[NoZoom] Family Guy Season 19 Episode 1 - Family Guy Full Episodes 2025 HD NoCuts - video Dailymotion

Mr Beast

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Transcript

00:00:00All right, you guys, Jesus' birthday party is gonna be epic.

00:00:04Hey, since it's also Christmas, maybe we could make it like a Christmas theme.

00:00:07What about Secret Santa? That's always fun.

00:00:10Okay, but $5 limit.

00:00:12Why don't we just say no gifts?

00:00:13Come on, guys, we don't have to make such a big thing about it.

00:00:15It's not like I'm a woman who's about to turn 30.

00:00:18You guys, I don't care what we do for my birthday as long as it lasts the whole week

00:00:21and it's very expensive and inconvenient for all my friends.

00:00:24Oh, and I'm gonna dress like a slut and be rude to everyone for no reason.

00:00:28But, Maya...

00:00:29I don't care that your dad's dying. We're all going to Montreal for the week.

00:00:33Hold on, if we're planning a party, we haven't even talked about the most important thing.

00:00:37A hydration plan for people who overheat?

00:00:40It could be as simple as an ice bath.

00:00:42No, no, I'm talking about women.

00:00:43Oh, yeah, we definitely need some women here.

00:00:46Jesus, what kind of girls do you like?

00:00:47Women? Uh, all types, I guess.

00:00:50All types? Come on, Jesus, even Martin Lawrence when he used to dress up like Shanay-Nay?

00:00:55Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, Shanay-Nay!

00:00:57No, you know what I mean. Uh, like, uh, hot ladies. Horny ones who sex on you.

00:01:03What?

00:01:04Yeah, you know, they come back to your house and sit on your butt.

00:01:08Wait a minute. Jesus.

00:01:10Have you ever been with a woman?

00:01:13Are you...

00:01:14Are you a virgin?

00:01:15Yeah, I am.

00:01:18How the hell does that happen?

00:01:19Well, in high school, my best friend was this hot prostitute, and I just kind of got into

00:01:23the friend zone. She's all like, oh, there's all these guys having sex with me for money,

00:01:28and I'm all like, oh, you deserve better, and then I died.

00:01:30Well, sex is overrated.

00:01:32Stay out of this, Joe.

00:01:33All right, look, forget the party.

00:01:34We got a more important mission now. Your 2,000-year-long cold streak is about to come

00:01:39to an end.

00:01:40What do you mean?

00:01:41I'm saying, Jesus, we are gonna help you lose your virginity.

00:01:45God, I love sex.

00:01:47All right, me and the guys are off to help Jesus lose his virginity. Just put it in the

00:01:58oven for half an hour at 350.

00:02:00What?

00:02:00I don't know. That's what you always say when you leave the house.

00:02:03Oh, Peter, just be careful. Losing your virginity is a big deal. I'm sure Jesus doesn't want

00:02:08some gross quickie.

00:02:09No, no, no. It's gonna be nothing like that. Just some random slut to maul in a bar back

00:02:13where the payphones used to be.

00:02:14Peter, that's what I'm talking about. You're making this whole thing crude.

00:02:18It's his first time. You need to be more sensitive.

00:02:21Don't worry, Lois. I swear, I'll be sensitive and gentle like the Tasmanian devil tucking

00:02:25in his kids.

00:02:26All right, Jesus. These speed date nights are the best way to meet a lot of chicks fast.

00:02:53Now go get him.

00:02:54So where do you live?

00:02:55Everywhere. All places. Hopefully inside you.

00:02:59This is kind of embarrassing, but are you okay with someone who smokes?

00:03:03Oh, yeah. Are you okay with someone who wanders the desert lecturing people on how to act?

00:03:08So are you having a good Friday?

00:03:10Oh, is that supposed to be funny? Shut your mouth, bitch.

00:03:13How's the wine?

00:03:14It's terrific.

00:03:15That's my blood, you know.

00:03:16Where are you from?

00:03:18Israel.

00:03:22All right, Jesus. Nowadays, everything is done on the internet.

00:03:25All right? So we gotta get you on Facebook.

00:03:27Let me just close a couple of these windows.

00:03:29There we go. Sorry, I was up late last night.

00:03:32I had the house to myself. Sorry. Sorry.

00:03:35A lot of POV stuff.

00:03:36Yeah, I like to pretend it's mine down there. What's doing?

00:03:39I have nothing to be nervous about. This is going to be fun.

00:03:42Okay. Well, here goes.

00:03:47All right, Meg. While we take these, we can either play freeze frame or she works hard for the money.

00:03:52Which would you prefer?

00:03:53Can we play both?

00:03:55Sure.

00:03:55Well, that was a stupid idea. But you, you were phenomenal.

00:04:11You really think so?

00:04:12Here, have a look. I think these turned out great.

00:04:20Wait, Ben, are they all of my feet?

00:04:22Well, Meg, the thing is, my name's Evan, by the way, a lot of people will pay good money for pictures of sexy feet.

00:04:28Foot fetish porn sites are a huge business.

00:04:31But when you asked me to model, I thought you meant real modeling.

00:04:34This is real modeling, and you could be our next big star.

00:04:38Really? I don't know.

00:04:40Come on, it could be great. You'll meet lots of famous people, like Charles Barkley.

00:04:45Hi, Meg. You have nice feetses.

00:04:47I want to put them both in my mouth and then make a slapping sound on my bald head with them.

00:04:51We have a tranq gun if he gets rough.

00:05:06Meg! Why are you home so early?

00:05:08Yeah, I thought you were doing your modeling thing.

00:05:10I was.

00:05:11Wait, what? What's happening here?

00:05:12Well, not that it's any of your business, Meg, but this is why we've been married as long as we have.

00:05:17We do things together.

00:05:18You think 20 years just happens?

00:05:20No, it does not. Now, tell us fast about your nonsense so I can plow your mother on the staircase.

00:05:25Yeah, what kind of photo shoot was it?

00:05:27Did they take a picture of you eating a whole pizza pie next to an astonished chef?

00:05:32Actually, Evan thinks I'm a natural and that I'm going to be a huge success. He thinks I could be a famous model.

00:05:40You famous? Come on, Meg, your only chance at fame would have been as the dog on Frasier.

00:05:44Well, of course I respect my father. He's a vet.

00:05:48Woof!

00:05:48Not that kind of vet.

00:05:50So, where exactly are we going, anyway?

00:05:58Brian, I think the road has a way of telling you where you're going.

00:06:04There. Rhode Island Folk Festival. The road has spoken.

00:06:08Huh. That actually sounds kind of fun.

00:06:10See, Brian? This trip's already off to a great start.

00:06:13Certainly better than that retreat we went on with the Quahog Baptist Choir.

00:06:16Why don't we show our visitors how we sing what we see, y'all?

00:06:21Sing what we see. Sing what we see.

00:06:24Brother Roscoe, what do you see?

00:06:25Oh, I see Howard Johnson's billboard.

00:06:28Sing what you see.

00:06:29An old red bar that needs a paint job.

00:06:32Sing what you see.

00:06:33Oh, yeah.

00:06:34Boy in a truck too young to drive.

00:06:36Sing what you see.

00:06:37Brian!

00:06:38Oh, uh, uh, car?

00:06:40Aww.

00:06:41Come on.

00:06:42Let's just see what we see and keep it to ourselves.

00:06:46Hey, Evan.

00:06:51Oh, good, Meg, you're here.

00:06:52Grab a pair of dirty socks and meet me by the tub of dead mice.

00:06:56Actually, Evan, I've been thinking about this

00:06:58and I'm not sure being a foot fetish model's for me.

00:07:01What? You can't quit.

00:07:03You're an overnight sensation.

00:07:05I am?

00:07:08You got 35,000 views in one night

00:07:11and none of them got past the fourth picture.

00:07:13What does that mean?

00:07:15Oh.

00:07:15They love you.

00:07:16And look at these comments.

00:07:18Who is this?

00:07:19She's beautiful.

00:07:20A bunch of anti-Muslim stuff.

00:07:21Great feet.

00:07:22You're a hit, Meg.

00:07:24Wow, that's amazing.

00:07:26It's not often that anyone says anything nice about any part of me.

00:07:30But still, I don't know.

00:07:32It's porn.

00:07:33I never thought I'd do porn.

00:07:34I understand your apprehension, Meg.

00:07:37That's why I'm going to confuse you by calling...

00:07:39Is it possible you're not letting yourself be happy?

00:07:42Like you don't feel like you're worth it?

00:07:44No, that's not it.

00:07:46Hmm.

00:07:49Maybe your accomplishments don't feel real

00:07:51because your brother isn't here to see them.

00:07:54Maybe.

00:07:55That doesn't feel quite right either.

00:07:57Hmm.

00:07:58You don't want to outshine your father.

00:08:02Oh, my God.

00:08:03Oh, my God.

00:08:05Phew.

00:08:06I was damn near out of tweed.

00:08:07Okay, now see?

00:08:21She didn't say good morning to me.

00:08:23So I put an orange dot on her boarding pass,

00:08:25which means they're going to search her anus.

00:08:27I noticed you also circled a bunch of things on her ticket.

00:08:30Why did you do that?

00:08:31Because otherwise, the line moves too quickly.

00:08:33You see, the whole thing we're going for here at the TSA

00:08:36is a sort of bored fascism.

