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00:00Let's see, Lorraine, what do the spirits have in store for you today?
00:22What? I'm seeing something.
00:25Is it a man?
00:26Well, I'll be darned.
00:27It is.
00:30Do you know, uh, Bill?
00:33No.
00:35How about a Bob?
00:35No.
00:36Jack?
00:37No.
00:38Mike?
00:38No.
00:39You don't know anybody named Mike?
00:40No.
00:44Girl, you gotta get out of the house more.
00:47Lucky for you, I'm running a special on love potions this week.
00:51Oh.
00:52Now, for only $99.95, you can get my special deluxe love kit,
00:57guaranteed to give you a lifetime of matrimonial bliss with a man of your dreams.
01:02Oh, well, take it.
01:04Ooh, smart girl.
01:06And, uh, wouldn't it be worth an extra 20 bucks for him to be faithful?
01:11Definitely.
01:12Now, what you do, Miss Wiesner, is you drink this little bottle of love potion,
01:19then you get naked, and you dance around this little red candle like crazy until you work
01:25up a real good sweat.
01:26Ew, not a pretty picture.
01:33Oh, Renfield, don't be so catty.
01:36W-what?
01:37Oh, I was just talking to the cat.
01:39Uh-huh.
01:40Um, anyway, you do this every night until Mr. Right windsurps into your life.
01:46Oh, Elvira, how can I ever thank you?
01:49Next time, bring cash.
01:51Hello?
01:59Hello?
02:01I'm back.
02:04Come in.
02:07Careful of the step.
02:13Minerva?
02:14What the heck are you doing with that shopping cart?
02:16Oh, don't worry, dear.
02:18I'll send it right back to the store.
02:21Minerva, what have I always told you about exposing yourself?
02:24Oh, dear.
02:25Did I tuck my skirt into my pantyhose again?
02:31No.
02:31I mean exposing your witchcraft.
02:34Come on, you know the rules.
02:36As long as you don't do it in public, you can do it as much as you like.
02:39Or until you need glasses.
02:42Oops.
02:43Too late.
02:44You shut up, you furball, or I'll have you neutered again.
02:50Oh, Elvira, I hate living in the closet.
02:54Look, I don't like it any better than you do, but I'm sick and tired of pulling up steaks just to keep from getting burned at one.
03:01Besides, I like living here in Manhattan.
03:06Oh, yes.
03:08Glamorous Manhattan.
03:09When you told me we were moving to Manhattan, I thought, Broadway, Times Square.
03:15But no, you meant Manhattan, Kansas.
03:19The little apple.
03:21The city that always sleeps.
03:23The main thing is that nobody's caught on to the fact that we're witches, and I'd like to keep it that way.
03:28Okay?
03:32Well, it's not as if we were Siegfried and Roy.
03:36I mean, we can only do a few harmless parlor tricks.
03:40Moving shopping carts, fixing parking meters, switching price codes.
03:44You can switch price codes?
03:45Of course.
03:46Look, I got this family-sized jar of chunky peanut butter for only 25 cents.
03:53Did you get my shaving cream?
03:55I knew I forgot something.
03:57Oh, great.
03:58I'll just spread this on my legs and let the rats chew off the hairs.
04:02Now, can you please take this shopping cart back to the store?
04:07Well, can't I at least ride in it?
04:10Minerva?
04:11I'll push it.
04:12I'll push it.
04:14Oh, Minnie.
04:15Bring back some kitty litter, or you'll be sorry.
04:18Look at you, this machine does everything.
04:24Dried fruits, jalapenos, bridge mix, and pressed meats.
04:27Look at that, Renfield.
04:29A five-tray electric food dehydrator.
04:33Imagine, we could make hundreds of pounds of beef jerking.
04:38Stop, I'm grueling.
04:40Switch it back to Sharon, the fat lady.
04:42I'm coming, I'm coming.
04:53Hold your horseshoes.
04:56Hey there, pretty lady.
04:58Renfield.
04:59Did we order a hunky stud muffin from the home shopping club?
05:05Who is that?
05:05Excuse me, but which one of you is a psychic?
05:11I am.
05:13I have to excuse my aunt.
05:15She's getting senile.
05:16I was going to put her in one of those homes, but you know how they mistreat the elderly.
05:21Okay, you can have him.
