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00:00You are probably wondering what I am doing driving a German armored car.
00:07Well, I have been helping the captain to blow up a train with a sausage on it.
00:13I know that this does not sound important, but it is.
00:18The sausage is being sent to Hitler,
00:21who thinks that it contains the priceless portrait
00:24of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
00:27That painting is, in fact, in the sausage in my cellar.
00:32That four-eyed Burke up there behind the gun turret,
00:36who could not eat a barn door at 20 paces,
00:40failed to eat the train.
00:42So now Hitler will receive an empty sausage.
00:46When that happens, my friend,
00:48the Canuckwurst will really hit the fan.
00:53However, one disaster at a time,
00:56if I can park this thing back at my café
00:59before anybody realises that we have nicked it,
01:02well, at least I will not get done for taking and driving away
01:06an armored car without the permission of the owner.
01:09Delta, you will drive.
01:14Do not worry, Lieutenant.
01:24You may rely on the Gestapo to find your missing tank.
01:27When we do, the occupants will be short.
01:31Colonel, it is rather chilly.
01:34Shall I place this rug over our knees?
01:36No.
01:37The cold air will be good first.
01:39Particularly you.
01:40Which way, Herr Flick?
01:45We will follow the obvious tire marks of the stolen armored car.
01:58What is going on?
01:59This stupid Englishman disguised as a policeman told the Lieutenant
02:03that his tank had been stolen.
02:05I did not know that it had been drove away by René.
02:09René who walks in the beer.
02:12Idiot.
02:13It is.
02:14Herr Flick has a gun.
02:16If he finds René, he will shoot him.
02:18No.
02:19We must ask you him.
02:21We will follow.
02:22We will use the vehicles of the customers.
02:25Come.
02:32Madame Evelyn, do you have a spanner or a wrench?
02:35Do it, Miss.
02:36I must lower my saddle, otherwise my feet will not reach the pedals.
02:41Sit on the crossbar.
02:43And watch out for that three-speed gear.
02:48Captain.
02:49What is it?
02:50A word of warning.
02:51This time, mind the bridge.
02:53I will.
02:54Oh!
02:55The ammunition lorry will be here in a few minutes.
02:56Let us put in place the roadblock.
02:57Oh!
02:58Oh!
02:59Oh!
03:00Oh!
03:01Oh!
03:02Oh!
03:03Oh!
03:04Oh!
03:05Oh!
03:06Oh!
03:07Oh!
03:08Oh!
03:09Oh!
03:10Oh!
03:11Oh!
03:12Oh!
03:13Oh!
03:14Oh!
03:15Oh!
03:16Oh!
03:17Oh!
03:18Oh!
03:19Oh!
03:20Oh!
03:21Oh!
03:26Oh!
03:27The tracks are faint but they are still visible.
03:30Straight on!
03:32Yvette, Maria, pull down your skirts.
03:35You want to get my café a bad name?
03:37Victor, don't you ever does?
03:42I must go and see to the welfare of the British Airmen.
03:47How are you getting on there, chaps?
03:48What's happening?
03:50Yes.
03:51How much longer do we have to stay out there?
03:53You're not due for milking until 5.30.
03:55I'm jolly hungry.
03:58Here's a bar of chocolate.
04:02You have to blow up an ammunition, Laurie.
04:05Then we'll see if we can rustle up some soup.
04:07Oh, good, Cheryl.
04:08Henriette, have you connected the terminals to the plungeur?
04:11I have.
04:12Where are the explosives?
04:14They're over there.
04:18They're buried in the road.
04:19Good.
04:21I see no sign of their ammunition, Laurie.
04:24Look, an armoured car is approaching from the other direction.
04:28Get your guns at the ready.
04:29If we can hold it up for a few moments, the lorry will be here, and we can fulfill our mission for France.
04:39Michelle, you are the bravest girl that I know.
04:44You too, Henriette.
04:50God bless our mission.
04:52God bless France.
05:04What is that in the road?
05:08It is a farm wagon.