00:08:39Hmm.

00:08:39I think I can handle that.

00:08:41I did not tell you to approach!

00:08:43Great job!

00:08:44The worst thing a passenger can do

00:08:46is approach your podium before you tell them to.

00:08:48As bad as those 19 hijackers were,

00:08:50the people we see here every day are much worse.

00:08:53Boy, Larry, there's a lot to remember.

00:08:55I hope I don't screw something up.

00:08:57Trust me, you have nothing to worry about.

00:08:59You're basically unfireable.

00:09:01What do you mean?

00:09:01Come on, Meg.

00:09:02Look around.

00:09:03You're the hottest person who works here.

00:09:06Oh, wow.

00:09:10Now that you mention it,

00:09:11everybody does look kind of dumpy.

00:09:13That's not entirely their fault.

00:09:15They're all told to wear a pair of their dad's pants.

00:09:17Oh, speaking of which,

00:09:18tomorrow, bring in a pair of your dad's pants.

00:09:20Wow, I'm so excited for Brian.

00:09:27Remember, kids, if it's terrible,

00:09:28at the end, we all say,

00:09:30you did it.

00:09:31I can't believe we're going to the theater

00:09:32the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle.

00:09:35I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads?

00:09:37Boy, this takes me back.

00:09:39You know, I was kind of one of those theater kids in high school.

00:09:41Suddenly Seymour

00:09:44Suddenly Seymour

00:09:46He purified me

00:09:48He purified you

00:09:51Suddenly Seymour

00:09:53Suddenly Seymour

00:09:55This is Andrews.

00:09:57I pooped in the pot again.

00:09:59I'm going to need somebody to clean me up.

00:10:02It's really bad this time.

00:10:04Wow, what a turnout.

00:10:06Oh, hey, there's Glenn.

00:10:07Hey, guys.

00:10:08Hey, this is my date, Consuela.

00:10:09No, no, no.

00:10:12Okay, we're here as friends,

00:10:13but I'm going to change your mind one day.

00:10:19I'm so proud of Brian.

00:10:20It's hard to believe he's the same dog

00:10:22who barked at a pineapple for four hours.

00:10:24Close your purse.

00:10:25I can see your tampons.

00:10:27Then why do you need six?

00:10:28What happens to you?

00:10:30There's the man of the hour.

00:10:31Hey, Brian, can you believe I found this blazer

00:10:33on the side of the highway?

00:10:35Hey, guys.

00:10:35Thanks for coming.

00:10:36Big night, Brian.

00:10:37How you feeling?

00:10:38A little nervous.

00:10:39I just want it to go well.

00:10:41Fingers crossed.

00:10:42Will there be an intermission?

00:10:43Because that will determine whether or not

00:10:44I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater.

00:10:47This is unacceptable!

00:10:48Sorry, guys.

00:10:49I gotta go.

00:10:50They didn't put masking tape over a seat

00:10:51for Tom Tucker,

00:10:52and he's in there pitching a fit.

00:10:54Do you know who I am?

00:10:55I'm Tom Tucker, dammit!

00:10:56I make more in an hour

00:10:57than you make in two hours!

00:11:00Oh, the play's about to start.

00:11:03Mom, am I gonna fit in the seat,

00:11:04or is this gonna be like last time?

00:11:06This should tide you over for a while.

00:11:10I'll come back as soon as I can.

00:11:14She's not coming back, you know.

00:11:16How do you know that?

00:11:17Because she's my mom, too.

00:11:22Excuse me, that's my seat.

00:11:26We'll talk about this at home.

00:11:27Let's see, who's in this thing?

00:11:31Sad, nobody.

00:11:32Sad, sad, nobody.

00:11:34Victor Garber.

00:11:35That's pretty good.

00:11:36How did he get Victor...

00:11:37Of course, tonight is Randall Evan Battencourt.

00:11:40God, I hate understudies.

00:11:42King Louis XVI has been sentenced to death by guillotine.

00:11:47The part of King Louis XVI

00:11:49will be played by Jean de Menard.

00:11:53Relax, you're gonna do great.

00:11:55Nailed it.

00:12:04Well, as usual, this is gonna suck for one of us.

00:12:09Donna, it's Grant, your new husband.

00:12:11Hi, honey.

00:12:12I've got great news.

00:12:14What is it?

00:12:14First, where do we keep the good scotch?

00:12:17At your brother's house.

00:12:18I got an audition for the hottest new play...

00:12:23We now return to Jeopardy! presents

00:12:27The Best of Contestant Banter.

00:12:29So, Ben, it says here you have a connection to milk.

00:12:32Yes, funny story.

00:12:33I discovered recently that I have an allergy to milk.

00:12:36Oh, so I guess we won't be eating any cheese around you.

00:12:40And Dennis, you once spent a night in a tent?

00:12:43So, uh, what do you guys got planned for the weekend?

00:12:46I don't know.

00:12:46I might sit out in the front yard with a rake and wave at cars.

00:12:49Yeah, and I found a hole in my fence I was gonna maybe stick stuff through.

00:12:52God, look at us.

00:12:53How'd we become so dull and pathetic?

00:12:55You're right.

00:12:56I mean, we used to have hobbies.

00:12:58Remember when I was a horse whisperer?

00:12:59That's right.

00:13:09I bet you're hungry.

00:13:11It's okay.

00:13:14I calmed you down, you f***ing horse.

00:13:17Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.

00:13:20Hey, now that's a good idea, Joe.

00:13:22All right, okay, I have two ideas.

00:13:23One that I think is awesome and one that I think is stupid.

00:13:26See if you can guess which one is which.

00:13:27We could either A, rob a mafia poker game, or B, skydive.

00:13:34Skydiving, huh?

00:13:35I'd be totally up for that.

00:13:36Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving.

00:13:38Really?

00:13:39Eh, it could be fun, I guess.

00:13:41Besides, I haven't done anything new since I learned how to use a palm frond.

00:13:44So, do I try to match your speed?

00:13:46Yeah, just match my speed.

00:13:48And do we stagger our waves or do them at the same time?

00:13:50Um, they should have covered this in orientation.

00:13:52Guards, have the new guy executed.

00:13:55Am I the new guy?

00:13:57All right, we're almost at our jumping altitude.

00:14:02Does anyone have any questions?

00:14:04Yeah, I got one.

00:14:04Can I listen to my iPod on the way down?

00:14:06Of course.

00:14:07Just as long as it's not Tom Petty's free-fallen.

00:14:10I'll just keep it in my pocket.

00:14:11Any other questions?

00:14:12Let's do this!

00:14:13That wasn't a question.

00:14:14Back of the line.

00:14:17Okay, let's do this!

00:14:18Hey!

00:14:19Hey!

00:14:21Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?

00:14:22Yeah, it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.

00:14:25Get off my plane!

00:14:27Get off my plane!

00:14:29Get off my plane!

00:14:31Oh, look!

00:14:32He even brought Callista Flockhart with him.

00:14:34Ah, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.

00:14:36Good, because she looks fat.

00:14:38Get off my plane!

00:14:39Get off my plane!

00:14:41Get off my plane!

00:14:43All right!

00:14:44Yeah, this is amazing!

00:14:46I know, it's unbelievable!

00:14:48Hey, guys, let's try to recreate this feeling for the rest of our lives with drugs.

00:14:55Well, it looks like it's almost time for us to pull our cords.

00:14:58Wait, wait, guys, how about this?

00:15:00Last one to open their chute gets 20 bucks.

00:15:03Okay.

00:15:03I'm in.

00:15:04Oh, damn it!

00:15:11I'm dead already, Peter.

00:15:13You're looking at a dead man.

00:15:14I might not even pull the cord at all.

00:15:22Holy crap, this is awesome!

00:15:24Good afternoon, Quahog.

00:15:30Our top story, price wars, are heating up between all of the major airlines and even

00:15:34a couple of the little crashy ones.

00:15:36We now go live to Trisha Takenawa with more on the story.

00:15:39Tom, I'm standing here at Boston's Logan Airport, where some of the same security people

00:15:44who let the terrorists on the plane are still gainfully employed.

00:15:48With such low fares, even those who never fly are lining up to buy tickets.

00:15:53Early reports suggest that this could be the most profitable day for airlines in the last

00:15:59two decades.

00:16:00I'm Trisha Takenawa.

00:16:01Back to you, Tom.

00:16:02Hi, Mom.

00:16:04Hi, Joe.

00:16:05Wow, Peter, did you hear that?

00:16:07Low air fares.

00:16:08Why don't we take a trip?

00:16:09We never go anywhere anymore.

00:16:11We're getting stagnant.

00:16:12What are you talking about?

00:16:13We go places.

00:16:14We took that helicopter tour of Tucson.

00:16:16Wow, I've never seen so many boats not near bodies of water.

00:16:20That park is all concrete.

00:16:22Look, there's a dog tied to our other dog.

00:16:26I think that guy with long hair is a lawyer.

00:16:28Look at all those students running for their lives.

00:16:31Oh, there's the concrete park again.

00:16:33Peter, I'm talking about real travel.

00:16:36We can finally afford to go somewhere good.

00:16:38Joe and Bonnie went to Europe and had the time of their lives.

00:16:41Hey, I know a place you can go, Lois.

00:16:43Hell, there, I said it.

