:30hello
00:05:32so listen you found me
00:05:34I'm Jerry Brown yeah
00:05:35yeah can't you
00:05:36might have been fucking everywhere looking for you
00:05:40temporarily
00:05:41limerick
00:05:42bollocks
00:05:44so you found me
00:05:46so
00:05:47yeah how are you
00:05:50fuck off
00:05:51I'm here about the jig
00:05:53no no
00:05:58it's not a jig
00:05:59what are you doing there
00:06:01haha sorry
00:06:02bit of door to me
00:06:04listen so
00:06:06yeah
00:06:08it's not a jig it's a gig
00:06:12I can't speak the fuck I can't dance
00:06:14yeah so
00:06:17so what gig are you talking about
00:06:20the comedian's gig
00:06:21no no we have our own comedian
00:06:23no you haven't
00:06:23no we have our own comedian
00:06:25no you fucking haven't
00:06:27friend of kyle can't come
00:06:28I know
00:06:29fuck off
00:06:41fuck off
00:06:41he's a friend of mine
00:06:43and you watch our fucking step
00:06:49stick to the script you bollocks
00:06:52no listen
00:06:57where is Brendan
00:06:59where is he
00:07:00he what
00:07:01he what
00:07:04he has a song
00:07:05Mickey
00:07:05he's sick
00:07:07he's sick
00:07:08he's sick
00:07:08he's sick
00:07:09he's sick
00:07:09oh lumps and all of them
00:07:10down here
00:07:11No, don't say that.
00:07:12He's going all blue down one side of it and he's got rash on his ass.
00:07:15Just say he's sick.
00:07:16Just say he's sick.
00:07:17Putting raw eggs on it.
00:07:19Just say he's sick.
00:07:20He tastes awful.
00:07:21Leave it at sick, okay?
00:07:23He's sick.
00:07:24He's sick.
00:07:25Yeah.
00:07:26Nothing wrong with his dick.
00:07:30Yeah, Brendan's going to be a little bit delayed.
00:07:32Fucking curious.
00:07:33He's sick.
00:07:34Look, he didn't have to come on my fucking bike.
00:07:38So, who are you like?
00:07:42Rocky Brennan.
00:07:43Look at his foot.
00:07:45What's that step?
00:07:47Rocky Brennan.
00:07:48Are you fucking rattling?
00:07:53Shaking in me boots here.
00:07:54Float like a butterfly.
00:07:56Sting, sting like fuck all.
00:08:02I don't take no.
00:08:03No smoking for a start, okay?
00:08:06They're twelve pence each.
00:08:10Right, yeah.
00:08:11Took me three hours to load that on the fucking bike.
00:08:15Yeah, right.
00:08:16Anyway, listen.
00:08:18Rocky, is it?
00:08:19Rocky.
00:08:20Rocky.
00:08:21Yeah, okay.
00:08:22Rocky.
00:08:23Right, yeah.
00:08:24Bit of a tough man.
00:08:25Tough man.
00:08:26Tough man.
00:08:27Here for the jig.
00:08:28Here for the jig.
00:08:29Right, okay.
00:08:30So, have you done this sort of gig before?
00:08:32No, no.
00:08:33First time.
00:08:34It's a cunt, isn't it?
00:08:35Brandon gave me a list of constructions.
00:08:37Yeah.
00:08:38How to be the comedian.
00:08:39Fuck off.
00:08:40Get your own jig.
00:08:41He gave me a whole list of what to do.
00:08:42Yeah, yeah.
00:08:43So, I'll be grand.
00:08:44I'll be grand.
00:08:45You'll be grand, okay.
00:08:46I'll be grand.
00:08:47Right, so, okay.
00:08:48I'll tell you what we're going to do.
00:08:49We're going to give you a chance to shine here, okay?
00:08:51Fuck off.
00:08:52Fuck off.
00:08:53Yeah, we're going to give you a shot, okay?
00:08:54Okay.
00:08:55Okay.
00:08:56So, what I want you to do is go to the...
00:08:57You can use Brendan's mic out there.
00:08:58All right.
00:08:59And go to that mic and rock and roll, okay?
00:09:00Okay.
00:09:01What fucking mic?
00:09:02There's a microphone out at the front of the stage there.
00:09:03Here.
00:09:04Hello.
00:09:05Left a bit.
00:09:06Oh, I'm just going to give you a chance to shine here, okay?
00:09:07So, um...
00:09:08Fuck off.
00:09:09Yeah, we're going to give you a shot, okay?
00:09:10Okay.
00:09:11Okay.
00:09:12So, what I want you to do is go to the...
00:09:13You can use Brendan's mic out there.
00:09:14Howdy.
00:09:15And go to that mic and rock and roll, okay?
00:09:17Okay.
00:09:18What fucking mic?
00:09:20There's a microphone out at the front of the stage there.
00:09:25Here.
00:09:26Hello.
00:09:27Left a bit.
00:09:30Left a bit.
00:09:33Hey, hey, hey.
00:09:34Not this.
00:09:35You move.
00:09:36You move.
00:09:37Left.
00:09:38Left a bit.
00:09:39I'll take him with me.
00:09:40Yeah.
00:09:41That'll be handy.
00:09:42Listen.
00:09:43Another bit.
00:09:44Okay.
00:09:45Straight ahead now.
00:09:46Rocky.
00:09:48They're only trying to get fucking rid of me.
00:09:51Okay.
00:09:52Out you go.
00:09:53Straight out.
00:09:54Okay?
00:09:57I fucking see it.
00:10:00I thought that was Twiggy.
00:10:08Martell, testicles.
00:10:09Martell.
00:10:10Rocky, you don't have to do that, okay?
00:10:13Okay?
00:10:14Howdy.
00:10:15What do I fucking do then?
00:10:19Read for me.
00:10:20Howdy.
00:10:21Read for me.
00:10:22All right.
00:10:23All right.
00:10:24All right.
00:10:29Oh, fuck.
00:10:31I thought we'd have to move on the gig to Russia.
00:10:34What?
00:10:35I thought it was your problem.
00:10:36What?
00:10:37What?
00:10:38No.
00:10:40No.
00:10:41No.
00:10:42No.
00:10:43No.
00:10:44No.
00:10:45No.
00:10:46No.
00:10:47No.
00:10:48No.
00:10:49No.
00:10:50No.
00:10:51No.
00:10:52No.
00:10:53No.
00:10:54No.
00:10:55from everybody in Irish.
00:11:01Fucking three languages we speak.
00:11:04bisexual.
00:11:10Number two.
00:11:13Say something dirty.
00:11:23How's your funny?
00:11:25This is fucking easy.
00:11:36I'm going to skip number three and do number four.
00:11:39No, no, I think you should do number three.
00:11:41I can't fucking read it.
00:11:42Why not?
00:11:43Because I'll join it up.
00:11:46I do number four.
00:11:47Oh, go on, go on, will you?
00:11:48Number four.
00:11:50Say number three.
00:11:56Rocky, go back here.
00:11:59Try number three.
00:12:00You can take it slowly.
00:12:01I can't fucking read it.
00:12:02Come on, try it.
00:12:03Tell a joke.
00:12:04No, Rocky, tell a joke.
00:12:15That's what Brandon does.
00:12:16Tell a joke.
00:12:17Do the gig.
00:12:18Do the gig.
00:12:19Once upon a time there was two Chinese.
00:12:25Now look how many that fucking is.
00:12:27That fucking is.
00:12:40Fuck, I wasn't that fucking funny.
00:12:45Do you know the one?
00:12:46Yeah, you're going very well.
00:12:47Thanks very much.
00:12:48Keep going.
00:12:50This woman, now this is the dirty one.
00:12:55I won't listen.
00:13:00That's it, we're all at the fucking going.
00:13:03This woman.
00:13:05Now, this woman is walking down the road.
00:13:10I wonder if I did, he's just hanging out.
00:13:14I fucking swear.
00:13:17It's going wibbly wibbly wibbly.
