- 21/05/2025
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FunTranscript
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00:31I made a very useful contact yesterday if ever you should be in the market for any offcuts of polystyrene.
00:37I don't know how you do it, Foggy.
00:40Being in the right place at the right time.
00:43Hey, let's pop in and explain our rules to the new librarian.
00:47You wouldn't see a fighting man lurching about as clumsy as that, you know.
00:56No, it's all done on the balls of the feet.
01:00He moves with all the grace of a dislocated elbow.
01:04He's just a child of nature.
01:07Do you think so?
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01:48transferred back here I used to indulge in a little dream that he might have
01:53emigrated or stumbled in the path of an articulated vehicle I'm glad I'll
02:06shang dust is back it's terminology like that that gets us barred from places I
02:13never thought I'd see the day when a Dewhurst was unwelcome at a seat of
02:17learning it nice that old Wainwright recognized you straight away
02:39when you come up here you realize how small a creature man is and you wonder
02:46why you should be standing on other people's feet oh sorry he's got no
02:53control over them wellies they're as soft as an old glove very suitable for wearing
02:58on the feet old gloves you know it's so quiet up here you could hear the rustle of a fag packet being
03:08handed round speaking as an athlete of course I don't approve of cigarettes have a peppermint I don't smoke
03:16peppermint well if you must smoke at all why don't you roll your own like you do your trousers
03:21and I realize you're a socialist but you you could get yourself another pair you don't have to wait for
03:28the council to pull the old ones down and yet no surprise look at the number of ways you can get in
03:34do you think Boggy reckons I'm scruffy it's just that he doesn't look beyond the surface where you are more or less
03:43foul hey Boggy hey Boggy do you reckon I'm scruffy Boggy he's gone again okay now we've got to stand here all day oh well we could go back to town and mend Stuart's leg what again oh well if that's the way you feel about it what do you suggest
03:50well they're always mending Stuart's leg I know I know I know I think it's a challenge
04:20I could have married anyone of six different birds you know in the early twenties I had quite a modest range of choice
04:37during your man's rights to that dinky bird called Watkins well I'm not exactly through that dinky bird called Watkins but we were close
04:46I should have listened to my mother you what nobody had any other choice but to listen to your mother
04:52well she had you Tate Tate she had me roped and tied before I could say no to a piece of fruitcake
04:59oh just look at you what's up you're like a derelict shed
05:07I thought you'd have made something of yourself oh is that all the way you were frowning at me I thought my flies were undone
05:13there is no need to be coarse we can't all be sloven sophisticated you know there isn't enough plates for us both to throw
05:22oh you make me that mad I don't know if I had kids
05:26what makes you think your name's gonna be any better throwing kids
05:28you always have to have the last word
05:31oh hello another male person in overalls no doubt in a desperate hurry to get back to his honest labours
05:38oh no there's no rush love
05:39I bet there's no rush love
05:41take me a notice what can we get for you
05:43I want six feet past you take out and can you fill me flask
05:45what's good fill his feet
05:46don't go pouring boiling tea in that thing until you've shouted down the hole
05:50there might be one of his workmates curled up snugly in the bottom
05:54having himself the English male siesta
05:57you know the one that lasts from nine till five
06:01ten and oldies
06:03yours?
06:05aye
06:06wouldn't have been quicker just to cut your throat
06:08have a go
06:09I wouldn't say that I think you must have nerves of steel
06:12well there's a sense of superiority
06:14aye you deserve a medal
06:16I stopped hitting her you know on moral grounds
06:18when she nearly broke my jaw
06:20we have our good times
06:22if I can get three barley wines down her
06:24it's as if flowers have suddenly started blooming in the desert
06:27there you're five
06:28aye
06:29cheers
06:31we bring greetings from the great white catering public beyond the counter
06:36has Stuart been in yet?
06:38no not yet
06:39Sidney
06:40do you want any off cuts of forest diary?
06:43well if ever you do you would just give me the word
06:47how's your good lady?