05:09It is very badly parked.
05:12Get out and move it.
05:15Ready?
05:17Fire.
05:18Fire.
05:18Fire.
05:22Fire.
05:24In second thoughts, I will wait a bit.
05:35Quick, a handkerchief.
05:36Are you wounded?
05:37No.
05:39I wish to surrender.
05:45Don't shoot.
05:46Pick him up.
05:47Woo.
05:48step it is the white flag of surrender
05:54look it is renee
06:01you traitor so you have joined the germans this gentleman kindly helped me to borrow the tank
06:12so so we could blow up the train the one you refused to blow up because you were blowing up
06:16an ammunition lorry that is why we are here well you're wasting your time as soon as we heard you
06:21were going to blow it up we cancelled it who told you he did whoo
06:26collaborator michelle it is all part of a very complicated plan to do with hitler and a sausage
06:36and a lot of paintings which would take too long to explain i don't understand half of it myself
06:42the staff car is approaching what our mission is blown we must stop her quick
06:51what are you doing with human's little tank i too would like to know the answer to that question
07:09well colonel you see it's quite clear to see what has happened here flick renee overheard a plot by the
07:16resistance to blow up an ammunition lorry assisted by the captain he borrowed the armored car and with
07:23great bravery found the roadblock and fought off the resistance who even now can be seen running across
07:30the fields i was just about to say all that
07:38my armored car is covered with little dents and there is mud all over the wheels
07:44are you not entirely convinced by this story i have found proof her flick
07:50see this device is commonly used by the resistance when they are going to blow something up
08:00what nonsense this is an ordinary tire pump which has been discarded by a passing motorist
08:07this would not even blow up a tire
08:10well nick you have exploded the gestapo car
08:27well that's nothing to worry about the gestapo could always get another car from berlin
08:34i shall not be informing berlin of this incident i do not wish to look a right nana
08:42you fools you have blown that covered
08:51lieutenant kuba you will drive us home
08:56what's going on now fairfax a lot of girls in their scanties are climbing onto men's bicycles
09:07oh come on what's really going on
09:11i never want to go through a night like that again
09:34when he gets his hands on the colonel's sausage and finds no painting the colonel and the captain
09:41will have had their chips
09:42good riddance
09:44speaking for myself i am up to ear with sausages and paintings and gestapo and escaping airmen
09:50all i want is a quiet life
09:53customers
09:56there's a very close
09:58go away
09:59go away
10:03it is the colonel and the captain
10:07oh my god what now let them in
10:10we can't close the curtains
10:18colonel why are you dressed like that is the war over
10:21for us very likely
10:28he will send some very nasty men to look for us
10:34you must help us get away
10:35yes sir we thought switzerland would do very nicely
10:38we know you run an escape route
10:40yes we need papers we know you have a forger
10:42oh dear colonel i think you have quite the wrong idea about me i am just a simple cafe owner
10:49renee if you do not help us i will drop you in it
10:53what are you going to use for money
10:56we have the painting and we will pay all for the troops
11:00when the troops find out will they not be cross
11:04they will be hopping mad
11:06good
11:08good
11:09it is the police
11:11no
11:12don't let them in
11:13uh...
11:18captain
11:20open the door
11:22oh my god
11:24it's that stupid british idiot to think he can speak french
11:27Good morning
11:32I would offer you a cognac, officer
11:38But I know you are not allowed to drink on duty
11:40So, goodbye
11:41I have come to express my regrets
11:44For the bills up last night
11:46Yes, well, there will be an even bigger bills up this morning
11:50If you do not go away
11:51I have a good nose
11:54Yes, yes, you are very handsome
11:56Now, please, go
11:56My nose is as follows
11:58The troon carrying the sausage has been bummed by the RAF
12:04Bummed by the RAF?
12:09Bummed by the RAF?
12:11What have Sir Naughty RAF been up to now?
12:14They have bombed an ammunition train
12:17Did they destroy it?
