- 05/06/2025
BRENDON O' Carroll
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00:00:00Hello, my name is Jan O'Sullivan. I'm Mayor of Limerick City. Limerick is a city on the
00:00:07banks of the River Shannon which is of course the largest river in Ireland. It's a very ancient
00:00:12city which received its charter in 1197 so that means we've had mayors now for nearly 800 years.
00:00:18I'm in fact the third female mayor of Limerick and it's a very beautiful city. We've had a large
00:00:23urban renewal program recently so we've had great improvements in the city with a new city
00:00:29hall and we've also preserved our historic monuments for the enjoyment of all of our
00:00:35visitors to Limerick and it's wonderful to have all of you here and you're very very
00:00:40welcome to our fine city which as I said is in the Midwest of Ireland. You're all very
00:00:48welcome to the Theatre Royal. For those of you who haven't seen this show before
00:00:53please be warned this show is rude, is crude, he's that dirty little bastard. While you're sitting
00:01:01comfortable please take note of the fire exits. In the very unlikely event of a fire here are the
00:01:07steps you should take. Big fucking steps out them doors. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the Outrageous Comedy Show.
00:01:17People talk about girls from Spain and girls from California. They might be all right for a night, all right. Don't trust them I warn you.
00:01:36I've been to the east and I've been out west to where the girls all dressed with style. But I haven't seen one come anywhere near the girls from the Emerald Isle.
00:01:44Give me an Irish girl every time. I'm gonna find one I've made of me mine. Give me an Irish girl every time. I want an Irish girl.
00:02:00Give me an Irish girl every time. I'm gonna find one I've made of me mine.
00:02:06In Limerick City there's girls so pretty whose faces don't need painting.
00:02:10Move up north to the Donegal's heart there's a thousand beauties waiting. In Wexford town the girls go round with a come and get me smile.
00:02:18And a Belfast girl with a wave of a call can drive a city man wild. Give me an Irish girl every time. I want an Irish girl.
00:02:38Gans and Cork are the best in the world there is no doubt about it. If you can't put your knee with a rose from Toledo you're better off doing without it.
00:02:48With a double little lass and a touch of glass they're the ones that I like best. Cause when she goes to sleep you can take a peek at the tattoos on her chest.
00:02:56Give me an Irish girl every time. Give me an Irish girl every time. I want an Irish girl. Give me an Irish girl every time. I'm gonna find one I've made of me mine.
00:03:22Give me an Irish girl every time. I want an Irish girl. Give me an Irish girl every time. I want an Irish girl. I want an Irish girl. I want an Irish girl. I want an Irish girl.
00:03:51I want an Irish girl
00:04:21No, we do that every day somebody says to you, hell yeah, you go try and tell them they fucking gone
00:04:28Hell yeah, well I have a bit of a fucking...
00:04:32That's me bollocks
00:04:38It's lovely to be here in the Theatre Royal
00:04:41It's lovely, we got some queer fucking gigs all for the Christmas
00:04:45We do some really weird ones when Christmas comes up, you get the company due
00:04:50For the bank
00:04:53All these bankers, with a B
00:05:00We did the one for the bank in the Burlington Hotel
00:05:02Which was brilliant because it was the first time I was allowed into the fucking Burlington Hotel
00:05:09And it was real posh, they arrived in the black suits and the little dicky bows and their little dicky dicky dickies
00:05:16You know what they call them, dickies
00:05:18Because they wrapped them around pricks
00:05:23And all the girls in lovely...
00:05:26Oh, a few overdrafts in the fucking audience
00:05:31All the girls in the lovely long frocks
00:05:33And I was out the back getting ready for the gig
00:05:36Changing, you know
00:05:38And the girl who runs it, a real posh old shite
00:05:41Comes in, you know
00:05:42And Brenton
00:05:44A real fucking, ugh
00:05:46Piss effity piss flaps or something like that
00:05:51Brenton
00:05:53I said, what?
00:05:55When you go out there tonight trying to remember you're speaking to bank managers and their wives
00:06:01Do you want me to speak fucking slower?
00:06:05No
00:06:09No
00:06:11No
00:06:13No, I didn't mean that
00:06:14No
00:06:15I'm just a bit worried about your Dublin accent
00:06:19I said, fuck off
00:06:22Haven't fucking got one
00:06:23Oh, you do
00:06:25Mind your tongue
00:06:27How do you mind your fucking tongue?
00:06:35Try and speak well when you get home
00:06:37I tried me fucking best
00:06:38And now you'd have been fucking proud of me
00:06:40I walked out real cool
00:06:42Oh
00:06:45Hi
00:06:49You're all very welcome to the Burlington Hotel
00:06:52Ha ha ha ha
00:06:54How's your pussy?
00:06:58That was the fucking end of that
00:07:01The old ones are going, what's a pussy there?
00:07:02Something like your cunt, only smaller there
00:07:09And we got, we did the jockey club deal
00:07:11I love that
00:07:12500 fucking jockeys
00:07:14It's the only gig I was ever in that I was the biggest in the fucking room
00:07:18It was brilliant
00:07:22I walked in
00:07:24I walked in
00:07:25And there's fellas coming up
00:07:26Will you do a request?
00:07:27Fuck off you little bollocks
00:07:30Fucking bring me down to you
00:07:35Oh, what a
00:07:36Oh, come here
00:07:37Do you know the way they say
00:07:38That
00:07:40Animals
00:07:41Get to look like their owners
00:07:45Owners get to look like their fucking animals
00:07:48It's true
00:07:49See that jockey club dude
00:07:50There was women there
00:07:51I swear
00:07:52Looked like fucking share guy
00:07:53There was a woman
00:07:54There was a woman
00:07:55I was wearing me gay
00:07:56You'll see it in the second half
00:07:57I'm wearing me
00:07:58And I was wearing that
00:07:59And this woman came over
00:08:00She thought I was a jockey
00:08:01She moved over and said
00:08:02Excuse me
00:08:03Do you ride?
00:08:04Fuck off, missus
00:08:05Fucking shoot I do
00:08:07She said
00:08:08Do you know the bad breaking stud?
00:08:09I said
00:08:10I am the fucking bad breaking stud
00:08:11I am the fucking bad breaking stud
00:08:12Oh man
00:08:13It was dreadful
00:08:15I'm going to get a drop of coke
00:08:17Fucking use out too early
00:08:21Sorry, it's valid
00:08:22Sorry, excuse me
00:08:23Oh, sorry
00:08:24It's alright
00:08:25I said
00:08:26I have messed up
00:08:27This run
00:08:28I have messed up
00:08:29Then go
00:08:30And then go
00:08:34I have a drunk
00:08:36At that
00:08:37I have out from $400
00:08:42An Eskimo.
00:08:58Somebody's going to slip on that and break that arse.
00:09:09Well, I do hope he's had a nice Christmas.
00:09:14We had a great Christmas at home.
00:09:17We thought this year we'd do something different, you know.
00:09:19So we did.
00:09:20Just for the kids, you know.
00:09:21Bought them fuck all and knocked them in the toilet.
00:09:24Boy, were they fucking surprised.
00:09:28Now Christmas is for the kids.
00:09:29It's for the little kitty-winkle-winkle.
00:09:31Little Gucci girls.
00:09:33Little fuckers.
00:09:34Isn't it a very thin line with kids?
00:09:38Between, you know, he's lovely and I'll fucking kill you.
00:09:46Kids are like farts.
00:09:48You can only just about fucking stand your own.
00:09:51You can kill the farts.
00:09:59Kids have no sense of fair play.
00:10:01They don't know what farts.
00:10:02But sometimes, my young friend now, he's fucking, oh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
00:10:07Sometimes when we get home from a gig, it's six o'clock in the morning and I'm only getting
00:10:10into bed.
00:10:11Doesn't fucking bother him.
00:10:12Seven o'clock, he's awake.
00:10:13If he's awake, everyone's to be awake.
00:10:16Into the bedroom with the crayon and the bit of paper.
00:10:19And he's like, hey, baldy.
00:10:20Hey, baldy.
00:10:21Hey, baldy.
00:10:22I'm saying, shut the fuck up.
00:10:23Leave your mother alone.
00:10:24I'm saying, shut the fuck up.