00:16:44Now shut your mouth.

00:16:45Lois, I hate traveling.

00:16:47Besides, my passport picture is awful.

00:16:48Ugh, you look like a human cigarette.

00:16:54But it's not just about you, Peter.

00:16:56Think about the family.

00:16:57It would be an amazing experience for the kids.

00:16:59It would give them some culture.

00:17:01Lois, the kids can get all the culture they need right here in Quahog.

00:17:04Really?

00:17:05More culture than Europe?

00:17:06That's right, and I'm gonna prove it to you.

00:17:08I got more culture in my pinky toe than all of Europe put together.

00:17:11Oh, my God.

00:17:28I got ringworm, too, but it's not classy like this.

00:17:33Okay, kids, now this is the Quahog Museum of Science,

00:17:37a magical place of cultural exploration.

00:17:39That sucked.

00:17:54Now, one thing that makes us more cultured than our European counterparts

00:17:57is high school football.

00:17:59Then why are we standing here in the parking lot?

00:18:01Because sometimes your team loses, and you have to beat up the ref.

00:18:06What part of Eatonville are you from, huh?

00:18:08What part of Eatonville are you from?

00:18:09Oh, West Eatonville.

00:18:11Oh, really?

00:18:12West Eatonville?

00:18:12Do you know Bob Hanley?

00:18:13I'm Bob Hanley.

00:18:14No kidding.

00:18:15Bob, it's me, Peter Griffin.

00:18:17Oh, my God.

00:18:18How the hell are you?

00:18:19I'm doing great.

00:18:20I'm doing great.

00:18:21Hey, listen.

00:18:22I was really sorry to hear about your dad.

00:18:24Oh, that...

00:18:24We now return to Home Alone with Competent Robbers.

00:18:36Hey, be careful.

00:18:37There's cars on the floor here.

00:18:38Thanks.

00:18:39That's weird, huh?

00:18:40Yeah, the doorknob was really hot, but I just let go instead of holding onto it.

00:18:44And there's some ice on the stairs to the basement, so I guess just don't go down there.

00:18:48Just so you guys know, I have a tarantula.

00:18:53Well, now there are no witnesses.

00:18:55Come on, everybody.

00:18:56Let's go to the mall.

00:18:58It's time for the Christmas carnival.

00:19:00It's Stewie's first Christmas.

00:19:02Again?

00:19:03I love the Christmas carnival!

00:19:06Chris, calm down.

00:19:07You're giving yourself a nosebleed.

00:19:09You know, the best thing about the Quahog Mall is going into Tiffany's and doing everything

00:19:13possible to make them think I might actually buy something.

00:19:16Oh, this is lovely.

00:19:18Just lovely.

00:19:18How much is this?

00:19:19$1,200.

00:19:21Great.

00:19:22Great.

00:19:22That's all?

00:19:23And how late do you open this evening?

00:19:24Until seven.

00:19:25Perfect.

00:19:26Perfect.

00:19:26And you accept credit cards and cash?

00:19:29Yes.

00:19:29And what's your name?

00:19:30I want to make sure you get credit for this sale.

00:19:32Evan.

00:19:32Oh, that's a great name.

00:19:34Oh, and these watches here, if I wanted to get 11 of them for different groomsmen, could

00:19:38they each get engraved individually?

00:19:40Yes.

00:19:41And you do that on site?

00:19:42Yes.

00:19:43Fantastic.

00:19:44Now, the groomsmen's names are Blake, Hayden, Edgar, Blake D., Elliot, Milo, Cooper.

00:19:50Why aren't you writing any of these down?

00:19:52You're wearing Sparrow wrappers for shoes, sir.

00:19:56There may have been a trade.

00:20:02Hey, nice outfit.

00:20:08Fancy pair of shoes, too.

00:20:10Do you only use adjectives sarcastically?

00:20:13Great question, smart guy.

00:20:16What the hell?

00:20:17Where's all the decorations?

00:20:18And a big Christmas tree.

00:20:19Oh, look, there's Santa.

00:20:20Pay that now.

00:20:21That's a hell's angel.

00:20:23What do you want?

00:20:24Meth?

00:20:25Okay.

00:20:26There's no Christmas carnival, Dad.

00:20:28You seem to know a lot about this, Meg.

00:20:29What did you do?

00:20:30No Christmas carnival?

00:20:32Whoever's responsible for this shall suffer my eternal wrath.

00:20:35Heh.

00:20:36Who's this guy?

00:20:37Tough-tone selling curly-toed shoes.

00:20:39Leave me alone.

00:20:40Why don't you go bother the cologne salesman at Macy's?

00:20:43I want something I could wear on the street that a broad can smell on a fire escape.

00:20:47There's gotta be an explanation for this.

00:20:50Let's ask that security guard who has everything on his belt except a gun.

00:20:54Excuse me, sir?

00:20:55It's officer.

00:20:56No, it's not.

00:20:57It's barely, sir.

00:20:59Yeah, I know.

00:20:59Where is the Christmas carnival?

00:21:02Canceled.

00:21:02I don't know why.

00:21:03I'm just a small cog in this operation.

00:21:06You hear that, Dad?

00:21:07You're not the only one around here with a small cog.

00:21:09I told you that in confidence, Chris.

00:21:12Daddy, where's Santa?

00:21:14Was he killed by Muslims?

00:21:16Oh, my God.

00:21:17Poor Stewie.

00:21:18He's so disappointed.

00:21:20Of course he is, Lois.

00:21:21I feel the same way.

00:21:22How come every time I'm feeling happy, somebody's gotta come along and ruin it?

00:21:30The Travel Channel presents Backpacking Through Europe with a Bow-Legged Man in Short Shorts.

00:21:36Hello.

00:21:37Come.

00:21:37Let's see some beautiful sights together.

00:21:39Hello, tree.

00:21:40Thank you for shade.

00:21:42Hello, mountain cat.

00:21:43Thank you for controlling local rat population.

00:21:46Hello, windmill.

00:21:47Thank you for the cheese ride and ball cooling.

00:21:50Next week, bullet trains.

00:21:53Hello!

00:21:55Hey, Dad.

00:21:56Are you busy?

00:21:57I was thinking we could spend some time together.

00:22:00Okay.

00:22:00Are you a television set or the internet?

00:22:03No.

00:22:04Oh, then no.

00:22:04No, thank you.

00:22:05Are you sure?

00:22:06Because there's a three-day weekend coming up, and I thought maybe you and I could finally

00:22:10go fishing like we've been talking about.

00:22:12Oh, sorry, Chris.

00:22:13I can't.

00:22:13I got insanity practice.

00:22:15Ah!

00:22:16Ah!

00:22:17Pinwheels!

00:22:18Pinwheels in my head!

00:22:19Voices!

00:22:19Angry fish!

00:22:20How's he doing?

00:22:21Not good.

00:22:22He still thinks this is practice of some sort.

00:22:25But you promised we'd go fishing.

00:22:28Ah, Chris.

00:22:29I was just lying to you so you'd go away.

00:22:31But if you leave me alone now, I'll give you a billion dollars.

00:22:34You've got a deal.

00:22:36Peter, you know, it might help Chris to be able to spend some time with his father.

00:22:40Well, what's in it for old Pete?

00:22:41He's your son.

00:22:42Don't you want someone to bond with?

00:22:44No.

00:22:44I only form unspoken bonds.

00:22:50Ah!

00:22:52Hit me with your best shot.

00:22:55Why don't you hit me with your best shot?

00:22:59Hit me with your best shot.

00:23:02Fire away.

00:23:05Come on!

00:23:08No!

00:23:08Oh!

00:23:13Okay.

00:23:13I'll talk to you later.

00:23:15Bye.

00:23:15You guys, that was my mom.

00:23:17She said that daddy broke his leg.

00:23:19How?

00:23:20Apparently, he got hurt at the mall.

00:23:22Carter, please stop doing that.

00:23:25We need to get you some new corduroys.

00:23:27No!

00:23:27None of the other boys are wearing corduroys.

00:23:29I want dungarees.

00:23:30You're going to get hurt doing that.

00:23:32No, I'm not.

00:23:33I'm the champ at doing this.

00:23:35Ow!

00:23:36You jinxed me!

00:23:37Aw, damn it.

00:23:38Hey, call that beeping cart that carries around the fat black people.

00:23:42Well, I guess Babs has her work cut out for her.

00:23:44Actually, Mom can't take care of him.

00:23:46She's out of town doing a photo shoot for the cover of Vane's magazine.

00:23:50So, are you going to go take care of him, Mom?

00:23:55I can't go.

00:23:56I've got to go get my hair very minutely changed and then spend the next 14 hours trying to

00:24:00get people to notice.

00:24:04Well?

00:24:05Lois, move.

00:24:06You're blocking the TV.

00:24:08What do you think?

00:24:09I think you're blocking the TV.

00:24:11Peter, is there anything you want to say to me?

00:24:14All right.

00:24:15Amy at work kissed me.

00:24:17It is true that I did not step away, but I did not lean in.

00:24:20However, in my defense, she had...

00:24:22All right.

00:24:30Who's ready for a little tailgating?

00:24:31Hey, Brian, toss me a cold one.

00:24:32Nothing better than a 7 a.m. beer and an unbrushed mouth.

00:24:39Peter, I don't want you drinking too much.

