Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
Rapid Reel
  • 2 days ago
Impractical Jokers Season 12 Episode 1
Transcript
00:00Warning the following program contains scenes of graphic stupidity among lifelong friends who compete to embarrass each other
00:13Let's just get this started
00:15You're kidding me
00:27Today we're posing as maintenance workers in an office building doing repairs inside this HVAC vent
00:33That's right an attempt worker will be in the adjacent room and the only way we can communicate with them is through a small vent in the wall
00:39While working in the wall, we're gonna have to do and say whatever the other guys tell us to and if you refuse
00:45You lose
00:51Okay, so Murray is an event. We built this whole entire room out today, which is amazing. Oh, oh, I hear somebody
00:57Yeah, if you want to just grab a spot here. Here we go
01:09I don't want to scare you. I won't be banging along. Okay, don't worry about me. Oh, sorry
01:15Yeah, you know, but at some point I want to introduce yourself and stick your finger through the vents to shake her hand
01:20What's your name?
01:22Christy. Hi, I'm James. How are you?
01:24I'm good. Thank you.
01:26Here, here, here, here. Nice to meet you.
01:28Nice to see you. Nice to see you.
01:32She shook his finger
01:36All right, Murray, lunch is getting delivered to you. Surprise. Got an order for James?
01:39Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey
01:4023.92 in the vent is how you're gonna pay for it. It's a lot of singles in there. I want you to pay one by one
01:46Uh, here you go, buddy. I got it. I got it
01:55Yeah, just 20.92
02:00Uh, 92 cents
02:02Okay, hold on
02:05You got it? You know what? Sure
02:08Hey, thanks, man
02:10Oh, tip! Oh my god, I forgot to tip the guy. Christine, do we, can you do me a favor real quick?
02:15Can you catch him before he gets to the elevator? Here, here, here, here, here, here, come here, come here
02:20Here, just tip him real quick. Wait, wait, I got more. I got, I give him a five dollars. Here you go, Christine
02:27There's one and then tell him I forgot, uh, my apologies for getting the tip
02:30Did you catch him? Yeah. Oh, thank god. She hates you
02:38In a second, I just want you to go, oh, my soup
02:43Oh, my soup! Well, there is a straw and it could be feasible, Murray, that she could feed you your own soup through that vent in that straw
02:52Oh, hey, Christine, could I ask a favor? What? Uh, could you grab the soup out of the bag for me if you don't mind?
03:00Yeah, you can take it out. Okay, okay. Can you just open the lid for me real quick?
03:07I can't believe she's doing this. Oh, you're the best. Just guide it toward there if you don't mind
03:15You're the best. Thank you so much, Christine
03:17He got it! He got it! I can't believe this
03:22Thank you. I hit the spot. Thank you, Christine. Wish I had gotten something a little less chunky
03:26Yeah
03:28In retrospect, something less chunky would have been a better choice, but
03:32There's an electric saw in there. We're gonna have you start it. Ostensibly, you're going to pierce yourself
03:39There's a blood dripper in there. We want blood to just start seeping out of the vents
03:42I want to hear a yelp, you know, like
03:48Hey!
03:50Shhh
03:52Eeee!
03:53Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
04:00Do you have any napkins out there?
04:01Christine, I bother you to grab me a couple of paper towels up there if you don't mind. Hey, you get a little nick
04:07You know, I mean construction happens all the time. Stop sipping the soup. Just not sipping the soup. Let me just get a little bit more of that chili
04:18Oh, that's bloody good soup. Oh, that's bloody good soup
04:25Getting a little hot in here. Let's get a little
04:30Oh, I'm sorry. She's leaving. She's gone. She's gone. You know, I should really get some medical attention and forget the soup at this point
04:37You can grab a spot here
04:42You should have plenty of you. Thank you. Thank you, man. Sal, I wanted you to open the vent and ask this guy, where are you from?
04:56Oh, where are you from?
04:57He can't find you. Oh, I'm working over here. Oh, I'm sorry, man. How you doing?
05:01I'm working on the HVAC. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm supposed to look up a recipe, but I can't find my phone
05:12Could you look that up for me? I'm cooking dinner tonight. Oh, that's good. But you know what?
05:15I can't even find my I supposed to look this recipe if I can't even get you can't find your cell phone
05:19Do you have your phone? Do you have your phone on you? Yep. Can you just look up a recipe for me real quick?
