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Transcript
00:00:00All right, you guys, Jesus' birthday party is gonna be epic.
00:00:04Hey, since it's also Christmas, maybe we could make it like a Christmas theme.
00:00:07What about Secret Santa? That's always fun.
00:00:10Okay, but $5 limit.
00:00:12Why don't we just say no gifts?
00:00:13Come on, guys, we don't have to make such a big thing about it.
00:00:15It's not like I'm a woman who's about to turn 30.
00:00:18You guys, I don't care what we do for my birthday as long as it lasts the whole week
00:00:21and it's very expensive and inconvenient for all my friends.
00:00:24Oh, and I'm gonna dress like a slut and be rude to everyone for no reason.
00:00:28But, Maya...
00:00:29I don't care that your dad's dying. We're all going to Montreal for the week.
00:00:33Hold on, if we're planning a party, we haven't even talked about the most important thing.
00:00:37A hydration plan for people who overheat?
00:00:40It could be as simple as an ice bath.
00:00:42No, no, I'm talking about women.
00:00:43Oh, yeah, we definitely need some women here.
00:00:46Jesus, what kind of girls do you like?
00:00:47Women? Uh, all types, I guess.
00:00:50All types? Come on, Jesus, even Martin Lawrence when he used to dress up like Shanay-Nay?
00:00:55Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, Shanay-Nay!
00:00:57No, you know what I mean. Uh, like, uh, hot ladies. Horny ones who sex on you.
00:01:03What?
00:01:04Yeah, you know, they come back to your house and sit on your butt.
00:01:08Wait a minute. Jesus.
00:01:10Have you ever been with a woman?
00:01:13Are you...
00:01:14Are you a virgin?
00:01:15Yeah, I am.
00:01:18How the hell does that happen?
00:01:19Well, in high school, my best friend was this hot prostitute, and I just kind of got into
00:01:23the friend zone. She's all like, oh, there's all these guys having sex with me for money,
00:01:28and I'm all like, oh, you deserve better, and then I died.
00:01:30Well, sex is overrated.
00:01:32Stay out of this, Joe.
00:01:33All right, look, forget the party.
00:01:34We got a more important mission now. Your 2,000-year-long cold streak is about to come
00:01:39to an end.
00:01:40What do you mean?
00:01:41I'm saying, Jesus, we are gonna help you lose your virginity.
00:01:45God, I love sex.
00:01:47All right, me and the guys are off to help Jesus lose his virginity. Just put it in the
00:01:58oven for half an hour at 350.
00:02:00What?
00:02:00I don't know. That's what you always say when you leave the house.
00:02:03Oh, Peter, just be careful. Losing your virginity is a big deal. I'm sure Jesus doesn't want
00:02:08some gross quickie.
00:02:09No, no, no. It's gonna be nothing like that. Just some random slut to maul in a bar back
00:02:13where the payphones used to be.
00:02:14Peter, that's what I'm talking about. You're making this whole thing crude.
00:02:18It's his first time. You need to be more sensitive.
00:02:21Don't worry, Lois. I swear, I'll be sensitive and gentle like the Tasmanian devil tucking
00:02:25in his kids.
00:02:26All right, Jesus. These speed date nights are the best way to meet a lot of chicks fast.
00:02:53Now go get him.
00:02:54So where do you live?
00:02:55Everywhere. All places. Hopefully inside you.
00:02:59This is kind of embarrassing, but are you okay with someone who smokes?
00:03:03Oh, yeah. Are you okay with someone who wanders the desert lecturing people on how to act?
00:03:08So are you having a good Friday?
00:03:10Oh, is that supposed to be funny? Shut your mouth, bitch.
00:03:13How's the wine?
00:03:14It's terrific.
00:03:15That's my blood, you know.
00:03:16Where are you from?
00:03:18Israel.
00:03:22All right, Jesus. Nowadays, everything is done on the internet.
00:03:25All right? So we gotta get you on Facebook.
00:03:27Let me just close a couple of these windows.
00:03:29There we go. Sorry, I was up late last night.
00:03:32I had the house to myself. Sorry. Sorry.
00:03:35A lot of POV stuff.
00:03:36Yeah, I like to pretend it's mine down there. What's doing?
00:03:39I have nothing to be nervous about. This is going to be fun.
00:03:42Okay. Well, here goes.
00:03:47All right, Meg. While we take these, we can either play freeze frame or she works hard for the money.
00:03:52Which would you prefer?
00:03:53Can we play both?
00:03:55Sure.
00:03:55Well, that was a stupid idea. But you, you were phenomenal.
00:04:11You really think so?
00:04:12Here, have a look. I think these turned out great.
00:04:20Wait, Ben, are they all of my feet?
00:04:22Well, Meg, the thing is, my name's Evan, by the way, a lot of people will pay good money for pictures of sexy feet.
00:04:28Foot fetish porn sites are a huge business.
00:04:31But when you asked me to model, I thought you meant real modeling.
00:04:34This is real modeling, and you could be our next big star.
00:04:38Really? I don't know.
00:04:40Come on, it could be great. You'll meet lots of famous people, like Charles Barkley.
00:04:45Hi, Meg. You have nice feetses.
00:04:47I want to put them both in my mouth and then make a slapping sound on my bald head with them.
00:04:51We have a tranq gun if he gets rough.
00:05:06Meg! Why are you home so early?
00:05:08Yeah, I thought you were doing your modeling thing.
00:05:10I was.
00:05:11Wait, what? What's happening here?
00:05:12Well, not that it's any of your business, Meg, but this is why we've been married as long as we have.
00:05:17We do things together.
00:05:18You think 20 years just happens?
00:05:20No, it does not. Now, tell us fast about your nonsense so I can plow your mother on the staircase.
00:05:25Yeah, what kind of photo shoot was it?
00:05:27Did they take a picture of you eating a whole pizza pie next to an astonished chef?
00:05:32Actually, Evan thinks I'm a natural and that I'm going to be a huge success. He thinks I could be a famous model.
00:05:40You famous? Come on, Meg, your only chance at fame would have been as the dog on Frasier.
00:05:44Well, of course I respect my father. He's a vet.
00:05:48Woof!
00:05:48Not that kind of vet.
00:05:50So, where exactly are we going, anyway?
00:05:58Brian, I think the road has a way of telling you where you're going.
00:06:04There. Rhode Island Folk Festival. The road has spoken.
00:06:08Huh. That actually sounds kind of fun.
00:06:10See, Brian? This trip's already off to a great start.
00:06:13Certainly better than that retreat we went on with the Quahog Baptist Choir.
00:06:16Why don't we show our visitors how we sing what we see, y'all?
00:06:21Sing what we see. Sing what we see.
00:06:24Brother Roscoe, what do you see?
00:06:25Oh, I see Howard Johnson's billboard.
00:06:28Sing what you see.
00:06:29An old red bar that needs a paint job.
00:06:32Sing what you see.
00:06:33Oh, yeah.
00:06:34Boy in a truck too young to drive.
00:06:36Sing what you see.
00:06:37Brian!
00:06:38Oh, uh, uh, car?
00:06:40Aww.
00:06:41Come on.
00:06:42Let's just see what we see and keep it to ourselves.
00:06:46Hey, Evan.
00:06:51Oh, good, Meg, you're here.
00:06:52Grab a pair of dirty socks and meet me by the tub of dead mice.
00:06:56Actually, Evan, I've been thinking about this
00:06:58and I'm not sure being a foot fetish model's for me.
00:07:01What? You can't quit.
00:07:03You're an overnight sensation.
00:07:05I am?
00:07:08You got 35,000 views in one night
00:07:11and none of them got past the fourth picture.
00:07:13What does that mean?
00:07:15Oh.
00:07:15They love you.
00:07:16And look at these comments.
00:07:18Who is this?
00:07:19She's beautiful.
00:07:20A bunch of anti-Muslim stuff.
00:07:21Great feet.
00:07:22You're a hit, Meg.
00:07:24Wow, that's amazing.
00:07:26It's not often that anyone says anything nice about any part of me.
00:07:30But still, I don't know.
00:07:32It's porn.
00:07:33I never thought I'd do porn.
00:07:34I understand your apprehension, Meg.
00:07:37That's why I'm going to confuse you by calling...
00:07:39Is it possible you're not letting yourself be happy?
00:07:42Like you don't feel like you're worth it?
00:07:44No, that's not it.
00:07:46Hmm.
00:07:49Maybe your accomplishments don't feel real
00:07:51because your brother isn't here to see them.
00:07:54Maybe.
00:07:55That doesn't feel quite right either.
00:07:57Hmm.
00:07:58You don't want to outshine your father.
00:08:02Oh, my God.
00:08:03Oh, my God.
00:08:05Phew.
00:08:06I was damn near out of tweed.
00:08:07Okay, now see?
00:08:21She didn't say good morning to me.
00:08:23So I put an orange dot on her boarding pass,
00:08:25which means they're going to search her anus.
00:08:27I noticed you also circled a bunch of things on her ticket.
00:08:30Why did you do that?
00:08:31Because otherwise, the line moves too quickly.
00:08:33You see, the whole thing we're going for here at the TSA
00:08:36is a sort of bored fascism.
00:08:39Hmm.
00:08:39I think I can handle that.
00:08:41I did not tell you to approach!
00:08:43Great job!
