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  • 5 days ago

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00:00:00Have you got any idea how much money we made recently?
00:00:09Loads of bunts, Rodders, loads of bunts.
00:00:12We have made nearly £2,000 in the last month.
00:00:18Am I a genius or am I just a miracle worker?
00:00:21We sold over 400 of those ladies' electric raises.
00:00:24I told you they'd sell, didn't I?
00:00:26You wouldn't think there was that much air about, would you?
00:00:30Here, you chuck all those bills and receipts down the chute.
00:00:33I don't want no evidence left around the flat.
00:00:36What's that dirty-looking thing?
00:00:39That is your Uncle, Rodney.
00:00:43Please show a bit more respect.
00:00:45Here, come on, Uncle. Get yourself a drink, we're celebrating.
00:00:48That's all right, Jill.
00:00:49This is from my old days, Rodney.
00:00:51All those years ago when I used to sail the Seven Seas.
00:00:55What is it, treasure?
00:00:56Ah, just a few old photos and letters from my days in the Navy.
00:01:02It's nothing much.
00:01:03Just me memories.
00:01:05Don't worry.
00:01:06Rodney's chucking a whole load of gear down the chute in a minute.
00:01:08He'll get rid of it for you.
00:01:09This is the history of my life.
00:01:11That's why I thought you'd want to get rid of it.
00:01:14Is that you?
00:01:17Yeah.
00:01:18That's when I first joined the Navy.
00:01:2217 I was.
00:01:24God, you ain't changed, don't you?
00:01:29What do you mean, he had a big white beard then?
00:01:31No, I mean he's wearing the same clothes.
00:01:35What's the matter with you two daft sods?
00:01:37Well, we're celebrating we've had a blinding month.
00:01:41What is all this?
00:01:42What's this here, look?
00:01:451941, my birthday party on board HMS Peerless.
00:01:48God, I mean they look like a right bunch of toe rags, Albert.
00:01:50Yeah, that's me and some of my mates when we were serving out in the South China Sea.
00:01:55Brave lads, Del.
00:01:56Look at them.
00:01:57Like steely-eyed young lions.
00:01:59Yeah.
00:02:00You look like Clarence the cross-eyed lion.
00:02:03Well, I'd just been out to a nightclub to celebrate my birthday.
00:02:07Who's this geezer in the G-string with a ruby through his belly?
00:02:11This one, the dancing girls from the nightclub.
00:02:15We sneaked her back to show around HMS Peerless.
00:02:19You dirty old goat.
00:02:22The catten used to call it a submarine hunter.
00:02:26She was nothing more than an old tug.
00:02:29Yeah, she looks like a rough and ready girl.
00:02:32I'm talking about HMS Peerless.
00:02:34Oh, sorry.
00:02:34Yeah, a few hours after that photo was taken, we was in action.
00:02:39Not surprised it took you that long.
00:02:44Japanese sub was spotted in the area.
00:02:46God, that's all you need, ain't it, eh?
00:02:48Yeah, there was an American aircraft carrier out lying offshore.
00:02:54USS Pittsburgh.
00:02:56Yeah, it was our job to protect her.
00:02:58Well, we haven't been sailing for about her now and we crashed right into her.
00:03:01Oh, God, didn't I make a noise?
00:03:05You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?
00:03:09Yeah.
00:03:11It was a good job she was there, actually.
00:03:14She picked up most of the survivors.
00:03:15Was your ship badly damaged?
00:03:21Couldn't tell, Rodney.
00:03:23It sunk.
00:03:25Of course, they tried to put the blame on me.
00:03:28Yeah.
00:03:28Well, sounds fair, doesn't it, eh?
00:03:30Just because I was on watch at the time.
00:03:33I had my excuses ready.
00:03:35What, you were drunk?
00:03:36The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no lights.
00:03:42They weren't allowed.
00:03:43There was a war on.
00:03:44Yeah, well, I know.
00:03:44Of course it was.
00:03:45So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities.
00:03:48Like, er, er, it was in broad daylight.
00:03:51You didn't see an aircraft carrier.
00:04:0542,000 tonnes of steel.
00:04:09In broad daylight.
00:04:11Well, I wasn't close enough.
00:04:15Well, you must have been reasonably close, haven't you, idiot?
00:04:17Well, there's good more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest.
00:04:22I mean, I wasn't up on deck.
00:04:24I was in the radar room watching the screen.
00:04:27I couldn't make it in the tail of it.
00:04:30It was all blibs and blobs.
00:04:33The Japanese sub had it away a bit lively.
00:04:36I suppose he didn't feel needed with you around.
00:04:41Oi, did you get into trouble for it?
00:04:44Court-martial.
00:04:45The papers were sent to Naval Headquarters, Singapore.
00:04:49You were court-martialed?
00:04:50No.
00:04:51As luck would have it, before my trial, the Japanese invasion,
00:04:55I never heard another word about it.
00:04:58And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky.
00:05:04That was a bit strong, wasn't it, trying to court-martial him?
00:05:14Well, he had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft carrier.
00:05:18Yeah, I know, but it was his birthday.
00:05:21Yeah, yeah, I forgot.
00:05:23Oh, not for long, though.
00:05:25Now, this picture was taken in 1941 on his birthday, right?
00:05:28You seen the date?
00:05:30It's been a couple of weeks' time, hasn't it?
00:05:35Yeah.
00:05:36You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to let us know
00:05:39so he'd arrange a birthday treat, do you?
00:05:43Wash your mouth up with soap and water, Rodney.
00:05:45Your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person.
00:05:50He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat.
00:05:53Sly old git.
00:05:55So he wants a surprise for his birthday, does he?
00:05:58What are you going to do?
00:06:01I don't know, yeah.
00:06:03But I'll think of something to pull him up a bit lively.
00:06:05We could give him one of them electric razors.
00:06:09Yeah!
00:06:13Why, I don't see
00:06:15Oh, Kevin's loved one
00:06:21Saving me
00:06:24Why does he keep doing it, eh?
00:06:40Gould knows.
00:06:41I suppose at some time in his life
00:06:43someone told him he could play the piano.
00:06:46Yeah.
00:06:47I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing.
00:06:51He's a trotter.
00:06:52What more can you say about the man?
00:06:55A couple of years ago
00:06:56I went down to the local library
00:06:58and read some ancient manuscripts
00:06:59written by the elders of Peckham.
00:07:02Did you know 500 years ago
00:07:04this was a green and peaceful area?
00:07:08The old Earl of Peckham had a castle
00:07:10where the quick-fit exhaust centre now stands.
00:07:14Flaxen-haired maidens
00:07:15used to dance round the village maypole of an evening.
00:07:19And then one fateful medieval day
00:07:21the trotter clan arrived in a stolen zephyr.
00:07:27Before you knew it
00:07:28the flaxen-haired maidens were up the spout
00:07:30the old Earl had been sold some okey armour
00:07:32and someone nicked a maypole.
00:07:37Then a hundred years after that
00:07:38the Black Death arrived in England
00:07:40the people of Peckham thought their luck had changed.
00:07:45Yeah, talk of changing luck.
00:07:47Look at this.
00:07:48Oh, my God.
00:07:49Mate, all right, Boise?
00:07:53Well, I was...
00:07:55There you go, Trent.
00:07:56There's a scotch, mate.
00:07:58How do you know I wanted a scotch?
00:07:59Because if I was dressed like that
00:08:00I'd want a scotch.
00:08:01Oh, is this something to do with the new religion?
00:08:09I'm taking a lady out to lunch.
00:08:12Are you sure?
00:08:14Yeah, positive.
00:08:16I booked us a table at that little Italian place opposite.
00:08:19I thought I'd better try and make an impression.
00:08:21Well, you'll certainly do that
00:08:25and no worries, Trent.
00:08:26Oh, thanks, boys.
00:08:32Morning, Michael.
00:08:33Same again for Boise.
00:08:34A non-alcoholic lager top for Rodney.
00:08:39Malibu and Cherriade for moi.
00:08:43Is it Comic Relief Day again?
00:08:47No, it ain't Comic Relief Day, mate.
00:08:50I've got a date.
00:08:53Oh, well, you want to watch them stones
00:08:54because they've got one caught on his face.
00:08:57No, Dave.
00:08:58I mean, I've got a lunch date with a lady.
00:09:02Are you sure?
00:09:04Yeah.
00:09:05I've got to meet her in a couple of minutes.
00:09:07I just popped in for some Dutch courage.
00:09:09Well, who is you?
00:09:10Anyone we know?
00:09:11No, no, you don't know her.
00:09:13Come to that, I don't know her either.
00:09:16How do you mean, Trent?
00:09:17Well, these people arranged it for me.
00:09:20Eh?
00:09:22The Techno Match Friendship and Match and Melodial Agency.
00:09:27You haven't joined one of them computer dating firms, have you?
00:09:30Yeah, they'd just opened up a shop down the high street,
00:09:32so I thought they'd have 25 quids worth, see what occurs.
00:09:35So, what's this bird look like?
00:09:37Well, I don't know.
00:09:38They don't show you pictures of each other.
00:09:40Oh, that's a bit risky, isn't it?
00:09:42Well, that's her problem.
00:09:43They fed all of my information into a computer,
00:09:49and it came out with a woman who was compatible with me.