00:13:20Nipple to the east, down the nipple to the west.
00:13:26And the policeman sees her and goes up,
00:13:28Mrs, Mrs!
00:13:30She said, what?
00:13:32The diddy's hanging out.
00:13:34And she went, oh Jesus, I must have leaving the baby on the bus.
00:13:40Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:13:47Did you get someone on a fucking bike?
00:13:52Did I hear they kill you?
00:13:57Are you doing another one?
00:13:58Yes, you're doing well.
00:13:59Are you doing another one?
00:14:00Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
00:14:01All right.
00:14:03Did...
00:14:04No, I've done that one.
00:14:06Three, yeah, three fell...
00:14:08No, fuck off.
00:14:09Fuck off.
00:14:11Slow down.
00:14:13Three crassy-eyed men
00:14:16came up in front of a trashy-eyed judge.
00:14:18Oh, sorry, Mike.
00:14:22And the trashy-eyed judge said to the first fella,
00:14:24what's her name?
00:14:26And the second fella said, Peter.
00:14:29The judge said, I wasn't fucking talking to you.
00:14:31And the third fella said, I never locked me fucking mouth.
00:14:41And the judge gave the jury three years.
00:14:45Fucked him.
00:14:47It's not as long as the O.J. Timpton jury got.
00:14:53That was great.
00:14:54Thanks very much.
00:14:55No, no, no, no.
00:14:56You're doing well.
00:14:57You're doing well.
00:14:58Have you got a long one?
00:14:59I'm fucking finished.
00:15:00Fuck off.
00:15:02Yeah, uh...
00:15:03No, I'm not taking that out.
00:15:05That was on the list they would have fucking watched her.
00:15:08No, no, no.
00:15:09No, Rocky, I meant...
00:15:11Have you got a long joke?
00:15:13A long joke.
00:15:14Oh, fuck off.
00:15:16I just had a long yoke.
00:15:22Don't do new stuff.
00:15:24Give me polity.
00:15:27A long joke.
00:15:28Yeah, yeah.
00:15:29Yeah.
00:15:30Fucking long joke.
00:15:31Yeah.
00:15:33Have an idea.
00:15:35Oh, okay.
00:15:36Try this one.
00:15:37Yeah, yeah.
00:15:38Yeah.
00:15:39Hey.
00:15:40Did you hear about the man with two wooden legs?
00:15:42His house went on fire and he was burnt to the ground.
00:15:45And he tried to claim the insurance and he was arrested for arson.
00:15:51And he went to court and he hadn't a fucking leg to stand on.
00:15:56And the judge fined him 50 pounds and he had to bum his way home.
00:15:59And he was at the butt top and the butt came along and the fella said, can they give you a hand?
00:16:03And he said, fuck off, it's a leg I want.
00:16:06That's a fucking load of matter down together there now.
00:16:08Yeah.
00:16:09Yeah.
00:16:10Yeah.
00:16:11Yeah.
00:16:12Yeah.
00:16:13Yeah.
00:16:14Rocky, I, you know, have you...
00:16:15A little bit of loot here.
00:16:16Yeah.
00:16:17We were looking, you have the right idea, but we're looking for a sort of a long story, you know, something with a bit of substance to it maybe.
00:16:23Yeah, a bit of, I can't even tell your toubtooth.
00:16:26Yeah, you know, a good long story, you know.
00:16:28Long story.
00:16:29A bit of toubtooth.
00:16:30Yeah.
00:16:31A bit of toubtooth.
00:16:33Yeah.
00:16:34Fucking hell, that's pressure.
00:16:36Tonight.
00:16:37Can I practice him?
00:16:38Yeah, yeah.
00:16:39This fella I just walked into a shop today.
00:16:42Cue me there, Mr. Pace.
00:16:44And see what the camera is going to do.
00:16:46And I said, I didn't like to do this.
00:16:48Yeah.
00:16:50he would come with the only thing I think it's excuse me are you big kids excuse me
00:16:57please don't you call me big kids big girl fucking yellow the line I'm gonna
00:17:02tell you I took a grab you now took this off I have one okay you have one great
00:17:11I'm not going to tell that one remember the fucking end of it yeah just do
00:17:17something okay I tried it one a hopper can remember one to put long no a long not
00:17:27all fucking years ago a plane crashed in the jungle and anybody would kill
00:17:37anybody kid oh big complotent big fucking mess
00:17:43bit of fucking air the plane in the jungle bars of soap fucking luggage I'm just
00:17:54trying to get the point across yeah I think they got the message
00:18:00anybody would kill them the plane except except a little baby because he must have
00:18:06been in the black box listening to the tapes the baby is lying in the jungle gone
00:18:16something happened oh yeah no dear I know it the baby is lying in the jungle and no
00:18:37it's crying nobody heard him because there's no one in the jungle empty so the baby was taken away by the
00:18:47baboons so a fucking thing I got me baboons cutting me zip once I'll never forget it I still have a blue
00:18:57mac and all from it and he will raise it in the jungle but it's him didn't it easy
00:19:06him in the knees is kingdom and in the end in the ages fucking monkeys and they
00:19:19growed up in the jungle with them in the gym with the monkeys and years later you can
00:19:24hear them swinging through the jungle gone
00:19:27he had his daughter
00:19:42and it name
00:19:55and his name and his name was Christy that don't sound fucking right
00:20:11keep going keep going so one day Christy's elfless swing in the jungle
00:20:18he's not doing any sound he's just swinging you know just
00:20:23just out for the quade swing you know what I mean
00:20:26and uh he looked down on his teeth now this is important he sees this girl walking
00:20:33this girl this girl walking through the jungle on her own with no clothes on her not a fucking
00:20:40stitch in the nude naked fuck all
00:20:44I'm getting a horn
00:20:46I'm getting a horn
00:20:50don't don't say that okay don't say that
00:20:52no don't don't say that okay
00:20:55I can't I can't do it
00:20:57listen put your coat across
00:20:58put your coat across don't say that
00:21:01okay I'll take full call
00:21:02okay
00:21:04nothing on her
00:21:11nobody was getting a horn and nothing
00:21:24and Gritty was swinging and he looked down and he saw the girl and he
00:21:27So he dropped down out of the trees, trees, out of the fucking branch.
00:21:35In front of her, she went, oh, mother Jesus, Mary, holy mother, oh, Jesus.
00:21:43Because she got a fucking fright.
00:21:50And Grady walked over to her, he went,
00:21:53Who the fuck are you?
00:21:57And she said, Marguerite, you Langer.
00:22:07No, she didn't.
00:22:17She said, no, because she wouldn't.
00:22:19She went, Marguerite, you Langer.
00:22:24Couldn't tell him the time.
00:22:25So he said, where the fuck did you come from?
00:22:30And she said, Ballyferm, right?
00:22:32So don't fucking push her.
00:22:39So she said to him then, right now you swinging around the fucking train,
00:22:45fighting the shit out of people.
00:22:47Who the fuck are you?
00:22:51And he said, my...
00:22:53My...
00:22:54My...
00:22:56My name is Chrissy.
00:23:04But in the jungle, they call me...
00:23:08Chris.
00:23:14I'm making the bollocks of this for you.
00:23:17You'll do it okay.
00:23:18Keep going.
00:23:22So she said,
00:23:23All right, Christy.
00:23:26Now, in the jungle, where did the chamber the monkeys...
00:23:31For years and fucking years...
00:23:34What did you do for sex?
00:23:35Mm-hmm.
00:23:37So he said,
00:23:39Oh, I have a tree.
00:23:45With a hole in it.
00:23:46And they put my mickey in the hole.
00:23:54And Jay said,
00:23:55My Jesus.
00:23:57Will you not be afraid you get a disease?
00:24:00And he said,
00:24:00No, no, it's a rubber tree.
00:24:11Take no chances.
00:24:12Wear the log.
00:24:16So she said to him,
00:24:20A tree?
00:24:21With a hole?