00:08:44The worst thing a passenger can do
00:08:46is approach your podium before you tell them to.
00:08:48As bad as those 19 hijackers were,
00:08:50the people we see here every day are much worse.
00:08:53Boy, Larry, there's a lot to remember.
00:08:55I hope I don't screw something up.
00:08:57Trust me, you have nothing to worry about.
00:08:59You're basically unfireable.
00:09:01What do you mean?
00:09:01Come on, Meg.
00:09:02Look around.
00:09:03You're the hottest person who works here.
00:09:06Oh, wow.
00:09:10Now that you mention it,
00:09:11everybody does look kind of dumpy.
00:09:13That's not entirely their fault.
00:09:15They're all told to wear a pair of their dad's pants.
00:09:17Oh, speaking of which,
00:09:18tomorrow, bring in a pair of your dad's pants.
00:09:20Wow, I'm so excited for Brian.
00:09:27Remember, kids, if it's terrible,
00:09:28at the end, we all say,
00:09:30you did it.
00:09:31I can't believe we're going to the theater
00:09:32the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle.
00:09:35I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads?
00:09:37Boy, this takes me back.
00:09:39You know, I was kind of one of those theater kids in high school.
00:09:41Suddenly Seymour
00:09:44Suddenly Seymour
00:09:46He purified me
00:09:48He purified you
00:09:51Suddenly Seymour
00:09:53Suddenly Seymour
00:09:55This is Andrews.
00:09:57I pooped in the pot again.
00:09:59I'm going to need somebody to clean me up.
00:10:02It's really bad this time.
00:10:04Wow, what a turnout.
00:10:06Oh, hey, there's Glenn.
00:10:07Hey, guys.
00:10:08Hey, this is my date, Consuela.
00:10:09No, no, no.
00:10:12Okay, we're here as friends,
00:10:13but I'm going to change your mind one day.
00:10:19I'm so proud of Brian.
00:10:20It's hard to believe he's the same dog
00:10:22who barked at a pineapple for four hours.
00:10:24Close your purse.
00:10:25I can see your tampons.
00:10:27Then why do you need six?
00:10:28What happens to you?
00:10:30There's the man of the hour.
00:10:31Hey, Brian, can you believe I found this blazer
00:10:33on the side of the highway?
00:10:35Hey, guys.
00:10:35Thanks for coming.
00:10:36Big night, Brian.
00:10:37How you feeling?
00:10:38A little nervous.
00:10:39I just want it to go well.
00:10:41Fingers crossed.
00:10:42Will there be an intermission?
00:10:43Because that will determine whether or not
00:10:44I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater.
00:10:47This is unacceptable!
00:10:48Sorry, guys.
00:10:49I gotta go.
00:10:50They didn't put masking tape over a seat
00:10:51for Tom Tucker,
00:10:52and he's in there pitching a fit.
00:10:54Do you know who I am?
00:10:55I'm Tom Tucker, dammit!
00:10:56I make more in an hour
00:10:57than you make in two hours!
00:11:00Oh, the play's about to start.
00:11:03Mom, am I gonna fit in the seat,
00:11:04or is this gonna be like last time?
00:11:06This should tide you over for a while.
00:11:10I'll come back as soon as I can.
00:11:14She's not coming back, you know.
00:11:16How do you know that?
00:11:17Because she's my mom, too.
00:11:22Excuse me, that's my seat.
00:11:26We'll talk about this at home.
00:11:27Let's see, who's in this thing?
00:11:31Sad, nobody.
00:11:32Sad, sad, nobody.
00:11:34Victor Garber.
00:11:35That's pretty good.
00:11:36How did he get Victor...
00:11:37Of course, tonight is Randall Evan Battencourt.
00:11:40God, I hate understudies.
00:11:42King Louis XVI has been sentenced to death by guillotine.
00:11:47The part of King Louis XVI
00:11:49will be played by Jean de Menard.
00:11:53Relax, you're gonna do great.
00:11:55Nailed it.
00:12:04Well, as usual, this is gonna suck for one of us.
00:12:09Donna, it's Grant, your new husband.
00:12:11Hi, honey.
00:12:12I've got great news.
00:12:14What is it?
00:12:14First, where do we keep the good scotch?
00:12:17At your brother's house.
00:12:18I got an audition for the hottest new play...
00:12:23We now return to Jeopardy! presents
00:12:27The Best of Contestant Banter.
00:12:29So, Ben, it says here you have a connection to milk.
00:12:32Yes, funny story.
00:12:33I discovered recently that I have an allergy to milk.
00:12:36Oh, so I guess we won't be eating any cheese around you.
00:12:40And Dennis, you once spent a night in a tent?
00:12:43So, uh, what do you guys got planned for the weekend?
00:12:46I don't know.
00:12:46I might sit out in the front yard with a rake and wave at cars.
00:12:49Yeah, and I found a hole in my fence I was gonna maybe stick stuff through.
00:12:52God, look at us.
00:12:53How'd we become so dull and pathetic?
00:12:55You're right.
00:12:56I mean, we used to have hobbies.
00:12:58Remember when I was a horse whisperer?
00:12:59That's right.
00:13:09I bet you're hungry.
00:13:11It's okay.
00:13:14I calmed you down, you f***ing horse.
00:13:17Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.
00:13:20Hey, now that's a good idea, Joe.
00:13:22All right, okay, I have two ideas.
00:13:23One that I think is awesome and one that I think is stupid.
00:13:26See if you can guess which one is which.
00:13:27We could either A, rob a mafia poker game, or B, skydive.
00:13:34Skydiving, huh?
00:13:35I'd be totally up for that.
00:13:36Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving.
00:13:38Really?
00:13:39Eh, it could be fun, I guess.
00:13:41Besides, I haven't done anything new since I learned how to use a palm frond.
00:13:44So, do I try to match your speed?
00:13:46Yeah, just match my speed.
00:13:48And do we stagger our waves or do them at the same time?
00:13:50Um, they should have covered this in orientation.
00:13:52Guards, have the new guy executed.
00:13:55Am I the new guy?
00:13:57All right, we're almost at our jumping altitude.
00:14:02Does anyone have any questions?
00:14:04Yeah, I got one.
00:14:04Can I listen to my iPod on the way down?
00:14:06Of course.
00:14:07Just as long as it's not Tom Petty's free-fallen.
00:14:10I'll just keep it in my pocket.
00:14:11Any other questions?
00:14:12Let's do this!
00:14:13That wasn't a question.
00:14:14Back of the line.
00:14:17Okay, let's do this!
00:14:18Hey!
00:14:19Hey!
00:14:21Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?
00:14:22Yeah, it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.
00:14:25Get off my plane!
00:14:27Get off my plane!
00:14:29Get off my plane!
00:14:31Oh, look!
00:14:32He even brought Callista Flockhart with him.
00:14:34Ah, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.
00:14:36Good, because she looks fat.
00:14:38Get off my plane!
00:14:39Get off my plane!
00:14:41Get off my plane!
00:14:43All right!
00:14:44Yeah, this is amazing!
00:14:46I know, it's unbelievable!
00:14:48Hey, guys, let's try to recreate this feeling for the rest of our lives with drugs.
00:14:55Well, it looks like it's almost time for us to pull our cords.
00:14:58Wait, wait, guys, how about this?
00:15:00Last one to open their chute gets 20 bucks.
00:15:03Okay.
00:15:03I'm in.
00:15:04Oh, damn it!
00:15:11I'm dead already, Peter.
00:15:13You're looking at a dead man.
00:15:14I might not even pull the cord at all.
00:15:22Holy crap, this is awesome!
00:15:24Good afternoon, Quahog.
00:15:30Our top story, price wars, are heating up between all of the major airlines and even
00:15:34a couple of the little crashy ones.
00:15:36We now go live to Trisha Takenawa with more on the story.
00:15:39Tom, I'm standing here at Boston's Logan Airport, where some of the same security people
00:15:44who let the terrorists on the plane are still gainfully employed.
00:15:48With such low fares, even those who never fly are lining up to buy tickets.
00:15:53Early reports suggest that this could be the most profitable day for airlines in the last
00:15:59two decades.
00:16:00I'm Trisha Takenawa.
00:16:01Back to you, Tom.
00:16:02Hi, Mom.
00:16:04Hi, Joe.
00:16:05Wow, Peter, did you hear that?
00:16:07Low air fares.
00:16:08Why don't we take a trip?
00:16:09We never go anywhere anymore.
00:16:11We're getting stagnant.
00:16:12What are you talking about?
00:16:13We go places.
00:16:14We took that helicopter tour of Tucson.
00:16:16Wow, I've never seen so many boats not near bodies of water.
00:16:20That park is all concrete.
00:16:22Look, there's a dog tied to our other dog.
00:16:26I think that guy with long hair is a lawyer.
00:16:28Look at all those students running for their lives.
00:16:31Oh, there's the concrete park again.
00:16:33Peter, I'm talking about real travel.
00:16:36We can finally afford to go somewhere good.
00:16:38Joe and Bonnie went to Europe and had the time of their lives.
00:16:41Hey, I know a place you can go, Lois.
00:16:43Hell, there, I said it.
00:16:44Now shut your mouth.
00:16:45Lois, I hate traveling.
00:16:47Besides, my passport picture is awful.
