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BRITCOM ONE
  • 2 days ago

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00:00And women, we think we've developed good instincts, though we can spot the red flags waving in the distance and take a different route.
00:07But sometimes, we can't see them. Not until it's too late.
00:11What? What?
00:13Alright. My bar mitzvah theme was Weezer.
00:20What are you talking about? That's not a bar mitzvah theme.
00:23It sure as fuck was.
00:24Yeah, everybody wore these Rivers Cuomo glasses and my brother and I, we got on stage and we had these inflatable guitars and we were syncing to Undone the Sweater song.
00:36Oh my god.
00:38Oh no, see, now you're gonna dump me. I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
00:43Oh, you're so cute. I want to crush you.
00:48You know what?
00:48Hmm?
00:49If you want to destroy my sweater, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold this thread as I walk away.
00:59As I walk away, let me unravel.
01:03As I walk away, let me travel.
01:09I me.
01:13Mmm.
01:13Hey.
01:15Hey.
01:16Hey.
01:17Hey.
01:22Hey.
01:23Hey.
01:25Hey.
01:26Hey.
01:27Hey.
01:27Hey.
01:29Hey.
01:29Hey.
01:30Hey.
01:30Hey.
01:31Hey.
01:32Hey.
01:32Hey.
01:33Shoulder of your shirt, sleeve, slip in
01:35I don't wanna talk about anyone
01:38I don't wanna talk about anyone
01:41I don't wanna sleep in your car while you're driving
01:44Laying you up when I'm crying
01:54X marks a spot with the dot dot dot
01:57A dash and a slash and a question mark
02:00A man comes around then stabs you in the back
02:03He stabs you in the back
02:05And the blood drips down
02:07Criss-cross applesauce
02:09I'm making it up
02:10Spider on your shoulder
02:12Just play it now?
02:13Cool, breathe
02:15And tight squeakiness
02:18And now you have the shiveries
02:20I don't buy it
02:22I think you just made that whole thing up
02:24No, it's a game
02:25We used to play in summer camp, an all-girls camp
02:28It was actually really cozy
02:29Would've really fit in
02:30Cool
02:31How many tattoos do you have, by the way?
02:34I don't know, eight or nine, I think
02:36I can't remember
02:37Do any of them mean anything?
02:41Um...
02:44Not really
02:46No
02:47Really?
02:48Not even that one?
02:50Which one?
02:51This one, on your ass
02:53Oh
02:54It says poly
02:55Is that like a lifestyle signifier?
02:57No, poly's just a friend
02:59We got it in Portugal
03:00It was a joke when we were there together
03:02But then the ladies felt it wrong, so
03:04Yeah
03:05It's got one L
03:06I forget that one's there, to be honest
03:08I didn't really think about it that much
03:10Cool, I love it
03:12It's great
03:13Friends get tattoos all the time, so she's a girl then
03:16Um, I just am really relieved because I thought it stood for polyamorous
03:21Polyamorous?
03:22Is that the one where you date lots of women, or just one?
03:25I can never remember which way around it is
03:27Or is it like when you're married to lots of women?
03:30No
03:31Is that monogamous?
03:33What's monogamous?
03:35Is that like, that's the same thing, isn't it?
03:38Isn't it?
03:39No red flags yet, Wendy
03:42None at all, over here
03:47Live, Bob
03:48Hey!
03:49Come give me a hand
03:51Fuck it out you two, so I'm fucking lazy
03:54Fuck you fucking lazy
03:55Why?
03:56It's so grey there
03:59I thought it was going to be like, you know, all creative vibe
04:02And it would make me jealous, but yeah, I'm not jealous
04:05No, it's gorgeous, it's lovely
04:07This just doesn't convey it, you know
04:10Um, I met someone
04:12Wow, you know, this is the only area where you waste no time
04:16Uh, what does he do?
04:17Why is the first question always, what does he do?
04:19How about, how does he make you feel?
04:20What does he value?
04:21Does he fuck you from behind in like, a respectful way?
04:24Does he finger blast you?
04:25Does he know how to finger bang?
04:27Okay, Jessica
04:28I'm your mother, not your friend
04:30Keep that in mind
04:31So, he's unemployed?
04:33He's not unemployed, he's an indie musician
04:35Uh-huh, and where does he live?
04:37Well, he lives in an early Indian neighborhood
04:39You wouldn't know it, you don't know the London area, Mom
04:41Divorced?
04:42Remarried?
04:43Still married?
04:44Uh, no, not to my knowledge
04:45And yeah, before you ask, he sleeps in every day
04:48Because he used to do a lot of cocaine
04:50And he fucked up his circadian rhythms, okay?
04:52Why did I say all that?