05:23Thank you. It is a cider braised pot roast. Okay, so it's a cider braised pot roast with crispy sage
05:30Butter potatoes cider braised pot roast with can you go with
05:34With crispy sage butter potatoes. Do you want me to click on one? Yeah, which one looks appetizing to you? You like carrots? Yeah
05:46Yes, yes, okay. Yeah, go through the whole recipe. Okay, so three pounds of black angus choice chuck roast is what I got to pick up
05:51Then that's looking at this visual three sweet onions thinly sliced two tablespoons of all-purpose flour and then actually is this turmeric
06:00Oh
06:02Oh
06:04You broke the vent so I'll blame that guy for the broken vent. Oh, we gotta be careful there. We just broke the vent
06:10Half a butternut squash instead of one and then kosher salt and pepper doesn't give an amount at all
06:15So I guess I'll do it. I'll do it to taste. Okay
06:19You're right. Yes, sir. Thank you. No problem
06:21Sal, Sal, hit your Apple watch there. Call your phone. You know what? I have my Apple watch on me. Oh, it is. It is in there
06:27Yeah
06:29Thank you so much. Thank you so so much. Oh, tell only only another vent to lay before you go to Thailand getting ready to take a trip to Thailand
06:38Yeah, wow
06:39To help your wife out. I'm going to help out my wife. Oh, she's there. Yeah, okay
06:45Buddy on your phone. We loaded some audio hit play
06:49Where is the bathroom?
06:51I'm trying to learn like um speak the language a little bit. Yeah, you know the basics, right?
06:56I'm looking for my wife. She's missing
07:01Thank the moment hung time me some time don't hijack
07:04I have a gun
07:08No, thank you that food looks nasty
07:13Hey, you piece of shit then say I have a gun
07:15Hey, you piece of shit
07:24Where is the bathroom? I have a gun
07:31You gotta call the police
07:33Sal do me a favor stick your nose through the vents get it out there. Take a big sniff
07:37What is that? Oh, that's a little Hershey's kisses. No, it smells awful. What is that wet dog or something?
07:42It's it smells it's
07:45Oh
07:48Yeah, I smell the churchy from here
07:53Oh, buddy all that to lose at that
07:57All right, cubert
07:59Hey, just let you know i'm still in here just doing some h back stuff in the building like okay. I'm brian by the way
08:05I'm christine. Hi christine. How are you?
08:07I tell you what? I feel like the good guy in that movie die hard. It's funny crawling around the vets
08:11I feel like um the good guy in that movie from dvc die hard. Yeah
08:15Whoop-dee-doo mother whoop-dee-doo mother
08:21Say uh you want to hear a secret you want to hear a secret sure
08:25I love secrets close the rest
08:27I'm not telling you i'm not telling you
08:31You just love playing like a kid
08:34Come in
08:34Are you still interested in hearing that secret yes
08:46Q stick your middle finger through
08:48Hey christine yeah
08:59Q do two better fingers and then we're back out
09:02Hey christine
09:10Ask her for a pen and then when she when she hands you go mine mine my treasure my treasure
09:17All joking aside is there a pen out there did you see this pen?
09:20Okay just say let me just grab her own pen thank you i gotta make a note on the uh thank you
09:25My
09:27My treasures
09:33This is my treasure now
09:37I'll never give it back
09:39Video view
09:40This pen's mine forever treasures in the vent belong to me stick your middle finger through and pull it out again
09:54You should try to squeeze out of that yeah buddy your shifts over get out of the vent
09:58All right hold on one second
10:00Well now you have to fix it
10:30Oh no
10:34Just look at her go pew pew and she's right the guy
10:36Pew pew
10:41Sal couldn't prevent failure so he's first on the loser board
10:46Today we are at topkins square bagels taking orders
10:49When the order is ready we'll call out the name on the ticket except we won't be calling out the name the customer gave
10:54Because the name or description we're calling out has been written by the other guys
10:57So then we'll have to ask the customer so who are you and if they don't repeat back that ridiculous nickname you lose
11:06All right Sal
11:07Oh this is wild
11:08It's crazy out there right
11:09Let's see how barely
11:11One of the workers doesn't want to be bothered okay
11:13Okay
11:14Hello
11:16Hello
11:16Oh yeah sure it's for you
11:19Visa right now
11:20Oh I talked to you
11:23All right buddy
11:24All right
11:24The woman there with the headphones in do you see her
11:26Okay
11:27Yeah we got a good one
11:34It's gotta be her right
11:35Yeah it's all we want
11:38Oh me
11:41She's not gonna say this is her
11:43Um
11:51Racially ambiguous baddie
11:53Oh it must be her
11:55Uh order for racially ambiguous baddie
11:59Blueberry uh bagel
12:05Racially ambiguous baddie
12:06That's me
12:07So you are racially ambiguous baddie
12:11She's gotta say it
12:12Who are you?
