- 5/9/2025
The great Joey Diaz takes to the stage for his very first 1 hour special as he tackles topics such as drugs, fights, his wild youth and much more.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00Joey Coco Diaz
00:20I'm a stand-up motherfucking comedian
00:22In a way I've been doing this all my life really
00:25Because sometimes when I get on stage
00:28I just take it back to the delicatessen where I grew up in Jersey
00:31And that's what you did
00:33My hometown, Irby, was fucking funny
00:35So when you had the opportunity to talk
00:37What came out of your fucking mouth better be gold
00:39I started out in a cafeteria at a correctional facility
00:43I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing at the time
00:45I slept in cars
00:46I drove all around this fucking country
00:49So it's been a long journey
00:51It's been 25 years, you know, of trial and error
00:53But you know what?
00:55That ends tonight
00:55Because I got my first one-hour special
00:58And I'm shooting it tonight right here in Chicago
01:01In a windy motherfucking city
01:02And I have never been this fucking excited
01:05So get ready to rock, cocksuckers
01:07Uncle Joey's coming for you
01:09Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joey Diaz
01:14Thank you
01:27Thank you
01:31Thank you
01:33Let me tell you a little story
01:37Hold on, I'm getting anxiety
01:44Hold on one second
01:45When I was like 12, right
01:49I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey
01:52But my mom had a bar in Union City
01:53And it was very Cuban
01:55It was the second biggest Cuban population
01:57In the country behind Miami
01:59Very Cuban arguments
02:00And Santeria
02:01And chickens on the street
02:02And shit
02:03Cuban sandwiches
02:05People smoking cigars
02:06Gambling
02:07And they all had weird names and shit
02:09They all had like a nickname
02:13Like Boyotrita
02:14That means sad pussy
02:15Like shit
02:16Like shit like that
02:18You know, like
02:18Like they were just crazy and shit
02:21So fucking
02:23There was this guy
02:24Willie Bandy
02:25His name was
02:25And when I was a kid
02:26He would come to my mom's bar
02:27And he would always like
02:28He wouldn't threaten me
02:29But he would always say things to me
02:31Like fucked up things
02:32I just didn't pay
02:33He was like 6 foot 4
02:34Thin
02:35Like 180
02:35One of those thin dudes and shit
02:37Real ribbed up
02:38Like Jesus
02:39You ever see
02:39Like
02:40You go to church
02:41Jesus all ribbed up and shit
02:43You know
02:43And he had a bar
02:45It was called
02:46Glutalenteocho
02:47Club 38
02:48And on like
02:49During the week
02:50He had bands and shit
02:51But on Saturdays
02:52He had his own performance
02:53And his claim to fame
02:55As I got older
02:55They told me was
02:56If you ever saw
02:57Godfather 2
02:58When they take
02:59Michael Corleone
03:00To the place
03:01Where they have
03:01The little chick tied up
03:02The human trafficking chick
03:04And they got this Cuban guy
03:05Playing the bongo
03:06Then this guy comes out
03:08With a robe and shit
03:09And he takes off the robe
03:11They don't show it
03:12But the guy's got a big dick
03:13Like a motherfucker
03:14And all these Italians
03:16Like oh my god
03:17That's fucking Superman
03:19And all that shit
03:20That's when Michael finds out
03:22That Fredo betrayed him
03:23You see
03:23That's a pivotal scene
03:25So they don't
03:25You don't focus on the man's dick
03:27But
03:28That was his claim to fame
03:32Right
03:32That fucking
03:34His grandfather
03:35Was the dude
03:36In Godfather 2
03:37So his claim to fame
03:39Was he had a big dick
03:40Like his grandfather
03:41Right
03:41So I didn't fuck
03:42With the motherfucker
03:43Right
03:43I didn't
03:44Like I'd see him
03:44And say hello
03:45And shit
03:45But one night
03:46My dad lent the money
03:48For something
03:48He had to go there
03:48And collect the money
03:49On one of those nights
03:50Where he shows his dick
03:50And stuff
03:51So he goes
03:52You wanna
03:52Do you wanna
03:53Hey God
03:54Do you wanna come in there
03:56And this was fucking surreal
03:58I was like
03:58What the fuck
03:59Is going on here
04:00And I see all these people
04:01With suits on and shit
04:03With cups
04:03That'll be like 200 people
04:05And then the thing
04:06Instead of a comedian
04:06There was like a chick
04:08Tied up
04:08Right
04:08Like
04:09Adios
04:10And she was like
04:10And they had like
04:13Two Cuban dudes
04:14With conga drums and shit
04:15And then like
04:20Fire would come out
04:21And Willie would come out
04:21With a robe
04:22Right
04:22Fucking hell
04:27Hilarious
04:28You can't write this shit
04:29By that point
04:31Like my
04:31My jaw is dropped
04:32I got anxiety
04:33Right
04:34I don't know
04:34What the fuck
04:35I'm gonna see
04:35My dad's like
04:36Hold on
04:36Let me just get the money
04:37And we'll leave
04:38I'll take it for ice cream
04:38And the next thing you know
04:42Willie opens up his robe
04:44And his dick was
04:45Three
04:45Four feet long
04:46It was like a tail
04:47But it was skinny
04:49Like a motherfucker
04:50Like him and his uncles
04:52Had gotten together
04:53And pulled it
04:54Like a tooth
04:55You know what I'm saying
04:55What's happening
05:00You bad motherfuckers
05:01Uncle Joey here
05:03Tonight bitches
05:04You're gonna hear
05:08Some fucked up shit
05:08Tonight
05:09Alright
05:09But I'm like that uncle
05:12Everybody's got that uncle
05:13Like me
05:13Alright
05:13He's a little fucked up
05:15He did some time
05:16But he's your mother's
05:18Brother
05:19Alright
05:19He borrowed
05:21$800 from your dad
05:22Never paid him back
05:23He pawned grandma's
05:25Wedding ring by mistake
05:27But he's fucking solid
05:29He's got your back
05:30And shit
05:30Alright
05:31That's all you need to know
05:32I'm gonna say fucked up shit
05:33Alright
05:34But I'm that uncle
05:35That got your rolling papers
05:37That time
05:37And I got your first porno
05:40And when you got the crabs
05:42I got you the shampoo
05:43With the little comb and shit
05:44And I never told nobody
05:46Cocksucker
05:47You know what I'm saying
05:48It's great that you
05:53It's great to be in Chicago
05:54Thank you very much
05:55For letting me shoot my special
05:57In the phenomenal city of Chicago
05:59The last fucking frontier
06:01Thank you you bad motherfuckers
06:05I know you're waiting for me and shit
06:07And I tell you man
06:12This is like
06:12One of the last cities
06:14That you gotta get up
06:15For the national anthem
06:15That's what I love about it
06:16Like you don't get up
06:17For the national anthem
06:18Here there's gonna be
06:19A fucking problem
06:19Okay
06:20It's like where I grew up
06:21In Jersey
06:22You don't get up
06:22For the national anthem
06:23You get the shit
06:23Knocked out of you
06:24After school
06:24And if you're a Jehovah witness
06:26We just beat you
06:27With the fucking suitcase
06:28You cocksucker Jehovah
06:30Jehovah better show up
06:33Next time with your shit
06:35It's true
06:41This motherfucker
06:41Got away with that shit
06:42Cause it was San Francisco
06:44And everybody's nice
06:45And you know
06:46They couldn't get away
06:50With that shit
06:50Of Soldier Field
06:51Some old Vietnam vet
06:54With Agent Orange and shit
06:55Didn't get his benefits
06:57That motherfucker
06:59Hit that Copernicic
07:00With a slingshot
07:01Right in the fucking head
07:03His head will blow right up
07:04And shit
07:04The cops will help him
07:06Out of the stadium
07:06Come on sir
07:07You're a national hero
07:09Fuck that Copernicic
07:10Gotta be a fucking American
07:14Cocksucker
07:15When I came from Cuba
07:17I was not allowed
07:18To speak Spanish
07:19Outside the house
07:20My mom would not let me
07:21Don't fuck
07:22No no no
07:22Oye
07:23And I stuck to it
07:29Only fucking American
07:30Outside the fucking house
07:31In the house
07:31You hablo
07:32Whatever
07:32La manzana
07:34Whatever the fuck
07:34You wanna talk about
