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00:00It is possible that you are wondering what I am doing lurking in my own henhouse.
00:10The reason is improbable, but simple.
00:14I am hiding from Monsieur Alphonse, an aging undertaker who has challenged me to a duel.
00:21Shut up!
00:23Your vix clothes!
00:25He is unhappy because Edith wants to marry me instead of him.
00:30I am unhappy because I have already been married to Edith.
00:34I have been shot by the Germans, I have been buried, and I have come back as my own twin brother.
00:41And now I am forced to hide in the henhouse.
00:46His seconds are looking for me to make arrangements for the duel, you see.
00:51Well, so far so good.
00:53René!
00:54Oh my God!
00:57René!
00:58René, it is I, Yvette!
01:08You may reveal yourself!
01:13What is happening?
01:14The seconds of Monsieur Alphonse have been to the cafe and departed.
01:19Oh, thank heavens.
01:22I hope that is the last we see of them.
01:24How did you get rid of them?
01:26I did not.
01:27It was Lieutenant Gruber.
01:29He received them on your behalf.
01:30Why do people always have to stick their noses into my business?
01:35René, it defended your reputation.
01:39They were saying that perhaps you had a yellow streak.
01:42It is highly likely.
01:43For one thing, I have been sitting all night on half a dozen eggs.
01:46Dear gentlemen, a drink on the house.
01:59I am most grateful to you for upholding the honor of my future husband,
02:04who scarpered out of the scullery window because he has the courage of a hamster.
02:09I am sure René would not run away like a coward.
02:13There will be an explanation.
02:15Of course there will.
02:17Oh, there is an explanation, Colonel.
02:19Yes, I was shelling peas in the kitchen.
02:23I saw a rabbit out of the window.
02:25I picked up the broom handle and tried to catch it for your dinner.
02:28Have I missed something?
02:30You have missed the seconds who were curling on you to fight for my honor.
02:34Oh, what a pity.
02:37And such a worthy cause.
02:39I would not have missed that for anything.
02:43All is not lost, René.
02:44Lieutenant Gruber has accepted the challenge on your behalf.
02:48Lieutenant Gruber is going to fight the undertaker?
02:51No!
02:51Uh, no.
02:54But as one of your closest friends, I have agreed to be second.
02:58Lieutenant Gruber knows all about this kind of thing.
03:01He was at Heidelberg.
03:02At Heidelberg, they fight for their honor all the time.
03:07Actually, in spite of the popular rumors about Heidelberg,
03:10fighting for one's honor is not compulsory.
03:13You can give in.
03:16But I know enough about the rules not to let you down.
03:20Yes, well, it is very kind of you, Lieutenant,
03:22but I have no intention of doing an Errol Flynn with an old undertaker.
03:26You are going to humiliate me in front of my friends.
03:29How will they find out?
03:31I have been on the phone all morning.
03:34The old village is going to turn out.
03:37If I could persuade Monsieur Alphonse to change it from dawn until midday,
03:41I could do the catering and make a lot of money.
03:44Dave, my life is at stake and you are talking about catering.
03:48I have, on your behalf, refused swords and have provisionally chosen pistols.
03:57He would prefer a knitting competition.
03:59I will present your compliments and agree with him the time and the place.
04:06How about South America the Christmas after next?
04:10No, no, darn tomorrow.
04:13The woods will be misty and romantic.
04:15I shall dress dramatically in black.
04:19A black coat, a black dress, a black chiffon scarf, black gloves and a black hat.
04:25You do not give much for my chances, do you?
04:29Very, very, so be it.
04:31Heil Hitler.
04:31And do not worry, René.
04:34I shall be close by your side.
04:38I must down here and get my new black hat and black veil.
04:43René, don't go away.
04:45We have much to discuss.
04:47But so little time.
04:49Hans, René is far too valuable to us to lose in a silly duel.
04:55He has our painting and a sausage in his cellar.
04:57And he supplies us with girls.
04:59Precisely.
05:00So I have a plan.
05:03René, we will hold battle manoeuvres tomorrow morning.
05:06By chance, in the area of the duel,
05:09we will have some machine guns, armoured cars and troops.
05:13Just before the duel starts, we will open up with everything.
05:18And the undertaker will unfortunately get in the way.
05:21We will apologise.
05:25And there will be no repercussions because he's only a Frenchman.
05:28Could you not just wound him a little bit?
05:31Oh, yeah.
05:31With a 25-pound shell, that is not easy.
05:37Send it to me at once.