00:24:23Fuck me.
00:24:26So then he had an idea.
00:24:30Come here now,
00:24:31You thing that swings around my thing
00:24:33With your fucking trees.
00:24:38Would you like to do it with me?
00:24:41So Christy went,
00:24:42Fuckin' sure.
00:24:43So she lied down in the jungle.
00:24:47Real sexy.
00:24:49You know, like,
00:24:49Come on, Christy.
00:24:55Playing hard to get.
00:25:01And Christy whipped off the loincloth.
00:25:04Shweep.
00:25:04Time for bed,
00:25:09Said Zebedee.
00:25:09And she learned that
00:25:14Do-do-do-do-do.
00:25:15Not that nothing on her.
00:25:17Not that just a picture
00:25:17Of Ronnie Drew
00:25:18With no teeth in.
00:25:20Come on, Christy.
00:25:24So Christy went over.
00:25:27Christy went,
00:25:28And he went,
00:25:29Muttin' a light for any drill.
00:25:39Christy,
00:25:39You fuckin' idiot.
00:25:42Now you're not
00:25:43Gettin' your shoe back.
00:25:49What the fuck
00:25:50Did you do that for?
00:25:51And he said,
00:25:52I had to check
00:25:52For fuckin' squiddles.
00:25:53Thank you there.
00:26:06Thank you very much.
00:26:07Rocky, sorry,
00:26:07Just let me interrupt you there
00:26:08For one second.
00:26:10I've just had a note.
00:26:13We do it, you will.
00:26:15Yeah, no, no.
00:26:16I've just had
00:26:16A note here
00:26:19From our manager,
00:26:19Slim,
00:26:20Who's just in front.
00:26:21Slim, yeah.
00:26:26Give the fuckin' up.
00:26:26Yeah, okay.
00:26:27And, uh,
00:26:28Brendan has actually
00:26:29Just arrived
00:26:29So we're gonna do a song
00:26:31And, um,
00:26:33Wait a fuckin' minute.
00:26:34Yeah, so.
00:26:35No, no, wait a minute.
00:26:36Yeah.
00:26:37What about me gig?
00:26:39Sorry, Rocky.
00:26:40Your gig is finished.
00:26:46I didn't even get
00:26:47A fuckin' clap.
00:26:51Yeah, yeah.
00:26:59Take it, boys.
00:27:01Ladies and gents,
00:27:02Mr. Rocky Brennan.
00:27:08Ladies and gents,
00:27:10Mr. Brendan O'Carroll!
00:27:12Whoa!
00:27:18Whoa!
00:27:36Fuck off.
00:27:39I know when you're takin' a piss.
00:27:41It's like me fuckin' suit.
00:27:48His suit was his idea.
00:27:50You look great, bro.
00:27:51I look like a box
00:27:51Of fuckin' dirty milk.
00:28:07All right, fuck off.
00:28:09Fuck off.
00:28:11If anybody'd like to see
00:28:17My nut surprise, by the way.
00:28:21My little hazelnut cluster.
00:28:25How are you, Stiona?
00:28:26It's lovely to see you all.
00:28:27I can see fuck all from here.
00:28:29Hello upstairs.
00:28:30I think there's somebody fuckin' up there.
00:28:36Good evening.
00:28:37I can just barely see the front.
00:28:38Hello, how are you?
00:28:39Hello.
00:28:39Love you short.
00:28:40Looks very nice in you.
00:28:40And a married couple.
00:28:41I can see that straight away.
00:28:42Nice to see you.
00:28:43I know you're married
00:28:44because you look as miserable
00:28:44as I fuckin' do.
00:28:47Get the elbow now.
00:28:48Smile, you little bastard.
00:28:51How are you, lads?
00:28:51How are you?
00:28:51Nice to see you.
00:28:52Lovely, nice couple.
00:28:53Are you guys married?
00:28:53You too?
00:28:54Married?
00:28:54No, no, just kidding.
00:28:57You're fuckin' right.
00:29:00Hello, ladies.
00:29:00How are you?
00:29:01Enjoying yourself so far?
00:29:03Is that too hard
00:29:04a fuckin' question for you?
00:29:05Is it?
00:29:08Are you
00:29:09enjoying yourself?
00:29:14She's got to cross her legs now.
00:29:18Now she's got to run cross on them.
00:29:21Fuck off.
00:29:22I have a job to do.
00:29:25It's nice to see you girls
00:29:25and I hope you're enjoying yourself.
00:29:26That's important to see the lesbians
00:29:27out having a good time.
00:29:28That's very important.
00:29:38I bet you taught
00:29:38you had the best seats in the house.
00:29:41Tomorrow when people say to you,
00:29:42listen, we have the show,
00:29:43you say, I was in the fuckin' show.
00:29:46It's nice to see you.
00:29:47And hello to the rest of you.
00:29:48And again, nice to see
00:29:49so many couples here tonight, Chase.
00:29:50Don't be afraid to use a flasher.
00:29:52I have no problem with flashes.
00:29:54I mean that, really.
00:29:56And, oh, let me talk to the rich cunts.
00:30:00Hi, girls.
00:30:00How are you?
00:30:02Look awfully attractive, I must say.
00:30:05Hello, sir.
00:30:06How are you?
00:30:09It's nice to have money.
00:30:10What's that in this fuckin' note?
00:30:17Ha, ha, ha.
00:30:19Go on, you whores, yo.
00:30:21Go on, you langers.
00:30:24We actually have footballers
00:30:26from Cork City in that box there.
00:30:28The entire fuckin' team.
00:30:30And Mr. Damien Richardson, of course,
00:30:34formerly of Cork and Nellwood,
00:30:35Shelbourne in Dublin.
00:30:40He has to go out that door there.
00:30:43Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:30:45Go on, you langers, you Richardson.
00:30:48Go on, fiend.
00:30:50Let's have a look over here.
00:30:51Hello, how are you?
00:30:52Hello, Brendan.
00:30:53It's not a fuckin' interview.
00:30:55How are you, Brendan?
00:30:56How's it going?
00:30:56You're all comfortable in there, are you?
00:30:59Nice and dark in there.
00:31:02And, oh, that's a fuckin' camera.
00:31:05Hello, Manny.
00:31:07Fuck off.
00:31:09But you are all very, very welcome.
00:31:11And we had two visitors here last night,
00:31:12the new owners of the Dan Lowry's next door,
00:31:15which is a favorite haunt of ours.
00:31:16And last night, after the gig,
00:31:19we went in for a drink to them.
00:31:26They're not sittin' on someone's fuckin' finger,
00:31:31though, are they?
00:31:36We went to the Dan Lowry's last night
00:31:38to have a jar,
00:31:38and they told me that they'd just got a present
00:31:40that day of a stuffed fox.
00:31:43They had it up over the back of the bar,
00:31:44and they said,
00:31:45would you mind if we call it after you?
00:31:50As long as it's not gonna be called
00:31:51hairy fucker, I don't mind.
00:31:53They said, no, we're gonna call it
00:31:55Brendan the Cute Little Fox.
00:31:58I thought, that wasn't that fuckin' nice, wasn't it?
00:32:00No, it often crossed my mind
00:32:01how things get their names.
00:32:02You know, when you walk in,
00:32:03you see somethin' and they go,
00:32:03Brendan the Cute Little Fox,
00:32:04people be goin',
00:32:05I wonder where the fuck they're gonna name?
00:32:08Names come from unusual places.
00:32:09We have a dog at home,
00:32:10he's no tongue.
00:32:11Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:32:15My dad christened them smelly balls.
00:32:20I don't know where he got the fuckin' name from.
00:32:23Well, it's lovely to be back in Cork,
00:32:27and particularly nice to be,
00:32:28try and laugh in fuckin' unison, will ya?
00:32:32We've only 75 minutes on this fuckin' video.
00:32:36It's nice to be back in Cork,
00:32:37and it's great,
00:32:38we've been looking forward to this opportunity
00:32:39to record this video in Cork for a long, long time.
