Tv Drama
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00:00.
00:05.
00:10.
00:15I am looking forward to it, a weekend by the sea, salt air in your lungs, sun on the water.
00:42Sand in your sandwiches.
00:45I refuse to be discouraged by that cynical attitude.
00:48You're looking forward to it just as much as I am.
00:51When I called for you this morning, you were whistling.
00:54Well, I just opened the electricity bill.
00:57Oh, you were happy.
00:58Just not so loud.
01:00Nobody admits to being happy these days.
01:02They'll think I'm weird.
01:05Exercise.
01:06And the world is full of social reformers,
01:08and nothing irritates your social reformer more than finding some damn fool who's happy.
01:13Oh, exercise is all you need.
01:15I don't keep this figure by accident, you know.
01:18There's not a cloud in the sky.
01:20It'll be all right if this weather all seems.
01:21Oh, aye.
01:22We should be able to sit here all weekend in the brilliant sunshine,
01:25waiting for that Gordon to turn up with his blasted minibus.
01:29Now, you take Ivy, for instance.
01:30Now, Ivy is very steady.
01:32Now, you wouldn't catch her doing anything reckless, like being happy.
01:36He'll be here in a minute.
01:40Gordon won't let us down.
01:41The only time I've ever really been let down
01:43is when some fool agreed to stand as my best man.
01:48Hey-ho.
01:50Hey-ho.
01:51Foggy's gone again.
01:54Foggy?
01:55Fog...
01:55Fog...
01:56What is it, Foggy?
01:59Ah, yes, well, no.
02:02I thought so.
02:03Something's missing.
02:04See, I've been running through me mind
02:06an inventory of personnel and effects,
02:07and I am sure there is something missing.
02:10It's that compel.
02:11That's...
02:11What time does he think he's going to get himself here?
02:14Well, I told him, oh, 900 hours.
02:16I mean, I gave him explicit instructions,
02:18written down in simple terms for the average idiot.
02:21Of course, he has to turn out to be an above-average idiot.
02:24In the whole universal complex,
02:26probably my favourite class of people.
02:29Well, if he can't get himself here on time,
02:30I propose we go without him.
02:32You can't abandon the man.
02:34Don't you have to train him?
02:36After all, he is a human being,
02:37life for the use of.
02:39I would like you to know
02:41that you have just won the Norman Clegg Award
02:43for Outstanding Services to Human Lunacy.
02:47Look, we're not going without anybody.
02:49Get yourself in holiday mood.
02:51We're going to enjoy ourselves for a weekend.
02:53Are you sure you locked that back door?
02:55You sent me to lock that back door 33 times.
02:58I was up, been up since 6 o'clock this morning
03:00just locking that back-blasted door.
03:03Yeah, leaving me to do all the packing.
03:05Packing? It's more like unpacking.
03:06You can't take them.
03:07I've got no room for them.
03:08I haven't got an inch of room to spare.
03:10Then she opens her mouth.
03:13I heard that.
03:14And I've been hearing that for the past 30 blasted years.
03:17Now, give it a rest, woman. You're on holiday.
03:18Oh, we are. In fact, Gordon ever gets here.
03:20Boggy, how come you've got all your postcards
03:23before we even get there?
03:26They're cheaper, yeah.
03:29That's a reckless holiday spirit.
03:31I don't intend to be taken for a ride.
03:34Just as well if you're depending on Gordon.
03:36Oh, where the hell is he?
03:39They're all the like, his lot.
03:40They're great useless heaps.
03:42I quite like their Arnold.
03:44Oh, he's just soft in the head.
03:45Well, the older I get, the more I seem to like dozy people.
03:50Mind you, you get a lot of practice round here.
03:53Now, give me a razor-sharp intellect any time.
03:56Oh, I will the minute I find one.
03:59Hey, what's the dozy about there, Arnold?
04:01I'm the one looking married with me eyes closed, aren't I?
04:04I did not wish to imply, Sidney, that you weren't dozy too.
04:08Oh.
04:10That's all right, then.
04:11Good material, Sidney.
04:12If the weather is warm, the sort of person
04:14you could safely go paddling with.
04:17I'm looking forward to seeing that, Max Jaffer.
04:19Paddling? I didn't know he did.
04:21He's coming now. Come and have a look at him.
04:23Hey, where are you going to now? Come on.
04:24That time, too.
04:26Oh, God, just look at him.
04:28Now, why is it he never cuts the sort of figure, you see,
04:31behind a regimental band?
04:33He's more of an elastic band.
04:35There he is, then.