05:40Anything serious, hair flick?
05:42There is for me a telegram.
05:43It is being brought to me by hand.
05:46We will continue our game of Monopoly.
05:49Broad round with the dice.
05:51Be careful not to throw a five,
05:55or you will land on my hotel in the Wilhelmstrasse.
06:00Ah, a seven.
06:03Stop!
06:04That is not your token.
06:05That is my staff car.
06:07You are the high-heeled jackboot.
06:11One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
06:14Ah, you take a card.
06:15What does it say?
06:18I have been hit with a rubber truncheon and missed three moves.
06:24Ah, jeez.
06:31Six.
06:32Go directly to Hitler's bunker.
06:40Do not pass go.
06:42Do not collect 200 marks.
06:45It up.
06:50What do you want, von Smallhausen?
06:54Telegram, hair flick.
06:55Go away.
07:05Bad news, Heflick?
07:06It is from my godfather.
07:09Himmler?
07:10Experts have reassembled bombed sausage.
07:13No trace of painting.
07:15Adolf, very offhand at dinner last night,
07:18did not laugh at my jokes.
07:21Rest, colonel, who sent telegram.
07:23Love, Uncle Heinrich.
07:25Rest, the colonel?
07:27This is terrible.
07:29Helga, what do you know of this?
07:32Nothing, hair flick.
07:33You are lying.
07:33You will answer my questions.
07:35Sit down.
07:36Yes.
07:37Who put the sausage on the train?
07:39I did, hair flick.
07:40Who gave you the sausage?
07:41The colonel.
07:42What's the painting inside the sausage?
07:44I could not tell, hair flick,
07:45without biting a bit off the end.
07:48Why did you not do this?
07:50I could not send to Hitler a bitten sausage.
07:53True, that was good thinking.
07:56It is therefore clear
07:58that the sausage containing the painting
08:00that I gave to the colonel,
08:02which was a forgery,
08:03but which he thought was genuine,
08:05was not sent to Berlin,
08:06but was substituted by him
08:08for a normal knopfwurst.
08:10The sausage containing the painting
08:12has been kept by him to sell after the war,
08:15which will not be possible
08:16because it is a forgery,
08:17and the real painting
08:19is hidden in the Gestapo sausage
08:21that is hanging with similar sausages
08:23in René's kitchen.
08:25Correct me if I am wrong.
08:27I wouldn't dream of it, hair flick.
08:29My course of action is clear.
08:32We will arrest the colonel
08:33and the captain at once.
08:35Shall I come with you?
08:36You may be tempted to warn them
08:38out of misplaced loyalty.
08:40You will stay here.
08:43What's this, hair flick?
08:45So you do not use the telephone.
08:49I will return by early evening.
08:52Would you care to stay for dinner?
08:54How could I refuse?
08:58It's a date.
09:03René.
09:06Oh, Maria.
09:08Why have you kept me waiting so long?
09:10I was telephoning the undertaker
09:12to see if we could come to some arrangement.
09:15What happened?
09:16He offered to bury me at trade prices.
09:19Oh, René.
09:22René.
09:22Crush my lips with your lips.
09:27Do all those things you do
09:28that drive me crazy with rage and desire?
09:31Maria, we are only in the broom cupboard.
09:34René.
09:36René.
09:38René.
09:40René.
09:41What are you doing
09:41in the broom cupboard with Maria?
09:44You stupid woman.
09:46It is quite obvious
09:46what I am doing
09:47in the broom cupboard with Maria.
09:49You know you do not like me
09:51telling off the staff
09:51in front of customers.
09:52I was just reprimanding her in here.
09:58So, the next time a customer calls,
10:00you come running, hmm?
10:01Yes, René.
10:02And that is the last time
10:03I shall tell you this.
10:04Very likely.
10:05What did you do in the war, Grandpa?
10:13I was sewing a lady's silk knickers
10:18to a torn balloon
10:19so that the British airmen
10:21could escape me.
10:23Oh, have you not finished
10:25that balloon yet?
10:27Soon the restaurant will be full
10:28and this place will be
10:29crawling with Germans.
10:30Don't move.
10:34Now listen very carefully.
10:36I shall say this only once.
10:39The basket has been woven
10:41by the weavers of Wimoro.
10:48Forgive me.
10:48I do not have my code book.
10:50What does that mean?
10:51Exactly what it says.
10:54The basket is ready
10:56to be attached to the balloon.
10:58Ah, good.
10:58René, customers.
11:00Oh, heck.