00:09:56That's what I like about this agency, you know where you stand with them.
00:09:59They insist on honesty.
00:10:00So, you told them you were a road sweeper?
00:10:04No.
00:10:04I told them I was a bus inspector.
00:10:07Why?
00:10:08To add a bit of glamour.
00:10:11Ah, yeah, yeah, good idea.
00:10:15Right then, here goes.
00:10:17I'll see you later.
00:10:34Well, rather him than me, he's walking straight into the unknown.
00:10:40It's a bit like that television programme, isn't it?
00:10:43Yeah.
00:10:44You know, blind date.
00:10:46Oh, I thought you meant that's my dog.
00:10:51Marlene and Dupesit and what's that, you know.
00:10:54Soppy as sacks are two of them.
00:10:56The dog gets more questions right than her.
00:11:00Michael, here.
00:11:01Can I have a word about Albert?
00:11:03Ah, now there's a coincidence, Del.
00:11:05I wanted to have a little word with you about him as well.
00:11:08He's not still singing in here of an evening, is he?
00:11:10Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:11:12He's doing matinees now, Del.
00:11:13Well, my pie sales have fallen.
00:11:16All right, all right.
00:11:17Listen, I'll have a word with him.
00:11:18Look, listen, I want you to do me a favour.
00:11:19It's Albert's birthday in a couple of weeks' time and I want to throw a little party for him.
00:11:23What?
00:11:23In here?
00:11:24Well, yeah, you know, just a few drinks, a bit of grub and what have you.
00:11:26No, no, no.
00:11:27I'll stick 150 across the counter.
00:11:30All right, Del.
00:11:31Listen, you can have the pub on one condition.
00:11:35He doesn't sing.
00:11:36Fair enough, mate.
00:11:37He doesn't use no bad language in front of the ladies.
00:11:40Right-o, mate.
00:11:41And he doesn't dance.
00:11:43Got you, mate.
00:11:44He tells no rude jokes.
00:11:48Goes without saying, Michael.
00:11:49And he don't drink too much.
00:11:52I'll perish the thought.
00:11:53He just sits down quietly, soberly and enjoys himself.
00:12:00He's going to really look forward to this, mate.
00:12:04Thanks very much indeed.
00:12:06No, I mean, he makes up more rules than the common market, that bloke.
00:12:09Now, be honest, he's ruining this pub, hasn't he?
00:12:11I honestly wouldn't know, Del boy.
00:12:13I'm very rarely in here these days.
00:12:15I spend most of my free time down at the lodge.
00:12:18Oh, of course, the lodge.
00:12:21What's it you become?
00:12:22A buffalo?
00:12:25I am not a buffalo.
00:12:27I am a pucker mason.
00:12:29Secret handshakes, initiation ceremonies are works.
00:12:33What do you want to join that bunch of dipsticks for?
00:12:36It is a great honour to be chosen.
00:12:38It is not something you turn down lightly, Derek.
00:12:41Oh, no.
00:12:42It's changed my life.
00:12:44I'm involved in a lot of charity work these days.
00:12:47Helping the local needy and underprivileged.
00:12:50It's got its good side as well, of course.
00:12:53Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever humanly possible.
00:12:58It sounds like a load of old snobs trying to clone another load of old snobs.
00:13:02We're not snobs.
00:13:04Anyone can join.
00:13:05We come from all walks of life, right across the social spectrum.
00:13:08We've got estate agents, a judge, a commissioner of police, the mayor.
00:13:13We've got all sorts.
00:13:14Yeah, so's Bertie Bassett.
00:13:19That is not all walks of life, boys.
00:13:21Well, all right, all right.
00:13:22Well, we've got a television director.
00:13:25Oh, yeah.
00:13:26And what does he do?
00:13:27Film the secret handshakes in case you wallies forget.
00:13:29I'll see you in a minute.
00:13:34I'm going to have a chat with Mickey and Jebby.
00:13:35Yeah, all right.
00:13:36Listen, I'm going to pop down the betting shop.
00:13:37I'll pick you up later, all right?
00:13:38Yeah, all right.
00:13:39What is the matter with that boy?
00:13:41He's all social conscience.
00:13:43Yeah, well, he's one of life's carers, isn't he?
00:13:47Reminds me a bit of my mum, doesn't he, you?
00:13:49Yeah.
00:13:52Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers.
00:13:54I don't believe it.
00:14:13That's a woman.
00:14:14That's a woman.
00:14:24What, you nearest?
00:14:36Well, you made me jump.
00:14:37It's only me.
00:14:39Um, can I get you a drink?
00:14:41No, I've got one.
00:14:42Oh.
00:14:43Um, I was wondering maybe you'd quite like to come out sometime during the week.
00:14:51Where?
00:14:53I don't know, anywhere.
00:14:55Who with?
00:14:59Well, me.
00:15:02All right, then.
00:15:03I'll have to be during the day, because I work in here most evenings.
00:15:06I'll have to see if I can get a day off.
00:15:09Well, you said you run the business.
00:15:11Well, yeah, yeah, I do.
00:15:13I do run the business, but, you know, I don't like leaving Del in charge,
00:15:16because he mucks my system up, you know.
00:15:19Well, I'll phone you on it, then.
00:15:21Yeah.
00:15:22All right, then.
00:15:23See you in the week.
00:15:25Yeah.
00:15:26Go on, then.
00:15:29Go on.
00:15:30All right.
00:15:32What, new?
00:15:33How do you get on with Nerys?
00:15:37Okay.
00:15:38Bet you didn't get a date with her.
00:15:39I'll save your money, Jevon, my man.
00:15:42I'm taking her out next week.
00:15:44How do you manage that?
00:15:46I've been trying to date her for ages, and bear in mind who's talking here,
00:15:50I've had to employ her secretary to handle all my dates.
00:15:53Rodney has got something you haven't got, Jevon.
00:15:56It is a thing called machismo.
00:15:59I've told you before.
00:16:01Nerys goes for mechomen.
00:16:06I have known Rodney a lot longer than you,
00:16:09and he can be a right hardneck when he wants to be.
00:16:13Well...
00:16:14Muscle and sweat.
00:16:15That is what Nerys goes for.
00:16:17Yeah, but Rodney's no master of the universe, is he?
00:16:20But he has the aura of inner strength.
00:16:23It's because I'm wiry, you see.
00:16:26Nerys likes guys who live their lives at 100 miles an hour,
00:16:30and they reckon when she's hot, she is hot.
00:16:34The only guy that could put her out is where they're down,
00:16:36and he's too expensive.
00:16:37Yeah, well, I think you should treat a chick with consideration, you know?
00:16:40And that is why you'll never get a date with Nerys, Jevon.
00:16:43She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers.
00:16:47My main man here plays his cards right.
00:16:50See you, big guy.
00:16:53Hey.
00:16:54Take care.
00:16:55Yeah!
00:16:57Yeah!
00:17:04Just that, man.
00:17:06Rodney Totter's just got himself a date.
00:17:08And we've convinced him she likes really tough macho men.
00:17:11Who's the bird, then?
00:17:12Nerys.
00:17:14What?
00:17:16Nervous Nerys?
00:17:18Yes!
00:17:31So, can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for?
00:17:38Well, bird.
00:17:40Yes, but are there any particular requirements?
00:17:43Yeah, local bird.
00:17:44But I don't want to do too much of that driving, Lark.
00:17:46So, er, you're not looking for a special type of person?
00:17:49Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort.
00:17:53A bit of a sort?
00:17:55Yeah, you know.
00:17:57Everything in the right place, you know.
00:17:59Oh, yeah, and she must be a bit refined.
00:18:01Must she?
00:18:02Oh, yeah.
00:18:03I don't want you lumbering me with some old bow-wow who don't know the difference between a leaf brown milk and a can of tiser.
00:18:09What?
00:18:11Because I'm a bit of a culture vulture myself, you know.
00:18:13Oh, man of the arts.
00:18:16Oh, yeah, she can't whack it.
00:18:18And you can tell the lucky lady she is guaranteed a steak meal.
00:18:22A steak meal?
00:18:23Guaranteed.
00:18:28Do you want to put that on your floppy disk or what?
00:18:31Yes, er, I'll make a note.
00:18:34A steak meal.
00:18:39Now, please don't feel pressurised by this next question.
00:18:42We're not trying to force you into any decision or commitment.
00:18:45The question is simply asked to protect our clients.
00:18:48Yes, go on, fire away.
00:18:49I've got nothing to hide.
00:18:50What exactly do you seek from this proposed introduction?
00:18:53Is it simply friendship?
00:18:58Yeah, yeah, friendship.
00:18:59Yeah, that'll do for a start.
00:18:59Yeah, yeah.
00:19:00No, no, no, no.
00:19:01What I'm getting at is do you see this leading to a more permanent relationship or even marriage?
00:19:06Oi, slow down.
00:19:07Slow down, John.
00:19:08Oi, oi, oi.
00:19:09You haven't even sought me one out yet.
00:19:11No, no, no, no, no.
00:19:11Just say friendship.
00:19:12That'll do for a start.
00:19:13Go on.
00:19:13Yes, of course.
00:19:14Fine.
00:19:15Well, let's see what surprises the computer has in store for you.
00:19:18I'll just feed your information into our main computer.
00:19:24Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit.