06:49depressing
06:50she's a bit temperamental because I won't whoop on the roof
06:53why doesn't she get a weathercock like anybody else?
06:56we've got some slates off
06:58the last big wind
07:00just about sums her up
07:01she's got a nice bust though
07:04well in a roly-poly sort of way you know
07:08personally I thought that last remark came within a hair's breadth of being bad taste
07:12and talking in terms of bad taste
07:14did you know Shag Nast is back?
07:16who?
07:17you remember Wainwright
07:18the left-wing lecherous librarian
07:20he spends his days dreaming of revolution
07:23and his nights dreaming of other men's wives
07:26oh that Wainwright
07:27so to the date you have been warned
07:29I should be so lucky
07:31we're looking for Stuart
07:33how have you got this idea to mend his leg?
07:35what again?
07:36some people have loose slates and some people have loose legs
07:39anyway we welcome a challenge
07:41do you want a cuppa?
07:43not that sort of a challenge
07:48you don't have to refuse my tea as fast as that
07:51at least you can tend to be tempted and think about it
07:54maybe she's big
07:58totally
07:59i'll be there
08:03i'll be there
08:04let me see
08:05yes
08:06er
08:07Oh, Nora Batty, stay for the...
08:18You've never had his hands scratching feverishly at your back kitchen window
08:28when he knows your husband's out.
08:30That's true. I'm sure we would have remembered.
08:32Yeah, I've said some back when I'll be e-night.
08:39One night? Well, it was upside down.
08:42Well, my place still is. Why don't you pop in with a neighbourly feather duster?
08:47Oh, look at them wrinkle stockings.
08:50I'm gonna stop insulting me unless I do something about them legs.
08:58She makes a point very fluently with that handbag.
09:00Yeah, she used to be gay enough as a lass.
09:04I blame her husband. He put her right off, man.
09:08Of course it couldn't be that she finds you scruffy and repulsive.
09:11I don't see why. He's quite smart and she hates him.
09:15No, I just take her on a beat.
09:19Brings a bit of colour into her life.
09:22Sort of muddy brown.
09:26Hey, up! It's Stuart!
09:27I think he knows.
09:30Would you mind not yawping out in the street like that?
09:33Isn't it marvellous? The only thing he never tears is his vocal cords.
09:36I read in the paper
09:37that people who speak soft
09:40are below average in their love life.
09:45Rubbish, is that?
09:46Hello, Stuart! How's the light?
09:54Reservious.
09:56Wildly undisciplined.
09:57Good.
10:02That used to be a knee I could rely on.
10:05It's taken me all over.
10:07Didn't it make any difference
10:08the last time we tried to jerk it straight for you?
10:10Oh, yes.
10:11For three days, I was in intolerable pain.
10:15Right.
10:16So, obviously, traction is not the answer.
10:20Well, if it's only a cartilage,
10:21maybe you should have it operated on.
10:23I'm not having Macpherson cutting me.
10:25He's only just lost his licence.
10:28That were for driving!
10:30Not for surgery.
10:32When he has gate posts half a mile apart,
10:35he still can't miss with a mini-thousand.
10:37I don't feel inclined to let him loose
10:39with a knife inside my knee.
10:41Yet he has this beautiful chalk-striped suit
10:44which must inspire a lot of surgical confidence.
10:47He took our Annie's appendix out.
10:50That's more believable
10:51than anybody taking your Annie out.
10:55She misses the Yanks.
10:57She didn't miss many when they were here.
10:58She could have gone to a ranch in Texas.
11:03So could Ibbotson's pony.
11:05I imagine Texas as a kind of very large quarry.
11:10I'd go there tomorrow.
11:11Can we have that in writing?
11:13Just for a visit.
11:15Oh, yeah, well, it would be for a visit, wouldn't it?
11:16I can't see you fleeing the long arm of national assistance.
11:20Have we come here to discuss my leg, or haven't we?
11:24You are right, Stuart.