07:35But one time
07:37Right
07:38When I was like
07:39In the 7th grade
07:39We were playing
07:40Little League
07:40And the fucking
07:41Little League coach
07:42Were on the bus
07:42And some kid
07:43Kept talking Spanish
07:44And Mr. Fontana
07:45Was his name
07:45He goes
07:46Speak Spanish again
07:46I'm gonna throw you
07:47Off the bus
07:48Guy told him
07:49To go fuck himself
07:49In Spanish
07:50He threw him off the bus
07:52Kid had to walk home
07:5340 fucking miles
07:54The rest of the Cuban kids
07:55Were like
07:55That's it
07:56This is a fucking
07:57We're calling our congressmen
07:59And all this shit
07:59I walked in
08:01Like a little half a fag
08:02Ma
08:02Ma
08:03They violated our human rights
08:06And shit
08:06My mom's like
08:08You've got no human rights
08:09You're a refugee
08:10Cocksucker
08:11But shit's changed
08:15Shit's changed now
08:16In this country
08:16Now you can speak
08:17You have to speak Spanish now
08:19If you don't speak Spanish now
08:21You're fucked
08:22Like you're really fucked
08:24Like how do you eat
08:25How the fuck do you eat
08:29Who do you think's running
08:29These fucking restaurants
08:31Bob
08:32That fucking guy
08:33That comes up to you
08:34Hi
08:35My name is Bob
08:36The special of the day
08:38Is Grillo Zupini
08:39I smoked 18 joints
08:42Bob
08:42Okay
08:42Bring me something
08:44Show up with something
08:45Cocksucker
08:46Then you see
08:47That little lonely Mexican
08:48Nobody's talking to him
08:49He's like polishing glasses
08:50And shit
08:51He's thinking about
08:53His grandmother
08:53In Mexico
08:54Nobody talks to the motherfucker
08:56It's like he's got the hip
08:57Nobody says a word
08:58To that motherfucker
08:59That's the guy
09:00You gotta make eye contact
09:01With him
09:01And then just
09:02Your primo
09:03And he'll say to you
09:06No
09:07Is that you
09:08And you're like
09:08Yeah that's me
09:09And he'll come right over
09:11And then you pop a $10 bill
09:13In his fucking hand
09:13Here you go primo
09:14Oh I love you motherfucker
09:15He'll look at it
09:17Like this is a picture
09:18Of Jesus
09:19Wow
09:19And watch your table
09:21Grow with food
09:22Next thing you know
09:23You're getting bananas
09:24And apples
09:24And waters
09:26And tea bags
09:27And salt
09:27And pepper
09:28And sugar
09:29The blue shit
09:30The cancer shit
09:30He brings you a blanket
09:33And sandals
09:34And a chihuahua
09:34Pictures of his family
09:36Playing the guitar
09:37And shit
09:37This guy don't stop
09:39You can tell him
09:41Do me a favor
09:42Get the bread off
09:43That fucking table
09:44Right there
09:44That fucking family
09:45Get that fucking bread
09:46I'm a orphan patron
09:47That's fucking loyalty
09:57Cocksuckers
09:57Right there
09:58You don't get that type
10:00Of loyalty no more
10:00What happened to Bernie Sanders
10:01What happened
10:03Eight weeks ago
10:03You're jumping up and down
10:04Ha ha
10:05Bernie Foki Man
10:06Ha ha
10:07He gets an envelope
10:10He disappears
10:11Like fucking
10:11Benny Hoffa
10:12Whatever his name is
10:13Jimmy Hoffa
10:15Benny Hoffa
10:16I don't know nothing
10:16You just forgot about him
10:19At the tranny bathroom
10:20You just forgot about it
10:21And shit
10:22Piss outside
10:23You fuck
10:24When you make up your mind
10:26Come on back here
10:28Ha ha ha
10:30I thought I forgot about
10:33The tranny bathroom
10:34Cocksuckers
10:34But you can't
10:43You gotta be nice now
10:44Alright everybody
10:45That's what we strive for
10:47Nobody can be honest
10:48You can't voice an opinion
10:50Thank you
10:52People get upset
10:55You won't be invited
10:56To barbecues anymore
10:57And shit
10:58They'll look at you
10:59All weird
11:00That's the guy
11:00That called her
11:01A fat lesbian
11:02But it's too fucking nice
11:07And we're faking the funk
11:08It's like when
11:09When the kid fell into
11:10The fucking gorilla exhibit
11:11Who gives a fuck
11:11About the gorilla
11:12But the next day
11:1380 people showed up
11:14There marching
11:15Hey the gorilla
11:16Don't shoot the gorilla
11:17Don't you have a fucking job
11:19Don't you have a life
11:19You have a connection
11:21With this fucking gorilla
11:22What's wrong with you people
11:23Don't you know
11:25These zoos
11:25Are fucking rigged
11:26And shit
11:27We don't have good
11:28Fucking zoos
11:29Over here no more
11:30There's like four good zoos
11:31In the country
11:31That's it
11:32That's it
11:33San Diego
11:33They got a reptile
11:36In Miami
11:36They got
11:37That's it
11:38All the rest of them
11:39We got bum fucking animals
11:40You ever go to the zoo
11:42With your kid
11:42The gorilla's whacking off
11:44He's got a finger
11:46In his butt
11:46Smelling it and shit
11:47The assistant
11:49Has to cut the banana
11:50Up for him
11:51And he looks at it
11:52Like it's a fucking
11:53You know
11:53Go to China
11:55Go to the zoo in China
11:56Go ahead
11:56They fucking got
11:57The best animals
11:58Over there
11:59The fucking gorillas
12:00Are dressed up
12:01Like the Beatles
12:01Fucking playing
12:02They're reading
12:04Fortunes and shit
12:05The fucking giraffes
12:09Are ice skating
12:10That's
12:10But you know what man
12:14I didn't know
12:14Nothing about zoos
12:15I didn't know
12:15Anything about zoos
12:16I'm like you guys
12:17But you know
12:18Who does coke
12:19And goes to the zoo
12:19You know what I'm saying
12:20But then I had a baby
12:22So now I gotta go
12:23To the zoo
12:23The last three years
12:24And make believe
12:25Like I give a fuck
12:26You know
12:26You see
12:27$20 to walk uphill
12:29To see a tiger
12:30That just came from chemo
12:31He got no hair left
12:32He got flies all over him
12:34And shit
12:35He's sleeping half the time
12:37What's wrong with the fucking cat
12:38He's sedated
12:40He's like
12:40They gave him a Cosby pill
12:41That poor fucking leopard
12:42I'm throwing rocks
12:44At that motherfucker
12:45He don't give a fuck
12:46And don't get me wrong
12:50I love animals
12:50Alright
12:51I love animals
12:52You go in my trunk right now
12:54I got cat food
12:55Dog food
12:57And a ball
12:58To lure him
12:59Like a
12:59Like a
12:59Like a
13:00Like a pedophile
13:01You follow me
13:02Speaking of pedophiles
13:13Let me talk to you people
13:13I hate fucking pedophiles
13:16Ever since I had this little daughter
13:18I'm on the lookout
13:18For fucking pedophiles
13:19I can't stand them
13:20You understand me
13:21I take her to the park
13:22I got my eyes open
13:23My wife
13:23She's a nice lady
13:24You know
13:25She goes to the park
13:26And she don't watch that shit
13:27She's like
13:27Look at the trees
13:28Oh my god
13:31The swings are so clean
13:32I don't give a fuck
13:33About the swings
13:33I don't give a fuck
13:34About that little girl
13:34She's over there
13:35Lurking with that dad
13:36Urban thinks he's legit to quit
13:38No he's not
13:39Look at that motherfucker
13:40He's got his little flip flops on
13:41He's got the little bubbles
13:42Never trust a man
13:43With flip flops and bubbles
13:45Okay
13:45Confucius said that
13:48Not Uncle Joey
13:48Confucius said that
13:49Never trust one of those motherfuckers
13:52Cause all these parents
13:54They're looking around
13:55Then they wonder why the kid
13:56Fell in the fucking thing
13:57Cause you're Facebooking
13:59Pokemanning
14:00Snap Pat
14:01Whatever the fuck it is
14:02Snapchat
14:02Ha ha ha ha
14:04Ha ha ha ha
14:05I'm at the zoo
14:06I don't know what happened
14:07I turn my head for one minute
14:08Yeah
14:08You're on fucking Facebook
14:10Watch your fucking kid
14:12Then they go on
14:13The eyewitness news
14:14I don't know what happened
14:15I watch my kid
14:17I'm not good at anything
14:18But I will lock into that
14:20Motherfucker
14:20Cause I'm a felon
14:21I know what a pedophile
14:22Looks like
14:22I will lock into that
14:27Motherfucker
14:28I love him
14:28I love him
14:29When I see a pedophile
14:30My dick gets hard
14:30I'll tell you why
14:31Cause it's entertainment