04:54The mommy effect
04:56Oh, that's the mommy effect
04:58So, listen, I don't think we should be even talking to this guy anymore
05:02Unless you're gonna get married or something like that
05:04Because there's nothing about this conversation
05:06That makes me think that you have unbroken your broken picker
05:10I haven't broken my picker?!
05:12No, I'm serious, I love the textures
05:15I mean, the gradient alone
05:16I mean, and the juxtaposition
05:19Office wide alert, office wide alert
05:21Kim's mood board is so good
05:23It is making me want to commit auto-erotic asphyxiation
05:27I know what you're trying to do
05:29Last night's texting was abhorrent
05:31Okay, I'm sorry about that, okay?
05:33I had taken a lot of ketamine in a way that I hadn't tried it before
05:37And it all got a bit much, but I'm serious
05:39This is like, this is like a cultural reset for people who don't even believe in cultural resets
05:44I agree with that
05:45Yeah, okay
05:47It's Helena Bonham Carter in a headband
05:49Cute, it's sweet, it's the Turin horse
05:52Oh, that was a pop-up
05:55We seem to be fitting in really well
05:57Um, I did get a couple of names for you for a hair and makeup team if you want me to send them over
06:01Oh, I actually wanted to invite you around for dinner this evening
06:03Wow, that's a little intimate, but sure, I mean, I'm open
06:06I'm coming
06:08I'm coming
06:09Even I'm coming
06:10My wife and I are having a little get-together for the team, yeah
06:13It's good to form a bit of a bond, emphasis on a bit
06:16Oh, and uh, let Josie know the name of your date so that my wife can watercolour plasma card
06:21Um, or whatever she has planned
06:23And uh, if you're gluten or veganarian or whatever
06:27Oh, and uh, don't forget those ten red flags, okay?
06:33Oh, I'm Julia Roberts, bitch!
06:46Wait, are you doing the picture right now?
06:48Yeah, yeah
06:49Don't do landscape
06:50Oh, sorry
06:51Yeah
06:52Do you see blue?
06:53Do you want to give me that bag?
06:54Is that making-
06:55Yeah, yeah
06:56Can I see what's going on?
06:57Yeah, have a look
06:58Oh!
06:59Have you ever taken a picture of a woman before?
07:01Oh my god, I love it!
07:03This is the London I came here for!
07:05The London I deserve!
07:06It's like out of a movie!
07:07Yeah, a horror movie!
07:08Trust me, I grew up with the broken children of these houses and it's way more shining than it is Richard Curtis
07:14I know they're sort of painted all fancy colours, but these people are full of pent-up rage and dark secrets
07:20I know, but look, it's a yellow house!
07:22Yeah, it's yellow
07:24Listen
07:25Okay, so, you know, this is my boss, my new boss, and these are people that I work with, so I just wanted to let you know, like, let's just play it cool
07:34Like, two normal people, cool as a cucumber, just me and you, and, you know, I'm not trying to control you, of course
07:40I wouldn't want you to control me, like, I want us to feel free in this sort of whatever we're doing, you know, I want you to feel, like, free as a bird, but maybe we lose the hat
07:47Just be normal
07:48You know, just don't even think about the hat, it was never even on, it looks so nice
07:52There was one girl called, I think she was called, like, Victoria Peterson or something, she was on one of these streets, and basically she was throwing up
07:59But because she'd drunk so much Guinness, like, it was, like, black, so it looked like she was, like, seen from the Exorcist or something
08:06Anyway, that's the kind of shit we're dealing with
08:09Oh, my God, they have a blue door, too
08:11Hmm
08:12Come on, dude, that's, like, the quietest lot
08:15Well, that was aggressive, I feel like, I think I'm a delivery person
08:18That was more
08:19Okay
08:20Well, hello
08:22Hi
08:23Look at you both
08:24What a friend
08:25I'm Jessica
08:26Oh, we're Jessica
08:27I'm John Owen, this is my, uh, friend, friend Felix, my friend Felix guy
08:31What a breath of fresh air
08:33And look at this coat, I can tell you're gonna be an absolute ball
08:36Is it a coat or a dress?
08:37Um, it's a coat
08:38It's a coat
08:39Here I go
08:40Oh, normally we're stuck here with toffs talking about ski slopes, come on in, what a relief you are
08:45Oh, spoiler alert, it's a candle
08:47Oh
08:48Oh
08:49You probably have a million
08:50Oh
08:51You can put it in your candle closet
08:52I never have too many sniff sniffs, can you? Come on in
08:55Did she just say?
08:56Sniff sniffs, yeah
08:57Okay
08:58Not judging
08:59Not judging
09:00When I realized that fonts were my way in, travel suddenly looked not only like personal enlightenment but also
09:06Fascinating, yeah, yeah, I'm hanging on every word of this story, but I have to pause and ask
09:11Have you been to Lamu Island?