00:19:27Obviously a refined lady.
00:19:28She's on the board of governors of an arts fund committee.
00:19:3238 years old.
00:19:34Knocking on a bit, isn't she?
00:19:36Yes, she's widowed.
00:19:37And her late husband was a stockbroker.
00:19:44No, I don't think you're right for each other.
00:19:46No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:19:47Just to really, just to really.
00:19:48Don't jump in the gun.
00:19:49I'll give you a bash if she will.
00:19:50No, she's a rather sensitive person.
00:19:52She's widest right up my street, innit?
00:19:54Yes, but she's specified a non-smoker.
00:19:57Well, you win some, you lose some, don't you?
00:20:04Now, this looks more promising.
00:20:06Young lady, 30 years old.
00:20:08Something of a career woman.
00:20:09Yeah, go on.
00:20:10Yes, she's an actress.
00:20:12Yeah?
00:20:13Is she famous?
00:20:15I wouldn't have thought so, would you?
00:20:17No, no, no.
00:20:18It might be a nice introduction, seeing as you share a common interest.
00:20:25What's that?
00:20:27The arts?
00:20:28Oh, yes, yes.
00:20:30Right, yeah.
00:20:31Perfect.
00:20:31Well, then, where do we meet, you know, and how do we recognise each other?
00:20:35That's always assuming that the young lady fancies it.
00:20:38And what do you say her name again was?
00:20:39Uh, Miss Turner.
00:20:42Raquel Turner.
00:20:43Raquel?
00:20:46Raquel.
00:20:48Do you know that Raquel is my most favourite name?
00:20:51How fortunate.
00:20:51In the present social climate, we recommend that the first meeting is during the day.
00:20:57A lunch appointment, something like that.
00:20:59After that, it's entirely up to the two clients.
00:21:01A good meeting place is under the main clock at Waterloo Station.
00:21:04It's rather traditional and, in its way, quite romantic.
00:21:08It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson.
00:21:12We suggest that the gentleman carries a bunch of flowers as a point of recognition and as a gift for the lady.
00:21:17Oh, right.
00:21:18Did they hit it off?
00:21:22Who?
00:21:23Well, it's Trevor and Celia sort.
00:21:27Yes, yes.
00:21:28Ah, cushy.
00:21:29Right, well, you get on a blower and give Raquel the old SP.
00:21:32Oh, and tell her to keep on her toes.
00:21:34Because the last girl I met at Waterloo Station got mugged on the escalator.
00:21:37Yes, I'll, um, I'll tell her.
00:21:43When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet, we do emphasise the importance of complete honesty.
00:21:50There is very little future in fabrication or deceit.
00:21:53No, no, no, I agree.
00:21:54Yeah, no, we've got to be right up front with each other.
00:21:56Good.
00:21:57Now, I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the £25 membership fee.
00:22:01Right.
00:22:02I'm sorry, I've forgotten.
00:22:03Is there an E on the end of your name?
00:22:05No, no, no E.
00:22:06It's Duval.
00:22:08Derek Duval.
00:22:09OK, John, thanks very much for your opinion.
00:22:12Thanks for coming in.
00:22:13I'd like now to move on to Wembley, Middlesex.
00:22:16John Gordon.
00:22:17Hi, John.
00:22:18Hi.
00:22:18Right, John, you saw the programme.
00:22:20What was your opinion of it?
00:22:21I thought it was very biased against the SAS.
00:22:36You got it.
00:22:39No, I'm going to bleed the brakes on the van.
00:22:46Of course I'm going out.
00:22:48What is it, a special occasion?
00:22:50Could be, Uncle, could be.
00:22:51You never can tell.
00:22:54I thought it might be one of your mate's birthdays or something.
00:22:58No, no, it's nothing like that.
00:22:59I'm taking a young lady out to lunch.
00:23:01When I was a lad, I saw smashing birthday parties.
00:23:05When you get to my age, nobody bothers.
00:23:07You know, I know, it's a bark, isn't it, eh?
00:23:11Yeah.
00:23:12So who's the bird?
00:23:14It's not a bird.
00:23:15It's an actress.
00:23:16Yeah?
00:23:17Yeah.
00:23:18Who?
00:23:19Raquel Turner.
00:23:21Don't ring a bell.
00:23:22What's she been in?
00:23:24Oh, loads of things.
00:23:25I can't remember them off the top of my head.
00:23:27What's she look like?
00:23:29Oh, well, she's a...
00:23:31I know, it's rather difficult to describe her.
00:23:34Oh, is she tall, short, dark, fair, fat or thin?
00:23:38Look, she's an actress.
00:23:39She keeps changing her appearance.
00:23:43How are you going to recognise her, then?
00:23:44Look, I'll recognise her.
00:23:46Just don't keep going on about it, will you?
00:23:48Yeah.
00:23:49Have you got anything for the laundrette?
00:23:50Go and get it now.
00:23:52Oh, it's not your watching date today, is it?
00:23:53No, but Rodney's going out as well.
00:23:55I don't want to sit in this flat on me own.
00:23:57All right.
00:23:58Hello, Miss Turner.
00:24:07May I say...
00:24:07How do you do, Miss Turner?
00:24:15May I say how very pleased I am to meet you?
00:24:19I've admired your work for many years.
00:24:23May I call you Raquel?
00:24:25Well, Raquel is one of my most favourite names.
00:24:29Yeah.
00:24:32My old joie de vivre will knock a bandit.
00:24:35Now then, a quick livener, I think.
00:24:38And then off we go.
00:24:39Now then, where is it?
00:24:39Where is that?
00:24:40Oh.
00:24:55You're still here, then?
00:25:11Yeah, just about, just about.
00:25:14I thought you got a date with that nearest bird.
00:25:16Yeah, I have.
00:25:17Well, you'd better hurry up and get changed, won't you?
00:25:20You're right.
00:25:22I am changed.
00:25:24We're going out like that?
00:25:26Well, what's wrong with me?
00:25:27Well, you look like an hooligan.
00:25:30It is the fashion.
00:25:32Haven't you read about it?
00:25:33It's called the James Dean look.
00:25:36Yeah, but when they said the James Dean look,
00:25:38they meant before the crash.
00:25:39I can't see you getting very far with that nearest bird,
00:25:45dressed like that.
00:25:46Oi, you just keep it out, right?
00:25:48You let me lead my own life.
00:25:50All right, all right.
00:25:51Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble.
00:25:56I thought you were going out.
00:25:58I am going out.
00:26:00Well, hurry up and change.
00:26:01I'll take those clothes down the Lord's neck for you.
00:26:04I am wearing these clothes.
00:26:07Yeah?
00:26:07Ah, where are you taking her then, scrubbing?
00:26:12Tell boy's going out to lunch with a world-famous actress.
00:26:15Yeah.
00:26:16You got my socks and pants in now?
00:26:18Yeah, I've got them, boy.
00:26:19See you later.
00:26:20Yeah.
00:26:23So who is it then?
00:26:25Meryl Streep?
00:26:26No.
00:26:28Raquel Turner.
00:26:30Are you kidding me?
00:26:32No, straight up.
00:26:35The Raquel Turner.
00:26:37Well, yeah, have you heard of her?
00:26:44No.
00:26:52She been in anything?
00:26:53Yes, loads of things, but nothing that you would have seen her in, Rodney.
00:26:57And what's that supposed to mean?
00:26:58She has not been on top of her pops or repeats a Batman.
00:27:05Where are you taking her then?
00:27:06I am meeting her at Waterloo Station, and I have booked a table for lunch at the Hilton Hotel Park Lane.
00:27:17Are you taking the van?
00:27:21No, I am not taking the van.
00:27:24Where would you meet an actress?
00:27:27A friend of mine's in show business.
00:27:28He's introduced us.
00:27:30Oh, no, wait a minute.
00:27:32The other day, Albert took a call for you.
00:27:33That was from some agency.
00:27:36Oh, well.
00:27:37Oh, was it?
00:27:39It's your mate an agent?
00:27:40Yeah.
00:27:40Oh, yeah, that's right.
00:27:41Yes, it's a show business agent.
00:27:42Yeah, that's it.
00:27:43Oh, bloody hell, Dill.
00:27:44You wait till I tell the others.
00:27:46Oi, any chance of an autograph?
00:27:48Yeah, no problem.
00:27:49I'll get you hers as well.
00:27:50Well, Dill, you don't think you might be being a little bit, well, ostentatious?
00:28:00Well, maybe, but I can afford it.
00:28:03Yeah, but, I mean, well, you know, the Hilton and all that.
00:28:07You don't think you're being a teensy-weensy bit over the top, do you?
00:28:11Because, I mean, she's an actress, isn't she?
00:28:13She's about to be cool and laid back.
00:28:17Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy.
00:28:19I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach.
00:28:25I have played the game before.
00:28:27I do know what I'm doing.
00:28:31Yeah, of course you do.
00:28:33Well, best of luck, eh?
00:28:35Cheers, bruv.
00:28:43Open the door for us, Rodney, will you?
00:28:47What's this?
00:29:19Hi.
00:29:31Is this a free world van?
00:29:33It was the last time I counted.
00:29:35I've never been in a free world van before.
00:29:37Well, and you have never lived, Nervous.
00:29:40It's a bit, um...