12:13Christian
12:13Uh
12:14I have racially ambiguous baddie
12:16Yeah sure
12:17So you are
12:17I'm basically ambiguous baddie
12:22Man I got anxiety
12:25So Sal
12:26We're gonna have you do this guy with the beanie
12:27Okay
12:28All right buddy
12:32A classic
12:33Uh huh
12:33A classic
12:34Bringing it back
12:34Uh order for this bitch gots a hat on
12:41Who is stone face
12:43Order for this bitch gots a hat on
12:46He's laughing he's laughing
12:48Do any bitches got a hat on
12:50A plain toasted egg
12:52This bitch gots a hat on
12:56Sir
12:56I have a toasted bagel egg
12:58Is this you?
12:58Yeah
12:59Okay so you are
13:01But this is this bitch gots a hat on
13:03I guess yes
13:04So you are
13:04Yeah
13:05This bitch got a hat on
13:06Yeah
13:10Good job buddy
13:13Here we go
13:14All right
13:15Okay babe
13:16It's the blue haired lady
13:17Right to your left there
13:18Right at the counter
13:18Okay
13:24You're gonna be able to pull this one off
13:27I think so
13:27Yeah
13:29Order up
13:31His voice is cracking
13:33Order up for uh
13:34If a wizard turned a mop into a person
13:39Order up for if a wizard turned a mop into a person
13:44Gandalf Dumbledore
13:46Dumbledore Gandalf saw a mop inanimate turns it using his wiles into a human being
13:53His wiles
13:54His wiles
13:57Whose order is that?
13:58Is it a pizza bagel?
13:59I ordered a pizza bagel so I guess I'm the mop
14:00You ordered a pizza bagel?
14:04So you must be
14:05A wizard who turned a mop into a person
14:07Got it got it
14:07You're the okay
14:08That's for you then
14:09There you go
14:10She's not the wizard
14:11She's the mop
14:13Just to be clear though
14:14You wouldn't be the wizard
14:14You'd be the mop
14:15The mop
14:16Yeah
14:16Not the wizard
14:17Wow
14:18Murr
14:18She's awesome
14:19She's so fun
14:22All right Murr
14:22We're gonna give you another one
14:23Okay
14:24We're not gonna tell you who it's for
14:26Okay
14:27Okay I don't know who it's for
14:29You just gotta pull it out and start reading it
14:31Okay
14:32Okay
14:32Order for featureless white overly confident cable persona
14:37Footsteppin' farmer fakin' soup slurpin' fake teeth havin' lily white
14:43Mother
14:44Threaded eyebrows that only serve to highlight the emptiness behind his phony man's eyes
14:50Oh it's my bagel
14:54I'm on break bitches
14:59This is gonna be something
15:01This is gonna be something
15:02Q you see the blonde girl with the brown jacket
15:04I do
15:05Her food is ready
15:11Oh the dizzy dame
15:14An order for the dizzy dame
15:16You dizzy dame
15:18What's that saying?
15:19It says chicken salad avocado and onion
15:22Yeah it's my order
15:23The chicken salad
15:24So you are
15:25Ellie
15:27That's all I have here
15:28I have uh
15:29The dizzy dame
15:30Is that you?
15:32She's gotta say it
15:32But this is your order
15:34Yeah
15:34So you are
15:36So you are
15:40Oh there it is
15:41There it is Ellie
15:42I got you right there
15:43Yeah yeah all right
15:43Okay
15:44Nice bud
15:44You got one
15:46All right Q
15:46It's the gentleman with the brown jacket and the satchel over his chest
15:49Indiana Jones
15:50Here we go
15:52There's his food
15:54Dud muffin
15:55I got a bagel for dud muffin
15:58He's like it's not me
16:01I ain't no dud
16:02That's dud muffin
16:03What's that?
16:04He said no
16:05What did you order?
16:05Bacon egg and cheese
16:07Yeah
16:07Yeah bacon egg and cheese
16:08Right that's it
16:09That's you
16:09Says dud muffin
16:11Chris?
16:11No no no
16:12That's the name
16:13Dud muffin
16:14Okay
16:14My name's Chris
16:15But this is your order
16:15Yeah
16:16So you must be
16:18Dud muffin
16:19We got through that together buddy
16:21Here you go Chris
16:22There's your receipt
16:26Good job buddy
16:28We got the next one
16:30Oh boy
16:30This guy
16:31The bald guy
16:32Yeah I see
16:33All right buddy
16:34What do you got?
16:43All right buddy
16:44What do you got?
16:46It's got to be this guy right?