09:13Mmm
09:14Kenya
09:15Yeah, yeah, archipelago
09:16No
09:17You know, like everything in this room that you see is like worth, like hundreds of thousands of pounds
09:23There you are
09:24Aww
09:25Oh, we don't drink actually
09:26Oh, more for me, I'll take it
09:28Okay, gorgeous, thank you, glug, glug, glug, more for me
09:30Yeah
09:31He doesn't eat anything, he doesn't even like water, so he's good, he's on mercy
09:34All right, all right
09:35Oh, you must meet my cousin up from the country, Imogen Tinsley Derbyshire, and her wife Brian over there, they were
09:43Bon appetit to edible condoms
09:45Yeah, I don't know if it was like I kept getting different UTIs, like I don't know if I'm getting like 50 UTIs a year or it's like one long UTI
09:55You know, it's like, some days, I'll wake up, I'm on top of the world, other days, I'm waking up, and my piss hole's like burning fire
10:04I see, I see, have you tried D-Manos? It's a monosaccharide
10:09How do you feel about buttock implants?
10:14I'm serious
10:15I haven't thought much about them
10:16I don't know if I should be having this conversation with my boss
10:19Why?
10:20So he literally calls me on Sunday night, he's like, I'm at Bergheim, I've been here for 48 hours, you should come
10:25It's like, what is going on?
10:26The Kardashians have them, and Madonna's followed suit, I mean
10:32Is there butter?
10:33Is that a pill that you're talking about though?
10:35I have glottal tears, so I really don't want to swallow things that I'm not supposed to swallow
10:39You just...
10:40I know the feeling, Jono
10:44I'll suck the guy up, I'm not, I'm not swallin' it
10:47I'll spit it out
10:48Oh God
10:50Excuse me
10:52I'm sweating like a sow
10:54Menopause really should come with clearer warnings
10:57I love how you guys say like, the menopause
10:59Like it's like a celebrity, you know
11:01Like, is that the menopause?
11:03It is, come get a picture with me
11:06What do you say in America?
11:09Um, it's menopause
11:12Hello
11:14I'm not quite there yet, but I do have PCOS
11:18And that gives you like cysts and like fuzzy sideburns
11:20I have to shave off with a literal man's razor
11:23Look, if you need anything while you're here in London, health-wise
11:26I'm just a phone call away, alright?
11:29It's so nice of you to say I love you
11:32Wow
11:33Piss and cum galore, I've heard
11:36I've heard, I can't wait to go, can't wait to go
11:38I've been wanting to go for such a long time
11:39Yeah, you'll never forget it
11:40Anyway, he's like, come, you should come
11:42And it's like, relax, babe, right?
11:44Like, I like him, but not like, take a flight to Germany
11:47To fish him out of a sex dungeon
11:49Levels of like him
11:50Like, some things are just deal-breakers
11:52Yeah
11:53I don't have a lot of resources or friends here, you know?
11:55Well, at least you have your lovely partner
11:59How long have you two been together?
12:01Um, you know my instinct is to lie to you
12:03But I want to be honest, ten days
12:05I've been with my partner for ten days
12:07Well, no wonder you've got those issues down there
12:09You're basically hanging from the rafters still
12:12Yeah, he's fucking me raw
12:15No condom
12:16I've always found, like, engaging with people's inner lives
12:20Is kind of a waste of energy, you know?
12:23I can go deeper by staying on the surface
12:26Literally, cheers to that
12:27Oh, I don't cheers, but that's lovely
12:29And you're amazing
12:30Thank you
12:31Is that why you don't make eye contact with me?
12:33Like, to stay on the surface or whatever?
12:35Because you haven't looked at me, like, a single time
12:37For the whole, like, evening
12:39I just find, like, if I'm so honest
12:41And this is, like, really brutal
12:43Like, I only make contact with people that I know
12:46That I'm not gonna fuck
12:47Because otherwise it's, like, too much
12:48Right
12:49Dinner, especially, it's, like
12:50So you know you're not gonna fuck him
12:52Because you've looked at him quite a few times
12:54But you're worried about, like, that we might fuck
12:57That, to put it
12:58If you're gonna be, like, really specific about
13:00Like, in terms of who I would and wouldn't fuck at the table
13:02Like, that is, yeah, that is absolutely what I'm saying
13:04Okay
13:05For sure, which is no reflection
13:07Like, you're, you are great
13:09But that is more of a
13:10You can feel that there's a vibe
13:11Yeah
13:12There's a vibe, but then you're going
13:13Yeah
13:14You're with my colleague
13:15You're with my colleague, you know
13:16Like, what do we do?