00:16:48Ugh, you look like a human cigarette.
00:16:54But it's not just about you, Peter.
00:16:56Think about the family.
00:16:57It would be an amazing experience for the kids.
00:16:59It would give them some culture.
00:17:01Lois, the kids can get all the culture they need right here in Quahog.
00:17:04Really?
00:17:05More culture than Europe?
00:17:06That's right, and I'm gonna prove it to you.
00:17:08I got more culture in my pinky toe than all of Europe put together.
00:17:11Oh, my God.
00:17:28I got ringworm, too, but it's not classy like this.
00:17:33Okay, kids, now this is the Quahog Museum of Science,
00:17:37a magical place of cultural exploration.
00:17:39That sucked.
00:17:54Now, one thing that makes us more cultured than our European counterparts
00:17:57is high school football.
00:17:59Then why are we standing here in the parking lot?
00:18:01Because sometimes your team loses, and you have to beat up the ref.
00:18:06What part of Eatonville are you from, huh?
00:18:08What part of Eatonville are you from?
00:18:09Oh, West Eatonville.
00:18:11Oh, really?
00:18:12West Eatonville?
00:18:12Do you know Bob Hanley?
00:18:13I'm Bob Hanley.
00:18:14No kidding.
00:18:15Bob, it's me, Peter Griffin.
00:18:17Oh, my God.
00:18:18How the hell are you?
00:18:19I'm doing great.
00:18:20I'm doing great.
00:18:21Hey, listen.
00:18:22I was really sorry to hear about your dad.
00:18:24Oh, that...
00:18:24We now return to Home Alone with Competent Robbers.
00:18:36Hey, be careful.
00:18:37There's cars on the floor here.
00:18:38Thanks.
00:18:39That's weird, huh?
00:18:40Yeah, the doorknob was really hot, but I just let go instead of holding onto it.
00:18:44And there's some ice on the stairs to the basement, so I guess just don't go down there.
00:18:48Just so you guys know, I have a tarantula.
00:18:53Well, now there are no witnesses.
00:18:55Come on, everybody.
00:18:56Let's go to the mall.
00:18:58It's time for the Christmas carnival.
00:19:00It's Stewie's first Christmas.
00:19:02Again?
00:19:03I love the Christmas carnival!
00:19:06Chris, calm down.
00:19:07You're giving yourself a nosebleed.
00:19:09You know, the best thing about the Quahog Mall is going into Tiffany's and doing everything
00:19:13possible to make them think I might actually buy something.
00:19:16Oh, this is lovely.
00:19:18Just lovely.
00:19:18How much is this?
00:19:19$1,200.
00:19:21Great.
00:19:22Great.
00:19:22That's all?
00:19:23And how late do you open this evening?
00:19:24Until seven.
00:19:25Perfect.
00:19:26Perfect.
00:19:26And you accept credit cards and cash?
00:19:29Yes.
00:19:29And what's your name?
00:19:30I want to make sure you get credit for this sale.
00:19:32Evan.
00:19:32Oh, that's a great name.
00:19:34Oh, and these watches here, if I wanted to get 11 of them for different groomsmen, could
00:19:38they each get engraved individually?
00:19:40Yes.
00:19:41And you do that on site?
00:19:42Yes.
00:19:43Fantastic.
00:19:44Now, the groomsmen's names are Blake, Hayden, Edgar, Blake D., Elliot, Milo, Cooper.
00:19:50Why aren't you writing any of these down?
00:19:52You're wearing Sparrow wrappers for shoes, sir.
00:19:56There may have been a trade.
00:20:02Hey, nice outfit.
00:20:08Fancy pair of shoes, too.
00:20:10Do you only use adjectives sarcastically?
00:20:13Great question, smart guy.
00:20:16What the hell?
00:20:17Where's all the decorations?
00:20:18And a big Christmas tree.
00:20:19Oh, look, there's Santa.
00:20:20Pay that now.
00:20:21That's a hell's angel.
00:20:23What do you want?
00:20:24Meth?
00:20:25Okay.
00:20:26There's no Christmas carnival, Dad.
00:20:28You seem to know a lot about this, Meg.
00:20:29What did you do?
00:20:30No Christmas carnival?
00:20:32Whoever's responsible for this shall suffer my eternal wrath.
00:20:35Heh.
00:20:36Who's this guy?
00:20:37Tough-tone selling curly-toed shoes.
00:20:39Leave me alone.
00:20:40Why don't you go bother the cologne salesman at Macy's?
00:20:43I want something I could wear on the street that a broad can smell on a fire escape.
00:20:47There's gotta be an explanation for this.
00:20:50Let's ask that security guard who has everything on his belt except a gun.
00:20:54Excuse me, sir?
00:20:55It's officer.
00:20:56No, it's not.
00:20:57It's barely, sir.
00:20:59Yeah, I know.
00:20:59Where is the Christmas carnival?
00:21:02Canceled.
00:21:02I don't know why.
00:21:03I'm just a small cog in this operation.
00:21:06You hear that, Dad?
00:21:07You're not the only one around here with a small cog.
00:21:09I told you that in confidence, Chris.
00:21:12Daddy, where's Santa?
00:21:14Was he killed by Muslims?
00:21:16Oh, my God.
00:21:17Poor Stewie.
00:21:18He's so disappointed.
00:21:20Of course he is, Lois.
00:21:21I feel the same way.
00:21:22How come every time I'm feeling happy, somebody's gotta come along and ruin it?
00:21:30The Travel Channel presents Backpacking Through Europe with a Bow-Legged Man in Short Shorts.
00:21:36Hello.
00:21:37Come.
00:21:37Let's see some beautiful sights together.
00:21:39Hello, tree.
00:21:40Thank you for shade.
00:21:42Hello, mountain cat.
00:21:43Thank you for controlling local rat population.
00:21:46Hello, windmill.
00:21:47Thank you for the cheese ride and ball cooling.
00:21:50Next week, bullet trains.
00:21:53Hello!
00:21:55Hey, Dad.
00:21:56Are you busy?
00:21:57I was thinking we could spend some time together.
00:22:00Okay.
00:22:00Are you a television set or the internet?
00:22:03No.
00:22:04Oh, then no.
00:22:04No, thank you.
00:22:05Are you sure?
00:22:06Because there's a three-day weekend coming up, and I thought maybe you and I could finally
00:22:10go fishing like we've been talking about.
00:22:12Oh, sorry, Chris.
00:22:13I can't.
00:22:13I got insanity practice.
00:22:15Ah!
00:22:16Ah!
00:22:16Ah!
00:22:17Pinwheels!
00:22:18Pinwheels in my head!
00:22:19Voices!
00:22:19Angry fish!
00:22:20How's he doing?
00:22:21Not good.
00:22:22He still thinks this is practice of some sort.
00:22:25But you promised we'd go fishing.
00:22:28Ah, Chris.
00:22:29I was just lying to you so you'd go away.
00:22:31But if you leave me alone now, I'll give you a billion dollars.
00:22:34You've got a deal.
00:22:36Peter, you know, it might help Chris to be able to spend some time with his father.
00:22:40Well, what's in it for old Pete?
00:22:41He's your son.
00:22:42Don't you want someone to bond with?
00:22:44No.
00:22:44I only form unspoken bonds.
00:22:50Ah!
00:22:52Hit me with your best shot.
00:22:55Why don't you hit me with your best shot?
00:22:59Hit me with your best shot.
00:23:02Fire away.
00:23:05Come on!
00:23:08No!
00:23:08No!
00:23:08Oh!
00:23:13Okay.
00:23:13I'll talk to you later.
00:23:15Bye.
00:23:15You guys, that was my mom.
00:23:17She said that daddy broke his leg.
00:23:19How?
00:23:20Apparently, he got hurt at the mall.
00:23:22Carter, please stop doing that.
00:23:25We need to get you some new corduroys.
00:23:27No!
00:23:27None of the other boys are wearing corduroys.
00:23:29I want dungarees.
00:23:30You're going to get hurt doing that.
00:23:32No, I'm not.
00:23:33I'm the champ at doing this.
00:23:35Ow!
00:23:36You jinxed me!
00:23:37Aw, damn it.
00:23:38Hey, call that beeping cart that carries around the fat black people.
00:23:42Well, I guess Babs has her work cut out for her.
00:23:44Actually, Mom can't take care of him.
00:23:46She's out of town doing a photo shoot for the cover of Vane's magazine.
00:23:50So, are you going to go take care of him, Mom?
00:23:55I can't go.
00:23:56I've got to go get my hair very minutely changed and then spend the next 14 hours trying to
00:24:00get people to notice.
00:24:04Well?
00:24:05Lois, move.
00:24:06You're blocking the TV.
00:24:08What do you think?
00:24:09I think you're blocking the TV.
00:24:11Peter, is there anything you want to say to me?
00:24:14All right.
00:24:15Amy at work kissed me.
00:24:17It is true that I did not step away, but I did not lean in.
00:24:20However, in my defense, she had...
00:24:22All right.
00:24:30Who's ready for a little tailgating?
00:24:31Hey, Brian, toss me a cold one.
00:24:32Nothing better than a 7 a.m. beer and an unbrushed mouth.
00:24:39Peter, I don't want you drinking too much.
00:24:41You're driving us all home.
00:24:42Lois, I know how many beers I can drink and still be able to drive.