14:35For Uncle Joey
14:35I know I'm gonna
14:36I'm gonna get my paws
14:37On this guy
14:37I don't blow the whistle
14:38On him
14:38I fucking lure him in
14:40Fuck I become his friend
14:42I give him five dollars
14:43Get more bubbles
14:43Yeah
14:44Ha ha ha ha
14:47The kids love it
14:48Yeah
14:49Thursday nights
14:50By my house
14:51No hole
14:51Park
14:52Have this park
14:53And all the people
14:54Get together
14:54With the fucking food trucks
14:55I hate those food truck people too
14:56And I hate those food trucks
14:58That food sucks
14:59Just some
14:59You know we love food trucks
15:00What the fuck
15:01You eat a fucking sandwich
15:03You're writing a suicide note
15:05From the fucking
15:05From the smoke in the truck
15:07And shit
15:07What is wrong with these people
15:09That food sucks
15:10But I go
15:11Because my daughter
15:11There's property
15:12And people talk to each other
15:14And there's other little
15:15Fucking misfits running around
15:16But I've been watching
15:17This bubble guy
15:18Since day one
15:18This guy I knew
15:19I didn't go home
15:20And do a background check
15:21I didn't do nothing
15:22I just knew he was
15:22A creepy motherfucker
15:23He's got a bicycle
15:24He's got a little basket
15:26He's got like rope in the back
15:27I don't know what the fuck
15:28He's doing
15:29The rope did it
15:30I'm watching this cocksucker
15:32Right
15:32And he's got like three kids
15:34But he had like
15:34The old fashioned bubble guy
15:36Like he had the little
15:37Old thing
15:37That you dip it in
15:38When you got one of those
15:40You only lure like three kids
15:41It's
15:44You do
15:44I was watching
15:45I pay attention to this shit
15:46I may believe
15:47Like I'm mingling
15:48But the whole time
15:49I got the fucking eye
15:50Watching this cocksucker
15:51On alert
15:52Motherfuckers
15:52On alert
15:53So the first
15:54The first
15:54The first food truck season
15:56You know
16:00He didn't really do really well
16:01You know what I'm saying
16:02Because he had that old fashioned shit
16:03He'd only get like three kids
16:04I would send my daughter over there
16:05To go over there
16:06And play with the
16:06With the bubble guy
16:07I'd watch him the whole time
16:09So he went away for the holidays
16:10He went back to Florida
16:11To visit his uncles
16:12Or whatever
16:12And that's where all the perverts go
16:14To the off season
16:15You go to Florida
16:17And get together
16:17With other fucking pedophiles
16:18What do you do
16:19Well you get a fishing rope
16:20And you put a spare rib at the end
16:22Whatever the fuck
16:23And they come back
16:28Ready to go
16:29Like you could draft them
16:30In your flag
16:31Little draft league
16:32And shit
16:32They come back
16:33From basic training
16:34In Florida
16:35Ready to lure
16:35Little fucking kids
16:36So he came back
16:37The second season
16:38With a box
16:39He put together a box
16:41And he gets
16:42One of those things
16:42What did you do
16:43Remember when you were a kid
16:44You used to do this shit
16:45A hula hoop
16:46And he puts like
16:47Bubble juice in there
16:48Right
16:49And he dips the hula hoop
16:51And he goes like this
16:52And now he gets big bubbles
16:53Now he gets big crowds
16:54Now he's got
16:55His percentages are higher
16:57You know what I'm saying
16:57But I'm eyeballing this
17:00Cocksucker the whole time
17:01You know what I'm saying
17:02I got him down and shit
17:03And how he gets him
17:04Is he waits for the bubbles
17:05To break
17:06And they go in
17:06The little kid's eyes
17:07And when they go like that
17:08He scoops them up
17:09And tackles them and shit
17:10But I'm right there
17:12I grab that cocksucker
17:13See that's where I come in
17:14Like a superhero
17:15Again I'm not a crime stop
17:17I grab that cocksucker
17:18I take him
17:19I drag him a little bit
17:20Stab him in the stomach
17:21A few times
17:22Take an ear
17:25And then dial 911
17:26And you're not gonna believe
17:27This officer
17:28He came at me
17:30With a bubble machine
17:31I had a
17:32Ha ha ha ha
17:33He's probably wanted
17:35In Idaho
17:36Or something like that
17:37I got a reward
17:38And who makes out
17:39Like a fucking doctor here
17:40You follow me
17:41Who makes out
17:42You know
17:47Listen let me tell you something
17:49You don't know
17:51What a pedophile looks like
17:52Cause you've been chased
17:52By a fucking pedophile
17:53Okay
17:54I was chased by a pedophile
17:56A couple times
17:57Again
17:58I'm gonna tell you
17:59A little story
18:00When I came from Cuba
18:05We lived on 205
18:06West 88th street
18:07But what
18:08Let's back the story up
18:09A little bit
18:10For starters
18:11Today we're fucking soft
18:12We have a generation
18:13Of soft fucking kids
18:14Even as adults
18:15We're soft
18:15How many pairs of sneakers
18:17You got
18:17I got hiking sneakers
18:19And sneakers
18:21From when I run
18:22Cause they have more padding
18:23For my falling arch
18:24And I'm
18:25But on my right foot
18:27I have a falling arch
18:28On my left foot
18:28I'm just flat footed
18:29And the toe
18:30I need more support
18:31Under the heel
18:31What the fuck
18:32Are you talking about
18:33When I was a kid
18:34Converse
18:35That's all you wore
18:36Chuck Taylor's
18:36Like a motherfucker
18:37If a nail went through it
18:39That's it
18:39It didn't matter
18:40You understand me
18:41There were Chuck Taylor's
18:42High tops
18:43That's what you fucking
18:44If you wore low tops
18:45You were half a fag
18:46And you didn't get up
18:47For the national anthem
18:48You wore high tops
18:51Like a pimp and shit
18:52So at those times
18:55The neighborhood pedophile
18:56I didn't know for sure
18:57But he just had accusations
18:58His name was Mr. Martini
19:00And he wore like a black suit
19:04He was like 60
19:05With white hair
19:06And he always like
19:08Was kind of creepy
19:09He hated little kids
19:10He'd always give you
19:10Your finger and shit
19:11Fuck you
19:11You little motherfuckers
19:12And that's how he bait you
19:14You get into an argument
19:15And fuck you
19:16Mr. Martini
19:17Fuck you
19:17And he'd chase you
19:18And shit
19:18But I never let it
19:19Get to that
19:20I went to a different route
19:21I used to have
19:22My little converse
19:23And shit
19:23I was indestructible
19:25With those things
19:25In the mornings
19:27I would take some
19:27Santeria pennies
19:28From my mother
19:29And I'd get some
19:32Of my Puerto Rican
19:33Friends
19:33And some of my
19:34Little dirty Irish friends
19:35And I'd go in front
19:38Of Mr. Martini's house
19:39And he lived in a brownstone
19:40And he lived in the basement
19:42Right down here
19:42And I'd take pennies
19:43And I'd throw them over
19:45Into his little thing
19:46And when the little
19:47Puerto Rican kids
19:47And the Irish kids
19:48Would jump over
19:49To get the pennies
19:49I'd go
19:49Mr. Martini
19:50Suck my weenie
19:51And he'd fucking
19:52He'd fucking run out of there
19:55And chase us to death
19:56And this guy was 60
19:58But he had cardio
19:59Like a motherfucker
19:59He would chase us
20:01To Central Park
20:02Around the lake
20:03And shit
20:04He was amazing
20:05He never caught none of us
20:06Because the word
20:06On the street was
20:07Don't let Mr. Martini
20:08Catch you
20:09He didn't just
20:10Catch you and rough you up
20:11He'd beat you up
20:12And made you
20:12Give him horrible
20:13Fucking sex
20:14And he fingered you
20:16There was kids
20:17That were missing
20:17And shit like that
20:18What happened
20:19Mr. Martini caught him
20:21Nobody ever saw him again
20:22So Mr. Martini
20:31Right
20:31I couldn't believe it
20:34He almost caught me one day
20:36And I'm fucking sitting there
20:38Watching TV with my parents
20:40And all of a sudden
20:41They have this advertising
20:43For PF flyers
20:44That they make you
20:45Jump higher
20:46And run faster
20:48I'm like fuck it
20:48I'm in
20:49Because now Mr. Martini
20:50Can't fuck with me
20:51You know what I'm saying