13:17Like, Romeo and Juliet over here
13:19I don't know, like, I'm so scared of her dying
13:21You know, I'm so scared of the tumor coming back
13:23I mean, it's gone, but they come back
13:25You know, and I just lay in bed at night
13:27Thinking about Astra dying
13:29And I'm writing her obituary in my mind
13:31She'd be publishing, like, The Times or, like, People Mag
13:34I don't know what I would do without that little lady
13:36I mean, she has better thoughts than all of us
13:38No, you wouldn't
13:39She's better than all of us
13:40Oh, you, my darling
13:41You are just crying my heart open
13:43With that big, brave ability to just love
13:48Oh, you are so beautiful
13:50Look at you
13:53Why don't you come with me, just for a little minute
13:56I want to show you something special
13:58I will zip my lip and I'll throw away the key
14:00No one needs to know
14:01I know
14:20Does that feel better?
14:21Yeah, just what the doctor ordered
14:23This is a nice party
14:26Oh, God
14:27Feels good, huh?
14:28I needed a mood lifter, too
14:30I was wondering when we'd do that
14:33Do you know, I had the most incredible dog
14:37Lettuce was her name
14:38Lettuce the Lurcher
14:39She had the most profound sick sense of knowing exactly when I was in pain
14:47Emotionally
14:49Physically
14:51Oh, may I?
14:52Oh, sure
14:53Yeah
14:54It's the same colour, isn't that amazing?
14:55Yeah
14:56You've got such gorgeous lips
14:58Look at you
15:00It was, it was like she would stay so closely at my heel
15:04Obsessively, almost to the point where it was irritating
15:08Like an ex-lover you can't get rid of
15:12And it just, it came to be that she
15:15She just knew when I was hurting even before I did
15:18When I had to have back surgery, she was there
15:22And when my mother passed away, she was there
15:25And that was hours before I even got the news
15:28And when Jono had his emotional affair with Kylie Minogue, she was there
15:33Oh, my God
15:35What happened?
15:37She became like a sister
15:39No, I mean like your dog
15:40Oh God, lettuce, yes
15:43Well, yes, it was just heartbreaking
15:48Gardner left the gate open one night, she got curious
15:51And met a potato truck going down a dark country lane
15:54It was devastating
15:56But here's the thing I've come to realise
15:58Animals are the most incredible thing
16:01Precisely because of how briefly they're here
16:04Yeah, thank you, that is so
16:06Just
16:08You were too sweet
16:10You're my Oprah
16:12Can I be?
16:13I love you
16:14Sorry
16:15No, that's okay
16:16I love, love, love you
16:18You have empathy like I've never known it
16:21It's unbelievable
16:22I see it in your face
16:24Right back at you, sister
16:26I see it in yours
16:32What the fuck?
16:38I don't know, I just, um, with Astrid, I just, I trust her so much
16:42Astrid
16:43The dog, she's never done anything wrong
16:46You know, she's a perfect angel and it's so easy to trust her
16:49So hard to trust people
16:51You know, like Felix, I mean, he means well and he's been so incredible to me
16:55But I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop
16:57I'm just waiting to hear that he has a wife and triplets and Aberdeen or something
17:01You know, or what if he watches porn too much?
17:03Yes, I know
17:05I mean, I'm not completely convinced that Jono's not an axe murderer
17:08He's pretty opaque as I'm sure you've noticed
17:10You could definitely see him hurting someone
17:13Well, you know, he's not violent, he's just moody
17:16But isn't this the best time?
17:20This time you're in when it's all so new and delicious and tender and terrifying
17:25Enjoy it
17:27Because pretty soon you'll feel safe and sure and you'll have four children
17:32And then you'll be wishing he'd go to sleep in the garden shed
17:35And you'll miss those days when you didn't know everything
17:41Just enough to take it off
17:44Ew
17:47You alright?
17:48Hey, what the hell's up, brother?
17:51How's the bathroom?
17:53Oh my god, it is so gorgeous in that bathroom, she has a beautiful soap dish
17:57I mean, I didn't even know that you needed a dish for soap
18:00Gorgeous, elegant, bold, just like Julianne Moore
18:03The Julianne Moore of soap dishes
18:04Are you having fun with Boss? He's so as pink air
18:08Yeah, I know, he's funny
18:09He has like quite confusing values
18:11Like all these people
18:13That guy, that banker guy was like telling me to invest in oil
18:15Because like war is going to drive the stocks up or some shit
18:18Nice tip!
18:20Yeah?
18:21Big money bags
18:23You okay? You've been like doing them
18:26No, oh my god
18:28You were being so weird about the fact that I'm drinking
18:30And you're being weird about it
18:32And I told you, I know that, I told you that I couldn't drink
18:36Because some stuff went down in New York
18:38Where some stuff where, okay, I shouldn't be drinking
18:40But guess what? I think it's the kind of stuff where I can have a drink once in a while
18:44You know, I can't drink all the time, of course not
18:47But you know, I'm not someone that can't pick up a glass or two on a holiday or a party
18:52I trust you
18:53What? Now you're being weird about not being weird
18:55No, I mean, like I trust you
18:57Like you were growing up, you know what you're doing
18:58You are as nasty to me
19:01What's nasty about luck?