00:24:41You're driving us all home.

00:24:42Lois, I know how many beers I can drink and still be able to drive.

00:24:45I figured it out.

00:24:56Seven.

00:24:59Six.

00:25:02Hey, Cleveland.

00:25:05What are you doing back in town?

00:25:06Just back up here for my monthly haircut.

00:25:09When a black man finds a barber, it's for life.

00:25:12Oh, my God.

00:25:13There's the CEO of my company.

00:25:15Now's my chance to impress him.

00:25:16Hey, Mr. Carlyle.

00:25:17Check this out.

00:25:22That's what I can do for the company.

00:25:24Really?

00:25:25Can you do other things for the company?

00:25:27No, no, no.

00:25:28I don't want to be promoted that way.

00:25:29I want to be promoted to shooting hawks with a crossbow weight.

00:25:32The NFL experience.

00:25:36That sounds cool.

00:25:38Kid, you're the best.

00:25:39Sign with me and you're going to make millions.

00:25:40Griffin, get out there.

00:25:42Ow!

00:25:42It's his knee.

00:25:43Doc?

00:25:44You'll never play football again.

00:25:45Too bad, kid.

00:25:46You was going to buy me a house.

00:25:49Now I have headaches.

00:25:50I'm going to save my brain for science.

00:25:52Come on, guys.

00:25:55It's game time.

00:25:56Yeah, Patriots!

00:25:57All right.

00:25:58This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever.

00:26:00Except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week.

00:26:03Okay, my great-uncle wears a ski hat all the time.

00:26:06Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi.

00:26:11Hey, where's the monkey rabbi?

00:26:13Here's your Torah.

00:26:14You'll be here on Tuesday at 9.

00:26:15Check in with Shirley.

00:26:16You're going to need me this week?

00:26:18Ah, maybe.

00:26:18Maybe Friday.

00:26:19Now, where are the gays?

00:26:20Over here.

00:26:21No, no, no.

00:26:21The really cartoony gays.

00:26:23Yoo-hoo!

00:26:24There you are.

00:26:25We're going to need you guys all week.

00:26:32Okay, Brian, so what are the rules?

00:26:34What?

00:26:34Rules?

00:26:35What are the rules?

00:26:35How do you make points?

00:26:36Oh, no.

00:26:37Come on, we're here.

00:26:38Just give me the Cliff Notes version.

00:26:39Like, who's the guy with the football ball?

00:26:42It's just called a football.

00:26:43Okay, okay.

00:26:44Short-hand lingo.

00:26:45I like it.

00:26:46I like it.

00:26:46Now, I see some elements of Red Rover with a little bit of spud mixed in.

00:26:50And is anyone ever going to blow a raspberry on the quarterback's belly?

00:26:54No, Stewie, that never happens.

00:26:55Down goes Brady.

00:26:56And it looks like Williams is pulling up his shirt and having a little fun with his tummy.

00:27:00Oh, look, he's doing it.

00:27:02Ah, this is my favorite part of the game.

00:27:04When two drunk guys each holding a baby get into a fist fight.

00:27:07You're stupid.

00:27:09No, you're stupid.

00:27:11Oh, now their wives are getting into it.

00:27:12They're going to put their cigarettes in their mouths and bump boobs.

00:27:15You got no class, you bitch!

00:27:17No, you got no class!

00:27:19And now here comes security to kick out the wrong person.

00:27:25Peter, what are you doing?

00:27:27I'm watching this awesome show, Brian.

00:27:28See, they took all these colors, and they're making them all live together in a beach house.

00:27:32Now the red one is sleeping with the green one, and the blue one thinks he's going to have a career in music.

00:27:37And the yellow one is just a total bitch.

00:27:40Peter, that's just a channel that's gone off the air.

00:27:42And we'll be right back with more Color Bar Beach House after these messages.

00:27:47Oh.

00:27:48Peter, for God's sake, did you eat this entire roll of raw cookie dough?

00:27:51Oh, was that what that was?

00:27:52I thought it was a raisin sausage.

00:27:54Peter, you're going to get sick.

00:27:56You can't just eat raw food out of the fridge.

00:27:58Yeah, calm down.

00:27:59People make mistakes.

00:28:00Just look at the original design for the first hybrid car.

00:28:03Eric, we love the car.

00:28:05We only want to change one thing.

00:28:07Is it the rapist sign?

00:28:09Yes, it is the rapist sign.

00:28:10I quit.

00:28:14So, as you can see, our quarterly output is up one and a half percent.

00:28:19That's not net.

00:28:20I'm talking gross.

00:28:21You do everything gross.

00:28:23We're predicting another two percent growth in the quarter...

00:28:27Stupid, boring meeting.

00:28:28I don't even want to be here.

00:28:30I'd rather be home doing dramatic garage door reveals.

00:28:53Continue to be available for those...

00:28:54What was that?

00:28:58Oh, that doesn't feel right.

00:29:00Oh, man.

00:29:01I think that cookie dough was fighting that taco I found in the parking lot.

00:29:05I just hope I can hold it in until the meeting's over.

00:29:07And now, 23 minutes of silence for the 23 workers who drown in the vats this year.

00:29:15Oh, God.

00:29:16It hurts.

00:29:17It hurts.

00:29:18Of course it hurts, Griffin.

00:29:19They were good men.

00:29:20All of them.

00:29:21I can't hold it in.

00:29:22You don't have to, Griffin.

00:29:24Let it out.

00:29:25That's what we're here for.

00:29:27This was supposed to be 23 minutes of silence, and there's kind of a lot of conversation going on.

00:29:31Yeah!

00:29:33Hey, Peter.

00:29:34My kid's selling Girl Scout cookies, and we're collecting for Janet's pregnancy.

00:29:37Softball sign-up?

00:29:39Trick-or-treat for Unicef?

00:29:40Oh, get in for Ed's retirement date?

00:29:42Holiday party?

00:29:44Whoa!

00:29:45Company picnic?

00:29:46Secret set?

00:29:47Carpool info?

00:29:47Oh, finally!

00:29:50Now I can get myself to the...

00:29:51Uh-oh!

00:30:01Oh, man.

00:30:01Now everyone's gonna remember me for this.

00:30:03I wanted to be remembered for my achievement in film.

00:30:06This hunting trip is long overdue.

00:30:30Yeah.

00:30:30I mean, it's just too bad that all the animals are so spread out, you know?

00:30:33I mean, wouldn't it be awesome if they were all grouped together, like in a cafeteria,

00:30:38and you could just go in there with a trench coat and just waste them?

00:30:41Well, maybe I can stir up some quail or pheasant with my patented bird calls.

00:30:46Birds!

00:30:46Quail!

00:30:47Pheasant!

00:30:48Come on out!

00:30:48I'm a bird of the opposite sex who's interested in mating!

00:30:53Oh, did you hear that?

00:30:54We're gonna get laid!

00:30:56Billy, Billy, come on.

00:30:58Don't be stupid.

00:30:58Should have taken the shot, fat ass.

00:31:16Hey, Peter, you got your safety on, right?

00:31:22Yeah, of course.

00:31:23Okay, because your gun is pointing right at me.

00:31:25What, you want me to pull the trigger and prove it to you?

00:31:26No, I just want to make sure your safety's on.

00:31:29Here, see, Quagmire?

00:31:30Safety's on.

00:31:31Now, this is a gun without a safety.

00:31:34Quite the difference, huh?

00:31:35Damn it, Peter, you son of a bitch!

00:31:37You shot me!

00:31:38Oh, my God, Peter, that might be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

00:31:41No, the dumbest thing I ever did was open that can of whoop-ass.

00:31:49Lois, why did you buy this?

00:31:51It was on sale!

00:31:56A writer who inherits a magic typewriter that writes for him, but then it turns out the

00:32:05typewriter is racist?

00:32:08Totally makes sense.

00:32:09Older technology, older worldview.

00:32:12And that is a good day.

00:32:13I earned some banana bread.

00:32:15Oh, crap.

00:32:18It's Dylan.

00:32:19Dylan?

00:32:20Your son?

00:32:21I haven't heard you mention him in ages.

00:32:22Yeah, I decided to step away from the whole situation.

00:32:26The last thing he needs is a father who's, you know, sometimes there, sometimes not.

00:32:31Really?

00:32:31When was the part when you were there?

00:32:33Hey, if I click ignore, will he know that I'm sending him to voicemail?

00:32:36Hey, Dylan!

00:32:37Hey, it's Stewie!

00:32:39Yeah, I'm right here with your dad!

00:32:42Hey, hey, Dylan!

00:32:44Hey, Dad!

00:32:45I know we haven't talked in a while, but I'm calling because I'm on my way to Quahog.

00:32:49Oh, really?

00:32:50When are you getting here?

00:32:52Tuesday!

00:32:52Oh, don't say Tuesday.

00:32:53Oh, I'm at the, I'm at the, I'm out at the project all day.

00:32:57Oh, hands on, indispensable.

00:32:59They need me there, so.

00:33:01Wow.

00:33:02Rats.

00:33:03Bummer.

00:33:03I can cover for you at the project, Brian.

00:33:05Go see your boy.

00:33:07Dad, who's your co-worker?

00:33:08He sounds nice.

00:33:09He's widely disliked here, but I'll meet you Tuesday at the coffee shop.

