- ayer
Part 1 of 3. After KAOS agents steal DRY-UP, a water evaporation formula, they threaten to eradicate the water supply of the United States. Howard Caine (also known as Major Hochstetter of Hogan's Heroes) plays two roles as CONTROL scientist Dr. Smith and as flamboyant impresario/KAOS agent Russell Bediyoskin, aka "The Big One".
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00:00BANG!
01:19Grab your hands.
01:21That's an interesting device you've got there.
01:24First a ladder, then a rope.
01:25What else does it do?
01:27Oh, well, I'm glad you asked.
01:30You see, it's a flashlight, a camera.
01:33Hand it over.
01:37It's also a parachute.
02:00You see, it's a flashlight, a camera.
02:04You see, it's a flashlight, a camera.
02:09¶¶
02:39Yes, I will, sir.
02:45Well, we're all here, so we might as well get started.
02:47Now, what I'm about to tell you must not leave this room.
02:50It's top security.
02:51Top security?
02:53That calls for the cone of silence, Chief.
02:55Max, how do you expect to get five people into something that small?
02:58Thinking like that would have put the Volkswagen people out of business a long time ago.
03:03Max, sorry, Chief, but the manual calls for the cone of silence.
03:07Any time a situation like this arises, you must follow the manual.
03:12All right, Max, lower it, lower it, lower it.
03:15Okay, get this chair out of here.
03:17Okay, 99, you get around there with the Chief.
03:19You get in here with me.
03:21Okay, no, 99, get in front of the Chief a little bit.
03:23That's it.
03:24Now, Chief, back.
03:25Okay, beautiful, beautiful.
03:27Very good.
03:28That's perfect.
03:29You see, Chief, I told you it could be done.
03:30Look at that.
03:32There's room for one more man.
03:40Okay, Chief, go ahead.
03:42Dr. Waldo Smith.
03:43What?
03:44Dr. Waldo Smith of our PLK lab, the man who invented the stolen formula 607-6767.
03:50What's the number?
03:52607-6...
03:53Never mind.
03:54It's a false number used to protect the identity of the real number.
03:57Oh, what's the purpose of this formula, Chief?
04:00I'm sorry, 99, I can't hear you.
04:01That's my bad ear.
04:02Oh, do you mind?
04:03Oh.
04:07I said, what is the purpose of the formula, Chief?
04:10Well, you don't have to yell now, 99.
04:11That's my good ear.
04:13What?
04:14That's my good ear.
04:15I'm sorry, Chief.
04:16What is the purpose of the formula?
04:18Oh, we don't know.
04:18But if it falls into the hands of chaos, there is no hope for our country.
04:22Chief, is there any evidence as to who might have stolen it?
04:25What?
04:25I asked, is there any evidence as to...
04:28Hold it a minute, fella.
04:29Why don't you get around to the front of the cone?
04:33Excuse me.
04:40I asked, do you have any leads?
04:42We have been approached.
04:44By whom?
04:45What?
04:45Listen, would you mind stepping to the rear of the cone?
04:48Oh, that's much better.
05:01Now, who approached you, Chief?
05:04Well, we don't know who it was.
05:05It was a call from an informer.
05:07He said he'd call back.
05:08When?
05:09What?
05:10Not what.
05:10When?
05:11But what?
05:12Listen, Chief, can we get out of this stupid cone?
05:15We can't hear each other.
05:16What, Max?
05:23Well, that's all for now.
05:24Ask your Nazi crew leader to return to your posts.
05:27Right, sir.
05:27Yes, sir.
05:31Who are they, Chief?
05:33Well, I...
05:33Forget it.
05:36Well, Chief, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but to stay here and wait for that phone call.
05:40Excuse me down there.
05:44Hello?
05:45It's Dr. Smith.
05:47Hold on, Dr. Smith.
05:48We'll put you on the screen.
05:53The professor sure took a beating when chaos stole the formula.
05:56Hello, Dr. Smith.
05:57How are you feeling?
05:58Oh, fine.
06:00Except for this brain concussion.
06:01Any news from our informer?
06:06Not yet.
06:07Dr. Smith, could you describe the capabilities of your formula?
06:10Well, yes, certainly.
06:11It's a catalytic agent that turns water into vapor.
06:16Uh, pardon me.
06:17One drop of it is powerful enough to dry up a body of water the size of Lake Erie in less than an hour.
06:27Uh, we have some photographic evidence here.
06:32Yes, that might prove illuminating.
06:35Finletter, my assistant, was on this boat.