20:51So I talked my mother
20:54Into going down
20:54There to get me PF flyers
20:55Mr. Martini
20:56She's like
20:57What are you talking about
20:58He's a fucking pervert
20:59Whatever
21:00So I get my PF flyers
21:05Now I'm ready to torment
21:06Mr. Martini
21:07Even better than before
21:08I got a handful of pennies
21:10I get my little goombas
21:11And we go down there
21:13Let's fuck with Mr. Martini
21:14You ready
21:15And they're like
21:15At this point
21:16They still trusted me
21:17They didn't know
21:19As soon as I threw
21:20The pennies over
21:21I was gonna holler
21:21At Mr. Martini
21:22To get us
21:23So I throw the pennies over
21:24They jump over
21:25I'm Mr. Martini
21:26Suck my weenie
21:27He wasn't downstairs
21:28He wasn't downstairs
21:29He jumped out
21:30Of the fucking hallway
21:31Just leaped at us
21:32And he's on us
21:33Like a bad motherfucker
21:34That day
21:35And he was on fire
21:36He chased us
21:37From 88th street
21:38To 127th in Harlem
21:40Down to Westside Highway
21:4212th avenues down
21:43All the way down
21:44To 50th fucking
21:45Port Street
21:45We're like seven
21:46I'm looking at these
21:47Other little dirty bats
21:48I'm like
21:48We gotta kick it up here
21:49We're fucking seven
21:50This guy's 80
21:51And he's on our fucking heels
21:53We lose this little prick
21:56Right
21:56We lose him
21:57We're on the corner
21:5888th and Broadway
21:59It's winter time
22:00It's Christmas time
22:01They're selling Christmas trees
22:02I'm looking at one of the trees
22:04Because it's acting a little weird
22:05You know what I'm saying
22:05And all of a sudden
22:08I see two hands
22:09Open up this fucking bush
22:10And it's Mr. Martini
22:12In the flesh
22:12But as he jumps over
22:14To go get us
22:15I look to see
22:15What the fuck
22:16He's got on his feet
22:16Because that's what I want
22:18Whatever he's got on his feet
22:19Those are the sneakers
22:20I fucking need
22:21There were no sneakers
22:24He had these black
22:25Jewish shoes
22:26You ever see them
22:27Like Jew sneakers
22:29Black with the thick
22:30Rubber fucking bottom
22:31I ran home
22:32I want Jew sneakers
22:33And shit
22:34And you laugh
22:38Those fucking sneakers
22:39Today are Nike
22:40With the J
22:41For the Swish
22:42Jew sneakers
22:43Go ahead
22:43I'm not gonna drop
22:45Fake history on you
22:46Motherfuckers
22:47I'm like Nat Geo
22:48You know what I'm saying
22:49I had surgery recently
22:59It's fucked up
23:06Because karma hits you
23:08When you get older
23:09Like you don't even realize it
23:10When you get old
23:11You pay for the shit
23:12You did as a young fucking man
23:14You know my thing
23:15Was doing blow
23:15And jumping up and down
23:17And looking out windows
23:18You know
23:19You get fucked up
23:20And all of a sudden
23:21One day you stop
23:22And you think it's over
23:22Like oh you know
23:23While I was doing coke
23:24I cleaned my nose every night
23:26With sea salt and water
23:27And I should have no residue
23:30But fuck
23:31I joined jujitsu
23:33I couldn't fucking breathe
23:34You know
23:34And I thought I was
23:35A fat fuck
23:36No
23:37Because I couldn't breathe
23:37Out of people
23:38Like listen
23:38You gotta breathe
23:39Into your nose
23:39You're a mouth dude
23:40So I went to the doctor
23:42Finally
23:42He's like Joey
23:43You can't breathe
23:43You know this fucking
23:44PPO
23:45Whatever this insurance is
23:46You gotta go see
23:47Your family physician
23:48Then he sends you
23:48To another fucking guy
23:50And the first doctor
23:51They sent me to
23:51I felt the karma
23:52His name was
23:54Dr. Line
23:55L-I-N-E
24:01I'm like
24:01Oh this motherfucker
24:03I sit down
24:06He tells me
24:06He takes the
24:07Whatever the x-ray
24:08The brain thing
24:09And he's like
24:10Listen man
24:10You damage your nose
24:12You have a deviated septum
24:13That's another word
24:14For you did a lot of coke
24:15When you were younger
24:16And they clean it out
24:18And then they
24:19They break the bone
24:21And reset it
24:21And then they put
24:22Straws in there
24:23And they put like
24:24Bob wire from
24:25Guantanamo Bay
24:26To hold the fucking
24:27Straws in there
24:28And I'm like
24:28Oh
24:28And I go home
24:30My wife's like
24:31What happened
24:31I got a deviated septum
24:32You know
24:33So I do the surgery
24:35I go the whole thing
24:36And after like
24:38Three days
24:39I'm sitting at home
24:40And I got the cat
24:42I'm a little high
24:42On the fucking pills
24:43And I'm thinking to myself
24:45Life's a fucked up thing
24:47You know
24:47Ten years ago
24:49Right now
24:49I'd be walking around
24:50This apartment
24:51Looking for a straw
24:52And now
24:55I got two of them
24:56Right in my goddamn nose
24:57Life is a jacked up
25:01And the best thing was
25:02That I got no surgery
25:03But I woke up
25:04With a blister in my mouth
25:05And my wrist
25:06Was all fucked up
25:07That's what really
25:07Threw me off
25:08Like what they do to me
25:11In that goddamn room
25:12I want to see the tape
25:12And shit
25:13You know
25:14I'm not a little
25:14Half a book
25:15I'm not gonna fucking cry
25:16You know
25:17I'm not even gonna
25:18You know
25:18Cause usually you get molested
25:19Then it comes
25:20Forty years later
25:20I got molested
25:21So by the time
25:22I realize it
25:23I'll be dead by that time
25:24So who gives a shit
25:25Sorry about that
25:28I just had to
25:29Drop that out there
25:30Cause it's true
25:31You pay for fucking
25:32Everything man
25:33That's what I'm worried
25:34About with my daughter
25:35I look at my little
25:36Three year old now
25:37She changed my life
25:38And shit
25:38But it's weird
25:39Cause she's got
25:40Some of my traits
25:40And you don't want
25:41Them to have
25:41The bad shit
25:43Like she already
25:43Tells me to go
25:44Fuck myself
25:44Not in those words
25:45She doesn't say
25:47Go fuck yourself
25:47Daddy
25:48She says something worse
25:49She goes
25:49No thank you
25:50That hurts even worse
25:55Than go fuck yourself
25:56For example
25:58Do you wanna go to the park
25:59No thank you
26:00But you can hear her going
26:01I wanted to go to the park
26:02Three fucking hours ago
26:03Cocksucker
26:04You wanna come to me now
26:06I'm tired
26:06It's nappy noo time
26:08You hungry
26:12You want some pizza
26:13No fucking thank you
26:13No she doesn't say
26:14Fuck no thank you
26:15No thank you
26:16I was hungry
26:17Three hours ago
26:18When you were eating ice cream
26:20You didn't wanna give me
26:20No ice cream and shit
26:21And I never thought
26:25I could ever have a
26:27Child
26:27I had a child
26:28When I was fucking 50
26:29Who has a kid
26:30When they're fucking 50
26:31That never happens
26:32You think you're all
26:33Juiced out
26:34That's it
26:35Right or wrong
26:37When you're 20
26:38You're like
26:39I'm gonna be done
26:39When I'm 40
26:40There's not gonna be
26:41Nothing in there
26:42Surprise bitches
26:43Surprise
26:45It don't shoot out
26:47Like it used to
26:47You know what I'm saying
26:48It just blurps out
26:50Onto your little
26:51Old fungi toe
26:52And shit
26:52You gotta walk out of there
26:55Like Jesus
26:55Out of the cave
26:56And shit
26:57You know what it's like
27:00To have a fungi toe
27:01People have no fucking idea
27:02You gotta put duct tape
27:04On it
27:04When you go to parties
27:05And shit
27:06People are like
27:08What's wrong with your toe
27:09Traction
27:09But here's what killed me
27:16About the fungi toe
27:17I didn't know how I really
27:18It's very tough to talk about
27:21But who gives a fuck
27:22At this point
27:22You know what I'm saying
27:23I even put CBD on
27:25It don't work
27:25Nothing worse
27:26I got a fucking pot plant
27:28Going out of my toe
27:29Now and shit
27:29Every time I rub it
27:31I smell it
27:32I get high with it
27:32It's like a mushroom toe
27:34You know what I'm saying
27:34I don't know
27:41I let like a barbell
27:43Fell on my big toe
27:44And it got black
27:46And then like a year later
