- 2 days ago
Impractical Jokers Season 12 Episode 3
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Warning! The following program contains scenes of graphic stupidity among lifelong friends who compete to embarrass each other.
00:07Let's just get this started.
00:15Are you kidding me?
00:18Today we're at Brewery Recording Studio posing as voiceover artists recording audio for a brand new video game.
00:33But there is no brand new video game because it's all just a big charade to pair us with another voiceover actor.
00:39The goal is to do and say whatever the other guys tell you to. If you refuse, you lose.
00:45You play piping hot jazz?
00:52Here we go.
00:53Sal is a voiceover artist. He does special effects, sound effects, whatever.
00:57And Joan Berger is playing the sound engineer.
01:00You guys can hear me all right?
01:01Yes, can hear you.
01:02Sal, we're going to have you do, let's try 31.
01:04You're going to do those directions, you know, as a cholep.
01:09Extra, extra, read all about it.
01:12No, more cholep.
01:15Do everything super cholep.
01:19Hey, you're awesome.
01:22Keep going, hey.
01:24Sassy woman to cholep.
01:26How do you feel about doing a sassy woman to cholep?
01:29Ew, dude, with your cousin?
01:34The scrolls.
01:37One more.
01:39Come on now, sugar pot.
01:41You ain't just good.
01:42You is spectacular.
01:44Hey, let's take it from Tavern Night.
01:48Yep.
01:49Go from sassy to cholo in stage directions.
01:52Oh, get it out. Get it out.
01:55Stop moving.
01:56NPC jams on an enchanted scalpel into NPC's one belly.
02:00NPC one dies violently.
02:06I love it.
02:07Sal, would you mind doing a death noise for us real quick?
02:10We do need like a male death sound.
02:12This is an action game.
02:13You would shot by an arrow.
02:14Okay.
02:15Sal, just stop grabbing random props off the table and using them in your death scene.
02:31I don't know, guys. I'm so sorry. I don't feel comfortable.
02:58That was really great. Thank you. You committed.
03:02I gotta say we had it in like the first 30 seconds.
03:04Okay, that's great.
03:05Why don't we move on to the dialogue.
03:07You have this interior tavern night scene.
03:09Okay.
03:10Just your lines.
03:11Sal, give her advice. Tell her to go bigger as she's going.
03:13Have a seat, my friend.
03:15Have a seat, my friend.
03:18How is it out there?
03:21How is it out there?
03:24How is it out there?
03:26Sorry, Sal, do you mind just not giving me direction?
03:29I'm trying to focus.
03:30I'm so sorry.
03:31I have to say, you're doing fantastic, Tasman.
03:34Sorry.
03:35Face the wall.
03:36Just face the wall.
03:37Go to the corner like Blair Witch and face the wall.
03:39How is it out there?
03:41You put your head against the wall.
03:43How is it out there?
03:46How is it out there?
03:48Bang your head slowly.
03:50Please.
03:51Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
03:54I'll have a mental breakdown.
03:57Get it out!
03:58Get it out!
03:59Stupid, stupid, stupid.
04:03Do you hear that?
04:04You're picking up, is someone saying something in there?
04:06I think Sal might be making a noise.
04:09So stupid.
04:15Here you go, Q.
04:16I don't even know what this is like.
04:18Yeah, I'm not exactly, didn't get a script or anything.
04:20Yeah, it's a video game.
04:22That's really all you need to know.
04:23All right.
04:24Marisa, we're going to start with you.
04:25Just say, go north, go south, go east, go west.
04:29Go north.
04:30Go south.
04:31This guy's really good.
04:32Go east.
04:33Q, start to say, do me a favor.
04:35Do me a favor.
04:36Find a bridge.
04:37Find a bridge.
04:38Shoot yourself in the head and fall to your death.
04:41Shoot yourself in the head and fall to your death.
04:44Because you are amazing at voiceover.
04:46Because you are amazing.
04:47Oh.
04:48You are amazing.
04:49Really?
04:50Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:51You're good.
04:52Seriously, go find a bridge.
04:53Shoot yourself in the face and fall to your death.
04:56You're that good.
04:57It's okay.
04:58Yeah, that's cool.
04:59Brian?
05:00Yep.
05:01Do the directions now.
05:02You got it.
05:03Any chance this is that new Superman?
05:05Is there any chance this is that new Superman game I've been hearing about?
05:10I'm not at liberty to say.
05:11Because if it's a Superman game, that will affect my performance in a very positive way.
05:16Just try and keep it professional.
05:18Go north.
05:19Keep slipping in Superman.
05:21Go east.
05:22He went that way, Superman.
05:25Superman flew east.
05:27We don't know if it's Superman.
05:28You don't need to do Superman.
05:29Okay.
05:30Go north.
05:32Go northwest.
05:34Superman.
05:35Wait for a compliment back.