00:10:25Leave your mother alone.
00:10:32Throw us a picture.
00:10:35Fuck off.
00:10:38Michelangelo didn't get up at seven o'clock in the morning to draw fucking pictures.
00:10:44But they have you by the balls.
00:10:47They know they have.
00:10:48He just goes, give me the fucking thing.
00:10:51Little bollocks.
00:10:53So I drew a little furry animal.
00:10:56Christmas, you know.
00:10:57Put antlers on him.
00:10:59He looks at it.
00:11:00What is it, daddy?
00:11:02Come on.
00:11:07It's not a fucking quiz.
00:11:11I always get one gobshoite in the audience.
00:11:18Things are that fucking weird in the world.
00:11:21He said, no, no, what it is.
00:11:26I said, Santa uses one to pull his sleigh.
00:11:29Honda 50.
00:11:32A rain.
00:11:38What?
00:11:39A rain.
00:11:40I don't know, daddy.
00:11:42Mummy calls daddy one.
00:11:45Somebody else is only have to fucking get it as well.
00:11:52Two years get a prize.
00:11:55Fucked out.
00:11:57I can't remember where I fucking was now.
00:12:02I said, Mummy calls daddy one.
00:12:07And he says, what, a silly bollocks is it?
00:12:10The answer, by the way, is dear.
00:12:14Fiona's not like that.
00:12:16My daughter's not like that.
00:12:17She's lovely and cuddly and warm.
00:12:21See, girls are so different.
00:12:25Any father out there who has girls would know.
00:12:27Girls are fucking lovely.
00:12:28Boys, little, bastards.
00:12:31Fiona loves to pet cats, you know.
00:12:33Danny loves to fucking kick them.
00:12:35Hey, look, you can fly.
00:12:38So would you, fly, kicking the ball, son.
00:12:43Fiona's real cuddly.
00:12:47She wouldn't wake you up now in the mornings if you're having a sleep on.
00:12:50She'd come in and she'd get in beside you and snuggle into you.
00:12:53And, you know, for the heat.
00:12:54And one morning, Saturday morning, I woke up and she's lying there, like, you know.
00:12:58And I go, oh, Jesus.
00:13:00I thought I was getting her mothered in fucking stereo.
00:13:06And she flashes the eyelashes.
00:13:09Hello, daddy.
00:13:12I said, hello, chicken.
00:13:14Daddy, daddy, will you whisper in me ear to where you whisper in mummy's ear?
00:13:19No, I just went fucking...
00:13:23She said, fuck off, I have a headache.
00:13:31They're too quick.
00:13:32They spot every...
00:13:33You can't fucking fool kids.
00:13:35I took Fiona out for a walk.
00:13:36We're out for, uh, Stephen this day.
00:13:38Out for a big meal.
00:13:39We're out for a little walk.
00:13:40And we came across these two dogs.
00:13:42Right?
00:13:43Now, fucking at it.
00:13:47Now, me really fucking at it.
00:13:49The dog on the back had a mallet.
00:13:54And the dog on the front is going...
00:13:59That's dog language for don't mind me crying, Rover.
00:14:01Make me fucking take it.
00:14:03And she saw them and she said,
00:14:09Oh, daddy!
00:14:10What are they doing?
00:14:12And I thought, well, fuck it, she's ten.
00:14:14You know?
00:14:15I'm not fucking telling her.
00:14:18I said, see the dog on the back, love?
00:14:20He has sore paws.
00:14:22And the dog on the front is giving him a lift home.
00:14:32She says to me, isn't it always the same daddy?
00:14:35Yeah, you try to help someone and you end up getting fucked.
00:14:38They're too quick.
00:14:42They're too quick.
00:14:44They're too quick.
00:14:49But I did have it.
00:14:50See, and do you know what?
00:14:51Another thing.
00:14:52I'm 18 years married this year.
00:14:5318 fucking years.
00:14:5418 fucking years.
00:14:57That's the way it goes.
00:14:5818 fucking years.
00:15:01You only get seven for fucking murder.
00:15:06I could have killed her living out 11 fucking years ago.
00:15:15You don't realise 18 years pass.
00:15:16There's one minute you're standing at the yard,
00:15:18the next minute you wake up...
00:15:20Two big red rosy cheeks in your face.
00:15:22Wondering, how the fuck did she get her arse in the pillow?
00:15:31She's there looking at you.
00:15:34I feel pretty.
00:15:36Oh, so pretty.
00:15:41When you're 18 years married to somebody,
00:15:42it's very, very hard to surprise them at Christmas.
00:15:46You know, you don't.
00:15:47I ask now.
00:15:48Here, what do you want for fucking Christmas?
00:15:50She says,
00:15:52Get me something with diamonds.
00:15:55And so I got her a deck of fucking cards.
00:15:59It was fucking cheap.
00:16:06And then the Christmas sales.
00:16:07Oh, fucking sales.
00:16:09I hate them Christmas sales.
00:16:10You know when you're going past the shops
00:16:11and the assistants are outside.
00:16:12Hello.
00:16:14Come on in.
00:16:16Come on.
00:16:18Come in and see how big a fucking idiot you were before Christmas.
00:16:24Fuck off.
00:16:28Christmas is a time when you get drunk
00:16:29and go out and buy presents for people you hate.
00:16:32And you have to give it to them Christmas day when you're sober.
00:16:40This is for you.
00:16:43Gosh, I wasn't expecting you to buy me a present.
00:16:46Neither was fucking I.
00:16:47The fella came out of a pub in Dublin.
00:16:52I fell out the door.
00:16:53Four o'clock Christmas Eve.
00:16:54Drunk as a skunk.
00:16:55Out on the road.
00:16:56Oh, oh, yes.
00:16:58We wish you a Merry Christmas.
00:17:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:17:03Oh, fuck.
00:17:05Better get me Christmas presents.
00:17:09Goes across the road into Paddy's pet shop.
00:17:12Lovely fella behind the counter.
00:17:13Long red hair.
00:17:14Old dresses.
00:17:17Your man's up to the counter.
00:17:19Scooby, Scooby.
00:17:21Yes, can I help you?
00:17:23Yes.
00:17:25Have you got Rambo too?
00:17:28Fuck off.
00:17:30This is a fucking pet shop.
00:17:32Oh, sorry.
00:17:34Have you got a fish collar woman?
00:17:38Go and chase.
00:17:40I know, it was a joke.
00:17:42It was a joke.
00:17:45No, no, seriously.
00:17:47Seriously.
00:17:48Seriously.
00:17:50How much of the wasps?
00:17:56Man, sir, we don't fucking sell wasps.
00:17:59Are you sure?
00:18:00You have one in the window.
00:18:05Are you going to fucking buy something or what?
00:18:08Yeah, yeah, let me think.
00:18:09Let me think.
00:18:11Would you like a hamster?
00:18:12No, no.
00:18:13Only have to have a packet of crisps, thanks.
00:18:19Would you have a budgie?
00:18:21Budgie?
00:18:22Wait till I fucking look.
00:18:24Oh, Jesus, look.
00:18:26Millions of fucking budgies.
00:18:29I wonder how they got fucking in.
00:18:32Blind old bollocks.
00:18:34Oh, yeah.
00:18:35Thought you were a bit big to be a rabbit.
00:18:37He's lovely.
00:18:38The yellow one.
00:18:39I like him.
00:18:40He winked at me.
00:18:41I'll take him.
00:18:42The yellow one?
00:18:43Yeah, okay.
00:18:44I'll get you a yellow one here.
00:18:45No.
00:18:46No, I don't fucking that.
00:18:47Him.
00:18:48Me pal.
00:18:50I'm not going to get the ladder climb, but fuck off.
00:18:51Either take a yellow one from the box or else get out the fuck.
00:19:05If you give me him, I'll pay the same as what I paid for me talkie.
00:19:11Hang on till I get the fucking ladder.
00:19:14Got the ladder up, the ladder into the cage, grabbed the board into a bag, said,
00:19:17Now, there you go.
00:19:19How much you pay for your talkie?
00:19:21He said, one pound, ten a pound.
00:19:23Weigh him.
00:19:29We get drunk, but we're never fucking stupid.
00:19:34Oh, Jesus.