11:01Look, you must be out of here
11:03in ten minutes, hmm?
11:06Oh, Michel.
11:07We have not repaired
11:08all the oils in the silk balloon.
11:10We shall require
11:11one more pair
11:12of silk knickers.
11:13I will give my last pair
11:18for France.
11:21Remove them behind the curtain.
11:23There is a man present.
11:28Oh, no.
11:30Do not worry.
11:31I have seen it all before.
11:34What a very long time ago.
11:38No, just a moment ago
11:40when I dropped my needle.
11:43Well, we are hoping
11:46to start about seven,
11:48but it is best
11:49you get there early.
11:50We are expecting a crowd.
11:53And there will be
11:53coffee and sandwiches afterwards.
11:57Whatever happens.
12:00Tell them we are hoping
12:01for an home win.
12:03Yes.
12:04I'll see you then.
12:07Oh, so many friends.
12:13Oh, I admire you.
12:22You are like a rock.
12:23I know this to be a quality
12:25you appreciate in a man.
12:28Oh, but I'm so worried.
12:30Why?
12:31Well, I hear,
12:31Monsieur Alphonse,
12:32it's a crack shot.
12:34There was a competition.
12:35He put one of his balls
12:36through a playing card
12:37at 20 bases.
12:41Quite a feat.
12:43This is how he started
12:44in the undertaking business.
12:47Yvette,
12:48normally I would be worried
12:50by such news,
12:51but I have a secret arrangement
12:53with the colonel.
12:54At the time of the duel,
12:56he will be on exercises
12:57with tanks and troops
12:58and machine guns and things,
13:00and he has promised
13:01to take care of the undertaker.
13:02Oh, could he not take care
13:05of your wife
13:06at the same time?
13:08I could mention it,
13:10I suppose.
13:11I might be pushing my luck.
13:14I'm talking of pushing my luck.
13:16Oh, it's that English idiot
13:17who thinks he can speak
13:18our language.
13:20Good die to you.
13:23You see,
13:23he has heard about the duel.
13:26Are we alone?
13:28I wish to tick to you.
13:30Tick.
13:33He means talk.
13:35Ah.
13:36Yeah, we are a loon,
13:38so tick away.
13:42The English airmen
13:44are no linger in the car.
13:48Oh, good.
13:49Well, where are they, then?
13:51I will kill them.
13:55In here, chaps.
13:57You will never get away
14:00with that.
14:01You cannot pass
14:02those two idiots off
14:03as French policemen.
14:04I'll give them
14:05quick curse
14:06in the French long watch.
14:09It's nose
14:10to spike your tongue.
14:14Pleased
14:14to meet you, sir.
14:17Quick.
14:18Germans, quick.
14:19In the back room.
14:20Officer,
14:21if you wish
14:21to search my premises,
14:23I have nothing to hide.
14:24Start in the back room.
14:25Take care of the crowds.
14:27Oh, good.
14:29Good, I'll show you.
14:32Listen carefully.
14:34The balloon is ready.
14:36It will be taken
14:36and hidden
14:37in the old ruined barn
14:38five kilometres
14:39to the north of town.
14:41When the wind
14:42is favourable,
14:43a message will be sent.
14:44You, René,
14:45will guide the airmen
14:46to the barn
14:46where they will take off
14:48and head for home.
14:49Oh, I do not wish
14:50to be a wet blanket,
14:52but I do have a duel
14:53in the morning, you know.
14:54What if I am killed?
14:57Oh, then Monsieur Leclerc
14:58will guide them.
14:59I must go now
15:00to the ironmonger.
15:02He is preparing
15:03the bleu lamps
15:04which will provide
15:04the hot air
15:05for the balloon.
15:07René,
15:08a flick has been here.
15:09A flick of the Gestapo?
15:10Quick.
15:11We will have scooped
15:12through the window.
15:13No, we will be getting
15:14into his car.
15:15We will see you.
15:15What did he want?
15:17He had not seen
15:18these two disguised
15:18as policemen, had he?
15:19No, he was looking
15:20for the colonel.
15:21He has gone round
15:22to their headquarters.
15:22Did he want to check
15:24on his sausage?
15:25No.
15:26He cancelled his table
15:28and ordered two large portions
15:29of hot pot to take away.
15:31That means a nice,
15:32quiet dinner with Elgar
15:33in the dungeon
15:33this evening.
15:34I am sorry, Mama.
15:44But I was trying
15:45on my new black hat
15:46for the duel.
15:46Ah, this is a duel.
