How to Deal with Toxic People? || Acharya Prashant (2019)

Acharya Prashant

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Transcript

00:00Namaste Sir, I'm Shelly. My question is how to deal with the toxic people in our daily

00:08life? And sometimes their behavior adds negativity and upset in my life. And how to deal such

00:16situation and how to stay positive when we are when I'm dealing with such personalities?

00:23You are Shelly, you said? Yes, Shelly. Shelly, how did you first of all manage to accommodate

00:31so many toxic people in your daily life? Like attracts like. My question to you is how did

00:41you first of all have so many toxic people gravitate to you? How did that happen? It's

00:48a miracle. Not so many Sir, one or two people. Even those two people, how are they managing

00:58to stick around? Why are they still in your sensory or mental domain? Why do you see them?

01:07Why do you think of them? Because I can't avoid them. No, that's exactly what toxicity

01:18is. That's exactly what toxicity is. Something that cannot be avoided. That's everybody's

01:24apology and explanation. Just as you say you cannot avoid toxic people. Similarly, the

01:31toxic people say they cannot avoid being toxic. That's everybody's apology. Now what do

01:37you do? Tell me. My problem is I'm always reacting them. You always? I'm always reacting

01:49them when they are manipulating, when they are judging. I used to think that I will be

01:57silent, but in some situation I can't. So I will. No, no, we need to stick to my question.

02:04Why are these people there in your life at all? Of course Sir, they are my family members.

02:16So why do they need to be necessarily there in your life? Who told you that the family

02:24is bigger than everything else? You are not born to be a family woman. You are born to

02:32be liberated. Liberation is bigger than everything. Your gender, your identities, your roles,

02:40your relationships, all of these are subservient to your existential purpose. You do not exist

02:51to be a family member. You are born alone, you will die alone. What is this thing about

02:58family? The only thing that will remain with you is the height of consciousness you could

03:06reach. In fact, the ones who have known have told us that if you could reach great heights

03:15and even transcend the heights, those heights remain so much with you that even your death

03:22does not matter, you become immortal. Will the family remain with you always? They are

03:32already bothering you so much. Not everyone, but some people, because just two days back

03:42they are judging, manipulating and I can't control, so I said, I reacted, but that affected

03:49me. You are not being fully willing to consider my question. If there are such people,

04:02what compulsion do you have to have interactions with them? Please tell me.

04:08And it is these compulsions that fuel the toxicity.

04:13If toxicity knows that it would be thrown out of the window, it would change its ways,

04:24but it does not mend itself because it knows it would be accommodated. Why do you accommodate it

04:32so much? And by accommodating it, are you doing yourself any good? Are you doing the other person

04:39any good? That person will continue to remain toxic. You will continue to suffer. You will

04:45continue to feel like a victim. He will continue to be himself. Who is gaining? Nobody is gaining.

05:01Right? You know what is the fundamental problem? This feeling of obligation, this feeling of

05:09compulsiveness, this feeling that you are indebted, that there is a great responsibility

05:19to bear all nonsense and all of this arises from an ignorance of one's true nature.

05:27Since we do not know who we really are, therefore, we take on all kinds of needless

05:34roles, responsibilities and identities. Every second lost to mischief

05:44is a second that you owed to your own inner progress. Every second lost to toxicity

05:54is a moment stolen away from its right utilisation.

06:06Do you see what kind of loss that is?

06:14Also, remember, we are talking of just one side of the story. If we manage to bring

06:22those two so-called toxic people to this conversation, they will have their own tale to tell.

06:33Toxicity is not something necessarily present in a person.

06:38It breeds in an environment, not really in a person.

06:44And if it is there in an environment, there are many people responsible for it.

06:51Stop being one of those who are responsible for that toxicity.

06:58You can support toxicity actively by displaying toxic behaviour or you can

07:07support toxicity passively by tolerating toxic behaviour.

07:13Active or passive, support is support, is it not?

07:23And there is fun in portraying oneself as the victim of toxicity.

07:27We are not just victims of toxicity, we are supporters of toxicity.

07:32Please understand, all these concepts that have been implanted in our minds,

07:44that cohesion is of prime importance, that

07:48all these concepts that have been implanted in our minds,

07:55that cohesion is of prime importance, that

08:01staying together is of prime importance, that being

08:11a good mannered and dainty girl, a woman is of prime importance,

08:17these are junk principles.

08:27The real principles of life have never been taught to us.

08:33What really matters in life is not your good etiquette, but your deep wisdom.

08:41But wisdom is something we never respected, never quite cultivated with intent.

08:59Instead, we value a lot of other things and those other things, they are actually valueless.

09:11We have just been taught to value them.

09:15Stop giving values to things that have none.

09:24Call a spade a spade and it is not about being vindictive,

09:32it is not about retribution.

09:37In some sense, it is also about helping that other toxic person.

09:46Somebody has to call him out and that need not be done with a lot of anger,

09:52that has to be done as an exercise in factfulness.

09:56That has to be done as an exercise in factfulness.

10:03Why not tell it to the other person that he or she is displaying sick behavior,

10:10that that person's behavior is adversely affecting

10:16the mental well-being of a lot of other people, at least one other person.

10:21And you do that honestly and you do that without any violence.

10:28If the other person is his own well-wisher, he will listen to you.

10:36That must be your intention and if he does not listen,

10:41then you cannot foist yourself on someone.

10:46People improve by their own consent.

10:52If you tell the right things to a person and he does not want to improve,

10:58you cannot force him to.

11:02That's not in your hands.

11:04But your own well-being is definitely in your hands.

11:08I repeat, if you force someone to do something that is not in your hands,

11:15I repeat, there is no obligation, no responsibility

11:19to stay put in an environment or with people who adversely impact your mental health.

11:38Anything else?

11:40No, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you so much.

11:44Thank you.

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