19:03Don't start a fight right now
19:07My wife trusts me
19:09Big mistake
19:11That's terrifying to say
19:13It's awful, Peter, I'm so sorry
19:14Yeah, it's been tough
19:15But you know, I finally stopped crying myself to sleep at night
19:18Oh, I'm sorry about that
19:20You're a good instructor
19:21I know, it's such a cliche, isn't it?
19:22I should see it coming
19:23You need to find your intellectual match
19:25Peter's just got separated
19:26And he's taken up skiing
19:27Oh my god, you're a lilf
19:30A late in life skier
19:32Oh, that's funny
19:34Yes, I suppose I am
19:36Yeah, I'm a lilf
19:38Yeah, kind of like lilf but not
19:40That's so funny
19:41By the way, I love your soap dish
19:44Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
19:45I got it in the souk in Marrakesh
19:48Moroccan market
19:50Right?
19:51This ancient woman
19:53She had a face
19:55Just pain all over it
19:57And I was passing by
19:58Saw her stall
19:59It's the only thing she had
20:00And she just grabbed my hand
20:02And thrusted into it
20:04And said, I've been waiting for you
20:06And then she died
20:08Anyway, it's a beautiful dish
20:10And I'm glad you noticed it
20:15Hmm
20:19You look quite familiar
20:21Where would I know you from?
20:23Hmm?
20:25Uh...
20:26I don't know, I don't think you know me
20:28Oh, I really think I do
20:30Don't think so
20:32Not unless I sold you laughing gasp
20:34In like 2013 outside Marble Arch
20:37Oh, only that
20:38I know you from somewhere
20:41Don't think it's me that you're thinking of
20:44You sure?
20:46Hmm, I mean you can never be too sure
20:49Eeny meeny miny mo
20:51Catch a liar by his big toe
20:58Is this an Anne Frank joke?
21:01What?
21:02Is that even a type of joke?
21:04I mean, people always tear down a woman
21:05That achieves success on her own terms
21:07I think she's just called Anne
21:08And we're in her attic
21:10I think you remember thinking it
21:12Okay, I'm freaking out
21:13And I need to be told to breathe
21:15Okay, breathe, breathe
21:16Miss, you are not my keeper
21:18She's gagged, she's gagged
21:19She's absolutely gagged
21:20Not in the fun way
21:21At dinner, Jono made this incredibly weird comment
21:23About my dynamic with Josie
21:25In front of Josie
21:26Josie who doesn't even know
21:27That I want to be a lesbian with her
21:28I mean, what if she's straight?
21:29Okay, well she's wearing two t-shirts
21:31So I think she's a lesbo, guys
21:33I mean, do you like her?
21:36Like, like, like, like, like
21:38Like it's such a juvenile word
21:41I don't like her
21:42I feel deeply drawn to who she is
21:45Who she could become
21:46She's my destiny
21:47Oh my god
21:48Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys
21:50Have you seen?
21:51Wow, Jono and his downtime
21:52Looking like the most well-preserved member
21:54Of a heritage stadium block act
21:55I die
21:57Like, yeah, sing me like a soft rock song
22:00About like, how you're a man
22:01But you also kind of have mental health issues
22:03But you don't really
22:04But also what he did to Kim
22:06Was really, really rough
22:08And not appropriate at all
22:10I just think
22:11Honestly, he feels close to you
22:13That's what it is
22:14He feels emotionally close to you
22:15Like, obviously with me it's more sexual
22:17It's more like
22:18There's a hole
22:19Let me at it
22:20But, um
22:21But with you he's more like a dad, I think
22:22Ooh
22:23Oh
22:24Come, come
22:25God
22:26Yummy, yummy
22:27Yeah?
22:28Yes, this makes me so happy
22:29Look at you
22:30Enjoying my little contribution to potluck
22:32Think about cocaine is in moderation
22:34It keeps you young
22:35You know, I really wouldn't
22:36But if Kim's doing it
22:37I probably should
22:38Because otherwise she'll do
22:39She'll go crazy
22:40Blah, blah, blah, blah
22:41And then she'll feel very alone
22:42Very low later
22:43And also I love cocaine
22:44I mean
22:46I feel like I can't say no to my boss
22:49I don't want to do it
22:50I just feel like I can't say no to the hospitality
22:53Oh my god, yeah, no
22:55Go for it
22:56You know what's about to happen though, aren't I?
22:58Like, you know where this is headed
23:00What, you think everyone's gonna just start fucking?