00:19:36Christmas parties.
00:19:37You have to watch for Christmas parties.
00:19:40I went to some hairy fucking parties in my day.
00:19:43I'd say...
00:19:44I remember going to...
00:19:45I never saw so much pussy at a party in my fucking life.
00:19:50Pussy there, pussy, pussy fucking everywhere.
00:19:53No, I didn't get me haul around like that.
00:19:55I didn't get fucking...
00:19:56No, I didn't, no.
00:19:57But I bought loads of Tupperware stuff.
00:19:58It was really nice.
00:19:59Keeping the fridge.
00:20:00Fucking great stuff.
00:20:01Went to a party once where somebody suggested we get all the keys and throw them into the centre.
00:20:05And then close your eyes and pick out the keys.
00:20:08And whenever you pick out, that's what you're stuck with for the night.
00:20:11I ended up in an AA phone box on the fucking nice road.
00:20:15On me own.
00:20:19In party games.
00:20:21I played a game once called Musical Kisses.
00:20:24I don't know if you've ever played it.
00:20:25It's like musical chairs.
00:20:26Everybody's played musical chairs.
00:20:27You know where you put the chairs in a circle.
00:20:29And then you dance around.
00:20:33Like a fucking knee chair.
00:20:35But it doesn't matter because you're fucking drunk, you know.
00:20:38And when the music stops, everybody goes...
00:20:40And someone ends up sitting on the floor.
00:20:43Unless there's a big fat one playing.
00:20:44Then everyone ends up sitting on the fucking floor.
00:20:48Well Musical Kisses is the same.
00:20:50Except the fellas dance around in a circle in the middle.
00:20:57And the girls dance around the outside.
00:21:04And when the music stops, whoever you're facing...
00:21:07You kiss them.
00:21:08It's fucking brilliant.
00:21:10I'm dancing in the middle like that.
00:21:11And this beautiful girl comes around.
00:21:15Stop the fucking music!
00:21:18Stop it you bastard!
00:21:22And I turn back and she's gone.
00:21:24And there's this yolk there.
00:21:28Godzilla with a fanny.
00:21:33Keep the fucking thing going!
00:21:39When the music stopped, right...
00:21:41And there was this girl...
00:21:42I fucking care what their business.
00:21:50He fucking followed me all night.
00:21:53Cause everyone...
00:21:54Cause she was doing a cartwheel when I grabbed her.
00:21:55No, I wondered about the fucking beard.
00:22:00And the smell of her breath.
00:22:04Dreadful.
00:22:05She followed me for the...
00:22:10I said I'd dance with her, you know.
00:22:11Eventually I said look, I'll dance with you.
00:22:12Well I...
00:22:13She was...
00:22:14She was just about my height, you know.
00:22:15She was just the right size for me.
00:22:16Just...
00:22:17Look that size.
00:22:18When we started dancing.
00:22:20When we finished she was that fucking height.
00:22:21I said what's the fucking height.
00:22:22I said what's the fucking story here?
00:22:23She said I have a wooden leg and you screw me round the wrong way.
00:22:27I was raging.
00:22:28I'm after having a screw and I didn't even fucking know about it.
00:22:29I said to her look, come on, we'll get over here.
00:22:30And we'll go for something to eat.
00:22:31And we went off this little cafe.
00:22:32She thought she was going out with a fucking millionaire.
00:22:34Here she is with the menu.
00:22:35Mmmmmm.
00:22:36Mmmmmm.
00:22:37Mmmmmm.
00:22:38Mmmmmm.
00:22:39Mmmmmm.
00:22:40Mmmmmm.
00:22:41Okay.
00:22:42I said what's the fucking story here?
00:22:43She said I have a wooden leg and you screw me round the wrong way.
00:22:45I was raging.
00:22:46I'm after having a screw and I didn't even fucking know about it.
00:22:50We said to her, look, come on, we'll get out of here, and we'll go for something to eat.
00:22:54We went off this little cafe.
00:22:56She thought she was going out with a fucking millionaire.
00:22:59Here she is with the menu.
00:23:02I guess I'll have a steak.
00:23:04I said, you can fucking guess again.
00:23:06Fuck off.
00:23:08Here, I called the waiter.
00:23:09Here, Jasper, come here.
00:23:11Two bowls of soup and a bread roll for your woman.
00:23:14She broke all the bread, right?
00:23:16And she put it in the soup and she's like a fucking animal.
00:23:24There's people getting up and fucking dancing to it and all.
00:23:29I said, do you remind me of a film's day?
00:23:30She said, you, fucking lassie.
00:23:33Oh, she was fucking dreadful.
00:23:36I said, well, come on, we'll get out of here.
00:23:39I'll take you home.
00:23:40And I'll bring her out.
00:23:42And I said, no, put your knickers on.
00:23:44The pound was for the waiter.
00:23:48We got outside.
00:23:53And trying to wave a taxi, you know.
00:23:55Taxi!
00:23:57Taxi!
00:23:58Hello!
00:23:59Bollocks.
00:24:02Hello!
00:24:03See, I don't know what it's like here.
00:24:05But in Dublin, trying to get a taxi at Christmas is a fucking joke.
00:24:09You know, during the year, it's no problem.
00:24:11You put your hand up, the taxi stops.
00:24:12You get into the taxi.
00:24:13You tell him where you want to go.
00:24:14He fucking takes you.
00:24:16You pay him.
00:24:17End of story.
00:24:18Not at Christmas.
00:24:20At Christmas, he pulls up and tells you where he's fucking going.
00:24:24And asks you, do you want to fucking come?
00:24:25He has all these fellas in the taxi from the company, do you?
00:24:32Martin and David.
00:24:34From the bank.
00:24:37And none of these fuckers are going to Fingless.
00:24:41Taxi pulled up with two of these dudes in the back.
00:24:44Hi.
00:24:45Would you like to share?
00:24:48I said, have you room in the back for a bottle of vodka and two pizzas?
00:24:52Oh, rather.
00:24:55I said, hey, I'm mad.
00:24:58Now, fuck off.
00:25:05Eventually got a taxi.
00:25:10We eventually got a taxi.
00:25:12Got her into the taxi.
00:25:13I never thought of asking her where she fucking lived.
00:25:16I mean, I said, oh, where do you live?
00:25:19Rush.
00:25:20Rush.
00:25:24Fucking rush.
00:25:27Three days fucking camel ride.
00:25:31I've never had a good experience in rush.
00:25:34Sure I did there was a disaster.
00:25:36First time I made love to a girl on the beach.
00:25:38Fucking rush.
00:25:40Disaster.
00:25:40I was going great.
00:25:41Going...
00:25:42She's going, ah, stop, stop, for fuck's sake.
00:25:47I said, what?
00:25:47She said, hold your balls, will you?
00:25:48I said, why?
00:25:51She said, you're flicking sand up me arse.
00:26:02It's not fucking easy.
00:26:03You can feel the grit, can't you?
00:26:20I told the driver, come on, out the rush.
00:26:23And out we got, and I paid him.
00:26:24And we got there with the taxi.
00:26:27And we're in the middle of fucking nowhere.
00:26:28I said, I said, where's the house?
00:26:32Across the field.
00:26:36Across the fucking field.
00:26:40Four o'clock in the fucking morning.
00:26:42And all of a sudden, I'm in Emmerdale fucking farm.
00:26:44We're halfway across the field.
00:26:51And she says to me, there's a bull in this field.
00:26:56I hope he doesn't charge us.
00:26:58I said, so do I.
00:26:58I've only fucking two pounds left.
00:27:06We got to the house.
00:27:08They had a kind of a yard around the house.
00:27:10And the dog wore a fence around it.
00:27:14And, do you want to see her?
00:27:15No fucking problem.
00:27:17Wooden leg or no wooden leg?
00:27:20I fucking wasn't taking any chances.
00:27:25Fuck it, none of my legs are wood.
00:27:30Oh, here, fuck it.
00:27:32I'm getting under the fence and she goes, shh.
00:27:37What?
00:27:38Don't make any noise.
00:27:47We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.
00:27:50No, no, no, please.
00:27:51You'll wake me mummy and me daddy.
00:27:54I said, fuck them.
00:27:56Ah, no, please.