00:33:12Sounds great.

00:33:13I'll see you then.

00:33:14Okay.

00:33:15Bye.

00:33:16See?

00:33:17Don't you feel better?

00:33:18You're going to go to that lunch.

00:33:19You're going to reconnect with your son.

00:33:20It'll be great.

00:33:23We now return to VH1's Behind the Music, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

00:33:28It must have been around 1979 when animals started snorting crushed up pieces of felt.

00:33:34Got pretty ugly.

00:33:35Me had big problem before me found God.

00:33:38He, like, threw me down and he said,

00:33:40I hope your puppeteer has big hands because I'm not using lube.

00:33:43Me no remember that, but me believe it happened.

00:33:48I got it.

00:33:51Huh.

00:33:51Says Glenn Quagmire.

00:33:53But if you squint and imagine it says Peter Griffin, it says Peter Griffin.

00:33:57Peter, it's Quagmire's.

00:33:58Take it next door.

00:33:59Now, now, hold on, Lois.

00:34:00Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma.

00:34:03Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner, or do I open it up and see if it contains

00:34:07He-Man's?

00:34:08Do not open that box.

00:34:09You know, Lois, physicists believe there are two alternate universes.

00:34:13One in which I don't open the box, and one in which I do.

00:34:16I'm not gonna open the box.

00:34:18I'm gonna open the box.

00:34:21Oh, sweet.

00:34:22It's a whip.

00:34:23Peter, be careful with that thing.

00:34:25Remember, we're renting this house.

00:34:27That's depressing.

00:34:28Wow.

00:34:29I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.

00:34:33You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom.

00:34:37Why are you looking at me like that?

00:34:39Peter, would you like a glass of...

00:34:41Oh, my God!

00:34:42I told you not to play God with those ants!

00:34:49All right, Meg, stay incredibly still.

00:34:51I'm gonna whip that cigarette out of your mouth, and maybe not slice your face in half.

00:34:55Dad, I don't want to do this.

00:34:57Stay still!

00:34:58Okay, that's pretty cool, too.

00:35:01Hey, Dad, that's a cool whip.

00:35:03Ah!

00:35:04I thought you couldn't understand me!

00:35:18Okay.

00:35:21I'm doing my very best!

00:35:25Thanks.

00:35:25That was way too much heat on my neck.

00:35:27Oh, a message from Joe.

00:35:34Hey, Cleveland, I just wanted to give you a heads up that Peter has a whip, because, well,

00:35:39you know, given your racial heritage, it seems like something you might want to keep an eye

00:35:44out for.

00:35:46Grape Soda Graham.

00:35:47I know this is very risky, but the upside is so good, I'm taking it!

00:35:56We now return to the Outlaw Josie Whales.

00:36:00Should we bury him?

00:36:01Nah, leave him for the buzzards.

00:36:03I like that guy.

00:36:05Oh, boy, here comes Harry.

00:36:07He thinks no one will notice he got his neck done.

00:36:09Hey, fellas, I'm back from that family wedding.

00:36:12Ugh.

00:36:14Hey, what you watching?

00:36:15The Outlaw Josie Whales.

00:36:16It's a Western.

00:36:17Ah.

00:36:17When do the cowboys go into the tent, lick their palms, and have sex with each other?

00:36:21Different kind of Western.

00:36:26Peter, you promised me you would do the dishes.

00:36:28Well, I was doing the dishes for a while, but they were inexperienced, so I ended up having

00:36:32to rub one out.

00:36:33Where in the hell did you get the idea that that's what I meant by doing the dishes?

00:36:37From dirty Amelia Bedelia?

00:36:40Almost done vacuuming the rug!

00:36:42Damn it, Peter, you're making me crazy.

00:36:45Well, you know what?

00:36:46Sounds like you need some counseling.

00:36:48Maybe you should go talk to Cleveland.

00:36:49Cleveland?

00:36:50Why would I talk to Cleveland?

00:36:51He's a therapist now, and he's really great at helping people with their problems.

00:36:55Oh, I see.

00:36:56You want me to tell your best friend my complaints about you so he can back you up.

00:37:01The new maid is peeing on me, and she didn't even say anything clever about it.

00:37:05Look, you're the one who said you were going crazy.

00:37:07Just talk to him.

00:37:07He's all about helping people get well, just like Doc Martens.

00:37:11So, how are you feeling today?

00:37:13Terrible.

00:37:14I've got blurry vision, I feel cold and clammy, and the nurse told me there's blood in my stool.

00:37:19Have you tried wearing a lesbian shoe?

00:37:22What?

00:37:22Put this man down for a pair of lesbian shoes.

00:37:27Huh.

00:37:28High fever, weight loss, and extreme respiratory difficulty.

00:37:31Let's have this man intubated and fit with a pair of lesbian shoes.

00:37:34Hey, are you the next crazy person?

00:37:42Um, I guess so.

00:37:43I've been pretty depressed since my wife died.

00:37:46I'm sorry, I'm trying to read the Costco connection here.

00:37:49There they are.

00:37:50All right, since you're a patient, we're gonna talk about you like you're not here.

00:37:53You get all of us squawking out, Doc?

00:37:55Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem.

00:37:57Didn't we, Lois?

00:37:59Absolutely.

00:38:00All right, let's dope her up good.

00:38:01Turn that mouth off.

00:38:02No, Peter, the problem is you.

00:38:05What?

00:38:06What the hell are you doing?

00:38:07You're supposed to be my friend.

00:38:08Dr. Brown, I just killed nine people.

00:38:13Ah, I mean, I have ducks on my feet.

00:38:16Old, crazy, harmless mayor.

00:38:18Quack, quack.

00:38:26How can Cleveland say I'm the problem?

00:38:28All I do is sit in the bathroom and play on my phone.

00:38:31Swipe, wipe, swipe, wipe, wipe, swipe.

00:38:35Uh-oh.

00:38:36That's a perfect example.

00:38:38You put no effort in...

00:38:39I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died.

00:38:44Don't make light of that.

00:38:47Ah!

00:38:48Ah!

00:38:49Ah!

00:38:50Ah!

00:38:52Holy crap, we gotta get out of here.

00:38:56Oh, man, the library.

00:38:58White Fang, this is for ruining my 8th grade summer.

00:39:04Ah!

00:39:05Ah!

00:39:18They ruined my summer, too.

00:39:20Oh, hey, Bri.

00:39:28Still sitting in chairs, huh?

00:39:30What'd your back ever do to you?

00:39:32I'm trying to watch.

00:39:33Know what I'm watching?

00:39:34My core.

00:39:35Your body and mind are supposed to be on the same team.

00:39:37Sitting on the hard floor is good for your back, too.

00:39:43Coming up, female high school teacher sleeps with her students.

00:39:46Is she hot?

00:39:47Stay tuned.

00:39:48But first, the public library suffered damage this evening when an area fat man smashed through

00:39:53the front of the building while attempting a drunken stunt.

00:39:55The bus station is expected to absorb the overflow of homeless armpit washing ladies.

00:40:00Oh, God.

00:40:01Peter, is there something you want to tell me?

00:40:04Uh, yeah.

00:40:05Every light in the house is on.

00:40:06Did you destroy the library?

00:40:08Did I destroy the library?

00:40:10Ha!

00:40:11No, Lois, that was television.

00:40:12In light of events at the library, we now go live to a press conference at the mayor's residence.

00:40:17Good evening, Quahog.

00:40:18I'm here tonight with the deputy mayor.

00:40:21Hi, everybody.

00:40:21Shut up.

00:40:24Anyway, these types of immature drunken hijinks are destroying our town.

00:40:29And if we can't trust a 42-year-old man to drink responsibly, then I have no choice but to take action.

00:40:37So as mayor of Quahog, I hereby raise the town's legal drinking age to 50.

00:40:42What?

00:40:43I can't drink anymore?

00:40:44What am I going to do?

00:40:45What do people do who don't drink?

00:40:47I don't know.

00:40:48Knit?

00:40:49Knit?

00:40:50Are you kidding me?

00:40:51Maybe.

00:40:52Um, okay, so it turns out I am, like, crazy good at knitting.

00:41:02Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

00:41:04It's day three of Quahog's new ban on alcohol for anybody under 50.

00:41:08And if there's one thing the new drinking age law has done, it's let us know that women tell terrible stories.

00:41:14Good to see your eyes open, Tom.

00:41:16For more on this story, we now go to Tricia Takenawa.

00:41:18Tricia?

00:41:18Joyce, I'm standing here on the streets of Quahog, where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law.

00:41:26I was going to bone my girlfriend, but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved, there was no way.

00:41:34Well, I think we just have to trust our elected officials, and Goldman's pharmacy is fully stocked on cough syrup, which goes great with ginger ale.

00:41:43Well, I do miss drinking, but I have used the time to reconnect with my children, and I'm actually thinking about resuming my actuarial practice.

00:41:50Oh my God, he's just been drunk this whole time?

00:41:53This new law sucks. I gotta say, it was kind of uncool of Mayor West to call it Peter's law.

00:41:58No kidding. Now I know how Megan from Megan's law felt.

00:42:02I don't think you know how she felt.

00:42:04I don't know why I didn't think of this before, guys. We'll just go into the brewery after hours and take some beer.

00:42:13Hey, buddy. It's okay. I work here.