00:32:42The Everyman Palace is one of the nicest
00:32:43and homeliest theaters we play,
00:32:45and the Cork audience is without doubt
00:32:46the finest, eh,
00:32:48sorry, it's without doubt
00:32:53the finest audience we have
00:32:55ever played to in Cork.
00:33:01Sure, the lango.
00:33:04I love that fuckin' word.
00:33:05For those of you that don't know,
00:33:10we are also attached to a campaign
00:33:13in County Mead,
00:33:14the Ashburn Ferrogi campaign,
00:33:17and the campaign's called Drugs Kill.
00:33:18It's an anti-drugs campaign, obviously,
00:33:19and it's aimed at young people.
00:33:21And the message in it really is to tell young people
00:33:23that drugs kill you,
00:33:23and that's what they do.
00:33:24And as part of that campaign
00:33:25to discourage the use of drugs,
00:33:28we come up with this song.
00:33:30And the message in this song
00:33:31we're gonna do is very, very simple.
00:33:32The message is,
00:33:33if you're feeling down,
00:33:34if you're feeling low,
00:33:35if you've got a touch of the blues,
00:33:36then the last thing you need
00:33:37is drink or drugs
00:33:38in any shape or form.
00:33:39All you have to do
00:33:40is exactly what we're gonna tell you to do.
00:33:46This song is called
00:33:48Wank Your Blues Away.
00:33:52Wank.
00:33:53Is it wank?
00:33:57When you hear those lonely blues songs,
00:34:00Blue song, blue song, blue song, blue song,
00:34:02blue song, blue song.
00:34:05Not red, but fucking blue.
00:34:08Blue song.
00:34:11God, you fucking good thing.
00:34:20Come on, the fuck.
00:34:21You might think that you wrote them.
00:34:27You might think you wrote them.
00:34:31Wrote them.
00:34:34With a pencil.
00:34:37Or a barrel.
00:34:38Doesn't matter the fuck.
00:34:40You might think you wrote them.
00:34:43Can you make any fucking butter?
00:34:56You might think that life
00:34:57has kicked you
00:35:05in the scrotum.
00:35:09Oh.
00:35:10Oh, me scrotum.
00:35:12Now,
00:35:13there's an interesting fucking word.
00:35:17Scrotum.
00:35:21It's not a very romantic word, is it?
00:35:24You imagine the amount of girls
00:35:25who'd be turned on
00:35:25if you said,
00:35:26would you like to see my scrotum?
00:35:30You never see it
00:35:31in a Milton Boone book, did you?
00:35:32Never see a romantic line like,
00:35:34she nestled into my scrotum.
00:35:40It's a horrible word.
00:35:43That's what it is.
00:35:43We, the fellas,
00:35:44get all the horrible words.
00:35:45The girls get the nice words.
00:35:47You know.
00:35:49Vagina.
00:35:51That sounds like
00:35:52somewhere you go
00:35:52on your fucking holidays.
00:35:55You meet a fella in the street.
00:35:56How you doing?
00:35:57You look great.
00:35:57Well, I feel wonderful.
00:35:58I've been away, you know.
00:36:00Have you?
00:36:01Where?
00:36:01Two weeks in vagina.
00:36:02You bastard.
00:36:07Was it hot?
00:36:08Was it fucking hot?
00:36:12Have you been away yourself?
00:36:14Well, no, not really.
00:36:16We had a caravan for a week
00:36:18in scrotum.
00:36:21Beach was full of fucking rocks.
00:36:23Crabs everywhere.
00:36:24You couldn't walk anywhere.
00:36:25I fucking had it.
00:36:27Finished now, are you?
00:36:29Finished?
00:36:30I just think these things
00:36:31should be fucking talked about.
00:36:34Yeah, sure.
00:36:37Be brave and wash
00:36:39the teardrops
00:36:40from your eyes.
00:36:49He's fucking brilliant.
00:36:50There's one more remedy
00:36:56That you can try
00:37:06That you can try
00:37:10Okay.
00:37:13Let's see the wank hands
00:37:14in the air.
00:37:19Not the fellas.
00:37:19I know the fellas can do it.
00:37:22I want to see the girls
00:37:24wank hands in the air.
00:37:26I'm not surprised
00:37:27not to see all the girls
00:37:28with their hands up.
00:37:29I'm not because really
00:37:30girls, honestly,
00:37:31there's not one girl here
00:37:32can honestly put her hand
00:37:33in the air and say
00:37:34I'm a wanker.
00:37:38Because girls,
00:37:39when it comes to wanking,
00:37:40you're fucking dreadful of it.
00:37:43You see this?
00:37:44See that?
00:37:47That's not a wank.
00:37:48That's a fucking
00:37:50computer game.
00:38:05That's entertaining
00:38:06the budgie.
00:38:07Does that ring a bell?
00:38:13Does in our church.
00:38:17And even when you get
00:38:18the grip right,
00:38:18you get it all wrong.
00:38:19Girls,
00:38:19it's a delicate piece
00:38:21of equipment.
00:38:23Be fucking gentle.
00:38:26You sit there going,
00:38:27I will.
00:38:27Just give me a minute.
00:38:28I will.
00:38:34He's fucking
00:38:35staring at me.
00:38:39Make him look
00:38:40the other way,
00:38:40I'll sneak up on him.
00:38:41Oh, Jesus.
00:38:48It's like a banana
00:38:48with ridiculous veins.
00:38:52I will.
00:38:53Just have patience,
00:38:54will you?
00:38:55If he spits at me,
00:38:56I'll bors you.
00:39:00Ready, steady.
00:39:01What the fuck are you doing?
00:39:10Girls,
00:39:11when we say pull it off,
00:39:12we don't mean
00:39:14pull the fucking thing off.
00:39:15That was a fucking sheep.
00:39:45Wankin' till the cows
00:39:47come home.
00:39:51I know you prefer
00:39:52fucking sheep.
00:39:58Jerry,
00:39:58you can't change
00:40:00things like that.
00:40:02Your doctor told you that.
00:40:05Just stick with the song.
00:40:06I mean,
00:40:06we can't go around
00:40:07singing Mary Had a Little Cow.
00:40:10Her father shot
00:40:11the sheep herder.
00:40:13You know,
00:40:14stay with the fucking
00:40:15son.
00:40:16God love him.
00:40:22It's said
00:40:23with some amusement.
00:40:25Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:40:27That the art
00:40:27of self-abusement.
00:40:30It's a posh word
00:40:31for wanking.
00:40:32Excuse me, darling,
00:40:33I'm just going to
00:40:34self-abuse myself.
00:40:37Hiya,
00:40:38have a wank
00:40:38while you're in there.
00:40:41Was invented
00:40:41long ago,
00:40:43or so it's thought.
00:40:43by the Greeks
00:40:46and Westphalians
00:40:47was developed
00:40:48by Australians.
00:40:58That's called
00:40:59a hoppy wank.
00:41:01See that fucker,
00:41:02Skippy.
00:41:02he used to
00:41:05fucking bug me.
00:41:08The way used to
00:41:09just hop up
00:41:09to the ranger's house
00:41:10and the ranger
00:41:13come out in
00:41:14and go,
00:41:15G'day,
00:41:15Skippy.
00:41:17Nothing else
00:41:17can't be in working.
00:41:18I can't do it
00:41:29if you make me
00:41:30fucking laugh.
00:41:32Where'd you
00:41:32hear that before?
00:41:34Oh, yeah.
00:41:39G'day, Skippy.
00:41:42Out for a hop
00:41:42and Skippy
00:41:45don't have to go
00:41:45and you might
00:41:47go,
00:41:48what,
00:41:48the boys
00:41:48have to fall
00:41:49down the hall
00:41:49about five miles
00:41:49away from here
00:41:50when we get
00:41:50head cut
00:41:50and probably get
00:41:51will you fuck off?
00:41:54I should've got
00:41:54Skippy
00:41:55to take me
00:41:55fucking exams
00:41:56from me.