00:27:57Me mummy gets upset.
00:28:00Daddy has a gun.
00:28:05I'll see ya.
00:28:06No, no, you're all right.
00:28:08You'll get a wank off the bull.
00:28:09Thanks, honey.
00:28:13No, come back.
00:28:14No, it's all right.
00:28:15Just be quiet.
00:28:18We went into the house like a fucking commando.
00:28:27I'm going into the front room.
00:28:28I said, I have to go to the toilet.
00:28:29No, don't go upstairs.
00:28:32You'll wake them.
00:28:33Go in the kitchen.
00:28:35Use the seams.
00:28:39Went into the kitchen.
00:28:40About ten minutes later, I put my head out.
00:28:41I said, excuse me, have you got a bit of paper?
00:28:45No, I was only fucking joking.
00:28:49I didn't shit.
00:28:50Fuck off.
00:28:50She did.
00:29:02So anyway, I thought it was time to get down to the business.
00:29:05Sat down on the couch and...
00:29:06Open the blows.
00:29:23Then he opens the whores.
00:29:24Stay fucking easy, will ya?
00:29:39Around the back of the bra.
00:29:40Yeah.
00:29:40You know, fellas are fucking guys.
00:30:06Girls probably don't know this,
00:30:07but you know when the bra comes off,
00:30:09we're real cool.
00:30:11Never look at the tits.
00:30:15Straighten the eyes.
00:30:31The next move every girl knows,
00:30:33suck the ear.
00:30:36Down the neck.
00:30:39when I go left,
00:30:51will I go fucking right?
00:30:54Fucking decisions.
00:30:55I play windscreen wipers.
00:31:03This is the most insecure part of making love for a fella.
00:31:06Why don't you go down below chin height?
00:31:09Because it bothers us.
00:31:11We can't see your fucking face.
00:31:13We don't know what he is there going...
00:31:15You're supposed to be going...
00:31:25But we know you. She's going to be going...
00:31:37Then stay on the tummy.
00:31:46Keep your fucking noise on her all the time.
00:31:51Because you're waiting on the...
00:31:54Fuck it, I knew she'd do that.
00:31:56Every girl has...
00:31:57You know when a girl bends?
00:31:58Right at the belly button, every girl has a little crease right across there.
00:32:01That's the giggle line.
00:32:04If you get down past that, you're fucking laughing.
00:32:15I got the little shitty slickers.
00:32:26I nearly fucking died.
00:32:30Not a fucking hair.
00:32:33I swear, I thought she was after turning over and not fucking telling me.
00:32:39I got a bit of a stardom.
00:32:40Oh, fuck.
00:32:42What? What?
00:32:43I said, you're fucking baldy.
00:32:46So are you, you little bollocks.
00:32:49I said, no, I mean down there.
00:32:51You're having a hair.
00:32:53Not a hair.
00:32:54Listen, do you want to ride or do you want to go fucking greyhound racing?
00:33:00It was terrible.
00:33:07I haven't been at a party like that in years.
00:33:10Eighteen fucking years.
00:33:15To be exact.
00:33:19Marriage is great.
00:33:20I'd recommend it to anybody.
00:33:25Priests.
00:33:30Marriage is nice.
00:33:31It has its ups and downs, you know.
00:33:32You go through all the different anniversaries.
00:33:33You come different stages in your marriage that you remember.
00:33:36Highlights.
00:33:38I had a...
00:33:49And then there's the kids.
00:33:54Oh no, marriage is great.
00:33:55Wait, listen.
00:33:56I don't want to see...
00:33:57I don't like bringing me personal problems to work with me, you know.
00:34:00But fucking...
00:34:01Now listen to this.
00:34:03Now fair is fucking fair, you know.
00:34:06We've come to the stage in our marriage, which a lot of people come to,
00:34:10where we don't want any more children.
00:34:12And that's allowed.
00:34:14You know, put the couple to discuss it.
00:34:17You know...
00:34:19Did she sit in someone's fucking finger?
00:34:21Did she?
00:34:29It's extra for that.
00:34:31No, you know, he would say, darling.
00:34:33Yes, dear.
00:34:35Darling, let's talk.
00:34:36Let's talk.
00:34:38About the family.
00:34:40All right, dear.
00:34:43Let's not have any more children.
00:34:46Oh.
00:34:48No more bonky-bonky.
00:34:50Oh no, Will.
00:34:51Bonky-bonky.
00:34:52Just no more.
00:34:53Ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:34:54Don't push till I tell you.
00:34:59That sounds like a good idea.
00:35:01And they reach agreement.
00:35:04It's not like that in my house.
00:35:06She fucking decides.
00:35:08And tells me.
00:35:10Don't clap on your own.
00:35:11Somebody throw you a fucking fish.
00:35:16You know, I get informed.
00:35:19Here.
00:35:20Midget.
00:35:23Front and centre.
00:35:31Don't you.
00:35:33Come near me.
00:35:35With that fucking ferret.
00:35:40Unless he has his fucking raincoat on him.
00:35:47She wanted me to use the condoms.
00:35:50Use condoms.
00:35:51That sounds like a simple thing.
00:35:52Unless you're 38 years of age.
00:35:54And you grew up in an age where sex was taboo.
00:35:57Ta-fucking-boo.
00:35:58I knew nothing about condoms.
00:35:59And young folks today know all about them.
00:36:00You know.
00:36:01You see them getting ready for their dates.
00:36:02You know.
00:36:03Oh do do do do.
00:36:04Stick a condom in that pocket.
00:36:06Stick a condom in that pocket.
00:36:07One in that fucking pocket.
00:36:08One up my arse in case I got a cop with no clothes on.
00:36:12I knew fuck all about them.
00:36:13I thought.
00:36:14I didn't.
00:36:15I thought you'd get a prescription from your doctor.
00:36:16I didn't know whether you took it before the meal.
00:36:17After the fucking meal.
00:36:18I didn't know.
00:36:19I found out all about them.
00:36:20I found out.
00:36:21I found out.
00:36:22First of all.
00:36:23In Dublin they're not called condoms.
00:36:24They're called Nates.
00:36:25Which is a great name.
00:36:26You know.
00:36:27Can you imagine.
00:36:28Dancing with some girl and saying.
00:36:29In you.
00:36:30You coming back to my place.
00:36:31I'm not going to get my clothes on.
00:36:32I knew fuck all about them.
00:36:33I thought.
00:36:34I didn't know.
00:36:35I thought you'd get a prescription from your doctor.
00:36:36I didn't know whether you took it before the meal.
00:36:37After the fucking meal.
00:36:38I didn't know.
00:36:39I found out.
00:36:40I found out.
00:36:41First of all.
00:36:42In Dublin they're not called condoms.
00:36:43They're called Nates.
00:36:44Which is a great name.
00:36:45You know.
00:36:46Can you imagine.
00:36:47Dancing with some girl and saying.
00:36:48Come back.
00:36:49My place.
00:36:50I don't know.
00:36:51It's okay.
00:36:52I have my maids there.
00:36:53Fuck off.
00:36:54I'm not into a gang bang.
00:36:55And you don't buy them in the chemist.
00:36:56You get them.
00:36:57In Dublin you get them in the Virgin Megastar.
00:36:58Which I thought was ironic.
00:36:59You know.
00:37:00Buying your condoms off a Virgin.
00:37:01If you have an airline called Virgin Airlines as well.
00:37:03But I wouldn't get on any plane that didn't go all the fucking way.
00:37:04That's what it's called.
00:37:05Virgin Airlines.
00:37:06I don't know where they got the fucking name from.
00:37:07Virgin.
00:37:08I've seen the fucking hostesses.
00:37:09Y'all have mattresses strapped at our fucking back.
00:37:10In case they meet somebody different.
00:37:11I don't know where they got the fucking name from.
00:37:12Virgin.
00:37:13I've seen the fucking hostesses.
00:37:14Y'all have mattresses strapped at our fucking back.
00:37:15In case they meet somebody they know.
00:37:16I went in and I got a pocket of a nuclear kilo.
00:37:17And I'm like so sorry.
00:37:18But I didn't get on any plane that didn't go all the fucking way.
00:37:21It's what it's called.
00:37:23It's what it's called.
00:37:25Virgin Airlines.