05:40Nice.
05:41Q just go, should I shoot myself on a bridge?
05:46Should I shoot myself on a bridge?
05:48Hmm?
05:49Should I shoot myself in the face on a bridge?
05:51Yeah.
05:52Yeah.
05:53That's so good.
05:54Brian?
05:55You can stop.
05:56That's great.
05:57Hey, Joe, I don't have to yet.
05:58Hey, Joe?
05:59Yeah.
06:00I don't have to yet.
06:01But when I have to use the bathroom, should I just stay in here to use the piss bottle?
06:03If I have to go to the bathroom, do you just want me to stay in here and use a bottle?
06:09I can use the piss bottle.
06:10I can use the piss bottle.
06:12You can use the bathroom.
06:14That's why we have it.
06:15All right.
06:16Q, I'm going to use the piss bottle.
06:17I'm going to use the piss bottle.
06:18What do you got there?
06:19Don't use the piss bottle?
06:20Don't use the piss bottle.
06:22We're going to move on to the script.
06:25Q, you catch his breath yet?
06:28Did you catch his breath yet?
06:30His breath?
06:31No.
06:32I can hear you guys talking about my breath.
06:34Yeah.
06:35Joe, can you go back into that room, pull Q on the side and dress him down?
06:38Here we go.
06:39Watch this guy.
06:40Watch this guy at work.
06:41Hope he doesn't breathe on me.
06:42I actually didn't notice that.
06:44Okay.
06:45You're doing great.
06:46I just want to talk to Brian for a second here.
06:47Yeah.
06:48Like, whisper shout at him.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Can you please keep this professional?
06:51Yeah.
06:52I know.
06:53And I will admit that I am antagonizing you to some degree.
06:56It's completely unnecessary.
06:57Yeah.
06:58Wasting our time.
06:59It's like a fart.
07:00Took a shit in your mouth.
07:02Do you want to get a drink after work?
07:03No, I'm not interested, man.
07:05Let's get through this guy.
07:06No, all right.
07:07Let's get through it.
07:08Come on.
07:09Let's get up a drink after work and sort this out.
07:10Uninterested.
07:13You guys hear me?
07:14Yeah, I hear you.
07:15We're going to do like a dialogue scene.
07:17Here we go, babe.
07:1825 freaking gold pieces to get through the Holland Tunnel now?
07:2225?
07:23You believe the scrap?
07:24What'd you expect?
07:25Ridge trolls don't exactly live cheap.
07:26Murr, crumple up the paper and say,
07:28I'm sorry, I'm off book actually.
07:29They know we got no choice.
07:31I'm off book already.
07:32Just memorize it.
07:33I'm ready.
07:34Let's do it.
07:35I'm sorry, you said you're off book, James?
07:36I can speed read and I have a photographic memory.
07:39Combine those two skills.
07:41Off book.
07:42Murr, I'm going to feed you the lines.
07:43There's really no need to do this, but that's great.
07:45Okay.
07:46I'll tell you why you do it.
07:47Mateo, you're NPC1?
07:50I told him I'd shove my toolbox up his ass if he didn't let him through.
07:54Good luck with that.
07:55Good luck with that.
07:56Don't call me when you need bail money.
07:57Don't call me when you need bail money.
07:59Off book.
08:02That's impressive there.
08:03I memorized both lines.
08:05What I do is I memorize everything, your lines and my lines.
08:08I can see the whole thing.
08:09If you're tired, I can do both lines.
08:10If you're tired, I can do both lines.
08:12I actually, thank you for that.
08:14I got to see this.
08:15Okay, sure.
08:16Let me know when you're ready.
08:20Action.
08:21Action.
08:26Go ahead, pal.
08:33You confident asshole.
08:35You overconfident asshole.
08:37Line.
08:38Why don't we just move on to the folly stuff.
08:40Can you do like a horse clomping?
08:41Can you give me like a horse?
08:42Okay.
08:43Murr, you got to slap your bald head as horse galloping noises.
08:48No problem.
08:49At home.
08:50Close your eyes.
08:51Just picture a scallion in a field.
08:54That was great.
08:56Now you've shifted gears to folly.
08:57I'm gonna let you do your folly work.
08:58Okay.
08:59Murr, legitimately try and folly this scene.
09:01Uh, we are rolling whenever you're ready.
09:02Action.
09:03I'm not sure what that is.
09:04What is that exactly you're doing?
09:05Murr, say someone's breaking pasta.
09:06It's the sound of someone bringing pasta.
09:07That was it.
09:08That was great.
09:09That was great, thank you.
09:10Now you've shifted gears to folly.
09:11I'm gonna let you do your folly work.
09:13Okay.
09:14Murr, legitimately try and folly this scene.
09:16Uh, we are rolling whenever you're ready.
09:18Action.
09:23I'm not sure what that is.