00:41:58Bud was
00:41:58perfected
00:41:59by Eamon
00:42:00Dunphy
00:42:00into a
00:42:07competition
00:42:08spore
00:42:09wankin'
00:42:13your blues
00:42:14away
00:42:15wankin'
00:42:16your blues
00:42:17away
00:42:17get a grip
00:42:18on your hammer
00:42:18and do it
00:42:19all alone
00:42:20woo
00:42:21well that's a boogie
00:42:22boogie
00:42:22you can get
00:42:23to the promised land
00:42:24the answer's
00:42:25right there
00:42:26in your hand
00:42:27wankin'
00:42:28till the cows
00:42:29come home
00:42:30brilliant
00:42:45now stay
00:42:46with the song
00:42:46it's fucking
00:42:46brilliant
00:42:47well done
00:42:47it's time
00:42:53to get
00:42:53your trousers
00:42:54down
00:42:54Jerry
00:43:00Jerry
00:43:00Jerry
00:43:01Jerry
00:43:01Jerry
00:43:03for fuck's sake
00:43:03I'd have to go
00:43:05downstairs
00:43:05with me fucking
00:43:06trousers
00:43:06to give up
00:43:07with that
00:43:07is it too long?
00:43:09too long
00:43:09Jerry look at my legs
00:43:10try and stay
00:43:13with us soon
00:43:13will you?
00:43:14on the top?
00:43:15no not the top
00:43:15for me waist
00:43:16it's time
00:43:20to get
00:43:21your trousers
00:43:21down
00:43:22they fall
00:43:34the rest of the way
00:43:35lock the door
00:43:37and go to town
00:43:40that fucking
00:43:47football team
00:43:48at it
00:43:48I'm going to have to
00:43:51get rid of one
00:43:51wanker
00:43:52now lads
00:44:05it's important
00:44:09at this stage
00:44:10in your wanking career
00:44:11that you're
00:44:12that you're not
00:44:13caught
00:44:13a lot of guys
00:44:20think when they
00:44:20start to masturbate
00:44:21that the penis
00:44:22is going to be
00:44:22very sensitive
00:44:23it is
00:44:24but it's not
00:44:25half as sensitive
00:44:26as your fucking ears
00:44:27I'm speaking from experience
00:44:42I was caught
00:44:45me dad caught me
00:44:47I'm sitting in the toilet
00:44:48I thought I'd lock the door
00:44:50I hadn't
00:44:51I'm sitting on the toilet
00:44:53bowl
00:44:53looking at the China man
00:44:54strangling the fucking chicken
00:44:57and me dad walked in the door
00:45:02Jesus Christ
00:45:03do you ever notice
00:45:05when you're caught
00:45:05how your Mickey
00:45:06pretends he knows
00:45:07fuck all about it
00:45:08me dad said
00:45:15you go fucking blind
00:45:16I said I'm over here
00:45:18dad
00:45:18where are you
00:45:19you can wipe away a frown
00:45:27just wank your blues away
00:45:31don't worry
00:45:33that you lose your sight
00:45:35make the world seem gay and bright
00:45:38wankers of the world
00:45:42unite
00:45:42wherever they are
00:45:49God love them
00:45:51and wank your blues away
00:45:56wanking your blues away
00:46:02wanking your blues away
00:46:05it's a harmless hobby
00:46:06it's what your right hand's for
00:46:08you can get to the promised land
00:46:12the answer's right there in your hand
00:46:14wanking till the cows come home
00:46:18now like all good programs
00:46:21we take a little ad break here
00:46:22a wank a day
00:46:25helps you work, rest and play
00:46:28wanking your blues away
00:46:30wanking your blues away
00:46:33it's a harmless hobby
00:46:34it's what your right hand's for
00:46:36all you need for masturbation
00:46:40is your knob and your hand
00:46:41and imagination
00:46:42wanking
00:46:43till you just can't wait
00:46:45no more
00:46:52and don't forget
00:46:58to lock
00:47:00to lock the toilet down
00:47:07Oh, yeah.
00:47:27Oh, good God.
00:47:29Well, that was a bit of fun, but the message stays the same.
00:47:32Really do pass it on to the kids.
00:47:33Drugs kill you, so don't fuck about them.
00:47:35I'm just getting warmed up now.
00:47:37This next song is one I wrote back in 92.
00:47:52It has no music.
00:47:57It's called a fucking poem.
00:48:07People are after getting this video now and they're going,
00:48:09I thought they said he was a fucking comedian.
00:48:11He's a fucking magician.
00:48:16Well, it's great to be back in Cork and I love to be back in the city.
00:48:19It's really my second favorite city after the big smoke.
00:48:25Fuck off.
00:48:29We've been away.
00:48:30We've been in America.
00:48:31We've been in England.
00:48:32We've been in England.
00:48:33And don't clap on your own.
00:48:34Somebody throw you a fish.
00:48:41For those of you who have never been to America, let me just tell you, you're missing fuck off.
00:48:47It's a fucking kip.
00:48:50We arrived in New York.
00:48:51I got off the plane in John F. Kennedy Airport.
00:48:53Well, you fucking have to stop there.
00:48:57They put you off the fucking thing.
00:48:59Hey, Baldy, fuck off.
00:49:01I got my bag, went into the airport.
00:49:03Now, this is giving a taste of it.
00:49:05I'm not bothering anyone.
00:49:07I'm minding my own fucking business.
00:49:14These big black fellas.
00:49:17Now, I mean fucking big.
00:49:20They don't make black fellas my fucking size in America.
00:49:24Black fellas are fucking born my size in America.
00:49:27The doctor holds them up to slap them.
00:49:29Fuck off.
00:49:31He's fine, no, he's fine, he's fine.
00:49:35They were fucking huge.
00:49:37And they surrounded me.
00:49:39Yo, hey, hey, yo.
00:49:43Hey, little white boy.
00:49:45I tried to look real hard, you know.
00:49:53What?
00:49:56Yo, little man.
00:49:57Keep going, keep going, man.
00:49:58Keep going.
00:50:00I'm cool.
00:50:04Wanna buy some shit?
00:50:09Fuck off.
00:50:12I brought my own shit with me.
00:50:15I always do.
00:50:22It's a horrible place.
00:50:23They all drive on the wrong side of the fucking road over there.
00:50:27We fucking didn't.
00:50:33You'd have seen the fun we had when we drove a fucking brilliant.
00:50:36And all nice Americans waving at us.
00:50:38Hey, motherfucker.
00:50:40Hello.
00:50:41Can't mean to fault you.
00:50:43Fuck you.
00:50:45Your mama.
00:50:47No, he's the guitar player.
00:50:53They even put the wheel on the wrong side of the fucking car.
00:50:56You're driving like that.
00:50:58I could see fuck off.
00:51:01And I was sitting in the fucking ashtray.
00:51:10You can't park the fucking car.
00:51:12Nobody will help you over there.
00:51:13You're trying to reverse the car in and everything's arseways.
00:51:15And a fellow gone boy says,
00:51:17Excuse me, Jasper.
00:51:21Sorry?
00:51:23Back who's in there?
00:51:26Back you in?
00:51:29Yeah, back who's in.
00:51:32You want me to back you in there?
00:51:34Yeah.
00:51:36Is this a fucking quiz, is it?
00:51:37Do I look like a goddamn car pocket tendin' to you?
00:51:42Bollocks.
00:51:44I said, do you want to fucking walk like my pal?
00:51:53I scared him.
00:51:57They speak, there's some different words over there, really.
00:52:00Honestly, God.
00:52:02You know what we call a roid here?
00:52:04They call it a fuck.
00:52:09I swear.
00:52:11When an American says, fuck you,
00:52:15he fucking means it.
00:52:21I didn't know that.
00:52:22I'm going around with the bars going, well, fuck me.
00:52:35To them, a roid is a lift in the car.
00:52:40Can you imagine some Cork girl?