00:29:42What's the word?
00:29:44Smelly.
00:29:45That is the odour of honest toil and sweat, Nervous.
00:29:50So, where do you fancy going?
00:29:52I don't mind.
00:29:53Well, you just name your destination.
00:29:55I don't care.
00:29:56Well, so there's nowhere special?
00:29:58No.
00:29:59Anywhere.
00:30:01Well, shall we take in a movie?
00:30:03I don't fancy the pictures.
00:30:04Well, how about a drink?
00:30:06Nah.
00:30:07Pubs around here are horrible.
00:30:09Do you fancy an hamburger?
00:30:10I've just had my dinner.
00:30:12Well, where do you want to go, then?
00:30:14I don't mind.
00:30:15Anywhere else?
00:30:17No, that's cool, Nervous.
00:30:18We'll just cruise.
00:30:20What, in a free world van?
00:30:22Yes.
00:30:24This will be an experience you will never forget, Nervous.
00:30:30Cruise!
00:30:30It doesn't mind you, things are down.
00:30:34No, I'll get it.
00:30:35I'll get out right before it catches fire.
00:30:38Hello.
00:30:58Hello, love.
00:31:05Well, I mean, you're not Raquel, are you?
00:31:08I can be anyone you want me to be.
00:31:12What I mean is you're not an actress, are you?
00:31:14Well, I've played a few demanding roles in my time.
00:31:18There's a very nice little hotel round the corner.
00:31:21Why don't we go and discuss it there?
00:31:23No, sorry.
00:31:24It's all right.
00:31:24There's been a mistake.
00:31:25You know, it's my fault entirely.
00:31:27Sorry.
00:31:28Oh.
00:31:28You're one of those who just likes to talk, aren't you?
00:31:35No, no.
00:31:35There's been a mistake.
00:31:36A genuine mistake, right?
00:31:37I'm waiting for someone, and I thought that you...
00:31:40I'm beginning to lose my rag with you, sweetheart.
00:31:44Now, I'm going to count to ten, right?
00:31:46Then I'm going to shove these flowers right up your...
00:31:49You'll realise that will be extra.
00:32:01See you, darling.
00:32:05Go on.
00:32:12Come on, Jane!
00:32:14Put it!
00:32:15What's that?
00:32:19What's that funny, then?
00:32:25Swimming on that!
00:32:27Come on, Drape!
00:32:30Why are you frightened?
00:32:31Why, then, punks?
00:32:34No way.
00:32:35Why?
00:32:53Hello.
00:32:58Look, he nearly nicked one of your mates just now,
00:33:00so I'd have it away on your toes if I were you.
00:33:02Is it Derek?
00:33:06Raquel?
00:33:07Yes.
00:33:08Hi.
00:33:09Hi.
00:33:09Hello.
00:33:10Hello.
00:33:11I'm sorry.
00:33:11Sorry about that.
00:33:12No, no.
00:33:13I should apologise for being so late.
00:33:14Oh.
00:33:15You know what these trains are like.
00:33:16Oh, yeah.
00:33:17Have you been waiting long?
00:33:19Well, since about ten o'clock this morning.
00:33:22No, no.
00:33:23No, it's a joke.
00:33:23It's just a joke.
00:33:24Oh, sorry.
00:33:28These are for you.
00:33:31Pardon?
00:33:32Oh, we shouldn't have gone to all this expense.
00:33:36May we.
00:33:37May we.
00:33:40Well, um, I've booked a table at my most favourite restaurant,
00:33:43if that is all right with you.
00:33:44Oh, yes.
00:33:45Sounds lovely.
00:33:46Right.
00:33:46Well, your carriage awaits.
00:33:57This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?
00:34:00Do you reckon?
00:34:03That's my favourite film.
00:34:05Oh, yeah.
00:34:06Oh, yeah.
00:34:07And, er, yeah, and it's mine.
00:34:08Yeah, mine.
00:34:09Really?
00:34:10Yeah.
00:34:11My favourite bit is when the big spaceship comes down
00:34:15and all the little Martians come out.
00:34:18That's Close Encounters.
00:34:22Yeah, I love it.
00:34:29I always thought you were such a quiet person.
00:34:32I don't want you to go to watch, Neryx.
00:34:34But just now, you were so, well, tough.
00:34:37I'll get by.
00:34:41I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened.
00:34:45Those punks back here,
00:34:46they're used to people running scared from them.
00:34:48They don't scare me.
00:34:50This is my jungle.
00:34:52And I'm at the top of the tree.
00:35:03What's wrong, Lognay?
00:35:05Nothing.
00:35:07Why are we going so fast?
00:35:12I love speed.
00:35:13You said we were going to cruise.
00:35:15Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly.
00:35:28And, er, that's for what?
00:35:31Sorry about that.
00:35:35I had to get a message to a friend.
00:35:37That's OK.
00:35:44Well, go on, get stuck in.
00:35:46Don't wait for me.
00:35:47Oh, this is wonderful.
00:36:03Well, you can't go wrong here.
00:36:04I hope you don't mind me saying this, Radcol,
00:36:09but, well, I'm a bit surprised to find
00:36:11someone like you, you know, attractive and talented,
00:36:13you know, at a computer dating agency.
00:36:16Well, I might say the same about you.
00:36:18A successful person,
00:36:20managing director of his own import-export business.
00:36:23How did you go to me?
00:36:25Don't know, really.
00:36:26I suppose I was grabbing at straws, really.
00:36:31I've been married before,
00:36:33and that was a disaster.
00:36:34And I've had, you know,
00:36:36relationships with men,
00:36:37which have always ended unhappily.
00:36:39Maybe it's been the same for you.
00:36:41No, blokes don't do a lot for me.
00:36:42You know what I mean.
00:36:46I found I used to take my relationships seriously.
00:36:49Used to plan stupid things like that.
00:36:52But they were just playing a game.
00:36:54Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement,
00:36:56I thought, why not?
00:36:59At least I knew I'd been meeting someone
00:37:00who wanted me to be there.
00:37:02Was it the same for you?
00:37:04Oh, yeah, exactly, yeah.
00:37:05Now, I just thought, you know,
00:37:07that you'd be meeting lots of people,
00:37:08you know, on the film sets and that sort of thing.
00:37:11Look.
00:37:12I've got to be honest with you.
00:37:15The agency asked me what I did for a living,
00:37:17so I said I was an actress.
00:37:19Well, I suppose that's what I am.
00:37:20I'm a member of the union, at least.
00:37:23I had one line in a Doctor Who about ten years ago.
00:37:27I was a lizard person.
00:37:30Well, I've done fringe theatre,
00:37:32that sort of thing,
00:37:33but I never got the chance to make it.
00:37:36Well, I gave it all up for nine years
00:37:37while I was married.
00:37:39My husband was one of those old-fashioned types
00:37:41who thought there should only be one breadwinner.
00:37:43Yeah, my dad was like that.
00:37:45He used to get up at six every morning
00:37:46to make sure my mum got to work.
00:37:49No, straight up.
00:37:52Anyway,
00:37:53recently I've tried to pick up my career
00:37:55for what it was,
00:37:56but I can't see me ever doing anything.
00:37:58Au contraire, Raquel.
00:37:59Au contraire.
00:38:01This time next year, you'll be a star.
00:38:03Oh, come on.
00:38:04No, she who dares wins.
00:38:06That is my motto.
00:38:08No matter what's happened in our lives,
00:38:09I've always said that to my kid brother.
00:38:11I said,
00:38:11Rodney,
00:38:12I said,
00:38:12this time next year,
00:38:13we'd be millionaires.
00:38:14Look at you now.
00:38:17Yeah,
00:38:17look at me now.
00:38:19No,
00:38:20the secret is,
00:38:21if you want something bad enough,
00:38:22you'll get it.
00:38:22As long as you don't stop believing.
00:38:26This is nice.
00:38:28It's a lovely feeling of,
00:38:29I don't know,
00:38:31honesty.
00:38:34Yeah, well,
00:38:35it's what it's all about, isn't it?
00:38:38Mr Duval.
00:38:39Yes?
00:38:39I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir.
00:38:41There's an important call
00:38:42from your New York office.
00:38:43Oh, thank you very much, Charles.
00:38:45Sorry about this.
00:38:46Please, it's no problem.
00:38:52Charles,
00:38:53would you tell them I'm busy?
00:38:54Of course, sir.
00:38:55Please, don't do this for me.
00:38:57No, no,
00:38:57I'm enjoying the company.
00:38:58And I'm not going to have it spoiled
00:39:00by some soppy problem in New York.
00:39:04These Yanks
00:39:04are going to have to learn
00:39:05to make decisions for themselves.
00:39:08To success.
00:39:20What's your name?
00:39:24Mm.
00:39:25Mm.
00:39:26Mm.
00:39:27Mm.
00:39:27Thank you, John.
00:39:31When the agency phoned
00:39:32and mentioned you,
00:39:32I was really excited.
00:39:34They said you're a man of the arts.
00:39:36And it's not that often
00:39:36that you meet someone
00:39:37who's interested in the theatre.
00:39:38Oh, yeah, I love it.
00:39:40Going into a theatre
00:39:41is so exhilarating.
00:39:42Just the feel of the place.
00:39:44Mm.
00:39:45Gets me going and all.