11:25We are here primarily on behalf of your leg.
11:28Where does it hurt, Stu?
11:32Yes, show us.
11:32Ah, well, there.
11:35Now, I'll...
11:37It's diagonally across the centre, you see.
11:43Just, er...
11:44Just about there.
11:45Yes, that seems to be it.
11:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:58You see, he's got an extra lump here.
12:00Now, have you got an extra lump here?
12:02No, it's...
12:03It's not as long as I know, no, no.
12:06No, I haven't got an extra...
12:07Have you got an extra lump?
12:08No, no, have you got an extra lump?
12:10No, I haven't got a note, but to tell you what I have got, I've got a harricot vein.
12:17That's a very pretty colour, isn't it?
12:18Yeah.
12:19This may be like an ordnance survey match.
12:21What the hell's going on?
12:22There's a tide coming in.
12:23No, it's just to say that, er, Stuart seems to have this extra lump.
12:28It's just the thing that make my customers feel at ease.
12:31How many caps should have one?
12:32It's not contagious.
12:34No, it's just a simple mechanical...
12:38Treacherous, evil-minded, badly lubricated, mess of board and gristle.
12:45Sorry, curry's off.
12:46Hey.
12:48But I'm going to master it.
12:50Ah, that's a spirit, Stuart.
12:51Can't go through life with an undisciplined leg.
12:54Now, what I want to know is, if this is your left leg, when you turn round, why isn't it your right?
13:02You might consider my frivolous as an observation, but to me, the wonders of existence, I can thrive in such little mysteries as why it's Ivy staring at us through that hatch.
13:14Yes, well, I see there's been another failure in Soviet agriculture.
13:31Yes, they should never have destroyed the cool acts.
13:35Ah, it's the green fly, you know.
13:38It'll be dark by nightfall.
13:39You're never going to find a ladder stuck there.
13:45Well, I've got to see to the customers, haven't I?
13:47Not right up their legs, you haven't.
13:49Hey, Stuart, have a feel of his knee.
13:56Not likely.
13:57Go on.
13:58He's got a loose lump.
14:00Just flunked him out like that.
14:01Well, you watch.
14:02When I press his knee, his mouth opens.
14:04Now, watch.
14:08What's your diagnosis?
14:10Ah, it wants pushing back with a warm teaspoon.
14:15Teaspoon?
14:16Teaspoon.
14:16How warm a teaspoon, Doctor?
14:22No warmer than a fine old burgundy.
14:25And when have you had a fine old burgundy?
14:28Never, but your patient's entitled to a bit of bedside manner.
14:31Doctor?
14:32Yes?
14:32Will you stop the click?
14:34Click?
14:35Click?
14:36Click.
14:36What click?
14:37You've never mentioned a click.
14:39Ah, you didn't say that to come back.
14:40You sure you don't mean a clunk?
14:42No, a click.
14:44Oh, a clunk click.
14:45That would say.
14:46Every time I walk.
14:50Oh, well, we'd better have a listen to this, then.
14:52See, then we might be able to diagnose it better.
14:54Now, Stuart, I want you to walk up and down quite naturally, and we'll listen.
15:00But he clicks, I tell you, he clicks.
15:02We believe you, Stuart.
15:04You look like the sort of man who might easily have a click.
15:07Well, I ought to know if the damn thing clicks.
15:10Yes, well, right there, Stuart.
15:11Now, look, we'll listen to it.
15:12We'll get closer to it.
15:13Now, let's get her some chairs.
15:14We'll sit down.
15:15Now, let's get her some chairs, see?
15:16That's it.
15:17Come on.
15:18There you are.
15:18There you are.
15:20All right.
15:22Now.
15:23Are you all right, then?
15:24No, wait, wait, wait.
15:25Right, go now.
15:26Come to now.
15:27Right.
15:28Right, then.
15:29Come on, come on, get round the end and walk up and down, like I told you.
15:38Come on, Bucko, pull yourself together.