09:25What is that exactly what you're doing here?
09:27Murr, say someone's breaking pasta.
09:30It's some, uh, it's the sound of someone breaking pasta.
09:34you know what i think we're gonna do is just finish with a string of wild lines like the
09:40ones we started with okay uh why don't we start with number 20 beware when the cold wind blows
09:46mark as he's doing these just start inching closer and closer to his microphone you must have x-ray
09:52beware when the cold wind blows mark as he's doing these just start inching closer and closer
10:03to his microphone danger is near jeez did somebody crack a rat dude you must have x-ray vision
10:13happy saint guinevere's name my lady closer get your mouth on his mic and i watched
10:21the dragon killed my family and i watched murk now will you be able to add emotion in poster
10:29will his lines just sound flat forever it's breathing fire
10:32will will you be able in post can you just cut me out if that's
10:40he's great that's it idiot the only thing mer recorded was a loss making him first up on the
10:49loser board what the heck oh today we're at the american dream mall playing concerns dads
10:54that just got a distressing note from our kids school we'll have to read the note out loud and
10:59then get a fellow mall goer to give us feedback on our very aggressive response which has already
11:04been written by the other guys now if that person tells you that that email is inappropriate to send
11:08as is you lose i'm sending it don't oh
11:12excuse me are you a parent can i run something by you oh it sells it sells it here we go i got an email
11:23from my kid's school here we go brianna had difficulty following rules today and we asked her to spend
11:28three minutes by herself in our corner of quiet reflection i i know i know my kid and she doesn't
11:35she doesn't she wouldn't do anything that would deserve that she just wouldn't could i run my
11:40response by you sure yeah here we go okay hi miss lindau i assume you use miss because you're afraid
11:50to say whether you're married or not let me guess not let me make one thing clear brianna is a
12:00angel i know the rest of the class maybe cattle like yourself who would just love to run helter
12:10skelter through a classroom having food fights and ripping the wallpaper down and pissing on it
12:16but not my baby and then in all caps never do what you have done again
12:22thoughts on that i mean who makes a kid have quiet reflection like that
12:31sounds like he's on the side of uh miss lindau i feel like she's a little tough on brianna
12:44we don't make her reflect at home we don't make her reflect at home so do you think that this would
12:51be good to send uh no no gotta go all right
12:57all right q open up that email from the school principal excuse me sir can i get your opinion
13:06on something do you have kids i got an email for my kid's school so this is what i got today
13:12dear mr beagle that's me the more things change the more they stay the same your son kevin was given
13:19detention today for putting for putting gum in selena demonico's hair as i recall i gave you
13:27detention for doing the same thing over 30 years ago please explain to your son that this is unacceptable
13:33behavior as i taught you with god's love sister cummings okay this this woman has been the bane of my
13:41existence since i was in high school and now she's giving it to my son kevin so this is a response i want
13:46to write i want to send back so can i just get your opinion it's quick okay sister how the holy
13:52are you still alive you were an ancient dusty clap trap of a human 30 years ago what's keeping you alive
14:01hatred of children i took that girl i gummed up to the prom this is true and guess what we sinned
14:09we sinned long and hard i guess you failed in your mission to teach the youth to be good
14:18what does that feel like you despicable penguin revenge is a bitch ain't it you'll give kevin
14:25detention over my dead body speaking of dead bodies see you soon at your funeral which i will attend
14:32hail satan anthony gunk this woman has been the bane of my existence for 30 something years
14:40is that okay to send here we go
14:43see you soon at your funeral which i will attend hail satan anthony gunk is that okay to send
14:55you think i should take out the fact that i banged on prom night or the hail satan or her dead body
15:04yeah just just rethinking okay just just rethinking all right very good thank you
15:09come on excuse me did you have kids bud here we go he's in do you mind if i ask your advice on this
15:18and i got a i just got an email from my kid's principal of school and i'm thinking of writing
15:23the principal back i'm not sure if my response is too overheated or you tell me okay she says to me
15:28she goes nicholas threw a wet paper towel at the blackboard today which frightened miss scrabbus
15:34and disrupted class we asked him to submit an essay explaining why what he did was inappropriate
15:41i don't know about you when i was in school we threw spitballs all the time right it's not a big
15:45deal kids do it you know i'm saying it's a different world i know but it's not the way i was raised man
15:51so i thought i'd write the principal back here's what i'm thinking of sending
15:55i say that's simply impossible nicholas knows that when he misbehaves daddy goes away
16:02and mr kumi comes out mr kumi crawls on all fours and speaks in a deep southern drawl
16:08why southern don't do that no you know i use that to threaten my kids you know it's like a character
16:15i play almost like a creature in the that crawls down the stairs backwards you know that it's like
16:21that but with southern drawl just gonna exit us escalate it i mean at least give me the southern