00:39:47You can't whack a good play,
00:39:48can you?
00:39:48Did you see the RSC's production
00:39:51of Moliere's Le Misanthrope?
00:39:54No, I was out.
00:39:57Oh, out of the country?
00:39:59Yeah, oh, yeah, that's...
00:40:00Yeah, I was away on business.
00:40:01You missed something wonderful.
00:40:03Mm.
00:40:04Mm.
00:40:04Oh, no, I was gutted.
00:40:07The sort of play you like, then, is it?
00:40:10Not really.
00:40:11I like anything to do with entertainment.
00:40:14When I was a kid,
00:40:15my mum sent me to tap dancing lessons.
00:40:17I loved it.
00:40:19When I was about 17,
00:40:21another girl and me formed a pop duo.
00:40:23Double cream, we called ourselves.
00:40:25We were rotten.
00:40:26Mm.
00:40:26But that's what I mean.
00:40:28I like anything.
00:40:29Pop music to heavy drama.
00:40:31I don't know about you,
00:40:32but I just love the works of Shaw.
00:40:33Oh, yeah.
00:40:35Like a puppet on a street.
00:40:39You're just putting me on.
00:40:45Oh, thank you.
00:40:47Hold it.
00:40:52Mm.
00:40:55Mm.
00:41:05Mm.
00:41:05I've really enjoyed this afternoon.
00:41:07Oh, so I.
00:41:08Mm.
00:41:09Mm.
00:41:10Um.
00:41:11Do you fancy going out Saturday night?
00:41:14Saturday?
00:41:14Mm.
00:41:15No, I can't make Saturday.
00:41:17That's all right.
00:41:18Oh, you know, just for what I'd ask.
00:41:19Oh, no, let me explain.
00:41:20I'm always busy on Friday and Saturday nights
00:41:22at drama class.
00:41:24Oh, drama class.
00:41:27I teach.
00:41:28Oh, right.
00:41:28Um, mm.
00:41:29What about, um, well, about Monday night, then?
00:41:32I'd love to.
00:41:33Hm.
00:41:34Right.
00:41:34Yeah.
00:41:35Good.
00:41:36Well, wish I'd meet you, then.
00:41:38Why don't you come round the flat?
00:41:40Oh, yeah.
00:41:41OK.
00:41:42Actually, you don't have to worry about letting me into the flat.
00:41:44I'm not a pervo or anything like that.
00:41:46I figured that one out.
00:41:49Oh, mm.
00:41:50Mm.
00:41:51I feel terrible.
00:41:52I've kept you away from your business.
00:41:54Nah, that's all right.
00:41:55My brother handles things when I'm not there.
00:41:57I'm not a pervo or anything like that.
00:41:58I'm not a pervo.
00:41:58I'm not a pervo.
00:41:59I'm not a pervo.
00:41:59I'm not a pervo.
00:42:00I'm not a pervo.
00:42:00I'm not a pervo.
00:42:01I'm not a pervo.
00:42:02I'm not a pervo.
00:42:02I'm not a pervo.
00:42:03I'm not a pervo.
00:42:03I'm not a pervo.
00:42:04I'm not a pervo.
00:42:04I'm not a pervo.
00:42:05I'm not a pervo.
00:42:06I'm not a pervo.
00:42:06I'm not a pervo.
00:42:07I'm not a pervo.
00:42:07I'm not a pervo.
00:42:08I'm not a pervo.
00:42:08I'm not a pervo.
00:42:09Look at his number!
00:42:30I don't believe it.
00:42:32They only came with us yesterday.
00:42:34Look, he was going too fast.
00:42:37But there can't be too many yellow three-wheel vans round here.
00:42:40That's right.
00:42:41I'll get him.
00:42:42You see if I don't.
00:42:49You!
00:42:49All right.
00:42:53Don't ever do that again.
00:43:06What's wrong, Nellie's?
00:43:18Nellie's?
00:43:25Do you want some other brandy?
00:43:27No, no, I'm fine, thanks.
00:43:28I'm fine.
00:43:30Please, sit down.
00:43:31Oh, right.
00:43:32Here, listen, you didn't have to go and cook a meal and what have you.
00:43:36I said I was going to take you out with dinner.
00:43:37And I said it's my way of saying thank you for the other lunchtime.
00:43:41Well, it was really lovely.
00:43:43You know, thank you.
00:43:45Do you think your car will be all right out there?
00:43:48We get a lot of vandalism round here.
00:43:50Oh, yeah, that's why I didn't bring the car.
00:43:51I mean, you leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to.
00:43:55Oh, good.
00:43:56I said these flowers lasted well, weren't they?
00:44:05I'm not throwing them away.
00:44:07They're my memories of a lovely day.
00:44:18Do you want a coffee?
00:44:19Yes, please.
00:44:20Raquel?
00:44:27Mm-hmm?
00:44:30I like you.
00:44:34I like you.
00:44:36Good.
00:44:38Look at the state of this wall.
00:44:40Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?
00:44:43Yeah, listen, I wanted to ask you something.
00:44:47Adele?
00:44:50Wait a while, eh?
00:44:52See how we're feeling.
00:44:54No, no, no, not that.
00:44:56No, all blimey.
00:44:57No, no.
00:44:58No, it's just that I had this idea that I might help you
00:45:00and I just wanted to talk to you about it.
00:45:03You see, I've got a friend who's a mason.
00:45:08Oh, I don't need a mason.
00:45:09A plasterer can do that.
00:45:12No, no, no, no.
00:45:13I don't mean a stone mason.
00:45:14I mean a masonic mason.
00:45:16You know, it's...
00:45:18No, come in here, come in here.
00:45:19Let me talk to you about it.
00:45:19Come on, come on, put that down, leave it.
00:45:25Oh, sit down, sit down.
00:45:27Now, you're a talented actress, right?
00:45:31Says who?
00:45:32Says me, I can tell these things.
00:45:34But life has never given you a decent break.
00:45:36And it doesn't matter how clever you are,
00:45:38you can never prove yourself
00:45:39until someone gives you that break, right?
00:45:42Yeah.
00:45:44Right.
00:45:45Well, my friend's fellow mason is a television director, right?
00:45:51So if I become a mason,
00:45:53I can get him to give you that break.
00:45:56You know, it puts you in a show.
00:45:57But why would he do that?
00:45:59He doesn't even know me.
00:46:00No, no, he doesn't have to.
00:46:02You see, masons,
00:46:02they have to do favours for each other.
00:46:04You know, so he couldn't refuse to help me.
00:46:07But what favour would you do him?
00:46:09Well, I don't know,
00:46:09I'd drop him a monkey or something.
00:46:12Don't worry, he'd be as sweet as a nut.
00:46:14You'd actually join the masons just to help me?
00:46:17Oh, yeah.
00:46:19Oh.
00:46:23Well, I mean, it's no sweat, is it?
00:46:25I mean, you know, it's only the masons,
00:46:26it's not like the moonies or nothing.
00:46:30Now, they chuck a good dinner and dance and all, you know.
00:46:33But I'd be cheating, wouldn't I?
00:46:34No, of course you wouldn't be cheating.
00:46:36I'd do all that for you.
00:46:38No, I mean, I'd be using inside influence
00:46:40to further my career.
00:46:42Well, it's the name of the game, innit?
00:46:43It's who you know.
00:46:45I mean, you can't hang about for another three years
00:46:47waiting to be discovered.
00:46:48You've got to get in now before you pass your cell-by date.
00:46:52Thanks.
00:46:53No, no, no, you know what I mean, you know what I mean.
00:46:55I mean, this is your first opportunity.
00:46:59It could be your last.
00:47:01You've got to get in now while the going's good.
00:47:02She who dares wins.
00:47:06Well, I'll leave it up to you, Del,
00:47:10whatever you think best.
00:47:12All right.
00:47:13You do the coffee,
00:47:14and I'll do the bizzo.
00:47:19Do you think it'll work?
00:47:21Yeah, of course it will be a piece of cake.
00:47:23They've been begging me to join their lodge for years,
00:47:25but I've always given them a blank.
00:47:26Get out of there, Duke!
00:47:36Get out!
00:47:39Daddy will be cross!
00:47:41Maureen!
00:47:44That dog is in my aquarium again!
00:47:48I've told him to get out,
00:47:50but he don't take any notice!
00:47:52He'll take some bloody notice
00:47:54when I put Piranha in there!
00:47:57You're the master of the earth!
00:47:59You get him out!
00:48:00Hello, this is boy's face.
00:48:04Hello, Maureen.
00:48:05It's Del Boy.
00:48:05How are you, sweetheart?
00:48:06Oh, hello, Del.
00:48:08How's Trix?
00:48:09Never been better,
00:48:10as the old man about.
00:48:11Yeah, unfortunately.
00:48:12I'll get him for you.
00:48:14Oh, Del,
00:48:14when you're finished,
00:48:16don't put the receiver down.
00:48:17I want to have a word with you
00:48:18about Albert's birthday.
00:48:19Oh, God,
00:48:23it's this Friday, isn't it?
00:48:25Ah, um,
00:48:26Raquel?
00:48:27Listen, uh,
00:48:28we've got a bit of a celebration
00:48:30going on this Friday.
00:48:31Do you fancy it?
00:48:32Not Friday.
00:48:33I'm at drama class.