00:37:27I don't know where they got the fucking name from.
00:37:30Virgin.
00:37:31I've seen the fucking hostesses.
00:37:35Y'all have mattresses strapped to their fucking back.
00:37:37In case they meet somebody they know.
00:37:40I went in and I got a pocket of an airplane.
00:37:45I went in and I got a packet of them, and I brought them home, read the instructions,
00:37:49which is something that kids don't have to do now because they know all about them, in proper order.
00:37:53I had to read the instructions. Now listen, if you get a chance, read the fucking things.
00:37:57Because whoever wrote the instructions for condoms never fucking use them.
00:38:02They're in American.
00:38:04The first one is, keep your condoms in the bathroom.
00:38:10No fucking problem there. We have a bathroom.
00:38:18Outdoor.
00:38:20The second one is, after the foreplay,
00:38:26that comes after the three-play.
00:38:29I'm happy if I can get to the fucking two-play.
00:38:32Go to the bathroom and remove the condom from its container.
00:38:36Now, that sounds real technical, but it's not.
00:38:39All you need is your fingers and your nails...
00:38:42...and your teeth.
00:38:52It's fucking horrible.
00:38:54It's like a two-week-old snot.
00:38:59Oh, fuck.
00:39:04And then it says, then slip the condom onto your member.
00:39:08Now...
00:39:11...I didn't know you had to be a fucking member.
00:39:14I thought anyone could fucking use them.
00:39:17And slip it on.
00:39:19Slip it on.
00:39:21Did you ever try slipping a condom on?
00:39:23I'm there going...
00:39:27As soon as I take me fucking hand off, it goes...
00:39:31I'm using fucking sellotape and all to try and keep the fucking thing on.
00:39:35Have an elastic band at the end of it.
00:39:37Me Mickey's torn and black.
00:39:41And then it says, then splash some cold water onto your scrotum.
00:39:47I wanted a scrotum.
00:39:48She wanted a fucking microwave.
00:39:50I'm in the kitchen splashing cold water onto the microwave.
00:39:56It's doing fuck all for me.
00:39:59I don't think it's doing much with a fucking microwave either.
00:40:02And then it says, then return to the bedroom and complete the sexual act.
00:40:08This is the bit I was fucking waiting on.
00:40:19The poor little fucker.
00:40:21Did you ever look at your Mickey in a condom?
00:40:24It's like a little fucking bank robber.
00:40:29Let me out, you bullets.
00:40:32I'm smothering.
00:40:34With one eye.
00:40:35And a big wart on his head.
00:40:42I didn't know what that wart was for.
00:40:45Jerry told me.
00:40:47You put your toe on it to pull it off.
00:40:54Jerry does anyway.
00:40:57I couldn't use them.
00:40:59I just couldn't.
00:41:00I couldn't.
00:41:00It was horrible.
00:41:01It was like, you know, getting into the bath with Wellington boots on you or something.
00:41:05It felt fucking weird.
00:41:06And I said it to her and she went, right, fuck your right, right.
00:41:10Fuck your right.
00:41:13If you won't do something, I will.
00:41:17I said, well, hey, you put it on them.
00:41:20Not fucking that.
00:41:23Now, this is for the girls.
00:41:24This is for the girls.
00:41:32And you.
00:41:34If you haven't got this, don't get it.
00:41:37And if you haven't, get the fucking thing out.
00:41:38She went and got the ID, you see.
00:41:43The C-U-I-D.
00:41:47The coil.
00:41:50I didn't object.
00:41:51I said, if that's what you want, I'll fucking back you up.
00:41:53I brought her down to DC Exhaust, got her put in.
00:42:00She's up on the ramp for an hour.
00:42:05Two fellas in my coats underneath.
00:42:09Oh, yeah.
00:42:10The back box is fucked under there, yeah.
00:42:13Yeah, that's why she's blowing out, you see, yeah, yeah.
00:42:16Say she's fucking noisy, is she?
00:42:18Oh, yeah, fucking sure.
00:42:19Yeah, I thought that, yeah, yeah.
00:42:21Oh, sure, she's bollocks there, look, look.
00:42:29She got the coil in.
00:42:30She only has it in an hour.
00:42:34I'm at home reading the paper, she walks by me.
00:42:42I said, can we do that again?
00:42:47I said, come here.
00:42:49What?
00:42:51Open your legs.
00:42:52Fuck off.
00:42:54Couldn't be February already.
00:43:00I said, just for a second.
00:43:07She's picking up RT-E2 and her niggers.
00:43:13At night time, we'd be watching television, she crossed her legs.
00:43:16The fucking tele-change channel.
00:43:21We couldn't even go fucking shopping with her.
00:43:25Do you know these new check-outs with the lasers and all that?
00:43:28They're all based on fucking magnets.
00:43:31She's there buying sausages one minute.
00:43:40Next minute, she's her legs around the check-out girl's neck.
00:43:42And it's costed me 300 fucking pounds.
00:43:57Got a bit of fun out of it.
00:44:00Night time we used to get her to sit in the dustbin lid.
00:44:02We used to get Sky Movies.
00:44:04Then they went and fucking scrambled it.
00:44:14But I understand I wanted to do something because everybody needs a break, you know?
00:44:19Especially me.
00:44:20She's very impetuous about sex.
00:44:23Now.
00:44:23Sex.
00:44:23Now.
00:44:24Here.
00:44:24Fucking now.
00:44:26I didn't know about this sex.
00:44:28I was very innocent, you know?
00:44:29I'd be listening to me mates and walking.
00:44:31They'd be all saying,
00:44:32Oh, I threw me leg over there and I had one leg up in the wall.
00:44:34I'd be going home to her saying,
00:44:38I think Paddy's going to have to get in the fucking Lego set.
00:44:45One of the lads brought in the blue movie.
00:44:46I watched it.
00:44:47You want to fucking see them.
00:44:49Nah, nah, nah.
00:44:51Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:44:53Ha, ha, ha.
00:44:54We don't get fucking any of that.
00:44:59I went home and said to her, I said,
00:45:00You know when we're making love at night?
00:45:02Yeah.
00:45:05You should get into it.
00:45:08Ha, ha, ha.
00:45:13Bit of moan.
00:45:16Fuck off.
00:45:19I, I, I, went that night, I said I'd try it, you know?
00:45:27Hey, hey, hey.
00:45:29Hey, sorry, sorry for waiting you.
00:45:36You ready, you ready to go, ready to go, right?
00:45:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:45:39Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:45:43No, moan, moan.
00:45:46Fucking moan, will ya?
00:45:48Fuck off.
00:45:49I lose me page.
00:45:49I said, you could fucking try it, couldn't ya?
00:45:58Ah, what you want me to fucking do?
00:46:01Moan a bit.
00:46:03That ceiling hasn't been painted in four years, the fucking paint's downstairs.
00:46:05You never put the fucking bins out.
00:46:07I'll see yous after the break.
00:46:15Fuckin' flies.
00:46:19Cheers.
00:46:21God bless ya.
00:46:22Well, there you go.
00:46:27Just fix the furniture.
00:46:35I fucking wish.
00:46:36What did you say, you big prick?
00:46:42That's nice.
00:46:43I bet I've been called a little bollocks.
00:46:47No, I don't mind admitting that I probably have the smallest Mickey in this room.
00:46:51And I include the girls in that.
00:46:56I'm used to it.
00:46:57I don't fucking worry about it anymore.
00:47:00Well adjusted.
00:47:00Found out years ago.
00:47:01Found out the hard way.
00:47:06The girl told me.
00:47:09Found out in the third stage of me puberty.
00:47:13Girls didn't always stage at the puberty, did ya?
00:47:16Ha, ha, ha, there is.
00:47:17The first stage of puberty for a man is that morning you wake up with your very first day.
00:47:20Pretty fourth little horn.
00:47:26Oh look, a new toy.
00:47:29You don't know what it is, but you know he's never been up this fucking early before.
00:47:38You don't know what to do with him.
00:47:40Cause nobody gives you lessons.
00:47:43You know, you can't get any book.
00:47:45You know, the A to W of wanking.
00:47:48Have to find out your fucking self.
00:47:51You don't know what to do with him.
00:47:51You're trying to do everything.