00:52:43In a nightclub in Cork City.
00:52:45Let's try it again, some American girl.
00:52:47In a nightclub in Cork City.
00:52:48Just about to go home and going,
00:52:50Excuse me.
00:52:51I'm going.
00:52:53Can I give anyone a ride?
00:52:54To be bits of a funny film in four counties.
00:52:55One of the things that's different about them to us is the standard of service.
00:53:12A really big difference.
00:53:13See in New York.
00:53:14In New York, fast food means fucking fast food.
00:53:19You know, over here, fast food tends to mean,
00:53:22If we're in the fucking humor.
00:53:27If we're not too busy.
00:53:30You walk into a coffee shop in New York and walk into a coffee shop in say Dublin.
00:53:34Two different fucking places.
00:53:36Two different kinds of service.
00:53:37In Dublin it's kind of...
00:53:46I don't fucking do that again.
00:53:54Fuck off.
00:54:00Hello?
00:54:03Excuse me.
00:54:04What the fuck do you want?
00:54:05And on me break or are you fucking blind?
00:54:09Jesus, this would be a great business if it wasn't for fucking customers.
00:54:18I'd like a cup of coffee.
00:54:20Would you?
00:54:22I'd like a holiday in fucking Spain.
00:54:25It's a hero, isn't it?
00:54:29It's not like that in America.
00:54:31You walk into a coffee shop in America and they meet you at the fucking door.
00:54:34Hi, sir.
00:54:35My name is Robert.
00:54:39Nice suit.
00:54:40You're nice shoes.
00:54:41You're looking good, sir.
00:54:42Come this way, sir.
00:54:44I'm going, fuck off, Robert.
00:54:47Cannot get into my arse.
00:54:49Fuck off.
00:54:50No, no, if Robert wants to be homosexual, I've no problem.
00:54:53A lot of my friends are homosexual.
00:54:54I'm just not a homosexual.
00:54:55I'm just not a homosexual.
00:54:56No, I could never be a homosexual.
00:54:59I can take pain.
00:55:00I can take pain.
00:55:05Oh, God, no.
00:55:07See, I'm just even thinking about it now and my arse is going .
00:55:11You wouldn't get a Visa card between the cheeks and my arse now.
00:55:13Even the Todd of touching some other fella's Mickey.
00:55:22Oh, Jesus.
00:55:24Oh, it must be fucking horrible.
00:55:26Is it?
00:55:27Is it?
00:55:34Where was I?
00:55:35I was over here.
00:55:38What the fuck was I doing?
00:55:40Getting a cup of coffee in America.
00:55:42You walk into the coffee shop in Dublin and you ask for a cup of coffee, they'll ask you one simple question.
00:55:48Black or white?
00:55:50Simple.
00:55:51You walk into a coffee shop in America and ask for a cup of coffee, they ask you a hundred fucking questions.
00:55:58You nearly have to fill out a fucking form.
00:56:01I said to the guy, can I have a cup of coffee?
00:56:03Ah, sure, sir. You want black coffee, white coffee, cappuccino, hazelnut coffee, Brazilian coffee, Colombia?
00:56:08I said, hold on a fucking second.
00:56:10Give us a glass of fucking water.
00:56:13I said to him, have you got anything to eat?
00:56:16Have I did the D?
00:56:22This fucker thinks he's a jukebox.
00:56:27E.
00:56:29Ah, ah, ah.
00:56:30Have you happened to have fucking E?
00:56:35Does my auntie have teeth?
00:56:42Fuck your auntie.
00:56:44Auntie eat a bit of fucking bread.
00:56:47Oh, he said, you want a bagel?
00:56:48Oh, fuck off.
00:56:51I didn't come over here to eat a fucking dog.
00:56:57He got all annoyed, pulled me over the counter.
00:56:59Hey, motherfucker.
00:57:01This is New York.
00:57:03This is a fucking bagel.
00:57:05I went...
00:57:07I'm from Dublin.
00:57:09That's a fucking loaf.
00:57:10My butt's gone now.
00:57:25Beauty, beauty.
00:57:27Oh, by the way, this is important.
00:57:29There's, uh, no smoking...
00:57:32In the theatre.
00:57:35What are they going to do?
00:57:39Fuck me out.
00:57:43Only kidding.
00:57:45Saw the bounce out here.
00:57:46You wouldn't put me fucking cigarette out.
00:57:47I didn't see her now now.
00:57:54After America, instead of coming home, we went straight to the UK to tour there.
00:57:57No, we didn't.
00:57:58We came home for us.
00:57:59We were home for three days for us.
00:58:00Yeah, I remember that one.
00:58:02Fuck, there was murder.
00:58:03She was like an antichrist.
00:58:05Don't know what the fuck I did.
00:58:08Said to me about, you know, making love last week.
00:58:11I said, yeah?
00:58:12I'm in me noot.
00:58:14I said, yeah?
00:58:16You're in your noot.
00:58:18I said, I usually fucking am.
00:58:21The door goes and you just get up and open the fucking door.
00:58:25I said, I had to. It was Jerry Brill.
00:58:26She said, you didn't have to take me fucking, would you?
00:58:34There's no place now.
00:58:37Anyway, we went on to the UK.
00:58:39I love getting in England.
00:58:40Love it.
00:58:41I really do.
00:58:42They're great people over there.
00:58:43Good fun.
00:58:44We went over on the Sea Cat.
00:58:46The new pussy on waves.
00:58:52They can call it what they like.
00:58:53It's a fucking boat.
00:58:56Jerry hates boats.
00:58:57You want to see him.
00:58:5820 points before you get on the boat.
00:59:01Another 20 on the boat.
00:59:02He's moving in the same direction.
00:59:06But as when we got to Hollyhead, he couldn't stand up.
00:59:08I said, lads, he fucking can't walk.
00:59:10Let him drive.
00:59:14You should have.
00:59:16You should have seen us going down the MI.
00:59:19Up on the bank.
00:59:20Down on the road.
00:59:21Zig-zag.
00:59:22Jerry was fucking brilliant.
00:59:27See the police over there.
00:59:28No fucking sense of humor.
00:59:34They stopped Jerry for fuck all.
00:59:39Came back to the...
00:59:40The policeman came back to the window.
00:59:41Jerry rolled down the window.
00:59:42Yeah.
00:59:44The policeman said, what's your name?
00:59:47Huh?
00:59:48The policeman said, you were all over the fucking road.
00:59:58You're fucking drunk.
00:59:59Jerry said, thanks be the fuck.
01:00:00I thought the saying was gone.
01:00:05Not a smile.
01:00:06Mind you, I haven't said that, you know, I feel sorry for policemen.
01:00:13There are policemen all over the world.
01:00:15I think it's a really tough job.
01:00:16The guards do a really hard job, really well.
01:00:18Imagine having to look after us bastards.
01:00:21I love them.
01:00:24And you don't see some of the guards.
01:00:26They're taking out of villages in the middle of fucking nowhere.
01:00:31O'Connell Bridge Dublin.
01:00:38Keep the peace.
01:00:44Keep the fucking peace?
01:00:46He's looking to keep his fucking uniform for God's sake.
01:00:48We the fella start in Finglas.
01:00:51And the very first week they put him on nights,
01:00:53dropped him in the middle of Finglas village.
01:00:57Said, go on, walk the beach.
01:01:02Where was the beach?
01:01:04From here to the red light, you gobshite.
01:01:07Didn't see the fucker for two weeks.
01:01:09Turned out the red light was in the back of a truck going to Belfast.
01:01:11The guard of Siakana are the best trained policemen in the world.
01:01:27And that's a fact.
01:01:29And they go the extra mile in Temple Mall.
01:01:31They give them a little bit of extra training.
01:01:33Little things.
01:01:34But you know the guard of smile?
01:01:35Well, you must know the guard of smile.
01:01:38It's kind of a smile with a wink at the end of it.
01:01:41It's kind of like that.
01:01:46I'll tell you when you see that smile in action.
