Is live-in relationship better than marriage? || Acharya Prashant (2020)

Acharya Prashant

🧔🏻‍♂️ Want to meet Acharya Prashant? Be a part of the Live Sessions: https://acharyaprashant.org/hi/enquiry-gita-course?cmId=m00046  📚 Want to read Acharya Prashant's Books? Get Free Delivery: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/books?cmId=m00046  📝 Read 3 handpicked wisdom articles, just for you: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/articles?cmId=m00046  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~   Video Information: Interview Session, 12.01.20, Advait Bodhsthal, Greater Noida, India.  Context: ~ Why is there such a need to be with someone? ~ How is marriage different from a live-in relationship? Is live-in relationship an unofficial marriage? ~ Is live-in relationship and marriage the same? Is live-in relationship harmful to society and culture? ~ Is live-in relationship expression of our freedom? Is live-in relationship against our religion? ~ Is live-in relationship sign of degradation of our culture?  Music Credits: Milind Date   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Transcript

00:00There is a growing trend of having live-in relationships as opposing to marriage.

00:14So escaping marriage, we are finding more people falling in live-in relationships.

00:21Is that a movement forward?

00:24Would that be considered something, you know, as good as something that would take us towards

00:34freedom?

00:37We are very good at playing with names.

00:49So if you are married to someone, you live with him or her.

00:58In a live-in relationship too, you live with somebody.

01:02How does it matter?

01:04Ultimately, you are living with somebody.

01:07Why are you living with anybody?

01:16You can choose the marriage route, you can choose the live-in route, you can choose some

01:22other route, you can decide to be part of a commune or some other setting, some other

01:29kind of gathering, a club or something.

01:34But the thing is about company and relationship.

01:39Why is there such a hungry need to be with someone?

01:45And when I say why, I mean why, it's a question, not an allegation.

01:52When I say why is there such a need to be with someone, we need to answer this.

02:03It's mostly about men and women being together, right?

02:08There is a man, there is a woman.

02:12When they are married, then they have obtained some kind of a social license, a sanction.

02:20The hold of the society is now loosening.

02:25The old barriers of religion and caste are slowly crumbling.

02:31And especially the big cities offer a lot of anonymity.

02:35So you can afford to be together without seeking the sanction of family or society

02:45and that you call as live-in relationship.

02:49In fact, many, if most, if not most of the live-in partners would probably not have moved

02:59into live-in had it been possible to somehow get married.

03:09Given a choice, they would get married, but because marriage is being opposed on grounds

03:13of caste, religion, economics or something.

03:18So they decide to live-in in an anonymous way.

03:22I am not saying this happens in all live-in cases, but in a large number of cases this

03:26too is the story.

03:30So all of a sudden it is about the desire to be with a person, whether in the married

03:36way or in the unmarried way.

03:39Why is there such a great desire to sleep on the same bed and live in the same room?

03:47What the hell is that person bringing to your life?

03:54Must that question not be asked?

03:58Even if you get married, what do you do?

04:00You bring a man or woman to your house or you move to his house, whichever way.

04:08What's so great in sleeping upon somebody's bed or having somebody else come to your bed?

04:17And is that not what the culmination of marriage is about, sharing a common bed and gaining

04:29the authority to slip your hand inside somebody's pants?

04:36Even the courts of law call that as consummation of marriage.

04:46So live-in is unofficially a marriage.

04:49Live-in is an unofficial marriage.

04:51Live-in is marriage not sanctioned by society.

04:54Otherwise what really is the difference, tell me?

04:59And we said many of the live-in couples would marry if marriage were to be made possible

05:06to them.

05:12Married couples fight and there have been so many reports of live-in partners not merely

05:20fighting but actually assaulting each other and even killing each other.

05:26If my memory serves me right, the courts have ruled that if two people have been living

05:35with each other since long in a live-in way, they are to be treated as de facto married

05:41couples and having lived in with a woman, if you drop her after let's say 3 or 4 years,

05:50you are even liable to pay alimony and such stuff.

05:55I might not be expressing the legal nuances very accurately but that's the gist of what

06:02even the courts have ruled.

06:07So there is not much difference between live-in and marriage.

06:11The question is, one, why do you need a partner?

06:16You need to ask that to yourself.

06:17Secondly, if you indeed do need a partner, are you with the wrong person?

06:23Are you with the right person?

06:27If you discover that you really do need the presence of somebody in your life, first of

06:31all the reasons must be very, very clear.

06:34You cannot just blindly go about inviting somebody into your very, very personal inner

06:41space.

06:42The reason has to be absolutely clear.

06:45Secondly, if you are clear that you indeed do need someone, then you need to very honestly,

06:50very rigorously ask yourself, the person that I am right now choosing, is he really right

06:58for me?

07:00To answer that question, you will have to move into the spiritual dimension.