16:48I can't say this
16:49Yes you can
16:50Uh
16:51Two rolls
16:54Yeah so the fresh prince of no hair
16:56That can't be you
16:58It says the fresh prince of no hair
17:01No that's him
17:02He's with me
17:02He's waving he just waved you
17:05Fresh prince of no hair
17:06That's him
17:07It says the fresh prince of no hair
17:08But this is your order
17:09But this is our order
17:11So you are
17:12The fresh prince of no hair
17:22Looks like Sal made a name for himself
17:24As tonight's big loser
17:28All right Sal off
17:29That's right buddy
17:30Which is why we're here at the slipper room
17:31Where a crowd of people
17:32Cannot wait to see you perform
17:34Yes now we hired a very
17:36Very talented sword swallower
17:38And you will also be doing that
17:42Not just swords all types of stuff
17:44That's it we went real simple on this one buddy
17:47Are you just making me gag on large items all night long?
17:53This idea is very simple
17:54Just make Sal choke
17:56Here we go buddy you're up
17:57Oh my god
17:58me
17:58We put everything that we want you to say on a teleprompter at the back of the theater
18:05So all you got to do is worry about swallowing swords
18:12There he is
18:13Look at how handsome he is
18:15So Sal's partner in crime is jen minsky she's the professional tonight
18:18She actually knows what she's doing
18:20Yeah
18:20Good eve my brothers and sisters
18:23Thank you so much for joining us on this beautiful spring night
18:27We are a real brother and sister duo
18:30This is jen
18:31And i eduardo
18:33And we are about to take our bodies to the limit
18:38You know as much as i love jen
18:40I especially love a jen martini
18:44Ah
18:45Sherry bottoms up cherry is down
18:49All right here we go
18:51Oh boy
18:52Oh my god
18:53Oh my god
18:54Oh my god
19:00Oh my god
19:03Oh
19:04No
19:05How'd you do that
19:08All right Sal your turn
19:10Oh my god
19:12Really guys
19:12Yeah
19:13Okay
19:16Sally just get that cherry
19:20There you go Sal
19:21It's a katana blade
19:23Yeah that'll help
19:25Yeah that's it lube it up
19:28Oh my god Sal
19:29Oh my god
19:31It's not gonna be careful
19:32Don't cut yourself
19:33Don't cut your uvula
19:45It's so tough
19:46It's so stupid
19:48It's so stupid
19:50Come on be a little showman about it
19:52Yeah there you go
19:53There you go
19:54Play to the audience
19:56Oh my god dude
19:58Oh
19:58Oh my god
19:59Oh
20:06All right
20:06You're not done buddy
20:09Dude that is
20:10Dude it hurts so bad
20:12The sword hurts so bad
20:13We got the easy one out of the way
20:14Act two is where it really gets hard
20:16The katana was easy
20:17The katana blade
20:18All right Sal act two
20:23Act two
20:24How are we all enjoying tonight's show
20:28Well who should have the audience
20:38Well who should have the audience
20:39My father's here
20:46He comes to these shows all the time
20:47Yeah
20:48Hey dad how you doing out there
20:50Enjoying the show
20:50Good good
20:52Love to have you back here on a practical jokers
20:54Give you another opportunity to be proud of your son
20:58That's my son
21:00It's a woman of fire
21:02And now I swallow this wrought iron pipe
21:10Make your dad proud Sal
21:16It's like got ridges
21:18Oh it's taller than him
21:20Here we go
21:21I'm not proud
21:41After you've swallowed a sword
21:43The only place to go
21:46Is a saber
21:48This isn't gonna go well
21:51Turn it on
21:52I want to see the light in your belly
21:55From dusk comes dawn
21:57From darkness comes light
22:00Let's swallow our sabers
22:02And light up the night
22:08Oh my god
22:10As a wise green man once said
22:14Do or do not
22:16There is no trial
22:21I genuinely can do this
22:26Why would you promise that?
22:29A what?
22:35I wonder what's next
22:37I wonder what's next
22:39We're going to do something different
22:41And I think we're going to see if someone in the audience has something that you can swallow
22:46I do
22:51Yeah
22:52All right
22:52Hello sir
22:54Oh
22:54I happen to have these sausages
23:03Senior say uh
23:04Go ahead swallow that sausage
23:05The feast of the seven sausages
23:06The feast of the seven sausages
23:07The feast of the seven sausages
23:19What even
23:22That was true
23:23That's a thick one
23:24Hungarian kielbasa
23:36Polish
23:41What is this funny shrimp?
23:43Let's do it
23:43What?
23:44Yeah
23:47Oh wow
23:54All right
23:56The endless esophagus ladies and gentlemen
23:59There you go buddy
23:59That was terrible
24:01I really hurt my throat with that katana blade