12:19There were little pisses all over the track
12:21Hans, this calls for a drink
12:27Oh, it is, Yvette, Maria
12:33How much longer am I to be ignored?
12:39Oh, it is
12:40Where have you been?
12:42I have not seen you for days
12:44Do not be silly, Mama
12:46I gave you your lunch
12:47Listen, I have good news
12:51Monsieur Alphonse the Undertaker is calling
12:54Oh, Undertaker
12:56So little time
13:00Oh, no, Mama
13:02I think he is in love with me
13:04Oh, it is so romantic
13:06I think he is coming to propose to me
13:09Do you remember?
13:11We met him in the square
13:12He has a mustache
13:13Oh, yes, yes
13:15I remember him well
13:16Well, he had a little stiff one
13:19Exactly
13:20Oh, yes, such manners
13:23And today this arrived
13:25And on it was his little card with a love message
13:29Swiftly
13:33And with style
13:36He has a high opinion of himself
13:41No, no, no, Mama
13:43The other side
13:44I always think engagement rings
13:47Are such romantic, pretty things
13:50And so before my life is done
13:53I would dearly like to give you one
13:56Could you read the first part again?
14:10Quick, shut the door
14:11Where is my wife?
14:12She is upstairs dressed up like the dinner of a dog
14:15She is going to parade herself yet again in the town square
14:19Oh, but Renée, you should be happy
14:21If she marries, you will be free
14:23And without a solitary sue
14:25We will have money
14:27We will borrow explosives from the resistance
14:29Blur the safe
14:31Nick the money
14:32And hide in a little garret in Paris
14:35And make love day and night
14:38Until the war is over
14:40Until the war is over
14:40Oh!
14:43The very thought of it makes me go weak at the knees
14:46Oh, not her again
14:51Now listen very carefully
15:04I shall say this only once
15:06The escape package brought by this British agent
15:11Was damaged in the landing
15:12You must help us to mend it
15:14Mend it?
15:15I don't even know what it is
15:16It is a balloon
15:18Made of silk
15:19Filled without air
15:20It will lift the basket with the airmen
15:22And, with a favourable wind
15:24Take them back across the channel
15:26Brilliant
15:27And what do you want?
15:29A needle and cotton?
15:29Some of the fabric is torn away and missing
15:33We need silk to replace it
15:35Silk?
15:36Where am I supposed to find silk?
15:38The urgent crop tree has a plan
15:40Which you will explain
15:41You must go and get your hands on girls' knockers
15:46He means silk knickers
15:52Sorry
15:53Perhaps my French cod be butter
15:57I will give up my knickers for France
16:01Always the patriot
16:04All the girls in the resistance will sacrifice their knickers
16:09When I hear words like that, it brings a lump to my throat
16:14But even that will not be enough
16:18Well, how many pairs of knock-knickers do you require?
16:23At least 40
16:25Or even 50
16:27I will try for 50
16:34Honey
16:36Is your wife's mother passed away?
16:40Well, if she has, she did not tell me
16:42Why do you ask?
16:44Outside is torn up a horse with a horse
16:46An horse, earth
16:48Outside my cafe
16:49What can that mean?
16:50René, go away
16:55What?
16:56It is Monsieur Alphonse
16:57He has come to court me
16:59Ah
17:01The widow Artois
17:03You look so pale and beautiful
17:10How can this man see to bury people?
17:18I think you have met the twin brother of my husband
17:20Ah, Monsieur
17:21How fortunate it is that you are here
17:24As I wish to make my intentions known to you
17:28Ah, you may speak with complete frankness, Monsieur
17:31My girls cater to every taste
17:33You clumsy hoof
17:37Monsieur Alphonse has come to ask for my hand in marriage
17:40What?
17:41That is correct
17:41René, where is your hospitality?
17:44Let us be seated and have some wine
17:47René, a cognac for Monsieur Alphonse
17:49Cognac, very good
17:50Now, Monsieur
17:54I believe you are the next of kin and guardian
17:57This enchanting lady
17:59Therefore
17:59You would wish to know what I have to offer?