07:06When you want to answer whether that person is right for me, you need to know who you

07:11are.

07:12You need to know what your deepest desire is.

07:16And then you also need to know what would really fill that desire.

07:23So you ask me, is live-in really an advancement?

07:30Not quite, not quite.

07:33It is just another kind of marriage, just another kind of marriage.

07:44Cohabitation is a sensitive thing.

07:50Living with somebody, cohabitation is a very sensitive thing.

07:57One thing that really changes your life this way or that way is the power of company.

08:03When you are living with somebody, then that person gains enormous power to affect your

08:12life in all kinds of ways.

08:14And you too get that power.

08:16So it is both a vulnerability and a responsibility.

08:20You become responsible for the other person's upkeep and you cannot do justice to that responsibility

08:26if you are not a spiritually evolved person.

08:30If you are someone who cannot take care of herself, how will you be sure that your presence,

08:38your company is not becoming an influence of sickness on the other person?

08:48So be very, very alert about cohabitation.

08:55Just don't start living with anybody.

08:58Be very, very conscious of your personal space.

09:04It is sacred.

09:06Not everybody must be allowed to enter it.

09:09I am not merely talking of the body.

09:13The mind is much, much more sacred than the body.

09:19The purity and such things of the body probably do not matter so much, but the mind must be

09:26kept virgin.

09:29Not every Tom, Dick, Harry must be allowed to touch your mind.

09:35Be very cautious.

09:40That applies to your friends and your family.

09:42That applies to your friends, your family, everybody.

09:45Very, very, very good interjection.

09:46Very good.

09:47Very good.

09:48So when you are talking of marriage and living and such things, you must first of all be

09:53careful about your family members as well.

09:56Now that makes it a little explosive.

09:59But then, as a teacher, it is my responsibility that this aspect too is brought out.

10:06Aren't you living with your family members?

10:09You aren't probably related to them in a sexual way, but the power of company, the influence

10:14of a person's presence on your life is still taking place.

10:22So see, what is the presence of other people doing to you?

10:30Similarly, when you are with a sexual partner, then the power and the influence are magnified

10:42many fold, but even if the one you are with is not your husband or wife or sexual partner,

10:52even if that person is merely a friend or a brother or a sister or a father or a mother

10:56or a relative, company would still show effect.

11:05So be very cautious of the one you are spending time with, the face that you are regularly

11:11seeing, the body that you are regularly smelling, the voice that you are frequently hearing.

11:18These are the things that would decide the direction of your life.

11:25So for the youth in this sense, is there a specific age where you just need to be alone

11:33in the sense that you know you have to first explore?

11:38Obviously, you must learn aloneness.

11:42You must learn aloneness.

11:43Before you relate with people, you must be very, very comfortable with yourself.

11:48If you are someone who cannot be with herself comfortably, easily, gladly, then kindly

11:57spare the other person.

12:00If you are not alright with yourself, then don't start piggybacking on the other and

12:06usually it is that way.

12:10You go to the other precisely because you are not okay with yourself, which is not good.

12:16At the same time, we must remember that we will have to relate with each other.

12:22We are not going to live insulated, isolated.

12:27We are going to be related, but the relationship has to be healthy.

12:32You should not become a burden on the other.

12:35You should not become a carrier of pathology to the other.

12:43A couple of things just as like for everybody who's listening, like if a youngster is listening

12:49to this, what are the ways in which they can take steps to learn to be alone?

12:55Like is it…

12:56Read.

12:57When you are reading, it cannot be a group activity, obviously.

13:01You and the book, read, learn to travel alone, watch movies alone, play.

13:14There is so much that can be done only in your aloneness and that would keep you, make

13:21you very, very strong from the inside, very fulfilled, very complete in yourself.

13:28Then you would not be approaching the other as a beggar.

13:34Then even if you approach the other, then even if you relate to the other, it would

13:38be a relationship of health, a relationship in which you have something to give, a relationship

13:47of joy, not a relationship of dependence and desperation.

13:51Where maybe everybody who you are surrounding are reading.

13:57Yes, yes, yes.

13:58We need to see a lot of young people travelling on their own.

14:02We need to see a lot of young people living all by themselves for very long years.

14:08Many, many long years.

14:11We need to see these things and we need to see young people who are much more socially

14:15conscious.

14:16So when I say they are living all by themselves, that does not mean that they are socially

14:20cut off.

14:21They are relating to the wider society in a purposeful, productive, creative way.

14:27They are not just going and riveting themselves to one male or one female and declaring that

14:34the two of them are their entire universe.

14:37And that's what happens, you know, when you say you are in love, especially when you are

14:41freshly in love, you say it's the two of us and that's our world.

14:45No, not that way.

14:47When you are really comfortable with yourself, then you find that you have gained the power

14:54and the expanse to relate with a hundred people, hundred people, without making any of them

15:00extraordinarily and pathologically special for yourself.

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