00:48:22That moment of discovery.
00:48:37Doesn't take you long to become a fucking expert.
00:48:48One hand in your pocket, something at a bus stop.
00:48:52Excuse me, did the bus come?
00:48:54No, but I did.
00:48:58Did this bus go all the way?
00:49:00No, but I did.
00:49:07That's the second stage.
00:49:09And in the third stage, the hardest stage of all.
00:49:13That's trying to get a girl to touch her for you.
00:49:14It's dreadful.
00:49:17That's when I found out I had a small one.
00:49:21Lots of my friends used...
00:49:22I had some fucking great tricks to get a girl to...
00:49:26A friend of mine took a girl to the pictures.
00:49:29And on the way in the door, he bought a packet of crisps.
00:49:32And he opened the crisps.
00:49:34And on the way to their seats, he emptied all the crisps out on the floor.
00:49:36And then he sat down beside her.
00:49:46And then he opened the bottom of the bag.
00:49:47Would you like a crisp?
00:50:04I'd prefer the popcorn.
00:50:06Put your hand in, you might be lucky.
00:50:12I wasn't that clever.
00:50:13I took a girl to the pictures all the way.
00:50:16But I brought her in and I sat down beside her.
00:50:17And I...
00:50:18She was looking at the film.
00:50:19I was looking at the film.
00:50:26You know, I...
00:50:27He's fucking giving up.
00:50:35Take your time, love.
00:50:36Take deep breaths.
00:50:36I like the fella with his eyes.
00:50:43He looks like the fella that taught you to swim, is he?
00:50:46I can see it in his eyes.
00:50:48I swear to God, if I take my finger out, she'll sink.
00:50:57I'm looking at the film.
00:50:58And she's looking at the film.
00:51:02Patience is everything, you know.
00:51:04Timing is the whole...
00:51:05I said, I won't rush it.
00:51:07I'll wait till the time is right, you know, to introduce the beast.
00:51:14I want to talk to the time is right.
00:51:20Steady, boy.
00:51:21Steady.
00:51:26And she was looking at the film like that.
00:51:29And I took her hand.
00:51:35And then, like, it was an accident.
00:51:37I just dropped it on me lap.
00:51:40She went like that.
00:51:45No, I only smoke filter tapes.
00:51:47Thanks very much.
00:51:50Should have seen me trying to put it away in case you tried to fucking light it.
00:51:52It was a big shock at the start, but I got used to it.
00:52:02You do.
00:52:04You know, fucking Joyce.
00:52:06I know I'm well adjusted to it.
00:52:07I don't mind having it.
00:52:08It doesn't matter if I'm having a small one, by the way.
00:52:10I still do what the big boys do.
00:52:13Still pissed the same way.
00:52:14Stand there holding it in four fingers.
00:52:31Pissing on tree.
00:52:32I don't mind.
00:52:32I don't mind.
00:52:44Give it a little shake.
00:52:49That's not just me.
00:52:50Fuck off.
00:52:52All fellas do that.
00:52:54Well, fellas with small ones.
00:52:57Fellas with big ones do that.
00:53:07That's to get rid of the dribbles.
00:53:11I often wonder how girls get rid of the dribbles.
00:53:14Because girls are very peculiar animals.
00:53:40Girls and fellas go to discos for different reasons.
00:53:47Fellas go to dance.
00:53:54What?
00:53:59Fellas love the slow dances.
00:54:01That's not us doing that.
00:54:08That's fucking him.
00:54:12Mind of his own.
00:54:15We're just trying to fucking dance.
00:54:17He's there going,
00:54:18Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:54:20He thinks he's a fucking black and decker.
00:54:22I smell pussy.
00:54:29You think it's bad on you?
00:54:30You want to wear fucking 501s?
00:54:40Mind you, girls.
00:54:40You have a lot to put up with.
00:54:41See, uh,
00:54:43some of the shit you just have to go through.
00:54:46Fellas asking you's up.
00:54:48Where are you going, boy?
00:54:49I can't move.
00:54:53Dance.
00:54:58I'll tell you what,
00:54:59I will if you can fucking pronounce it.
00:55:04Last one, Lance.
00:55:05If you're really, really drunk fellas in Dublin,
00:55:14no, we don't even,
00:55:15we dispense with the small talk.
00:55:23Excuse me.
00:55:26Do you fuck?
00:55:29I suppose I'll have to know,
00:55:31you smooth-talking bollocks, yeah.
00:55:35I've never gone out with a girl,
00:55:44except Dublin girls.
00:55:46Never gone out with a girl outside Dublin.
00:55:47I know, yeah, I regret it now,
00:55:49but what can you fucking do?
00:55:5118 years too late.
00:55:52You're all right, love.
00:55:52You didn't drop it.
00:55:55I was there when you're on your way out.
00:55:56What the fuck?
00:55:57You didn't drop it anyway.
00:56:01You should try shutting fucking up.
00:56:05I've never seen so many beautiful girls
00:56:13in one city as I saw in Limerick,
00:56:14really, honestly, God.
00:56:15The place is full of them.
00:56:16No, no, I'm not just Plum Osnion.
00:56:18Really, it is full of them.
00:56:19And I often regret that 18 years,
00:56:21well, no, I don't regret.
00:56:22I mean, she's fucking gorgeous.
00:56:23She's beautiful.
00:56:24She's listening.
00:56:25You know what I mean?
00:56:32She's out there smiling.
00:56:34And that's because she's deaf
00:56:35and she thinks I'm fucking singing.
00:56:41So is your mother.
00:56:46No, I'm only going out with a...
00:56:48Dublin girls, Dublin girls are really,
00:56:50really peculiar.
00:56:51The younger, the older,
00:56:54it doesn't fucking matter.
00:56:55They don't be fucking well.
00:56:58I think they have fucking worms.
00:57:04It's, you know,
00:57:04it's all about communication,
00:57:06I suppose.
00:57:07You know,
00:57:07they can communicate with each other,
00:57:09but outside of that,
00:57:09nobody understands a word
00:57:10they're fucking same.
00:57:12I suppose it's the same in cock.
00:57:13You know,
00:57:13I hear two cock ears talking
00:57:15having a fucking clue
00:57:15what's going on.
00:57:16You hear,
00:57:17and the other one goes,
00:57:23I don't know what that means.
00:57:29And if you cross the two of them,
00:57:30of course,
00:57:30everything gets fucked up.
00:57:32You know,
00:57:32if you get a Dublin girl
00:57:33working for a cock boss,
00:57:34you know,
00:57:34she puts a heading on,
00:57:35excuse me,
00:57:36can I use your dick to phone?
00:57:37No, fuck off,
00:57:37use your finger.
00:57:41No, it does,
00:57:42it fucks it up.
00:57:44It's all about communication.
00:57:47Dublin girls,
00:57:53you want to hear them talk?
00:57:54There's two of them
00:57:55standing at a bus stop
00:57:56in Dublin,
00:57:58and one of them
00:57:59is testing the Wrigleys.
00:58:00me fucking hair.
00:58:20Didn't there's Marion?
00:58:21Fuck off.
00:58:23I'm eating me fucking fringe.
00:58:26Oh, fucker.
00:58:27I'm eating you fucking
00:58:40I'm eating you fucking
00:58:45I'm eating you fucking
00:58:49Marion, what the fuck's wrong with ya?
00:59:03You missed a great night last night?
00:59:06At the disco?
00:59:09Did I?
00:59:11Fucking tell me about it.
00:59:14I got off for a French fella.
00:59:18Fuck off.
00:59:19I fucking did.
00:59:24Did ya?
00:59:25Yeah.
00:59:25Right.
00:59:26Alright.
00:59:26Right.
00:59:26Fucking right.
00:59:29If he was French, right?
00:59:31What was his name?
00:59:38Crema de Monte.
00:59:41See, you fucking agent, that's a liquor.
00:59:44Do you know him?
00:59:45It's hard to keep track of them.
00:59:53You try and listen to their conversations, you know.
00:59:55And they don't get any better as they get older.
00:59:58Move them up to 40 years of age.
00:59:59Married, settled.
01:00:00No fucking different.
01:00:02Do them in the sitting room in one of their houses.
01:00:04And one of them is knitting the cardigan.