00:48:35Oh, yeah.
00:48:36I mean,
00:48:36couldn't you knock it on the head
00:48:37just for this week?
00:48:38Like, you know,
00:48:39I'd like you to meet my family.
00:48:41Oh, honest, I can't.
00:48:42We're in the final rehearsal.
00:48:44Anyway,
00:48:44I'm no good at meeting families.
00:48:46I always say something stupid.
00:48:47You haven't met my family.
00:48:54Hello.
00:48:55Hello, Boise.
00:48:56Del boy.
00:48:57Hello, Del.
00:48:58Yeah, listen.
00:48:59I want you to do me
00:49:00a very big favour.
00:49:02I want you
00:49:03to recommend me
00:49:04for membership
00:49:05to your Masonic lodge.
00:49:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:49:09What's the matter, Del?
00:49:10Someone slipped some angel dust
00:49:11in your pina colada?
00:49:13No, no, no, no.
00:49:15Only the most respected
00:49:16members of our society can join my lodge. You said they'd take anyone? Yeah, well, it wouldn't
00:49:22stretch to you. You'd be blackballed at the first go. Oh, leave it out, boss. You'd be a doddle. One
00:49:27of my best friends is a member. You. Oh. Oh, no, no, Dale, I couldn't possibly consider proposing
00:49:35someone like you. No, listen, Boise, I'd be a very good mason. You know, I can prove it. Masons are
00:49:41supposed to do each other favours, right? Well, you do me the favour of proposing me and I'll do one
00:49:46for you. And what might that be? I won't tell Marlene about that little bird in Sheffield.
00:49:54You wouldn't. Try me. No, no, no, Dale, no, you may be many things, but you are not a grass. I don't
00:50:03think we've got anything else to say to each other. Bye for now. Don't put that phone down. I want to
00:50:08talk to him about Albert's birthday. Dale, what do you think he'd be like for a present?
00:50:16Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Yeah, I do know that he does like a bit of fishing,
00:50:21right? And he was talking about getting himself a proper angler's knife. But it must be made
00:50:27of Sheffield steel. Sheffield? Give us that phone! Yes, Boise? Thank you, boys. Thank you. Bye.
00:50:43Thank you, boys.
00:50:49Bye, everyone.
00:50:52Bye, everyone.
00:50:59Bye, everyone.
00:51:02Bye, everyone.
00:51:07Bye.
00:51:09Bye.
00:51:10Look at that daft old twonk, look.
00:51:18Be grateful for small mercies.
00:51:20The Queen has two birthdays a year.
00:51:21That's true.
00:51:22Adele, you promised me, mate.
00:51:25What can I do, Michael?
00:51:26You've given him too much to drink, haven't you?
00:51:28He's started to slur his words now.
00:51:30He's almost offended some of the ladies.
00:51:32How do you mean?
00:51:33Well, he wanted a rum and black.
00:51:36He ordered a bum and rack.
00:51:38You want to cross your fingers he doesn't fancy a buck's fizz, Michael.
00:51:46So come then, tell us.
00:51:47What happened down at Boyce's Masonic Lodge last night, then?
00:51:49Oh, yeah.
00:51:51Well, let's go down and meet the committee members, you know,
00:51:53and try and make a good impression, you know what I mean?
00:51:54Yeah.
00:51:55So are you a mason then?
00:51:57No, no, no, no, not yet the committee.
00:51:59They're discussing me this evening.
00:52:01But as Boyce's said, there's always a chance that I could be blackballed.
00:52:05What's that?
00:52:06Part of the initiation ceremony?
00:52:08No, no, no, no, no.
00:52:10You see, each committee member has one white ball and one black ball.
00:52:16And for both, they have to put one of their balls in the bag.
00:52:21Snooker balls.
00:52:22Yes.
00:52:23Snooker.
00:52:24And when I empty the bag, if all the balls are white,
00:52:27well, that's it, that's all right, because it means you're in.
00:52:29If there's one black ball, just one, that's it.
00:52:31Right, you're out, you know.
00:52:33Are you doing all this for Raquel?
00:52:35Yeah.
00:52:36Yeah.
00:52:37No, yeah.
00:52:38She's worth it, Rodney.
00:52:39Oh, I can't wait to meet her.
00:52:41Is she coming down here tonight?
00:52:42No, no, she can't.
00:52:43She's rehearsing.
00:52:44Yeah?
00:52:44Yeah.
00:52:45What in?
00:52:46I don't know, a rehearsal room, I suppose.
00:52:49No, I mean, what play?
00:52:51Oh, I don't know, something, you know, deep and meaningful.
00:52:55Well, I don't know, Russian job, most probably.
00:52:57What, the ones we don't watch on BBC Two?
00:53:00Chekhov, that sort of stuff?
00:53:01No, no.
00:53:02Those are the ones I never used to watch,
00:53:04but in them days, you see, I wasn't esoteric.
00:53:06No?
00:53:09No, but, you know, Raquel's taught me what's what.
00:53:12Oh, yeah.
00:53:13I mean, you stick me in front of the telly
00:53:15with a Singapore sling and ham sandwich
00:53:16and a bit of Chekhov,
00:53:17and I'm as happy as a Sandboy.
00:53:20Well, she's...
00:53:21She's good news, Rodney.
00:53:22I mean, she really is.
00:53:23She's lovely, she's beautiful, she's talented.
00:53:27She's got a good pair of lungs on her, and all.
00:53:29Yeah?
00:53:32Yes, I mean, she's got a good singing voice.
00:53:34She's got a good voice, isn't she?
00:53:37A cross between our Kiri Tikwanama
00:53:39and a little touch of a Wip-Nu-Russe.
00:53:42Lovely.
00:53:44Oh, just want a doctor, all, then.
00:53:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:53:46It's Boise.
00:53:47Boise!
00:53:47Boise, over here!
00:53:48Over here!
00:53:50Sit yourself down, Boise.
00:53:54Have the committee come to a decision yet?
00:53:57Yes, Derek, and it is bad news.
00:54:00Well, it's bad news for you, at least.
00:54:02You were blackballed.
00:54:05Oh, no.
00:54:07Someone put a blackball in the bag?
00:54:09Who?
00:54:10When I emptied the bag, there was more than one blackball.
00:54:14Oh, no.
00:54:15Well, let's put it this way.
00:54:16Have you ever seen the bottom of a rabbit's hutch?
00:54:20I'm sorry, Derek.
00:54:22I did my best.
00:54:23What am I going to tell Raquel now?
00:54:31Oh, look, if she's as talented as you say she is,
00:54:34she don't need you bribing some television director.
00:54:37Her talent will win through.
00:54:38No, you're right, Rodney.
00:54:40No, you know, you're right.
00:54:42Yeah.
00:54:43No, she's going to be a star one day because she has got talent.
00:54:46All together now.
00:54:47She's more than you can say for that soppy old git.
00:54:50Oh!
00:54:50I've put the finger in the wolfpecker's hole and the wolfpecker's hole.
00:54:55Oh, yes, my dog.
00:54:57Take it out.
00:54:58Take it out.
00:55:00We've got it about removing.
00:55:02Oh, well, I've heard him.
00:55:04That is enough.
00:55:05Del, can't we chuck him in the back of the van and drive him home?
00:55:08Well, with that engine, you must be joking.
00:55:10It needed a walking frame to get down here tonight.
00:55:13Well, it was going all right the other day.
00:55:15Yeah, when was that?
00:55:16I thought that he'd find it.
00:55:17Some of his mates were following him.
00:55:19Oh, yeah?
00:55:20Well, yeah, but the engine was well lumpy then, Bill.
00:55:23Yeah, but it was going a fair old leg, though, wasn't it?
00:55:26Yeah.
00:55:27Well, yeah, but it was making a terrible noise.
00:55:29Yeah, well, right.
00:55:30What's this all about?
00:55:31Now, all together now.
00:55:33Oh!
00:55:34Albert Trotter.
00:55:37My shirt.
00:55:39Able seaman Albert Trotter.
00:55:41Late of her Majesty's ship, Peerless.
00:55:43Aye, sir?
00:55:45I'm placing you under arrest.
00:55:48They're only nicking him, look.
00:55:50What's going on?
00:55:52You'll be taken to the Naval Stockade, Portsmouth,
00:55:54where you will await court-martial.
00:55:56But why?
00:55:59Dereliction of duty.
00:56:01November 19th, 1941,
00:56:02while serving with the Royal Pacific Fleet,
00:56:05you did wantonly abandon your watch duties,
00:56:07thus causing the sinking of HMS Peerless
00:56:09and causing considerable damage
00:56:11to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh.
00:56:15But that was nearly 50 years ago.
00:56:17The original papers have only been discovered
00:56:19in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters, Singapore.
00:56:21I couldn't understand a radar.
00:56:25It was all blibs and blobs.
00:56:28Read the charges, Petty Officer.
00:56:29Aye, aye, sir.
00:56:30Able seaman Albert Trotter,
00:56:32you are hereby ordered by Her Majesty the Queen,
00:56:34by the High Lords of the Admiralty,
00:56:36and by all your friends and relatives
00:56:38to have a very happy birthday.
00:56:42I like to date.
00:56:44I like to date.
00:56:46I like to date.
00:56:48I like to date.
00:56:49I like to date.