00:24:45I figured it out.
00:24:56Seven.
00:24:59Six.
00:24:59Six.
00:25:02Hey, Cleveland.
00:25:05What are you doing back in town?
00:25:06Just back up here for my monthly haircut.
00:25:09When a black man finds a barber, it's for life.
00:25:12Oh, my God.
00:25:13There's the CEO of my company.
00:25:15Now's my chance to impress him.
00:25:16Hey, Mr. Carlyle.
00:25:17Check this out.
00:25:22That's what I can do for the company.
00:25:24Really?
00:25:25Can you do other things for the company?
00:25:27No, no, no.
00:25:28I don't want to be promoted that way.
00:25:29I want to be promoted to shooting hawks with a crossbow weight.
00:25:32The NFL experience.
00:25:36That sounds cool.
00:25:38Kid, you're the best.
00:25:39Sign with me and you're going to make millions.
00:25:40Griffin, get out there.
00:25:42Ow!
00:25:42It's his knee.
00:25:43Doc?
00:25:44You'll never play football again.
00:25:45Too bad, kid.
00:25:46You was going to buy me a house.
00:25:49Now I have headaches.
00:25:50I'm going to save my brain for science.
00:25:52Come on, guys.
00:25:55It's game time.
00:25:56Yeah, Patriots!
00:25:57All right.
00:25:58This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever.
00:26:00Except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week.
00:26:03Okay, my great-uncle wears a ski hat all the time.
00:26:06Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi.
00:26:11Hey, where's the monkey rabbi?
00:26:13Here's your Torah.
00:26:14You'll be here on Tuesday at 9.
00:26:15Check in with Shirley.
00:26:16You're going to need me this week?
00:26:18Ah, maybe.
00:26:18Maybe Friday.
00:26:19Now, where are the gays?
00:26:20Over here.
00:26:21No, no, no.
00:26:21The really cartoony gays.
00:26:23Yoo-hoo!
00:26:24There you are.
00:26:25We're going to need you guys all week.
00:26:32Okay, Brian, so what are the rules?
00:26:34What?
00:26:34Rules?
00:26:35What are the rules?
00:26:35How do you make points?
00:26:36Oh, no.
00:26:37Come on, we're here.
00:26:38Just give me the Cliff Notes version.
00:26:39Like, who's the guy with the football ball?
00:26:42It's just called a football.
00:26:43Okay, okay.
00:26:44Short-hand lingo.
00:26:45I like it.
00:26:46I like it.
00:26:46Now, I see some elements of Red Rover with a little bit of spud mixed in.
00:26:50And is anyone ever going to blow a raspberry on the quarterback's belly?
00:26:54No, Stewie, that never happens.
00:26:55Down goes Brady.
00:26:56And it looks like Williams is pulling up his shirt and having a little fun with his tummy.
00:27:00Oh, look, he's doing it.
00:27:02Ah, this is my favorite part of the game.
00:27:04When two drunk guys each holding a baby get into a fist fight.
00:27:07You're stupid.
00:27:09No, you're stupid.
00:27:11Oh, now their wives are getting into it.
00:27:12They're going to put their cigarettes in their mouths and bump boobs.
00:27:15You got no class, you bitch!
00:27:17No, you got no class!
00:27:19And now here comes security to kick out the wrong person.
00:27:25Peter, what are you doing?
00:27:27I'm watching this awesome show, Brian.
00:27:28See, they took all these colors, and they're making them all live together in a beach house.
00:27:32Now the red one is sleeping with the green one, and the blue one thinks he's going to have a career in music.
00:27:37And the yellow one is just a total bitch.
00:27:40Peter, that's just a channel that's gone off the air.
00:27:42And we'll be right back with more Color Bar Beach House after these messages.
00:27:47Oh.
00:27:48Peter, for God's sake, did you eat this entire roll of raw cookie dough?
00:27:51Oh, was that what that was?
00:27:52I thought it was a raisin sausage.
00:27:54Peter, you're going to get sick.
00:27:56You can't just eat raw food out of the fridge.
00:27:58Yeah, calm down.
00:27:59People make mistakes.
00:28:00Just look at the original design for the first hybrid car.
00:28:03Eric, we love the car.
00:28:05We only want to change one thing.
00:28:07Is it the rapist sign?
00:28:09Yes, it is the rapist sign.
00:28:10I quit.
00:28:14So, as you can see, our quarterly output is up one and a half percent.
00:28:19That's not net.
00:28:20I'm talking gross.
00:28:21You do everything gross.
00:28:23We're predicting another two percent growth in the quarter...
00:28:27Stupid, boring meeting.
00:28:28I don't even want to be here.
00:28:30I'd rather be home doing dramatic garage door reveals.
00:28:53Continue to be available for those...
00:28:54What was that?
00:28:58Oh, that doesn't feel right.
00:29:00Oh, man.
00:29:01I think that cookie dough was fighting that taco I found in the parking lot.
00:29:05I just hope I can hold it in until the meeting's over.
00:29:07And now, 23 minutes of silence for the 23 workers who drown in the vats this year.
00:29:15Oh, God.
00:29:16It hurts.
00:29:17It hurts.
00:29:18Of course it hurts, Griffin.
00:29:19They were good men.
00:29:20All of them.
00:29:21I can't hold it in.
00:29:22You don't have to, Griffin.
00:29:24Let it out.
00:29:25That's what we're here for.
00:29:27This was supposed to be 23 minutes of silence, and there's kind of a lot of conversation going on.
00:29:31Yeah!
00:29:33Hey, Peter.
00:29:34My kid's selling Girl Scout cookies, and we're collecting for Janet's pregnancy.
00:29:37Softball sign-up?
00:29:39Trick-or-treat for Unicef?
00:29:40Oh, get in for Ed's retirement date?
00:29:42Holiday party?
00:29:44Whoa!
00:29:45Company picnic?
00:29:46Secret set?
00:29:47Carpool info?
00:29:47Oh, finally!
00:29:50Now I can get myself to the...
00:29:51Uh-oh!
00:30:01Oh, man.
00:30:01Now everyone's gonna remember me for this.
00:30:03I wanted to be remembered for my achievement in film.
00:30:06This hunting trip is long overdue.
00:30:30Yeah.
00:30:30I mean, it's just too bad that all the animals are so spread out, you know?
00:30:33I mean, wouldn't it be awesome if they were all grouped together, like in a cafeteria,
00:30:38and you could just go in there with a trench coat and just waste them?
00:30:41Well, maybe I can stir up some quail or pheasant with my patented bird calls.
00:30:46Birds!
00:30:46Quail!
00:30:47Pheasant!
00:30:48Come on out!
00:30:48I'm a bird of the opposite sex who's interested in mating!
00:30:53Oh, did you hear that?
00:30:54We're gonna get laid!
00:30:56Billy, Billy, come on.
00:30:58Don't be stupid.
00:30:58Should have taken the shot, fat ass.
00:31:16Hey, Peter, you got your safety on, right?
00:31:22Yeah, of course.
00:31:23Okay, because your gun is pointing right at me.
00:31:25What, you want me to pull the trigger and prove it to you?
00:31:26No, I just want to make sure your safety's on.
00:31:29Here, see, Quagmire?
00:31:30Safety's on.
00:31:31Now, this is a gun without a safety.
00:31:34Quite the difference, huh?
00:31:35Damn it, Peter, you son of a bitch!
00:31:37You shot me!
00:31:38Oh, my God, Peter, that might be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
00:31:41No, the dumbest thing I ever did was open that can of whoop-ass.
00:31:49Lois, why did you buy this?
00:31:51It was on sale!
00:31:56A writer who inherits a magic typewriter that writes for him, but then it turns out the
00:32:05typewriter is racist?
00:32:08Totally makes sense.
00:32:09Older technology, older worldview.
00:32:12And that is a good day.
00:32:13I earned some banana bread.
00:32:15Oh, crap.
00:32:18It's Dylan.
00:32:19Dylan?
00:32:20Your son?
00:32:21I haven't heard you mention him in ages.
00:32:22Yeah, I decided to step away from the whole situation.
00:32:26The last thing he needs is a father who's, you know, sometimes there, sometimes not.
00:32:31Really?
00:32:31When was the part when you were there?
00:32:33Hey, if I click ignore, will he know that I'm sending him to voicemail?
00:32:36Hey, Dylan!
00:32:37Hey, it's Stewie!
00:32:39Yeah, I'm right here with your dad!
00:32:42Hey, hey, Dylan!
00:32:44Hey, Dad!
00:32:45I know we haven't talked in a while, but I'm calling because I'm on my way to Quahog.
00:32:49Oh, really?
00:32:50When are you getting here?
00:32:52Tuesday!
00:32:52Oh, don't say Tuesday.
00:32:53Oh, I'm at the, I'm at the, I'm out at the project all day.
00:32:57Oh, hands on, indispensable.
00:32:59They need me there, so.
00:33:01Wow.
00:33:02Rats.
00:33:03Bummer.
00:33:03I can cover for you at the project, Brian.
00:33:05Go see your boy.
00:33:07Dad, who's your co-worker?
00:33:08He sounds nice.
00:33:09He's widely disliked here, but I'll meet you Tuesday at the coffee shop.
00:33:12Sounds great.
00:33:13I'll see you then.