04:37Hey, Sid, get on with that.
04:39Oh, I see him.
04:41I've got my people who travel like that.
04:44Well, no, right on me, Sam.
04:45You wouldn't believe he was the Duke of Devon, she wouldn't.
04:47Oh, or the Duke of Wellington, Mike.
04:49Where are you going with my wellies?
04:51Well, it's a matter of survival, isn't it?
04:52Oh.
04:54Who would need this cardboard box?
04:56I've got my best brown hat in there.
04:58I'll do what you squash.
05:00But this is the sort of rubbish that normal people put out for the dustbins.
05:03I mean, why did you fetch all this for not going on safari?
05:06Look at him, look at him, standing there like a bussy giraffe.
05:12Ah, you can't ruffle my iron self-control.
05:22Pops.
05:23Look at old Twinkle Toes.
05:25Look at his trousers are halfway up his nostrils.
05:28Here, get your hands off my legs.
05:30I'm not going away if it's going to be one of them sort of holidays.
05:33Looks like a ventriloquist dummy, doesn't he?
05:36Well, only when you pull the string.
05:38Cutler gear.
05:39Ha-ha!
05:40Cutler gear!
05:42Well, that's enough of that.
05:43I'm glad to see you've made some sort of effort.
05:45Oh, ta.
05:46You look like a National Health gigolo, but at least you've tried to improve yourself.
05:49Sir.
05:49Yes, I like...
05:51Now, don't touch that!
05:53Now, don't!
05:54Oh, come on!
05:54What are you doing?
05:55Haven't you got a proper handkerchief?
05:57Well, do you want to borrow it?
05:58I've got to be this.
05:59Here we are.
06:00Put it away for him.
06:02Put that away.
06:04It might come in handy if you have to clean a bicycle.
06:10Oh, that is my aftershave.
06:13It's very subtle.
06:14I suppose if you ask for the large size, you'll get a tanker.
06:17That's dead masculine.
06:19It's called biceps.
06:21Smells more like footsteps.
06:23It's an athlete's aftershave.
06:25Yeah, I could imagine they'd have to sprint a bit fast if they were wearing that.
06:28Biceps, which obviously means half of forceps.
06:34That is, a pair of tweezers with only one prong.
06:37Now, that could take a bit of getting used to.
06:40And this is going to take a bit of getting used to, too,
06:42which, of course, explains why it's called biceps.
06:46It doesn't explain why you were late this morning.
06:47I told you, oh, 900 hours.
06:49I get it!
06:50He's up again!
06:50The Führer, he's up again!
06:52This holiday's going to be run on schedule.
06:54I couldn't help it!
06:55I was running around at the last minute trying to find somebody to leave me ferrets with.
07:00Couldn't you have organised a ferret sitter yesterday?
07:03Why didn't you come to somebody who can organise?
07:05I would have applied a tactical brain to the problem.
07:07Well, I honestly leave them with Nora Batty.
07:09But when I went next door, whoop, no, Nora Batty.
07:13It seems they've gone on holiday, you know.
07:14It is a holiday weekend.
07:15People do go away.
07:16They do if the flaming bus ever comes.
07:18Ah, and I see how I visit a nice holiday spirit.
07:22It's nice of you to come.
07:24Oh, give us a kiss.
07:24Come on.
07:26Hey, the bus is here.
07:28Oh, come on.
07:29Hey, Norman, will you bring my case?
07:32I'll take the...
07:32Somebody bring my case, please.
07:34I've got it.
07:35Come on.
07:35You want the stream as well?
07:37Come on, then.
07:37I'll take it off.
07:38Hey, Norman.
07:39I...
07:40Oh, you're facing the right.
07:42Please, sir.
07:43I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:44I'll take it.
07:45I'll take it.
07:46I'll take it.
07:48I hope you lock that back door.
08:14You great prongless folk.
08:17This holiday is going to be run on schedule.
08:20Come on, girl.
08:23I'll take it.
08:24Bye.
08:25Come on!
08:55Come on!
09:25MUSIC
09:30Hey, how far is it to Scarborough now, then? I don't know!
09:33Just a quick one while Gordon touches his hands.
09:36I must say that the landlord looks very smart,
09:40which I take always to be a sign that the beer is going to be a mite untidy.
09:45Ah, it doesn't matter. We're on holiday.
09:50Well, it does matter a little bit.
09:53Seahaven is a superior private boarding establishment,
09:56only a short walk from the beach.
09:58Well, how about a swim every morning before breakfast?
10:01How about it? How about it?