06:38He was attacked by chaos agents, and in order to escape them, he dove overboard, forgetting he had an ounce of the formula in his pocket.
06:45Well, this is the same body of water after he landed in it.
06:50Poor Finletter.
06:51He's the only man who ever drowned in dirt.
06:55If chaos does control this formula, in a matter of days, every American will die of thirst and starvation.
07:04Pardon me.
07:07Is our connection getting fuzzy?
07:09No.
07:10Then I'm going to faint.
07:13Dr. Smith.
07:14Dr. Smith.
07:15Contact's been made on my phone.
07:17The informer wants to make an arrangement.
07:18He's going to call back in five minutes.
07:19Good.
07:20Thank you, grill eater.
07:20Right.
07:21At last.
07:21Who's assigned to this case, Chief?
07:23Let's see whose number's up.
07:2784.
07:29Is Agent 84 out there?
07:31Not here.
07:33Agent 85.
07:34How about 85?
07:35Not here either.
07:37Agent 86?
07:41That's me, Chief.
07:42Melvin Spearman.
07:45Melvin Spearman.
07:50Paging Mr. Melvin Spearman.
07:52Boy, I'm Mr. Spearman.
07:54Phone for you, sir.
07:55Right this way.
07:56Hello, Chief.
08:07How'd you know it was me, Max?
08:08Well, you see, Chief, you're the only one that I gave the cover name Melvin Spearman to.
08:1299 knows me as...
08:14You mean you're using more than one pseudonym on this case?
08:16That's right, Chief.
08:17You see, that way, if I get a call and I'm not able to answer it, at least I know who to call back.
08:23It seems to make sense, and that worries me.
08:25Have you made contact yet, Max?
08:27No, I haven't, Chief.
08:29Our man certainly picked an odd place to hold a meeting.
08:32There's a big awards luncheon here, and the place is full of celebrities.
08:35Milton Steeple.
08:36Paging Mr. Milton Steeple.
08:38Hold on a minute, Chief.
08:39Milton...
08:40I'll take that.
08:41But it's not for you, Mr. Spearman.
08:43It's for Mr. Milton Steeple.
08:44I'm Milton Steeple.
08:46You're Mr. Steeple, Mr. Spearman?
08:48Yes, Steeple is my maiden name.
08:51Here's another half dollar.
08:56Hello, 99?
08:57Hello, Max.
08:58I'm at the Control Savings and Loan Bank.
09:00How much money do you need?
09:02Well, I haven't made contact yet.
09:04You can only withdraw $25,000, Max.
09:06Only $25,000?
09:08Why?
09:09There's a new ceiling on bribes.
09:11That's ridiculous.
09:13Did you tell him it could mean the end of the United States?
09:16How do you think I got them up to $25,000?
09:19Hold on, 99.
09:21Hello, Chief.
09:2399 tells me that the top price they'll pay for information is $25,000.
09:27That's right, Max.
09:28We're trying to cooperate with the President.
09:30Fight inflation.
09:32$25,000 is no kind of money to pay for information.
09:35Maxwell Smart.
09:37Paging Maxwell Smart.
09:3986, aren't they Paging Maxwell Smart?
09:41Yes, Chief.
09:42Aren't you going to answer it?
09:43No, sir.
09:44Why not?
09:45I'm not using the name Maxwell Smart on this case.
09:48Max, that could be the contact.
09:50Paging Maxwell Smart.
09:51I'm Maxwell Smart.
09:53You're Maxwell Smart, too?
09:56Well, you should have told me sooner.
09:57We've got a special today.
09:58Three for a dollar.
09:59That's all.
10:09Hello?
10:10Smart.
10:11Who is this?
10:12I've got the information you want.
10:15I think it's time we met and talked.
10:17Uh, hold on.
10:24Chief?
10:25No, Max.
10:25This is 99.
10:26How much do you want?
10:28I don't know yet.
10:29Hold on.
10:29Hello, Chief.
10:36No, Max.
10:37This is 99.
10:38Hold on.
10:43Hello, Chief.
10:44He wants to make a deal.
10:46Ask him how much.
10:47Right.
10:52Uh, how much do you want?
10:54Max, that's what I ask you.
10:55Sorry, wrong number.
10:56Uh, how much do you want?
11:01What's your top?
11:02Uh, $25,000.
11:04Honestly?
11:06Have I ever lied to you?
11:08All right.
11:10Meet me at precisely four o'clock in the revolving door of the hotel.
11:14In the revolving door?
11:16That way, you're always in front of me.
11:19Yes.
11:19Hold on.
11:23Hello, Chief.
11:24$25,000 is okay.