01:01:50When you're stopped for speeding.
01:01:51And the policeman comes to the window and says,
01:01:54What speed do you think you are doing?
01:01:5940? 50?
01:02:07That smile means I have you by the bollocks.
01:02:10And he probably fucking has.
01:02:13The guard they always ask you the obvious question.
01:02:16You know when you're stopped at a roadblock?
01:02:18The guard will say to you,
01:02:21Is this your car?
01:02:29No.
01:02:31No, the one behind is mine.
01:02:34Actually, the fellow who's driving mine owns this one.
01:02:37You see, we met down the road and I said,
01:02:39Look, instead of overtaking, why don't we fucking swap cars?
01:02:49Oh, who'd be a guard? God loved him.
01:02:54Coca-Cola.
01:02:56It's gonna cost him five grand.
01:03:03Where was I at?
01:03:05Oh yeah, we were gigging in England.
01:03:08So we went on down to London.
01:03:10And again, I love gigging in London.
01:03:11I think London's a great city.
01:03:12Full of life.
01:03:13And real clever people.
01:03:14Who else do you think of putting trains in the fucking sewers?
01:03:20They call it the tube.
01:03:23The fucking tube.
01:03:25They must all feel like sperm going to work in the morning.
01:03:30They actually come to you and say,
01:03:32Hi, I came on the tube.
01:03:33If you came on the tube.
01:03:38If you came on the tube, would you fucking tell anyone?
01:03:44Not even the constructor.
01:03:48Yeah, London's a great crack.
01:03:50The Cockney accent is hard to get used at first, you know?
01:03:54The Cockney is very fast.
01:03:56You know when you say to a taxi driver,
01:03:58Where's Piccadilly Circus?
01:03:59Well, go down.
01:04:00Please, don't stop.
01:04:01Please, go down.
01:04:02Go down.
01:04:03Go down.
01:04:04All the way.
01:04:05God be going down quickly.
01:04:06Fucking has me.
01:04:12Mind you,
01:04:14I have a bit of a hard neck being from Ireland
01:04:16and slagging accents.
01:04:18We have some collection of accents over here.
01:04:23I love the soft Duny Gall accent.
01:04:25Love it.
01:04:26Daniel O'Donnell.
01:04:30He's one of my heroes, you know?
01:04:33When I grow up, I want to be like Daniel.
01:04:36If I even get a little bit fucking bigger,
01:04:37I want to be like Daniel.
01:04:39I love the way Daniel says hi.
01:04:41After everything.
01:04:43Where are you from?
01:04:44Duny Gall, hi.
01:04:48Where were you gigging last night?
01:04:50In Manchester?
01:04:51Hi.
01:04:55It's nice and soft.
01:04:56The Belfast accent is kind of like that
01:04:58except a bit more,
01:04:59you know, hard.
01:05:00Bit more, you know.
01:05:02How you doing?
01:05:06I'm okay.
01:05:10I love you!
01:05:13I fucking love you too.
01:05:14I fucking love you too.
01:05:20The Dublin accent is nearly this in the,
01:05:22you know, you can't,
01:05:23I don't, listen.
01:05:25See what I mean?
01:05:29You always know when you're talking to a dub
01:05:30because every sentence ends in fuck off.
01:05:33Yeah, listen to them go,
01:05:34I went out,
01:05:35so I came in over to the taxi,
01:05:36and I said, hey, take them over here,
01:05:37you better get in this book.
01:05:39Fuck off.
01:05:40The cavern accent is lovely.
01:05:44I like that nice,
01:05:45soft cavern accent again.
01:05:46But the cavern man likes to repeat himself.
01:05:48Hey!
01:05:50Hey!
01:05:52Heya!
01:05:53You two heroes!
01:05:54Come here, heya, heya, heya.
01:05:56Come here, heya, heya, heya, heya, heya, heya.
01:05:59You, you hero!
01:06:01Yung, flippin' Calvin asked his father for lend the fiber.
01:06:09No, no, no, no, no!
01:06:11No!
01:06:13Fuck!
01:06:14No!
01:06:15No.
01:06:16Yeah, we'll refuse him 55 fucking pound.
01:06:18Again the nice melodious Wicklow accent, hello, welcome to Wicklow, this is my shape, cup,
01:06:40come on cup, you say you gonna share him, no you have to get your own.
01:06:48Listen, what about Cork, I mean I'm okay, I can understand the Cork accent, give me a couple
01:07:03of minutes and I'm tuned in and I'm grand, the rest of the country is okay, but pity the
01:07:07poor fucking Americans, getting off the plane in Cork airport to be met by a demented fucking
01:07:13taxi man, you picked up right there for that, give your bag to Ian, give me the fucking
01:07:25bag man, what the matter boy, you sick yo, let your bag go now come on, come on Ian, come on
01:07:41Yank's trying to get back in the plane, he thinks he has to land him in fucking Japan.
01:07:52One accent I have problems with in Ireland, really can't make a word out of it, is the
01:07:58Chinese.
01:07:59You know when you go into a Chinese takeaway, hell yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't, huh?
01:08:10You choking?
01:08:11No, no, no, I'm serious, everybody's met the Chinese man with a sore finger, you know when
01:08:21you ask for chips in the takeaway, ah, so I figure out.
01:08:26Sorry to hear that, must be an epidemic.
01:08:32But again, you have to feel sorry for the Chinese community in Ireland because they're convinced,
01:08:36you know, that every one of us, right down to the last one of us, they're convinced the
01:08:40Irish are all alcoholics, they don't see us until half 12 until they come into the takeaway.
01:08:58How are you, how are you, Bruce?
01:09:02How are you, Nicky?
01:09:11Ha ha, good to see you, fucker regent.
01:09:19Do you ever go into a takeaway before the pubs close and you're the only one in the place?
01:09:23You walk in, there's your man behind the counter.
01:09:33You go up to the counter, the menu sellotaped to the top of the counter.
01:09:38You go through the menu.
01:09:40You want order?
01:09:44Sorry?
01:09:46You want order?
01:09:48I'm looking at the menu.
01:09:54Oh, okay, yeah, okay.
01:09:56You want menu to take home?
01:09:59I'm fucking loads into my home.
01:10:02Bring the fucking things back.
01:10:09Yeah.
01:10:11When you're looking at the menu, he brings the whole family out to look at you.
01:10:20They all talk Chinese.
01:10:23Nobody speaks English till you get to the till, 4.50 pop.
01:10:27And if you ask for something real quick, say, there must be a big difference between Chinese
01:10:32and English and English.
01:10:34You say, King Prong Cody, he starts drawing little pictures.
01:10:43A bar or fry?
01:10:45Huh?
01:10:46You want fucker, buy rice or fry?
01:10:50Stoic cunt.
01:11:00Floyd, we never get too pushy with him because you just might be talking to fucking Bruce Lee.
01:11:10Now, I just asked for King Prong Cody.
01:11:12It took me a fucking second.
01:11:13He opens a hatch and goes,
01:11:14King Prong fucking Cody.
01:11:33He's giving them the fucking recipe.
01:11:36Or else he's saying, this is the fucker that has all our menus.
01:11:40Shite me, Cody.
01:11:43We give him a hot hole by the morning.
01:11:46Ah, you're coming, yes?
01:11:47Tomorrow, 12 o'clock, you have asshole-like septic eye.
01:11:50Oh, Jesus.
01:11:58God, it's warm in here.
01:11:59Let me just get this off.
01:12:01Fuck off.
01:12:10Don't tell me you never saw fucking muscles before.
01:12:13God, you're jealous bastard.
01:12:21I'll just rearrange the furniture here.
01:12:25Ah, ha, ha, ha!
01:12:27The fucking front row's legs are all crossing.
01:12:31I fucking wish.
01:12:34No, I probably have the sma-
01:12:41I have it!
01:12:42I have it!
01:12:43I have it!
01:12:44I have it!
01:12:45I have it!