23:03Tap, tap, tap, tap
23:04Wrists on glitter
23:05Waste on thinner
23:06Waste on thinner
23:07I'ma show you how to bag a eight-figure
23:09Face on zaddy
23:10Pockets on trigger
23:11You better get the card and make it swipe like Tinder
23:14Private villa and the fire chit chiller
23:16Money post me, all the h*** get sicker
23:19Thought killer
23:20I don't need fillers
23:21Never been a lame, so the real chicks feel it
23:23Zaddy on the FaceTime
23:24You can never take mine
23:25End up on a date line
23:27Uh, uh, uh, mwah
23:28Rich with no day job
23:29Hit your wap-wap
23:30Always on the court side
23:31Uh, uh, uh
23:33B-B-B in there, boys wanna eat me out
23:35Bitch, I'm from the west
23:36Come fake, wanna go down south
23:37All these lame lil' rappers tryna, uh, fuck clout
23:40I won't let him hit, but he can put it in his mouth
23:43Lil' waist fat fat, baby, tap in
23:45Tap, tap, tap in
23:47Haters can't relate
23:48Y'all never been fake
23:49I got a big bottle puttin' ice in on my crack
23:52Icy from my lips to my fingers to my toenails
23:54Drippin' in Shanae 9, this ain't goin' on south
23:57All these birds busy, baby
23:58I do not do friends well
23:59Lotta haters
24:00But I promise that I won't tell
24:02Shhh
24:03Now what's my favorite word?
24:04Icy
24:05I can see the smile, but I know she don't like me
24:07Two hundred for a verse, yeah, I'm way too pricey
24:10Uh, hello
24:12May I?
24:13Yes
24:14Okay
24:15A question
24:16As a seasoned lesbian, uh, might you counsel me on what to expect if I were to pursue this path?
24:26It would be my absolute honor, okay? Go
24:30Did you always know you were queer?
24:32Oh no, no
24:33I've always been intensely lustful
24:36But the objects of my obsession were varied
24:40And my very first relationship was with my boss at toddler magazine and his wife
24:47Damn!
24:48Oh my god, I had one divorce and I thought I was hot shit, but you're on fire
24:57I know I'm a grandmother of two
24:59And my partner had a whole other life as a housewife before I ruined her
25:04And at weekends I kind of do my own thing, live my own life, you know?
25:08Speaking of which
25:09Yes?
25:10I have a room at the Ham Yard Hotel
25:13Oh
25:14Oh
25:15Oh
25:17Uh, honestly, I am very flattered
25:22Good
25:23But I'm new to this
25:24Yeah, I know
25:25And, and I think what you need is a like, eat it up, no crumbs kind of experience
25:32And, I would leave all the crumbs
25:36There'd be so many crumbs
25:37I could be a hoover
25:41I have a visual
25:42Yeah, okay
25:43Okay, look at me, you ready?
25:44Okay, I'm lucky, I'm lucky
25:45You ready?
25:46Three, two, one, go
25:47Okay
25:49Oh my god, your stuff's way better than my stuff
25:52Cleaning your bag is like getting alcohol in it, okay?
25:54It's like, that fucking came out of me
25:55You should take this
25:56I don't know how much money's on it, but hell, go crazy, buy a bagel and a coffee
26:00A dollar
26:01I've seen these on TV
26:02Do you actually use this?
26:03Sister doll, you never know when you might need it
26:05I feel like you guys don't have any central air or heat or anything
26:07How do you cool down?
26:08Eh eh eh eh eh
26:09Gauche alarm, cause you're being gauche
26:10And you see?
26:11In a Georgian listed building
26:12We have a heritage here
26:13We have a-
26:14Oh really? What's your tradition?
26:15Eating beans all day?
26:16You wanna get Camilla Parker Bowles?
26:17You wanna, you wanna give her a lower back tattoo?
26:19You wanna say no loads refused?
26:21That's crazy
26:22How do you have so many condoms?
26:23Are we trying to hook up tonight?
26:24Is it legal to fuck now?
26:26It's illegal to lock me in prison cause I fuck
26:27Sorry, I can't see you
26:28laughter
26:33You finished all the shampers
26:35Was there still some lying around?
26:37No I did not
26:38I actually think the culprit is your wife
26:40Who was sort of pouring it down her blouse
26:43I realise where I know you from.
26:48You went to the same boarding school as our daughter Viola.
26:52Ding, ding. Jig is up. Uh-oh.
26:54You two were a bit of an item back then.
26:56In fact, I may be within my fatherly rights to smack you around a bit.
27:01You do have a very fatherly vibe right now, I've got to say.
27:04Yeah.
27:04Yeah.
27:05Dropped out, didn't you?
27:07Six months before your A-levels.
27:10I didn't finish school, no.
27:12Yeah.
27:13Broke my daughter's heart and left just before A-levels.
27:18Classic behaviour, yeah.
27:19Classic.