05:24I had the insurance salesman.
05:29So, you must be Elvira.
05:32No, I must be dreaming.
05:38And you are?
05:42Chip.
05:43Chip Taylor.
05:44Oh, Chip as in potato?
05:49Bet I can't eat just one.
05:55Walk this way.
05:57Okay.
06:02Dr. Dini-Sailor.
06:12Let's see.
06:14Oh, Chip.
06:16I see big things in your future.
06:23Really?
06:25Yes.
06:26Would you like to see more?
06:29Yes, ma'am.
06:30But, but actually, uh, what I really came here for was, uh, friends of mine told me that you sell love potions and, uh, I'd like to buy one.
06:40How much is it?
06:41I don't know.
06:43How about if I just lip-wrestle you for it?
06:52Minerva, I've got the door!
06:53Mmm, hold that thought, Chip.
06:58Right between your knees.
07:06Oh, put me down for two boxes of chocolate mint and one vanilla cream.
07:10Thanks!
07:16I thought you didn't have to pay till you got the cookies.
07:18Oh, Byron, uh, I can see that you're busy, uh...
07:22Busy?
07:23Whatever gave you that idea?
07:27I'm completely free!
07:28At least for the first three minutes.
07:32Uh, how about if I just come back tonight?
07:36Oh, tonight.
07:37Groovy.
07:38Yeah, I'll come back tonight and I'll give you my happy hour special.
07:41Two, for the prize I won.
07:48Are you still here?
07:50What do you want?
07:51My name is Paige Grayson.
07:54Yeah, so?
07:55I'm your niece.
07:57On my knees?
07:58I ain't getting on my niece for no Girl Scout.
08:02No, no.
08:04I'm your niece!
08:07Autoviral!
08:07Minerva!
08:15Minerva!
08:16Oh, I'll have one chocolate mint and two golden nut clusters.
08:22Minerva, this young lady in the clunky shoes seems to think she's related to us.
08:27You must be Paige.
08:29Oh, darling, I'm your great-aunt Minerva.
08:33Oh, let me look at you.
08:36Oh, my, how you've grown.
08:39But you've never seen me before.
08:42Well, I'm assuming you used to be much smaller, didn't you?
08:48Wait a sec.
08:49Wait a sec.
08:49Who is she?
08:50She's Elvin's child.
08:53But my brother never told me he had any kids.
08:56He didn't know it himself.
08:58He died before she was born.
09:01Her mother disappeared a few years ago in a mysterious boating accident in the Bermuda Triangle.
09:07Poor dear Paige.
09:09She was raised by nuns on a remote island off the coast of Maine.
09:13Now she's come to stay with us.
09:19Well, that just explains everything.
09:20It wasn't until I turned 18 that the sisters warned, uh, told me about you.
09:31This is the first time I've ever been away from boarding school.
09:35Oh, so that's a uniform.
09:38Oh, thank God.
09:39I thought you just had really bad taste.
09:40The sisters taught us not to dress in a way that could tempt men to sin.
09:48Well, let that be a lesson to you, dear.
09:51Never take fashion tips from a nun.
09:58Mother Superior would never approve of that outfit.
10:03Hey, opportunity only gives you knockers once.
10:06Oh, Paige, darling, come.
10:12Sit down and tell us all about yourself.
10:15Yes, what do you like to do for fun?
10:18Well, I like to clean.
10:23Well, then this place ought to be one big non-stop party for you, girl.
10:28I hope so.
10:30I've always dreamed of having a happy, normal family life.
10:33Sunday drives, playing Scrabble by the fire,
10:38setting up a lemonade stand in the front yard.
10:41Oh, and you can be June Cleaver,
10:43and Minerva can be Ward,
10:44and I'll be the beaver.
10:53Oh, Minerva, she's way too straight to be one of us.
10:55You're right.
10:56Sometimes the gift can skip a generation.
10:59We'd better find out.
11:00Okay, but remember, be subtle.
11:03Subtle is my middle name.
11:07So, Paige, when did you consummate your union with the incubus?
11:13Minerva says she always gets constipated when she rides the bus.
11:20Minerva, remind me to make you that appointment with Dr. Kevorkian.
11:23So, Paige, you know, my brother was quite, uh, gifted.
11:31Surely you must have inherited some of his... talents?