10:03You all right? I've got by myself. Ah, jolly good!
10:06They ain't told me come like that any more. They never did.
10:09Well, I don't know what all the fuss is about.
10:11How we could all do with that healthy glow that comes from a body driven to the limit?
10:16I think they'd like to restrain you, Foggy,
10:18in what to me is one of your most endearing features,
10:21a sustained courageous determination to make a prat of yourself.
10:26That's not nice, is it?
10:28Now, you see what you've done, Norm, you're putting me in a bad temper.
10:31Oh, well, he's a very handsome prat.
10:33Come on, Foggy! Who's going on holiday then?
10:36Little Foggy's going on holiday!
10:39I'll buy you a stick of rock. Ah! I'll buy you a plate of welts then!
10:43Oh, don't carry on like that. You remind me of my Auntie Bluebelt.
10:47Of course, she didn't wear as much scent.
10:50Well, this place seems all right for the Memsavs.
10:52I think it would be a good idea if someone went out and escorted Ivy in for a drink.
10:56That's a second stupid idea he's had in less than a minute.
11:01Maybe it's a gift.
11:02Hey, listen, where's that Gordon gone?
11:05Do you think he's got stuck in them toilets?
11:07Look, if he can drive a bus, surely he can steer his way through that simple operation.
11:12Perhaps he's having trouble with his clutch.
11:14I mean, after all, he must have been out there for about, let's see, about...
11:20There you are.
11:21That's very space-age.
11:23Have you been balancing your payments again?
11:25Our Elders Club, still in a week.
11:27She's in for a nervous Christmas then, isn't she?
11:30How many fizzing nails has it got?
11:31Oh, it's not only a watch, you know. That is a miniature calculator.
11:36How?
11:38I'm not sure about that yet.
11:41What time is it, then?
11:42Well, it's, erm...
11:46If you're a balloonist, it tells you how deep the water is.
11:50That's useful, isn't it?
11:51And it's water-resistant.
11:52Oh, I can see where that would appeal.
11:55Biceps.
12:03Where do you think you're going?
12:05I've tried to keep the beer off me jacket.
12:07Are we going to have this performance all through the weekend?
12:09Are you going to be elbowing me over the weekend?
12:11I'm going to insist on a certain standard of behaviour.
12:13Oh, that's a typical Tory remark.
12:14Well, I've seen nothing.
12:15I don't care.
12:16I don't care.
12:17I don't care.
12:18I don't care.
12:19Excuse the running battle.
12:21Only, er, this gentleman is a stickler for etiquette
12:24and writes for the catering corps Argus.
12:27And this gentleman isn't and doesn't.
12:30Oh, will you have one, landlord?
12:32Not one of them two, I won't.
12:35I did really mean a drink.
12:38He's a bit starchy, isn't he?
12:40What do you expect, the way you carry on?
12:42He's probably spent all his life trying to build up a decent clientele, yeah?
12:46And you walk through the door as though the Public Health Act had never been thought of.
12:49Now, listen, I shall very likely give you a belt round here.
12:51Don't you obey up, Gordon?
12:54About time, too.
12:55Nice toilets.
13:08Well, you can stay here if you like, Gordon, but we're going on to Scarborough.
13:12Yeah.
13:25So you won't behind it.
13:27You are off to the museum, Juliet, but not do it.
13:31Good, times.
13:32Uhm.
13:36You are coming out of the museum.
13:39Or you can sit in here and draw around both sides of the museum.
13:41And that will stand in here again.
13:44Only seal wars aren't up again.
13:46Even crawling背景.
13:49I can only find that map.
13:50I can't live systems just as I mean.
13:53how about that then smell that air fish and chips and then they say there's no poetry in him
14:10yes and it might look peaceful now but the german navy's shelled it you know 1914
14:15ah yes but i should think they'd have finished by now what times i tie
14:19ask the striped gentleman in the short trousers he's got the most informative watch in the world
14:26oh look your gordon's made friends already
14:49oh
14:56oh
15:00oh
15:04oh
15:08oh
15:12Oh!
15:42Come on, Gordon. Come on, Gordon.
16:05Here we are.
16:07Don't do any training like I do.
16:09No, it's a pull up them stairs.
16:12Five fluttering flights.
16:15Well, at least it's only one flight down to the bathroom.
16:19Once the red mist starts clearing from in front of your eyes,
16:24it's quite a nice room.
16:26Well...
16:29I think I'm going to have a rest
16:32and I'm going to tackle them stairs again about Wednesday.
16:36Help! The place is on fire!
16:39No, that's lunch.