27:19You don't know anything about me, so...
27:22Didn't you take Francesca to, um...
27:25Talking about Viola.
27:26Oh, Viola, Viola, Viola, Viola.
27:28Didn't you take Viola to Manchester for a show
27:31and then leave her at a fucking travel lodge?
27:33It was Liverpool and there's more to it than that, but yeah, that's me.
27:36Well, I don't love your turn.
27:39No, I think you need to back up a little bit because it's getting a bit weird now.
27:42Oh, not one bit.
27:45You drop out, you can.
27:47Stop touching me.
27:48And you don't...
27:49The fucking mouth is all the fuck on me.
27:50Are you trying to fucking...
27:51You're trying to fucking...
27:52Are you trying to fucking fight me?
27:53I don't know.
27:54I've got it down.
27:56Down to a teammate.
27:56Yeah.
27:57Yeah, I cheated on your daughter, then started trying to stick my 16-year-old pecker into anything
28:02that moved...
28:02I don't like your attitude.
28:04Dude, what the fuck is going on with your grip?
28:06It's insane.
28:07I'll tell you what really happened.
28:08My dad ran out of fucking money.
28:09That's why I left that.
28:10Boo-hoo.
28:11They put all my shit in cardboard boxes and told me to...
28:13You've got my own fucking cash!
28:15Your daughter said she'd wait for me like I was some soldier going to war and then within
28:18a week she was dating Hugo fucking Wetherspoon and wouldn't even answer my fucking calls.
28:22Very fucking good manners.
28:23Are you trying to fuck me now or what?
28:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:27Maybe that's why she left you because you've got bad manners.
28:29Your daughter was a fucking brat, by the way.
28:31I should have just stuck with Lisa Larchmont.
28:32She was actually a nice person.
28:34I went down on her in Julia Jessen's garden and she fucking cared about me,
28:37you gagged up tossing gap.
28:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:39Oh, sorry.
28:40Hi.
28:41Felix!
28:41You okay?
28:42Oh, hi, Anne.
28:43Oh, darling, have you seen that cruelling sex gel?
28:47I want to give it to Jessica.
28:48Did you leave it in the garden last time?
28:50Uh, bottom right drawer.
28:52Well, I, what?
28:53I can't see it.
28:54Anne, thank you so much.
28:55This meant so much to me.
28:57I'm so sorry about everything.
28:58Oh, it was lovely, darling.
29:00It was lovely.
29:01Don't worry about Jono, he's always in the prone position at the end of a party.
29:06Jono, thank you for the hospitality.
29:09Anne, again, one minute with you is a million in heaven.
29:12And one minute away from you is hell for eternity.
29:16Hope I get to see you soon and feel safe with you.
29:19Yes, we must, we must.
29:20I'm sure you can find it at Boots, by the way.
29:22But will you see yourselves out?
29:24Thanks.
29:25All right?
29:26Say hi to Viola.
29:27That was a lovely night, wasn't it?
29:31Did you have fun, darling?
29:32Mm.
29:33Did it get a little crazy?
29:34Mm.
29:35Mm.
29:36Mm.
29:36Mm.
29:37Mm.
29:37Mm.
29:39Mm.
29:41All right, are you going to clean up?
29:43No, no, no.
29:43I can't do it.
29:44No, she got in the bath.
29:46Isn't she?
29:47It's weird.
29:48I can't do it.
29:51Got your coat and your bag, first thing.
29:56Also, you know that soap dish you like?
29:59Got you that as well.
30:02Oh my god, Felix.
30:04You're kidding.
30:05That is my boss.
30:06Yeah, man.
30:07That's my boss.
30:08You said you liked it.
30:08You can't just steal things from my boss.
30:10I can't smuggle around stolen goods.
30:12Also, what did you say in there?
30:13Gay ass tortus?
30:15Do you mean gacked up tosser?
30:17Is that what you said?
30:18Yeah, gack is like cocaine.
30:20Tosser's just like you're a dickhead.
30:21All I wanted to say is for you to be chill.
30:23For us to be too chill, guys.
30:25This is worse than if we would have both walked in with hats.
30:27I mean, all I wanted was us to be civilized people
30:30who had, like, positive attitudes.
30:32I just wanted us to look like we have positive attitudes.
30:32Why? They don't have positive attitudes.
30:34They have fucking hideous attitudes.
30:36Like, almost as hideous as their fucking faux liberal politics
30:39when all they care about is money and how they judge everyone
30:42who doesn't live exactly the same way that they do.
30:44And they're sad fucking children who've been hugged, like,
30:46precisely two times in their entire lives.
30:48Yeah, I called your boss a tosser.
30:50Sorry.
30:50They were kind of fucked, yeah.
30:52Also, by the way, you were hitting on Imogen.
30:54Don't think I didn't see that.