00:42:15Aren't you the guy who cried in that meeting?

00:42:18Oh, yeah. You know, I just remembered there's no beer here. Let's just go.

00:42:22Peter, why'd you want me to get us into this prison?

00:42:27Because, Joe, everyone knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet. We are gonna get so wasted.

00:42:34Oh, look, right here. This one's full of Chardonnay.

00:42:37Peter, I don't think that's...

00:42:39But it was...

00:42:39I mean, can you imagine if you make a million bucks, you'll be happier than a guy on his wedding day?

00:42:44Thanks, everyone. Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, friends. Goodbye, free time. Farewell, sex. So long, golf on TV.

00:42:52I'll miss you, privacy. Goodbye, being honest about how many beers I've had. Nice knowing you, my own choices. See you later, money!

00:43:04Thanks for the ride, Brian.

00:43:06Yeah, and thanks for the lecture on what real music is, Mr. Griffin.

00:43:12Jeez, how many Snickers could they eat in a five-minute car ride?

00:43:16Ah, crap. Somebody left their gym bag.

00:43:18God, it would have been real easy to bring a gun in here.

00:43:23Where the hell'd they go?

00:43:29Whoops.

00:43:29Holy crap, that was Patty.

00:43:44She's got a smoking-hot body.

00:43:47This is a bigger surprise than when I found out Joe was a clown.

00:43:52I think that belongs to me.

00:43:54I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

00:43:58Okay.

00:43:59You won't tell anyone, will you?

00:44:01No.

00:44:02You can tell people.

00:44:09Hey, so how was the spa?

00:44:10Oh, it was fine.

00:44:12Now, I don't know why they made us face each other during the mother-daughter bikini wax.

00:44:16Did you two have a nice afternoon?

00:44:18Sure did.

00:44:18I made a million dollars.

00:44:20What?

00:44:21How?

00:44:21Carter sent a hundred thousand dollars to a Nigerian prince who's gonna give him a million.

00:44:26Oh, Peter, don't tell me you two fell for that scam.

00:44:29What?

00:44:29What are you talking about?

00:44:30It's the oldest email scam out there.

00:44:33The assets are frozen, you cover legal fees, blah, blah, blah.

00:44:37Oh, my God.

00:44:38He did say blah, blah, blah.

00:44:39You're never getting that money back.

00:44:41What?

00:44:42So that money's just been Josh Hartnetted?

00:44:44What's that?

00:44:44Gone.

00:44:45Disappeared.

00:44:45Never to be heard from again.

00:44:47Isn't he in that Showtime thing with the blood and the hats?

00:44:50Look, the point is, I was swindled.

00:44:52I guess so.

00:44:53Well, come on, Mom.

00:44:54The man was very specific that we need to go put lotion on each other.

00:44:59Jeez, I'm really sorry, Carter.

00:45:01But at least you have your health.

00:45:04Oh.

00:45:05You know, this is your fault.

00:45:07You're the one who said I should do it.

00:45:08Mm-hmm.

00:45:09There's that judginess Babs is always calling me and talking about.

00:45:12Look, nobody steals from Carter Pewterschmidt.

00:45:14I am going to Africa and get my money back.

00:45:17And you're coming with me.

00:45:18Africa?

00:45:19We're going to Africa?

00:45:20I wonder if it will change us.

00:45:22But of course, it did change us.

00:45:25I've been working here for 50 years pretending I'm a woman.

00:45:28Do you ever regret not having children, Mother Bernadette?

00:45:31Oh, I've had many children.

00:45:33We now return to Kevin James Got Too Fat to Be in Movies.

00:45:51Kevin James, why'd you have to come back to television?

00:45:54I ate Adam Sandler.

00:45:56Yo-hoo!

00:45:57I'm in here with the pizza.

00:46:02Okay, time to go to Africa and get my money back.

00:46:05Are you ready?

00:46:05I was born three months early.

00:46:08Peter, who's that at the door?

00:46:09Oh, just so you know, I didn't tell Lois where we're going and I couldn't be touched until I was two.

00:46:13Daddy, what are you doing here?

00:46:15Oh, hey, Lois.

00:46:16Carter and I are going away for the next week or so.

00:46:18You are?

00:46:19Where?

00:46:20Oh, uh, we're, uh, I mean, um, Pinterest.

00:46:25Wow, sounds great.

00:46:26Have fun.

00:46:27This is getting easier.

00:46:28Now I just say daytime mom words.

00:46:31Okay, so see you soon and Chablis, The View.

00:46:34Oh, you too, sweetheart.

00:46:35Bye.

00:46:39I gotta tell you something.

00:46:42I kissed Bonnie last night.

00:46:45What?

00:46:45I know, I know.

00:46:46It was a huge mistake.

00:46:47So let's just do two or three high fives and then forget it ever happened.

00:46:50Brian, if Joe finds out, he'll kill you.

00:46:52Yeah, no kidding.

00:46:53That's why you can't tell anybody.

00:46:54Promise me.

00:46:55Don't worry, don't worry.

00:46:56I'm great at keeping secrets.

00:46:57Well, except for that one time you discovered my hidden shame.

00:47:00Peter?

00:47:04Brian, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.

00:47:07I'm one of these guys now.

00:47:09I'm sorry, Brian.

00:47:11I'm sorry.

00:47:16Mrs. Porkhurst, I'm Meg, your new student volunteer.

00:47:20Oh, you must be my new student volunteer.

00:47:24Yeah, I just said that.

00:47:26What's your name, dear?

00:47:28It's Meg.

00:47:29Can I get a new person?

00:47:31Nonsense.

00:47:31Come in.

00:47:32And between you and me, I hate my new student volunteer.

00:47:36That ugly little Meg.

00:47:38She says she's a girl, but she certainly has a boy's body odor.

00:47:42Oh, come on in.

00:47:52Peter, Joe and Bonnie are here for game night.

00:47:55Game night?

00:47:56Yeah, I figured it was the least we could do since you pulled up a beheading video on your phone at their party and showed it to everyone.

00:48:02It was really more about how loud my phone can get.

00:48:04Peter, we're doing this.

00:48:05All right, but the operation game is out of battery, so I'll have to make the noise.

00:48:10You hear that?

00:48:11That's the sound of bad surgery.

00:48:16All right, I'm awesome at charades.

00:48:18Guys are going first.

00:48:19Okay, go.

00:48:21Uh, about a boy.

00:48:22Four weddings and a funeral.

00:48:24Uh, nine months.

00:48:26Notting Hill.

00:48:27Yes, it was Notting Hill.

00:48:28I'm going to go get more wine.

00:48:30Oh, hey.

00:48:34Uh, hi, Brian.

00:48:35Um, listen, about the other night.

00:48:38You haven't told anyone, have you?

00:48:39No, no, of course not.

00:48:41I was going to ask if you had.

00:48:43Hey, Brian, can you bring me up a snack?

00:48:45I'm supposed to be in bed.

00:48:46Look, the other night was great, but it was a mistake.

00:48:50You're right.

00:48:51Oh, man, what?

00:48:53Yeah, I mean, there's definitely some kind of connection between us, but...

00:48:57I felt it, too, but maybe in another life, huh?

00:49:02Yeah, I guess you're right.

00:49:03This could never work.

00:49:04Like porn movies before sound.

00:49:08Ugh.

00:49:09Ugh.

00:49:10Ugh.

00:49:11Ugh.

00:49:13Ooh.

00:49:15Oh, there you are.

00:49:16Come on, Bonnie, it's Joe's turn.

00:49:18Okay, here we go.

00:49:18Uh, uh, crippled guy.

00:49:21Uh, cheating wife.

00:49:22Uh, uh, cheating wife of a crippled guy.

00:49:25A dog.

00:49:26Something with a dog.

00:49:27Uh, dog kiss.

00:49:28I, I, uh, I think that's, uh, time.

00:49:30Your, your turn is over.

00:49:31Oh, sounds like, uh, sounds like dog kisses crippled guy's wife at your party.

00:49:36Wait, wait, I know it.

00:49:37The other night at your party, Brian kissed Bonnie.

00:49:39What?

00:49:40Bonnie, is this true?

00:49:42Oh, my God.

00:49:44I know, making out with a dog?

00:49:45Can you even imagine a woman who possibly does that for real?

00:49:57Uh, hi, Joe.

00:50:02Hi, Brian.

00:50:03Look, I want to apologize for what happened.

00:50:05I, I, I didn't mean to kiss Bonnie.

00:50:08Everybody had a little too much to drink.

00:50:10It, it just happened.

00:50:11I, I hope we're still cool.

00:50:13Hey, don't worry about it.

00:50:15It was a crazy party.

00:50:16We ran out of salsa.

00:50:18How do you run out of salsa?

00:50:21Anyway, we're good.

00:50:22Oh, really?

00:50:24Oh, thank God.

00:50:25I, I, I was worried you'd be mad.

00:50:27Mad at my buddy, Brian.

00:50:30Not a chance.

00:50:31Hey, is that your car?

00:50:35What?

00:50:35No!

00:50:36What's he doing?

00:50:37My car was parked legally.

00:50:38Hmm.

00:50:39I'm going to show you why you should never mail cash.

00:50:46Another good postal tip is if you wait to deliver your mail at night,

00:50:50you can smell a lot of really nice dinners.