00:33:14Okay.
00:33:15Bye.
00:33:16See?
00:33:17Don't you feel better?
00:33:18You're going to go to that lunch.
00:33:19You're going to reconnect with your son.
00:33:20It'll be great.
00:33:23We now return to VH1's Behind the Music, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
00:33:28It must have been around 1979 when animals started snorting crushed up pieces of felt.
00:33:34Got pretty ugly.
00:33:35Me had big problem before me found God.
00:33:38He, like, threw me down and he said,
00:33:40I hope your puppeteer has big hands because I'm not using lube.
00:33:43Me no remember that, but me believe it happened.
00:33:48I got it.
00:33:51Huh.
00:33:51Says Glenn Quagmire.
00:33:53But if you squint and imagine it says Peter Griffin, it says Peter Griffin.
00:33:57Peter, it's Quagmire's.
00:33:58Take it next door.
00:33:59Now, now, hold on, Lois.
00:34:00Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma.
00:34:03Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner, or do I open it up and see if it contains
00:34:07He-Man's?
00:34:08Do not open that box.
00:34:09You know, Lois, physicists believe there are two alternate universes.
00:34:13One in which I don't open the box, and one in which I do.
00:34:16I'm not gonna open the box.
00:34:18I'm gonna open the box.
00:34:21Oh, sweet.
00:34:22It's a whip.
00:34:23Peter, be careful with that thing.
00:34:25Remember, we're renting this house.
00:34:27That's depressing.
00:34:28Wow.
00:34:29I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.
00:34:33You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom.
00:34:37Why are you looking at me like that?
00:34:39Peter, would you like a glass of...
00:34:41Oh, my God!
00:34:42I told you not to play God with those ants!
00:34:49All right, Meg, stay incredibly still.
00:34:51I'm gonna whip that cigarette out of your mouth, and maybe not slice your face in half.
00:34:55Dad, I don't want to do this.
00:34:57Stay still!
00:34:58Okay, that's pretty cool, too.
00:35:01Hey, Dad, that's a cool whip.
00:35:03Ah!
00:35:04I thought you couldn't understand me!
00:35:18Okay.
00:35:21I'm doing my very best!
00:35:25Thanks.
00:35:25That was way too much heat on my neck.
00:35:27Oh, a message from Joe.
00:35:34Hey, Cleveland, I just wanted to give you a heads up that Peter has a whip, because, well,
00:35:39you know, given your racial heritage, it seems like something you might want to keep an eye
00:35:44out for.
00:35:46Grape Soda Graham.
00:35:47I know this is very risky, but the upside is so good, I'm taking it!
00:35:56We now return to the Outlaw Josie Whales.
00:36:00Should we bury him?
00:36:01Nah, leave him for the buzzards.
00:36:03I like that guy.
00:36:05Oh, boy, here comes Harry.
00:36:07He thinks no one will notice he got his neck done.
00:36:09Hey, fellas, I'm back from that family wedding.
00:36:12Ugh.
00:36:14Hey, what you watching?
00:36:15The Outlaw Josie Whales.
00:36:16It's a Western.
00:36:17Ah.
00:36:17When do the cowboys go into the tent, lick their palms, and have sex with each other?
00:36:21Different kind of Western.
00:36:26Peter, you promised me you would do the dishes.
00:36:28Well, I was doing the dishes for a while, but they were inexperienced, so I ended up having
00:36:32to rub one out.
00:36:33Where in the hell did you get the idea that that's what I meant by doing the dishes?
00:36:37From dirty Amelia Bedelia?
00:36:40Almost done vacuuming the rug!
00:36:42Damn it, Peter, you're making me crazy.
00:36:45Well, you know what?
00:36:46Sounds like you need some counseling.
00:36:48Maybe you should go talk to Cleveland.
00:36:49Cleveland?
00:36:50Why would I talk to Cleveland?
00:36:51He's a therapist now, and he's really great at helping people with their problems.
00:36:55Oh, I see.
00:36:56You want me to tell your best friend my complaints about you so he can back you up.
00:37:01The new maid is peeing on me, and she didn't even say anything clever about it.
00:37:05Look, you're the one who said you were going crazy.
00:37:07Just talk to him.
00:37:07He's all about helping people get well, just like Doc Martens.
00:37:11So, how are you feeling today?
00:37:13Terrible.
00:37:14I've got blurry vision, I feel cold and clammy, and the nurse told me there's blood in my stool.
00:37:19Have you tried wearing a lesbian shoe?
00:37:22What?
00:37:22Put this man down for a pair of lesbian shoes.
00:37:27Huh.
00:37:28High fever, weight loss, and extreme respiratory difficulty.
00:37:31Let's have this man intubated and fit with a pair of lesbian shoes.
00:37:34Hey, are you the next crazy person?
00:37:42Um, I guess so.
00:37:43I've been pretty depressed since my wife died.
00:37:46I'm sorry, I'm trying to read the Costco connection here.
00:37:49There they are.
00:37:50All right, since you're a patient, we're gonna talk about you like you're not here.
00:37:53You get all of us squawking out, Doc?
00:37:55Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem.
00:37:57Didn't we, Lois?
00:37:59Absolutely.
00:38:00All right, let's dope her up good.
00:38:01Turn that mouth off.
00:38:02No, Peter, the problem is you.
00:38:05What?
00:38:06What the hell are you doing?
00:38:07You're supposed to be my friend.
00:38:08Dr. Brown, I just killed nine people.
00:38:13Ah, I mean, I have ducks on my feet.
00:38:16Old, crazy, harmless mayor.
00:38:18Quack, quack.
00:38:26How can Cleveland say I'm the problem?
00:38:28All I do is sit in the bathroom and play on my phone.
00:38:31Swipe, wipe, swipe, wipe, wipe, swipe.
00:38:35Uh-oh.
00:38:36That's a perfect example.
00:38:38You put no effort in...
00:38:39I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died.
00:38:44Don't make light of that.
00:38:47Ah!
00:38:48Ah!
00:38:49Ah!
00:38:50Ah!
00:38:52Holy crap, we gotta get out of here.
00:38:56Oh, man, the library.
00:38:58White Fang, this is for ruining my 8th grade summer.
00:39:04Ah!
00:39:05Ah!
00:39:05Ah!
00:39:05Ah!
00:39:18They ruined my summer, too.
00:39:20Oh, hey, Bri.
00:39:28Still sitting in chairs, huh?
00:39:30What'd your back ever do to you?
00:39:32I'm trying to watch.
00:39:33Know what I'm watching?
00:39:34My core.
00:39:35Your body and mind are supposed to be on the same team.
00:39:37Sitting on the hard floor is good for your back, too.
00:39:43Coming up, female high school teacher sleeps with her students.
00:39:46Is she hot?
00:39:47Stay tuned.
00:39:48But first, the public library suffered damage this evening when an area fat man smashed through
00:39:53the front of the building while attempting a drunken stunt.
00:39:55The bus station is expected to absorb the overflow of homeless armpit washing ladies.
00:40:00Oh, God.
00:40:01Peter, is there something you want to tell me?
00:40:04Uh, yeah.
00:40:05Every light in the house is on.
00:40:06Did you destroy the library?
00:40:08Did I destroy the library?
00:40:10Ha!
00:40:11No, Lois, that was television.
00:40:12In light of events at the library, we now go live to a press conference at the mayor's residence.
00:40:17Good evening, Quahog.
00:40:18I'm here tonight with the deputy mayor.
00:40:21Hi, everybody.
00:40:21Shut up.
00:40:24Anyway, these types of immature drunken hijinks are destroying our town.
00:40:29And if we can't trust a 42-year-old man to drink responsibly, then I have no choice but to take action.
00:40:37So as mayor of Quahog, I hereby raise the town's legal drinking age to 50.
00:40:42What?
00:40:43I can't drink anymore?
00:40:44What am I going to do?
00:40:45What do people do who don't drink?
00:40:47I don't know.
00:40:48Knit?
00:40:49Knit?
00:40:49Knit?
00:40:50Are you kidding me?
00:40:51Maybe.
00:40:52Um, okay, so it turns out I am, like, crazy good at knitting.
00:41:02Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
00:41:04It's day three of Quahog's new ban on alcohol for anybody under 50.
00:41:08And if there's one thing the new drinking age law has done, it's let us know that women tell terrible stories.
00:41:14Good to see your eyes open, Tom.
00:41:16For more on this story, we now go to Tricia Takenawa.
00:41:18Tricia?
00:41:18Joyce, I'm standing here on the streets of Quahog, where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law.
00:41:26I was going to bone my girlfriend, but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved, there was no way.
00:41:34Well, I think we just have to trust our elected officials, and Goldman's pharmacy is fully stocked on cough syrup, which goes great with ginger ale.
00:41:43Well, I do miss drinking, but I have used the time to reconnect with my children, and I'm actually thinking about resuming my actuarial practice.
00:41:50Oh my God, he's just been drunk this whole time?
00:41:53This new law sucks. I gotta say, it was kind of uncool of Mayor West to call it Peter's law.
00:41:58No kidding. Now I know how Megan from Megan's law felt.
00:42:02I don't think you know how she felt.
00:42:04I don't know why I didn't think of this before, guys. We'll just go into the brewery after hours and take some beer.
00:42:13Hey, buddy. It's okay. I work here.