11:35Yes, I did.
11:40I can speak Latin and play the accordion.
11:44Where?
11:45Our Lady of Perpetual Polka?
11:47Um, listen, Paige, why don't you just run on upstairs
11:50and take a nice, long, hot bath?
11:53All right.
11:55Oh, if she bloats, she's a witch.
11:57If she drowns, our troubles are over.
12:05Officer Taylor is here to see you.
12:07Show I'm in.
12:11Officer Taylor reporting.
12:12Thank you, Maxine.
12:14That will be all.
12:15Uh-huh.
12:21Hey there, pretty lady.
12:23Don't you pretty lady me.
12:26Ooh, chip.
12:27As in potato?
12:29But I can't eat just one.
12:32Well, I guess I don't have to ask if the wire worked.
12:35Officer Taylor, in case you forgot,
12:37your assignment was to nail her.
12:41Believe me, there is nothing I'd rather do.
12:45Chip, I don't want you going back in there alone.
12:49That love potion she sold Lorraine Wiesner
12:51put her in the hospital.
12:53What if she drugs you
12:54and takes advantage of you?
12:59Yeah.
13:01I mean, no.
13:02Yeah, that would be terrible.
13:04You just remembered, Chippy.
13:06I'm going to be listening to everything
13:08that goes on tonight.
13:09And if you're not out of there by 10 o'clock,
13:13I'm sending in the SWAT team.
13:20Come on, carpet.
13:21Say ah.
13:31Oh, going somewhere, dear?
13:34Very funny.
13:40I've got a date with Chip tonight,
13:41and I plan on getting rug burns
13:42on every square inch of my body.
13:46Okay.
13:47I finished cleaning the oven,
13:49but I'm still waiting for the freezer to defrost.
13:52Oh, you can finish that later, Cinderella.
13:55Right now, you and Aunt Minerva
13:57are going out to have some fun.
13:59So just run on upstairs and change clothes.
14:03I did.
14:06Oh, yeah.
14:07The rubber gloves are a nice touch.
14:10Uh, let's see.
14:12There must be lots of fun things for you guys
14:14to do in this town.
14:16Look!
14:16The future farmers of the Flatlands
14:18are having a cakewalk and corn shucking contest.
14:20That sounds like fun.
14:23Well, actually, I'm rather tired.
14:26Why don't you go shuck yourself, dear?
14:33Minerva!
14:35Okay, okay.
14:36Come, child.
14:37We are going to paint the town gray.
14:40And Minerva!
14:42Ixnay on the adjective in front of age pay.
14:45Yeah, great.
14:46Okay.
14:47Oh, my God.
15:12Oh!
15:12andre hi oh chip i wasn't expecting you so soon and look at me i'm a mess
15:27i thought you looked pretty cute oh that you say that to all the ghouls
15:37sit down and make yourself comfortable
15:39oops can i get you a beverage oh you made a drink oh sure uh well how about that love potion oh chip chip
15:54chip chip chip chip chip chip why would a handsome stud like you need a love potion well sometimes i
16:02have uh you know a problem oh problem oh that kind of problem oh well i think we could fix that with a
16:13little physical therapy that would be great but uh how about the love potion first well okay
16:24i'll get the potion then you get the notion
16:37you know wonder if this is gonna be strong enough i don't know how big his problem is
16:42i know i'll just add a little extra starch
16:56here we are a nice drink
17:02thanks elvira what i owe you oh it's on me and after you drink it you will be too
17:13i'm afraid i'm gonna have to take it to go you see uh i have a date a date uh uh chip no uh
17:19let me see your hand oh oh no chip she's all wrong for you i mean she's all she's all sweaty and
17:25wrinkled and calloused uh take my advice drop her drop her like a hot potato chip
17:32you're making it awful hard on me i have really gotta go uh have the potion back please no why
17:46should i you two-timer hey give me that no give me that no give me that
17:50chip chip are you okay chip
18:01gosh he's hard as a rock well it wasn't about the whole point
18:09think that what's this timber
18:13oh my godzilla he's a policeman what am i gonna do with a big stiff top i beg your pardon
18:25oh oh my god they're back i can't let page see chip like this
18:43hi hi you're back early they ran out of cakes aunt minerva won them all it was incredible
18:51just beginner's luck there's more in the car minerva look at this it's chip my love potion
18:59turned him stiff as a board well wasn't that the whole point he's an undercover cop oh my goodness