11:25I'm to meet him in the revolving door at this hotel, four o'clock.
11:2999 and I will back you up.
11:31Tell her to meet me under the lobby clock.
11:33All right, Chief.
11:41Uh, hello?
11:42You're to meet the chief under the lobby clock.
11:45What did you say?
11:46Sorry, sir.
11:47I'll connect you.
11:52Hello, 99.
11:53Meet the chief at the hotel under the clock.
11:55Right, Max.
11:59Hello?
11:59It's a deal.
12:00Four o'clock in the revolving door.
12:02Four o'clock.
12:07Everything's set.
12:08Goodbye, Chief.
12:10So long, 99.
12:12Goodbye.
12:13Whoever you are.
12:16Siegelman.
12:17Paging Miss Mildred Siegelman.
12:21Mildred Siegelman?
12:24I don't think so, but I better take it just in case.
12:32Hello, this is Mildred.
12:33Don't turn around, Mr. Smart.
12:48Well, you certainly took your sweet time about getting here.
12:52I had to be careful.
12:53I thought I was being followed.
12:55You have the money?
12:57You have the information?
12:58Not until I get the money.
13:00First, the information.
13:02The money.
13:03The information.
13:04All right.
13:04We can keep going around in circles like this all night long.
13:07Maybe you can.
13:09But I've got just about one more trip left in maybe four...
13:12I think that was it.
13:26All right.
13:26I'll trust you.
13:27The formula was stolen by...
13:29Right over there on the couch, Max.
13:52Oh, I'm in pain.
13:54Don't exert yourself.
13:5599, get the house, doctor, will you?
13:57Right away, chief.
13:57Max, do you have any idea who this is?
14:00I've seen that face somewhere before, chief.
14:03I've got it.
14:04That's Russell Betty Oyskin, the famous movie actor.
14:06He plays character parts.
14:08Are you sure?
14:09I'm in pain.
14:11Are you Russell Betty Oyskin?
14:13Help.
14:14I'm...
14:16You recognized me.
14:19Are you kidding?
14:19You're one of my favorite actors.
14:21I'll never forget your great dying scene in The Edge of Darkness.
14:24I'm very good at dying.
14:27In my new picture, I do a dying scene you won't believe in.
14:33Authentic.
14:35I never knew how authentic.
14:37You'll never top edge of darkness.
14:39Max, forgive me.
14:40Ask him.
14:42Ask him what?
14:43You know what?
14:43Ask him.
14:45Chief, I can't ask a man for his autograph at a time like this.
14:49It's all right.
14:50Have you got a pen?
14:52Mr. Betty Oyskin, we just want to know, who was it that stole the formula?
14:55It was a pussy.
14:57What?
14:58A pussy.
14:59A pussy.
15:00What'd he say?
15:01He wants to be turned around.
15:03This is his good side.
15:04Chief, chaos is on TV.
15:05And if we do not receive $1 billion, I repeat, $1 billion within 48 hours, we will unleash
15:15the terrifying power of formula 6076767.
15:20Your country will be turned into a wasteland.
15:22Remember, friends, now only chaos has formula 6076767.
15:29Known to scientists around the world by the trade name, Dryup.
15:34D-R-Y-U-P.
15:37A product now of Chaos Incorporated.
15:40That's not a bad little show.
15:42But it'll be on earlier for the kids.
15:45You make it as Max, you think they're bluffing?
15:46Pardon me, sir.
15:51Your vest button is flashing.
15:55Get lost, fella.
15:57I hate drunks.
15:59What, are you some kind of a bigot?
16:09What's with your vest?
16:10It's my shoe phone, Chief.
16:11I had a light installed instead of a ring.
16:13It's less conspicuous.
16:14It certainly is.
16:1586 here.
16:20Yes, sir.
16:21Yes, he is, sir.
16:22Just a moment, sir.
16:24What'd you just do?
16:25I put the call on hold.
16:27It's for you, Chief.
16:28It's him.
16:31Yes, sir.
16:33Yes, sir.
16:33We saw the telecast.
16:35Yes, in color.
16:36Yes, it was very pretty.
16:38No, sir, we haven't been idle.
16:39We have a witness.
16:40Unfortunately, he's been shot, and we have to rush him to a hospital.
16:43Don't worry, sir.
16:45We'll get that formula back, even if it means our lives.
16:50Yes, sir.
16:51He's calling an emergency session of all our top security officials.
16:55What did he say, Chief, when you told him we'd get the formula back, even if it meant our lives?
16:59He said we'd have to do better than that.
17:00This is the doctor now.
17:03Doctor?