00:42:15Aren't you the guy who cried in that meeting?
00:42:18Oh, yeah. You know, I just remembered there's no beer here. Let's just go.
00:42:22Peter, why'd you want me to get us into this prison?
00:42:27Because, Joe, everyone knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet. We are gonna get so wasted.
00:42:34Oh, look, right here. This one's full of Chardonnay.
00:42:37Peter, I don't think that's...
00:42:39But it was...
00:42:39I mean, can you imagine if you make a million bucks, you'll be happier than a guy on his wedding day?
00:42:44Thanks, everyone. Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, friends. Goodbye, free time. Farewell, sex. So long, golf on TV.
00:42:52I'll miss you, privacy. Goodbye, being honest about how many beers I've had. Nice knowing you, my own choices. See you later, money!
00:43:04Thanks for the ride, Brian.
00:43:06Yeah, and thanks for the lecture on what real music is, Mr. Griffin.
00:43:12Jeez, how many Snickers could they eat in a five-minute car ride?
00:43:16Ah, crap. Somebody left their gym bag.
00:43:18God, it would have been real easy to bring a gun in here.
00:43:23Where the hell'd they go?
00:43:29Whoops.
00:43:29Holy crap, that was Patty.
00:43:44She's got a smoking-hot body.
00:43:47This is a bigger surprise than when I found out Joe was a clown.
00:43:52I think that belongs to me.
00:43:54I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
00:43:58Okay.
00:43:59You won't tell anyone, will you?
00:44:01No.
00:44:02You can tell people.
00:44:09Hey, so how was the spa?
00:44:10Oh, it was fine.
00:44:12Now, I don't know why they made us face each other during the mother-daughter bikini wax.
00:44:16Did you two have a nice afternoon?
00:44:18Sure did.
00:44:18I made a million dollars.
00:44:20What?
00:44:21How?
00:44:21Carter sent a hundred thousand dollars to a Nigerian prince who's gonna give him a million.
00:44:26Oh, Peter, don't tell me you two fell for that scam.
00:44:29What?
00:44:29What are you talking about?
00:44:30It's the oldest email scam out there.
00:44:33The assets are frozen, you cover legal fees, blah, blah, blah.
00:44:37Oh, my God.
00:44:38He did say blah, blah, blah.
00:44:39You're never getting that money back.
00:44:41What?
00:44:42So that money's just been Josh Hartnetted?
00:44:44What's that?
00:44:44Gone.
00:44:45Disappeared.
00:44:45Never to be heard from again.
00:44:47Isn't he in that Showtime thing with the blood and the hats?
00:44:50Look, the point is, I was swindled.
00:44:52I guess so.
00:44:53Well, come on, Mom.
00:44:54The man was very specific that we need to go put lotion on each other.
00:44:59Jeez, I'm really sorry, Carter.
00:45:01But at least you have your health.
00:45:04Oh.
00:45:05You know, this is your fault.
00:45:07You're the one who said I should do it.
00:45:08Mm-hmm.
00:45:09There's that judginess Babs is always calling me and talking about.
00:45:12Look, nobody steals from Carter Pewterschmidt.
00:45:14I am going to Africa and get my money back.
00:45:17And you're coming with me.
00:45:18Africa?
00:45:19We're going to Africa?
00:45:20I wonder if it will change us.
00:45:22But of course, it did change us.
00:45:25I've been working here for 50 years pretending I'm a woman.
00:45:28Do you ever regret not having children, Mother Bernadette?
00:45:31Oh, I've had many children.
00:45:33We now return to Kevin James Got Too Fat to Be in Movies.
00:45:51Kevin James, why'd you have to come back to television?
00:45:54I ate Adam Sandler.
00:45:56Yo-hoo!
00:45:57I'm in here with the pizza.
00:46:02Okay, time to go to Africa and get my money back.
00:46:05Are you ready?
00:46:05I was born three months early.
00:46:08Peter, who's that at the door?
00:46:09Oh, just so you know, I didn't tell Lois where we're going and I couldn't be touched until I was two.
00:46:13Daddy, what are you doing here?
00:46:15Oh, hey, Lois.
00:46:16Carter and I are going away for the next week or so.
00:46:18You are?
00:46:19Where?
00:46:20Oh, uh, we're, uh, I mean, um, Pinterest.
00:46:25Wow, sounds great.
00:46:26Have fun.
00:46:27This is getting easier.
00:46:28Now I just say daytime mom words.
00:46:31Okay, so see you soon and Chablis, The View.
00:46:34Oh, you too, sweetheart.
00:46:35Bye.
00:46:39I gotta tell you something.
00:46:42I kissed Bonnie last night.
00:46:45What?
00:46:45I know, I know.
00:46:46It was a huge mistake.
00:46:47So let's just do two or three high fives and then forget it ever happened.
00:46:50Brian, if Joe finds out, he'll kill you.
00:46:52Yeah, no kidding.
00:46:53That's why you can't tell anybody.
00:46:54Promise me.
00:46:55Don't worry, don't worry.
00:46:56I'm great at keeping secrets.
00:46:57Well, except for that one time you discovered my hidden shame.
00:47:00Peter?
00:47:04Brian, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
00:47:07I'm one of these guys now.
00:47:09I'm sorry, Brian.
00:47:11I'm sorry.
00:47:16Mrs. Porkhurst, I'm Meg, your new student volunteer.
00:47:20Oh, you must be my new student volunteer.
00:47:24Yeah, I just said that.
00:47:26What's your name, dear?
00:47:28It's Meg.
00:47:29Can I get a new person?
00:47:31Nonsense.
00:47:31Come in.
00:47:32And between you and me, I hate my new student volunteer.
00:47:36That ugly little Meg.
00:47:38She says she's a girl, but she certainly has a boy's body odor.
00:47:42Oh, come on in.
00:47:52Peter, Joe and Bonnie are here for game night.
00:47:55Game night?
00:47:56Yeah, I figured it was the least we could do since you pulled up a beheading video on your phone at their party and showed it to everyone.
00:48:02It was really more about how loud my phone can get.
00:48:04Peter, we're doing this.
00:48:05All right, but the operation game is out of battery, so I'll have to make the noise.
00:48:10You hear that?
00:48:11That's the sound of bad surgery.
00:48:16All right, I'm awesome at charades.
00:48:18Guys are going first.
00:48:19Okay, go.
00:48:21Uh, about a boy.
00:48:22Four weddings and a funeral.
00:48:24Uh, nine months.
00:48:26Notting Hill.
00:48:27Yes, it was Notting Hill.
00:48:28I'm going to go get more wine.
00:48:30Oh, hey.
00:48:34Uh, hi, Brian.
00:48:35Um, listen, about the other night.
00:48:38You haven't told anyone, have you?
00:48:39No, no, of course not.
00:48:41I was going to ask if you had.
00:48:43Hey, Brian, can you bring me up a snack?
00:48:45I'm supposed to be in bed.
00:48:46Look, the other night was great, but it was a mistake.
00:48:50You're right.
00:48:51Oh, man, what?
00:48:53Yeah, I mean, there's definitely some kind of connection between us, but...
00:48:57I felt it, too, but maybe in another life, huh?
00:49:02Yeah, I guess you're right.
00:49:03This could never work.
00:49:04Like porn movies before sound.
00:49:08Ugh.
00:49:09Ugh.
00:49:10Ugh.
00:49:11Ugh.
00:49:13Ooh.
00:49:15Oh, there you are.
00:49:16Come on, Bonnie, it's Joe's turn.
00:49:18Okay, here we go.
00:49:18Uh, uh, crippled guy.
00:49:21Uh, cheating wife.
00:49:22Uh, uh, cheating wife of a crippled guy.
00:49:25A dog.
00:49:26Something with a dog.
00:49:27Uh, dog kiss.
00:49:28I, I, uh, I think that's, uh, time.
00:49:30Your, your turn is over.
00:49:31Oh, sounds like, uh, sounds like dog kisses crippled guy's wife at your party.
00:49:36Wait, wait, I know it.
00:49:37The other night at your party, Brian kissed Bonnie.
00:49:39What?
00:49:40Bonnie, is this true?
00:49:42Oh, my God.
00:49:44I know, making out with a dog?
00:49:45Can you even imagine a woman who possibly does that for real?
00:49:57Uh, hi, Joe.
00:50:02Hi, Brian.
00:50:03Look, I want to apologize for what happened.
00:50:05I, I, I didn't mean to kiss Bonnie.
00:50:08Everybody had a little too much to drink.
00:50:10It, it just happened.
00:50:11I, I hope we're still cool.
00:50:13Hey, don't worry about it.
00:50:15It was a crazy party.
00:50:16We ran out of salsa.
00:50:18How do you run out of salsa?
00:50:21Anyway, we're good.
00:50:22Oh, really?
00:50:24Oh, thank God.
00:50:25I, I, I was worried you'd be mad.
00:50:27Mad at my buddy, Brian.
00:50:30Not a chance.
00:50:31Hey, is that your car?
00:50:35What?
00:50:35No!
00:50:36What's he doing?
00:50:37My car was parked legally.
00:50:38Hmm.
00:50:39I'm going to show you why you should never mail cash.
00:50:46Another good postal tip is if you wait to deliver your mail at night,
00:50:50you can smell a lot of really nice dinners.