27:46It fell off
27:47And while it was unguarded
27:49The fungi went in
27:50It's like a
27:50It's like a Benghazi toenail
27:52The fungi went in there
27:55And shit
27:55But that's not what
27:57Baffled me
27:58What really fucked with me
27:59Is how it jumped
28:00To the other big toe
28:01With nothing
28:04It just went through everything
28:05It went through my
28:06Internal nervous system
28:07Down to my big toe
28:09And just
28:10It's embarrassing
28:11But you gotta talk
28:12About this shit
28:13Hey listen
28:13This is what happens
28:14When you get older
28:15Man
28:16Shit goes
28:16Shit goes downhill
28:18Your priorities even change
28:20You don't understand
28:21My life has changed lately
28:22People
28:23Changed
28:24The last two months
28:26I'm a new person
28:26And guys
28:28You do what you want
28:28With this
28:29I don't care
28:30What you do with this
28:31This is the best
28:32I'm not selling you
28:33Religion
28:33Or an exercise
28:34Or a guru
28:35Something changed my life
28:37I got a portable bidet
28:39Now I had a bidet
28:45To the age of 15
28:47And once they took it away
28:48It scarred me
28:48Psychologically
28:50Something was wrong with me
28:51Something's wrong with me
28:52I'd have to go see
28:53A psychiatrist
28:54Once I got the bidet
28:55My youth came back to me
28:57It was unbelievable
28:59I will sit on that bidet
29:01And just think about nothing
29:03That little water
29:04Hitting your muffler
29:05You just sit there
29:06All your problems
29:08Go away
29:09Everything
29:10It's better than that
29:11Fucking soap
29:12They used to have
29:13Caldor
29:14Calgzon
29:15Take me away
29:16Calgon
29:16Fuck Calgon
29:17This is a bidet
29:19You just sit there
29:19And you let that water
29:21Hit your muffler
29:21And everything
29:22And then it hits
29:23The back of your scrotum
29:24So it's cleaning
29:25At the same time
29:26You get like a little bag
29:27And remove the algae
29:28Whatever the hell
29:29You get back there
29:30And nobody bothers you
29:33You don't bother nobody
29:33You'll stop
29:34Hacking up with your friends
29:35You'll stop bowling
29:36You'll stop wasting time
29:38You found the fountain
29:39You just sit there
29:40And stuff like that
29:41And God forbid
29:42You get the hot water one
29:43That's when the party
29:44Really starts
29:45That's when the party
29:47Really starts
29:47You understand me
29:48That's when you throw
29:49The TV out the window
29:50It's over
29:51Fuck Facebook
29:52I'm done with Facebook
29:53I got a bidet
29:54I don't need no social media
29:56You just sit there all day
29:58Just with that little hot water
29:59Just spitting up
30:01At your little muffler
30:01And you're going through
30:02All these lands
30:03And fantasies
30:05And Game of Thrones
30:06And shit
30:06And all of a sudden
30:09Your wife knocks
30:10And you just shoot
30:11The motherfucker
30:11At that point
30:12You're like that South African
30:13With no legs
30:14Batalis
30:15Whatever his name is
30:16That's what happened
30:17He got a bidet
30:17She knocked on the door
30:19What are you doing in there
30:20Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow
30:21That's what I'm fucking doing
30:24I got hot water hitting me
30:26A little beyond
30:35Politically Incorrect
30:36You know how that goes
30:37Wouldn't be a good show
30:39If I couldn't talk
30:40What the fuck was in my heart
30:41You know
30:41We don't live
30:44You gotta be careful now
30:45You gotta be very careful
30:46Every Monday
30:47Somebody says something
30:48Somebody gets offended
30:49People get very offended now
30:51We live in a time
30:52When oh my god
30:53Every day
30:54Somebody gets offended
30:55I started thinking about it
30:57When I first came here
30:58From Cuba
30:58There was three types
30:59Of Gentiles
31:00There was rednecks
31:06Okay
31:06Gotta love rednecks
31:08They're my favorite
31:09Fucking Gentile
31:10Of all time
31:10My in-laws are rednecks
31:12They watch girls softball
31:13They're entertaining
31:14They watch CNN
31:18It's like a horror movie
31:19They sit there in fear
31:20Oh my god
31:21The Zika virus
31:22What
31:22But they're beautiful people
31:26They don't bother nobody
31:27They sit on their couch
31:28Then you had like
31:30Blue collar people
31:30Like us
31:31Jersey
31:32Chicago
31:32Suburbs
31:33You know
31:34We dig
31:35We paint
31:35We build houses
31:37We work with our fucking hands
31:38In the winter
31:39We got no class
31:40We scratch our balls
31:41Right
31:42We love sporting events
31:44Right
31:45You go to the East Coast
31:46Jet, jet, jet, jet
31:47And they spell it wrong
31:48J-I-T-S
31:49You're like
31:50But they're good people
31:54They got good heart
31:54They think a little off
31:56You know what I'm saying
31:56Then you had the top tier
31:58Of the Gentiles
31:58They drink mint jillips
32:00And listen to opera
32:03And they
32:03You know
32:03Their kids are on the rowing team
32:05None of you are those people
32:10Right
32:11Well I'm lying to you
32:13You can Wikipedia this tonight
32:15They started popping up
32:17They started popping up like
32:17In 58
32:1859
32:19Like
32:19Right after the Vietnam War
32:21They started popping up
32:22This breed of Gentile
32:23But they
32:24Every time they pop up
32:25In the 70s
32:26They get smacked
32:27Or punched in the face
32:28Well shut the fuck up bitch
32:30Nobody was talking to you
32:32Motherfucker
32:33But then in like
32:361990
32:37Starbucks came along
32:40And
32:40And farmer's market
32:42So these morons
32:43Had a fucking
32:44You know what I'm saying
32:45They had some place to meet
32:46And collaborate
32:47Oh my god
32:47You're not gonna believe this
32:50I've got OCD
32:51In my stomach
32:52And
32:52You know
32:53They're the king of diseases
32:54They love kale
32:56Right
32:56They love kale
33:00I love kale
33:01In the morning
33:01I wouldn't know
33:02What to do without kale
33:04They're gluten free
33:08All of a sudden
33:08Right
33:09All of a sudden
33:10They're gluten free
33:11Oh my god
33:12I feel so much better
33:13Their kids are allergic
33:16To peanuts
33:17Right
33:17Their kids eat goat cheese
33:21That's why they get bullied
33:22In school and shit
33:23And you wonder why
33:25It's American cheese
33:26Or provolone
33:27Cop sucker
33:28There ain't no goat cheese
33:29In my future
33:30Alright
33:30Goat cheese
33:32In your lunch box
33:33No wonder he gets
33:34Tortured that little fuck
33:35You know
33:38They have to have
33:38The hat with the feather
33:39And they always
33:40Even if they have
33:4120-20 vision
33:42They have to have
33:43Glasses on
33:44To show you
33:44They're intelligent
33:45Oh that was an
33:46Insightful thing
33:47You said the other night
33:48Who gives a fuck
33:50Joe
33:50Okay
33:51They're the ones
33:54That are ruining shit
33:55They're the ones
33:56With their fake
33:57Fucking bullshit
33:58And we love
33:58Bernie
33:59And then he disappeared
34:00That's a great moment
34:01In history
34:02All that bullshit
34:03They're the ones
34:04That do all this
34:05Fucked up shit
34:06I'm up around
34:07Those people man
34:08I live around
34:09Those people
34:09It's kind of fucked up
34:10You know
34:11I came up
34:11When I first moved
34:12To California
34:12I used to cater
34:13And they used to
34:14Cater these parties
34:15And they'd be
34:15Dancing and shit
34:16To Mexican music
34:18We love the
34:19Spanish music and shit
34:20And in the same breath
34:22They go
34:22Pick up the dog shit
34:24Rosa
34:24You don't like nobody
34:28A couple weeks ago
34:30When I first moved
34:31To this new place
34:31They invited me
34:32Out to this
34:32Neighborhood party
34:33They had ISIS there
34:35Listen
34:35ISIS was there
34:36He had the turban
34:38With the creepy eyes
34:39And shit
34:39He smelled all fucked up
34:42He's hissing
34:44At the white people
34:45Meanwhile
34:48They're like
34:49We love Mohammed
34:50Oh my god
34:50He brought hummus
34:52And shit
34:52And a guy
34:54With a flute
34:55With a snake