01:00:05The other one is just knitting their eyebrows.
01:00:06And one looks out the window and says,
01:00:10Oh, Margaret, here you go.
01:00:12Here's your Martin.
01:00:13And he has a big bunch of flowers for you.
01:00:15And one says, well, fuck him anyway.
01:00:17That's me on me back for the week with me legs open.
01:00:21And one says, why?
01:00:21If you know Vaz.
01:00:29They don't.
01:00:37Even when they fully mature, 60 years of age,
01:00:40they don't get any fucking better.
01:00:42Two of them, 60 years of age,
01:00:44over in one of the B&I shopping specials to London.
01:00:47They're going around London in the camel hair coats
01:00:49in the headscarves, pulling the trolleys.
01:00:53They go past Peter Max
01:00:54and somebody inside is getting their hair singed.
01:01:03Margaret.
01:01:04What?
01:01:05Do you smell hair burning?
01:01:07Yeah.
01:01:08Slow down.
01:01:14Do you?
01:01:17Do you end up?
01:01:19They end up in Soho.
01:01:30One of them walks into the sex shop.
01:01:34Oh, my Jesus.
01:01:37There's Mickey's hanging all around the place.
01:01:41Oh, I know him from somewhere.
01:01:45Oh, my Jesus.
01:01:45Oh, my Jesus.
01:01:45Oh, my Jesus.
01:01:48Oh, my Jesus.
01:01:50Margaret.
01:01:52Come in, for fuck's sake.
01:01:55They're dead.
01:01:58Come in.
01:01:59Margaret comes in
01:02:04Ask him, ask him
01:02:06I'll fucking ask him
01:02:09Excuse me
01:02:11Excuse me, you me, excuse me
01:02:14I'll fucking ask him
01:02:19You fucking poke me one more time
01:02:22I'll reef you
01:02:22Well not you love, no
01:02:26You can poke away
01:02:29We're looking for the
01:02:34Thing
01:02:36Thingy-ma-jigy-ma-jig
01:02:39Is there a vibrator?
01:02:48No, viby-bray
01:02:50That's still on
01:02:51Lovely stuff
01:02:52Viby-bray
01:02:54Yes
01:02:56We don't know fuck all about them
01:02:59Well he said I can recommend this
01:03:01This is the Braun 2000
01:03:02Detachable heads
01:03:07Detachable fucking heads
01:03:09We could lose a few of them
01:03:11Three speeds
01:03:15Three speeds
01:03:16That'll be great for going up hills
01:03:18That'll be great for going up hills
01:03:18Only 89 pounds
01:03:27How much?
01:03:30My Jesus
01:03:31It's a bit small
01:03:34You wouldn't have to fill up the Philips
01:03:36Slortels and Torbo
01:03:37Would you?
01:03:40Takes diesel
01:03:41He said no, I'm afraid I don't have that
01:03:46And that's a pissy night
01:03:47Doesn't have it, Margaret
01:03:48Doesn't fucking have it
01:03:51That's a nice one there
01:03:53The blue one with the red knob on it
01:03:56The man says that's me fucking flask
01:03:59And
01:04:05We leave
01:04:10Thanks very much
01:04:12And they leave
01:04:14With no vibrator
01:04:15And go back to the hotel
01:04:17And they're in the hotel
01:04:18And Margaret's giving out
01:04:19Yeah, sure
01:04:19They took
01:04:20Why will you be shite?
01:04:2489 pounds
01:04:25With a fucking toothpick
01:04:26Well, we could have had a bit of fun
01:04:31With a
01:04:32Fucking phone
01:04:35I'll give you a phone
01:04:36For less than 89 pounds
01:04:38I tell you, Margaret
01:04:39Give me the phone
01:04:40Here
01:04:41Hello, room service
01:04:44Yes
01:04:46And this
01:04:48This is room 212
01:04:51Could you send up
01:04:53Two cucumbers, please?
01:04:57He said, certainly
01:04:58Would you like them sliced?
01:05:00Fuck off
01:05:01It's funny as we have, love
01:05:03Not fucking slot machines
01:05:04I know a lot about Dublin girls
01:05:26I really do
01:05:27And six sisters
01:05:28And I married a Dublin girl
01:05:30You know, 18
01:05:32Fucking years ago
01:05:33Dublin girls
01:05:37Very hot-tempered
01:05:38Very
01:05:39Fuck off
01:05:40Really
01:05:41They stand smiling at you
01:05:44And they're still smiling at you
01:05:47When it starts
01:05:48When they call you
01:05:49You know
01:05:49You cunt
01:05:51And then they go
01:05:55It's like being married to a fucking werewolf
01:06:02Where'd you go?
01:06:06I remember
01:06:07I remember 18 years ago
01:06:09Getting married
01:06:09Jesus Christ
01:06:10See, drink played a huge part
01:06:12In my marriage
01:06:13She was drunk
01:06:15When I proposed
01:06:16And I was drunk
01:06:18When I
01:06:19When I turned up
01:06:19She wasn't
01:06:21She wasn't impressed
01:06:22She lost a fucking pill
01:06:24I fucking
01:06:25Kill ya
01:06:26Come here
01:06:27Come here
01:06:29She still does it with the kids
01:06:31Come here
01:06:32Can I fucking kill ya
01:06:33Come here
01:06:35I'm there going
01:06:37Me carnation's even wilting
01:06:41You fucking bath
01:06:45One day you couldn't not fucking drink
01:06:48No, I was really cool
01:06:50I just lay there
01:06:50Said fuck all
01:06:51She was busting at the seams
01:06:56Eyes were bulging
01:06:57All bloodshot
01:06:58Face was
01:06:59Veins standing out in her neck
01:07:02You want to fucking see the state of her
01:07:03Priest came out
01:07:04To Mario's
01:07:05He got the fright of his shit
01:07:06And he talked to me and he said
01:07:12Son
01:07:14Fuck off
01:07:17Son
01:07:26Do you take
01:07:30This
01:07:32This
01:07:34To be your lovely weather's wife
01:07:36For better for worse
01:07:39Than sickness and unhealth
01:07:40Till death
01:07:40Do you part
01:07:41From this day
01:07:42Forth with
01:07:43I thought he said
01:07:44A fucking fortnight
01:07:45I looked up
01:07:54I said
01:07:54I do
01:07:55And the priest said
01:07:56Son
01:07:57Take your fucking time
01:07:58I'll ask you again
01:08:01Take your time
01:08:02Look around you for clues
01:08:05And this is a group question
01:08:08You can consult with your friends
01:08:10I had a look around
01:08:14She's there
01:08:14You fucking answer
01:08:16And now
01:08:17Think that fucking frighten me
01:08:20Ha
01:08:20I do
01:08:21And I did
01:08:24And she did
01:08:25And
01:08:25We went into the back
01:08:27Of the church
01:08:28To sign the registry
01:08:29That's a nice bit
01:08:30You know
01:08:31She signed
01:08:31And she signed my name
01:08:33I had no burden
01:08:38And we walked out
01:08:43Into the churchyard
01:08:45To all our friends
01:08:46It's nice that
01:08:47You know
01:08:47First time into the big bad world
01:08:48As
01:08:49As man
01:08:50And
01:08:50And
01:08:51And whore
01:08:52You walk down the oil
01:08:57You have to walk down
01:08:57The music is playing
01:08:58You know
01:08:58Ding
01:08:59Ding
01:09:00Ding
01:09:00Ding
01:09:01Ding
01:09:01Ding
01:09:01She had me in a fucking headlock
01:09:03Ding
01:09:04Ding
01:09:04Ding
01:09:05Ding
01:09:05Ding
01:09:06We got outside
01:09:15And people are throwing confetti
01:09:16And throwing rice
01:09:17And it's fucking lovely
01:09:18Posing for photographs
01:09:20And somebody threw a horseshoe
01:09:21I said to her
01:09:24That's lucky
01:09:24How would you
01:09:25Fucking know
01:09:26I said
01:09:27Hit your mother in the fucking mouth
01:09:28She went
01:09:32Fucking bananas
01:09:33It's lucky
01:09:35It didn't hit me
01:09:36In the mouth
01:09:37I said
01:09:38Will you
01:09:38Fuck off
01:09:39If you want to hit you
01:09:41In the mouth
01:09:41You'd have to throw