00:50:52Oh, no, it's that Amazon drone.
00:50:55Try to ignore it.
00:50:57Hey, Cleveland, what are you doing?
00:50:58Taking a walk?
00:50:59No, I'm delivering mail.
00:51:01By foot?
00:51:02Yeah, that won't take too long.
00:51:04Well, gotta go.
00:51:05Gotta deliver these fat pants to your fat son.
00:51:09He was harsh, but not untruthful.
00:51:11We got a special order Cleveland Jr.'s pants from a company that manufactures grill covers.
00:51:16Thanks for coming over, Stewie.
00:51:23Oh, thanks for having me.
00:51:24Quite a place you've got here.
00:51:25Your mother seemed nice.
00:51:26Yeah, I've only met her a couple of times, but, yeah.
00:51:29This is my bedroom.
00:51:30Is that car bed a Bentley?
00:51:38And is that guy the driver?
00:51:39Ready for this evening's trip to Snooze Town, sir?
00:51:42Not yet.
00:51:43Sad story.
00:51:44He used to drive the bed for Michael Jackson's monkey.
00:51:47I've seen some terrible things.
00:51:49This is extraordinary.
00:51:50Oh, it's fine, I suppose.
00:51:52But you probably have even nicer things at your mansion.
00:51:55I'd love to come see it sometime.
00:51:56Oh, um, yes, yes, my mansion.
00:51:59Yes, you should come see my mansion, by all means.
00:52:02I mean, not right this minute.
00:52:03I have the U.S. men's wrestling team there.
00:52:06I'm gonna kill a wrestler, but then after that you should.
00:52:08I can't wait.
00:52:09Come on, let's go see if the maid brought her son so we can push him and he can't do anything.
00:52:14God, I like it here.
00:52:15But what am I doing?
00:52:16I don't have a fancy house.
00:52:18I'm living a lie, like FDR.
00:52:21And so I say to you, America, we are going to win this war.
00:52:25We are going to end this depression.
00:52:28And there's no reason to suspect that I cannot walk.
00:52:31God bless America.
00:52:37And cut.
00:52:38The newsreel's over.
00:52:39Thank you, Mr. President.
00:52:41You're welcome, gentlemen.
00:52:42Now, if you'd kindly kick me into the closet with the mops.
00:52:49Ah, must be a yell man.
00:52:52Shut up.
00:52:55Hello, loyal mailwoman.
00:52:59This is a letter to Hollywood saying keep it up.
00:53:02Movies are great.
00:53:05Cleveland, what should I do with this?
00:53:06It just says Hollywood USA.
00:53:09And this isn't a stamp.
00:53:10It's the little sticker from an apple.
00:53:11Oh, I can't never get those off.
00:53:13I just eat them.
00:53:14Anyway, just put it in here.
00:53:16What's that?
00:53:17It's the dead letter bin.
00:53:18It's all the stale mail what never got delivered for one reason or the other.
00:53:23Incomplete addresses.
00:53:24House at the top of a hill.
00:53:26Anyone who uses one of those French sevens with a slash in it.
00:53:30Well, this is horrible.
00:53:31I'm going to organize these.
00:53:32There might be some we could rescind.
00:53:34That's above and beyond, Lois.
00:53:35You know, you do the uniform proud like I like to think I'd...
00:53:39Oh, chili dog got me.
00:53:41Look at all these.
00:53:42This is a mess.
00:53:43Here's two that are stuck together.
00:53:46What the hell?
00:53:47This is from Peter.
00:53:52Who the hell is Gretchen Mercer?
00:53:54And this is postmarked a week before our wedding.
00:54:03Oh, there was a time when the president of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas fan club got a lot of mail.
00:54:16I don't know what to do, Bonnie.
00:54:18Why would Peter write a letter to another woman just before our wedding?
00:54:22Why don't you just open it and read it?
00:54:25What?
00:54:25That's a federal offense.
00:54:27I can't do that.
00:54:28Don't you realize as a postal employee, I'm 6,000 and fourth in line for the presidency?
00:54:33Well, then why don't you just deliver the letter and see for yourself who this Gretchen Mercer is?
00:54:37Bonnie, that's a great idea.
00:54:42Oh, I see you came with the big cheese.
00:54:45What?
00:54:46You?
00:54:47You're a big cheese?
00:54:48I usually bring a variety wheel of laughing cow cheese.
00:54:52Laughing cow.
00:54:53That's got to be a happy farm, right?
00:54:56Oh.
00:54:57Well, you just must be cracking up all the time hanging out with this one.
00:55:01Look, ma'am, I don't know what signals Joe is sending out, but I'm married.
00:55:06G49.
00:55:07Hey, and you're already on the board.
00:55:10You're a natural at this.
00:55:11Oh, and fair warning.
00:55:13When they call 069, I say, oh, my.
00:55:17Ooh, la, la.
00:55:19Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:55:20Yeah, really funny, Joe.
00:55:21Or how about this one?
00:55:23Oh, my God.
00:55:24I want to kill myself right now.
00:55:26All right, I got to get through this.
00:55:27I'm just going to go to my happy place.
00:55:29Go to your happy place, Peter.
00:55:33Oh, and you're wearing the necklace I gave you.
00:55:36Well, if I were you, I'd sure be excited.
00:55:39You're only one number away from having a bingo.
00:55:42I am?
00:55:43Wait, you mean if they call...
00:55:44074.
00:55:47Bingo!
00:55:51You were right, Joe.
00:55:52This is awesome.
00:55:53I've never won anything.
00:55:54Well, except for when I won that Tory spelling bee.
00:55:57Peter, your word is equine.
00:56:00Peter reached this round by accurately spelling collagen, repulsive, and botched.
00:56:10I can't believe you're still at work, Padma.
00:56:12It's like 2 in the morning.
00:56:13No, it is noon here.
00:56:14Do you not know about time zones?
00:56:16Oh, yeah, oh, that's right.
00:56:17You guys are on metric.
00:56:20Oh, you're in here?
00:56:21Yeah, I'm on the phone.
00:56:22Is, uh, is Chris down in the laundry room?
00:56:24Yeah, I think so.
00:56:25Okay, looks like this is going to be a stand or upper in the garage.
00:56:29Uh-oh, 6%.
00:56:30Better hustle.
00:56:31It's so nice to talk to you, Brian.
00:56:33You make me feel wonderful.
00:56:34God, if only you weren't so far away.
00:56:36I wish I could just somehow magically appear there and meet you in person.
00:56:40Oh, Brian, that would be like a dream.
00:56:42Okay, I should go.
00:56:43I have 11,000 people on hold.
00:56:45Goodbye, Padma.
00:56:47What the hell's going on?
00:56:48Somebody's screaming in the garage.
00:56:50Why are you still up?
00:56:51Because I'm in love.
00:56:52Oh, with that Indian chick?
00:56:54What was her name?
00:56:55Dot?
00:56:55No, it's not Dot.
00:56:56It's Padma.
00:56:57And I have to be with her.
00:56:59Stewie?
00:57:00I'm going to India.
00:57:01Oh my God, I'm going with you.
00:57:03My yoga class will be so jealous.
00:57:06Hey, everyone.
00:57:06The guy I told you about, Brian, is taking me to India.
00:57:10Oh my God!
00:57:11We finally made it, Brian.
00:57:34We're in India.
00:57:36Excuse me, man with no pupil?
00:57:37Where can we get a taxi cab around here?
00:57:40All right, let's do it, Stewie.
00:57:41Let's go find Padma.
00:57:43Shouldn't be hard in this dreamy land of wonder.
00:57:45I can already smell the enlightenment and tranquility.
00:57:48This is wonderful, isn't it, Brian?
00:57:57It's so tranquil, I'm tearing up.
00:57:59Come on, I think I see a cab with less than nine people in it.
00:58:08All right, it's winning time.
00:58:10Let's get this show on the road.
00:58:11After all, it's not called Bing Stop.
00:58:13It's called Bing Go.
00:58:16That's very clever.
00:58:17Yeah, and maybe if I win, I'll yell Bing Joe.
00:58:21Don't force it, Joe.
00:58:23Yeah, be quiet, Joe.
00:58:23Me and the gang are trying to hear our numbers.
00:58:25You and the gang?
00:58:26I'm the one who brought you here.
00:58:28Yeah, well, you know something?
00:58:29The Mayflower also brought fungus, which then became the potato famine.
00:58:32What the hell are you talking about?
00:58:34I don't know.
00:58:34I've had like four insures.
00:58:35I'm out of my mind.
00:58:36Peter, I brought you here to have fun, not take over.
00:58:39Look, Joe.
00:58:40Say something.
00:58:47And I turn around, and I don't know what happened to my wife.
00:58:50And now I'm all alone, and I'm just so scared.
00:58:52Okay.
00:58:53Do you want to go look for your wife, or you want me to finish the makeover?
00:58:57I guess we might as well finish up here.
00:58:59When I find her, I want her to go, wow.
00:59:05Lois?
00:59:07Lois!
00:59:08Lois!
00:59:08Is your wife named Lois, too?
00:59:12No, but I figured if she's banging a guy like you, I got a shot.
00:59:17Lois!
00:59:17Hey, what are you...
00:59:18Lois!
00:59:19Lois!
00:59:20Lois!