15:48Now, Edith,
15:49I have been thinking
15:50I wish to be there early.
15:54I want to be in the front row.
15:59It is history repeating itself.
16:03Men have fought over me,
16:05you know, when I was young.
16:07I was loved by two tram drivers
16:11at the same time.
16:14Did they fight with pistons
16:16or with swords?
16:17Oh, trams.
16:19Oh, I shall never forget it.
16:24They, they drove furiously
16:28towards one another,
16:30each from its own depot,
16:33ringing the bells
16:34and shouting,
16:36no room on top.
16:38Oh, what happened?
16:40Oh, well, there was
16:43a power cut.
16:46So, uh,
16:47I ran away
16:49with the inspector.
16:57Herrick,
16:58could you not
16:59free my other hand?
17:00It is very difficult
17:01to chase peas
17:02using only a fork.
17:05I'm sorry, Elgar.
17:06I cannot risk you
17:07evading me
17:08and in your
17:09misplaced loyalty
17:10informing the colonel.
17:12I keep telling you,
17:13I do not know
17:14where the colonel is.
17:16I do not believe you,
17:17Helga.
17:18And if you do not talk,
17:20you will get no pudding.
17:22It is jam roly-poly.
17:27You are a ruthless man,
17:29Herrick.
17:31Enter.
17:31Enter.
17:31We have traced
17:40the colonel
17:40and the capitan
17:41here, Flick.
17:43They are out
17:44on maneuvers.
17:46Good.
17:47Go away.
17:48As soon as it is daylight,
17:56we will arrest them.
17:58In the meantime,
17:59we will remain here.
18:01If you do not trust me,
18:03Herrick,
18:03what sort of life
18:05will we have together
18:06after the war?
18:07I will take you
18:08for beautiful walks
18:10on a short lead.
18:11to make me feel
18:14like a
18:14wild animal.
18:17It's neutral.
18:18It is five o'clock.
18:48You must not be late
18:52for the duo.
18:54But, Edie,
18:55that is not until seven.
18:57Oh.
18:59I know,
19:00but I have to dress
19:01and make up
19:02and iron your shirt.
19:05You are not going
19:05to the woods
19:06looking a mess.
19:09She thinks that men
19:10are prepared
19:11to die for me.
19:13It is unbelievable,
19:15is it?
19:18Vinnie,
19:20go down
19:21and see who's
19:21at the door.
19:22Oh,
19:23who can that be
19:24at this hour?
19:26It may be
19:26somebody wanted
19:27to buy tickets.
19:29You have been
19:30selling tickets.
19:31It's only
19:32for the French Roe.
19:33Vinnie,
19:43it's Lieutenant
19:44Gruber.
19:46Good morning,
19:47Vinnie.
19:48I have your trousers
19:49here.
19:50My bedman pressed
19:51them for me.
19:52Oh.
19:52How kind,
19:53Lieutenant,
19:53you think of
19:54everything.
19:55I, uh,
19:56I also had
19:57them widened a little.
19:58They're more fashionable.
19:59Would you like
20:00to try them all now?
20:02Uh, not in front
20:03of the girls,
20:04no.
20:04The girls will
20:05go away.
20:06Back to bed,
20:07ladies.
20:07Shoo, shoo.
20:08This is an affair
20:09between men.
20:13Do not hesitate
20:14to pop down
20:15if you want
20:16a glass of water
20:17or some cigarettes
20:18or if I ring
20:19the bell
20:20or anything.
20:23Vinnie,
20:24I,
20:24I hope
20:25this affair
20:26turns out
20:27satisfactorily.
20:28So do I.
20:31I, uh,
20:32I do not
20:33know how to say
20:34this, René.
20:36I have always
20:37admired you,
20:38but just at this
20:39moment I find
20:40it hard to express
20:42in words
20:42all my feelings.
20:45Well, keep
20:46trying with the
20:47words.
20:48I'm sure they
20:49will come to you
20:49in the end.
20:51I would like you
20:51to wear this
20:52locket of mine
20:53for good luck.
20:54Oh, uh,
20:55I was thinking
20:56more along
20:57these lines.
21:01René,
21:02take my advice.
21:03Do not
21:03wear that.
21:05It will only
21:06flatten the ball
21:07on its way
21:07through and
21:08make an even
21:09bigger hole.
21:11Oh, what are you
21:12doing all dressed
21:13up like a mad
21:14atter?
21:16It is I,
21:17Leclerc.
21:18I am to be
21:20your other
21:21second.