15:39Now, listen.
15:40Yes, all right.
15:48Right, just here to make me go.
15:51What a waste of perfectly good clicks.
15:54My uncle had this leg.
15:56Just the one.
15:58He used to click.
15:59What was it?
16:00Death Watch Beetle.
16:02In his leg?
16:04Mm-hmm.
16:05His wooden one.
16:07I know Sid's cuff, we'll be able to say.
16:10The bijou sophisticated night spot.
16:13We used to go there and listen to Stuart's clicks.
16:15Oh, they don't like clicks like that anymore.
16:19Listen, we'll be able to say.
16:21They're playing our click.
16:23I've made no clicks from Jean-Bee.
16:25That's right.
16:26If you're not interested,
16:28I shall take me clicks somewhere else.
16:31Oh, no.
16:31No, it's all right, Stuart.
16:32We'll kneel down.
16:33Come on, kneel down,
16:34and then Stuart can pass within a fraction of an inch of our ears.
16:38I think ears are very interesting.
16:40Have you ever thought that if they were more square,
16:43how the corners would tend to cut the pillow?
16:45Well, I just thought I'd mention it.
16:53He left it out one night.
16:59Who left what?
17:01His wooden leg.
17:02Me uncle wrote it.
17:05Death Watch Beetle got in.
17:07Pew!
17:08Sawdust all over the bed.
17:10Can we get on now?
17:15Well, this is the last time.
17:16I'm not walking up and down here clicking for you lot all day.
17:19Come on, come on.
17:20Get on, mate.
17:21I'll see you guys.
17:51Clickety-click till I...
17:53Get out!
17:57Women's lip!
17:58You think we need an act of parliament to be the equal of you lot?
18:02Ooh, it makes me poorly.
18:04The only distinguishing factor about the male sex
18:07is that he's got more in his trousers than he's got in his head.
18:12What he's got in his trousers, it can keep for me.
18:21.
18:30.
18:32.
18:35.
18:39.
18:41.
18:42.
18:43.
18:44.
18:45.
18:46.
18:47.
18:48It seems a little less long if you have a decent lunch.
19:13I'll take you to a little place, I know.
19:14I usually bring sandwiches.
19:16Oh, we'll have those at tea time.
19:18You've got a big appetite, Mr. Wainwright.
19:22I'm a man of colossal appetite, Miss Booty.
19:33Hey, you could be lucky, dear.
19:35Come on.
19:36Get out of here.
19:37Come on.
19:38Come on.
19:39Come on.
19:40Come on.
19:41Come on.
19:42Come on.
19:43Come on.
19:44Come on.
19:45That's it.
19:46Get over me.
19:47Put me down.
19:48Put me down.
19:49Put me down.
19:50Put me down.
19:51Get off it, will you?
19:52I can't.
19:53I'm stuck.
19:54It's heavy enough without you swinging about on it.
19:59I didn't expect you to stick it up my jumper, did I?
20:01I didn't expect you to stick it up my jumper, did I?
20:04Close your mouth before it gets wet in there.
20:06Come on.
20:07Up again.
20:08Move!
20:09Oh!
20:10Oh, oh, Minnie!
20:11Minny.
20:12Minny!
20:13Oh, God, now what?
20:14Oh, this is not the highly trained disciplined body of men I'm used to.
20:32Do you think Stuart's trying to tell us something?
20:34Lift! Lift!
20:36Oh, don't wait.
20:52My God, that's heavy.
20:54Hold it still. I'll nip up and have a look.
21:04Watch out!
21:09I am, so don't let go. Don't let go.
21:13Oh, come down, come down.
21:16Let somebody else have a go.
21:19Oh, I hate to see human beings shaking like a jelly.
21:24You look like a breath of springtime, Sydney.
21:27Everything's coming up green.
21:29Hold this ladder, will you?
21:31Don't go swanning off catching cigarettes or scaring cemetery inspectors.
21:34I'll show you how it should be done.