18:03Yes
18:04What does an old undertaker have to offer?
18:08Hey
18:08Monsieur, as you know
18:09I have my own undertaker's establishment
18:12And since the war, business has been very brisk
18:15It is an ill wind, as they say
18:18Now, Monsieur
18:27I have two horses and four horses
18:30Four horses, René?
18:33He should have good rhubarb
18:35I have 236 feet of plain oak
18:40Stocks of elm, pine, etc
18:42I have 26 marble angels
18:4512 concrete cherubs
18:47100 weight of assorted handles
18:49And 8 gallons of embalming fluid
18:51Cheers
18:52Sounds a very good business, René
18:56Who could refuse a man with all those coffins
18:59And 8 gallons of embalming fluids?
19:02I should also mention
19:04I have a small horse with a smaller horse
19:06Very handy for shopping
19:09And where is your house?
19:12My house
19:12I have a spacious apartment
19:15Equipped with every luxury
19:17And where is this apartment?
19:20Over the mortuary
19:21It was furnished by my late wife
19:25Who was taken suddenly in the night
19:27Well, at least she did not have far to go
19:30Of course
19:33I realize, beautiful lady
19:35That you have the pick of the town
19:37That you also have younger suitors
19:40More, um...
19:42More, um...
19:43More, um...
19:44More, um...
19:45More, um...
19:46More, um...
19:47More, um...
19:48More, um...
19:49More, um...
19:50More, um...
19:51More, um...
19:51Tuffin together
19:52In the toughest wood
19:57I also have driving ambition
19:59One day
20:01I aim to have a little
20:03Crematorium
20:08Crematorium of my own
20:09I am going to be a nervous wreck in a minute
20:14I realize, of course
20:16That you cannot come to a decision
20:17At this moment
20:18Anyway
20:19Hey
20:20It is time I went
20:22As I am due to lay the widow Moncler
20:24Out in half an hour
20:30Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about
20:35Well, my respects, monsieur
20:36Ladies
20:39Widow, Artois
20:42I await your decision
20:48With anguish
20:50You can always get me
20:53On my night line
20:55I give
21:0224-hour service
21:05Not netball
21:14No good
21:15Let out the gas
21:16I see a big bear
21:31What?
21:34How are you doing, monsieur?
21:36Pardon, madame
21:37I am doing it for France
21:39I have to have your knickers
21:42Enter
21:50Yes, Helga
21:54What can we do for you?
21:55Judging from past experience
21:57Very little
21:57Colonel
22:00I have something very serious to report
22:03And it is very personal
22:05A bun in the oven?
22:08How dare you?
22:09Helga
22:10You are mum's friends
22:11What is it?
22:13I have to report
22:14That I have lost my knickers
22:15It's on the right line
22:18Are you in love with the fellow?
22:23It happened just now in the garden
22:25They were removed
22:26When I was not even looking
22:27What daylight?
22:28They were taken from the line
22:31They were my best silk ones
22:33Oh, the ones with the little spasticus round the edge
22:36Hans, how did you know?
22:40When did you see Helga's knickers?
22:41It was Christmas
22:43When she was hanging up the holly
22:46No wonder you were so keen to hold up the ladder
22:49What did you see people do?
22:53Arrest some peasants and shoot them
22:56Helga, even Germans cannot shoot people for one pair of knickers
23:00You're right, Colonel
23:01After all, what is in a pair of knickers?
23:10Helg
23:10Heil Hitler
23:11Heil Hitler
23:12A plot
23:13Coronel
23:15In the town under your command
23:17There is serious indiscipline
23:19Could you be more specific, Herrflick?
23:22My agents report
23:24That there are many knickers
23:25Disappearing in this town
23:27Really?
23:29What kind of a man would do that?