16:40You mean lunch is on fire?
16:42It means it's time to eat.
16:44Well, that's a daft way to carry on!
16:46Why don't they shout like anybody else?
16:47Bad man! Walk! Don't run!
16:49Well, it may not be far to the beach,
16:51but it's a perishing long way to the dining room.
16:53Courage. It's downhill all the way.
16:55Yes, well, I thought that was very palatable.
17:05Well, we're still in Yorkshire, aren't we?
17:07It's not as if we've gone abroad
17:09like that damn fool Anderson from Wortley Street.
17:12Where did he go then?
17:14Neverpool.
17:16He said the water was drinkable.
17:19Oh!
17:20Have you finished?
17:33Yeah.
17:34How about a refill, love?
17:36No, thanks.
17:37I haven't time to sit supping tea all day.
17:40Oh!
17:41Oh!
17:42Oh!
17:43Oh!
17:44Oh!
17:45Oh!
17:46Oh!
17:47Oh!
17:48I hope everything was all right.
17:49Oh, yes.
17:50Oh, yes.
17:51Oh, yeah, very good.
17:52We were just seeing how very nice everything was, Mrs. Chafer.
17:56Seldom have we received such service.
17:59Oh, I'm glad.
18:00I wish she'd call me Rose.
18:02Oh, Rose?
18:03I do try.
18:04It's all right now, of course, early season,
18:07but I get very flustered when we're full.
18:09Mabel's a treasure.
18:14She looks as if she's been dug up.
18:22What the devil are you up to?
18:24Well, as we live up the top,
18:26I thought to take a few scraps up for the seagulls.
18:29They don't feed seagulls.
18:30They're like vultures that have your arm off.
18:32Or in your case, your sleeves.
18:34No, and anyway, they've got very primitive internal arrangements.
18:37It'll go straight through them like a drainpipe, you know,
18:40and be deposited in the space that I have mentally reserved
18:43for hanging out my trunks to dry.
18:45Oh, yeah, it's the Gestapo.
18:46What?
18:47Oh.
18:56God!
18:57What?
18:58Does he eat the bones and all?
19:00LAUGHTER
19:01Eh?
19:02Mm?
19:04Mm?
19:06Oh, my.
19:07Oh, God.
19:08Big joke.
19:12My wondered was she haircutется,
19:13and I was Essex?
19:15Let's see theanstalt!
19:16Have plenty left!
19:17Uh-oh!
19:19A littlezy, like,
19:21but just too small.
20:52Why does the sea taste of salt?
20:57I expect they ran out of vinegar.
21:00Oh, it's the mineral content, the wear and tear on the rocks.
21:04You ain't like sliding down a fireman's pool.
21:08Oh, that's something I've always wanted to do.
21:11It must be difficult climbing back up.
21:14I mean, especially if you're shagged out after a fire.
21:17Hey-oh, I think I saw a Winkle.
21:22Don't you know?
21:24Not really.
21:26He would've got in a flash.
21:27Never mind.
21:28They take too much training to make good pets anyway.
21:31What are you talking about, you dozy fur?
21:36Winkle training.
21:39They need a firm hand.
21:41What about affection?
21:42Rubbish.
21:44I've known more Winkle's ruined by overpampering than any other course.
21:49Hey, look.
21:50My shoes are going green.
21:53From outside or in?
21:55Outside.
21:57It must be the rocks.
21:59Oh, that's life, you see.
22:00You start off in the morning full of hope
22:02and by tea time your shoes are going green.
22:07Oh, is that the time already?
22:10Oh, don't bother rolling your sleeve up for our benefit.
22:13We're only here for a weekend.
22:14We're only here for a weekend.
22:44Well, this is very pleasant.
22:49You know, I must confess to a feeling of growing optimism about this holiday.
22:53It wasn't you on the bridge that night, was it?
22:56Steering the Titanic.
22:59I refuse to be discouraged.
23:01Now, things are looking up, you know.
23:02He's been exposed to my civilising influence and it's beginning to pay.
23:06He's been exposed in all sorts of places in his day.
23:08I'm looking forward to seeing his best brown hat.
23:11Now, have you had a peep at his socks lately?
23:16Do you know, I knew there was something I meant to do.
23:18Come on, Foggy, we can't cram everything into the first day.
23:22You might be pleasantly surprised, I was.
23:24You know, I came away firmly convinced
23:26that the only way to make the knights tolerable
23:28would be to banish his socks to the fire escape.
23:30And with that in view, I approached them gingerly
23:33and I turned them over with the sharp end
23:36of my combination ruler and spirit level.