34:55We love it
34:56We love that culture
34:58And then when he leaves
34:59They slice all the chairs
35:00And they
35:01Throw away
35:02The fucking silverware
35:03And shit like that
35:04That's the people
35:05That are voting now
35:06Listen
35:06I got felonies
35:08I can't vote
35:08Thank fucking god
35:09Okay
35:09I'm not bragging
35:11But thank fucking god
35:12Okay
35:13And some people
35:16Say I'm fucked up
35:17Because I'm a little
35:17Racially
35:18Insensitive at times
35:20Or
35:21You know
35:21I racially profile
35:22Listen
35:23In today's economy
35:24You gotta racially profile
35:28If you gotta make it
35:29In this economy
35:30Okay
35:30In 88
35:31I got arrested
35:32For kidnapping
35:32Okay
35:33Wasn't really kidnapping
35:35I had a machine gun
35:36He had a kilo of coke
35:37It happens
35:38Okay
35:38Wasn't really kidnapping
35:42It's just an exchange
35:42That went afry
35:43You know
35:44He never watched
35:48Miami Vice
35:48And I did
35:49But I got a Jewish attorney
35:56Why
35:59Because I didn't want
36:00To go to jail
36:00I'll pay whatever
36:01I'm not going to jail
36:03So I got a Jewish attorney
36:04Because they're the best
36:05At what they do
36:06That's just plain
36:06I'm sorry
36:07I know you're white
36:08And you're German
36:09And you're whatever
36:10And you like attorneyism
36:11But no
36:11If I slip right now
36:14I got a Jew attorney
36:15Because I know
36:16I'm collecting
36:16That's just how
36:17Fucking easy it is
36:18And don't look at me
36:20Like that
36:20Listen
36:21All you people
36:21Are striving Americans
36:22You're looking to buy a home
36:24When you buy your home
36:25One of those
36:25You ever buy those condos
36:27And the associations
36:27And you gotta pay
36:28Fucking 9,000 a month
36:30And you're like
36:31Fuck this
36:32So you buy your own house
36:33Because you can make
36:33Your own decisions
36:34And you shop it out
36:35And you go
36:36Who's gonna fucking
36:36Mow my lawn
36:37Who are you gonna get
36:38The three white guys
36:39From the corner
36:39Really
36:40No you're not
36:41You're gonna get
36:41Three fucking Mexicans
36:42That'll go out there
36:43And 150 fucking degrees
36:45And mow that fucking lawn
36:46And they won't complain
36:47About nothing
36:48You really wanna give it
36:49To Jim and his brothers
36:50But you know
36:51What you're gonna get
36:51Oh my god
36:52It's gonna be a hot day today
36:53We're gonna need
36:54A lot of water today
36:55We don't wanna dehydrate
36:56You know
36:57You have a radio
36:59We listen
36:59We listen to Paul Harvey
37:01At lunchtime and shit
37:02Those Mexicans
37:04There's no workman cop
37:05In a work Mexicans world
37:06You never saw a Mexican
37:07On workman's fucking cop
37:09I have a neighbor
37:10He fell off a roof
37:10The next day
37:11Bam
37:12At work
37:138.01 in the fucking morning
37:14Limping
37:15But he showed up
37:16Like a motherfucker
37:17Okay
37:18I get sentimental
37:21About Mexicans
37:22That get hurt
37:23You follow me
37:24It's fucking crazy
37:30I uh
37:32Had this TV
37:33I love you too
37:34You sexy bitch
37:35I had this TV
37:36I had this TV
37:39That weighed like
37:4010,000 pounds
37:41My friend gave me
37:42And it was up
37:43A fucking flight of steps
37:44And I needed like
37:458 guys
37:45To carry it up the steps
37:46I'm not kidding you
37:474 on each side
37:48A rope
37:49You get it up there
37:53After a month
37:54The remote breaks
37:55And the TV's out of stock
37:56So you can't fix the remote
37:58So you couldn't watch the TV
38:00Unless you
38:00You know
38:01It was like on 98
38:02And you would go deaf
38:03Listening to it
38:04So I had to get rid of it
38:05I didn't know what to do
38:06I swear to God
38:07There's these two Mexican dudes
38:08That live three doors down from me
38:10They're a family
38:11But the dad and the son
38:12Have a junk truck
38:14Where they just pick shit up
38:16And take it out
38:18And stuff
38:18I went up to them
38:19I go hey man
38:19I got this TV
38:20I don't know if you want it
38:21Do you think they got a rope
38:23Or
38:23Do you think they got a carpet
38:30Or
38:30Or they put like a weight lifting belt on
38:33You ever see those dudes
38:34They were out there like
38:38Eating a burrito
38:38Mind their own business
38:39And I walked up to them
38:41There was no warm up
38:42They just walked up the stairs
38:44I swear to God
38:44Looked at it
38:45He told his son
38:46Open the door
38:47His son opened the door
38:51He got fucking 60
38:53And his son's like 20
38:54He just picked up the TV
38:56And put on his son's back
38:57They didn't take the door off the hinges
39:00There was no measuring
39:01There was no fucking Copernicus thinking
39:05Oh my God
39:06That's a big doorway
39:07I don't know
39:08These two Mexicans ran down the fucking block
39:11It was like those dudes
39:16That were carrying Grace Jones
39:17And now
39:18We're fucking soft now
39:28That's it
39:28People
39:29We're soft
39:30That's it
39:30Nobody wants to
39:31Look at
39:31Look who's destroying the country
39:33We're getting destroyed by egg whites
39:34That's what makes all of us weak
39:38Is men
39:38We're fucking weak
39:39Keep eating those fucking egg whites
39:40Let me ask you guys a question
39:43It's family
39:43You know I love you to death
39:45You ever come on somebody's tits?
39:49The shit that drips
39:50That's the egg white
39:52Okay
39:52Next time you eat the egg white
39:55Think of the shit that drips
39:56The egg yolk sticks to the breast
39:58Does it not?
39:59They got a loop for that motherfucker off
40:01But meanwhile
40:02You want to eat the egg white
40:04With shallots
40:04And mushrooms
40:05And
40:06Then you wonder why
40:08You got erectile dysfunction
40:09And
40:10You wonder why
40:11You got low T
40:12And
40:12Oh my God
40:13I got a concussion
40:14Playing ping pong
40:15That's why
40:18Egg whites
40:20You dumb fuck
40:21You gotta eat egg yolks
40:23Like a motherfucker
40:24And don't look at me like
40:26Joey
40:26What the fuck do you know?
40:28What the fuck do I know?
40:29I knocked my wife up at 50
40:30Okay
40:31And with
40:33I knocked my wife up at fucking 50
40:38And with the amount of marijuana I smoke
40:41Okay
40:42It's scientifically unheard of
40:44But I eat two egg yolks every morning
40:46One for each fucking nut sack
40:48Okay
40:49My nut sack does not leave the house
40:52Without two egg yolks
40:53No potatoes
40:55You know I'm against the carbs
40:56Like a motherfucker
40:57I get that razor blade
40:59I cut around that egg yolk
41:00Like Paulie
41:01In Goodfellas
41:02I cut around that motherfucker
41:03Keep beating those egg whites
41:10Cotsuckers
41:11And listen
41:13I got nothing to listen
41:14We've all gotten erectile
41:15Dysfunction
41:16But not like when you're playing at the park
41:19My dick is harder than hell
41:20You understand me?
41:21It's when you're like
41:22You know
41:22Doing blow
41:23Like when you do blow
41:24You get dead dick
41:25Remember right?
41:25It goes all the way into your nut sack
41:27Gotta get a lighter
41:28Put it under there
41:29It pops out
41:30Hold on
41:31Give me five minutes
41:32You know
41:32That type of shit
41:33Everybody's fucking slipping
41:46Don't worry about it
41:47Even black people are slipping
41:50As much as I love them
41:51I wouldn't be here
41:53If it wasn't for Julius Irving
41:55And fucking Richard Pryor
41:56I wouldn't do this shit
41:58But black people slipped this year
41:59With all the problems you got
42:00You worried about the fucking Oscars?
42:01Really?
42:04Brothers getting shot every day
42:05And you worried about the fucking Oscars?
42:07I can't believe we didn't get nominated
42:08For best costume
42:09No
42:09No
42:10I saw Fresh Out of Compton
42:12It's okay
42:13It was okay
42:14Not a fucking Academy Award winner
42:16I saw it eight times on HBO
42:18It's okay
42:19Nobody was jumping up and down
42:20Now you want to come out
42:22And you're mad about the fucking Oscars
42:24Where were you in 73?