16:26drawl i don't know it's up to you but i would uh just apologize and said no i'm sorry for
16:34disrupting the glass so what you're saying is i shouldn't tell the principal about the southern
16:40demon i play to scare my children those are the kind of things that will send both you and your son
16:47to the therapy marcy i do declare then scuttle off on all fours
16:53yeah so you're saying the email is not ready to send well i do declare scuse me
17:03all right
17:09the apple didn't fall far from the tree myrrh is tonight's big loser
17:17okay mur is our big loser and today we're doing things a little different for your punishment
17:24we are going to actually pamper you a little bit with a lovely facial okay that's right so this is
17:31rose our nurse practitioner hi rose nice to meet you she will be micro needling your stupid face
17:35and that is a process whereby she will jab your face with a needle thousands of times
17:39it's very painful is it yes i don't worry about it buddy i'm sure once the facial's over that'll
17:44be the end of your punishment sure take it away rose all right you're gonna start your forehead
17:50okay ow ow ow ow that freaking hurts
17:54that should be good yeah we'll call it right about here yeah i think that's good okay yeah
18:01what does it look like so much better better is it better here you go pal check that out
18:06yeah that's you wait wait yeah you gotta finish the vase no no that would be less funny
18:12the event started yeah yeah yeah we're gonna stop right here wait wait we're stopping at the
18:17halfway part because the event's about to start for real i just go out now yeah what are we walking
18:23into the event come on harvey dent we gotta get going so here's the deal we are at a firehouse
18:29today he has no idea what this is about what he's saying who he is nothing he's going to walk out
18:34completely cold to these people okay we're ready to get up to our next speaker uh james are you ready
18:40we're ready to get up to our next speaker who will be speaking about fireworks and fireworks safety
18:55uh james are you ready here we go
18:58hi everybody all right reach into your pocket grab a note read the note from your pocket out loud buddy
19:09okay uh hi everybody uh i'm here today with the insistence of the state of new york
19:16to share with you the dangers of fireworks so your children don't make the same mistakes
19:22i did
19:24you can take or leave this court order so here we go fireworks are illegal to buy sell and use
19:33in the state of new york i have to say these things i have to say these things you understand
19:38dan cast cough and shake your head no what okay moving on this part is from me
19:47so cautionary tale i wrote this part it's about me my story let's get through it together folks
19:51i have to say this by court order i have to tell you about my story and how i ended up here
20:00uh star i started selling w's you know works out of my parents basement when i was 13
20:08by 16 i was dealing roman candles bottle rockets booty chasers you see my uncle was a cop see my
20:17uncle's cop you see he used to confiscate people's fireworks he used to he used to like confiscate
20:21people's fireworks then i'd take it from him and sell them i'd take it from him and sell it right back
20:24to the neighborhood it was like let's keep it going anyways it was cool as shit uh in jersey they call
20:32those peach bum chasers let's move on moving on so some mistakes i have made along the way uh i
20:43stopped using a beeper as my mode of communication with neighborhoods kids or referrals uh cell phones
20:49were invented and i started using those mistake the government just loves to find new ways to
20:55encroach upon our freedoms and cell phones help them and cell phones help them not you if if
21:02any questions about pagers
21:06so another mistake i made my girlfriend now my wife moved into the basement with me she had access
21:16to the garage and she wanted to sell her candles out of there at first i was like no way but then
21:24she kept on it so she would sell her candles on tuesdays and thursdays and i would go dark those
21:30days mind you my business is seasoning maybe i squeeze some extra spring fall weeks in there
21:37but come the dog days of winter you can sell a cherry bomb to an arsonist i'd like to see you try lol
21:44i'd make anywhere from 75 to 150 a day profit so let's say average is 112 50 a day profit so
21:54112 50 times 32 days that she sold equals 3600 that i lost in that amount of time that particular season
22:01i needed to make up that money so i started selling willy-nilly to even the kids that i knew
22:12had strict parents and i got reported because this one kid's dad was a retired parking enforcement
22:18officer meter maid and that's when i blew up my operation figuratively and actually
22:24next slide
22:25had mid-sized explosion in garage in 2019 hence my face
22:33that's when jared the meter maid reported me it's fine it's for the better i still talk to his son
22:42for real i have not sold any fireworks since then you hear that dan you hear that
22:53i sell candles now too with my wife who is also ordered to assist me with these cool teachings
22:59my wife will now pass out pamphlets from the city okay here comes your wife your wife is being played
23:08by johnna our producer and writer hi let's get a look at john who's also been severely and horribly burned
23:22click the next one mark
23:26that is my obligatory court ordered presentation sick fireworks huh
23:32myra take out that sparkler we gave you i'm sorry i knew i'd put it somewhere i like to end with a bang
23:45dan do me a favor go go put that out for us
23:47come on we can't have this eight months three weeks to go and walk out eight months three weeks to go
23:58let's go
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