00:56:51I like to date,
00:56:52I like to date.
00:56:53This is your birthday.
00:56:55You can't.
00:56:57That's not one of those stripper beds
00:56:58in the local paper.
00:57:00I've done him up like a kipper.
00:57:02Look at the old socks face.
00:57:03Do you know why I'll get you with this, you tariff?
00:57:06Raqqa!
00:57:08Raqqa!
00:57:12Raqqa!
00:57:13Raqqa!
00:57:15I like you!
00:57:16Hey!
00:57:25Raqqa!
00:57:27Raqqa!
00:57:29Raqqa, is this the actress you've been telling us so much about?
00:57:34What's not, Raquel?
00:57:45I see who you are doing!
00:58:04I see who you are doing!
00:58:29All right?
00:58:33Oddly enough, I am not all right.
00:58:40Look, Elle, don't get out of your pram over it.
00:58:43Don't get out of my pram.
00:58:45Don't get out of my pram.
00:58:47She just humiliated me in front of my friends.
00:58:50But you booked her.
00:58:51I did not book her.
00:58:53I booked a stripper gram.
00:58:55I did not know it was her because I did not know that she did that for a living.
00:58:59I thought she was an actress because that is what she said she was.
00:59:02Instead, she goes round pubs dressed in stockings and suspender belts,
00:59:07flashing her fructy bits at blokes.
00:59:09What's from worry about it, Elle?
00:59:11I don't think very many people noticed.
00:59:14Anyway, what about a few years ago when you used to go out with that bird Monique?
00:59:18Now, she used to go around in public wearing next to nothing on.
00:59:21She was a lifeguard.
00:59:24Well, yeah, all right.
00:59:25Del!
00:59:33Wait a minute!
00:59:36Look, I won't talk to him yet, love.
00:59:38Just leave him.
00:59:38He'll calm down in a year or two.
00:59:40You lied to me!
00:59:42No, I didn't!
00:59:44I never told you I wasn't a stripper!
00:59:48And anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black.
00:59:51I've just found out your name is Trotter.
00:59:53You told me you were called Derek Duval.
00:59:57Derek Duval.
01:00:00And you didn't tell me you were a market trader.
01:00:04And I suppose this is the Ferrari.
01:00:06All right.
01:00:12So I might occasionally tell the old porky or two.
01:00:16But I'll tell you something I don't do.
01:00:17I don't go round pubs dressed in stockings and suspenders, flashing my boobs at geysers.
01:00:22Do I, Rodney?
01:00:25No, he's never done anything.
01:00:26No, thank you.
01:00:29Oh, Del, please listen to me.
01:00:31I just do this a couple of evenings a week to pay for my drama lessons.
01:00:35I mean, where do you think I found the money to live on?
01:00:37Oh, I don't know.
01:00:38I thought you was living on the old rock and roll or something.
01:00:41No, I'm not on the dole.
01:00:42I pay for my own way in this world.
01:00:46I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living.
01:00:48This may come as a surprise to you, but I don't bloody like it either.
01:00:52Anyway, you said you wanted me to meet your family.
01:00:54Yes, but I meant with your bloody clothes on.
01:00:57I've got blackball for you.
01:00:59I'm sorry.
01:01:01But before you start moralising too much, just remember one thing.
01:01:04You booked me for this evening.
01:01:06I didn't know it would be you.
01:01:07Oh, so it'd be all right for you and your mates to leer and lust over a stranger?
01:01:10Yes.
01:01:12Oh.
01:01:13Oh, I don't know.
01:01:15Look, this is probably a daft question, but do you want to see me any more?
01:01:26Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart.
01:01:28Well, the next time I'll pay at the door like all the other punters.
01:01:32There was no need to say that to a deal.
01:01:48Oh, no, there wasn't.
01:01:54And I wish I hadn't.
01:01:57Like most things in my life, it's too bloody late.
01:02:03Oh, no, there was no naught to me.
01:02:04You know.
01:02:05Yes.
01:02:07I'm sorry.
01:02:09A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.
01:02:20LAUGHTER
01:02:35Fancy a bit of a walk, anyway.
01:02:50Is that true, then?
01:02:56It's what, sir?
01:02:58All these rumours I've been hearing about you falling in love with some stripper.
01:03:02Oh, leave it out, Sid. I wasn't in love with her. I was just, you know, knocking about with her, you know what I mean?
01:03:08That's what I thought. I told them. That old boy wouldn't get serious over some tart.
01:03:13No, of course not. I don't think I am. Some sort of wally.
01:03:17I've got a cup of tea, please, Sid.
01:03:20All right?
01:03:23Oh, what's up with you now?
01:03:27Is it the 175 quid repair bill for the van?
01:03:33Is it her?
01:03:35Her?
01:03:36Raquel.
01:03:39I've never known anyone called Raquel.
01:03:43Oh, right.
01:03:46Oi, you're coming down to Coaching Horses tonight? They've got a stri...
01:03:52Comedian, sorry.
01:03:55No, I don't think so, brother. I'll stay in and watch a bit of telly.
01:04:00It's one of them Chekhov plays on BBC Two.
01:04:04They're old cobblers.
01:04:05Raquel!
01:04:06What a lovely surprise.
01:04:15Look who's here, Del.
01:04:19You got time for a cup of tea?
01:04:20I don't know.
01:04:21Have I got time for a cup of tea?
01:04:22I don't know.
01:04:23Have I got time for a cup of tea?
01:04:24Oh, it's a free country.
01:04:25There you are.
01:04:26See, I told you he'd mellow after a bit.
01:04:27Well, I've got to go somewhere to...
01:04:28Well, I've got to go somewhere.
01:04:29You have my tea.
01:04:30You have my tea.
01:04:31Oi, Rodney!
01:04:32Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.
01:04:33What did you do to my marriage?
01:04:34She'd come in shaking like the leaf-white attitude she was.
01:04:35Well, I've got to go somewhere, too.
01:04:36Well, I've got to go somewhere to...
01:04:39Well, I've got to go somewhere.
01:04:42You have my tea.
01:04:43Yeah, have my tea.
01:04:51Oi, Rodney!
01:04:53Oh, hello, Mrs. Samson.
01:04:55What did you do to my nearest?
01:04:57She'd come in shaking like the leaf wire to chew she was.
01:05:00Well known, Mrs. Samson. It was some yokes.
01:05:03What sort of wig have you had?
01:05:06Blind, didn't you?
01:05:07Rotten.
01:05:09It's a tough old world, isn't it?
01:05:11Tougher than I ever imagined.
01:05:13I've, um, I've resigned from the stripper-gram agency.
01:05:19Oh, good.
01:05:20I've signed on a doll.
01:05:21It's a step up the ladder, isn't it?
01:05:25Why didn't you tell me what you did for a living?
01:05:27Why didn't you let me find out like that?
01:05:28You don't think I wanted you to find out in that way, do you?
01:05:32Look, that night I took a job to give birthday greetings
01:05:34to someone called Albert Trotter.
01:05:36It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter.
01:05:39Now, if I'd known your real name,
01:05:40I would have realised it was you and not taken the job.
01:05:43You still didn't tell me what you did for a living.
01:05:45I was hoping there'd be no need to.
01:05:48After I met you and I realised we were...
01:05:50coming close,
01:05:54I'd planned to pack the whole stripper-gram business in,
01:05:57then you'd have been none the wiser.
01:05:59Just didn't work out that way.
01:06:00I thought I knew you.
01:06:05Knew nothing.
01:06:08Your disguises and secrets.
01:06:12Sorry.
01:06:12I'm going on a tour.
01:06:18Yeah?
01:06:19But it's a mystery one.
01:06:21No, it's no mystery.
01:06:23An agent called me a couple of days ago.
01:06:24Could be helpful to my career.
01:06:26Oh.
01:06:27Custy.
01:06:28You won't have to worry about bumping into me.
01:06:31It's a tour of the Middle East.
01:06:32Middle East?
01:06:34Didn't know they went in for all that Uncle Vanya and run for your wife stuff.
01:06:38No, it's not a play.
01:06:39It's a review.
01:06:41Dancing, that sort of thing.
01:06:43Oh, use your noddle, Raquel.
01:06:46You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers.
01:06:50You'll end up as a hostess in some...
01:06:52topless dive in the Casbah.
01:06:55No, it's an official tour.
01:06:56All above board.
01:06:58Probably get kidnapped and then end up in a Harlem.
01:07:00That's what you want.
01:07:06It's not what I want.
01:07:07It's the next best thing.
01:07:11It's a shame the two of us couldn't have been more honest with each other.
01:07:14Look, I was straight with you.
01:07:17Oh, all right, all right.
01:07:18Sorry.
01:07:19I called myself Duval.
01:07:20Well, what's wrong with that?
01:07:21That's nothing, is it?
01:07:21I mean, it's just a joke.
01:07:23I didn't tell you any other lies.
01:07:25Help.
01:07:26What's he want?
01:07:27Maybe it's another call from your New York office.
01:07:50Del, I just want to say thanks.
01:07:54What for?
01:07:55For lots of things.
01:07:57For being the only man I've ever met who wanted me to keep my clothes on.
01:08:02For getting yourself blackboard for me.
01:08:06For giving me back some self-esteem.
01:08:09I used to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, oh, you again.