23:31Kinky
23:31Mine were removed only a few moments ago
23:36Not the ones with the little spasticus
23:39The very same
23:42Suddenly, this minor incident
23:46Has taken a very serious turn
23:48When ordinary French knickers are removed
23:52One could look the other way
23:54To remove the knickers of glorious German army womanhood
23:58Can only result in one penalty
24:00Life?
24:02Death
24:02What do you wish me to do, Herrflick?
24:06A man suspected of the stealing
24:09Was seen going into the back door
24:11Of Café René
24:12You will investigate
24:14At once, Herrflick
24:15Heil Hitler
24:16Heil Hitler
24:16Klopp
24:17You seem very far away, René
24:24You have not spoken to me or morning
24:26My heart is full of sadness, Edith
24:31It seems after all these years of magic
24:35I am to lose you to a director of funerals
24:39Your heart is full of sadness
24:40Because you are worried about losing the café
24:42But I have been thinking, René
24:45I cannot do this to you after all these years
24:49Oh, Edith
24:51You have made me very happy
24:52I will let you stay on as a barman
24:55No, no, I could not stay here
25:00And watch the two of you climb those stairs together
25:03Oh, René, I promise you
25:04I would never do that with him
25:06We will climb the stairs at his place
25:09That does it
25:11I will go now
25:13No longer can I put a brave face on this tragic affair
25:19Oh, René
25:24Do I really mean so much to you?
25:28And is it true you could not live without me?
25:33And if I promise to marry you
25:35Will you promise forevermore to be faithful to me?
25:43And do you find me as beautiful as ever?
25:49Then, although it will break Monsieur Alphonse's heart
25:54I will tell him I am destined for another
25:57There is another one?
26:00No, René
26:01Oh, I am glad I can still make you happy
26:19These flowers here were on the doorstep
26:22They are dressed to you
26:24They are from a Monsieur Alphonse
26:26I hear he intends to marry you
26:28No, I have made up my mind
26:30I am going to marry René
26:33René?
26:38I'm afraid so
26:39Congratulations
26:47The eternal triangle
26:54Ah, Colonel
26:56Welcome to my humble café
26:59I am afraid this is an official visit, René
27:01Line up your staff immediately
27:04Oh, yes, of course, Colonel
27:05Come in here, all of you
27:07The Colonel wishes to speak with you
27:08Was it the rabbit last night, Colonel?
27:11It was not the rabbit
27:13Oh, I see
27:14Well, then, may I inquire the nature of your problem?
27:18Knickers
27:18I am sorry I asked
27:21Now, pay attention, all of you
27:24There are missing in this town
27:26Many pairs of silk knickers
27:29Including a pair
27:31Formerly occupied
27:32By a member of the German staff
27:35Who shall remain nameless?
27:38Helga
27:39They will twist to this address
27:47I require an explanation
27:49Colonel, it is very simple
27:51We wanted the silk
27:54Which is in very short supply
27:56To make a wedding dress
27:58A wedding dress?
28:00Mm-hmm
28:00How, how romantic
28:02Who's it for?
28:06You
28:06Oh, me
28:07I am to be married
28:09Who's the lucky man?
28:11It is I
28:11Alphonse, director of funerals
28:15Swiftly and with style
28:16Hooray!
28:17No, no, you misunderstand
28:19I am to marry the brother of my late husband
28:22René
28:23René?
28:26Oh!
28:30Monsieur
28:30A few hours ago
28:32I came here as a man of honor
28:34To ask you for this lady's hand
28:36You have humiliated me, monsieur
28:39You have insulted me
28:42I will have satisfaction
28:44It is too late for that
28:46She has chosen me
28:47I am a man of honor, monsieur
28:53You will be hearing from me
28:55And my representatives
28:57Will arrange the time
28:59And the place
29:01He will not take no for an answer, will he?
29:09René!
29:10He has challenged you to a duel
29:12What?
29:13Oh, yes
29:14Men are fighting over me
29:16Oh, shut up
29:18Colonel, Colonel
29:20You must have friends
29:21I need papers
29:22I have to get away
29:23Please
29:23Swiftly and with style
29:25Oh, my God