23:38You've got a nerve, Foggy, I'll say that for you.
23:41Only to find that they are brand new and relatively harmless.
23:44And what is more,
23:47his feet are clean.
23:48You don't think he's been sneaking off
23:52and having a paddle?
23:54No.
23:56It's my belief he's been washing them.
23:59The whole world is upside down.
24:02And what is more,
24:03this is the third time tonight,
24:04the third time that he has been down
24:06with his towel to the bathroom.
24:07Are you planning on being there
24:16every time I go into the bathroom?
24:18Oh, I can't promise to be here
24:19every time, Ily, love.
24:21You see, I don't get up too early in the mornings,
24:24but I'll catch up bedtime
24:25with a little bit of luck.
24:26Ah!
24:27Oh!
24:28Hey!
24:30Hey!
24:34Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
24:37shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
24:44Early to bed, early to rise.
24:46Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and bored.
24:57You are waiting to go in there, aren't you, Uncle Bill?
25:00You must be joking, Gordon.
25:03It's much more fun out here.
25:04I'm a stranger in paradise
25:10My passion from Edmund White
25:14The girl with the steamy eyes
25:18Hey, I've got to like it here
25:21There's more going on here than there is at all
25:23He looks like Henry Cooper
25:26Seems a bit like him too
25:28Hey, there's a couple down below
25:30Next door to Gordon, I heard him argue it
25:33I hope you've not been here, Wiggin
25:35No, no, no, I was just passing, you know
25:37You've been just passing quite a lot, haven't you?
25:40How many times have you been to the bathroom?
25:42Oh, well, I just like to sort of get the...
25:44You know, the feel of the place, you know?
25:49Well, you know, a thought has just struck me
25:53What's that?
25:55I think I'll go wash my feet
25:56Come, nay, my prince will come
26:06Oh, no, no, stop
26:11Nora Batty, my own true love
26:20Oh, God, what are you doing here?
26:22I love thee, Nora, I love thee
26:23Don't you come near me?
26:25Have you run away from him?
26:26Have you left him in the lurch?
26:28No, I've left him in the bedroom
26:30Oh, listen to me, listen to me, Nora
26:32Me cup runneth over
26:34Looks as though as yours are spilling out of it
26:36Oh!
26:39Ah!
26:40Ah!
26:41He he he he
26:42You'll be all right tonight, Wally
26:43What's wrong?
26:56Shush
26:56What?
26:57Shush
26:58Shush?
27:00Oh, I was full of shush a moment ago
27:02It really started me off
27:03I keep hearing something
27:05Yes, of course
27:06It's some dozy herb that's saying shush
27:08Listen
27:09There's nothing
27:11You forget I have a trained soldier's reflex
27:15The first crack of a twig
27:16And I'm reaching for my bayonet
27:17Who the hell's going to be cracking twigs up here?
27:21It's haunted
27:22This place is haunted
27:24Unless they've got mice
27:25You mean terrifying
27:27Chain rattling
27:28Risen from the grave
27:30Mice with fangs?
27:31It's all right
27:32If you don't believe me
27:33You just listen
27:34It's in the wardrobe
27:37It's a seagull
27:39What, in the wardrobe?
27:42It's not in there
27:43It's scratching
27:44It just sounds like it's in the wardrobe
27:46Oh, I see
27:47It does impressions, does it?
27:48It throws its voice into the wardrobe
27:49I'll go to sleep
27:51I'm going to investigate
27:52No, Stanley, Stanley, Stanley
27:54I'll do it
27:55I'll do it
27:56I told you
27:59There's nothing there
28:00Call that investigating
28:01Now, now, listen
28:02Listen
28:03Why don't we go for a nice quiet walk along the front?
28:06I bet we could get a seat now
28:08What's he trying to hide?
28:09Very little from this angle
28:10Would you kindly adjust your dress?
28:13They've got inside your box
28:15I don't mind the being in there
28:17I can't enjoy my holiday
28:18If I know
28:19There's some poor, defenseless little creature
28:21Going to be turned out into the cold
28:22You don't want mice romping about
28:24Inside your personal belongings
28:26No
28:26Here
28:27It's his ferrets
28:29He's brought his blasted face
28:31That Henry Cooper
28:33Never goes anywhere with him
28:34No
28:34No
28:34I'm not taking him out there
28:38Nothing like it
28:39I don't care
28:40They're annoyed with him
28:41abge bathed
28:42Big
29:00You're stuck on you
29:02You're stuck on me
29:03Oh, my God.