00:59:24Wait, wait, hang on a second, Shelby.
00:59:26I can't hear you over my brokers.
00:59:27Buy!
00:59:28Sell!
00:59:29Buy!
00:59:29Buy!
00:59:30Wow.
00:59:31Buying and selling?
00:59:32Yeah, yeah.
00:59:33Well, I'll see you Saturday.
00:59:34I better go.
00:59:35My helicopter's here.
00:59:36Fadoo, fadoo, fadoo, fadoo, fadoo.
00:59:38Are you still...
00:59:39By the way, you have no idea what a helicopter sounds like.
00:59:41Are you still keeping up this charade?
00:59:43Yeah, but it's perfect.
00:59:44Shelby's already off work, so I'll just grab the ring, and we can bring it back before they close.
00:59:51Huh.
00:59:51I know I left the ring right here.
00:59:53If you're referring to the ring that I thought was a lug nut, I ate it.
00:59:57What?
00:59:57Why would you eat a lug nut?
00:59:59I was dared.
01:00:00By who?
01:00:00By myself.
01:00:02I have low self-esteem.
01:00:03We should check in on this guy more.
01:00:05Oh my god, this can't be happening.
01:00:06Chris, that was a diamond ring.
01:00:08Do you know how expensive that was?
01:00:10I'm sorry, Brian.
01:00:11But don't worry.
01:00:12It'll come out of my body sooner or later.
01:00:14He's right.
01:00:14I ate a dime once.
01:00:16It became a manhole cover for like three days, but then pow!
01:00:19Okay, yeah, yeah.
01:00:20We just gotta force Chris to poop, that's all.
01:00:22Yay, I got a sleepover!
01:00:25I love you.
01:00:27You're loved.
01:00:32Attention, the Quahog Mall will be closing in five minutes.
01:00:36Well, I've looked everywhere.
01:00:38Maybe she left?
01:00:39Paul Blatt, if you're out there, I could sure use a miracle.
01:00:52Choo-choo!
01:00:54All aboard the Ladybug Express!
01:00:56But be careful, Peter.
01:00:57If this train slows to less than 50 miles an hour,
01:01:00then Sandra Bullock has to marry a neo-Nazi
01:01:03and act like she didn't know about it
01:01:04and then overcompensate by adopting a black kid.
01:01:08Ah!
01:01:09Help!
01:01:10Ah!
01:01:10Ah!
01:01:11Holy crap!
01:01:12Ah!
01:01:13Ah!
01:01:14Ah!
01:01:14Ah!
01:01:15Ah!
01:01:16Wait!
01:01:17Don't close the wall!
01:01:18Like an actual Amtrak train,
01:01:20this is dangerously out of control!
01:01:22That's legally defensible, by the way.
01:01:24On your screen is a list of actual rail diseases.
01:01:27Iligtas si Karen.
01:01:29Ako si Jomar.
01:01:31Wala akong ibang intensyon kundi puntahan ang girlfriend ko.
01:01:35Pero ngayong gabi, sa kapis,
01:01:38parang empyerno ang napuntahan ko.
01:01:41Gabi na nang makatanggap ako ng text mula kay Karen.
01:01:45Love, pumunta ka dito.
01:01:48Sa kapis.
01:01:49Please,
01:01:49wag ka na magtanong.
01:01:52Basta dumating ka.
01:01:54Nag-reply ako.
01:01:55Tumawag.
01:01:56Walang sagot.
01:01:58Hindi ko alam kung away ba ito.
01:02:00Emergency.
01:02:01O prank lang.
01:02:03Pero kilala ko si Karen.
01:02:05Hindi siya nagpaparamdam ng ganitong tono.
01:02:08Nag-desisyon ako.
01:02:10Nagbihis ako.
01:02:11Nilagay ko yung power bank sa bag,
01:02:13tsaka tubig,
01:02:14at konting cash.
01:02:15Ang ulan-ulan pa nga nung nagmotor ako palabas ng siyudad.
01:02:20Kapis.
01:02:21Naririnig ko lang yan sa mga kwento.
01:02:24Puro kababalaghan.
01:02:25Puro aswang.
01:02:27Puro kulto.
01:02:28Hindi ako naniniwala.
01:02:30Noon.
01:02:32Mga tatlong oras ang biyahe.
01:02:34Paglampas ko ng Roxas,
01:02:36papuntang barangay Dulawan.
01:02:38Nagsimulang magbago ang hangin.
01:02:40Tahimik.
01:02:42Parang wala ng ibang tao.
01:02:44Kahit jeep,
01:02:44trike,
01:02:45o motor.
01:02:46Wala.
01:02:47Mga bahay.
01:02:48Puro luma.
01:02:50Yung iba parang iniwan na.
01:02:52May simbolo sa mga pader na hindi ko maintindihan.
01:02:56Nag-stop ako sa tapat ng maliit na tindahan.
01:02:59Sarado na.
01:03:01Alas onse'y medya ng gabi.
01:03:03May lumapit na lalaki.
01:03:05Tingin ko nasa apat na pusya.
01:03:08Tahimik lang.
01:03:09Kuya,
01:03:10parangay Dulawan Bato.
01:03:12Tumangu siya.
01:03:14Kung wala kang sadya,
01:03:16huwag ka nang magtagal dito.
01:03:18May pupuntahan lang ako.
01:03:20Yung girlfriend ko.
01:03:22Tagarito raw dati.
01:03:24Wala na siyang sinabi.
01:03:26Umalis siya.
01:03:28Sinundan ko ang map na pinadala ni Karen.
01:03:31Bahay na may dilaw na gate.
01:03:33Malapit sa kapilya.
01:03:35Pagdating ko,
01:03:35may ilaw sa loob,
01:03:37pero walang tao sa labas.
01:03:39Karen,
01:03:41tawag ko mula sa labas.
01:03:43Tahimik.
01:03:44Pinuksan ko ang gate.
01:03:46Pumasok ako sa bakuran.
01:03:48May mga tuyong dahon sa lupa.
01:03:51Nilapitan ko ang pinto.
01:03:52Kumatok.
01:03:54Karen,
01:03:54nandito ako.
01:03:55May narinig akong yabag sa loob.
01:03:58Mabilis.
01:03:59Paakyat ng hagdan.
01:04:01Karen?
01:04:02Wala pa rin sagot.
01:04:04Pinuksan ko ang pinto.
01:04:06Hindi nakalak.
01:04:07Sa loob,
01:04:09amoy lumang kahoy.
01:04:10Tahimik.
01:04:11Ang tanging tunog lang ay
01:04:13yung pagtulong tubig mula sa sirang gripo.
01:04:17Pumasok ako.
01:04:19May mga lumang litrato sa dingding.
01:04:21Black and white.
01:04:23May isang frame na nasa baba.
01:04:25Pinulot ko.
01:04:26Si Karen,
01:04:28bata pa.
01:04:29Mga anim na taong gulang.
01:04:31Kasama niya ang matandang babaeng.
01:04:33Parang nakita ko na.
01:04:35Huwag mang hawakan yan.
01:04:38Lumingon ako.
01:04:39Isang matandang babae.
01:04:41Naka-duster maputla.
01:04:43Mahaba ang buhok.
01:04:45Pasensya na po.
01:04:46Nandito po ba si Karen?
01:04:48Anong pakay mo sa apo ko?
01:04:50Sabi ng matanda.
01:04:52Apo.
01:04:53Sagot ko.
01:04:55May message po siya sa akin.
01:04:57Pumunta raw ako dito.
01:04:59Andyan siya.
01:05:00Pero nagpapahinga.
01:05:03Bakit hindi po siya nagre-reply?
01:05:05Gusto ko lang po siyang makita.
01:05:08Gabi na.
01:05:09Hindi maganda sa bisita ang lumibot paghating gabi.
01:05:13Biglang narinig ko ang boses mula sa itaas.
01:05:16Mahina.
01:05:18Joe.
01:05:19Jomar.
01:05:20Tinignan ko ang matanda.
01:05:23Si Karen yun.
01:05:24Aakyat ako.
01:05:26Hinakbang ko ang hagdan.
01:05:28Hinarangan niya ako ng braso niya.
01:05:31Mainit ang balat niya.
01:05:32Pero basa.
01:05:34Amoy niya.
01:05:35Parang nabubulok.
01:05:37Karen.
01:05:38Sigaw ko.
01:05:38Umakyat ako.
01:05:41Naririnig ko ang ungol niya.
01:05:44Pagsilip ko sa kwarto.
01:05:46Nakatali siya sa poste ng kama.
01:05:48May sugat sa braso.
01:05:50Umiiyak.
01:05:51Jomar.
01:05:52Tulungan mo ko.
01:05:54May yabag mula sa ibaba.
01:05:57Hindi lang isa.
01:05:58Galing sa baba.
01:06:00Lumapit ako.
01:06:01Sinubukan ko siyang kalagan.
01:06:03Ang tali.
01:06:04Parang ginamitan ng trapo at kawayan.
01:06:08Bakit ka nandito?
01:06:09Tanong ko habang kinakalagan siya.
01:06:12Hindi siya sumasagot.
01:06:14Umiiyak lang.
01:06:15Biglang may kalabog sa bubong.
01:06:18Tapos may kumamot sa dingding.
01:06:19Ma'amino sa bintana.

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