42:25When the best black film of all time came out
42:28Blackula
42:28The best movie of all fucking time
42:31If you ain't black
42:33You ain't proud, bitch
42:34You haven't seen Blackula
42:35They ran out of black makeup
42:37They put pink on his cheeks and shit
42:39He didn't even have a cape
42:40That's how bad he was
42:41He was half vampire
42:43And half pimp
42:44That's never been written before
42:45He didn't even bite you in the neck
42:48He just sucked his horn
42:50That's it
42:50He just went like this with his cape
42:53And a big black thing came out
42:54Like Willy Vandy and shit
42:56Fucking Blackula
42:59Nobody cared about Blackula
43:01Not one person
43:02That was 1973
43:03The same year
43:04Marlon Brando
43:05Sent the Indian up
43:07The American Indian
43:08I know you guys are looking at me like
43:09Joy, what do I give a fuck about this?
43:10Because my shows are not about
43:12Ha-has and hee-hees
43:13I want you to taste something with you
43:15You understand me?
43:16Knowledge is power
43:17I have a coca
43:17Okay
43:18Two weeks ago
43:19I got up in the middle of the night
43:20Nat Geo had a show about how to make meth
43:22I don't do meth
43:23Did I watch it?
43:25Abso-fucking-lutely, right?
43:28Some night somebody comes over
43:29I got no rolling papers
43:30Fuck it
43:31I got batteries
43:32I got cold medicine
43:33I'll tune you up, cocksucker
43:35Knowledge is power
43:38What was I talking about?
43:42I'm sorry
43:42Yeah, fucking Brando sends this American Indian up
43:50Because they're protesting American Indians
43:53And not one black guy got up and said
43:54Fuck the Indians
43:55How about Blackula, cocksucker?
43:58Not one guy got up
43:59And now you want to protest it
44:00And you guys know for a fact
44:02For a fact now
44:03After all this time on earth
44:05Black Dracula
44:06Is way better than white Dracula
44:08They're tremendous
44:10Remember fucking Blade?
44:12Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about
44:13Chinese people dancing with blood on them
44:16Guy getting his dick sucked and shit
44:19And all of a sudden Blade came in with his sword
44:21Stabbing motherfuckers
44:23That's a tremendous motion picture
44:34Every racist watches that fucking movie
44:37Even the KKK watches it once a month
44:40And shit
44:41We love Spade
44:43But you all know
44:46And you say this shit
44:48Everybody knows that black people
44:49Are the best
44:50Of scaring people
44:51Nobody scares people like black people
44:54I'm definitely out of jokes
45:01I don't fucking know what happened
45:07You know what I'm saying?
45:08And sometimes
45:08I'm just getting old
45:10I'm getting old
45:12The fun guy told
45:13I got this little fucking girl
45:18I got to raise and shit
45:19And that's enough pressure
45:20When you got to raise a little girl
45:21That's enough pressure
45:22When you're a fucking savage
45:23You know
45:24My life has changed completely
45:26There were days
45:27I used to get pictures of women
45:28Lighting firecrackers
45:29And their monkey and shit
45:30Texting me
45:31Now I got to raise those things
45:33As a responsible dad
45:34Right?
45:35You can't even look at them
45:37They're like
45:37Fuck them
45:37Trying to raise my daughter
45:42You know
45:42Like
45:42I'm 53
45:43Listen
45:44The average man
45:46Lives until he's 74
45:47Let's pretend I did a couple things
45:49I swam into Hudson
45:50I drank Flint water
45:53You know what I'm saying?
45:55I'm not going to live to 74
45:57So I got to do what I can do
46:00Now I don't want my daughter
46:00To grow up to be a victim
46:01I don't want her outside
46:02The YMCA crying
46:03With a teddy bear
46:04Let me in and shit
46:05I want her to stab motherfuckers
46:07I ain't fucking with you people
46:08I swear to God
46:10I can't have that shit in my house
46:11Last week at daycare
46:12I watch her
46:13I take her to daycare
46:14If I'm home
46:15I walk her and pick her the fuck up
46:16I need that responsibility
46:17Because I failed once as a parent
46:19We'll get to that later
46:20So
46:21This time I do it the fuck right
46:23And I walk her
46:24And I let her know
46:25I got her back
46:26And the other day
46:26I took her to fucking school
46:27And some kid pushed her
46:28Like pushed her a little bit
46:29And she didn't know
46:30You know
46:30When they're there
46:31I don't want
46:32Listen
46:32I don't want her life virginity
46:33To be broken yet
46:34You have two virginities
46:36You have your little monkey virginity
46:37And your life virginity
46:39Right
46:40Like my life virginity
46:41Broke at five
46:42I got hit in the head
46:42With a fucking thermos
46:44Alright
46:45And that changed me forever
46:46After that
46:47Bruce Lee came along
46:48And I became a karate man
46:49And I became a pyromaniac
46:51I started lighting things on fire
46:52And shit
46:53That changed me forever
46:55That hit in the head
46:56If I didn't get hit
46:57Until I was ten
46:57My life would have taken
46:58A different fucking turn
46:59You know what I'm saying
47:00Then I got left back
47:01Then everything I got left back
47:02Because I got addicted to dry humping
47:03I used to dry hump this girl
47:04I used to dry hump this girl
47:07Every day after school
47:08Just dry humping
47:08No breast
47:09No tit
47:10No nothing
47:10We dry hump
47:11To earth when you're fired
47:13Every day
47:15The one side
47:16I just dry hump
47:17I used to tear that zipper up
47:19I used to
47:20And I got so retarded
47:22I didn't do my homework
47:23I didn't go to karate
47:24I got left back and shit
47:26I'm sorry I gotta tell you that
47:28But we gotta be on the truing level here
47:29I'm no fucking Socrates here
47:32So
47:32I don't want my daughter
47:34To end up fucking dry humping
47:35You understand me
47:36Because that's what happens
47:37A couple weeks ago
47:38I had to go to Pittsburgh
47:39For something
47:39And as I'm leaving
47:40My wife goes
47:41It's her first dance
47:42At school
47:42And I go fuck
47:44Why didn't you tell me
47:44This two weeks ago
47:45I would have fucking cancelled
47:45I gotta replace for Friday night
47:47I wanna go to that dance
47:48She goes it's no big deal
47:49You can miss a fucking dance
47:51From time to time
47:51I go no you can't
47:52No you can't
47:53Because they remember that shit
47:54There you are one night
47:55Watching Wild World of Sports
47:56And she's in the garage
47:58Blowing a guy
47:58Because
47:59Because you didn't go
48:01To the fucking dance
48:02When she was three
48:03This is the shit
48:04I think about
48:04You understand me
48:05I did a lot of creepy things
48:07When I was growing up
48:07Okay
48:08Let me tell you
48:09Lesson number one
48:10If you're a racist
48:11Don't have a sister
48:12That one just works by itself
48:26You know what I'm saying
48:27That's like a magician
48:29With a coffin
48:30It works by his fucking self
48:31I gotta get the fuck
48:36Out of here guys
48:36But I wanna thank you guys
48:38For letting me
48:40Shoot my fucking special
48:41In your fucking
48:42Tremendous city man
48:43I did it
48:52And I don't know
48:57If you guys know
48:57This is my first special ever
48:58I mean I picked you guys
49:00You know
49:01In 1995
49:02I got into a divorce
49:04You know
49:05The bitch took my fucking mustard
49:07Who tastes your mustard
49:09Has anybody ever taken your mustard
49:11It cuts deep
49:12You understand me
49:12Nobody tastes your fucking mustard
49:14You people are Chicago people
49:16Can you imagine
49:16You make a hot dog
49:17You put a pickle on it
49:18And you're ready
49:19To throw the mustard
49:20On that motherfucker
49:20And there's no mustard
49:21In your house
49:22You'll run to a house
49:23And stab her three times
49:24Out of principle
49:25And the same cop
49:27That lets off
49:28The Vietnam vet
49:29At the stadium
49:30Will let you off
49:31That day
49:32She did what
49:32She took your motherfucking mustard
49:34I hope you stabbed her
49:3718 times and shit
49:38But I didn't go for it
49:41So I lost a child
49:42Like I lost a kid
49:43In a divorce type deal
49:44Like the kid to me
49:45Don't talk
49:46You know what I'm saying
49:46So I had a decision
49:48To make in 1995
49:49Because I was going to
49:49Kill those motherfuckers
49:50You know me dog
49:51When you got one foot in the grave
49:52One a banana peel
49:53I had nothing to fucking lose
49:54And they kept fucking with me
49:57And at that time
49:58I was just starting comedy
49:58I used to come home at night
49:59And cry myself to sleep and shit