01:09:42The whole fucking horse
01:09:42No no no
01:09:44I didn't say that
01:09:45To her face
01:09:46Fuck off
01:09:47No
01:09:49My name is Billy Hunt
01:09:50Not silly cunt
01:09:50No way
01:09:51Set it under me breath
01:09:53And er
01:09:56Got a few photographs taken
01:09:58Went back to the reception
01:09:59And er
01:10:00You know the wedding receptions
01:10:02The wedding receptions are all the fucking same
01:10:04Aren't they
01:10:04You know
01:10:04Every time you go to
01:10:05Same aunties
01:10:06Same uncles
01:10:07Get up and sing
01:10:07You know
01:10:08Auntie Maisie
01:10:09And no one else
01:10:15Can understand me
01:10:16Anything I do
01:10:18You bring me
01:10:22Soap and constipation
01:10:23You lead me to strength
01:10:26You carry on
01:10:28Is that fucking brutal
01:10:30Poor father
01:10:37Was pissed
01:10:37And kept fucking annoying me
01:10:39All day
01:10:39I'd walk over
01:10:40He'd be over after me
01:10:41Here
01:10:42Come here
01:10:43Here
01:10:43Short ass
01:10:44Come here
01:10:44I said
01:10:47What the fuck
01:10:48Is wrong with you
01:10:49No
01:10:50No
01:10:51Man to man
01:10:52Man to man
01:10:53You and me
01:10:55Fucking man to man
01:10:56Are you going
01:10:58Are you going to be a man
01:10:59And do it tonight
01:11:00Or a fucking mouse
01:11:02And do it tomorrow night
01:11:03I said
01:11:04That was a fucking rat
01:11:05I'd done it last night
01:11:06Fuck him
01:11:08Oh he was annoying
01:11:11And drink
01:11:16See receptions
01:11:17It's all fucking drink
01:11:18Isn't it
01:11:18I blame me friends
01:11:19They kept coming up
01:11:20With drinking
01:11:21Here
01:11:21Come here
01:11:21Come here
01:11:22Come here
01:11:23Come here
01:11:23Get a
01:11:23Fucking drink
01:11:24Drink
01:11:25The fucking
01:11:25You're the bollocks
01:11:30Oh fuck
01:11:32Another one
01:11:33Yeah
01:11:33I fucking drank
01:11:36White wine
01:11:37Red wine
01:11:37Champagne
01:11:38Forstenberg
01:11:39Budweiser
01:11:40Carlsberg
01:11:41Guinness
01:11:41Cardi
01:11:42Kiss me
01:11:43Gave
01:11:43Vodka
01:11:43Gin
01:11:44Brandy
01:11:44Every fucking
01:11:46I was having a great time
01:11:47Until I found that I was fucking paying for all this
01:11:49Came time to leave
01:11:56She put on her going away suit
01:11:59I still have it
01:12:00You know
01:12:00Just in case she does
01:12:01And we left the reception
01:12:09She marched out
01:12:10I can't be horny like that
01:12:15I had to walk like that
01:12:18So I wouldn't fucking spill any
01:12:19We got to the honeymoon hotel and she decides to do the lady
01:12:30I'll go in first
01:12:33Give me ten minutes and follow
01:12:37I didn't give a fuck
01:12:43I didn't
01:12:46Fuck it
01:12:46I stayed outside
01:12:48Locked the bike
01:12:50Had a smoke
01:12:51Fuck her
01:12:54She can lock her own bike
01:12:57Now I was really drunk right
01:13:06I went in
01:13:07But I still
01:13:07I was drunk
01:13:08I still know it's the use of making a complete fucking idiot of yourself
01:13:12Up to the hotel reception
01:13:14Hello
01:13:23Hell fucking
01:13:29Oh
01:13:29Fucking customer
01:13:35You ugly fucker
01:13:41Girl over here said
01:13:43When you're finished with the mirror
01:13:44I'll save you
01:13:45Oh fuck
01:13:56Went over to the desk
01:13:59Now can I help you
01:14:00Yes
01:14:01Please
01:14:02Brennan O'Carroll
01:14:04Newlywed
01:14:05Oh she said
01:14:08You must have the bridal
01:14:09I said
01:14:09No thanks
01:14:10No
01:14:10Sure
01:14:10Bear back
01:14:11Thank you
01:14:11I won't fall off
01:14:15I'll be fucking grand
01:14:16Well maybe a bit of rope or something
01:14:18Yeah maybe
01:14:19She told me the room number
01:14:24She may as well have told me
01:14:25I was a fucking Russian ballerina
01:14:26I had no fucking clue
01:14:29What she was talking about
01:14:30I was walking down the hotel for an hour
01:14:32Went through the kitchen three times
01:14:36Hello chef
01:14:38You look familiar
01:14:46Oh hello chef
01:14:48Do you own all the fucking restaurants down here
01:14:52There was a half an hour on the fucking lift
01:14:59I remember the door opened once
01:15:02And the receptionist was looking in
01:15:03And said
01:15:04Excuse me
01:15:04How do you flush this
01:15:05I had a fight with a fucking fire extinguisher
01:15:15Came out of the toilet and bumped into it
01:15:18Come on you fuck
01:15:19Come on you bastard
01:15:21Take your mickey out of your air and say that
01:15:24Come on
01:15:25Come on you fuck
01:15:27I eventually found the room
01:15:34Right now
01:15:35Now
01:15:36I was
01:15:37I was very drunk
01:15:37But it was still my wedding day
01:15:39It didn't change the fact that I wanted to be a fucking macho man
01:15:43So I met
01:15:45I was outside the door
01:15:46I said
01:15:46I was surprised her
01:15:48I'll kick the fucking door down
01:15:53Can't surprise her
01:15:58Especially as he's fucking standing behind her
01:16:01Now I wasn't afraid
01:16:05Because I have the old
01:16:05You know
01:16:06Black belt
01:16:06And the
01:16:07Cardiokey
01:16:08Took a step
01:16:12Ha ha ha
01:16:15Ha ha ha
01:16:20Me balls were halfway up me back
01:16:23I turned the handle and limped in
01:16:26She's lying on the bed waiting for me
01:16:29I could see her
01:16:30She had a see-through negligee
01:16:32I could see her fucking vest
01:16:33I was injured and I was drunk
01:16:42But I knew what I was fucking there for
01:16:44I remember thinking
01:16:46If that fucking bed comes around again
01:16:47I'm getting on it
01:16:48I came around and I took her running jump
01:17:00Straight onto the bed
01:17:00You should have fucking seen me
01:17:04You'd have been proud of me
01:17:06Lest the pig had had fucking nothing on me
01:17:07She was fucking loving it
01:17:16Here she was
01:17:18What the fuck are you kicking for
01:17:23She said you never took me fucking tights off
01:17:25No, no, I was Elena
01:17:36I was a virgin getting married
01:17:40She wasn't a fucking virgin
01:17:43Kept grabbing me around the neck
01:17:45What are you doing?
01:17:47What are you doing?
01:17:48Let me go
01:17:49Let me go
01:17:49I give up for fuck's sake
01:17:52What the fuck is wrong with you?
01:17:59Go, darling
01:18:00Fuck off
01:18:06It's another taking me a fucking hour to get up here
01:18:10That's it, fuck off
01:18:14Brendan O'Carroll tapes or t-shirts
01:18:26How was your hair, you think?
01:18:28And it's yours
01:18:29And it's yours
01:18:30When is Brendan O'Carroll
01:18:31Don't put no wood by
01:18:32When is Brendan coming down?
01:18:33When is Brendan O'Carroll coming down?
01:18:34When is Brendan O'Carroll coming down?
01:18:36Brendan O'Carroll tapes or t-shirts?
01:18:38Fabulous
01:18:40Desperate
01:18:41Desperate
01:18:41What a shit, Waze
01:18:43Wow
01:18:44Wow
01:18:45We're taking him home
01:18:46We're waiting, friend
01:18:47Wouldn't that just give you the horn?
01:18:55Big finish, big finish, big finish
01:18:57Why can't you stop like the fuck?
01:19:10Big finish, big finish
Recommended
55:34
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