30:55Fuck, no, it wasn't.
30:56She's like some lesbian grandma who raises ducks.
30:59Okay, well, guess what?
31:00She touched Kim's almost vagina, so she's not that innocent.
31:03You know, also, she's a pretty young grandma.
31:05We must agree.
31:06We must agree.
31:07Sure.
31:08This has all just been a series of red flags.
31:11I mean, when I came to find my English dream,
31:13I wanted to be in bed with, like, Mr. Darcy or Hugh Grant
31:16from the British Jones Diaries.
31:19Okay, did you just say British...
31:21Did you say British Jones Diaries?
31:23Yeah, there's four of them.
31:24Yeah, it's not called British Jones.
31:25She's British.
31:27She has a diary.
31:28What are you talking about?
31:29You're just some guy with a random girl's name tattooed to your ass.
31:33And you're just, you don't even have an electric bill.
31:35You don't even know the difference between polyamory and monogamy.
31:38What is the difference?
31:39They sound exactly the fucking same.
31:42It's really different.
31:43It's really different.
31:44Okay.
31:44Also, I'm sorry, Lissa Larchman and Julia Jessup's garden?
31:48What the fuck?
31:49Is this a game of Clue?
31:51Cluedo?
31:52No.
31:52Do you mean Cluedo?
31:53I mean Cluedo.
31:53Is it the board game?
31:54No.
31:54It's like the library and the pipe and the Colonel Mustard or whatever?
31:57We call that Cluedo.
31:58Well, that doesn't make sense!
32:00Because it's a game of clues!
32:02I don't know why you're...
32:03You have to add your little, you know, teacup of charm into it.
32:07I'm just telling you, it's what it's called.
32:10I feel like the problem is that you're like obsessively like scanning me for red flags.
32:14But I mean, I don't like...
32:18I'm not sitting there assessing you for red flags because that's not how my brain works.
32:21But if I did do that, it's not like you don't have it.
32:23No, I don't have any.
32:24Name one.
32:25I'm so fun.
32:26Okay.
32:26You end every sentence with a question mark.
32:28I do not.
32:29Yeah.
32:30Two red flags?
32:31Like you send crazy long texts one after the other, like multiple paragraphs before I've even
32:35checked my phone.
32:35You've basically sent me like an essay.
32:38You talk about your ex the whole fucking time, but you've never told me what he actually did.
32:41So I don't know if he's a horrible monster or if you're actually just really overly sensitive.
32:45Also, by the way, sometimes when you come, you look dead.
32:48That's hot.
32:49Okay, fair enough.
32:50And like your dog smells really weird.
32:52Your dog smells of vinegar.
32:53Why does she smell of vinegar?
32:54You've never had like a good explanation for that.
32:57Wow.
32:57So why do you keep telling me that you're sober?
32:59You just had three signature cocktails and took some coke for what?
33:02To be polite?
33:03Who cares?
33:04And you set yourself on fire the first time I met you.
33:07Ah!
33:08Literally the first time I met you, you're on fire.
33:10You're a ridiculous guy.
33:11Like within five minutes.
33:12You literally set yourself on fire.
33:15Oh my God.
33:17Too much, man.
33:19Too much.
33:19Maybe I'm not too much.
33:21Maybe you're just not enough.
33:22No, I don't mean like, it's not an insult.
33:24I mean like, you know, you're too much.
33:27Like it's a good thing.
33:29Like just the right amount and then like a little bit more.
33:32Oh.
33:34Oh.
33:52I was just coasting, never really going anywhere.
33:59Caught up in a web.
34:00I was getting kind of used to staying there.
34:06And out of the blue.
34:13I'll throw for you.
34:18Now you're lifting me up, instead of holding me down.
34:22Stealing my heart, instead of stealing my crown.
34:25Untangled all the strings around my wings, they were tied.
34:30I didn't know him, and I didn't know me.
34:34Cloud night was always out of reach.
34:37Now I remember what it feels like to fly.
34:42I'll give.
34:43To fly.
34:44Give me your heart —
34:46Wait, I'll take you then.
34:47I don't see your eyes first.
34:48I know you fell.
34:48I know you, that laugh.
34:49I know you, that laugh, not you.
34:50I know you fell.
34:51Yeah, so you're touched me down.
34:51You're upset.
34:52I know you, but you forgot you Solo, you know.
34:53That laugh.
34:53You kind of-
34:54You're a happiness.
34:54Got me.
34:55I appreciate you taking enough time to get started.
34:55Get on allocated.
34:56I need to move on.
34:57More thanissement.
34:57I need to go.
34:57Andange I know you.
34:59Yeah.
34:59Yeah.
35:00We're gonna get into sight.
35:01Want me?
35:01Bye.
35:02Maybe.
35:03Crush.
35:04I know you're upset.