00:50:52Oh, no, it's that Amazon drone.

00:50:55Try to ignore it.

00:50:57Hey, Cleveland, what are you doing?

00:50:58Taking a walk?

00:50:59No, I'm delivering mail.

00:51:01By foot?

00:51:02Yeah, that won't take too long.

00:51:04Well, gotta go.

00:51:05Gotta deliver these fat pants to your fat son.

00:51:09He was harsh, but not untruthful.

00:51:11We got a special order Cleveland Jr.'s pants from a company that manufactures grill covers.

00:51:16Thanks for coming over, Stewie.

00:51:23Oh, thanks for having me.

00:51:24Quite a place you've got here.

00:51:25Your mother seemed nice.

00:51:26Yeah, I've only met her a couple of times, but, yeah.

00:51:29This is my bedroom.

00:51:30Is that car bed a Bentley?

00:51:38And is that guy the driver?

00:51:39Ready for this evening's trip to Snooze Town, sir?

00:51:42Not yet.

00:51:43Sad story.

00:51:44He used to drive the bed for Michael Jackson's monkey.

00:51:47I've seen some terrible things.

00:51:49This is extraordinary.

00:51:50Oh, it's fine, I suppose.

00:51:52But you probably have even nicer things at your mansion.

00:51:55I'd love to come see it sometime.

00:51:56Oh, um, yes, yes, my mansion.

00:51:59Yes, you should come see my mansion, by all means.

00:52:02I mean, not right this minute.

00:52:03I have the U.S. men's wrestling team there.

00:52:06I'm gonna kill a wrestler, but then after that you should.

00:52:08I can't wait.

00:52:09Come on, let's go see if the maid brought her son so we can push him and he can't do anything.

00:52:14God, I like it here.

00:52:15But what am I doing?

00:52:16I don't have a fancy house.

00:52:18I'm living a lie, like FDR.

00:52:21And so I say to you, America, we are going to win this war.

00:52:25We are going to end this depression.

00:52:28And there's no reason to suspect that I cannot walk.

00:52:31God bless America.

00:52:37And cut.

00:52:38The newsreel's over.

00:52:39Thank you, Mr. President.

00:52:41You're welcome, gentlemen.

00:52:42Now, if you'd kindly kick me into the closet with the mops.

00:52:49Ah, must be a yell man.

00:52:52Shut up.

00:52:55Hello, loyal mailwoman.

00:52:59This is a letter to Hollywood saying keep it up.

00:53:02Movies are great.

00:53:05Cleveland, what should I do with this?

00:53:06It just says Hollywood USA.

00:53:09And this isn't a stamp.

00:53:10It's the little sticker from an apple.

00:53:11Oh, I can't never get those off.

00:53:13I just eat them.

00:53:14Anyway, just put it in here.

00:53:16What's that?

00:53:17It's the dead letter bin.

00:53:18It's all the stale mail what never got delivered for one reason or the other.

00:53:23Incomplete addresses.

00:53:24House at the top of a hill.

00:53:26Anyone who uses one of those French sevens with a slash in it.

00:53:30Well, this is horrible.

00:53:31I'm going to organize these.

00:53:32There might be some we could rescind.

00:53:34That's above and beyond, Lois.

00:53:35You know, you do the uniform proud like I like to think I'd...

00:53:39Oh, chili dog got me.

00:53:41Look at all these.

00:53:42This is a mess.

00:53:43Here's two that are stuck together.

00:53:46What the hell?

00:53:47This is from Peter.

00:53:52Who the hell is Gretchen Mercer?

00:53:54And this is postmarked a week before our wedding.

00:54:03Oh, there was a time when the president of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas fan club got a lot of mail.

00:54:16I don't know what to do, Bonnie.

00:54:18Why would Peter write a letter to another woman just before our wedding?

00:54:22Why don't you just open it and read it?

00:54:25What?

00:54:25That's a federal offense.

00:54:27I can't do that.

00:54:28Don't you realize as a postal employee, I'm 6,000 and fourth in line for the presidency?

00:54:33Well, then why don't you just deliver the letter and see for yourself who this Gretchen Mercer is?

00:54:37Bonnie, that's a great idea.

00:54:42Oh, I see you came with the big cheese.

00:54:45What?

00:54:46You?

00:54:47You're a big cheese?

00:54:48I usually bring a variety wheel of laughing cow cheese.

00:54:52Laughing cow.

00:54:53That's got to be a happy farm, right?

00:54:56Oh.

00:54:57Well, you just must be cracking up all the time hanging out with this one.

00:55:01Look, ma'am, I don't know what signals Joe is sending out, but I'm married.

00:55:06G49.

00:55:07Hey, and you're already on the board.

00:55:10You're a natural at this.

00:55:11Oh, and fair warning.

00:55:13When they call 069, I say, oh, my.

00:55:17Ooh, la, la.

00:55:19Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:55:20Yeah, really funny, Joe.

00:55:21Or how about this one?

00:55:23Oh, my God.

00:55:24I want to kill myself right now.

00:55:26All right, I got to get through this.

00:55:27I'm just going to go to my happy place.

00:55:29Go to your happy place, Peter.

00:55:33Oh, and you're wearing the necklace I gave you.

00:55:36Well, if I were you, I'd sure be excited.

00:55:39You're only one number away from having a bingo.

00:55:42I am?

00:55:43Wait, you mean if they call...

00:55:44074.

00:55:47Bingo!

00:55:51You were right, Joe.

00:55:52This is awesome.

00:55:53I've never won anything.

00:55:54Well, except for when I won that Tory spelling bee.

00:55:57Peter, your word is equine.

00:56:00Peter reached this round by accurately spelling collagen, repulsive, and botched.

00:56:10I can't believe you're still at work, Padma.

00:56:12It's like 2 in the morning.

00:56:13No, it is noon here.

00:56:14Do you not know about time zones?

00:56:16Oh, yeah, oh, that's right.

00:56:17You guys are on metric.

00:56:20Oh, you're in here?

00:56:21Yeah, I'm on the phone.

00:56:22Is, uh, is Chris down in the laundry room?

00:56:24Yeah, I think so.

00:56:25Okay, looks like this is going to be a stand or upper in the garage.

00:56:29Uh-oh, 6%.

00:56:30Better hustle.

00:56:31It's so nice to talk to you, Brian.

00:56:33You make me feel wonderful.

00:56:34God, if only you weren't so far away.

00:56:36I wish I could just somehow magically appear there and meet you in person.

00:56:40Oh, Brian, that would be like a dream.

00:56:42Okay, I should go.

00:56:43I have 11,000 people on hold.

00:56:45Goodbye, Padma.

00:56:47What the hell's going on?

00:56:48Somebody's screaming in the garage.

00:56:50Why are you still up?

00:56:51Because I'm in love.

00:56:52Oh, with that Indian chick?

00:56:54What was her name?

00:56:55Dot?

00:56:55No, it's not Dot.

00:56:56It's Padma.

00:56:57And I have to be with her.

00:56:59Stewie?

00:57:00I'm going to India.

00:57:01Oh my God, I'm going with you.

00:57:03My yoga class will be so jealous.

00:57:06Hey, everyone.

00:57:06The guy I told you about, Brian, is taking me to India.

00:57:10Oh my God!

00:57:11We finally made it, Brian.

00:57:34We're in India.

00:57:36Excuse me, man with no pupil?

00:57:37Where can we get a taxi cab around here?

00:57:40All right, let's do it, Stewie.

00:57:41Let's go find Padma.

00:57:43Shouldn't be hard in this dreamy land of wonder.

00:57:45I can already smell the enlightenment and tranquility.

00:57:48This is wonderful, isn't it, Brian?

00:57:57It's so tranquil, I'm tearing up.

00:57:59Come on, I think I see a cab with less than nine people in it.

00:58:08All right, it's winning time.

00:58:10Let's get this show on the road.

00:58:11After all, it's not called Bing Stop.

00:58:13It's called Bing Go.

00:58:16That's very clever.

00:58:17Yeah, and maybe if I win, I'll yell Bing Joe.

00:58:21Don't force it, Joe.

00:58:23Yeah, be quiet, Joe.

00:58:23Me and the gang are trying to hear our numbers.

00:58:25You and the gang?

00:58:26I'm the one who brought you here.

00:58:28Yeah, well, you know something?

00:58:29The Mayflower also brought fungus, which then became the potato famine.

00:58:32What the hell are you talking about?

00:58:34I don't know.

00:58:34I've had like four insures.

00:58:35I'm out of my mind.

00:58:36Peter, I brought you here to have fun, not take over.

00:58:39Look, Joe.

00:58:40Say something.

00:58:47And I turn around, and I don't know what happened to my wife.

00:58:50And now I'm all alone, and I'm just so scared.

00:58:52Okay.

00:58:53Do you want to go look for your wife, or you want me to finish the makeover?

00:58:57I guess we might as well finish up here.

00:58:59When I find her, I want her to go, wow.

00:59:05Lois?

00:59:07Lois!

00:59:08Lois!

00:59:08Is your wife named Lois, too?

00:59:12No, but I figured if she's banging a guy like you, I got a shot.

00:59:17Lois!

00:59:17Hey, what are you...

00:59:18Lois!

00:59:19Lois!

00:59:20Lois!

00:59:24Wait, wait, hang on a second, Shelby.