01:12:46Hiding behind the fucking hair.
01:12:48Look, he was on a horn.
01:12:49I wouldn't have found it.
01:12:51Now, I don't mind admitting that I probably have the smallest Mickey in this room.
01:13:04And then do the lesbians in that.
01:13:06Doesn't bother me, because I found out that even though it's small, I still do the same
01:13:11things the big boys do.
01:13:12Still piss the same way.
01:13:14We have to stand like that, because the way of our Mickey just topples us over.
01:13:35Chase the cigarette butts down the gully.
01:13:37If there's other fellas in the toilet that I show off, stand there holding it in four
01:13:50fingers.
01:13:51Pissing on three of them.
01:14:00Then they give a little shake.
01:14:02And that's not just me.
01:14:04All fellas do that.
01:14:05All fellas with little ones.
01:14:07Big fellas do that.
01:14:14We have to do that to get rid of the dribbles.
01:14:18Doesn't always fucking work.
01:14:19Especially if you're wearing grey trousers.
01:14:24Shake the fuck out and put them in and he goes,
01:14:26Hey!
01:14:27You bastard, you!
01:14:29All your friends are calling you a spot for the night.
01:14:32Now it's important to get rid of the dribbles.
01:14:36I often wonder how girls get rid of the dribbles.
01:14:42Standing on your hands under the blow dryers.
01:14:49No, cause girls are very different from fellas when it comes to pissing.
01:14:54And I don't mean the obvious difference that girls sit down and we stand up.
01:14:59I don't mean that because I'd never sit down.
01:15:00Never.
01:15:01I'd never have a shine.
01:15:02Not in a public toilet.
01:15:03Never.
01:15:04Well you don't, you'd never seat in the bowl.
01:15:05So you don't sit, you hover.
01:15:06And you have to get the distance just right.
01:15:07Too high you get the splash back.
01:15:08Too low, one slip your arse in the water.
01:15:09Too low, one slip your arse in the water.
01:15:10And you're very different from fellas when it comes to pissing.
01:15:11And I don't mean the obvious difference that girls sit down and we stand up.
01:15:12I don't mean that because I'd never sit down.
01:15:13Never.
01:15:14I'd never have a shine.
01:15:15Not in a public toilet.
01:15:16Never.
01:15:17Well you don't, you'd never seat in the bowl.
01:15:18So you don't sit, you hover.
01:15:19And you have to get the distance just right.
01:15:20Too high you get the splash back.
01:15:21Too low, one slip your arse in the water.
01:15:23There's never a lock on the fucking door.
01:15:33So if you wedge your elbows, get your foot up against the fucking door and try and fucking
01:15:45hover.
01:15:46I'm like that in a toilet in Dublin and the door opened outwards.
01:15:49lying on the floor all straight up me leg and some fella walked in and said hey if you can't handle it
01:15:54don't drink it i don't mean that difference and i don't mean the difference between fellas and
01:16:02girls is the uh approach to pissing i don't mean that because although we have different approaches
01:16:07you know um see to a fella to to a guy the toilet is somewhere to go and have a piss
01:16:16fucking simple it's not like that with girls to a girl to a girl a toilet a community center
01:16:36the social club you never see one girl going for piss on her own
01:16:41now they get up a thing called the piss posse that's where one guy goes oh i have to have a piss
01:16:48and a friend goes don't move mary and deirdre fiona mary come on saddle up we're going for the piss
01:16:57and then like they're stitched together out they go
01:17:02one to piss six to clap well john geirdre never touch the edges
01:17:10have you ever seen a girl going into a disco toilet crying something to behold
01:17:18the whole place comes to a standstill she walks all the way across the floor with a hand over her eyes
01:17:24fucking radar takes her there
01:17:28but she can't go in the door of the ladies before turning around and making a statement
01:17:33will they show you
01:17:39i can't believe
01:17:40i can't believe
01:17:41i can't believe
01:17:42i can't believe
01:17:46fucking bastard
01:17:47and every girl in the disco goes in after her there's always a big fat one at the front
01:18:03what did he say to you i killed the bastard i'm your friend
01:18:09somewhere in the disco there's a bastard looking for the fucking exit
01:18:20he made a silly mistake he thought she had a cold he said would you like to sniff me vic
01:18:31that's not the difference i'm talking about either
01:18:33the difference i'm talking about is the difference between fellas and girls in attitude to pissing
01:18:42let me start with the uh with the fellas
01:18:49fellas are very free pissers we'd piss anywhere
01:18:52another fella's pocket had a football match
01:19:01watch the fucking match
01:19:09we're very open about a piss
01:19:12if you're out for a walk with your girlfriend and you fancy a piss
01:19:14we wouldn't keep it a secret we tell you
01:19:16hang on love i have to have a piss
01:19:27we're very social with pissers
01:19:30just because we're having a piss doesn't mean we'd stop fucking talking to you
01:19:33go on i'm listening yeah go on i hear you go on yeah yeah
01:19:36i fucking hear you will you go on
01:19:38man your mother well your mother's a fucking lunatic i'm telling you
01:19:45oh jesus
01:19:49girls are not like that hurry up with a girl and she gets caught short
01:19:54she just gets fucking paralyzed walking beside you a minute
01:20:08oh mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy
01:20:13oh fuck fuck fuck fuck
01:20:16oh please no please please
01:20:19not these knickers please
01:20:24y'all wait look don't touch me
01:20:31we'd make a sensible suggestion going in behind the bush
01:20:34fuck off
01:20:37behind a fucking bush what you think i am a rabbit
01:20:43was your wearrabble to get me a hole
01:20:46well you can fuck off you prevert
01:20:52well of course you will have to go in behind the bush because you've no
01:20:54fucking choice
01:20:55now see if it was a fella going in behind the bush simple process we walk in
01:20:59zip flip slash shake flap flop gone
01:21:04it's not like that with girls girls do a whole routine
01:21:16you see when the knickers start to come down
01:21:37the head turns into a fucking lighthouse
01:21:55it's not till the knickers get to the knees that the legs will open
01:21:57oh thank you jesus
01:22:06then you do the crab walk
01:22:09you know where you go oh fucking nettles
01:22:11and then you do something that fucking baffles me
01:22:24just before you piss
01:22:25you grab the middle of your knickers and pull them out here
01:22:29like you were going to start launching fucking stones
01:22:32gotcha gotcha gotcha
01:22:34you're like a big fucking tripod
01:22:42and then you just vanish into the steam
01:22:50now lads if you're the unlucky fucker that's on lookout
01:22:54and you want to have a bit of fun
01:22:57wait till you hear the first
01:23:00and go someone come and watch her watch her watch her
01:23:03jesus
01:23:05knickers around the fucking neck
01:23:07a trail of piss up the lane
01:23:09you bastard i fucking drowned it
01:23:13well you should have gone before we left the fucking house
01:23:16ladies and gentlemen welcome the band back on stage
01:23:21what more can i say about the baldy man himself all the way to fingers ladies and gents
01:23:27thank you very very very very much
01:23:36thank you ladies and gentlemen for those of you that have seen the show for the
01:23:40tonight for the very first time i want to thank you for coming along to make your own mind up
01:23:59trying to remember always that we're not up here trying to insult anybody or offend anybody
01:24:02all we're trying to do is make people laugh and fuck you if you can't take a joke
01:24:08if there is
01:24:13if there is anybody out there at all who was offended even in the smallest way
01:24:17i want you to know please from the bottom of my heart that i couldn't give a fuck
01:24:22it's also important you know that we're not one of these bands that walks off the stage waiting
01:24:26for you to go more more more and bring us back on because we've been left off the
01:24:29fucking stage too often
01:24:38goodnight god bless ladies and gentlemen the outrageous comedy show
01:24:50yes
01:24:57yes
01:25:09guitar solo
01:25:39guitar solo
01:26:09My rendezvous
01:26:11At Supercore
01:26:14My rendezvous
01:26:17At Supercore
01:26:19My rendezvous