21:22Well, what are all
21:23these for?
21:23Are you
21:23expecting to
21:24clean up the
21:25forest after I
21:26am shot?
21:27I am to
21:28wash the floor
21:29ready for the
21:30party here
21:31afterwards.
21:31See,
21:32that's
21:39the
21:40beauty
21:40look
21:41on
21:41the
21:42side
21:42.
21:42Oh,
21:46oh,
21:47oh,
21:47oh.
21:49Oh.
21:50Oh,
21:50oh,
21:50oh,
21:51oh,
21:52oh,
21:52oh,
21:52oh.
21:53Oh,
21:54oh,
21:54oh,
21:55oh,
21:55oh,
21:56oh,
21:57oh,
21:58oh,
21:58oh,
21:59oh.
21:59Good. We are here first.
22:05Give me my opera glasses.
22:09I do not wish to miss anything.
22:12Tickets, please.
22:37I knew that one day that would come in use.
22:42Oh, Monsieur Arphonse. How elegant he looks.
22:52Madame, this must be your sister.
22:58My mother.
22:59Unbelievable. You are so young, so vivacious.
23:07Take these so you can see to shoot.
23:12There he is.
23:23He has both his seconds with him.
23:31We cannot start yet, because I am not ready.
23:34Besides, Gruber is not here.
23:35Do not worry. He has gone for the kit of the first aid.
23:38Yes, and I hope he will not be long.
23:40This cold scuttle is tight under the arm.
23:43It is just insurance.
23:46Anyway, the German army will be here to save you.
23:48Ah, that makes me feel very brave.
23:52Eh, where, uh, where are they exactly?
23:56You cannot see them, René.
23:58They are camouflaged.
23:59But I have heard rustlings in the woods.
24:04Oh, René.
24:07Oh, how handsome you look.
24:11Oh, this is our hopes you would be on our wedding day.
24:17Oh, excuse me.
24:20It is the handle of the cold scuttle.
24:25This is...
24:26I'm going to use Gruber.
24:28The rest of my clothes.
24:35Gentlemen, your attention, please.
24:37Well, look, I'm here.
24:53Oh, be brave, girls.
24:55Dear girls.
24:57Oh.
25:07Before proceeding, do either of you wish to apologize?
25:17Well, I may have been a bit a...
25:19Certainly not.
25:24If you have behaved like a pig, you will die like a pig.
25:29Very well, monsieur.
25:31You are showing a lot of muscle, René.
25:34What?
25:34This is why I'm loaded.
25:38Choose.
25:40You choose, monsieur.
25:42Huh.
25:50You will start back to back.
25:53Upon the command, march.
25:55You will walk.
25:57Ten paces.
25:58Upon the command, halt.
26:01You will...
26:02Halt.
26:04Upon the command, turn.
26:07You will turn and fire.
26:09Is this clear?
26:11Crystal clear.
26:12Right, we must proceed.
26:15First, my personal farewells.
26:20René.
26:22The French way.
26:23Mr. Alphonse.
26:45Thank you, monsieur.
26:46I hardly know you.
26:49Farewell, Edith.
26:54Farewell, Edith.
26:59Farewell, Edith.
27:04Edith, I am talking to you.
27:06I am about to get shottier and you take no notice.
27:09But, hey, I am just catching up on the gossip.
27:12Bye-bye, René.
27:19Maria.
27:20Yvette.
27:22Farewell.
27:24Madame LaMontagne.
27:27Farewell.
27:28So, gentlemen, let us take up our positions.
27:41Back to back.
27:45Excuse me one moment.
27:47Dearly me.
27:58Bad news, Lieutenant.
28:00Colonel von Strom and Captain Gehring have been arrested by the Gestapo.
28:04The maneuvers have been canceled.
28:07Canceled?
28:07Aren't the Gestapo allowed to do this?
28:12I shall investigate.
28:13Quite right.
28:14After the duel.
28:15Well, what, do you not think you should do it right away?
28:18I mean, I mean, we can do this any old time.
28:20Get on with it.
28:23Back to back.
28:30Cock.
28:32Grandma, monsieur.
28:33What?
28:38One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
28:48Oh!
28:50Oh!
28:55Oh!
28:58Oh!
28:59Oh!
28:59Nancy, boy!
29:05Nancy, boy!
29:06What about my honor?
29:08And my customers?
29:13His shirt is torn.
29:16Is he wounded?
29:17No.
29:18But I...
29:20I can see a dent in his skull's cattle.
29:24Oh!