19:07you could get the chair for turning him into a table you gotta do something to loosen him up
19:13well um how about a martini and a massage well maybe later but right now i think we ought to do
19:20something about ship wait a minute let me see reverse the spell from this lovely madam i command thee now
19:32up and adam it's working it's working uh-oh i think i put too much up in his atom
19:40boy i know the refrigerator's finished and frosting so i'll have some place to put these
19:49uh what are you doing oh just a little redecorating really here aunt minerva devil's food my favorite
19:59how do you explain this oh page do you know how i like to pick up men
20:11i don't want to believe it but it's true both of you you're witches witches us
20:17it's no use she's on to us okay what are you gonna do turn us in no i just don't want any part of
20:34this i'm leaving well break out the champagne and little friskies that's enough out of you you nasty
20:41old cat page you heard renfield talk yes so only a witch can hear animals thoughts page you're one of
20:52us no no i'm not like you i want to be normal like everybody else i hate being different
21:00but what's wrong with being different look where it's gotten me
21:06no what i what i meant to say is you're the only you you have and if you're not going to be you well
21:13who is going to be you
21:17i don't know i was just trying to make you feel better
21:22i wouldn't be trying if i didn't really care and we do dear very very much
21:29attention this is district attorney lindsey olsen weinward
21:36it's the cops i'm out of here ciao
21:40if officer chiptaker does not come out in one minute we're coming in after him
21:47come and get me you dirty coppers
21:51minerva what is the matter with you nothing i just always wanted to say that
21:56you see what i mean using witchcraft causes nothing but trouble minerva take page and sneak
22:04out the secret tunnel i'm turning myself in into what
22:12just remember page i'm not just doing this for you but for our kind everywhere
22:18and all the other freaks and misfits who dare to be different because if i have to live in a world
22:25where everybody is forced to be the same well they may as well just lock me away because i'll already
22:31be living living in prison
22:42we're coming in no
22:45On Elvira, kiss him.
22:58No, I never kill the man who smokes.
23:02You have to reverse the spell, do it.
23:07Chip!
23:10Oh.
23:13This is a bust.
23:14No, this is a bust.
23:20You're under arrest.
23:22For what?
23:23For selling Lorraine Wiesner a potion that put her in the hospital.
23:26But that was just some plain old herb tea.
23:30Okay, well, a couple of toenail clippings.
23:33Tell it to the judge.
23:36Oh, Elvira, what are you doing?
23:39Oh, probably eight to ten, thanks to you, Lorraine.
23:41Miss Wiesner, I'm glad you're here.
23:45Now you can officially press charges against this woman for poisoning you.
23:49But I wasn't poisoned.
23:51I got pneumonia from dancing around a candle naked.
23:54But I can still arrest her for selling phony love potions.
23:59But the love potion worked.
24:01If I hadn't have been hospitalized, I never would have met my fiancé, Dr. Marvin Zislas.
24:07We just dropped by to say thank you for making Lorraine sick.
24:16It was my pleasure.
24:18But why don't you come back later when I'm not tied up?
24:23No, no.
24:24Get me out of here or I'll sue you for penetrating my civil rights.
24:27Well, let her go.
24:28Let her go.
24:28Chip, how could you have kissed that trash?
24:35Hey, honey, at least trash gets picked up sometime.
24:42Look, Elvira, I'm real sorry about all this.
24:45No hard feelings?
24:47I don't know.
24:49Maybe later.
24:50Would you like another piece of cake, dear?
25:08Ugh, no.
25:09If I have any more cake, I'm going to blow up like a poison dog in the sun.
25:14Paige, this tea is delicious.
25:16What's in it?
25:17Oh, just some things I found in the pantry.
25:20Which things?
25:21Yes, they were.
25:23No, I mean, what's in it?
25:25Oh, it's just herb tea.
25:27Oh.
25:28And some toenail clippings.
25:30Whoa.
25:32No, it was a joke.
25:35I think.
25:39Almost, dear.
25:41But you're learning.
25:43Yeah, before you know it, we'll have you flying around here in a pointy hat and a pointy bra.
25:47Yeah.
25:47Hehehehe!
26:17You