01:08:15After I met you, I used to wake up and think, great.
01:08:19Another day.
01:08:21You're going to be somebody.
01:08:23This time next year, I'll be famous.
01:08:25Thanks for that.
01:08:37Raquel.
01:08:40Would you like a piece of my fried bread?
01:08:42When are you leaving?
01:08:55Tomorrow afternoon.
01:08:56I've got a cab coming at 12.
01:08:59It's taking me to Waterloo Station.
01:09:02It's ironic, isn't it?
01:09:03It doesn't have to be the end.
01:09:09We could still go on seeing each other.
01:09:12Yeah, I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show.
01:09:15I mean, I don't have to go.
01:09:18You said you'd already agreed to it.
01:09:20If I'm not there, I'm not there.
01:09:22They'll have to find a replacement.
01:09:24It shouldn't be that difficult.
01:09:25Thousands of girls are begging for a chance like this.
01:09:31I don't know what to say, sweetheart.
01:09:35Just take me a bit by surprise.
01:09:36I've done all my thinking, and I know what I want.
01:09:41If you want me to stay, then I will.
01:09:44And I'm not talking about any heavy commitment like marriage or even living together.
01:09:49We could just be there for each other.
01:09:54Think about it, won't you?
01:09:57Yeah, of course I will.
01:09:58If you like the idea, just be at my flat tomorrow.
01:10:04If not, I'll understand.
01:10:09Yeah, I just need a bit of time, that's all.
01:10:16Okay.
01:10:19Thanks for the fried bread.
01:10:22I'll see you.
01:10:25Maybe.
01:10:28You've got to be honest, Rodney.
01:10:44It was funny at the time, mate.
01:10:46Yeah, well, Del didn't seem to think so.
01:10:48No, well, he wouldn't, would he?
01:10:52Del's been taking it all very well, as it happens.
01:10:54Yeah, well, we'll have to take your word for that, Rodney.
01:10:56Because he ain't been in here since.
01:10:57Yeah, well, he had a bit of thinking to do last night.
01:11:00He's got a sort of decision to make.
01:11:02What's that?
01:11:02Well, it's just paying the bill for the stripper crown agency.
01:11:06Mike, you're getting banged out of order on me.
01:11:17Morning, all.
01:11:18Same again for Rodney.
01:11:20Singapore sling for me.
01:11:22Small rum for Elton John over there.
01:11:24Better take one for yourself, Michael.
01:11:27Cheers, Del.
01:11:32So?
01:11:34What are you doing?
01:11:34Well, I've been thinking about her all night last night, Rodney.
01:11:40She's had a tough old life, you know.
01:11:42Her old man was a right rough house.
01:11:43All the other blokes that she's known before that were no better.
01:11:46You know, she's had nothing but bad luck.
01:11:49Then she met me.
01:11:53Bloody hell, life's a bitch.
01:11:54Well, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant.
01:12:06Yeah, of course.
01:12:07I mean, you know, I've always been bad luck to William.
01:12:11No, you ain't.
01:12:12No, I have, I have.
01:12:13Thanks, bro.
01:12:14I was thinking back last night to all the birds that I've known, you know.
01:12:19Yeah.
01:12:20I've brought them all nothing but bad luck.
01:12:24I'm a bit like that little Joe.
01:12:29Little Joe?
01:12:30Yeah, you know, in Bonanza, little Joe.
01:12:33You ain't, Del.
01:12:34You're nothing like him.
01:12:35No, not in looks.
01:12:38I mean, he's an ugly-looking git.
01:12:41No, but I mean, you know, whenever you watch an episode of Bonanza, you know,
01:12:44and that little Joe falls in love with a woman,
01:12:47you know she is gonna die.
01:12:50I mean, as soon as he starts strongin' it with a salt,
01:12:53you can guarantee that she's either gonna catch the fever,
01:12:57get trampled underfoot in a stampede,
01:12:58or the Indians are gonna have her.
01:13:02That's not gonna happen to Raquel.
01:13:06No, no one.
01:13:07No, I thought about it last night.
01:13:09I thought, I thought to myself,
01:13:10whatever happens,
01:13:12Raquel is not gonna end up full of arrows.
01:13:16All I do, I came round here,
01:13:17I thought I'd give myself a couple of quick liveners,
01:13:19and then I'm gonna go round to her flat.
01:13:21Yeah, well done, Del.
01:13:22You stuck what the others think, eh?
01:13:24That's right, bro, that's right.
01:13:26Thank you, Rodney.
01:13:27You stuck by me.
01:13:28You're a diamond.
01:13:29Oh, get off, will you?
01:13:30No, no, you are.
01:13:32No, I'll never forget that.
01:13:35You did laugh at the time, though, didn't you?
01:13:36Yeah, but I didn't laugh at the time, no.
01:13:40So, this is all serious stuff, eh?
01:13:42Hmm?
01:13:42Well, no, no, I mean, you're not, no.
01:13:44Talking about marriage and nothing like that,
01:13:46not even talking about living together,
01:13:47it's just that...
01:13:48No, well, just...
01:13:50just gonna be there for each other.
01:13:55Cheers.
01:13:56Cheers, Rodney.
01:13:58All the best, then.
01:13:59Cheers.
01:14:10You can imagine how I felt, can't you?
01:14:12I felt like a right dipstick.
01:14:14Listen, Del, I know we all had a laugh at you,
01:14:16but no offences to that, mate.
01:14:17It's all right, Mike, none take it.
01:14:19It's all forgotten about now, all right?
01:14:21I thought Albert took it well,
01:14:22although he did threaten to get even with you.
01:14:24Oh, yeah, well, Del ain't eating a thing
01:14:26Albert's cooked ever since.
01:14:29You're talking about Albert,
01:14:30take that rum over for him, will you, Rudney?
01:14:31Yeah.
01:14:34Mmm.
01:14:35What's the time?
01:14:35Look at the time.
01:14:36I'm supposed to be around Rat Girls by noon.
01:14:38Yeah, give her my love, won't you, Del,
01:14:39and tell her to pop in for a drink one night, eh?
01:14:41Yeah, I will watch, yeah, see you.
01:14:42There you go, Albert.
01:14:45So as he reached the decision...
01:14:46Yeah, he's going round to her flat in a minute.
01:14:49Oh, God.
01:14:50She wouldn't have been at me
01:14:52touring round the Middle East.
01:14:53I never liked it over there.
01:14:56Did I tell you about that time I was in Cairo?
01:14:58Yes, you must have, Albert.
01:15:00You must have.
01:15:05Oh, God.
01:15:08What's up, Rodney?
01:15:09I've got to go, right?
01:15:10I've got a gun.
01:15:14Blum, you want to clean your pipes out a bit, Mike?
01:15:18Come right through in there, yes?
01:15:21Anyway, listen, I must be off.
01:15:22I'll see you.
01:15:23Cheers, though.
01:15:24Ta-ta.
01:15:24Is your name Trotter?
01:15:28Yes, that's my name.
01:15:29That's me, yes.
01:15:30Is that your yellow van out there?
01:15:32What, the one with Trotter written on the side?
01:15:35Yes, that's mine.
01:15:36Well, a couple of weeks ago,
01:15:38a yellow three-wheel van very similar to yours
01:15:40shot the light between Lewisham Hill and Woodford Lane.
01:15:44We're in the process of questioning the owners of all such vehicles.
01:15:47Oh, well, look, no further, officers.
01:15:51It was me.
01:15:53It's a fair cop.
01:15:53Well, I've done it.
01:16:03You disappoint me, Uncle.
01:16:06Mr. Trotter.
01:16:07Yes?
01:16:08Either you're not taking this very seriously,
01:16:10or you don't understand the full implications of your last statement.
01:16:15Look, come on, darling.
01:16:16Look, I'm a bit pushed for time,
01:16:18so, you know, can we get on with it?
01:16:19What do you mean?
01:16:20Well, you know what I mean.
01:16:21Come on, hurry up.
01:16:22Come on, get them off.
01:16:23Come on.
01:16:37I would have thought you would have come up with something a bit more riddle than that, Uncle.
01:16:41It's got nothing to do with me, son.
01:16:43It wasn't anything to do with you.
01:16:45If...
01:16:46What?
01:16:50Oh, my God.
01:16:52Nick him.
01:16:54I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China
01:17:01or to myself.
01:17:06No.
01:17:07No, please.
01:17:08Please, I've got to meet someone at noon.
01:17:09Please.
01:17:10I've got to meet someone at noon.
01:17:11Oh, they're sorry.
01:17:12A very nice man, and I'm sure you two will get on like a house on fire.
01:17:15Oh, my God.
01:17:18Leave all your lovers.
01:17:21Leave all your lovers.
01:17:22We go far away short.
01:17:25Look.
01:17:26Look, can you take me round to Harrington Road?
01:17:28I've got to meet someone.
01:17:29He's left here.
01:17:30Yeah.
01:17:30If you could just go, if you...
01:17:32Oh, thanks very much.
01:17:35Ow.
01:17:35I know you don't believe me, but can I at least use your phone?
01:17:53Did I have one phone call?
01:17:55Thanks.
01:17:55What's the time?
01:17:5620 to 1.
01:17:57Oh, terrific.
01:17:59You don't know the code for Addis Ababa, do you?