21:36Oh, get on up and let's have less rattle!
21:55Are you showing us?
21:57Hold the ladder, will you?
22:00Oh, did you...
22:01Just hold it still.
22:09What was that?
22:11Did you hear that?
22:13No, no.
22:15See, I... No, I was...
22:17I was doing fine, you see, until I...
22:19until I heard it crack.
22:21You know, it cracked.
22:25No, I...
22:26I distinctly heard it crack.
22:28Crack?
22:29Oh, crack!
22:30Oh, crack!
22:31Oh, crack!
22:32Oh, that sort of crack.
22:33No, it was quite a sharp crack.
22:35Well, there's no sense in being foolhardy.
22:38No.
22:39You're not fooling anybody.
22:41All right, all right.
22:44Now, at this point, the strict dictates of military planning require that we send in reserves.
22:50We'll let Clegg have a go.
22:52Stuart, it's at times like this that us cripples must stick together.
23:00I like to eat where the people eat.
23:17None of this bourgeois rubbish about napkins and a wide list.
23:20I couldn't agree more.
23:22I love the people, Miss Moody.
23:24Oh, so do I.
23:26So do I.
23:30This is delicious tomato ketchup.
23:33It's made locally.
23:34Is it?
23:35I knew we'd have certain things in common.
23:39I'm glad you love the people, too.
23:41How can one not?
23:43After all, we're not barbarians.
23:46You know, I used to dream of leading them into a better society.
23:51Maybe you still come.
23:53There's so much paperwork.
23:56No, a little leadership and initiative and there we are.
24:05Safe as houses.
24:07Now, we take the rope, round the telegraph pole, we chuck the end over the roof
24:11and we attach it to whichever volunteers going up the ladder
24:15and he's got a safety harness.
24:18He can't fall.
24:20Not only that, but a gentle drive forward or reverse
24:25will raise or lower our roof repairer to the exact precise spot he requires to be.
24:30Caracalism is a wasteland in which we search in vain for spiritual values.
24:46Me too.
24:47Have you ever been to Red China, Mr. Wainwright?
24:52No.
24:53Most weekends, I have a rod into Huddersfield.
24:56Perfect, Mr. Safe.
24:59Yeah, well, it reminds me of that cowboy film
25:01where he rode back into town and found that poor devil strong upon a road.
25:05Good round your waist, not round your neck.
25:06Old way!
25:07Old way!
25:08Old way!
25:25What the place is he drawing all around here?
25:31You great useless prawns!
25:34Oh!
25:38That's it now.
25:39That's it.
25:40That's it.
25:41It's a bit in.
25:42That's the way.
25:43Right now.
25:44Up you go.
25:45Oh, come on.
25:46It's quite safe.
25:47Look, I mean...
25:48Remember, you're going to earn yourself a few pounds tax-free.
25:53Oh, come on. It's quite safe. Look, I mean...
26:03Remember, you're going to earn yourself a few pounds tax-free.
26:07Money-grabber.
26:13Go round and tell him to take up the slack. I will.
26:20Go! Go! Go!
26:23Go, Jeff.
26:26Go, Jeff!
26:39Come on.
26:50Come on.
26:51Come on!
27:21Oh, shut up. You're all right.
27:45All right? I'm going up and down like a yo-yo.
27:49I think it suits you, going up and down.
27:52I was scared.
27:54We were thinking about you.
27:56Nobody asked the fool to disappear over the roof.
27:59Huh?
28:00They stopped for a day.
28:02Well, it'll do until you come up with something better.
28:09Nope, he's up again.
28:11Hey, no, but...
28:13Oh, you'll not be laughing when we're attacked by this vicious, drug-crazed motorcycle gang.
28:22Oh, you're right!
28:23What's going on?
28:24Oh, you're right.
28:25Oh, you don't get into the car.
28:26You're right.
28:27Oh, you're right.
28:28Wow, wow, wow, wow.
28:58Wow, wow, wow, wow.
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