00:59:26I can't hear you over my brokers.

00:59:27Buy!

00:59:28Sell!

00:59:29Buy!

00:59:30Wow.

00:59:31Buying and selling?

00:59:32Yeah, yeah.

00:59:33Well, I'll see you Saturday.

00:59:34I better go.

00:59:35My helicopter's here.

00:59:36Fadoo, fadoo, fadoo, fadoo, fadoo.

00:59:38Are you still...

00:59:39By the way, you have no idea what a helicopter sounds like.

00:59:41Are you still keeping up this charade?

00:59:43Yeah, but it's perfect.

00:59:44Shelby's already off work, so I'll just grab the ring, and we can bring it back before they close.

00:59:51Huh.

00:59:51I know I left the ring right here.

00:59:53If you're referring to the ring that I thought was a lug nut, I ate it.

00:59:57What?

00:59:57Why would you eat a lug nut?

00:59:59I was dared.

01:00:00By who?

01:00:00By myself.

01:00:02I have low self-esteem.

01:00:03We should check in on this guy more.

01:00:05Oh my god, this can't be happening.

01:00:06Chris, that was a diamond ring.

01:00:08Do you know how expensive that was?

01:00:10I'm sorry, Brian.

01:00:11But don't worry.

01:00:12It'll come out of my body sooner or later.

01:00:14He's right.

01:00:14I ate a dime once.

01:00:16It became a manhole cover for like three days, but then pow!

01:00:19Okay, yeah, yeah.

01:00:20We just gotta force Chris to poop, that's all.

01:00:22Yay, I got a sleepover!

01:00:25I love you.

01:00:27You're loved.

01:00:32Attention, the Quahog Mall will be closing in five minutes.

01:00:36Well, I've looked everywhere.

01:00:38Maybe she left?

01:00:39Paul Blatt, if you're out there, I could sure use a miracle.

01:00:52Choo-choo!

01:00:54All aboard the Ladybug Express!

01:00:56But be careful, Peter.

01:00:57If this train slows to less than 50 miles an hour,

01:01:00then Sandra Bullock has to marry a neo-Nazi

01:01:03and act like she didn't know about it

01:01:04and then overcompensate by adopting a black kid.

01:01:08Ah!

01:01:09Help!

01:01:10Ah!

01:01:11Holy crap!

01:01:12Ah!

01:01:13Ah!

01:01:14Ah!

01:01:15Ah!

01:01:16Wait!

01:01:17Don't close the wall!

01:01:18Like an actual Amtrak train,

01:01:20this is dangerously out of control!

01:01:22That's legally defensible, by the way.

01:01:24On your screen is a list of actual rail diseases.

01:01:27Iligtas si Karen.

01:01:29Ako si Jomar.

01:01:31Wala akong ibang intensyon kundi puntahan ang girlfriend ko.

01:01:35Pero ngayong gabi, sa kapis,

01:01:38parang empyerno ang napuntahan ko.

01:01:41Gabi na nang makatanggap ako ng text mula kay Karen.

01:01:45Love, pumunta ka dito.

01:01:48Sa kapis.

01:01:49Please,

01:01:49wag ka na magtanong.

01:01:52Basta dumating ka.

01:01:54Nag-reply ako.

01:01:55Tumawag.

01:01:56Walang sagot.

01:01:58Hindi ko alam kung away ba ito.

01:02:00Emergency.

01:02:01O prank lang.

01:02:03Pero kilala ko si Karen.

01:02:05Hindi siya nagpaparamdam ng ganitong tono.

01:02:08Nag-desisyon ako.

01:02:10Nagbihis ako.

01:02:11Nilagay ko yung power bank sa bag,

01:02:13tsaka tubig,

01:02:14at konting cash.

01:02:15Ang ulan-ulan pa nga nung nagmotor ako palabas ng siyudad.

01:02:20Kapis.

01:02:21Naririnig ko lang yan sa mga kwento.

01:02:24Puro kababalaghan.

01:02:25Puro aswang.

01:02:27Puro kulto.

01:02:28Hindi ako naniniwala.

01:02:30Noon.

01:02:32Mga tatlong oras ang biyahe.

01:02:34Paglampas ko ng Roxas,

01:02:36papuntang barangay Dulawan.

01:02:38Nagsimulang magbago ang hangin.

01:02:40Tahimik.

01:02:42Parang wala ng ibang tao.

01:02:44Kahit jeep,

01:02:44trike,

01:02:45o motor.

01:02:46Wala.

01:02:47Mga bahay.

01:02:48Puro luma.

01:02:50Yung iba parang iniwan na.

01:02:52May simbolo sa mga pader na hindi ko maintindihan.

01:02:56Nag-stop ako sa tapat ng maliit na tindahan.

01:02:59Sarado na.

01:03:01Alas onse'y medya ng gabi.

01:03:03May lumapit na lalaki.

01:03:05Tingin ko nasa apat na pusya.

01:03:08Tahimik lang.

01:03:09Kuya,

01:03:10parangay Dulawan Bato.

01:03:12Tumangu siya.

01:03:14Kung wala kang sadya,

01:03:16huwag ka nang magtagal dito.

01:03:18May pupuntahan lang ako.

01:03:20Yung girlfriend ko.

01:03:22Tagarito raw dati.

01:03:24Wala na siyang sinabi.

01:03:26Umalis siya.

01:03:28Sinundan ko ang map na pinadala ni Karen.

01:03:31Bahay na may dilaw na gate.

01:03:33Malapit sa kapilya.

01:03:35Pagdating ko,

01:03:35may ilaw sa loob,

01:03:37pero walang tao sa labas.

01:03:39Karen,

01:03:41tawag ko mula sa labas.

01:03:43Tahimik.

01:03:44Pinuksan ko ang gate.

01:03:46Pumasok ako sa bakuran.

01:03:48May mga tuyong dahon sa lupa.

01:03:51Nilapitan ko ang pinto.

01:03:52Kumatok.

01:03:54Karen,

01:03:54nandito ako.

01:03:55May narinig akong yabag sa loob.

01:03:58Mabilis.

01:03:59Paakyat ng hagdan.

01:04:01Karen?

01:04:02Wala pa rin sagot.

01:04:04Pinuksan ko ang pinto.

01:04:06Hindi nakalak.

01:04:07Sa loob,

01:04:09amoy lumang kahoy.

01:04:10Tahimik.

01:04:11Ang tanging tunog lang ay

01:04:13yung pagtulong tubig mula sa sirang gripo.

01:04:17Pumasok ako.

01:04:19May mga lumang litrato sa dingding.

01:04:21Black and white.

01:04:23May isang frame na nasa baba.

01:04:25Pinulot ko.

01:04:26Si Karen,

01:04:28bata pa.

01:04:29Mga anim na taong gulang.

01:04:31Kasama niya ang matandang babaeng.

01:04:33Parang nakita ko na.

01:04:35Huwag mang hawakan yan.

01:04:38Lumingon ako.

01:04:39Isang matandang babae.

01:04:41Naka-duster maputla.

01:04:43Mahaba ang buhok.

01:04:45Pasensya na po.

01:04:46Nandito po ba si Karen?

01:04:48Anong pakay mo sa apo ko?

01:04:50Sabi ng matanda.

01:04:52Apo.

01:04:53Sagot ko.

01:04:55May message po siya sa akin.

01:04:57Pumunta raw ako dito.

01:04:59Andyan siya.

01:05:00Pero nagpapahinga.

01:05:03Bakit hindi po siya nagre-reply?

01:05:05Gusto ko lang po siyang makita.

01:05:08Gabi na.

01:05:09Hindi maganda sa bisita ang lumibot paghating gabi.

01:05:13Biglang narinig ko ang boses mula sa itaas.

01:05:16Mahina.

01:05:18Joe.

01:05:19Jomar.

01:05:20Tinignan ko ang matanda.

01:05:23Si Karen yun.

01:05:24Aakyat ako.

01:05:26Hinakbang ko ang hagdan.

01:05:28Hinarangan niya ako ng braso niya.

01:05:31Mainit ang balat niya.

01:05:32Pero basa.

01:05:34Amoy niya.

01:05:35Parang nabubulok.

01:05:37Karen.

01:05:38Sigaw ko.

01:05:38Umakyat ako.

01:05:41Naririnig ko ang ungol niya.

01:05:44Pagsilip ko sa kwarto.

01:05:46Nakatali siya sa poste ng kama.

01:05:48May sugat sa braso.

01:05:50Umiiyak.

01:05:51Jomar.

01:05:52Tulungan mo ko.

01:05:54May yabag mula sa ibaba.

01:05:57Hindi lang isa.

01:05:58Galing sa baba.

01:06:00Lumapit ako.

01:06:01Sinubukan ko siyang kalagan.

01:06:03Ang tali.

01:06:04Parang ginamitan ng trapo at kawayan.

01:06:08Bakit ka nandito?

01:06:09Tanong ko habang kinakalagan siya.

01:06:12Hindi siya sumasagot.

01:06:14Umiiyak lang.

01:06:15Biglang may kalabog sa bubong.

01:06:18Tapos may kumamot sa dingding.

01:06:19Ma'amino sa bintana.

[NoZoom] Family Guy Season 19 Episode 1 - Family Guy Full Episodes 2025 HD NoCuts

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