Comedian Brad Williams on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Transcript

00:00we are very happy for the return of the one and only brad williams ladies and gentlemen

00:18hello the return the return i like that that's cool well dave wasn't here the last time the

00:25last time yeah because he was off having a baby right i named him i named him brad you know you

00:31should you should was he uh what was your baby a dwarf as well no he came out with your goatee though

00:39oh that's very strange that's very strange now for those you don't know for those you don't know

00:43me uh i am a dwarf a little person a person of short stature um actual dwarf okay not like i'm i was

00:50watching the nfl draft last night and they're like oh man baker mayfield so short at five foot eleven

00:58what i will i will stab you in the neck i mean i'll need a trampoline to do it but i'll do it like

01:04he's so brave at five foot eleven he's not brave when he goes to the store when he goes to the

01:12clothing store all the clothes fit him okay he's not brave i he's never done he's never lived my

01:19life he's never had to pick up a woman with bob the builder on his t-shirt all right that's brave

01:27shut up baker mayfield five foot eleven country boy anyway i'm sorry that that that just angered me

01:37because i would do horrible things behind a dumpster to be five foot eleven it's like it's like when

01:42these athletes at the end of every at the end of every game they always put a microphone in front of

01:47their face and then whenever they win they're like man no one thought i could do it no one thought i

01:53could do it it's like i don't know you're a six five black guy you run a four two forty i think we had

01:58an assumption i think we had an idea you could do it uh you know you're in the pros i i hate that

02:10comment no one believed i could no one believed i could win listen i'm four foot four if i dunk

02:16that's a no one believed i could do it that that one that one that's when you're allowed to be like

02:24no no one no one saw that one coming no one so where'd we start for me to get to that point i had a

02:32baby baby baby wait how old your baby now a little over a year all right start sending me the clothes

02:39cool i want free stuff i want swag make sure it's good stuff they got good baby stuff now they got

02:48some like they got some like couture baby stuff that like rich people like to put their babies in

02:54and i'm like oh that looks nice i love this where do you shop where do i shop dude honest this looks

03:03like kohl's if i had to guess yeah no the baby gap uh nosh kosh no um that that's the thing um

03:12because they say the way to a man's heart is is through his stomach uh my wife can sew and tailor

03:19and the way to a dwarf's heart is through sewing and tailoring i don't care about your lasagna like

03:27can you fix the cuff in my pants okay like that's like for a dwarf that's like

03:31and yeah uh i got married in the past year i got married seven months ago uh my wife is tall

03:40that's how you know i'm good at my job people see my wife and they're like wow he must be very

03:47funny because yes she's a tall she's a tall asian woman i got a hot tall asian woman that's right i got

03:55one of yours i'm so happy right now she could so my youth pastor growing up was actually a dwarf

04:06your youth pastor yes and how are you gonna be talking about god when a god obviously skipped you

04:14how are you gonna be there like oh the lord is with me was he was he or did he make you and go

04:24oh crap i forgot to put all the legs on that one

04:26how are you really you make a good point but i brought it up because i remember how did he baptize

04:36the babies he can't even swim let's see he's baptizing in like in like two inches of water

04:45they got that little pool it's a it's a bird bath but for him he's doing laps in between services

04:52oh god your pastor was a dwarf he was youth pastor what he wasn't the a-list pastor yeah

04:59i'd see i don't even know because like don't the preachers don't they speak at a podium podiums

05:06mess dwarves up that's the that's the reason there'll never be a dwarf president not because of some

05:12sort of prejudice or anything like this podiums the first speech would be like ladies and gentlemen

05:17the president of the united states son of a bitch this would be horrible sorry i keep interrupting

05:24you but i can't get over the fact your youth pastor was a dwarf i remember my brother though saying when

05:29he saw his wife yeah holy crap daddy got a full-grown a full-grown that's a better name no i like i like

05:38my name for tall people i i like to call you guys reachers um that's that's what i use you for

05:46but i'm at the supermarket reach that for me please and you do it's fantastic because you feel guilty

05:53because you feel that if you don't help the dwarf get his cap and crunch you'll go to hell

05:57and it's true you will that's what the pastor should have been talking about get my cereal

06:04that's it but here here's the thing that i that i've discovered is that if i'm ever at a bar or

06:11something i'm out and like some guy makes me mad and i yell at him there's something about when a

06:17dwarf gets mad at you people get terrified i've screamed at like guys that look like they're o-linemen

06:24and they're petrified i don't know what it is i don't know if they're like if this guy has this

06:29much confidence to yell at me i don't know if he knows something i don't know if they think dwarves are

06:33magical and they're like he's gonna do a curse on me i know it's the leprechaun movies yeah he's

06:37gonna go seem seem salabiam and then boom and then now and now i'm a toad like i don't know what it

06:43is but like when dwarves get mad but you have to be authentically mad you can't like half-ass it you

06:49can't just be like hey could you stop that like you gotta be like what up mother like like like you

06:54gotta like you gotta do that but see now here's here's the cool part about my life i don't have to do

07:00that anymore my my wife is my enforcer and and and look and legitimately my my wife is a fourth uh

07:08don black belt in taekwondo okay she's ranked at one point she was ranked number two in the nation

07:14wow so that's that's who i roll with and don't get me wrong it's incredibly sexy but it's terrifying

07:21because if she flips that switch i'm dead i'm dead there's nothing i could do and you lose your

07:28sailor yeah i don't want to do that there's no dwarf defense for black belt i can't throw down a

07:33smoke bomb like midget vanish like i can't do that i'm dead so yeah i like but yeah so that that's

07:43that's what i roll with now so now like so all right because i was watching the 76ers game the

07:48other night when they won okay and it was it was a great game 76ers were playing awesome i'm really

07:54happy for the city of philly between the eagles and villanova and now the sixers are good again

07:59great the only problem i had with the 76ers win is that after the win joel and bead went up to kevin

08:07hart and straight up lion kingdom

08:12yes he picked up kevin hart and i'm like you don't pick up a little man don't like joel and bead

08:21i love you but if you try to pick me up you'll need more than a face mask my friend okay

08:27you don't need to have that face mask guarding a certain lower region of your body because my legs

08:33will be kicking

08:34i actually know Kika

08:43okay

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08:45at you

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