17:04Yes, I'm a hotel doctor.
17:05You sent for me?
17:06Yes, right this way, doctor.
17:07All right.
17:09Is this the patient?
17:10Yes, he is.
17:10He's been shot.
17:12I'm the doctor.
17:12I'll make the diagnosis.
17:14Please hurry up.
17:14This is a government emergency.
17:17How does Betty Oyskin fit in all this?
17:19Why does a man of his reputation need money so desperately?
17:22I can answer that.
17:23And just who are you?
17:29I am Otto Hurrah.
17:33The same Otto Hurrah who made Edge of Morning?
17:36The same.
17:37The only.
17:39The original.
17:40I'm glad you liked the picture.
17:43You did like the picture.
17:44I liked it so much, I saw it once.
17:48Mr. Hurrah, do you know Russell Betty Oyskin?
17:50Do I know Russell Betty Oyskin?
17:52Yes.
17:54This unfortunate is my friend.
17:56My friend who gambled away his home, his wife.
17:59And now perhaps his life.
18:02Please, I would like to help.
18:04If he needs anything.
18:05Money, blood, publicity.
18:09What kind of gambler is Betty Oyskin?
18:11A losing one.
18:12It doesn't matter.
18:13Horses, dice, cards.
18:15He loses.
18:16He's always on the edge of ruin.
18:20Edge of ruin.
18:23Not a bad title.
18:27I love it.
18:31Chief.
18:32The hotel doctor's coming right down.
18:35He's here already, 99.
18:36That's not the hotel doctor.
18:39Are you sure?
18:40I'm absolutely positive the hotel doctor's a woman.
18:42I just spoke to her.
18:45A hypodermic needle?
18:46Good work, Max.
19:03Is he dead?
19:03I think so, Chief.
19:04Unless the stuff in that hypodermic needle is penicillin, and I don't think it is.
19:08Whatever he was going to inject Betty Oyskin with, it would have killed him instantly.
19:12This is terrible.
19:14One man killed and another man wounded.
19:16Where are the police?
19:17Well, we called him before, but the line was busy.
19:20Well, if you have no further need for me, I will be on my way.
19:24Or to hurrah, we'll say goodbye.
19:27Goodbye.
19:32Chief, we've got to get Betty Oyskin out of here right away.
19:35Right.
19:35If we don't, chaos, I'll kill him before we can get him into protective custody at the hospital.
19:39But we'd better use our own ambulance, disguised, of course.
19:41What's available to us, 99?
19:43Well, we have one ambulance disguised as a flower truck, and another disguised as a bakery truck.
19:47No good.
19:48We can't have them speeding without attracting attention.
19:50Wait a minute, Chief.
19:51Don't we have an ambulance disguised as a garbage truck?
19:54How can you explain a garbage truck going 80 miles an hour in traffic?
19:58Special delivery?
20:00Ambulance disguised as an ambulance.
20:03We'll use the bakery truck.
20:04We can't take chances.
20:05We'll have to get him out the back way.
20:07I don't think we should lift him.
20:08I think we'd better carry him out on the couch.
20:10A minute.
20:11Larrabee, clear the lobby.
20:12Careful.
20:16Now, we'll have to find somebody to substitute for Betty Oyskin in the regular ambulance.
20:21Yes, and we're going to need another couch, too, Chief.
20:23Chief, the one who goes in that ambulance is on a suicide mission.
20:26I know, 99, but we've got to have a decoy.
20:29Who have you got in mind, Chief?
20:37You, Max.
20:47Good luck, Max.
20:50Chief, what's wrong?
20:52Nothing, 99.
20:53It's just not easy sending men out on missions knowing they may never come back.
20:57Last week, two assignments.
20:59Two agents killed.
21:01Balzac and Nicholson.
21:03I feel like a jinx.
21:05Oh, Chief, you're just having bad luck.
21:07He's having better luck than Balzac and Nicholson.
21:14Over here, men.
21:15Now, be gentle with him.
21:31He has a bullet lodged in his ribcage.
21:34Move the coffee table.
21:38Good job.
21:39Gentlemen.
22:02What hospital are you taking him to?
22:04Washington General.
22:05General.
22:09So far, so good.
22:21Now we've got to take care of Betty Oiskin.
22:23Right, Chief.
22:23Governor John.
22:44I'm a pitcher.
22:46I'm a pitcher.
22:49Oh, my God.
23:19Got your silencer on?
23:44Okay, let him have it.
23:49Hold it, it's a cop.
23:57Oh, my God.
24:27Oh, my God.
24:57Oh, my God.
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