50:00Like I would write the clubs
50:02I wanted to perform
50:03Like I'm not going to be good enough
50:04And then it don't matter
50:05Because I'm going to end up in jail
50:06And I kept saying that shit to myself
50:08I'm going to go to jail
50:08I'm going to stab her
50:09And the boyfriend
50:10And I'm going to go to jail
50:11And get a fax machine
50:12And fax jokes to Jay Leno
50:14And shit
50:14That was my future
50:17I swear to God
50:17And one day
50:18He called me a spick and shit
50:20And I had two felonies
50:21Right
50:22And I smacked him
50:23And the cop came
50:24But I had done commuting
50:25Listen
50:25I got caught shoplifting one day
50:27A fucking CD
50:30I used to go to Sears
50:31When I was broke
50:32And I'd take like
50:32A whole case of CDs
50:34And sell them for $8 a pop
50:35And one day
50:36I got caught
50:36While I was out
50:37On a felony charge
50:38So I couldn't tell them
50:39Who I was
50:39So this is the same cops
50:40That arrested me
50:41On the felony charge
50:42I gave them a different
50:43Fucking name
50:43That's how cool I was
50:44Okay
50:46They were in the jail
50:47Calling me Jose
50:49But on the paper
50:51I had like Carlos
50:52Or something like that
50:53Right
50:53And they're like
50:54How you doing Jose
50:55And I'm fingerprinting and shit
50:56So I talked my way out of there
50:58Let me tell you how God
50:59In fucking life is fucked up
51:00So I went back
51:02Like I didn't just get out
51:03I had to call like a girlfriend
51:04And go
51:04Hi
51:04This is Carlos Perez
51:06Or whatever fucking name I gave her
51:08Remember I took you out
51:09On a date last week
51:10And she's like
51:10This is Joey
51:11I'm going
51:11This is Carlos Perez
51:12I lost my wallet
51:13Come to the station
51:14And bail me out
51:16So she came and bailed me
51:17I was like a $50 bail
51:18But I needed somebody
51:18Because I had no wallet on me
51:20I had a wallet
51:20It was in my car
51:21They didn't fucking know that
51:22The whole time
51:23I just got out of jail
51:25For kidnapping
51:25And I'm in there again
51:27For shoplifting
51:28And they can't tell the difference
51:29But me being the asshole
51:31That I did
51:31I even went back to court
51:32As Carlos
51:34The shoplifter
51:34Right
51:35You know why
51:37Because I'm fucking loyal
51:38That's why
51:39And they sentenced me
51:42To six months
51:42But community service
51:44So
51:46I go
51:47You know what
51:47I'm going to go do
51:48Community service
51:49At the HIV place
51:50And I would go over there
51:52And sweep
51:52And shovel snow
51:53And I would paint the wall
51:54And there was a cop there
51:55And me and the cop
51:56Would talk every day
51:57Like what's up
51:58Doing nothing
51:58How you doing
51:59Joey what makes you
51:59Come down here
52:00I'm on probation
52:00What'd you do
52:01And we just became friends
52:02So I finished my six months
52:04Of doing the fucking wall
52:06At the AIDS place
52:07And I did it on time
52:08And I forgot all about it
52:09So this one day
52:10I'm with my three year old
52:11She was five at the time
52:12This is 20 years ago
52:14And I'm going to drop her off
52:15And she says
52:16Joey what does spic mean
52:17And I go
52:18It means a Spanish person
52:19Who told you this
52:20And she goes
52:20Every time you call the house
52:21That's what mommy's boyfriend
52:22Calls you
52:23So I said
52:25I'm going to fuck
52:26This motherfucker up
52:27Right
52:27So
52:30That was it
52:31Like six months early
52:33I went to his job
52:33With a knife
52:34And he wasn't there
52:35And I was already prepared
52:36To take this motherfucker out
52:38And I had two felonies
52:39So I know the third one
52:40Had to count
52:41Like I just couldn't push him
52:42You know what I'm saying
52:42I had to punch him
52:44And stand on him
52:45And kick him in the head
52:45And drag him with the car
52:47Like it had to be fun
52:48You know what I'm saying
52:49So I get there
52:54And he's standing out there
52:55Like Joe Muscles
52:56But I met him by Safeway
52:58And it was on 30th street
53:00So I got out of the car
53:01With two felonies
53:02I didn't give a fuck
53:03The kid's in the car
53:04And she wasn't raised like me
53:06Like I saw people getting beat up
53:07When I was a kid
53:08I saw my dad bit slap people
53:09I loved it, right?
53:11She's sitting in the car
53:11And I go up to John
53:14I go, hey dog
53:15Did you call me a speck?
53:17And he's like
53:17I don't know what you're talking about
53:18And I go
53:19You called me a fucking speck, man
53:20I go, don't, don't, don't get this
53:22Just say it
53:23And I'll leave you the fuck alone
53:24He goes, I didn't say it
53:26I go, so you're telling me
53:27My little kid's a fucking liar
53:28She goes, no
53:29But I didn't say it
53:30And I go
53:31I'm giving you one more chance
53:32To fucking say that
53:33You say it
53:33And I was going to hit him
53:34No matter what
53:35Okay
53:38My mom used to have an expression
53:39If you thought about hitting him
53:40And you didn't hit him
53:41You fucked up
53:41Alright
53:42So I said
53:44John, just tell me the truth
53:45He didn't tell me
53:46So I fucking bit slapped him
53:47And he went down a little bit
53:48Called the police
53:49And some lady
53:50But the cops that came
53:54Guess who was the cop
53:55The AIDS guy
53:57So he came out of the car
53:59Joey, what's going on?
54:00So he came to me first
54:01Meanwhile, this guy's
54:02Holding an ice pack
54:03And I'm like, fuck him
54:04He called me a spick
54:05This bad motherfucker
54:06So he gave me a ticket
54:07He gave me a ticket
54:10And then the next day
54:11He went to court
54:12And it was the judge
54:13That sentenced me
54:14To the four fucking years
54:15In prison
54:16So I got a second chance
54:18So the judge goes
54:20Joey, if she ever fucking
54:21Doesn't show up with the kid
54:22We'll give you contempt to court
54:24So I beat him
54:25Now the whole on the walkout
54:26I'm like, how you like me now, bitch?
54:27But I, you know what?
54:33After the whole thing was over
54:34I felt really bad
54:35And I go, you know what?
54:35I'm never going to get the razor
54:36Like I want to
54:37And they're never
54:39This is going to end up bad
54:40You just know
54:41You don't have to be
54:41A fucking genius
54:42To know when something's
54:44Going to end up bad
54:45They were playing
54:46Outside their league
54:47And I already had a plan
54:48I had these two Vietnam vets
54:49I used to hang with
54:50When I first got there
54:53I met them
54:53And one time we saw a guy
54:54That was going to jump
54:55I'll never forget this
54:561985
54:57I'm 19 years old
54:58We see a guy
54:59Outside the Fox Theater
55:00Three stories
55:01He wouldn't have died
55:02He was just out there
55:03And he's like
55:04I'm threatening to jump
55:05I was a new kid in Colorado
55:07I'm trying to change my life
55:08And I'm with this guy
55:09And he's like
55:09Jump, motherfucker
55:10Jump
55:11And I'm like
55:12You can't do that
55:13Well, I kept in touch
55:14With that guy
55:14And I didn't know
55:17One day I went to his house
55:18I just thought
55:18He went to Vietnam
55:19And he was a soldier
55:20I went to his house
55:21He had ears and fingers
55:23And medals and shit
55:25And I'm like
55:25Damn
55:26He had machine guns
55:28And he's like
55:28I'll kill anybody
55:29I go, listen
55:29Help me kill my ex-wife
55:34And he was brilliant
55:35He was brilliant
55:37This motherfucker's like
55:38We're not going to shoot her
55:39We're going to kidnap her
55:40And take her to the park
55:41And rub maple syrup on her
55:43And then leave her out there
55:46Overnight
55:46And let the bears get her
55:47You ever see what happens
55:48When a bear gets you at night
55:49They only leave an elbow
55:51And a tooth
55:52That's it
55:52And you know what, guys
55:56That's not what I was about
55:57I wanted to be a comedian
55:58And I wanted to do something
56:00With my life
56:00You know
56:01Like I really did
56:01Even with my two fucking felonies
56:03And my fucked up head
56:04I'm like
56:05If I could just turn my life
56:06Around a little bit
56:07I could be her fucking father
56:09With no drama
56:10Well, it didn't turn out
56:11That way
56:12You know what I'm saying
56:12It turned out a different way
56:14But I got a second chance
56:16Of the family
56:16And guess what
56:17I got my first special
56:19And you guys are a part of it
56:20Thank you very much
56:21Thank you very much
56:26Thank you
56:27So
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